Huff (2004) s02e03 Episode Script
Whipped Doggie
Previously on Huff I have a nurse coming to the house.
Has anybody told you how long I have? She asked me if it was ok if she died here.
Oh, man.
My name's Kevin and I'm from Placitas-- Oh.
Fuck off, you idiot.
Are you drunk? I thought you went down there to find your brother.
Honey, we are.
We're looking for Teddy right now.
Jesus, Huff.
I don't know what we did to deserve all this.
You don't deserve any of it.
God just thinks you're strong enough to handle it all.
I didn't fuck your mother.
I made love to your mother.
And, newsflash, she made love to me.
Just shut the fuck up! Those are fabulous.
Thank you.
Did I tell you I'm an epileptic? - No, you didn't.
- I can't go to jail.
Ok.
- Promise.
- I promise.
Teddy, please don't wander away.
You're gonna be back at Woodburn before you know it, ok? Who said anything about Woodburn? I don't want to go back to Woodburn.
He literally begged you to participate in any chance he might have of getting better.
But you were too scared to do that, weren't you? You're frightening me, craig.
Why should I go home with you if you're just gonna lie to me year after year.
No, Ted, I'm not lying, I swear to you.
Teddy, you cannot fly.
Oh, yes, I can.
Teddy! Teddy! Oh, my God, you are so beautiful.
I had no idea how beautiful you would be.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Who cares, man? You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm-- what I'm-- what I'm feeling here.
What I'm feeling here.
You know? It just doesn't stop.
I'm afraid it's gonna stop.
It's your medication.
I told you, you got to eat with this stuff.
You told me you ate.
You lying? Hmm? I myself finally took a solid shit this morning.
Rub it in, why don't you? No, I'm just-- you know, I think my stomach thing is finally clearing up.
Good for you.
It was shaped like a perfect "S.
" What the fuck does that mean? Don't tell me you don't look at your shit.
I know you do.
Everybody looks at their shit.
My shit looks like the la brea tar pits.
Well, you really should have some breakfast.
Come on.
I'm not hungry, I'm depressed.
I tried to fly in Mexico, I break my wrist.
If I landed on you, goofy, I could have killed you.
My life is shit.
My shit, not your shit.
Look at me.
I'm a grown man, and I'm sharing a room with a teenage boy.
Well, we're gonna take care of that.
Paul lined up a bunch of assisted living places for us to look at today.
No.
Oh, unbelievable.
Hello.
Hi, mom.
Gee, you sound so clear it's hard to believe that you're all the way up in the guest house.
Ok, I'll be right there.
Ok, ok, ok.
God.
She's put me back in Woodburn, hasn't she? No, Ted.
I promised you that wouldn't happen.
You cannot take me back there, man.
I'll disintegrate.
That place is a fuckin' gulag.
Why can't I just stay here? You know why, Ted.
No, I don't.
Well, why do you think? 'Cause I strangled mother.
It was 10 year ago, man.
Well, I'm sorry, Ted, but she just hasn't been able to work her way through that one yet.
I'll take my meds.
I'll--I'll eat toast.
I'll shit the whole fuckin' alphabet if you want me to.
I'll talk to her geraniums.
She talks to her geraniums.
Can I get a fuckin' iron? I'll get you an iron, but hurry up and get dressed, ok? I want to check out at least 3 places today.
Hey.
If this is a setup, if you are putting me in a padded van and taking me back to Woodburn, I swear to God I'm gonna kill myself.
Look, you think this is easy for me? It's not, all right? I fuckin' hate this.
All right, yes.
Yes, I would prefer that you stay at Woodburn where it's safe, I know you're taken care of, but you don't want that.
So I promise you it's not going to happen.
Put it in writing.
Put it in writing? Ted, come on.
Fine.
I'll have Russell draw up a contract for you immediately.
Great.
I get to be there though.
Teddy I'm joking, all right? No, I think it's a great idea, and I think we should do it today.
You think we should do it today? You think Russell should draw you up a contract today? It's a little short notice, don't you think? He fucked mom.
He owes you.
Today.
Hey.
Beth.
Beth.
- Come on.
- What? You haven't said 2 words to me since I got back from Mexico.
What am I, the invisible man? I haven't had 2 words to say.
Well, honey, look, I--I can't-- - No.
- No.
I can't deal with this right now, ok? Can we please just let my mother die first? And you handle Teddy so your mother doesn't go Howard Hughes.
I don't need handling.
I need an iron.
We will figure us out later, ok? Ok.
Ok.
I love you.
The iron's above the dryer.
How do you want your eggs, daddy? I don't care.
How does mommy make them for you? She gives me cereal.
Fried? Can't fry cereal, angel.
Your eggs.
Whatever's easiest.
I think any egg's difficult.
It's just that the shell seems to be really problematic.
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
No matter how careful you are, there's always this little speck of shell in there somewhere.
Yeah, and it's like impossible to get it out of the sticky stuff, you know? You thought any more about mother's cremation? Her what? Her cremation.
I think we should do it here in Los Angeles.
Uh, what the hell are you talking about? Um, you're burning the butter, mom.
I think over easy, Bethy.
The eggs, not your grandmother.
Do you think that's funny? Um a bit, yeah.
And you're talking about incinerating her like she's garbage.
Whoa.
Let's back this up a bit.
How can you even talk about this now? She's not even gone yet and you're making jokes.
If your mother can say she wants her ashes dropped from a helicopter on the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, I can make a bad joke about eggs.
She didn't say that.
She's never said that.
She hates Atlantic City.
She loves Atlantic City.
Bullshit.
You love it, that's why she goes.
She hates it.
She has always hated it.
And she's not gonna be cremated just because you say that's what she wants.
We are taking her home to New Jersey and I'm gonna pick out her dress and she's gonna look beautiful.
You make your own goddamn eggs.
Oh, my God.
Quick, get inside.
Get in! What can I do for you, mother? Where is he? - Who's he? - You know who.
Yeah, I know who.
Can you say his name, please? Teddy.
Teddy.
Where--where is he? He's downstairs in Byrd's room getting dressed.
What, you left him alone? Oh, no.
He's tied to the bed.
Byrd's got one of dad's .
357 magnums trained right at his temple.
Don't patronize me.
Your father took all his guns with him years ago.
Right.
You know, mom, I'm starting to think maybe you should be the one who should be strapped to the bed.
Oh, my God.
You know, I'm just gonna-- I'm just going to keep myself situated right here until he leaves.
That's a good plan, mom.
Why don't you drink more while you're at it.
God, I can see right through that bloody mary, mother.
Shh.
How's his arm? It's his right wrist and it's broken in 2 places.
That's the same arm he broke when he was just little.
He was 4 years old, yeah.
And I had to carry him all the way to the hospital.
You know why? 'Cause your father-- heh heh, he sold all the cars the week before.
Oh, my God.
That poor little boy.
Well, that'll knit quickly.
Hey, how long do I have to stay locked up here? Well, Teddy and I were just discussing that, and we decided the rest of your life would be good.
How can you be so insolent in the face of tragedy? Now, I want you to call Woodburn and return him.
He's not a pair of shoes, mom.
I want you to take him back today.
Well, no can do.
We have a meeting with Russell today.
Mmm.
Why? Russell? Yeah, why, you jealous? I'm meeting with Russell because he's drawing up a contract for Teddy and I.
We're establishing the new terms of his assisted living situation.
What term-- what's with-- about mine? My terms? What about 'em? He's not going back to Woodburn, mom.
Oh, yes, he is.
Oh, no, he is not.
You know, I bet that you wish that he had killed me on that linoleum floor 10 years ago in Pasadena.
Hmm? Oh, my God.
I can't believe we had linoleum.
Um bye, mom.
Have a-- have a nice day.
I want to make it very clear that I am only writing checks to Woodburn.
Well, then, they're gonna have to build a new wing called the Izzy, 'cause he ain't going back there.
Ok? In the meantime, you'll have to figure out some other way to ease your conscience besides writing checks.
You have no idea what's in my conscience.
Mom, given what I do now, I imagine it's pretty dark in there.
So, if this is going to work, Teddy has to agree to take his medication.
Only if I get to choose my poison.
No, no, no.
I choose your poison.
Fellas, let's not refer to it as poison.
Ok? What do you say? That doesn't bode so well for any potential civil action that might take place down the road, should things become dicey.
Dicey? - Is that the official legal term? - Yes, it is.
You know, Teddy, Huff's a doctor.
He should have final say in determining your medication.
And Dr.
Huffstodt, you need to take Teddy's feelings into consideration and have other options available, should he have just cause in rejecting your primary recommendation.
F ine.
Ok? Good.
I want Clozaril.
No Clozaril.
No way.
That could kill you.
He's dismissing me.
He cannot dismiss me.
Put that in the contract.
No dismissing me.
Buddy, can that stuff really kill you? Like, dead? - It puts him at risk for agranulocytosis.
- .
.
Cytosis.
Which is a very severe blood disorder.
Detectable early with regular blood tests.
