How to with John Wilson (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1
♪
John Wilson:
Hey, New York.
NYC has one of the best
public transportation systems
in the whole world,
and you learn something new
every single time you ride.
But when you live in
the city long enough,
you can start to feel trapped
within the MTA's jurisdiction.
Sometimes, you just
wanna go somewhere that
no train has ever
thought to go before.
This is why some people
eventually break down
and buy an automobile.
When you have a car, a whole
world of possibility opens up.
You can finally go
to a water park,
a, a drive-in movie,
or a farm.
Having a car can feel like
you have a cheat code
to the whole city,
and exciting new
areas of the map
are unlocked every single day.
Worker (on PA):
Will you be using
your mobile app today?
Wilson:
What's that?
But, whenever you
finally get home
and try to park in
your neighborhood,
the fun usually comes
to a screeching halt.
♪
You like to start
optimistically,
checking to see if
there are any spots
directly in front
of your apartment.
There usually never is one,
so you drive in tight
circles for a while, uh,
hoping to park within
a block of your front door.
But every time you think
your search is over,
there's always
just a fire hydrant
or a driveway.
Or some other kind
of optical illusion.
And as you continue to lurk,
the more every other car starts
to feel like competition.
And after 90 minutes
of hopeless searching,
you even begin
to envy the dead.
So, when you just
can't take it anymore,
you just leave it
in the parking lot
of a Boston Market, uh,
where it'll probably be fine
until the breakfast
shift begins.
You never thought it
would be this hard,
but maybe you're thinking
about it the wrong way.
♪
When you look for a spot
in an obvious place,
you just end up competing
with everyone else.
But if you're brave enough
to stand out from the crowd
and try something risky,
you might have the confidence
to park in places
you would've never
dreamed of parking before.
So, instead of driving
yourself up the wall,
hit the brakes,
put the top down,
and get ready
to enter a parallel universe
as you figure out if you
have what it really takes
to find that perfect spot.
(beeping, metal crunching)
(engine revving)
Now, before you master
the art of parking,
you're gonna first
need to understand
why it's so hard to begin with.
Back before 1950,
it was actually illegal
to keep your car
on city streets overnight.
And there was a lot more room
for pedestrian activity
in the streets.
But after the city
changed that law,
the curbs quickly filled up
with vehicles from
all over the world.
And they built a massive
network of expressways
to incentivize
automobile travel.
But by the 1960s,
there were so many
cars in New York that
they had to
pass another law
that forced architects
to incorporate garages
into the designs of
all the new buildings,
which even the developers
began to openly resent.
(clears throat)
This was supposed to
make street parking
less competitive.
But, in reality, all it did
was just attract more cars.
Which, inevitably,
spilled out onto the streets.
And as a result,
New York City became
one of the largest outdoor
storage facilities
for automobiles
in the entire world.
Supposedly, 40% of the cars
you see on the street are
actually looking for a spot.
♪
And this is usually because
they're looking for a place
that they don't
have to pay for.
The most coveted spots
are on residential streets
where there aren't any meters
and you can stay as
long as you want.
The great thing about
free parking is that
it doesn't discriminate,
and it's first come,
first serve.
You can park in the same spot
as the President of
the United States,
and the quality of your
experience would be identical.
Hunting for one of these spots
is a game of pure chance,
where it feels like the odds
are always stacked against you.
And even if you're the luckiest
person in the world,
you still might have
a hard time finding one.
I've been struck
by lightning twice.
The first time,
I was declared clinically
dead for 28 minutes,
completely paralyzed
for six days,
partially paralyzed
for seven months.
Two years to learn to
walk and feed myself.
Three years later,
I was struck by lightning again.
I'm sitting on
the edge of my bed,
holding a land-line phone.
The lightning comes
down the phone line.
It hits the phone,
goes in my head,
goes down my spine,
welds the nails
of the heels of
my shoes to the floor,
or I would've exploded,
threw me in the air,
slammed me back down on the bed.
Paralyzed, burning on fire,
and blinded.
Wilson:
Um
Do you ever have a hard time
finding a parking spot?
