Human Resources (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[tense music playing]
[groaning]
[moaning]
- [Dante's dick screams]
- [grunts]
[screams]
[panting]
Oh, thank God.
It was just a nightmare. [sighs]
[sighs]
It's okay. Dante's penis
can't hurt you anymore.
It's lying dead in the trash can,
just where you left it. [gasps]
Oh, shit.
[gasps, pants]
No, no, no. It's not possible.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation
for the broken glass.
Maybe a a local pervert.
- [snarls]
- [screams, pants]
But I toilet-murdered you!
[shrieks]
[Pete screams]
Oh, these are my paper-cutting scissors,
but desperate times
[shrieks]
Oh! Why won't you stay dead?
- [grunts]
- I wish I didn't have to do this.
I actually don't enjoy mangling penises,
and the viewers at home
don't like watching it.
It's upsetting even when it's a cartoon.
Even. When. It's. A. Car. Toon.
[breathing heavily]
FYI, I'm now gonna cut this penis
into tiny pieces
[pants]
and then microwave those pieces.
So unless you wanna watch all that,
you better hope
they cut to the main titles very s
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- [panting] Come on. Faster!
- Whoa! [grunts]
- Hey. Move it, assholes.
- Excuse us.
Don't you know what day it is, huh?
It's Free Bagel Friday.
Oh, dear God, please still let there be
everything bagels left.
They're not just everything.
[both] They're the only thing!
Sorry, boys. I got the last everything.
- Damn it.
- Oh, but help yourself to plain.
Choke on a bag of shit, Tyler.
Ooh, don't tease me, Gilly.
Oh! Uh-uh. I'm up.
[clears throat] I'm up. Hi.
Um, Emmy, why are you sleeping
in the break room?
Oh, I have crabs.
- Whoa! Hey, now.
- Uh-uh. Get away.
No, no, no, in my apartment.
I can't sleep there.
It's absolutely infested.
[gasps] An everything.
And I there's no way
I can afford an exterminator.
I don't even have a bank account.
Where the fuck
did you get that everything bagel?
This? I was here
when they dropped 'em off.
Anyway, let me know if you hear
of a cheap-as-hell exterminator.
- Uh, uh, Joe and I could handle it.
- You could?
- We could?
- Emmy, exterminators are a scam.
- Any idiot with the equipment can do it.
- What are you doing, Gil?
- Just follow my fucking lead, Joe.
- If you say so.
Sharon's brother is an exterminator,
and that guy is a dumbass.
I I'm sure he won't notice
if I borrow his gear for a few hours.
You would really do this? For free?
Uh, you know, basically free.
We'll handle your crabs problem
in exchange for that everything bagel.
- Oh.
- Uh, okay, you got a deal.
Exterminate the crabs,
then you get the bagel.
Oh-ho-ho, Emmy, we'll have those crabs
out of your apartment in no time.
Hoo! Just talking about Emmy's crabs
is making me hungry for that bagel.
Paul Krummhorn.
It's been a hell of a year, huh?
Evelyn, his wife of nearly 40 years,
is gone.
- [sobbing]
- [Keith] But we did some great grieving.
We cried, we ate some good lasagnas,
and we even spent all of October
in our bathrobes.
And now it's time to move forward.
Exactly. Gimme that.
And that's why Paul and I have decided
to take the annual trip
to Santa Fe. [laughs]
- Yes!
- Oh.
You're still taking the couples' trip?
Just Paul, Dave, and Kathy?
Well, we could bring Evelyn,
but we'd need to get a shovel
[chuckles] wouldn't we, hey?
- Don't go. This trip is a huge mistake.
- No, it's not.
Everything will remind him
of his dead wife and how she's dead.
But perhaps misery is what Paul deserves,
ay, for outliving his wife.
No. It's gonna make him happy.
He'll celebrate his love for Evelyn.
Aww, look at her,
with her wild hair, her big, loud laugh,
her obsession
with kissing dogs on the mouth.
Walter, are you okay?
Yes, and so is Paul.
