iCarly s02e03 Episode Script

Um, are you having some kind of lip seizure? No, I'm trying to blend coconut lip gloss and pineapple lip gloss to create a pina colada flavor.
I realize this isn't attractive.
Actually, it kind of is.
So, does it taste like pina colada? Do you wanna find out? Yes.
Eww.
Well? You bent my teeth.
Hey.
Hey, can I borrow 30 bucks? I gotta pay a cab driver.
You took a cab to school? I had to.
My mom loaned her car to some fisherman and I missed the bus.
A cab here from your house doesn't cost $30.
It does if you make the guy stop and buy you a breakfast burrito.
Come on.
Thirty bucks.
He's got the meter running.
Here's 20.
All I have is a 10 and I need it-- you know, I'm getting a little tired of Sam "borrowing" money.
Why the air quotes around "borrowing"? 'Cause she never pays us back.
True.
But don't be upset.
At least your lips smell all girly and sweet.
They do not.
I wiped it off.
I just think it's kind of lame for her to always be hitting us up for cash.
Who's always hitting you up for cash? You are.
Carly, am I always-- yes.
Okay, maybe I borrow money a lot, but don't I always pay back every-- no.
All right.
You guys figure out exactly how much I owe you and I'm gonna pay you back every dime of it.
Every dime.
Do you think she will? I'll believe it when I see it.
Hey, here's that dxc cable you wanted.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Pina colada.
Hah.
In five, four, three, two-- I know you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and the time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give your best Ready? Let's do this.
There they go.
Up to the ceiling.
And--pop.
Not our best idea.
No.
'Sup? Hey.
You ready to rehearse some "iCarly"? Yup.
Is Sam here? No, she's on her way.
We're gonna be upstairs rehearsing.
Don't harm yourselves.
Coming.
Well, hello there.
And hello there.
I'm Spencer.
Hi.
We live down the block and I have been taking Emily around to sell sunshine girl fudge balls.
I love fudge balls.
Did you hear that, sweetie? Why don't you ask the nice man if he'd like to buy a box? Yeah, just ask me.
I'm easy.
Oh, no.
Emily.
Did I--did I say something? It's not you.
She's just so shy.
She's trying to sell the most fudge balls in her troop so she can win this really cool bike.
Oh.
I could help her sell 'em.
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
Oh, come on.
My little sister Carly was a sunshine girl.
I used to help her sell fudge balls all the time.
And you're sure you wanna help Emily? How tall is your husband? I'm single.
I really wanna help Emily.
So, Fredwad, did you figure out how much money I owe you guys? You owe Carly and me exactly $526.
No way it's that much.
Show her.
Now, if you look at the graph, you'll see that your borrowing really took off two years ago during July, then-- oh, you squished my tripod finger.
That's not something a cool person says.
I don't care.
Are you gonna pay us back or what? I was, but I didn't know it was gonna be that much.
So how much do you have? Um, let's see.
I've got 14 bucks, a AA battery, some string, a fork, and I think that's an olive.
The olive's moving.
I got it.
Emily, come here, sweetie.
Spencer is going to tell you how you guys can sell a whole bunch of fudge balls, okay? Okay, Emily, you and I are gonna sit at this table and whenever people walk by us, we're gonna-- oh, no, no, Emily.
I-- oh, no, you go calm her down.
I got the fudge balls.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Emily.
Emily.
Hey there, fudge balls? No.
No? Okay.
How about you, ma'am? Sunshine girl fudge balls? No, thanks.
No.
Hey, come on.
We got peanut butter.
We got caramel, marshmallow.
No.
No.
Who's in a mood for some fudge balls? Girls, what's up? Hey there, maybe you girls didn't notice, but I'm set up right over there.
I'm trying to help a little girl win a bike.
Maybe we want a bike too.
Yeah, right.
See, here's the thing.
I don't think there's enough customers around here for all of us.
And since I was here first, I was thinking maybe you guys could move-- In five, four, three, two-- I'm Sam.
I'm Carly.
And this is "iCarly.
" The only Web show that makes you laugh and prevents heart disease.
So kick back with a pound of bacon and enjoy the show.
To start off, Sam and I are gonna perform a play that she wrote herself for drama class.
Miss Levinson gave me a d minus.
The play is called "the prisoner who just wanted "some soup and the man who refused to give him some.
" And action.
Just give me some soup.
