Inside Comedy (2012) s02e03 Episode Script

[music.]
- YOU KNOW, EVERY COMEDIAN THAT WE TALK TO, THE FIRST TONIGHT SHOW THAT THEY DID, IT WAS THE-- IT WAS THE BIGGEST THING.
- WHEN I FIRST AUDITIONED FOR THE TONIGHT SHOW, I'D DONE STAR SEARCH.
- MM-HMM.
- AND WE SENT A TAPE TO STAR SEARCH TO THE TONIGHT SHOW AND THAT GOT ME AN AUDITION WITH JIM MCCAWLEY WHO'S THE GUY WHO PICKED ALL THE COMICS.
- YEAH.
- AND WE WENT UP TO THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB OUT HERE IN L.
A.
AND HERMOSA BEACH, AND I AUDITIONED FOR HIM THERE.
AND USUALLY, PEOPLE AUDITION TO EVEN GET ON THE SHOW.
SO I WENT TO THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB THE ONE TIME, HE MEETS ME BACKSTAGE, HE GOES, "WELL, YOU GOT THE SHOW.
" AND, LIKE, WORD SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE THROUGHOUT THE LITTLE COMEDY COMMUNITY.
"HEY, DREW CAREY GOT THE TONIGHT SHOW ON HIS FIRST AUDITION.
" - MM-HMM.
- I WAS, LIKE, "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
" AND THEY DID, BACK IN CLEVELAND, THE PLAIN DEALER DID A ARTICLE ABOUT ME, "LOCAL COMIC TO BE ON THE TONIGHT SHOW" AND ALL THAT STUFF.
- IT'S GREAT.
- YEAH, IT WAS REALLY EXCITING, AND I WAS, LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I GOT THE TONIGHT SHOW.
" AND WHAT THEY DID WAS, THEY WOULD-- YOU WOULD DO A SET, AND THEY WOULD PUT YOU ON A LIST.
THEN WHENEVER THERE WAS SOMEBODY THAT FELL OUT, THEY WOULD CALL YOU, AND YOU WOULD SUB IN.
- MM-HMM.
- AND THEN I WAITED AND WAITED.
NEVER HEARD FROM THEM, NEVER HEARD FROM THEM.
AND I WAS OUT WORKING AT THE COMEDY MAGIC CLUB THAT NOVEMBER, AND THE NEXT DAY, I WENT TO SEE BOB SAGET DO A FULL HOUSE TAPING.
- MM-HMM.
- SO I WAS GONE ALL DAY.
AND NO CELL PHONES BACK THEN.
SO NO WAY TO GET A HOLD OF ME.
SO I WENT TO SEE FULL HOUSE, AND THEN I WENT DRIVING TO COMEDY MAGIC CLUB, AND I GET THERE, AND THE MC MEETS ME AT THE DOOR AND HE GOES, "HEY, YOU ALL RIGHT?" I GO, "YEAH.
DOING GREAT.
" AND HE GOES, "OH, I GUESS YOU DIDN'T HEAR.
" AND I GO, "WHAT HAPPENED?" HE GOES, "I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU.
" I GO, "WHAT, MY--MY MOTHER DIED? JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
" AND THEN HE GOES, "TONIGHT SHOW'S BEEN TRYING "TO CALL YOU ALL DAY TO DO THE TONIGHT SHOW TONIGHT, BUT THEY COULDN'T GET A HOLD OF YOU.
" - OH, NO.
- SO THEY GOT SOMEBODY ELSE INSTEAD.
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND I WAS, LIKE, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" AND I GO, "WELL.
OH, WELL, IT'S OKAY.
I'LL GET THE, YOU KNOW, I'LL DO IT AGAIN.
" THEN I CALLED MCCAWLEY ON MONDAY, JIM MCCAWLEY, AND I SAID, "I'M SORRY I MISSED YOUR CALL ON FRIDAY.
" HE GOES, "THAT'S OKAY.
"BUT I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU AGAIN BEFORE WE SCHEDULE ANOTHER APPEARANCE.
" SO I SAID, "GREAT.
" SO I WENT AND I SAW HIM AGAIN.
HE SAW ME DO ANOTHER SET.
- RIGHT.
- AND I CHANGED TOO MUCH.
I WAS JUST BRAND-NEW.
I WAS ONLY DOING COMEDY FOR, LIKE, TWO YEARS, A YEAR AND A HALF, TWO YEARS WHEN I FIRST GOT IT.
THEN HE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT? "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT'S NOT QUITE READY YET.
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT I JUST DON'T LIKE ANYMORE.
" SO I HAD IT, I MISSED THE CALL, AND THEN I DIDN'T HAVE IT.
THEN I WAS, LIKE, "THAT'S IT.
"I'M NOT GONNA MISS ANOTHER ONE OF THESE CALLS.
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING AGAIN.
" I ENDED UP LIVING OUT OF MY CAR FOR 18 MONTHS.