But why risk that? It's a last resort measure.
There are plenty of other therapies to try first.
Teddy, um, I really understand the wish to die.
Trust me, I do.
But avoiding a medication because it has a potentially fatal side effect is not dismissing you.
So, why don't we just say that, you know, for now, you both have veto power over the medication and Huff is vetoing Clozaril.
Fine.
Ok.
What about the living situation? No Woodburn.
Put that in there.
What happened over there, buddy? The, uh, the gym teacher diddle you or something? And I get the-- the v-veto power that he gets with living situations.
Ok, but I have to be comfortable with the supervision.
I want a lock on my door.
Reasonable request? I don't want people barging in.
Fine.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I agree with it.
You should definitely have your own space, as long as you're accounted for every night.
Maybe that means you don't come by so much anymore.
You don't want me to come by so much anymore? No, no, no.
Still come by and all.
Just, uh maybe call first.
A cell phone! I want a cell phone.
Put that in there.
You hear me? You hear me now, Craig? Do you, Craig? You hear me? Yeah, I hear you, Ted.
'Cause sometimes at Woodburn, you would just-- you'd just come by and I didn't want any company at all.
You'd just knock on the door and pull up a chair, like I was supposed to do cartwheels or something because you showed up.
I'm-- I had no idea you felt that way.
Sometimes, I'd be drugged, or tired, or depressed, delusional, suicidal, obsessed, childlike, awkward, ugly, dull, slovenly, unlovable.
You know? Yeah, I know.
It's kinda why I felt compelled to come by and visit.
Half the time, I felt like I was the one who was taking care of you.
Admit it.
You came to dump on me, too.
I mean, sometimes you'd go on and on and on about all your life, and I had nothing to say back to you, because all of my days were exactly the same.
You kinda used me, Craig.
So, maybe you could just call first.
Ok.
She still looks pretty, huh? Beautiful.
Who am I supposed to talk to now? Who's gonna watch television with me? Who's gonna tell me to cut the lawn? You know me, I don't really give a rat's ass about the yard.
Probably never do it.
Well, now, the only reason I protest her death-- I thought you loved that dress, baby.
I love all your dresses, pretty girl.
I-- I'm not gonna-- - What's that, sweetheart? - Mom, what are you saying? I-I'm not gonna wear my panties tonight.
What did she say? She said she's not gonna wear her panties tonight.
Oh, ok.
That's what I-- uh, ok-- thought.
Can we, uh, talk about this later, sweetheart? When my time comes, you put me right next to her.
And-- that would be somewhere over the Taj Mahal in New Jersey, right? That's right.
Why am I so goddamn nervous? You'd think I was being indicted or something, and where the hell are my goddamn Xanax? Here you are, my dear.
Take some of mine.
Yours are white.
Mine are peach.
Yes, but the white are 2 milligrams, whereby the peach are only a half.
So, if I took one of your white, it would be like taking 4 of my peach ones? Um, I don't usually mix arithmetic and Xanax, but trust me.
Take one of the white ones.
They're fantastic.
Thanks.
I just-- I'm not usually this nervous in the middle of the afternoon.
I mean, do you think it's because I fraudulently billed some of my clients, who happened to be government agencies, and that just happens to be a felony? You know, it could have something to do with it, but never fear, because I do have a plan.
Oh, goody.
Jorge Corrales is the name of the D.
A.
who'll be prosecuting your case, and I've invited him over here for a meeting tomorrow to discuss 2 cases that don't have anything to do with you.
What I want you to do is to accidentally just drop by, because I want him to meet you, so that he can experience you as the kind, earnest, and generous person that you actually are.
Why don't I just fuck him? You know, it's never actually a guarantee of anything.
It lacks a certain subtlety.
I'd be happier if you just, you know, splashed a little more of that fabulous scent you've been wearing on, and-- and maybe sport a little bit of tasteful cleavage, and just engage in some benign talky-talk.
How about a blow job? I could just blow him.
It is my experience that it's difficult to establish earnestness with a dick in your mouth.
That is debatable.
Look, trust me.
"Oh, my god, where the fuck is my cell phone? I've lost my cell phone.
" I'll throw a fit.
I'll say, "this is totally inappropriate.
I can't have you two in the same room, and this has to end immediately.
" You might just anyway decide to sit down next to him for about 3 minutes, ok? Afterwards, I will throw a tantrum, insist that you leave, and escort you to the elevator.
I think it's a good idea.
I think it'll get us something.
Ok.
How about if I just put my hand on his leg? Now, that's earnest.
Earnest? What do you mean? Like this.
Well, you know, maybe, um--here.
Maybe--maybe higher.
Higher up, and, you know, kind of squeeze.
Squeeze on certain words for emphasis, right? Firm, not hard.
Gentle, but not weak.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
A statement not a-- not a question.
Yeah.
Intrigue, but not confusion.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I was-- Russell-- What--God, what the hell are you doing here? Damn it.
That asshole fired me.
I am with a client, Kelly.
And I'm with child.
Your child.
I just lost my job, and I need those benefits.
You cannot just come barging in here and dumping your shit all over the place, darling, when I am with an important client.
Hey, come on over here and sit down.
Come on.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Jesus.
Are you--uh, are you two married? - Oh, slow down.
- Oh, God, no.
- Listen, I might have a little situation here, - I guess I made one mistake, - .
.
but married? No.
- .
.
but I'm not about to make 2.
- Husband? Oh, god.
- My wife? No.
Not, no, thank you.
Well, maybe you oughta give it a try.
You make kind of a cute couple.
You think? Absolutely.
I do.
So, how'd you two meet? Um, he buys this, um, flat screen television from me.
And then, he drags me home to his place.
Then gets me all stretched out on booze and ecstasy.
Then he knocks me up.
There.
Dumped your shit instead.
Better? Much.
So, how did you get fired? Oh, I threw up on a 52" plasma.
I can't believe a bombshell like you has legal problems.
Who'd you throw up on? Oh-- You, don't ask.
And you, don't tell.
You're a lesbian? I didn't think Bush made lesbianism illegal yet.
She's not a lesbian.
Well, not since college.
College? Really? It would take a lot of nerve for Bush to take on issues of such global importance like sex, don't you think? Considering he's a bush himself.
I like her.
I like your dress.
Oh, fuck me with a stick.
You know, now that I'm pregnant, I just don't know what to wear.
I should probably go shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Hey, there is a great maternity store up on Cahuenga.
And you know, there is a really good custom bra store out in Pasadena, and when you're pregnant, you should be wearing custom bras.
Oh.
Absolutely.
Hey, hey, Oprah.
Do you want to go shopping, or do you want to stay out of jail? I wanna go shopping.
Oh, thank God you got here.
He was driving me crazy.
What kind of trouble are you in, anyway? Oh, taxpayer theft and about 500 million counts of wire fraud.
- No big deal.
- It's a felony! I know what you're thinking.
I am not cock-blocking you.
You're not even in her league.
You don't know what league I play in.
You play in my league, fatso.
I played one fucking game in your league.
In addition to basketball and tennis, we have bingo on wednesdays, chess and checkers on thursdays, and on the last friday of every month, we take a group trip to the municipal swimming pool.
This is a nice room.
You're looking at the crown jewel of Pine Bluff.
It's Popeil's Pocket Fisherman.
So small, it fits in your glove compartment.
- The television? - The residents love it.
It's a big TV.
The area has, more or less, evolved into a kind of watering hole for the residents.
Like wildebeests.
That's a 50" plasma with a high-def box and the couches are super comfy.
Why are all the wildebeests still in their pajamies? Pine Bluff residents are free to wear whatever they want.
They look really fuckin' liberated to me.
Ted, Ted.
Wish I could wear my pajamas all day.
Really? Do you? You wish you had no reason to get up and get dressed? You wish your life was that pointless? Ted? I don't think that's what she meant.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go over there and talk to these narcoleptic wildebeests.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
He's been very agitated lately.
Please, there is no need to apologize.
Uh, my guess is, we'll put him on Zyprexa.
We actually had him on Zyprexa for a while, and he hated it.
He gained a ton of weight.
Don't worry.
If he's admitted here, our doctors will put him through a full evaluation.
Actually, I'm a psychiatrist, and I'd like to be the one prescribing his meds.
Oh.
Well, normally we insist on dictating the treatments, but since you are a doctor, I'm sure we can work something out.
Good.
I got a 2-pound pike with a Pocket Fisherman! Hey.
I'm Angelina Jolie.
Do you wanna fuck? Hey.
Huh? How long you been here, man? Several hours.
No, I mean in the building.
You new? No, not yet.
So, listen, what's the deal here? This elf chick Stacey is pitching thisn place like it's el dorado or something.
She's from Oklahoma, which is connected to several other states.
Wow.
What's scary is, you're not wrong.
I like your haircut.
Would you shave my head, too? Yeah, buddy.
I'll shave your head.
You gotta go to Mexico, though, to do it.
That's ok.
Think that's on the third floor.
Yeah.
All righty, then.