Yes.
♪
Wilson:
If you are lucky enough
to find one of these spots,
the hardest part is
actually keeping it.
Because New York City is
obsessed with cleanliness,
once or twice a week,
they send professionals
to wipe down the streets
with big, scary machines
that need access to the curb.
This is why we have
something called
"alternate side of the street
parking," which says that
cars need to vacate
their spot for 90 minutes
on specified days.
But instead of moving,
most New Yorkers
just sit in their car
for the full hour and a half
and wait until
the sweeper comes.
This is an opportunity
for people
to take care of stuff
they've been meaning to do
for, for a while.
Everything is usually very
calm during this period,
and neighbors can even
get to know one another.
Yeah, I took Italian for
a few years in high school,
but I don't really
remember anything.
(speaking English)
Wilson:
What's that?
Wilson:
Oh, he's coming, really?
-(starts engine)
-Wilson: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(honking)
♪
But once the sweeper arrives,
it's a chaotic frenzy where
the entire neighborhood
has to work in unison
in order to make space
and return to their old spots.
(indistinct arguing)
It's a rare ballet that
the city has to perform
at least once a week.
And even if one car
is out of step,
it can easily disrupt
the entire performance.
(honking)
(indistinct directing)
Come, come, come, come, come
Cut the wheel the other way!
(indistinct)
♪
(honk)
Once the sweeper
has done its job,
you'll finally be able to
return to your old spot
and everything will
be at peace again.
(frantic music playing)
Now, because people work so
hard to keep their free spots,
they feel the need to preserve
them when they have to leave.
They usually try to put
common objects in the street
that look like they're there
for some legitimate purpose
because saving a spot
is actually illegal.
But, no matter how clever
you think you're being,
your neighbors will
eventually catch on
and begin to
secretly resent you
for your selfish behavior.
So, to avoid the hassle
of having to do all this,
some New Yorkers just
pay for a monthly spot
in a private garage.
How much does a parking
spot cost for a month?
At this location,
uh, with tax,
for a car, we charge 790.
-Wilson: For a month here?
-Yes.
Wilson:
There's even the lucky few
that have private driveways
and can leave
whenever they want,
even though it disables
a parking spot
on the street
for everyone else.
But even if you have
a spot like this,
your problems still
might not be over.
My spot in Brooklyn had
a free parking spot,
so I kept my car there,
and because of that,
I didn't actually have to,
uh, I didn't have to move
my car twice a week
like most New Yorkers,
which was great.
It was an awesome--
It was a luxury.
There was this
one time I had to drive
just for work for the first time
in probably about four weeks.
And when I was pulling
out of my driveway,
I smelled burnt plastic
and roadkill.
I kept driving, and
seemed totally normal
for about like half a mile.
And then, by the time
I actually got to Manhattan,
my car just like
started smoking.
Like, actually seemed like
it was catching on fire.
So, I pulled off to the side,
yeah, like right here,
and probably within
like two or three minutes,
the car just was
totally engulfed.
(fire truck rumbling)
So, I started filming it.
I filmed like
the fire department just like
break open my car windows,
-start hosing down the engine.
-(smash)
And as I'm filming
my car on fire,
I see Tony Hawk,
the skateboarder, across
the street. He's filming
my car catch on fire.
And I'm like, this is just
the most bizarre New York
thing I've ever seen.
So, I got a selfie with him.
He's very nice in person.
And we found
this older rat in the wheel,
and that's when
we figured out that
rats had nested in the engine
and had probably chewed through
the wiring and blew up the car.
So, I recommend
if you leave your car
in one place for a long time,
check the hood
because there could be
a family of rodents there.
Wilson:
But then you would've never met
Tony Hawk if this didn't happen.
(laughs) That's a good point.
Wilson:
So, if you decide that
a private spot isn't for you,
then the only option is to
learn how to park on
the street like everyone else.
If a space opens up within
eyesight of your apartment,
take a page out of
the neighborhood playbook
and, and try
to put a chair in it.
♪
Just, just make it
a little bigger,
so it's more intimidating.