He's goin' on the trip,
and I already have an outfit picked out.
I suppose I could purchase a bolo tie.
And I should get sunscreen
so I don't get skin cancer,
like you-know-who.
No! You two Dixie cups full of dog shit
aren't invited.
- Oh!
- No shame, no anxiety, just love.
This dead-wife trip
is gonna be fun, goddamn it. [grunts]
Oh, looks like he took the clicker.
Oh, you're not stealing my money today,
you greedy little pop pig.
I need my soda now.
Damn right. [guzzles]
Holy moly, Rochelle's even more gorgeous
as a hate worm.
[sighs]
- Okay, here goes.
- [snarls]
- [grunts]
- [shrieks]
- Again? Why won't you die?!
- [shrieks]
[hard rock music playing]
- Tell me, dick ♪
- Ah!
- Tell me, dick ♪
- [grunting]
Tell me, dick ♪
Hey, what's up, Pete? [groans]
Why you won't die ♪
Die, die ♪
- Die ♪
- [screams]
Die! ♪
Tell me, dick, why won't you die ♪
Die ♪
Tell me, dick, why won't you die ♪
I, uh, know what you're thinking.
Uh, "Becca's young."
"Shouldn't the investments
in her 401(k) be aggressive?"
[shrieks]
- [Emmy] What the fuck?
- Holy fucking shit!
[grunts] Yes, she has
What the fuck is going on?
time to weather
the volatility of the markets,
but with a new baby,
there's a greater need
for a conservative rebalancing
- [screams]
- Goddamn!
of her portfolio.
Uh
Meeting adjourned?
Thanks, asshole. You got chode guts
all over my favorite fucking water bottle.
Hey, Petey Pete.
You wanna talk about what's up?
What's up is that I'm being stalked
by Dante's zombie penis.
[Connie] Mm-hmm.
I can't so much as say,
"Hey, Rochelle, how about Mondays?"
without it trying to kill me.
Now, we've all been haunted by a D before,
but in the office?
It's unprofessional.
It's bothering people.
Oh, well, I'm so sorry that my living hell
is bothering people.
[sighs]
But that goddamn evil dick won't die.
Oh, yup, yeah, I see it twitching.
It's jerking back to life.
What do I do?
It seems to me what you need is
the Dick Whisperer.
Great! Dick Whisperer!
Uh, do you have, like, his email address?
You can find him up yonder,
up on that roof.
[guitar strumming]
So I I just need to go up
- Up yonder, exactly.
- Ah.
So stop your pondering
and get to yondering.
Oh, and can you wipe the dong blood
off the table?
This whole room
smells like chicken ceviche.
Why do I have to wear this stuff?
It belongs to your brother-in-law.
Because, Joe, I'm the brains,
and you're the bug murderer, okay?
- That's always been our dynamic.
- I guess.
Good. Now, let's send these crabs
back to hell.
[grunting]
Holy shit, Emmy's crabs are huge.
Uh, I don't think this spray
is gonna do anything.
Let's just pump and dump, Joe, all right?
Get some balls together.
Uh, okay. Uh, excuse me, everyone?
Time to make your peace with God.
- [crab chitters]
- Oh, it's broken. Did you test it?
- It's not broken. Just squeeze the thing.
- [chitters]
Of course we primed the nozzle.
You primed the nozzle, right, Joe?
[chitters]
Wow, actually,
a little demo would be great.
No, Joe, don't!
- [shrieks]
- [grunting]
- Oh God, it went in my mouth.
- Me too. It's making my gum taste weird.
- [chitters]
- No, no, no, no, no, wait! Damn it, Joe.
Okay, I think maybe
we're out of our depth here.
Wrong. We just need
to adjust our strategy.
But lucky for you,
the brains, me, has a new plan.
- Is it dangerous?
- Not for me, no.
But think of that bottom half of the bagel
you're gonna get when this is all done.
Okay, but wait, the bottom half
of an everything bagel
is just a plain bagel.
Nah, nah, both halves are the same.
And And who cares which you get?
Honestly, I'm jealous you get the bottom.
