How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Son, when you're young
and dating in New York,
friend groups can become
pretty incestuous.
Now, this is kind of a spoiler,
but by the time I turned 40,
I had kissed literally
all of my friends.
Oh, Mom.
Please. Your theater camp pals
were just as horny
and way less hot.
And when things get
weird enough, sometimes,
you have to hit the reset button.
Wait. You even kissed Aunt Ellen?
Did I stutter?
I still can't believe
someone bought my photo.
Pinch me, Naomi!
No.
The couple that bought it wants
to have you over
to their penthouse for dinner tonight
to hear about the piece.
Oh, my God. Do I just, like, sell art
and go to penthouses
now? What is my life?
This is how careers start, Sophie.
The buyers brag to their rich friends
about meeting you.
Those rich friends want to
buy your work, and boom.
You're at the Met Gala
wearing a bird's nest as a hat.
Okay, are there actual birds in the hat?
Of course.
They'll parody it on SNL.
That's gonna be so embarrassing.
Oh, and they want you
to bring your model to dinner.
Cool. We're in.
I'm out!
Rich strangers summoning two
unsuspecting fools to their towers?
The start of no less than,
like, five horror movies.
Please. Th-they just wanna
ask us some questions.
Oh, you mean exactly like
the plot of The Questioning?
It's gonna be super fun.
They have a really nice penthouse
Hm, like Vera Farmiga and
Pablo Schreiber in The Penthouse.
You ever heard of a book, bro?
Oh, yeah! Like you've read a book.
Oh, I own several.
Uh-huh.
- The point is
- Mm-hmm?
This could be big for my career.
And friends help each other out.
And that's what we are.
Friends. We're totally friends.
The fact you keep
repeating we're friends
makes me think
we're actually mortal enemies.
I know that things are weird
between us right now,
but if I have any points left with you,
I'd like to cash them in.
Fine. Fine. I'll go.
- For safety.
- You're not bringing that.
You're right. It would totally
just get used against me.
And I'm pretty sure that's everything.
I didn't realize I kept
so much stuff here. What's in this?
Uh, your air fryer and the cat toys
that you play with when
you're on shrooms.
Ooh, it's fun when
I'm not on shrooms, too.
Rachel and I have
a reservation for four at Bar Pacifica,
but her friends just bailed
because they got
last-minute tickets to
Flubber: The Musical.
Just when things couldn't be bleaker ♪
I made my best friend in a beaker ♪
Flubber, I love ♪
Lin-Manuel Miranda
really needs to learn how to say no.
Wait, you got into Bar Pacifica?
If I find a date, can I come?
Oh. You're ready
to get back out there, are you?
Very cool? Fun.
Do you really think
you can get a date by tonight?
Got one!
Wonderful. You know,
I actually also have that app.
No.
Yeah. As if.
Eh, she'll do.
Sweetie, that's my phone.
Okay. So, in two weeks, you come see me,
which will cost us
- Everything we have to our name.
- Let's just try miles.
We have enough miles for
a subscription to
Delta's in-flight magazine.
Ooh, wait. Is that my boy Josh Groban?
Good for him.
Landing the cover of Sky Magazine. Nice.
I knew we shouldn't have
spent money on that banner.
Hm
Hey, lovebirds!
Good news.
I have found a lovely woman on an app
to go out with tonight.
- Okay!
- Wow!
Care to come with me
and make it a double?
- Oh.
- Thanks, man, but we're, like,
deep in long-distance
relationship logistics.
I'm not just casually asking, am I?
I am begging.
Please. I am hanging on
by an emotional thread right now,
and a one-on-one dinner
with a complete stranger might break me.
What if she doesn't
ask me any questions?
What if she asks me too many questions?
What if her answers to my questions
aren't in the form of a question?
- Okay, fine. We'll come.
- Brilliant! Thank you so much.
Oh, my God. Is that Josh Groban?
He looks fantastic.
Hello!
You must be Sophie, the artiste.
- Hm.
- That is me, isn't it?
That would make you Jesse, the model.
And that would make you
Warren, the rich guy.
I am so rich.
Please, come in.
And this lovely woman
carrying the tray of bison carpaccio
- is my wife, Megan.
- Welcome.
Let me know
if you need a bib for the blood.
I'm sorry,
is-is that a-a platter of raw meat?
Yes. The mouth-feel is so
Mm. Wet and sensual.