I DIDN'T SLEEP IN THE CAR, BUT I TRAVELED IN IT FOR 18 MONTHS DOING STAND-UP.
AND ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS I GOTTA GET BACK ON THE TONIGHT SHOW.
- MM-HMM.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES.
I WANT TO GET MY ACT SO GOOD THEY CAN'T DENY ME.
SO THREE YEARS IT TOOK ME.
I DIDN'T HAVE AN AGENT OR ANYTHING.
I CALLED JIM MCCAWLEY ON MY OWN.
I GO, "REMEMBER ME, DREW CAREY? I'D TO COME SEE YOU AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY ACT.
" HE GOES, "YEAH, COME ON AND SEE ME.
" - IT WAS THREE YEARS SINCE MCCAWLEY, SINCE THAT DAY? - YEAH.
- WOW.
- AND I WENT TO THE IMPROV IN L.
A.
, AND I DID A SET FOR HIM.
SO I GET UP AND I DO ONE OF THE BEST SETS OF MY LIFE, LIKE A KILLER 20 MINUTES.
YOU KNOW, MY--MY GOOD 20 MINUTES-- I HAD A GOOD HOUR AND A HALF THEN.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- AFTER ALL THAT TIME ON THE ROAD.
I JUST DID MY BEST 20.
JIM MCCAWLEY COMES OUT.
"YOU GOT THE SHOW.
" YOU KNOW, I'M WAITING AND WAITING.
THIS TIME, I'M NOT REALLY TELLING ANYBODY.
- RIGHT.
- I GOT BACK ON THE LIST.
- YES, RIGHT.
- BUT I'M NOT AS EX-- YOU KNOW, I'M PLAYING IT A LOT MORE CLOSE TO THE VEST.
AND I FINALLY GET A CALL THAT NOVEMBER.
LIKE, ALMOST THREE YEARS TO THE DAY.
- MM-HMM.
- "YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS SHOW THIS NEXT FRIDAY.
" I GET TO L.
A.
, GET A HAIRCUT, GO DO THE TONIGHT SHOW, AND I HEAR HIM INTRODUCE ME, THE THING GOES UP, AND IT'S JUST LIKE I DREAMED IT.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
THANKS.
I, UH-- [laughter.]
- [wolf whistle.]
- PEOPLE JUST STARING AT ME.
IT'S OKAY.
PEOPLE LAUGH AT ME ALL THE TIME, 'CAUSE I LOOK LIKE THAT GUY FROM THE AD IN THE BACK OF THE COMIC BOOKS FOR X-RAY SPECS.
SO-- [laughs.]
I MEAN, I'M GLAD TO BE HERE, MAN.
I'M IN A GREAT MOOD.
I HAD SOME TERRIBLE NEWS IN THE MAIL LATELY.
I GOT MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION COMING UP.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO ONE OF THOSE.
DON'T GO.
IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE, MAN.
THAT'S A LOT OF STRESS-- HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.
YOU GET THAT LETTER IN THE MAIL, AND RIGHT AWAY, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ONLY HAVE SIX MONTHS TO MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF.
[laughs.]
LIKE, COME ON, SEVEN! DADDY NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT AND GET A NEW CAREER.
COME ON! I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT STILL LOOKS LIKE HIS GRADUATION PICTURE THOUGH, SO I'M PRETTY HAPPY.
[laughter and applause.]
I KNOW IT'S FUNNY AND EVERYTHING.
I JUST DON'T THINK LOOKING LIKE THIS IS WORTH THAT ONE JOKE.
[clears throat.]
BUT ANYWAY.
I-- [laughs.]
- THAT'S GREAT.
- AND I WAS, LIKE, FLOATING THE WHOLE TIME.
AND WE GET DONE, AND LIKE, THE BAND'S SHAKING MY HAND, THE SECURITY GUARD'S SHAKING MY HAND.
[laughs.]
- SURE.
SURE.
- AND I CAN ONLY EXPLAIN THAT I USED TO GO TO A PENTECOSTAL CHURCH WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH.
AND WHEN I WAS, LIKE, AND TALKED IN TONGUES AND EVERYTHING.
AND YOU SHAKE AND YOU FALL ON THE FLOOR.
IT'S A VERY EMOTIONAL BUT REAL EXPERIENCE.
- MM-HMM.
- AND THAT'S THE ONLY-- THAT TONIGHT SHOW THING WAS THE ONLY THING LIKE IT.
IT'S LIKE BEING SAVED IN THE BLOOD OF SHOW BUSINESS.
- WELL, SURE, IT WAS.
- YOU KNOW.
[laughs.]
- WELL, IF YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, IT'S BIGGER.
I MEAN-- - I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I COULD JUST FEEL EVERYTHING, LIKE, WASH THROUGH ME LIKE I WAS A NEW PERSON WHEN I GOT DONE WITH THAT TONIGHT SHOW.
I WASN'T THE SAME PERSON SEVEN MINUTES LATER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause.]
