Idiotsitter (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

1 You're watching "Say, How the Heck Do They Make Tambourines?" I can't wait 'til they tell us - how they put the skin on.
- Adding the jiggly things.
- It's the best part.
- Hey, Gene - No.
- I wish I could play catch up Not necessary.
This cool cat in the corner over here has been telling me about La Tomatina in Spain.
It's the world's largest tomato fight.
I'm very much the audience for that conversation and I still want you to go away.
I'll get you the particulars A-S-A-possible.
Is there a Wilhemina Brown here? - Oh, I'm Wilhe-beena Brown.
- You sure? You didn't even say the name right.
Yeah who cares? It's It's illegal to open someone else's mail.
[BLEEP.]
it.
I don't care.
I don't care about a lot of things.
- Do you have any Advil? - No.
Do you know where the nearest emergency room is? - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Then why are you going to the - Ew.
- You have a good day.
Jesus that's heavy.
All right, what do we got here? Six paychecks Bifunkles catalog Crockpot! U.
S.
Navy the cargo pants store? "Dear Wilhelmina.
It's your old school chum, Terry.
I know it's been forever since we've spoken.
I have a confession to make.
I know we swore we'd lose our sexual innocence to one another, once I returned but it's been many years since we parted and I've made love to another a lady sailor coincidentally also named Terry.
I write to free you from our pact to stay 'intact.
' Please forgive me.
Your childhood pal, Terry".
Jesus, Mary and Joe Jonas.
My ride-or-die bitch has never been ridden? My road dawg has never been raw-dawged? My urchin is a virchin? Can it be, Billie is a virgin? Oh, Gene, there you are! I'm organizing my bookshelf by ROYGBIV and I can't figure out where to put dear "Gatsby.
" Tell me, would you consider this a violet or an indigo, Old Sport? I see it now.
Slow down, Larry Crowne! I have questions! Look, I just want to get to the accounting office before they close and deal with these expired paychecks, so I'm not talking paychecks! I'm talking about the fact that you never told me that a fickle seaman never gave you his pickle or his semen.
Is that true? I mean, I specifically requested direct deposit! Wait, we're not going anywhere 'til you tell me if that's real.
Look, it's no big deal, okay? We were young and we'd saw too many romantic movies.
- Let me be your Seth Rogen.
- What? - "40-Year-Old Virgin", duh.
- I'm not 40! 45? - 46? - Stop going higher! 47! Billie! Billie, will you slow down? I'm so tired of exercising! I have an important question to ask you.
If I hadn't read your mail, would you have told me? - No.
- What? You answered that so quickly! You probably would pressure me to lose it under some arbitrary time constraint like in some teen movie where everyone has curly hair and it's fine.
Look, I get it.
All right, it's like the dentist.
The longer you wait to go, the more you fear the drill.
Yeah, that's why I go to a dentist that gives nitrous and hand massages and plays "Hope Floats" while you get your teeth cleaned.
So you're scared.
Let me be your weird inappropriate hand massages.
Let me be your "Hope Floats!" I get to be Harry Connick Jr.
'cause I'm the most handsome.
- No, thank you.
- Then it is settled! By the stroke of midnight tonight I vow that you will be stroked by midnight tonight.
This is exactly what I don't want.
No "help," Gene.
Goodbye.
Stroke of midnight.
Oh, uh, can I help you? Yeah, I um, got these paychecks in the mail.
Mm-hm, is there a problem with them? Yeah, there's a problem with them.
I've been waiting for these paychecks for a really long time! If I'd known I'd be waiting so long I probably could have gotten paychecks elsewhere! I didn't, though! Because when you make a contract with someone, you're supposed to keep it.
- That's okay.
- No, I'll he - Is it, uh - I just You know, maybe maybe Gene was right! - Maybe I waited so long - These are all in order.
to doing it, it just became an excuse to avoid it with anyone else.
So what?! I'm a normal person! Well, you need one of these direct deposit slips.
Oh, right.
If that's cool, I'll just - Sorry, I oh.
- This is chaos.
Is this Hello? I don't think it rang.
Ask Hedra to make fliers for Billie's virginity.
To lose Bill To lose Billie's virginity.
Damn it, that's too many words.
- Gene.
- Oh, hey, Jay Lowe! - There you are.
- Hey! - Hi.
- Hi.
Wow, you're looking more and more like a handsome vampire every day.
Well, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Hey, what are friends for? We were supposed to meet in the bar an hour ago? Right.
I'm sorry, my brain is elsewhere.
Well, when I need to be alone with my thoughts I sequester myself in the campus theater.
Haven't you ever had a friend that you cared about so much that you would do anything for? Even if it meant doing things they didn't know to need to want? I I think so.
That's 'cause you get me.
See ya'! Gene? A strange new feeling Oh, there's my form, um? - Jeff it's Jeff.
- Oh.
Great.
Look, I'm sorry I took my pique out on you earlier.