- Yeah, um, th-that's, uh
- So interesting!
- We'd love to try some.
- I'm good.
Yeah, at trying new things.
Eat the bison, man.
Hm? MEGAN: Hm.
- Oh!
- Wow!
It's just like sushi.
But with more veins.
- Way more veins.
- Mm-hmm.
The chunky bits are actually cartilage.
You know what? Why don't I whip up
you menfolk some Manhattans?
Oh!
I better go supervise,
make sure she doesn't screw anything up.
Women.
Ah! Ah!
Ah! This is so much worse
than The Penthouse.
This is The Penthouse Chapter 2:
The Penthousening.
Is that even a real movie?
Nikki Hilton was in it, so no.
Okay. I know this is a little odd.
Okay? But, w-we have to be nice
to these people, alright?
Because after tonight,
I am gonna be one step closer
to owning a bird hat.
Okay, first of all, there's no way
a hat would stay on a bird.
Secondly, we need
to get out of here, okay?
Because Warren and Megan
are clearly cannibals.
No, they're not.
They're eccentric.
Yeah, that's probably what this guy said
right before we got turned
into an amuse-bouche.
Hi.
Here for a reservation under Charlie.
Hi. I'm Hannah. This is my husband, Sid.
- You must be Alice?
- Yes. Pleasure.
Do you know if they give you
free bread here?
Probably
Famous last words.
Hey, so t-tell us about yourself, Alice.
Like, what do you what do you do?
Oh. Uh, so I run
an airline rewards program.
Hand out miles, change blackout dates.
I'm basically Wizard of Oz of the sky.
Who's behind the curtain? Me.
I'm sorry. I can't stop thinking
about this bread thing.
Oh, my God.
She's the answer to all our problems.
She and Charlie start dating.
She becomes part of the crew.
She gives us all those
sweet, sweet miles.
Mm. Bam. Love that.
- One problem.
- Hm?
She is really weird.
No, she isn't. She's amazing.
You hear me? She's amazing.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
What?
Oh, is this too much?
Oh, what am I talking about?
Of course, it's too much.
No one in this godforsaken country
wears suits.
Look, I think tonight was a mistake.
I'm not ready, so if you can
just tell her that I'm sorry
I am not telling her sorry.
I am telling you
congratulations, Charlie.
'Cause we just met Alice,
and she is wow.
- Really?
- Wow!
Yeah. She is a triumph of a woman.
Ooh!
Oh.
I'm not sharing. Finders keepers.
Your photograph spoke to us
on a very deep level.
Oh!
What can I say? That's what I do.
Because it featured Jesse.
- What?
- Rolling up your sleeves,
fixing that car.
The way the light
hit your forearms, it was just so
Hi! Hi.
We just had to see you in person,
and you do not disappoint.
You are the perfect example
of the American male.
- To Jesse.
- To Jesse.
And Sophie!
Yay!
Sure. Congratulations on capturing
what it means to be
a real man.
Hm Hm Hm
So I don't think they want to eat us.
They wanna bang us.
Us?
You.
Table for Ellen.
Jinx.
Jinx again.
Triple jinx!
This is going better
than I could have ever imagined!
Look at us! Three gals, out on the town.
Just jinxing like no one's watching.
Oh look! There's my date!
Val's date that night
was completely forgettable.
I don't remember what he looked like
or what his name was.
So, we'll just call him Rando.
Everyone, this is Rando.
How long have you guys been together?
Ten seconds. I just got
out of a serious relationship,
but I move on fast 'cause I'm an Aries.
Yeah, right.
W-what's funny about that?
Oh. I-I thought you were kidding.
You don't really believe
in that nonsense, right?
If by "that nonsense,"
you mean my birth chart,
beautifully drawn
by my psychic Madame Deborah?
Yeah, I do.
Uh,
I guess because I'm studying
to be a psychologist,
I just believe in real science.
New topic!
Let's all say our favorite
Arnold Schwarzenegger films.
I'll start.
I haven't seen any. Val?
A psychologist, huh?
So, you're what Madame Deborah
would call "a head-shrinking wackjob."
Hey Remember
when you guys triple-jinxed?
That was such a great memory. Huh?
Back at the host stand?
Okay, so I'm gonna sprint home.
No, no, no! You can't leave now.
They're just putting out dinner.
Just give me one more hour.
Thirty minutes. And afterwards,
you're buying me a slice of pizza.
- Fine.