Then you can run
to get your car, which is,
which is currently
parked really far away.
But by the time you get back,
someone has pushed it,
pushed it over
and taken it, uh,
taken the spot anyway.
So, uh, the next
thing you can try
is to get to know
your neighbors.
If you know that the,
the market near you
closes at 9 PM,
and one of the employees
drives to work,
you can just double-park
your car on Myrtle
and follow them on foot
to see where they parked.
And when they finally
vacate their spot,
uh, you'll be the first
one to know about it.
But as you're about
to run back to your car
to, to fill the space,
another automobile
drives up immediately
and, and backs right in.
And at that point,
uh, you realize
you may not be fast
enough for this trick.
So instead, you can
get experimental and, uh,
use a thermal camera to see
if it can give you an edge.
This camera shows
you the temperature
of everything around you.
So, if a car's engine is warm,
it can mean that
it's, it's just idling,
and the person, uh,
was just running inside
for a quick errand.
But, unfortunately,
your theory turns out to be,
uh, completely false.
But, you did see some other
cool stuff while you were out,
uh, so it wasn't
a, a complete loss.
(vocalizing)
It might begin to feel like
nothing you try is gonna work.
But then one day,
when you're coming home
from running some errands,
you round the corner
to your street
and see that someone has
their brake lights on.
♪
You slow down to see
if they're leaving,
and, sure enough,
they're exiting the spot,
and there's, uh, no one
else around to take it.
You can't believe it.
It's the closest
you've ever gotten
to having your own
personal driveway.
The perfect position,
the perfect dimensions.
This spot and you were
made for each other.
And you finally feel
a sense of peace
for the first time in a while.
For the rest of the week,
you find yourself
looking out the window
all the time
to admire the quality
of your impeccable spot.
You start keeping
clothes in your trunk
in case you misread
the temperature
when you get outside.
And even wash it with a bucket
of water when it's nice out.
It feels like you have
a little guest house
right outside your apartment
that you can customize
however you want to.
♪
And you can finally listen
to the music you like
without risking any
judgment from your partner.
It's a little slice of heaven,
but unfortunately,
this feeling doesn't
last very long
because now that you finally
have what you've always wanted,
all you can think
about is losing it.
You stay home on the weekend,
even though you wanted
to get out of town.
You use a handcart
to bring back heavy stuff
from the supermarket
instead of putting it
in your, in your trunk.
And when someone
invites you to a party
in an inconvenient place,
you say that you
can't go because,
uh, you're in the middle
of something else important.
(creaks)
And everywhere you walk now,
it's like you're still
watching the world
through your windshield.
There's a spot.
That's a nice one.
Oh wow. That's a beauty.
And you begin looking forward
to holidays that
you have absolutely
no right to celebrate.
Even when you watch a movie,
your eye inevitably
drifts towards the curb
to see if there are
any open spots there.
And you start to miss
major plot points
because all you can focus
on are the street signs
to see how much time
the protagonists have
until they get a ticket.
And while you wait in your
car for the sweeper to come,
you end up just thinking
about other spots to save
instead of enjoying
the one that you have.
Maybe finding a spot doesn't
get rid of that
initial anxiety,
but actually just
creates a greater desire
for more territory.
Wait, so you put them there
so that the bicyclists
don't hit you?
For security!
They're not--
The bikes are not
allowed to come here.
-Wilson: Oh.
-The bike are not allowed.
These are the grid lines,
you understand?
He came here.
-Wilson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-And I'm coming
to the door, look.
I'm opening the door-- Look!
He cross from the green,
he came here, knocked me down.
Look, look!
Here's another one.
-Wilson: Oh, here he goes.
-Look, look, look at this guy!
Can't be here, only here!
Schmuck.
You see what he did?
If I didn't put this,
he'll knock me down again.
Hey, in Israel,
we learn how to function.
♪
Wilson:
Early in the morning
in Prospect Park,
people take caution tape
and wrap it around the trees
to make sure that no one
else takes the space
they're planning to use later.
People intentionally put
trash on subway seats,
so that no one is tempted
to sit next to them.