You ever seen a TV so big? It's the crown jewel.
It's under $30, and it makes a great gift.
O heavenly Father, for the strength that you've given me, I thank you.
For the health that you've blessed me with, I thank you, Lord.
And for this woman, Lord, who's being overcome with cancer, I ask, Father, that you strengthen and heal her as you see fit.
Father, giver of life and health, relieve and comfort your sick servant Madeline.
Lord, I praise you because you made this body, and only you can heal it.
So, Father, I come to you, thanking you already because it's been done, in Jesus' name, I pray.
Glory, glory, glory.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you, Father.
- Thank you-- - Your hands.
Hello, Madeline.
They're so warm.
- There's heat-- - Yes.
Real heat.
Hey.
Hey.
Paul and Ira.
We were talking to Jesus.
I see that.
How is geometry class, honey? Still scary? No.
No, mommy.
Geometry was ok.
Oh, that's good, sweetheart.
Freakin' whore! Teddy, she wasn't that bad.
She has already forgotten my name, and you fucking know it.
Bitch should spritz perfume at people at Bloomingdale's.
She was vacant, man.
Did you see her eyes? There was nothing behind them.
And that guy I talked to thought Mexico was on the third fucking floor.
I hate this fucking place.
Oh, Teddy, Teddy.
Jesus! Teddy.
What the fuck are you doing? Are you kidding me? Nobody wants to know a guy who lives in a fucking home.
If I saw me coming out of here, I wouldn't want to talk to me.
All right, all right.
Just calm down, all right? Just take it easy.
Jesus Christ.
You know, this place actually has a lot to offer, you know? What? Like horse tranquilizers? You heard her.
Like, uh, uh, live music and basketball and tennis-- This is just-- it's all therapy, man.
And nothing can just be what it is.
It all has a point to it.
I wanna hear music, and have it just be music, you know? Ted, you know, anyplace you go is gonna have some kind of treatment.
You know that, right? If you lock me up with these fucking pod people, I swear to god, I will swallow my tongue.
All right.
So, I take that to mean that you're vetoing Pine Bluff.
Is that correct? You mean, I actually get veto power? Well, that's what's in the contract, right? Let's just get out of here, please, before they lock us both up.
Cuckoo's nest.
All this place needs is a retarded indian on the porch rolling fucking cigars.
It's not funny.
It actually is kinda funny.
Take my wedding ring off my hand.
What, mom? Your ring? My wedding ring.
Take it off my finger.
- Why, mom-- - Just do it.
I want you to have it.
Mom, why are you giving this to me? Shouldn't-- shouldn't this go to daddy? So he can give it to some 30-year-old golf course beer bimbo? This shiny, complicated little diamond took your father years to pay for when we were young.
Took thousands of years to form in the ground.
It reminds me to embrace every precious moment for all of you.
I'm blessed.
That's why I want you to have it.
I don't want you to miss your life.
Your Byrd.
Your Huff.
Your you.
Hey, Byrdy.
You asleep? Not even close.
Me neither.
I get like this sometimes.
You think it's because you're a-- you know, because you're Oh, Jesus Christ, Byrdy.
Just come on and stop tippy-toeing around it.
You wanna know if I'm awake 'cause I'm insane, right? Yeah, right.
You're awake.
You insane? Good point.
Uncle Teddy? Yes, nephew Byrd? When did you first know? I was about 20.
I had this friend.
He had no chin.
Looked like an old woman.
And he was dating this girl.
And she was the daughter of this big record company guy, and they had this house up in Benedict Canyon.
Somehow, I found myself on the roof of that house.
Bare feet, my toes just hanging off the edge.
Were you going to kill yourself? Hell, no, Byrdy.
That didn't come till much, much later.
This was so sweet.
I was at the tops of the trees, the top of Los Angeles, and I was looking down at this hawk that was flying around, and he was looking up at me, like, "holy shit, I better climb up, there's this thing looking down at me and it doesn't have any wings.
" See, he couldn't see my wings.
I was looking down at Santa Monica and Westwood and Hollywood, and all the way down to L.
A.
's weird little downtown.
It looked like a toy city carved into a fake landscape and I knew why everybody lived in every part of town because Los Angeles-- it plugged itself into me and it told me everything.
That sounds really nice.
Yeah, it was.
Till they saw me up on the roof, and they start flipping out.
Well, did you tell them what happened? I told them I was taking a leak.
They called me "Teddy of the tree tops.
" I knew it was way too big for them.
I knew they'd never get it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm selling the house.
- What? - It's too big for me.
Not to mention, the market is boffo right now.
Not like L.
A.
, but it's hot.
You've had that house my whole life! It's too big and teaneck's too cold.
Your mother and I always talked about Hilton Head.
Great golf, great tennis.
You know where else? Murrells Inlet.
Got these still, glassy waterways.
It's beautiful.
I think she loved that place more than Atlantic City.
She wants her ashes scattered over the boardwalk in New Jersey, Beth.
This one isn't open for discussion.
Mickey Spillane lives at Murrells.
You know, the Mike Hammer books.
I can't play tennis in Murrells Inlet.
We're going to Hilton Head.
Honey, honey, you should be in bed.
You're gonna fall do--what is all this blood on your hands? Here, give me your arm, I'll take you back.
Uh, Beth, honey, get a clean towel and some peroxide.
Now, come on, honey, back to bed.
I'm serious, Jim! Murrells Inlet is so boring for me, and a funny thing happened to me while I was in there dying.
What's that, sweetheart? I'm never doing anything boring again.
I'm never doing anything boring again.
Then Hilton Head it is.
Lots of golf.
And no more golf carts.
We're walking the entire 18 holes.
Beth! I said your mother's bleeding, get me a clean towel.
Hey.
She walked into the kitchen! - Who did? - Mom! Well, she's probably just foraging for vodka.
No, no, not your mom, my mom.
She just walked right into the kitchen by herself.
You're kidding me! How? I don't understand any of it.
Well, you want me to come home? I can be home in, like, half an hour.
No, no, it's ok.
I'm taking her to Dr.
Berman's in, like, 5 minutes.
I think I pulled him out of surgery or something.
This is just scaring the shit out of me.
I thought-- I thought she was going to die today.
I just woke up with that feeling, like-- like I knew.
Oh, I gotta go.
I will call you after.
All right, sweetie.
I'll talk to you later.
Ted.
Teddy! It's up this way.
Don't freakin' walk off on me.
You scared the beejeezus out of me.
When's meal time around here? Uh, when you're hungry.
Tenants cook for themselves.
Well, that's pretty cool, Craig.
They also do their own laundry, brush their own teeth.
Where do you stand on facility-sanctioned group activities? Uh, I think they're a condescending, soul-crushing waste of time.
So do I.
Soul-crushing is a little extreme, don't you think? No, I don't.
So, this is our only empty room.
Hey, Max.
Max, this is Craig and Teddy Huffstodt.
Hey.
Good for you two.
I'm a Bush man myself, but he's wayff on the gay marriage thing.
We're brothers, man.
Sorry.
You looked like lovers.
Really? Uh, Max, would you mind showing Teddy around? My pleasure.
You like noodles, Theodoros? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
I like noodles.
Good, 'cause I got a shitload.
Um, so it's pretty bare bones.
Yeah.
Just had the floor redone.
It's pretty nice.
Well, it's supposed to be so he can make it his own.
Yeah, it's pretty unorthodox.
Dr.
Huffstodt, don't mistake me for some idealistic, A.
C.
L.
U, bleeding heart dimwit.
I've done my time in state hospitals.
It broke my heart.
I've also done time in places like Woodburn.
Same shit, nicer rooms.
You know? You stifle your patients, and what do they do? They lie.
They do and say whatever they think will get you off their backs.
Yeah, that's the challenge we face, isn't it? Getting at the truth.
This is just my way of doing that.
Yeah, I just-- I have to know my brother is safe, you know? Does he know you're safe? Living a life is not safe.
Yeah.
But I don't have schizophrenia.
And I'm over-simplifying.
We do give a lot of attitude here, and occasionally, our tenants do stumble, but many also leave here able to live on their own and willing to manage their disease.
This is 2 weeks ago, and this is 20 minutes ago.
The tumor's shrinking.
What does this mean? Shrinking means getting smaller, sweetheart.
Oh, I know that, daddy.
Testy.
I don't die and she gets testy.
Well, why is this happening, and how? I mean, she's--she's not on chemo.
Spontaneous remission is about the best answer I can give.
Well, will it come back? It's a possibility.
When? Honey, we've had this conversation, remember? You're being so flip! Don't you want to know? Know what? How long I'm going to live? Nobody can tell me that.
All I know right now is I'm further away from Atlantic City than I was yesterday.
And that's enough for me.
Is that good enough for you, Beth? Sure.
Yeah.
I mean, of course.
Absolutely.
So who's this Isabel? Are you banging her? It's my mom! Oh, man.
Tagging your mom? God! No! It's a long story.
What about your mother? She weighs in at about 300 pounds, but if you want a shot, it's fine by me.