[energetic music.]
[music.]
[cheers and applause.]
WOW.
[cheering and whistling.]
- YOU, UM-- - WOW.
THANKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- YOU CAN'T DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT FOR YOUR FIRST SHOT.
- THANKS.
- NO WAY.
- LET'S TALK ABOUT THE TONIGHT SHOW.
SO YOU DID THE TONIGHT SHOW A LOT, RIGHT? - I DID.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, I ACTUALLY-- NOW HERE'S AN INTERESTING THING.
THE VERY FIRST TIME I EVER DID THE TONIGHT SHOW, THERE WERE A NUMBER OF WAYS YOU COULD GET ON.
BUT THEY HAD A CATTLE CALL ON FRIDAY AFTERNOONS WHEN ANYBODY COULD COME ON.
A JUGGLER, A FIRE-EATER, LION TAMER, YOU KNOW.
ENTOMOLOGIST WITH HIS BOOKS.
- UH-HUH.
- ANYTHING.
AND FREDDIE DE CORDOVA WOULD WATCH THE THING AND MY MANAGER, BUDDY MORA, GOT ME TO COME IN AND DO THAT.
AND I CAME IN, AND I DID A SONG THAT I HAD DONE IN MY ACT WHICH DID WELL IN THE ACT WHERE I WANTED TO DO A FRENCH SONG.
ONLY IN ORDER TO MAKE IT MORE FRENCH, I PUT A RED AND WHITE CHECKED TABLECLOTH OVER MY LAP AND A LARGE LOAF OF BREAD, HUNG GRAPES OFF MY GUITAR, HAD A BERET, AND A FEW OTHER FRENCH THINGS, I THINK.
AND THEN DID THE SONG WHICH WAS ROUGHLY IN FRENCH, BUT NOT.
AND SO I THOUGHT, THAT'S THE KILLER.
I'LL GO IN AND DO THAT.
AND I DID IT, AND THEN WENT BACK TO NEW YORK AND WAITED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
I HEAR BUDDY ON THE PHONE GOING, "NO KIDDING? "REALLY? WELL.
THAT'S CERTAINLY EXTREME.
OKAY.
" AND I SAID, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" HE SAID, "HE SAID IT WAS ABSOLUTELY "THE WORST FREAKING THING HE'S EVER SEEN "IN HIS LIFE.
NEVER SEND THAT MAN OVER HERE AGAIN.
" AND I THOUGHT, WELL, THERE GOES MY TONIGHT SHOW CAREER.
AND THEN TWO WEEKS LATER, CARLIN WAS HOSTING.
AND IF--AS YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE HOSTING, YOU CAN PICK YOUR GUEST.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- AND GEORGE SAID, "I WANT TO HAVE MARTIN ON.
" SO I GOT ON.
AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO.
I MEAN, THERE WAS NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
I HAD TO DO THE FRENCH SONG.
- YOU'RE THE FRENCH SINGER.
- AND IT WENT OVER REALLY, REALLY WELL.
AND THEN TWO WEEKS AFTER THAT, I WAS GUEST-HOSTING.
- THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT.
- YEAH.
[music.]
WHAT A LOVELY NIGHT IT'S BEEN [laughter.]
[music.]
IT'S TOO BAD IT HAS TO END MERCI.
[music.]
WON'T YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE KISS? [music.]
AS I SLEEP, I'LL DREAM OF THIS [music.]
AND THE CHANCE WE'LL MEET AGAIN PEUT-ETRE.
[music.]
SENDS A TINGLE THROUGH EACH NERVE [music.]
IT'S SO HARD TO SAY AU REVOIR [music.]
SO LET'S JUST SAY HORS D'OEUVRE [upbeat music.]
[music.]
- DID YOU AS A KID READ MAD MAGAZINE? WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.
- I NEVER MISSED AN ISSUE.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
THE STICKER-- THEY HAD STICKERS IN IT.
ALL THEIR PARODY STICKERS, AND THEN I-- LOVED THOSE, AND I LOVED THE SONG PARODIES.
THERE'S STILL MAD MAGAZINE ONES WHERE, IF I HEAR THE SONG, I IMMEDIATELY THINK OF THE PARODY.
- SEE, BECAUSE YOU COULD SING IT AND GET LAUGHS WITH IT FROM YOUR FRIENDS.
- I'D BE AT SCHOOL.
LIKE, THAT WOULD BE-- I'D BE, LIKE, "HEY, WANT TO HEAR A SONG PARODY? ONE WAS GROUND ROUND TO THE TUNE OF DOWNTOWN.
- OH, GROUND ROUND.
- UH, OH.
[music.]
WHEN YOU EAT MEAT, BUT HATE THE MEAT [music.]
THAT YOU'RE EATING, THEN YOU SURELY GOT [music.]
GROUND ROUND - [laughs.]
- THAT'S--THAT'S-- - [music.]