- It's totally fine, I get it.
- Oh, you do? - Sure, yeah.
- Oh.
Hey, you know, the Campus Activist Coalition is hosting a fundraiser for Indonesian political prisoners.
.
seeking asylum from torture in Indonesia over free speech violations tonight.
Oh? I don't know if you maybe want to go? - Whoa.
- Oop, sorry.
That's actually my grandpa's urn, I'll get that.
Oh it's full of mints.
- Yeah, he had bad breath.
- Oh.
Sorry about that.
That's quite all right.
Okay.
I think that would be a great opportunity - Great.
- To lose my virginity.
- To lose your virginity? - Fundraising! - Fundra - Fundraising.
Ahem! Hey, fellas.
Hey, Gene! Can I have a minute? Where you been, Dime Back? You wanna get out there and hit them sleds, girl? - No, I can't today.
- Aw.
I'm here on business, Brian.
I need a favor.
Oh, can we all take a knee? - Yeah.
- I just think that's cool.
- Yeah, yeah, of course! - Anything for you, Gene.
Look, I'm in need of a sturdy lover for my adult virgin friend.
And I figured, who better than the most trustworthy dudes I know, college athletes? Gene, you've seen the posters hanging up in the locker room, right? Yeah, of course.
I mean "Honesty.
" "Integrity.
" "Respect.
" Yeah, well, those aren't just fancy words over dope pictures of migratory birds.
Those are the core values that we live by not just as football players, but as feminists.
Most of the team are interested in committed monogamous relationships.
I mean, is that true for you, Brian? I'm actually spending some time dating myself.
Touchdown.
- Hell, yeah.
- Right, Steve? Plus, Gene, virginity is a construct.
I mean, we all read The Second Sex, the locus classicus - by Simone de Beauvoir, right? - Yeah, yeah.
And now listen, I hope you read Naomi Wolf and Elizabeth Wurtzel for contrast.
- Oh, yeah.
- Good, good.
Can it be? Was it she? Was it right in front of me? Could Gene and I be Who's down there? You kids keep your mitts off my fog machine! Jeffrey! Jeff hm.
Oh, Joof You love a slender neck? What a gentlemanly compliment.
Sex sexy Jeff.
Jeff.
Come on put this here.
Lazy goes there.
Yeah, no, no, no I just think you guys would [BLEEP.]
beautifully.
Like your dick is the train and it's pulling into Penetration Station.
You can bang and hang, or like dine and dash.
I'm just looking to get something in there.
For sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I totally understand.
Damn it! There's only six hours left! Well, I think clogs on a man can be very sexy.
Come on! Pick up, pick up, pick up Hello.
Billie.
Look, turns out the football team is way too woke.
I'm still going through the phone tree! There is a mid-career puppet comedian that's performing in the small auditor tonight.
He might be looking for a little road beef I appreciate your help, Gene, but I can do this myself.
- Yeah, but - In fact, I'm going to a fundraiser at the student center tonight and I think that all the activism may prove to be very er erotic.
Totally, totally, totally, but Look, I gotta keep getting ready! Goodbye! But s butts! Sex and butts.
Whatever, yeah.
I went to West LA.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you? - Good, how are you? - You You look nice.
- Oh, thank you.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah, I thought it was sort of a strange idea for a first date but I can't think of a better way to demonstrate your passion and com-passion.
I didn't mean to say "cum" just then.
Yeah, I, um this isn't a date.
Cum again? Sorry.
Come again.
I'll be honest, when I met earlier you seemed really hung up on sex and money and But you invited me to the fundraiser.
For Indonesian political prisoners seeking asylum from torture in Indonesia over free speech violations? Yeah.
- Yeah, that mm-hm.
- Right? I thought it would give you some perspective.
I thought it would be good for you.
Oh okay.
Sorry about that.
Can you be here in two hours? For sex.
With Billie.
Cripes! Already? That was fast.
"Gene, I think I figured out what you meant earlier today.
Please meet me at the campus theater at 10 PM.
And wear this.
Durr-Lowe.
" Dr.
Lowe.
Man, this looks like it could use a little something extra.
Oh, thank god.
- Hit me.
- Excuse me? Aren't you spiking the punch? Oh [BLEEP.]
come on! Were you hoping for raspberry? No, I was hoping I'm sorry, I'm just I'm having a a hard night.
Oh, well, you don't have to We meet again, my sweet.
Oh, my god.
Mm, you look delicious.
Oh, my god.
Ooh, you better save some of those "Oh my gods" for later.
During coitus, of course.
Brett, what are you doing here? I would like to throw my penis into the ring.
And by ring, I mean your innocence.
- What? - I would be honored to make love to you tonight, Billie.
- Gene.
- It's time to do the do.
I would never, ever have sex with you, okay, Brett? I would rather die a virgin! I would rather die a virgin.
Oh.
- Billie! - Gene, did you call Brett? Yeah, I know, not my first option, but he's very prepared.