I ain't gonna give you no soup.
Just give me some soup.
I ain't gonna give you no soup.
Just give me some soup.
I ain't gonna give you no soup.
Scene.
Thank you.
Hey, look, found a dollar on the floor.
Anything can happen on a live Web show now, you just need to find about 500 more.
Watch it, Fredward.
Sam and Freddie have been fighting about money this week.
'Cause Sam owes Carly and me over 500 bucks.
So if you wanna help me out with that little problem, send me some cash, care of Ridgeway middle school here in Seattle.
They ain't gonna send you no money.
They'll send me some money.
They ain't gonna send you no money.
They'll send me some money.
They ain't gonna send you no money.
They'll send me some money.
I forgive you for what you did yesterday, but we need to talk.
Get out of here.
All I was trying to do is help a little girl sell enough fudge balls to win a bike and I don't think it was very sunshiny of you girls to pick up my table and just throw it into the street like a-- no, wait.
No, not towards the car.
Oh, gee, stop.
Oh, my fudge balls.
This isn't over.
Sam.
What? Principal Franklin wants you now.
What does he know about? I don't know.
Oh, man.
Tell him I moved to Switzerland.
I'm gonna make a break for it.
Wait.
He knew you'd try to run.
He's got teachers posted at every door all over the building.
Hey.
Tell Carly to meet me at Franklin's office in two minutes.
What did you do? I don't know.
But he always goes easier on me when Carly's around.
It reminds him I'm not all bad.
Oh, wait.
What? Lend me five bucks? No.
Hold on.
I'm not ready.
I'm waiting for someone.
Carly Shay, to the principal's office.
Principal Franklin.
You're looking well.
You join a gym? Sam-- what happened? Carly.
Look, principal Franklin, it is my best friend Carly who loves me and sees the value in me as a person.
Right, Carls? Tell the nice man.
Tell him what? I sent you a text.
Oh.
Sam did nothing wrong.
She didn't do the thing you're mad about.
She's not that kind of girf.
Girf? Girl.
But you wrote girf.
Maybe you girfs have an explanation for these? What are those? Letters sent to you here at this school.
Apparently, they have something to do with "iCarly.
" Each one contains cash.
$10 from Sarah Cloody in Chicago? Two bucks from Louis Beckerman in New York.
Two bucks, way to dig deep, Louis.
This is serious.
Why? Now, I can pay you and Freddie back.
No.
You can't solicit money from kids over the Internet.
It's against the law.
This could get us in big trouble.
I suggest you return all this money immediately.
Oh, man, do you know how long it will take us to send every one of these kids their money back? More mail.
We gotta send all those back too? That's a lot of work for two girfs.
I hate this.
I hate this so much.
I can't believe this many "iCarly" fans sent money in just 'cause Sam asked them to.
It's gonna take us days to send it all back.
Or weeks.
Hey, Sam, how are you coming with those return address labels? Good.
Real good.
You're not making labels.
You're looking at trampolines.
I'm sorry.
I just want one so bad.
Well, you know when you can have a trampoline? When? Never.
I gotta go.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna go take a nap while we sit here working the mail-- I'm not going to take a nap.
I got a job.
You got a job? Where? At chili my bowl.
Chili? Yeah.
I figure if I gotta work, it might as well be around something I love.
Isn't chili my bowl the place where some guy found a finger in his chili last year? It was a thumb.
Hey, Sam.
I'm in a bad mood.
You too.
Hi.
Hey.
You sell a bunch of fudge balls? No.
How come he's selling fudge balls? He's trying to help this little sunshine girl win a new bike.
Hot mom.
Ah.
Why are you such a mess? 'Cause since those mean girls pushed me out of my spot, I tried moving my fudge ball operation down by the shipyard.
And? The dockworkers wanted no part of me or my fudge balls.
They threw clams at me.
Ah.
Yeah.
You know, you don't have to win that bike just to get that sunshine girl's mom to go out with you.
I know but I wanna sell more than those rotten girls at the market.
Hey, are you hungry? Yeah, you bring home dinner? Ah-huh.
What's in here? Clams.
Hey, lady.
Yes, can I help you? I said I wanted hot sauce and there wasn't no hot sauce on my tray.
Sorry.
Here's some hot sauce.
You should have put it on my tray in the first place.
You know where I wanna put it right now? You watch your mouth.