IT'S SO UNNERVING THAT'S A GOOD MAD MAGAZINE WORD--UNNERVING.
[music.]
IT'S SO UNNERVING [music.]
WHEN THEY'RE CONSTANTLY SERVING IT [music.]
IN AN EATING SPOT [music.]
GROUND ROUND [laughter.]
- SO YOU LIKE SONG PARODIES.
THAT'S-- I, TOO.
I MEAN-- - LOVE THEM.
- YEAH.
THOSE WERE-- THOSE WERE MY THINGS TOO.
DO YOU KNOW TOM LEHRER'S WORK? - LOVE TOM LEHRER.
- YEAH.
- MY TWO FAVORITE TOM LEHRER SONGS GOTTA BE THE ELEMENTS AND NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK.
- NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK.
- YEAH.
- DO THAT ONE.
DO YOU KNOW IT? - [music.]
OH, THE CATHOLICS HATE THE PROTESTANTS [music.]
AND THE PROTESTANTS HATE THE CATHOLICS [music.]
AND THE HINDUS HATE THE MUSLIMS [music.]
AND EVERYBODY HATES THE JEWS both: [music.]
BUT DURING NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK [music.]
NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK - YEAH.
[music.]
LENA HORNE AND SHERIFF CLARK [music.]
ARE DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHO LENA HORNE AND SHERIFF CLARK ARE TO GET THAT ONE.
IT WAS FROM THE '60s.
[laughs.]
- YOU GET THE IDEA.
I LOVE THE OLD DOPE PEDDLER.
[stammers.]
[music.]
WHEN THE-- STARTS LIKE A BALLAD.
[music.]
WHEN THE SHADES OF NIGHT ARE FALLING [music.]
THERE'S A FELLA EVERYONE KNOWS - [guffaws.]
YEAH.
- [music.]
HE'S THE OLD DOPE PEDDLER [music.]
SPREADING JOY WHEREVER HE GOES AND IT GOES ON.
[stammers.]
HE WAS JUST GREAT.
- TOM LEHRER WAS THE BEST.
- YEAH.
- AND THAT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S REALLY NOBODY LIKE HIM ANYMORE.
- NO, NO.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
YOU KNOW, EVERY COMEDIAN REMEMBERS A BOMB, RIGHT? - YEAH.
- THAT--THAT DIDN'T WORK.
- A REAL BOMB WAS OPENING FOR THE POINTER SISTERS ON A MIDNIGHT SHOW IN WASHINGTON, D.
C.
AND I CAME OUT AND, UH-- I WAS PROBABLY WASN'T REALLY WHO THEY WERE THERE TO SEE.
- [laughs.]
YEAH.
- YEAH.
AND I DID A COUPLE OF TUNES, AND SO I FINALLY SAID, "THANK YOU.
" GOT UP AND LEFT, AND THEY STARTED APPLAUDING.
AND THE PROMOTER SAYS, "THEY LOVE YOU, MAN.
GO ON BACK OUT.
" I SAID, "NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THEY'RE APPLAUDING BECAUSE I'M OUT OF THERE.
" - [laughs.]
- "THEY WANT THE POINTER--" HE'S, "NO, THEY LOVE YOU.
THEY LOVE YOU.
" AND I SAID, "NO, NO.
" WE HAD THIS LITTLE ARGUMENT.
HE SAYS, "GO BACK OUT THERE!" SO LIKE AN IDIOT, I GO BACK OUT AND SIT DOWN IN MY LITTLE EASY CHAIR, AND I ACTUALLY HEARD THE LADY DOWN IN THE FRONT ROW SAY, "I TOLD YOU, CRYSTAL, NOT TO CLAP SO LOUD.
" - [laughs.]
- AT WHICH POINT, I JUST SAID, "I THINK I LOST A QUARTER.
" DUG DOWN INTO THE CHAIR, ACTUALLY FOUND A QUARTER, PUT IT IN MY POCKET, AND LEFT.
AND THAT WAS THE END OF THAT EVENING.
- YEAH, THOSE WERE TOUGH GIGS.
- I JUST REMEMBERED, I DID ONE CONVENTION EVER.
IT WAS FOR IBM.
AND THE MINUTE I GOT THERE, THE HEAD OF THE GUY CAME UP AND SAID, "MARTIN BILL JOHNSON.
IBM.
" AND I SAID, "MARTIN MULL.
SO DO I.
" AND, UH [laughter.]
AND THE TONE FOR THE WHOLE EVENING WAS SET.
WE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
WE BARELY GOT PAID.
BUT YOU KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF SOMEBODY SAYS THAT? - YEAH.
NO, FROM NOW ON, IF SOMEONE SAYS IT TO ME, I'M GONNA USE YOUR LINE.
- THANKS FOR SHARING, I MEAN.
- SO HOW DID YOU GET INTO COMEDY? - I WENT TO SCHOOL AND GOT MY MASTER'S.
FOUND OUT, MY GOD, THERE'S NO DOCTORATE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING IN THE REAL WORLD.