- You wanna switch?
- No.
- [thud]
- [groans]
Oh, this hat is so big. I feel ridiculous.
Paul? Evelyn got you that hat.
She said it made you look
like Daniel Stern from City Slickers,
a movie I will never see.
Oh, look at me. What a dope.
I booked the middle seat.
Why do you do stuff like this, Paul?
Aw, you did it out of habit.
Evelyn always took the aisle
because she loved to hydrate.
[sighing] Oh, yeah, and she had
such a small, delicate bladder.
- Paul, this trip was a terrible idea.
- [gasps]
You're not ready to travel
without Evelyn.
Oh, God.
Who's gonna watch your bag
when you have to poop at the airport?
I'm gonna have to bring it into the stall
with all the fecal particles.
No, no, no,
you're gonna have a wonderful trip.
- Indeed, Paul.
- [gasps]
It's fun being alive, isn't it?
I'd ask sweet Evelyn, but her phone's
going straight to voicemail.
- Goddamn it, Lionel.
- 'Cause she's dead.
Oh, God, what am I doing
taking this vacation?
- I told you assholes not to come.
- [grunts]
No, the Mosquito and the Wizard are right.
I can't do this. I I'm I'm sorry.
Paul, look at me.
What the fuck are you doing?
No, this trip, it's a bad idea.
I shouldn't go.
- I have so much to do at home.
- Paul, sit down.
What if the basement floods again?
Or what if an owl gets into my attic?
- What if?
- Sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
Let's just remember why we're going.
- [chuckles]
- Look at her. She loved the Southwest.
Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right.
Evelyn would've wanted me
to do this alone, right?
Ugh, she sure would have.
Well, I think she would've wanted
her dermatologist
to be a little more on the ball,
but we can't ask her, can we? Boop!
[Pete] Uh, hello?
Mr. Whisperer?
I'm here about murdering a dick.
- [penises chitter]
- Easy, Pete.
Ixnay on the pecker slaughter.
Maury? You're the Dick Whisperer?
Why didn't Connie tell me it was you?
'Cause I'm not supposed
to have these up here.
Oh, hey, settle down, fellas.
It's all right.
He's our guest. You're safe.
I need your help.
Dante's severed, um [whispering] penis
Thank you for whispering that part.
It keeps coming back to life.
And I was told that
you could help me kill it for good.
- Kill it?
- Yeah.
So, uh, what's the trick? Fire? Ice?
A very thin grenade
you jam in the peehole?
I have bad news for you, Pete.
You can't kill a zombie penis.
You've got to tame it.
Form a bond with it.
Love it like a daddy.
[stammers] I don't wanna love it
like a daddy.
I wanna strap it to a rocket
and shoot it into the sun.
That ain't gonna work, hoss.
These were all angry severed penises once.
When I found this little sweetie,
he was completely feral.
Foaming at the peehole,
chomping wildly at my nuts.
- But it seems like it loves you.
- Well, now he does.
Because I bared my soul to him
and confessed my innermost secrets.
Here. Observe as I become vulnerable.
Oh, my little friend, I must confess,
Connie thinks that we both
fuck other people, but I don't.
My body is hers, and hers alone. Mwah.
- Hmm.
- Are you ready to do that, Pete?
Bare your soul
and then kiss the tip of Dante's penis?
No, I have nothing to confess
to that zombie dick,
and I'm certainly not gonna kiss it.
- [snarls]
- [Maury] Oh!
- [screams]
- Now Now's your chance, Pete!
Speak your truth,
purse your lips. [kisses]
You want honesty? I did nothing wrong.
I was saving Dante's life.
I had to cut you off.
The statue was too heavy to lift.
[grunts]
I don't know, Pete. Seems like
you can lift stuff when you want to.
- And I'm very attracted to you right now.
- [panting]
Uh, I don't know about this, Gil.
Trust me, sweetheart. It's genius.
You'll go deep undercover
with the crabs, okay?
And then, when the time is right,
we take them down from the inside.
And when you say "the time is right"
- It could be a week. Maybe months.