- And a small Coke?
- Sure.
- Still got it.
- Jesse!
- Uh-huh?
Before we eat,
Megan and I would love to give you
a tour of the house.
Great. I'd love to see
where you hung my photo,
and maybe point out some spots
where others could go.
Oh, no talking on this tour.
Except for you, Jesse.
You can speak.
You can say anything. Anything.
Short Line, Chance, Park Place,
Luxury Tax, Boardwalk,
and that brings us back to Go.
Wow.
You really memorized
the entire Monopoly board!
Isn't that cool, Charlie?
Yeah, I suppose so.
You're like a genius.
Do you have a photographic memory?
Oh, no.
I just, uh, really made it a priority.
Uh-oh. Anybody see
where the ladies' room is?
These banana daiquiris
are going straight through me.
You and me both, girlfriend.
I'll go with you.
Boys, order us two more 'nana daqs.
I hope we get stalls
right next to each other.
I have to be honest,
I'm not quite seeing what you
and Hannah is seeing in Alice.
Yeah, well, that's just ridiculous
because you guys got so much in common.
You're both
right-handed.
Actually, I'm left-handed.
Mother forced me to be right-handed
because she said the devil was in me.
Still counts. Garçon!
Four banana daiquiris.
And here it is, Jesse. Your photo.
I record all of my content in here,
and it makes the perfect backdrop.
Ooh. What's your content about?
If I had to boil it down,
I'd say it's about
how men in this
country are under attack.
A-a-and by under attack, you mean
There's a war against men.
A men-ocide, if you will.
I subscribe.
I-I mean, I would subscribe if
I was allowed to have a phone.
Have you ever considered
that maybe you hate therapy
because you're scared
what you'd learn about yourself?
Have you ever considered
that you're becoming a therapist
because you wanna get paid
for lying on a couch?
The patients lie on the couch.
Oh, like you're never gonna
lie on the couch.
Ellen!
Jinx?
Whose team are you on?
Are you Team Science
with your girlfriend,
or are you Team Star
Magic with Valentina
and her street psychic Deborah?
It's Madame Deborah, and she has a tent!
Whose side are you on?
Um Side
Who are we kidding?
She's never gonna be able to decide.
Look at this table!
She ordered one of everything.
Oh, I know.
I made her choose a movie last night,
and we ended up watching a YouTube video
on how to decide what to watch.
Classic Ellen.
Yeah! I did do that!
I can't pick for shit!
Quick! What else don't we like about me?
Alright. Who's hungry?
Uh, we will be right in.
I'm just gonna take
a quick photo of Jesse
with his picture to
celebrate his manhood.
Right. If she can figure out
how to use the flash,
this woman.
That's a good one
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Google him, google him, google him.
Ow! Outer space is hurting my period!
After the break,
is wiping your butt gay?
- That explains the smell.
- Oh.
We really should have
put this together sooner.
You are the perfect example
of the American male.
Women!
I am a prominent leader
in the Men's Rights movement.
Really?
Okay, the last one was on me.
All I could think about
was how loud my crunching was.
I can't believe that my photo
is the face of the
Men's Rights movement.
Okay, well, my face is the actual face.
So what are we gonna do?
Okay, the way I see it,
we have two options.
- Okay.
- Option one, we start a podcast
combating Warren's disinformation,
while also giving our hot takes
on celebrity hairstyles.
Here are mine. Shawn Mendes, wig.
Tom Holland, wig.
Jason Statham. Bald cap!
What's option two?
I'm gonna distract them.
You grab my photo.
Okay, I pick that one. Alright?
Do you think I'm wearing a wig?
- I don't know. I've never seen it wet.
- Unbelievable.
She brings her own toilet seat cover.
Yeah. It's reusable.
How cool is that?
So, Alice
What do you like to do for fun?
Uh, well, um
I really like dancing.
Oh!
- Okay!
- Oh yeah! Oh, get it, girl!
No, I cannot do this anymore.
I'm sorry. Alice, I'm not ready
to date anyone right now.
And, to be honest with you,
even if I was
I'm not sure that you
and I are a good fit.
- Charlie
- And I just don't understand
why you want me and Alice
to work so badly.
Oh. Yeah, uh, he's after my miles.
Yeah, I-I could sense it
the second that we met.
Is that true?
Wow.
Pimping me out for miles.
How do you sleep at night?
Yeah. How do you?
Look, it's fine.