- MM-HMM.
- AND I HAD BEEN PLAYING MUSIC - YES.
- ALL THROUGH SCHOOL, JUST TO PAY MY RENT AND KEEP ME IN BEER AND CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW, AND TUITION.
AND SO WHEN THERE WAS NO MORE SCHOOLING, I HAD TO GET THE DRAFT OUT OF THE WAY, AND THAT WAS FAIRLY EASY.
AND THEN DECIDED TO GO ON THE ROAD AS A MUSICIAN.
AND I STARTED WRITING MY SONGS.
AND THAT KIND OF TURNED INTO A COMEDY ACT BECAUSE I'M AN ABYSMAL SINGER.
AND SO BEFORE EACH SONG, I WOULD MAKE THESE KIND OF EXPLANATIONS ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR, DO THE SONG, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LAUNCH INTO AN EVEN LONGER APOLOGY.
- THAT'S GREAT.
- SO OVER THE COURSE, ALL OF A SUDDEN, I REALIZED I HAD, LIKE, AN HOUR SHOW ON MY HANDS.
IT WAS BASICALLY MUSIC AND--AND COMEDY.
AND--BUT IT BECAME AN ACT, AND I MADE SOME RECORDS.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
OH, THIS IS SO CLOSE TO A THRILL.
WHEW.
GOT SOMETHING BRAND-NEW FOR YOU.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
THANK YOU.
[chuckles.]
GREAT.
[strumming guitar.]
IT'S IN THE KEY OF C, INCIDENTALLY.
I ALWAYS TELL THE AUDIENCE WHAT KEY IT'S GOING TO BE IN JUST IN CASE SOME HIPPIE BROUGHT HIS HARMONICA, WANTS TO STAND UP, AND MAKE A JERK OUT OF HIMSELF.
OKAY? KEY OF C.
[playing cheerful music.]
[music.]
[music.]
DON'T PUT OFF TILL TOMORROW [music.]
WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY [music.]
[music.]
DON'T LEAVE THINGS HALF-FINISHED [stops playing.]
THAT'S ALL I'VE DONE.
I THINK IT'S GONNA-- [laughter and applause.]
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE NICE.
- WHEN--WHEN YOU WERE OFFERED THE PRICE IS RIGHT, WAS THAT AN EASY DECISION FOR YOU TO MAKE? - NO.
I SAID "NO" FIRST THING.
- RIGHT.
- I WAS KIND OF RETIRED THEN.
I WAS REALLY INTO DOING PHOTOGRAPHY AND JUST TRAVELING AND CHILLING OUT AND, UM, WATCHING SOCCER GAMES.
AND I HAD BEEN TAKING ACTING LESSONS AND STUFF 'CAUSE I THOUGHT I MIGHT WANT TO DO MOVIES.
SO MY AGENT GOES, "I GOT THE MOST INTERESTING CALL FROM CBS CASTING.
" AND FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS, LIKE, CSI? OR-- - [laughs.]
- YOU KNOW.
[laughs.]
- YOU'RE GONNA BE A DETECTIVE OF SOME KIND.
- DETECTIVE OR MURDER SOMEBODY.
AND HE GOES--HE GOES, "WHAT WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT TAKING OVER THE PRICE IS RIGHT FROM BOB BARKER? AND I WENT, "FUCK, ARE YOU FUCKING KI--NO.
" [laughter.]
- OF COURSE.
- THAT WAS LIKE A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING OF WHAT I WAS THINKING OF.
AND I THOUGHT, LIKE, I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.
SO THAT WAS THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT.
I WAS, LIKE, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NO.
" IT WAS THE QUICKEST "NO" I'VE EVER GIVEN HIM.
- RIGHT.
- AND THEN, UM-- LIKE, IT WAS LIKE A WEEK, TEN DAYS LATER, AND HE CALLS ME BACK, AND HE SAYS, "I GOT ANOTHER CALL FROM CBS CASTING.
" AND I GO, "WHAT'S IT THIS TIME?" AND HE SAID, "THEY ASKED, 'WHAT IF WE REALLY WENT AFTER DREW?'" AND I SAID, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" THIS IS MY AGENT.
- RIGHT.
- AND HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.
PROBABLY MONEY OR SOMETHING.
" - RIGHT.
- AND I GO, "HOW MUCH MONEY WE TALKING ABOUT?" HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.
" - MM-HMM.
- AND I GO, "WHAT ARE THE-- LIKE, WHAT'S THE WORK SCHEDULE?" HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.
" [laughs.]
- SOUNDS LIKE THAT AGENT'S WORTH HIS WEIGHT IN GOLD.
- YEAH, I GO, "WHY DON'T YOU FIND OUT THESE BASIC THINGS? LIKE, HOW MUCH DOES IT PAY? WHAT ARE THE HOURS?" - "WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO?" - YEAH.
SO I THOUGHT, WELL, I SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE A MEETING WITH THEM AT CBS.