- Months?
Just remember, whenever that day comes,
that bottom half of a bagel
will be waiting for you.
Showtime, baby.
Whoa! [grunts]
W-What's up, fellas?
- You guys talking about pubes?
- [chitters]
Because, me, I freaking love 'em.
I love eating them,
or maybe living in them.
- [all shriek]
- [Joe screams]
No, no, no! Oh, no, please don't kill me!
I didn't wanna do this.
I told Gil it was a bad idea,
but he didn't listen to me.
[chitters]
Oh, Gil? He He's my best friend.
[chitters]
Yeah, you're right.
Friends are supposed to listen
to each other.
And all this for a half a lousy bagel.
[chitters]
Wait, you have homemade everything bagels?
[chuckles] Yes, please.
- [chitters]
- Mmm.
- Oh, delicious. And the chewy bits?
- [chitters]
You know, I'm not a big dried-blood guy,
but with the pubic dander
I don't know,
it unlocks something. I love it.
[cheering]
[sad music playing]
Ah, shoot. My sunscreen exploded.
I should've packed it in a plastic baggie.
Who cares? We're on vacation.
Ooh!
There's Kathy and Dave.
Hi, guys. My sunscreen blew up.
Oh, Paul, it's good to see you.
- This rain is something else, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, rain in the desert.
I bet the plants are excited. [chuckles]
Anyway, we should probably rain-check
our horseback ride tonight.
Cancel the sunset ride?
But it's a tradition.
And we were thinking we could try
that new bourbon distillery instead.
Yeah, okay.
I guess that could maybe be fun.
Paul, baby, you and Evelyn
always start this trip with a trail ride.
Yeah. Right, right. But this weather
Paul, the memories. Think of Evelyn.
Come on, slowpoke.
[sighs]
Hey, guys, I, uh
I I think we should still go riding.
I don't wanna go riding.
[in low voice] We have to.
His wife is dead.
Sure. You got it, Paul.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna go take some photos
of my hotel room on my on my iPad.
And I'm gonna go do stuff with the towels
that I would never do at home.
[pecking on statue]
[scoffs]
[Pete sighs]
I mean, there's really no point.
[straining]
[grunts, exhales]
See? Can't lift it.
Okay, just a few dynamic stretches.
[grunting]
[straining]
[grunts]
[pants]
Oh, fuck.
No wonder that zombie penis
wants to kill me.
I could have saved it.
[thunderclap]
I mean, you can't even see the sunset.
Dave, this is important for him.
Look at what
you're putting your friends through, Paul.
- Ow!
- It's an adventure.
You and Evelyn loved adventures, right?
We did. But you know, I'm pretty cold.
Maybe we should turn back?
Or maybe you should just lay down and die!
If the cold doesn't get you,
the wolves will.
Hey, Mr. Apples.
- Do horses, uh, fight wolves?
- [snorts]
[yelps]
Hang in there, Paul.
We're almost at the vista.
Remember the vista?
I don't see the vista, Walter.
I'm gonna show you the vista, honey.
[Tito] Oh God, that flickering.
- It's making me nauseous.
- We're gonna freaking blow.
Watch out ahead, Paul.
Trail gets pretty muddy.
- Oh!
- [neighs]
Shoot. Here we go!
Oh, Paul!
- Ow!
- God, are you okay?
- I'm all right.
- Stop. Paul had an accident.
Uh, just some mud. Yeah.
And I sat in a cactus.
Oh, a couple of cactuses.
Uh, I think it's "cacti."
[chuckling] The only thing
that makes this dead-wife trip more fun
is knowing we're on stolen lands.
- [laughs]
- [sighs]
Oh, God. Oh, shit.
I hope his head's still intact.
Hey, there you are.
Jesus, I was getting worried.
Oh, really?
Worried I wouldn't, you know,
do all the work and get you a bagel?
What are you talking about?
This is all for us.
- [scoffs] Yeah, right.
- O-O-Okay, so how's it going, huh?
Have you sowed discord?
Fractured their ranks?