It happens to me all the time.
Yeah, anyway, at least tonight
wasn't a total waste.
'Cause I met my new best friend.
Yeah, you did.
Bathroom sisters for life.
- Yeah!
- Alice? Let's roll.
Yeah, we will.
You wanna play Yahtzee at mine?
- Yes!
- Thank God, I hope I get a Yahtzee.
Hey, Warren.
You have inspired me.
I have decided
to set aside my silly career
and focus all of my energy
on finding a husband
who can tell me what to do.
That is the smartest thing
I've ever heard a woman say.
You have got to be
the next guest on my podcast.
Now, of course, all female guests
are required to wear bikinis, but
you're cool with that, right?
Absolutely! I would love
to put on a swimsuit
and tell other women to quit their jobs!
See? You just get it.
And I love that you're
figuring it out this young.
Before I met Warren, I wasted years
as the mayor of Baltimore.
What?
You were mayor?
And now, you just
plate raw meat for this little bitch?
What?
Sorry, Warren, but you're a joke.
I mean, men are up to their
thick, hairy necks in rights,
and Jesse is not
the perfect masculine man.
He can't even figure out how to
get that picture off your wall. Look.
This is so disappointing.
Get that photo out of my house!
I'm trying!
And to think we almost had sex with you.
Both of us?
- No!
- No! Just him!
That's what I thought
Come on. What else do I do that's silly?
Ellen, we've been doing this forever.
- Can we talk about something else?
- No.
This is a thing
that we all enjoy talking about,
and we will do it
until it's time to go home.
Okay, I-I'll do one. Uh
before, when we were fighting,
my heart was beating so fast,
I thought I was gonna pass out.
Ellen, is that really how you felt?
I mean, k-kind of.
It sounds like you have
some really big feelings
around conflict that you need to unpack.
Yeah. Seriously, El.
Have you ever considered talking
to a psycholog
- Ha!
- Okay, fine.
Some people have stuff that
can't be fixed by Madame Deborah.
Thank you.
This is so fun!
Who?
Rachel, Ellen, and Valentina
never hung out as a trio again.
But, on the upside, that night,
Ellen went online
and found herself a therapist.
I'll tell you how I screwed
that up for her another time.
Hey. Uh
Sorry about before.
We acted like selfish jerks.
And to make up for it,
we want you to have this.
It's the perfect first-date outfit
for when you're actually ready
to get back out there.
Mm-hmm.
Dressy shirts show that you care,
a pair of jeans so you don't look
like you're trying too hard,
and a pair of tighty-whities because,
brother, I know you can pull it off.
Well, thank you.
Wait, what happened
after you left with Alice?
I got enough miles
for the next few months.
Don't ask me how.
No, go on. How?
She said don't ask her how!
Did we just eat raw bison
to appease the leader
of the Men's Rights movement?
I'm not ready to talk about the bison.
Hey, to be fair, we don't know
that he's their leader.
You know, there might be
somebody above him, and then
maybe you can
sell your photo to that guy.
Okay.
I'm definitely not getting
a bird hat off of tonight.
No.
But we work well together. As friends.
Yeah, I-I couldn't agree more.
Hey, so if-if I had known,
uh, you were gonna come back that night,
I wouldn't have called Meredith.
The thing is
Jesse, just stop. It's
I get it.
She's the love of your life, and
you've gotta give it a shot.
And that's how we hit the reset button.
Sort of.
Uh, this is Meredith.
You mind if I take this
before we get on the subway?
No problem. Yeah, I'll wait.
No! No! Wait!
But if you lost the
photo, how did it end up back here?
Ah. A story for another time, kid.
But trust me, I will get to it.
- Hey.
- Hey. How was your night?
Eh.
I found out I sold my photo
to a hatemonger,
and then a taxi drove away with it.
So, the usual. How about you?
Same. The usual.
Rando!
Damn!
What is your secret?
How are you able to move on
from Charlie so fast?
I always bounce back quickly with guys.
Charlie isn't just a guy.
You were in love with him.
Okay, fine.
The truth is I realized something.
Charlie and I are gonna end up together.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, sure, we want
different things right now,
but life is long,
and eventually, somehow, it'll work out.
So, you're not worried
about him meeting someone else?
No.
Besides, if I know Charlie,
it's gonna be a long time
before he gets back out there.
But little did Val know,
someone else was hitting
his own reset button.
Hi. I'm Charlie.