No.
That's not what I meant.
So where's the, uh, TV room? Fuck that brain box.
Ok.
Where does everyone sit? The chair, the couch, the beach.
Wherever.
I mean, are there assigned seats? It's not an airplane.
But, things pick up when everyone gets home, so if you're into sitting or whatever, I'm sure you can form some kind of evening sitting group.
What do you mean, when everyone gets home? Home from wherever the hell they go.
You sign out in the morning and then you sign back in at night.
The day is yours.
You can go to the beach, shoot hoops, dig through a trashcan.
That'll fill your day out right.
What time is it? I'm gonna go see if I can find some dolphins.
Hope you enjoyed the tour.
Late.
I can't make any promises, Russell, you know that.
Thank you so much, Magdalena.
Please, no disturbances while I'm with Mr.
Corrales.
Certainly.
Not after a promise, just a little friendly feedback.
She seeing anybody? Who, Maggie? She is not, I don't think.
Why? So you're shopping for a judge.
Yes, I am.
Look, I got this--I got this little old lady, all right? She lost her retirement account.
Company she worked for fucked up their pension plan.
She panicked.
Right.
Jorge, if I get judge peal, he's gonna cut her poor fuckin' heart out.
He is.
But, if I walk in there and I see somebody like McPherson, I'm gonna know she's gonna get her story told.
McPherson is not gonna confuse some destitute, nervous old lady with Michael fucking Milken, you know what I'm saying? And besides, it's pro-bono, so don't make me look bad.
Anyway, you know what I mean.
Maggie would be very happy if she-- I'm so sorry, Mr.
Tupper.
I tried to explain, but-- I'm sorry, I just-- I think I left my cell phone over here.
It has all my numbers in it, Russell.
No, no, no.
Darling, I'm sorry-- So sorry to interrupt your meeting-- Check the cushions in my couch immediately.
Yes, uh, Dauri Rathburn, Jorge Corrales.
And you two actually may not meet right now.
You cannot meet.
I'm sorry.
Senor Corrales.
Yeah, senor Corrales is actually the assistant district attorney prosecuting your case, so it's highly inappropriate for you to even be in the same room.
- Excuse me.
- No, I'm serious.
I am so glad to meet you because there's been a terrible misunderstanding about this whole thing.
- Mrs.
Rathburn, I-- - Yes? I tend to agree.
I've gone over so many of your files and I don't understand how you get so much done.
I have a wonderful assistant.
I'll bet you do.
Ok, that's enough of that! Um, Mrs.
Rathburn, I really do need to escort you to the elevator.
The point is that this is entirely inappropriate.
The point is that your client is regularly inflating her billable hours and she's doing it in her own handwriting.
See, I've got the files right here.
I've got hundreds more back at the office.
August 4th.
The originals, the ones you filed.
L.
A.
X.
became 11 billable hours from 6.
D.
W.
P.
went from 4 to 7.
Lacma, 6 becomes 9.
Hey, this was an accident! Before she even took a nap, Russell, it's a 27-hour day.
I'm not remotely interested, all right? We got discovery next week.
I don't know why you're doing this.
You open this up.
- Why don't you cut me a break? - You need to know this.
This is a mistake! This is your game, I'm just playing.
Get out of the car.
Get out of the car.
Get out of the car.
Excuse me? Get out of the car.
Who's she talking to? Get out of the car.
- Get out of the car.
- Somebody in a car.
There's no car in the conference room.
Get out of the car.
- Um, clearly my client-- - Get out of the car.
.
.
is overworked, and upset, most likely due to your aggressive and unprofessional behavior.
Blow me.
I'll make it go away.
Russ, I'm not testifying for or against anybody.
Fuck, no.
I've got matchbook grads for that shit.
I just want you to check her out.
I want to know, frankly, is she--is she really nuts, or just sick? I mean, is it only epilepsy? I mean, don't you people have, you know, special shit for that? Doesn't she have her own doctor? Yeah, but she won't see him.
You know, sexual boundary problem or something like that.
For some reason, she said she'd see you.
Ok, fine, but I'm serious.
I'm not gonna be dragged into court, ok? You're not turning me into ambulance-chasing consultant puppet freak.
Promise.
I promise.
All right, so, uh, I start seeing patients at 9:00 tomorrow, so have her come by the office at, like, 8:00.
Buddy, thank you.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Very good.
So, I decided to go to the Venice establishment.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Let's, um ha--let's have a seat.
Come on.
What? I'm just not comfortable with that place, Teddy.
I'm sorry, but it just-- the idea of you and Max running around Venice Beach all day eating noodles-- No, no, no.
It's a good place, man.
I know you like it, and I'm really sorry, but I just have too many reservations.
Ted, for your own protection, I gotta veto it.
You are trying to control me.
Just like mother.
Our whole deal is bullshit.
- That's not true.
- I trusted you! - Teddy-- - You're--you're a fucking liar, Craig.
Ted.
Shit! Byrd! - Byrd! - What? Where's Teddy? He's right there, dad.
No, he's not.
Oh, shit.
When'd he leave? That's what I'm asking you.
I was taking a leak.
Oh, Jesus, Ted.
What are you doing up? I couldn't sleep.
Can I talk to you for a second? Come here.
Come outside.
Sorry to wake you, Byrd.
Teddy, I am not a liar.
Ok? I am just scared shitless of that place.
I could not survive losing you.
Not you.
You're losing me now.
I'm losing me.
I cannot stay locked up in a box, Craig, for other people's peace of mind.
I just want you to be safe, Ted.
I just want me to be happy.
Um, all right.
Ok.
Let's give the Venice home a shot.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
If anything happens to you, I'll just ask Byrd to shoot me in the head.
He probably won't put up too much of an argument.
Shut up.
Night.
And, uh, when were you first diagnosed with epilepsy? But it's not that bad.
I'm not tonic-clonic or myoclonic, and obviously, the medicine is working.
You certainly seem well-informed and educated about the disease.
Well, it's the only control I've got.
Being well-informed.
Can you, uh, describe your seizures for me? How could I describe them? I can't remember them.
Not even a vague recollection that something happened but you're not sure what? Like a--like a blackout kind of? After it happens-- the seizure-- I am, uh, aware that something has gone down because people are lookin' at me like I'm a 3-breasted alien, you know.
They're aghast or in awe.
Oh, jeez.
Isn't that terribly different, I've noticed? And is there any advanced warning sign that a seizure's coming on? Like light-headedness or blurred vision? Oh, yeah.
I have the little buzzing in my ears and, you know, I have a-- you know, that little taste you get in your mouth.
You know how you know, some people who have strokes, they say they have that, uh what's the taste? Oh, brown sugar? They taste brown sugar? Something like that.
Yeah, that must be really scary.
Terrifying, in fact, when that happens.
Well, yeah.
You know, I--if I'm walking around, I go sit down in a chair, or if I'm driving, obviously, I pull off to the side of the road.
You know, it's kind of like landing a plane in a storm, you know.
You know you have a certain amount of time and so, you gotta get that plane out of the sky and onto the ground.
So, it just, you know-- I don't always make it.
Hum how do you feel about, uh, Russell asking me to see you? Is he a patient of yours? No.
So what's the deal with Kelly? Is he really the father of that baby? Um one thing you'll learn about me really quickly is that you can totally trust me to be completely confidential.
And that goes for you, too, of course.
It doesn't matter who asked me to see you or why.
I'm your doctor, and you're my patient.
So you're not gonna dish the dirt with me about Russell.
No.
Can't do that.
No.
We can talk about why you're so interested in whether he's the father or not.
Well, I met her.
And she came--came barging into the office with vomit all over her shirt, just pissed as hell.
I liked her.
I liked her.
Where you surprised you liked her? You seem sort of He was mean to her.
He was mean to her.
She's just I never even met her and he was mean to her.
I didn't like that.
I didn't--I didn't like that.
Do you have any idea why you are reacting so strongly to his being mean to her in front of you? I took her out and bought her maternity clothes.
Really? Wow, that's--that's very generous.
You always that generous to people you barely know? Yeah.
You are? How come? Makes me feel better.
About what? What does it make you feel better about? Were you mean to somebody or was somebody mean to you? Yeah.
Ok.
You want to talk about it? You know, just 'cause you choose to be generous doesn't mean you haven't been hurt.
In fact, taking care of other people can be a way of avoiding your own pain.
Dauri? Hello? Dauri? Are you with me? Dauri? Hello? Hey.
Dauri.
Dauri.
You were telling me how uncomfortable you got when someone was mean in front of you.
Can you-- Home sweet home.
Yeah.
Can you believe they let me have a lock on the door? I can't believe they let you have half the stuff they let you have.
- So - So So, you'll tell mom where I'm staying? Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
It's Mr.
And Mrs.
Huffstodt.
You wanna shoot some hoops, man? Yeah.
Definitely.
Uh, do you want-- you don't mind? No, no, no.
Go on.
Oh, wait.
Ted.
Ted.
Keys.
You'll need these.
So I'll see you when I see you.