Tell me you've at least
fractured their ranks!
- Oh, yeah, they're divided.
- Go on.
Okay, so half the crabs think
what the living room needs is an area rug.
Okay?
But the rest of us,
we think it could really use a chair.
- "We"?
- Maybe a papasan made of pubes.
What are you talking about?
We really think a statement chair would
Uh, how to say [chitters]
Joe, wake up! You're not a crab.
You're supposed to be taking them down
from the inside!
- They're our enemy.
- Sure, but I got to know them, and
[chittering]
and that "enemy" gave me a bagel.
And it was the good half,
with all the blood and pubic dander on it.
So, yeah, they listen, unlike you.
- All right.
- You should listen to your friend.
- Uh, I'm listening to you now, okay?
- Really?
Yeah. O-Of course.
This, what we've got,
it's more important
than some stupid bagel.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Get in here, you fuck.
Oh!
- [chittering]
- You know, it's funny.
I guess I had to go make
some "pest" friends
to learn what I needed
from my "best" friend.
[chittering]
[inaudible]
[sighs]
[Dante's dick screams]
Okay.
Come and get me, zombie penis.
[screams]
[grunts]
It's time you and I had a talk.
So, you feeling all right?
Oh, just a sore ego.
And a sore tush. [chuckles]
I guess I'm not
quite the cowboy I remembered.
Uh, are you still mixing up
your famous frozen margaritas, Paul?
Uh, tequila gives me a headache.
No, Evelyn was the, uh, margarita wiz.
- Ah, I knew that. Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- [sighs]
Remember when you moved in together?
That blender
was the first thing she unpacked.
So, Paul, now that you're retired
[chuckles] any big plans?
Plans. Um, I Plans?
Yeah, you've got
all the time in the world now.
Yeah, I suppose I suppose I do.
So, what's next?
Yeah, I I I don't really know.
Walter? What is next?
Look at her.
- She was the cutest pregnant lady ever.
- Walter?
Bought a house, raised a family,
got a law degree.
Walter! Did you hear what I said?
What? Sorry, I was reminiscing.
You're always reminiscing.
Enough with the past.
What What about now?
Pardon me, folks. How we doing?
You liking those green-chili enchiladas?
- I have absolutely no idea.
- Okay?
I only ordered them because I always do.
I'm chewing, I'm swallowing,
but I don't know if I like this.
Sweetie, it's just an entrée.
I don
I don't know if I like any of this.
I I I need some air.
- Paul!
- He just lost his wife.
My steak is great. Thank you.
[peaceful music playing]
Emmy, we have great news.
Oh, thank God.
We've learned a lot about our friendship.
Yup, and how I haven't
been listening to Joe.
- Huh? What about the crabs?
- Oh, they were a big help, for sure.
No! When can I go back
to living in my apartment?
Ooh, they're not leaving.
Not leaving?
I mean, I-I actually learned they've lived
in the building longer than you have,
so it's kinda rude you ever moved in.
[groans]
But they'd love to do whatever they can
to help you get your shit outta there
as soon as possible.
Fuck. I have to find a new place?
Emmy, cheer up.
Joe and I are better than ever.
You get to move, which is so fun.
This is a win for everybody, hun.
Yeah, everybody
except Gil's brother-in-law
because his equipment is gone forever.
What the fuck?
Why did I listen to you guys?
I should have paid for exterminators.
And now you know. Lesson learned.
And, frankly, isn't a bagel
a small price to pay for that new wisdom?
What? No. Fuck you two idiots.
[munches, spits]
[groans]
- Bitch!
- You think that's gonna stop me?
I've been eating pubes all day.
Yeah, if anything, I want it more now.
- [munching]
- Mm!
[snarls]
All right, Maury says
I gotta be honest with you, so here goes.
[snarling continues]
Deep down, I wanted to cut you off.
Because I
I love Rochelle,
and Dante's not good enough for her.
[purrs]
I'm not always a good guy.
I'm freakin' happy that I ruined his life
and his relationship.