I KIND OF OWED THEM THAT.
AND THEN I MET WITH THEM, AND THEN THE BALL STARTED ROLLING FROM THERE.
- THE MONEY WAS GOOD.
- WELL, THE MONEY WAS-- THE MONEY WAS RIGHT.
AND THE PRICE WAS RIGHT.
AND THEY-- YOU KNOW, LIKE, I WAS EXCITED ABOUT THE STUFF WE COULD DO ON THE SHOW.
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD FIT FOR ME.
- YEAH, I MEAN, YOU'D DONE THE IMPROVISATION.
YOU HAD YOUR OWN SERIES, RIGHT? - YEAH, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD FIT.
AND I TALKED TO MY FRIENDS, AND THEY ALL THOUGHT IT WAS-- I GO, "YOU DON'T THINK I'M JUST GONNA BE RUINED "AS A STAND-UP COMIC 'CAUSE I'M DOING DAYTIME GAME SHOW STUFF?" AND THEY GO--THEY WENT, "NO, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" AND THEY STARTED GIVING ME EXAMPLES OF WHY IT WOULDN'T RUIN MY CAREER.
AND I THOUGHT, WELL, YEAH, I COULD DO THAT.
- WHEN YOU GOT YOUR OWN SHOW, I MEAN, DID YOU JUST-- WERE THERE OTHER SHOWS THAT YOU MODELED OR AT LEAST YOU SAID, "OKAY, I WANT IT TO BE AS GOOD AS THAT" OR-- - I WANTED MY SHOW TO BE LIKE, UM-- I KEPT--I PITCHED IT AS THE ANTI- SEINFELD.
- UH-HUH.
- 'CAUSE IT BUGGED ME, LIKE-- I LOVE THE SEINFELD SHOW, BUT IT BUGGED ME THAT THERE WAS ALL THESE SHOWS WHERE PEOPLE HAD SEEMINGLY COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY, AND THEY LIVED IN REALLY NICE PLACES, NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.
I WAS, LIKE, "YOU SHOULD HAVE A GUY WHO'S WORKING.
"YOU KNOW, AND WHERE'S THE WORKING CLASS GUY? THERE'S NOBODY ON TV.
" - SURE.
- AND SURE ENOUGH, WE WERE LIKE THE ANTI- SEINFELD.
WE WERE, LIKE, NOT AS POPULAR.
[laughs.]
DIDN'T MAKE AS MUCH MONEY.
- IT TURNED OUT-- - TURNED OUT PERFECT.
YEAH.
- THAT'S GREAT.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- SO WHEN DID FERNWOOD 2 NIGHT COME ON THE AIR? - WELL, I HAD BECOME A BIG FAN OF MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.
EVEN THOUGH I WAS ON THE ROAD, I WOULD ALWAYS WANT TO BE HOME BY 11:00 JUST TO TURN THAT ON.
AND THEN I GET A CALL TO COME AND READ FOR MARY HARTMAN.
WELL, I HAD NEVER ACTED IN EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR MY DRAFT PHYSICAL.
- [chuckles.]
- AND, UM-- AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M IN THIS OFFICE TRYING TO DO THIS THING, AND I GOT THE PART.
THEN AT THAT TIME, I WAS UNDER CONTRACT WITH NBC.
THEY HAD ME FOR A DEVELOPMENT DEAL.
BUT THEY LOANED ME OUT TO MARY HARTMAN.
AND I FIGURED, "OH, I CAN PROBABLY DO THIS HOPEFULLY.
" BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.
AND I HAD BEEN HOPEFULLY FUNNY IN MY STAGE ACT.
WELL, I'M PLAYING A WIFE ABUSER AND THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.
THERE'S NO WAY TO CLOTHE THAT, YOU KNOW, TO DRAW, YOU KNOW, SENOR WENCES ON YOUR FIST AND THEN SLUG HER.
IT'S--IT'S NOT-- - [laughs.]
- IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
IT ISN'T FUNNY.
BUT I GOT THROUGH IT, AND I WAS DOING VERY WELL, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, NBC SAID, "WELL, WE WANT HIM BACK.
" SO AFTER FOUR MONTHS, I HAD TO BE KILLED.
AND THE NEXT DAY, NBC SAID, "NO.
NO, WE ACTUALLY AREN'T GOING AHEAD.
YOU CAN CONTINUE TO DO YOUR SHOW.
" WELL, I JUST GOT KILLED.
SO I WENT TO NORMAN LEAR, AND I SAID, "HAS ANYONE IN ANY OF YOUR SHOWS EVER ASKED TO COME BACK AS THEIR TWIN BROTHER?" AND NORMAN SAID, "EVERYONE HAS ASKED TO COME BACK AS THEIR TWIN BROTHER," AND HE SAID, "BUT IN YOUR CASE, WE'LL DO IT.
" HE SAID, "I GOT THIS IDEA FOR FERNWOOD 2 NIGHT.