Yeah.
You'll see me when you see me.
>
Has anybody told you how long I have? She asked me if it was ok if she died here.
Oh, man.
My name's Kevin and I'm from Placitas-- Oh.
Fuck off, you idiot.
Are you drunk? I thought you went down there to find your brother.
Honey, we are.
We're looking for Teddy right now.
Jesus, Huff.
I don't know what we did to deserve all this.
You don't deserve any of it.
God just thinks you're strong enough to handle it all.
I didn't fuck your mother.
I made love to your mother.
And, newsflash, she made love to me.
Just shut the fuck up! Those are fabulous.
Thank you.
Did I tell you I'm an epileptic? - No, you didn't.
- I can't go to jail.
Ok.
- Promise.
- I promise.
Teddy, please don't wander away.
You're gonna be back at Woodburn before you know it, ok? Who said anything about Woodburn? I don't want to go back to Woodburn.
He literally begged you to participate in any chance he might have of getting better.
But you were too scared to do that, weren't you? You're frightening me, craig.
Why should I go home with you if you're just gonna lie to me year after year.
No, Ted, I'm not lying, I swear to you.
Teddy, you cannot fly.
Oh, yes, I can.
Teddy! Teddy! Oh, my God, you are so beautiful.
I had no idea how beautiful you would be.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Who cares, man? You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm-- what I'm-- what I'm feeling here.
What I'm feeling here.
You know? It just doesn't stop.
I'm afraid it's gonna stop.
It's your medication.
I told you, you got to eat with this stuff.
You told me you ate.
You lying? Hmm? I myself finally took a solid shit this morning.
Rub it in, why don't you? No, I'm just-- you know, I think my stomach thing is finally clearing up.
Good for you.
It was shaped like a perfect "S.
" What the fuck does that mean? Don't tell me you don't look at your shit.
I know you do.
Everybody looks at their shit.
My shit looks like the la brea tar pits.
Well, you really should have some breakfast.
Come on.
I'm not hungry, I'm depressed.
I tried to fly in Mexico, I break my wrist.
If I landed on you, goofy, I could have killed you.
My life is shit.
My shit, not your shit.
Look at me.
I'm a grown man, and I'm sharing a room with a teenage boy.
Well, we're gonna take care of that.
Paul lined up a bunch of assisted living places for us to look at today.
No.
Oh, unbelievable.
Hello.
Hi, mom.
Gee, you sound so clear it's hard to believe that you're all the way up in the guest house.
Ok, I'll be right there.
Ok, ok, ok.
God.
She's put me back in Woodburn, hasn't she? No, Ted.
I promised you that wouldn't happen.
You cannot take me back there, man.
I'll disintegrate.
That place is a fuckin' gulag.
Why can't I just stay here? You know why, Ted.
No, I don't.
Well, why do you think? 'Cause I strangled mother.
It was 10 year ago, man.
Well, I'm sorry, Ted, but she just hasn't been able to work her way through that one yet.
I'll take my meds.
I'll--I'll eat toast.
I'll shit the whole fuckin' alphabet if you want me to.
I'll talk to her geraniums.
She talks to her geraniums.
Can I get a fuckin' iron? I'll get you an iron, but hurry up and get dressed, ok? I want to check out at least 3 places today.
Hey.
If this is a setup, if you are putting me in a padded van and taking me back to Woodburn, I swear to God I'm gonna kill myself.
Look, you think this is easy for me? It's not, all right? I fuckin' hate this.
All right, yes.
Yes, I would prefer that you stay at Woodburn where it's safe, I know you're taken care of, but you don't want that.
So I promise you it's not going to happen.
Put it in writing.
Put it in writing? Ted, come on.
Fine.
I'll have Russell draw up a contract for you immediately.
Great.
I get to be there though.
Teddy I'm joking, all right? No, I think it's a great idea, and I think we should do it today.
You think we should do it today? You think Russell should draw you up a contract today? It's a little short notice, don't you think? He fucked mom.
He owes you.
Today.
Hey.
Beth.
Beth.
- Come on.
- What? You haven't said 2 words to me since I got back from Mexico.
What am I, the invisible man? I haven't had 2 words to say.
Well, honey, look, I--I can't-- - No.
- No.
I can't deal with this right now, ok? Can we please just let my mother die first? And you handle Teddy so your mother doesn't go Howard Hughes.
I don't need handling.
I need an iron.
We will figure us out later, ok? Ok.
Ok.
I love you.
The iron's above the dryer.
How do you want your eggs, daddy? I don't care.
How does mommy make them for you? She gives me cereal.
Fried? Can't fry cereal, angel.
Your eggs.
Whatever's easiest.
I think any egg's difficult.
It's just that the shell seems to be really problematic.
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
No matter how careful you are, there's always this little speck of shell in there somewhere.
Yeah, and it's like impossible to get it out of the sticky stuff, you know? You thought any more about mother's cremation? Her what? Her cremation.
I think we should do it here in Los Angeles.
Uh, what the hell are you talking about? Um, you're burning the butter, mom.
I think over easy, Bethy.
The eggs, not your grandmother.
Do you think that's funny? Um a bit, yeah.
And you're talking about incinerating her like she's garbage.
Whoa.
Let's back this up a bit.
How can you even talk about this now? She's not even gone yet and you're making jokes.
If your mother can say she wants her ashes dropped from a helicopter on the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, I can make a bad joke about eggs.
She didn't say that.
She's never said that.
She hates Atlantic City.
She loves Atlantic City.
Bullshit.
You love it, that's why she goes.
She hates it.
She has always hated it.
And she's not gonna be cremated just because you say that's what she wants.
We are taking her home to New Jersey and I'm gonna pick out her dress and she's gonna look beautiful.
You make your own goddamn eggs.
Oh, my God.
Quick, get inside.
Get in! What can I do for you, mother? Where is he? - Who's he? - You know who.
Yeah, I know who.
Can you say his name, please? Teddy.
Teddy.
Where--where is he? He's downstairs in Byrd's room getting dressed.
What, you left him alone? Oh, no.
He's tied to the bed.
Byrd's got one of dad's .
357 magnums trained right at his temple.
Don't patronize me.
Your father took all his guns with him years ago.
Right.
You know, mom, I'm starting to think maybe you should be the one who should be strapped to the bed.
Oh, my God.
You know, I'm just gonna-- I'm just going to keep myself situated right here until he leaves.
That's a good plan, mom.
Why don't you drink more while you're at it.
God, I can see right through that bloody mary, mother.
Shh.
How's his arm? It's his right wrist and it's broken in 2 places.
That's the same arm he broke when he was just little.
He was 4 years old, yeah.
And I had to carry him all the way to the hospital.
You know why? 'Cause your father-- heh heh, he sold all the cars the week before.
Oh, my God.
That poor little boy.
Well, that'll knit quickly.
Hey, how long do I have to stay locked up here? Well, Teddy and I were just discussing that, and we decided the rest of your life would be good.
How can you be so insolent in the face of tragedy? Now, I want you to call Woodburn and return him.
He's not a pair of shoes, mom.
I want you to take him back today.
Well, no can do.
We have a meeting with Russell today.
Mmm.
Why? Russell? Yeah, why, you jealous? I'm meeting with Russell because he's drawing up a contract for Teddy and I.
We're establishing the new terms of his assisted living situation.
What term-- what's with-- about mine? My terms? What about 'em? He's not going back to Woodburn, mom.
Oh, yes, he is.
Oh, no, he is not.
You know, I bet that you wish that he had killed me on that linoleum floor 10 years ago in Pasadena.
Hmm? Oh, my God.
I can't believe we had linoleum.
Um bye, mom.
Have a-- have a nice day.
I want to make it very clear that I am only writing checks to Woodburn.
Well, then, they're gonna have to build a new wing called the Izzy, 'cause he ain't going back there.
Ok? In the meantime, you'll have to figure out some other way to ease your conscience besides writing checks.
You have no idea what's in my conscience.
Mom, given what I do now, I imagine it's pretty dark in there.
So, if this is going to work, Teddy has to agree to take his medication.
Only if I get to choose my poison.
No, no, no.
I choose your poison.
Fellas, let's not refer to it as poison.
Ok? What do you say? That doesn't bode so well for any potential civil action that might take place down the road, should things become dicey.
Dicey? - Is that the official legal term? - Yes, it is.
You know, Teddy, Huff's a doctor.
He should have final say in determining your medication.
And Dr.
Huffstodt, you need to take Teddy's feelings into consideration and have other options available, should he have just cause in rejecting your primary recommendation.
F ine.
Ok? Good.
I want Clozaril.
No Clozaril.
No way.
That could kill you.
He's dismissing me.
He cannot dismiss me.
Put that in the contract.
No dismissing me.
Buddy, can that stuff really kill you? Like, dead? - It puts him at risk for agranulocytosis.
- .
.
Cytosis.
Which is a very severe blood disorder.
Detectable early with regular blood tests.
But why risk that? It's a last resort measure.
There are plenty of other therapies to try first.