He already has a condom on.
And there's fliers?! Yes, okay, but I kept it very discrete! I just put your first name Hang on, my phone's buzzing! I have 500 "winks" from an elderly dating app called "Penulti-Mates"?! I went ahead and signed you up for that.
Because of their oldness, the elderly tend to be sort of slow moving and tender lovers! Sort of like doing it with a snail.
Only it's hot.
Gene, do me a favor don't do me any favors! Okay? So do the favor or don't do the favor.
Don't do the favor! Gene, please stop helping me! Billie, wait, wait, wait, before you go How do you wear a dress? Hey you know where these snacks taste really good? In my bed? Is that what you're gonna say, Brett? No, in the kitchen.
There'd be crumbs all over the bed.
I'm not a crumb monster! Can I just have some alone time, please? Okay? - Fair enough.
- Thank you.
But if you need a shoulder to snack on, in a dirty way Oh, my god! Look, I may be a pathetic virgin but at least I'm not begging for it! Okay? Hello? Jenny from the Block, you here? - Gene.
- Oh - You look so beautiful.
- Thank you.
I can't feel Rizzoli.
That's my left boob.
The right is - Isles.
- Yeah.
Oh - Oh.
- Thanks.
Okay, you can look.
I want to thank you for coming here tonight.
Oh, no, I'm sorry about blowing you off.
I had my head up my own can.
So have I, I've been a real ass-head.
I just, um I've been so obsessed with helping my friend that I forgot about my best friend in the whole world.
Me.
You see, that's why you're so special.
Because of how much you care for others.
Jay Lowe, what is all of this? I'm in a dress that looks like a curtain and this place smells like Fatburger.
That's the drama students, they eat a lot of Fatburgers.
Makes sense.
Movies On The TV now returns to Hope Floats.
- You've got to be shitting me.
- Rough night? Yeah, you could say that.
Me, too.
I was rejected by an online virgin.
Ah, okay mm-hm, mm-hm.
I thought I was clear but I guess I have to be Billie Crystal.
You're transparent and not the good kind with Jeffrey Tambor.
As long as you know that I can get and do sex just fine.
Then why do you need Gene to get you old men off the internet? You're Billie? Bitch! Look, I don't need Gene or Grandpa's help with all this.
Oh, what a relief! - Yeah you know.
- Relief.
- It is so relieving.
- Yeah.
I brought you here tonight because I have something special to tell you.
What is it? I'm going to sing to you.
Okay.
Last night I asked the skies above to send me moonbeams Sunlight stars but also love I woke to find it's true That I have all but one thing darling and that's you If I could have but one last wish I'd ask for moonbeams Sunlight stars and just one kiss - Oh! - Oh, jeez! - I would never make-out with you.
- Yeah.
Once in a lifetime love - Careful.
- Okay.
Once in a blue moon romance Red rubber flying in! Yeah, I'd like to be safe.
Needle in a haystack school crush And this place smells like Fatburger - Mm.
- This is good.
So now we know it's true I'm gettin' deep in there! Did you rip my tights? That all the moonbeams sunlight stars mean I'm really enjoying being inside of you.
Yeah, I'm having a good time, thank you.
I love you Whoa! Penis Apocalypse! You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh, Dr.
Lowe! I never knew I had these kinds of feelings for you! Neither did I! I never knew I had these kinds of feelings at all! Neither did I! Maybe it's because you're a teacher and I'm a student! Oh, I totally forgot about that.
The stroke of midnight! What does it mean? My fog machine! This latte tastes different today.
Richer.
Fuller.
Oh, no, it is not okay.
You don't tip a barista once and they think it's okay to blow in your joe.
Gene, um, I want to apologize to you.
No, no, no, I want to apologize to you, okay? I'm really sorry that I was trying to auction off your maidenhood to well, everyone.
Football players, Chinese restaurants the oldies, especially the oldies, I'm sorry about.
Well, for what it's worth, um, thank you for helping me.
I was pretty hopeless last night, but it turns out I'm amazing at sex.
Which I I never would have known, if it weren't for you.
- Boop.
- Sex? Oh, Billie, are you so blinded by the pleasures of the flesh? - Yeah.
- Billie.
Sex, and I hate saying the word even, because it doesn't matter.
But sex is just two bodies doing the worm, you know? - Mm-hm.
- Anyone can have sex.
The real thing that matters Can I get two cookies, please? The real thing that matters is love.
True, natural, majestical, spiritual love.
I can't see you any more.
I'm sorry, what's that? I'm a teacher.
You're a student.
I have to tender my resignation for even entertaining it.
- But I brought you a cookie.
- No, no, no, no Don't Don't say another word.
The decision is final.
Goodbye, my Gene.
Bye.
Au revoir.
I don't know what that means.
So you're single? Why not? Let me at that Basset-Hound dick.
I'm Gene! - Take a train! - Train!