AND WE'LL BRING YOU BACK AND DO THAT.
" AND THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.
- DID YOU BRING IN FRED WILLARD OR-- - I MET FRED WILLARD ON THE FIRST DAY OF REHEARSAL.
- OH, YOU DID? - YEAH, NEVER MET HIM BEFORE.
- AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW FUNNY HE WAS? - OH, MY GOD.
- FUNNIEST HUMAN BEING.
- ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.
- HILARIOUS.
- YES.
- AND HILARIOUS-- LIKE, ALL DAY LONG, I MEAN, JUST IN HIS QUIRKINESS.
HE'S JUST A FUNNY PERSON.
- YEAH, I MEAN, WHEN I FIRST MET HIM AND HIS DAUGHTER-- I FIRST MET HIS DAUGHTER, SHE WAS SIX YEARS OLD.
I SAID-- AND I SAID, "FRED, YOUR DAUGHTER'S LOVELY.
" HE GOES, "OH, THAT'S NOTHING.
LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF HER.
" AND I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE THAT WAS COMING FROM.
- RIGHT.
- BUT WHERE IT WORKED OUT WELL WAS OUR SENSE OF TIMING WAS SUCH THAT WE COULD FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES VERY, VERY QUICKLY ON.
- RIGHT.
- AND THERE WAS ONE SHOW WHERE WE WERE ABOUT TWO MINUTES SHORT.
AND NORMAN SAID, "IS THERE ANYTHING "YOU AND FRED COULD CHAT ABOUT? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FUNNY.
" AND FRED AND I KIND OF CONFABBED AND SAID YES.
WE CAN HANDLE TWO MINUTES.
WELL, WE ENDED UP BEING - JUST THE TWO OF YOU IMPROVISING.
- JUST THE TWO OF US GOING.
- TOP OF THE SHOW.
- AND JUST-- IT STARTED OUT WITH, "SO, JERRY, I UNDERSTAND YOU TOOK THE BUS DOWN HERE TODAY.
" AND THEN OF COURSE, HE WOULD GO FROM THERE.
AND WE WOULD BE ALL THE WAY DOWN THE ROAD IN THE NEXT COUNTY VERY SHORTLY.
THEY LIKED IT ENOUGH THAT THEY DECIDED FROM THEN ON, BASICALLY, IT WAS PRETTY MUCH AN IMPROVISED SHOW.
- AN IMPROVISED SHOW, ONE OF THE FIRST EVER, REALLY ON TELE-- - YEAH, BUT-- BUT THANK GOD IT WAS FRED.
- DID YOU DRIVE IN TONIGHT? - UH, NO, NO.
I TAKE THE BUS IN.
- REALLY? - OH, YEAH.
I HAVE A LITTLE CELEBRITY PASS, ALLOWS ME TO RIDE THAT BUS GRATIS.
- OH, JUST LIKE THE GOLDEN AGES.
- YES.
- FULL GRATIS.
IT'S NOT EVEN CUT-RATE.
- WHAT--NO, THERE IS CUT-RATE.
I LIKE TO CALL IT GRATIS THOUGH.
BUT IT IS A CELEBRITY-- KIND OF A CELEBRITY PASS.
- REALLY? - I LIKE IT, YEAH.
- SO YOU JUST SIT THERE IN THE BACK AND WATCH THE WORLD GO BY? - NO, I LIKE TO SIT UP IN THE FRONT, IN THE COACH'S SEAT, I ALWAYS CALL IT.
WHEN OUR FOOTBALL TEAM USED TO GO ON ROAD TRIPS, THAT'S THE SEAT THE COACH SAT IN RIGHT UP IN THE FRONT SO YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW THERE.
AND YOU KIND OF FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN CONTROL.
AND I TALKED TO THE DRIVER, BARRY GREEVY, YOU KNOW, I KEEP HIM COMPANY.
- DOES HE ALLOW-- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO THE DRIVER.
I'VE READ THAT SIGN.
- THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CONVERSE WITH THE DRIVER WHILE THE BUS IS IN MOTION.
- OH, BUT AT THE STOP-- - BUT JUST ENTRE NOUS, BETWEEN YOU AND I, I DO, YEAH.
I TALK TO-- I-I TALK TO-- I TALK TO HIM.
- THAT'S GREAT.
YOU CALL IT THE COACH'S SEAT.
I REMEMBER WE HAD A TRACK TEAM, AND YOU KNOW THOSE RACKS UP THERE, THEY ALWAYS PUT THE EQUIPMENT UP THERE WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO THE TRACK MEET.
GUY IN THE BACK PUT HIS SHOT PUT UP THERE, YOU KNOW.
COACH IS SITTING IN THE FRONT, WELL, HE HIT THE BRAKES LIKE A SON OF A GUN.
THAT THING STARTED ROLLING, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, AND IT CAME RIGHT DOWN-- [both laughing.]
IT KILLED HIM.