Teddy, um, I really understand the wish to die.
Trust me, I do.
But avoiding a medication because it has a potentially fatal side effect is not dismissing you.
So, why don't we just say that, you know, for now, you both have veto power over the medication and Huff is vetoing Clozaril.
Fine.
Ok.
What about the living situation? No Woodburn.
Put that in there.
What happened over there, buddy? The, uh, the gym teacher diddle you or something? And I get the-- the v-veto power that he gets with living situations.
Ok, but I have to be comfortable with the supervision.
I want a lock on my door.
Reasonable request? I don't want people barging in.
Fine.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I agree with it.
You should definitely have your own space, as long as you're accounted for every night.
Maybe that means you don't come by so much anymore.
You don't want me to come by so much anymore? No, no, no.
Still come by and all.
Just, uh maybe call first.
A cell phone! I want a cell phone.
Put that in there.
You hear me? You hear me now, Craig? Do you, Craig? You hear me? Yeah, I hear you, Ted.
'Cause sometimes at Woodburn, you would just-- you'd just come by and I didn't want any company at all.
You'd just knock on the door and pull up a chair, like I was supposed to do cartwheels or something because you showed up.
I'm-- I had no idea you felt that way.
Sometimes, I'd be drugged, or tired, or depressed, delusional, suicidal, obsessed, childlike, awkward, ugly, dull, slovenly, unlovable.
You know? Yeah, I know.
It's kinda why I felt compelled to come by and visit.
Half the time, I felt like I was the one who was taking care of you.
Admit it.
You came to dump on me, too.
I mean, sometimes you'd go on and on and on about all your life, and I had nothing to say back to you, because all of my days were exactly the same.
You kinda used me, Craig.
So, maybe you could just call first.
Ok.
She still looks pretty, huh? Beautiful.
Who am I supposed to talk to now? Who's gonna watch television with me? Who's gonna tell me to cut the lawn? You know me, I don't really give a rat's ass about the yard.
Probably never do it.
Well, now, the only reason I protest her death-- I thought you loved that dress, baby.
I love all your dresses, pretty girl.
I-- I'm not gonna-- - What's that, sweetheart? - Mom, what are you saying? I-I'm not gonna wear my panties tonight.
What did she say? She said she's not gonna wear her panties tonight.
Oh, ok.
That's what I-- uh, ok-- thought.
Can we, uh, talk about this later, sweetheart? When my time comes, you put me right next to her.
And-- that would be somewhere over the Taj Mahal in New Jersey, right? That's right.
Why am I so goddamn nervous? You'd think I was being indicted or something, and where the hell are my goddamn Xanax? Here you are, my dear.
Take some of mine.
Yours are white.
Mine are peach.
Yes, but the white are 2 milligrams, whereby the peach are only a half.
So, if I took one of your white, it would be like taking 4 of my peach ones? Um, I don't usually mix arithmetic and Xanax, but trust me.
Take one of the white ones.
They're fantastic.
Thanks.
I just-- I'm not usually this nervous in the middle of the afternoon.
I mean, do you think it's because I fraudulently billed some of my clients, who happened to be government agencies, and that just happens to be a felony? You know, it could have something to do with it, but never fear, because I do have a plan.
Oh, goody.
Jorge Corrales is the name of the D.
A.
who'll be prosecuting your case, and I've invited him over here for a meeting tomorrow to discuss 2 cases that don't have anything to do with you.
What I want you to do is to accidentally just drop by, because I want him to meet you, so that he can experience you as the kind, earnest, and generous person that you actually are.
Why don't I just fuck him? You know, it's never actually a guarantee of anything.
It lacks a certain subtlety.
I'd be happier if you just, you know, splashed a little more of that fabulous scent you've been wearing on, and-- and maybe sport a little bit of tasteful cleavage, and just engage in some benign talky-talk.
How about a blow job? I could just blow him.
It is my experience that it's difficult to establish earnestness with a dick in your mouth.
That is debatable.
Look, trust me.
"Oh, my god, where the fuck is my cell phone? I've lost my cell phone.
" I'll throw a fit.
I'll say, "this is totally inappropriate.
I can't have you two in the same room, and this has to end immediately.
" You might just anyway decide to sit down next to him for about 3 minutes, ok? Afterwards, I will throw a tantrum, insist that you leave, and escort you to the elevator.
I think it's a good idea.
I think it'll get us something.
Ok.
How about if I just put my hand on his leg? Now, that's earnest.
Earnest? What do you mean? Like this.
Well, you know, maybe, um--here.
Maybe--maybe higher.
Higher up, and, you know, kind of squeeze.
Squeeze on certain words for emphasis, right? Firm, not hard.
Gentle, but not weak.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
A statement not a-- not a question.
Yeah.
Intrigue, but not confusion.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I was-- Russell-- What--God, what the hell are you doing here? Damn it.
That asshole fired me.
I am with a client, Kelly.
And I'm with child.
Your child.
I just lost my job, and I need those benefits.
You cannot just come barging in here and dumping your shit all over the place, darling, when I am with an important client.
Hey, come on over here and sit down.
Come on.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Jesus.
Are you--uh, are you two married? - Oh, slow down.
- Oh, God, no.
- Listen, I might have a little situation here, - I guess I made one mistake, - .
.
but married? No.
- .
.
but I'm not about to make 2.
- Husband? Oh, god.
- My wife? No.
Not, no, thank you.
Well, maybe you oughta give it a try.
You make kind of a cute couple.
You think? Absolutely.
I do.
So, how'd you two meet? Um, he buys this, um, flat screen television from me.
And then, he drags me home to his place.
Then gets me all stretched out on booze and ecstasy.
Then he knocks me up.
There.
Dumped your shit instead.
Better? Much.
So, how did you get fired? Oh, I threw up on a 52" plasma.
I can't believe a bombshell like you has legal problems.
Who'd you throw up on? Oh-- You, don't ask.
And you, don't tell.
You're a lesbian? I didn't think Bush made lesbianism illegal yet.
She's not a lesbian.
Well, not since college.
College? Really? It would take a lot of nerve for Bush to take on issues of such global importance like sex, don't you think? Considering he's a bush himself.
I like her.
I like your dress.
Oh, fuck me with a stick.
You know, now that I'm pregnant, I just don't know what to wear.
I should probably go shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Hey, there is a great maternity store up on Cahuenga.
And you know, there is a really good custom bra store out in Pasadena, and when you're pregnant, you should be wearing custom bras.
Oh.
Absolutely.
Hey, hey, Oprah.
Do you want to go shopping, or do you want to stay out of jail? I wanna go shopping.
Oh, thank God you got here.
He was driving me crazy.
What kind of trouble are you in, anyway? Oh, taxpayer theft and about 500 million counts of wire fraud.
- No big deal.
- It's a felony! I know what you're thinking.
I am not cock-blocking you.
You're not even in her league.
You don't know what league I play in.
You play in my league, fatso.
I played one fucking game in your league.
In addition to basketball and tennis, we have bingo on wednesdays, chess and checkers on thursdays, and on the last friday of every month, we take a group trip to the municipal swimming pool.
This is a nice room.
You're looking at the crown jewel of Pine Bluff.
It's Popeil's Pocket Fisherman.
So small, it fits in your glove compartment.
- The television? - The residents love it.
It's a big TV.
The area has, more or less, evolved into a kind of watering hole for the residents.
Like wildebeests.
That's a 50" plasma with a high-def box and the couches are super comfy.
Why are all the wildebeests still in their pajamies? Pine Bluff residents are free to wear whatever they want.
They look really fuckin' liberated to me.
Ted, Ted.
Wish I could wear my pajamas all day.
Really? Do you? You wish you had no reason to get up and get dressed? You wish your life was that pointless? Ted? I don't think that's what she meant.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go over there and talk to these narcoleptic wildebeests.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
He's been very agitated lately.
Please, there is no need to apologize.
Uh, my guess is, we'll put him on Zyprexa.
We actually had him on Zyprexa for a while, and he hated it.
He gained a ton of weight.
Don't worry.
If he's admitted here, our doctors will put him through a full evaluation.
Actually, I'm a psychiatrist, and I'd like to be the one prescribing his meds.
Oh.
Well, normally we insist on dictating the treatments, but since you are a doctor, I'm sure we can work something out.
Good.
I got a 2-pound pike with a Pocket Fisherman! Hey.
I'm Angelina Jolie.
Do you wanna fuck? Hey.
Huh? How long you been here, man? Several hours.
No, I mean in the building.
You new? No, not yet.
So, listen, what's the deal here? This elf chick Stacey is pitching thisn place like it's el dorado or something.
She's from Oklahoma, which is connected to several other states.
Wow.
What's scary is, you're not wrong.
I like your haircut.
Would you shave my head, too? Yeah, buddy.
I'll shave your head.
You gotta go to Mexico, though, to do it.
That's ok.
Think that's on the third floor.
Yeah.
All righty, then.
You ever seen a TV so big? It's the crown jewel.