No, you watch your mouth before I put my fist in it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You say you're sorry to the customer.
But he-- apologize.
I'm so very sorry.
You-- calm, calm, calm, calm.
You wanna keep this job? No, but I need to.
Then behave.
Now, come here.
Here.
Now, go clean the men's room.
What? Go clean-- no, no, no, no, no.
Don't say it again.
I, uh--I mean, can't you get a guy employee to do it? Now.
Oh.
Hey, what goes on? What's up? Hey.
What are you doing here so late? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by on my way home from work.
Oh, and Freddie, your mom is looking for you.
Something about a sick relative.
What? I gotta go.
Which one of his relatives is sick? None.
I made that up so he'd leave.
Why? 'Cause I don't want Freddie to see me-- cry.
I don't like working.
I don't know how people do it.
It's horrible.
They don't let you sleep, or watch TV, or go online.
And they expect you to be nice to all the customers.
And I'm not even allowed to eat the chili.
Do you know what its like to be me, surrounded by giant pots of chili and not allowed to eat it? I can't stand to see you like this.
You have to quit.
No, I can't.
I promised myself I wouldn't quit till I pay back every Penny I owe you and Freddie.
I had to clean urinals.
Boys are so gross.
You'll be okay.
My mom says none of my relatives-- Carly.
Carly, come down here.
Carly.
Carly.
Spencer, it's 6:00 in the morning.
I know, but I've got big news.
I can't take you seriously when you're wearing duck pajama pants.
Duck boxers? Tell me why you're sending all this money back to your fans.
'Cause, principal Franklin said it's not legal to solicit money from kids over the Internet.
Principal Franklin didn't go to law school like your big bro.
You went for three days.
But I kept this book.
And it says, "it is illegal to solicit money "over the Internet from persons under the age of 18.
" We know that.
"Unless you provide a product or service in return.
" But we didn't provide a product or service.
But you're going to.
Spencer.
"iCarly" is gonna provide a product to every fan that sent you guys money.
What products? fudge balls.
fudge balls? Ah-huh.
Balls of fudge.
And we can keep all the money? Yup.
It's totally legal.
So Spencer called Socko, got a bunch of guys to come over and they're sending out fudge balls right now to every "iCarly" fan that sent us money.
Say, "yay.
" But wait, the fudge balls aren't free.
No, but when you subtract the cost of the fudge balls from the money our fans sent us, we still make $541 in profit.
And Spencer wins the bike for the little sunshine girl.
But wait.
What do we do with the money? Well, we get to keep 541 and Sam owes us 526, so we give Sam the 526 and then she can pay us back and quit her stupid job.
But wait.
Stop saying, "but wait.
" Sam is not gonna take the money from us.
Why wouldn't she? It's a pride thing.
It's why she won't quit her job.
If we just give her the money, she won't feel like she really paid us back.
Yeah.
Okay, how about this? Yeah.
We find some adult that Sam doesn't know.
Okay.
And we give him the 526 bucks and then he gives the money to Sam as a tip at the restaurant.
That's brilliant.
Isn't it? But wait.
What? That leaves an extra 15 bucks.
Yeah, five for me, five for Sam, and five for you.
Go nuts.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Oh, look at-- can you see this? Oh, look at these fries.
I have the money.
I have money.
I have money.
I have the money.
I have the money.
Oh, oh, look.
Oh, look.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, look.
I got money.
Money, money, money, money.
Woo-hoo.
Woo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hi.
I just wanted you girls to know that I won the bike.
And because I am a grownup, I forgive you for behaving so rudely to me.
Take care.
On the other hand, check out how cool this bike is.
Oh, I won the fancy new bike and you didn't.
How you jerks like me now? Woo.
Oh, I'm out of control.
Oh, geez, I'm sorry.
Oh.
What goes on, peoples? Hey, where have you been? Oh, I had little bid-ness to take care of.
Bid-ness? Yup.
I kind of came into a little money.
Like enough to pay us back the $526 you owe us? Like exactly that much.
Awesome.
Great.
So, where is it? I spent it.
What? Sam, you did not.
Yeah, I did.
You were supposed to pay us back.
Oh, you guys don't need that money.
I can't believe this.
You're insane.
I may be insane but I bought something that's gonna be a lot of fun for all three of us.
What'd you buy? Oh, great.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Surprise.
We're bouncing.
Hi.
Yeah.
Where is the couch?