I even went on a date
with someone once
who told me that she printed
out a fake out-of-order sign
to tape on the door
of the restroom
two floors beneath her office.
That way, it stayed empty,
and she had it to herself
whenever she wanted.
Even though the rest of
the time, it was completely
unusable to everyone
else on that floor.
And if that's what it
takes to keep your spot,
then you might just
not be cut out for it.
Maybe people in New York
are so anxious about space
because the supply
gets smaller every day.
But when the virus appeared,
we were finally able
to reclaim parking spaces
and turn them into
whatever we wanted.
And people finally started
to enjoy themselves
in, in public again.
♪
These people may
not realize it,
but they're eating in one of
the most coveted pieces
of real estate
in the whole city.
Maybe it's selfish to expect
your own spot in a city
that needs it so desperately.
And maybe if there were
fewer cars in New York,
people wouldn't be
so territorial here.
You went to the bookstore
to see if you could find
any compelling literature
on the subject.
And you actually found
a whole magazine
that was dedicated to parking.
You start flipping through it,
and you realize
parking to be at the root
of some of the world's
biggest problems.
You also see that they
were hosting an event,
and it was actually
happening pretty soon.
It turned out to be
the magazine's
25th anniversary party.
Everyone was
encouraged to indulge
as much as they wanted.
And some of the biggest
names in parking were there.
He's huge in parking.
-Wilson: Oh yeah?
-Hi.
Wilson:
But when you went down
to look at the vendors,
nobody seemed to be
talking about
reducing cars in cities.
Instead, it seemed
like they just wanted
to maximize revenue
and fill up as
much vacant space
with automobiles as they could.
In the old days,
you may just get that spot
used one time, but now,
you can direct people where
those spots are available,
and let them park there.
And you can get somebody
to pay for the same real estate
three or four times a day,
as opposed to paying
for it once or twice.
Larry Cohen:
I wrote a book
based on my 40 years
in senior parking management.
Unfortunately,
I've had the experience
at working at
major university hospitals,
and also at my municipality,
that folks have jumped
and committed suicide
from the parking garages.
And I've experienced it
more times than
I would like to admit.
Uh, so, the book is
dedicated to those who
found that committing suicide
from a parking garage
was their last resort.
♪
Wilson:
Maybe you weren't gonna get
the answers you were
looking for here.
All you wanted to do was
find a place where
you could finally rest,
but it seemed like
everyone there
was just trying to get you to
move on as quickly as possible.
Maybe parking spots
were only designed
to give you
short-term pleasure.
And by having a car,
you're doomed to a life
of perpetual motion.
And if you really want
lasting peace of mind,
you just need to
look somewhere else.
My name is Viviane Koenig.
My husband and I
have cemetery plots
at New Montefiore Cemetery.
Death is inevitable.
If you're prepared for
certain important things,
-it eases your mind
and your family's mind.
-(phone ringing)
Wilson:
Um, here, do you need
to get that at all or
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Wilson: Oh no,
it's okay. Come in.
Kim from next door.
I-I'm busy right now.
She's busy now, Kim.
Can she call you back?
Wilson:
Does, does the lease on
a cemetery plot ever expire?
Not when you buy it.
If you buy it,
then it doesn't expire.
It's, it's yours forever.
This is where it's located.
And here's the perpetual
care agreement.
Wilson:
Can we go check it out?
I know it's near.
It's always
hard to find it.
Oh, I see it. I see it. Hello.
Stuart, Stuart! I see it.
This is the Koenig plot,
and this is
where he and I
will rest.
Preferably in peace.
We're very satisfied
with this spot
because it's
near the office
and close to the,
um, parking lot.
Wilson:
It seems like even in death,
your proximity to a parking
space is just as important.
♪
Maybe worrying
about finding a spot
just never goes away.
And no matter how far into
the future you prepare,
anxiety about your car
will always be with you.
But then when you were looking
around the cemetery office,
you saw a brochure
for a company that
might be able to tackle a few
of your problems all at once.
I run a company called
Cruisin Caskets,
and this is what we make,
car-shaped coffins.
-Wilson: Wow.