[whimpers]
And I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
[sighs]
So if you wanna rip my throat out,
go ahead, do it.
[snarls]
- [cooing]
- Oh my God, it worked. It's licking me.
I'm proud of you, Pete.
- Maury, is it over?
- Almost.
There's just one more thing
you have to do.
Oh, fine.
Oh, you kissed him.
I meant you have to name him, but okay.
Paul, honey, what's going on?
- I hate Santa Fe.
- What?
I'm not sure
I even like Kathy and Dave that much.
Oh, this is silly talk.
They're your best friends.
No, they were Evelyn's best friends.
I have nothing in common with them.
- You have Santa Fe.
- Don't you get it?
I loved being here with Evelyn,
but being here without her?
It's miserable.
But she is here with you. Look.
No, no. Hey. That's it.
Ah! Did you just hit me?
Yes, and I'm sorry,
but you're making me feel like crap.
Excuse me? I'm your Lovebug.
I'm the root of all happiness.
But all you do is show me
memories of my late wife.
I just don't want you to forget Evelyn.
Because I love you, Paul.
Do you? Or do you just love the fact
that I was married to Evelyn?
Can you tell me one thing, Walter,
that you love about me?
- Of course.
- About Paul.
I love how you, um
Let me show you.
I have decades of memories.
Okay, that's Evelyn.
More Evelyn. Oh, dear.
See? It's like Evelyn
was your client, not me.
Well, I guess I just
I loved how you loved her,
and I gave that my all
for 30 goddamn years.
And now she's just
Gone.
- She's gone.
- She is.
- But I'm still here.
- You are.
And I'm sorry. I do love you.
I guess I just don't actually
know you very well.
I know. I
I don't know me very well either.
But now that I'm on my own,
I guess I gotta figure out who I am.
Hey, hey, hey, you ain't on your own.
You got me.
Thanks, Walter.
We're gonna solve
the mystery of Paul together.
Yeah. Who is Paul?
Hopefully you like what you find.
'Cause when you really take the time
to look at yourself,
there's a good chance
you'll hate your own guts.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
The new Paul, and he sucks.
- [screaming]
- Evelyn's favorite part of the desert?
No mosquitos.
Well done, Paul.
[grunts] Not today,
you bitch-ass vending-machine-ass bitch.
[sighs] Okay, Pete. You got this.
"Hey, Rochelle, Mondays, right?"
[chuckles] Perfect.
- Uh, hey, Rochelle.
- [grunts] Hey, Pete.
Uh, Mondays, right?
- Uh, I I hate I hate Mondays.
- [grunts]
Yeah, same. [grunts]
Well, see you around.
[exhales] You know what?
- Actually, I love Mondays.
- Okay.
And to continue this radical honesty,
I don't regret cutting off Dante's dick.
Dante is a bad guy, and he's just
Pete, shut the fuck up about Dante, okay?
- I don't wanna hear his name.
- Okay, okay.
But I was just gonna say
that you deserve much better.
You deserve a guy
who understands how incredible you are.
- A guy who can
- Look, Pete.
I can see you trying
to put it all out there, or whatever,
but with the week I've had,
I don't wanna talk or think
or feel anything right now,
so either fuck me or take a walk.
Uh, I'm sorry. What was that?
I said, either fuck me or take a walk.
Um, okay, well, uh,
if given only the two options,
I choose the first one. [chuckles]
"Fuck me." Final answer.
All right, then.
[hisses, grunts]
Rock me, baby
Make my face get soaking wet ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Rock me, baby Lord,
'Bout to work me to death, yeah ♪
Rock me again and again and again
And again and again and again ♪
Rock me again and again and again
And again and again and again ♪
Oh, show me what you feel
When you hold me close ♪
Yeah ♪
Let me see you twist
And give me a sexy dose ♪
Come on and rock me again and again
And again and again and again and again ♪
Rock me again and again and again
And again and again and again ♪
Rock me again and again and again
And again and again and again ♪
Rock me again and again and again
And again and again and again ♪
Rock me, baby
Make my face get soaking wet ♪
Yeah ♪