It's under $30, and it makes a great gift.
O heavenly Father, for the strength that you've given me, I thank you.
For the health that you've blessed me with, I thank you, Lord.
And for this woman, Lord, who's being overcome with cancer, I ask, Father, that you strengthen and heal her as you see fit.
Father, giver of life and health, relieve and comfort your sick servant Madeline.
Lord, I praise you because you made this body, and only you can heal it.
So, Father, I come to you, thanking you already because it's been done, in Jesus' name, I pray.
Glory, glory, glory.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you, Father.
- Thank you-- - Your hands.
Hello, Madeline.
They're so warm.
- There's heat-- - Yes.
Real heat.
Hey.
Hey.
Paul and Ira.
We were talking to Jesus.
I see that.
How is geometry class, honey? Still scary? No.
No, mommy.
Geometry was ok.
Oh, that's good, sweetheart.
Freakin' whore! Teddy, she wasn't that bad.
She has already forgotten my name, and you fucking know it.
Bitch should spritz perfume at people at Bloomingdale's.
She was vacant, man.
Did you see her eyes? There was nothing behind them.
And that guy I talked to thought Mexico was on the third fucking floor.
I hate this fucking place.
Oh, Teddy, Teddy.
Jesus! Teddy.
What the fuck are you doing? Are you kidding me? Nobody wants to know a guy who lives in a fucking home.
If I saw me coming out of here, I wouldn't want to talk to me.
All right, all right.
Just calm down, all right? Just take it easy.
Jesus Christ.
You know, this place actually has a lot to offer, you know? What? Like horse tranquilizers? You heard her.
Like, uh, uh, live music and basketball and tennis-- This is just-- it's all therapy, man.
And nothing can just be what it is.
It all has a point to it.
I wanna hear music, and have it just be music, you know? Ted, you know, anyplace you go is gonna have some kind of treatment.
You know that, right? If you lock me up with these fucking pod people, I swear to god, I will swallow my tongue.
All right.
So, I take that to mean that you're vetoing Pine Bluff.
Is that correct? You mean, I actually get veto power? Well, that's what's in the contract, right? Let's just get out of here, please, before they lock us both up.
Cuckoo's nest.
All this place needs is a retarded indian on the porch rolling fucking cigars.
It's not funny.
It actually is kinda funny.
Take my wedding ring off my hand.
What, mom? Your ring? My wedding ring.
Take it off my finger.
- Why, mom-- - Just do it.
I want you to have it.
Mom, why are you giving this to me? Shouldn't-- shouldn't this go to daddy? So he can give it to some 30-year-old golf course beer bimbo? This shiny, complicated little diamond took your father years to pay for when we were young.
Took thousands of years to form in the ground.
It reminds me to embrace every precious moment for all of you.
I'm blessed.
That's why I want you to have it.
I don't want you to miss your life.
Your Byrd.
Your Huff.
Your you.
Hey, Byrdy.
You asleep? Not even close.
Me neither.
I get like this sometimes.
You think it's because you're a-- you know, because you're Oh, Jesus Christ, Byrdy.
Just come on and stop tippy-toeing around it.
You wanna know if I'm awake 'cause I'm insane, right? Yeah, right.
You're awake.
You insane? Good point.
Uncle Teddy? Yes, nephew Byrd? When did you first know? I was about 20.
I had this friend.
He had no chin.
Looked like an old woman.
And he was dating this girl.
And she was the daughter of this big record company guy, and they had this house up in Benedict Canyon.
Somehow, I found myself on the roof of that house.
Bare feet, my toes just hanging off the edge.
Were you going to kill yourself? Hell, no, Byrdy.
That didn't come till much, much later.
This was so sweet.
I was at the tops of the trees, the top of Los Angeles, and I was looking down at this hawk that was flying around, and he was looking up at me, like, "holy shit, I better climb up, there's this thing looking down at me and it doesn't have any wings.
" See, he couldn't see my wings.
I was looking down at Santa Monica and Westwood and Hollywood, and all the way down to L.
A.
's weird little downtown.
It looked like a toy city carved into a fake landscape and I knew why everybody lived in every part of town because Los Angeles-- it plugged itself into me and it told me everything.
That sounds really nice.
Yeah, it was.
Till they saw me up on the roof, and they start flipping out.
Well, did you tell them what happened? I told them I was taking a leak.
They called me "Teddy of the tree tops.
" I knew it was way too big for them.
I knew they'd never get it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm selling the house.
- What? - It's too big for me.
Not to mention, the market is boffo right now.
Not like L.
A.
, but it's hot.
You've had that house my whole life! It's too big and teaneck's too cold.
Your mother and I always talked about Hilton Head.
Great golf, great tennis.
You know where else? Murrells Inlet.
Got these still, glassy waterways.
It's beautiful.
I think she loved that place more than Atlantic City.
She wants her ashes scattered over the boardwalk in New Jersey, Beth.
This one isn't open for discussion.
Mickey Spillane lives at Murrells.
You know, the Mike Hammer books.
I can't play tennis in Murrells Inlet.
We're going to Hilton Head.
Honey, honey, you should be in bed.
You're gonna fall do--what is all this blood on your hands? Here, give me your arm, I'll take you back.
Uh, Beth, honey, get a clean towel and some peroxide.
Now, come on, honey, back to bed.
I'm serious, Jim! Murrells Inlet is so boring for me, and a funny thing happened to me while I was in there dying.
What's that, sweetheart? I'm never doing anything boring again.
I'm never doing anything boring again.
Then Hilton Head it is.
Lots of golf.
And no more golf carts.
We're walking the entire 18 holes.
Beth! I said your mother's bleeding, get me a clean towel.
Hey.
She walked into the kitchen! - Who did? - Mom! Well, she's probably just foraging for vodka.
No, no, not your mom, my mom.
She just walked right into the kitchen by herself.
You're kidding me! How? I don't understand any of it.
Well, you want me to come home? I can be home in, like, half an hour.
No, no, it's ok.
I'm taking her to Dr.
Berman's in, like, 5 minutes.
I think I pulled him out of surgery or something.
This is just scaring the shit out of me.
I thought-- I thought she was going to die today.
I just woke up with that feeling, like-- like I knew.
Oh, I gotta go.
I will call you after.
All right, sweetie.
I'll talk to you later.
Ted.
Teddy! It's up this way.
Don't freakin' walk off on me.
You scared the beejeezus out of me.
When's meal time around here? Uh, when you're hungry.
Tenants cook for themselves.
Well, that's pretty cool, Craig.
They also do their own laundry, brush their own teeth.
Where do you stand on facility-sanctioned group activities? Uh, I think they're a condescending, soul-crushing waste of time.
So do I.
Soul-crushing is a little extreme, don't you think? No, I don't.
So, this is our only empty room.
Hey, Max.
Max, this is Craig and Teddy Huffstodt.
Hey.
Good for you two.
I'm a Bush man myself, but he's wayff on the gay marriage thing.
We're brothers, man.
Sorry.
You looked like lovers.
Really? Uh, Max, would you mind showing Teddy around? My pleasure.
You like noodles, Theodoros? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
I like noodles.
Good, 'cause I got a shitload.
Um, so it's pretty bare bones.
Yeah.
Just had the floor redone.
It's pretty nice.
Well, it's supposed to be so he can make it his own.
Yeah, it's pretty unorthodox.
Dr.
Huffstodt, don't mistake me for some idealistic, A.
C.
L.
U, bleeding heart dimwit.
I've done my time in state hospitals.
It broke my heart.
I've also done time in places like Woodburn.
Same shit, nicer rooms.
You know? You stifle your patients, and what do they do? They lie.
They do and say whatever they think will get you off their backs.
Yeah, that's the challenge we face, isn't it? Getting at the truth.
This is just my way of doing that.
Yeah, I just-- I have to know my brother is safe, you know? Does he know you're safe? Living a life is not safe.
Yeah.
But I don't have schizophrenia.
And I'm over-simplifying.
We do give a lot of attitude here, and occasionally, our tenants do stumble, but many also leave here able to live on their own and willing to manage their disease.
This is 2 weeks ago, and this is 20 minutes ago.
The tumor's shrinking.
What does this mean? Shrinking means getting smaller, sweetheart.
Oh, I know that, daddy.
Testy.
I don't die and she gets testy.
Well, why is this happening, and how? I mean, she's--she's not on chemo.
Spontaneous remission is about the best answer I can give.
Well, will it come back? It's a possibility.
When? Honey, we've had this conversation, remember? You're being so flip! Don't you want to know? Know what? How long I'm going to live? Nobody can tell me that.
All I know right now is I'm further away from Atlantic City than I was yesterday.
And that's enough for me.
Is that good enough for you, Beth? Sure.
Yeah.
I mean, of course.
Absolutely.
So who's this Isabel? Are you banging her? It's my mom! Oh, man.
Tagging your mom? God! No! It's a long story.
What about your mother? She weighs in at about 300 pounds, but if you want a shot, it's fine by me.
No.
That's not what I meant.