-Okay, this is just
all interior
is just like, uh, like
a regular upholstery
from a, from
a casket or even
just any type of furniture from
a car or anything like that.
You have these handles,
that these pull out.
These are for the pallbearers,
for carrying.
And then you have
handles in the front
-(click)
-and handles in the back.
(click)
Yeah, I'll be buried
in one of these and, uh
-Wilson: Oh really?
-Casket Maker: Yeah.
-Wilson: How do you know
you're gonna fit inside of it?
-Casket Maker: Uh
(birds chirping)
-(creaking)
-Oh.
(creaking)
Wilson:
What's it like in there?
Casket Maker:
Dark.
Wilson:
Can you honk the horn if you're
accidentally buried alive?
Casket Maker:
Nah, I don't think so.
Wilson:
It seemed like a nice thought
to put your mind at ease,
but unfortunately, you
still have a car at home.
And you haven't
stopped thinking about
how long you'll be
able to keep it there.
♪
Maybe there is no
solution for the living,
and up until you pass away,
you'll spend your whole life
just circling the block,
waiting for your
meter to expire.
You weren't really sure who
would buy something like this,
but the, the maker
told you about a guy
in Jersey who, who
purchased one recently.
Turns out he runs
a funeral home,
and he let you
come check it out.
So, how much did it cost?
This one was about
$6,800.
-Wilson: Wow.
-But I sold my hearse,
so that's why I was able
to pay for that.
I look at it
as a wash for me.
Because I had--
I got publicity out
of the other hearse,
now I got publicity
out of this.
I think it'll pay for itself,
just in the long run.
Wilson:
It turned out he was more
than just a funeral director,
and he was actually
an obsessive collector
with diverse tastes.
This is a bookshelf.
I got this
at an estate sale.
It's a reproduction.
-But, it's just
-Wilson: Oh, okay.
I had to have it,
and this chair over here.
It's a reproduction also,
but I had to have this chair.
Wilson:
He also had a whole
wall of photos
of him with politicians
and other notable people.
And just as he was about
to wrap up the tour,
he showed you the collection
he was most proud of.
♪
-Wilson: Oh
-This is my project
I started a couple,
about four months ago.
These were all in
my house at one time.
-Wilson: (stammering)
You killed each one of these?
-Director: Yes.
-Wilson: Oh my god
-(laughs)
Director:
To me, it's my,
my, my relaxation.
I, uh
My business is tough.
You're around people
all the time.
I'll leave at 2:00,
3:00 in the afternoon,
drive up to,
about an hour ride,
45-minute ride,
climb into my tree stand
and sit there for an hour or two
just till it gets dark.
And it's just my way of escape,
getting away from everything.
And if a deer comes, it's fine.
If it doesn't, it's the idea
you're out there,
just getting away from it all.
Wilson:
Do you think you'll ever
be fully satisfied?
Director:
No. After you shoot it,
you don't feel that great,
but, I mean, it's nice.
It's like anything.
You got it, now what
do you do, you know?
Wilson:
So, it's just like once you
It's just about having the goal,
it's not about
It's a goal and the thrill,
the thrill, the thrill
of the hunt.
That's what it's all about.
The experience, what it's like.
Being in nature, being,
seeing everything,
what it's all about.
♪
Wilson:
Parking some place for too long
takes away the joy of
finding that perfect spot.
And maybe expecting anything
to last forever
misses the whole point.
Because once you
claim something,
then it takes it out of
circulation for everyone else.
And the best part
of living in a city
is knowing that there
will always be a place
for you somewhere.
And when your time comes,
you just gotta be ready
to give up your spot
for the next person
who needs it.
Because even if you're not sure
it'll be there
when you get back,
at the very least,
you can always enjoy
the thrill of the hunt.
And instead of being upset
that you lost your spot,
just be proud that you got
one in the first place.
Because when you
eventually have to
vacate this planet
and can't park here anymore,
you can be at peace
because you know there
will always be a spot
waiting for you
somewhere at the big
Boston Market in the sky.
This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
("Hail to the Chief" playing)
♪