So where's the, uh, TV room? Fuck that brain box.
Ok.
Where does everyone sit? The chair, the couch, the beach.
Wherever.
I mean, are there assigned seats? It's not an airplane.
But, things pick up when everyone gets home, so if you're into sitting or whatever, I'm sure you can form some kind of evening sitting group.
What do you mean, when everyone gets home? Home from wherever the hell they go.
You sign out in the morning and then you sign back in at night.
The day is yours.
You can go to the beach, shoot hoops, dig through a trashcan.
That'll fill your day out right.
What time is it? I'm gonna go see if I can find some dolphins.
Hope you enjoyed the tour.
Late.
I can't make any promises, Russell, you know that.
Thank you so much, Magdalena.
Please, no disturbances while I'm with Mr.
Corrales.
Certainly.
Not after a promise, just a little friendly feedback.
She seeing anybody? Who, Maggie? She is not, I don't think.
Why? So you're shopping for a judge.
Yes, I am.
Look, I got this--I got this little old lady, all right? She lost her retirement account.
Company she worked for fucked up their pension plan.
She panicked.
Right.
Jorge, if I get judge peal, he's gonna cut her poor fuckin' heart out.
He is.
But, if I walk in there and I see somebody like McPherson, I'm gonna know she's gonna get her story told.
McPherson is not gonna confuse some destitute, nervous old lady with Michael fucking Milken, you know what I'm saying? And besides, it's pro-bono, so don't make me look bad.
Anyway, you know what I mean.
Maggie would be very happy if she-- I'm so sorry, Mr.
Tupper.
I tried to explain, but-- I'm sorry, I just-- I think I left my cell phone over here.
It has all my numbers in it, Russell.
No, no, no.
Darling, I'm sorry-- So sorry to interrupt your meeting-- Check the cushions in my couch immediately.
Yes, uh, Dauri Rathburn, Jorge Corrales.
And you two actually may not meet right now.
You cannot meet.
I'm sorry.
Senor Corrales.
Yeah, senor Corrales is actually the assistant district attorney prosecuting your case, so it's highly inappropriate for you to even be in the same room.
- Excuse me.
- No, I'm serious.
I am so glad to meet you because there's been a terrible misunderstanding about this whole thing.
- Mrs.
Rathburn, I-- - Yes? I tend to agree.
I've gone over so many of your files and I don't understand how you get so much done.
I have a wonderful assistant.
I'll bet you do.
Ok, that's enough of that! Um, Mrs.
Rathburn, I really do need to escort you to the elevator.
The point is that this is entirely inappropriate.
The point is that your client is regularly inflating her billable hours and she's doing it in her own handwriting.
See, I've got the files right here.
I've got hundreds more back at the office.
August 4th.
The originals, the ones you filed.
L.
A.
X.
became 11 billable hours from 6.
D.
W.
P.
went from 4 to 7.
Lacma, 6 becomes 9.
Hey, this was an accident! Before she even took a nap, Russell, it's a 27-hour day.
I'm not remotely interested, all right? We got discovery next week.
I don't know why you're doing this.
You open this up.
- Why don't you cut me a break? - You need to know this.
This is a mistake! This is your game, I'm just playing.
Get out of the car.
Get out of the car.
Get out of the car.
Excuse me? Get out of the car.
Who's she talking to? Get out of the car.
- Get out of the car.
- Somebody in a car.
There's no car in the conference room.
Get out of the car.
- Um, clearly my client-- - Get out of the car.
.
.
is overworked, and upset, most likely due to your aggressive and unprofessional behavior.
Blow me.
I'll make it go away.
Russ, I'm not testifying for or against anybody.
Fuck, no.
I've got matchbook grads for that shit.
I just want you to check her out.
I want to know, frankly, is she--is she really nuts, or just sick? I mean, is it only epilepsy? I mean, don't you people have, you know, special shit for that? Doesn't she have her own doctor? Yeah, but she won't see him.
You know, sexual boundary problem or something like that.
For some reason, she said she'd see you.
Ok, fine, but I'm serious.
I'm not gonna be dragged into court, ok? You're not turning me into ambulance-chasing consultant puppet freak.
Promise.
I promise.
All right, so, uh, I start seeing patients at 9:00 tomorrow, so have her come by the office at, like, 8:00.
Buddy, thank you.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Very good.
So, I decided to go to the Venice establishment.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Let's, um ha--let's have a seat.
Come on.
What? I'm just not comfortable with that place, Teddy.
I'm sorry, but it just-- the idea of you and Max running around Venice Beach all day eating noodles-- No, no, no.
It's a good place, man.
I know you like it, and I'm really sorry, but I just have too many reservations.
Ted, for your own protection, I gotta veto it.
You are trying to control me.
Just like mother.
Our whole deal is bullshit.
- That's not true.
- I trusted you! - Teddy-- - You're--you're a fucking liar, Craig.
Ted.
Shit! Byrd! - Byrd! - What? Where's Teddy? He's right there, dad.
No, he's not.
Oh, shit.
When'd he leave? That's what I'm asking you.
I was taking a leak.
Oh, Jesus, Ted.
What are you doing up? I couldn't sleep.
Can I talk to you for a second? Come here.
Come outside.
Sorry to wake you, Byrd.
Teddy, I am not a liar.
Ok? I am just scared shitless of that place.
I could not survive losing you.
Not you.
You're losing me now.
I'm losing me.
I cannot stay locked up in a box, Craig, for other people's peace of mind.
I just want you to be safe, Ted.
I just want me to be happy.
Um, all right.
Ok.
Let's give the Venice home a shot.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
If anything happens to you, I'll just ask Byrd to shoot me in the head.
He probably won't put up too much of an argument.
Shut up.
Night.
And, uh, when were you first diagnosed with epilepsy? But it's not that bad.
I'm not tonic-clonic or myoclonic, and obviously, the medicine is working.
You certainly seem well-informed and educated about the disease.
Well, it's the only control I've got.
Being well-informed.
Can you, uh, describe your seizures for me? How could I describe them? I can't remember them.
Not even a vague recollection that something happened but you're not sure what? Like a--like a blackout kind of? After it happens-- the seizure-- I am, uh, aware that something has gone down because people are lookin' at me like I'm a 3-breasted alien, you know.
They're aghast or in awe.
Oh, jeez.
Isn't that terribly different, I've noticed? And is there any advanced warning sign that a seizure's coming on? Like light-headedness or blurred vision? Oh, yeah.
I have the little buzzing in my ears and, you know, I have a-- you know, that little taste you get in your mouth.
You know how you know, some people who have strokes, they say they have that, uh what's the taste? Oh, brown sugar? They taste brown sugar? Something like that.
Yeah, that must be really scary.
Terrifying, in fact, when that happens.
Well, yeah.
You know, I--if I'm walking around, I go sit down in a chair, or if I'm driving, obviously, I pull off to the side of the road.
You know, it's kind of like landing a plane in a storm, you know.
You know you have a certain amount of time and so, you gotta get that plane out of the sky and onto the ground.
So, it just, you know-- I don't always make it.
Hum how do you feel about, uh, Russell asking me to see you? Is he a patient of yours? No.
So what's the deal with Kelly? Is he really the father of that baby? Um one thing you'll learn about me really quickly is that you can totally trust me to be completely confidential.
And that goes for you, too, of course.
It doesn't matter who asked me to see you or why.
I'm your doctor, and you're my patient.
So you're not gonna dish the dirt with me about Russell.
No.
Can't do that.
No.
We can talk about why you're so interested in whether he's the father or not.
Well, I met her.
And she came--came barging into the office with vomit all over her shirt, just pissed as hell.
I liked her.
I liked her.
Where you surprised you liked her? You seem sort of He was mean to her.
He was mean to her.
She's just I never even met her and he was mean to her.
I didn't like that.
I didn't--I didn't like that.
Do you have any idea why you are reacting so strongly to his being mean to her in front of you? I took her out and bought her maternity clothes.
Really? Wow, that's--that's very generous.
You always that generous to people you barely know? Yeah.
You are? How come? Makes me feel better.
About what? What does it make you feel better about? Were you mean to somebody or was somebody mean to you? Yeah.
Ok.
You want to talk about it? You know, just 'cause you choose to be generous doesn't mean you haven't been hurt.
In fact, taking care of other people can be a way of avoiding your own pain.
Dauri? Hello? Dauri? Are you with me? Dauri? Hello? Hey.
Dauri.
Dauri.
You were telling me how uncomfortable you got when someone was mean in front of you.
Can you-- Home sweet home.
Yeah.
Can you believe they let me have a lock on the door? I can't believe they let you have half the stuff they let you have.
- So - So So, you'll tell mom where I'm staying? Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
It's Mr.
And Mrs.
Huffstodt.
You wanna shoot some hoops, man? Yeah.
Definitely.
Uh, do you want-- you don't mind? No, no, no.
Go on.
Oh, wait.
Ted.
Ted.
Keys.
You'll need these.
So I'll see you when I see you.
Yeah.
You'll see me when you see me.
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