- DID IT? [laughter.]
- WELL, YOU KNOW, AND YOU HAVE ANOTHER GREAT-- AND A HANDICAP AS A COMEDIAN.
- I HAVE MANY.
- BUT ONE THAT'S BLARING.
YOU'RE NOT JEWISH.
- I'M NOT JEWISH, NO.
- YEAH, YEAH.
AND YOUR GOOD FRIEND STEVE MARTIN IS NOT JEWISH.
THAT'S WHY YOU-- - AND STEVE AND I SHARE THAT LACK OF A HERITAGE.
WE--I THINK IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WE'RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS IS WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE BASEMENT.
YOU KNOW, THERE-- THERE'S NO--NO HISTORY THERE.
THERE'S NO NOTHING.
IT'S--IT REALLY IS.
IT'S THAT WASP LACK OF HERITAGE.
BUT WHAT IT DOES IS IT DOES CAUSE YOU TO DISCONNECT A BIT, AND I THINK THAT CAN TRANSLATE INTO SOME FORM OF COMEDIC MATERIAL.
- YEAH, DISCONNECTION IS VERY GOOD.
- TOTAL DISCONNECTION FROM THE HUMAN RACE, YEAH.
- YES.
THEN YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF IN SOME WAY.
- WHICH I HAVE TRIED TO PARLAY INTO AN ALLEGED CAREER.
- THE OTHER RARE PART IS-- 'CAUSE NEWHART IS ALSO NOT JEWISH.
THERE ARE A LOT OF NOT-JEWISH COMEDIANS.
BUT YOUR BACKGROUND IS VISUAL.
YOU--YOU COME FROM THE ART WORLD.
I MEAN, YOU WERE-- YOU ARE A PAINTER.
- I AM A PAINTER.
- AND A SUCCESSFUL ONE.
- ACTUALLY, YEAH.
[knocks on chair.]
- REALLY, IT'S AMAZING.
- YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
I ACTUALLY LIVE--SUPPORT MYSELF AS A PAINTER NOW.
- AND HOW MUCH DOES A PAINTING OF YOURS GO FOR? I'M SORRY TO BE SO CRASS, BUT-- - UM, QUITE A LOT.
- QUITE A LOT.
THAT'S JUST SO GREAT.
- YEAH.
- AND YOU'VE-- YOU'VE BEEN PAINTING ALL THE WAY THROUGH YOUR CAREER.
- IT WAS--ALL OF THIS, ALL OF THE-- THE WHOLE SHOW BUSINESS THING WAS SIMPLY A MEANS OF SUPPORTING MYSELF TO BE A PAINTER.
- TO BE A PAINTER.
- NEVER STOPPED BEING A PAINTER.
AND I JUST-- AND EVERY PAINTER OR VISUAL ARTIST I KNOW HAS TO DO SOMETHING MAYBE VAGUELY, YOU KNOW, TANGENTIALLY CONNECTED TO THE ARTS OR SOMETHING.
BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE.
WELL, I HAPPENED TO GET INTO THIS MUSIC GAME AND MADE SOME ALBUMS AND DID THIS AND THAT AND THE OTHER THING.
AND ONE THING JUST KIND OF LED TO ANOTHER.
IT WAS NEVER, LIKE, "GET MY AGENT ON THE PHONE.
I GOTTA GET THIS, I GOTTA GET THAT.
" IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
IT JUST KIND OF FELL IN MY LAP.
AND I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL, BUT I FEEL AWFUL SAYING THIS 'CAUSE I KNOW, LIKE, WITHIN A 30-MILE RADIUS OF ME SITTING HERE IN HOLLYWOOD THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT WOULD GO, "OH, YEAH, WELL--TO YOU.
" - RIGHT.
- "YOU KNOW.
I'M BUSTING MY HUMP HERE.
" - BUT IT WAS NEVER INTENTIONAL.
- AND DID YOU--WERE YOUR PAINTINGS ALWAYS SELLING? LIKE IN-- - NO.
- WAS THERE A MOMENT IN WHICH THEY STARTED TO SELL MORE THAN OTHERS? - YES, I WOULD SAY ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, THEY ALL OF A SUDDEN-- THE PRICE STARTED GOING UP, AND THE POPULARITY STARTED GOING UP.
AND THAT WAS BECAUSE, FOR SOME REASON, I GUESS MY SHOW BUSINESS CAREER HAD FINALLY ACHIEVED THAT INVISIBILITY THAT IT WAS WORKING SO HARD TO HAVE.
[laughter.]
AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE THIS-- THE--THE STAMP OF, OH, CELEBRITY ARTIST.
SO, UH--BUT WHAT HAPPENED WAS FINALLY THE WORK WAS STARTING TO BE COLLECTED BY MUSEUMS AND SOME MAJOR COLLECTIONS AND THEY STOPPED-- STARTED SAYING, HE'S A PAINTER BEFORE THEY SAID HE'S AN ACTOR OR COMEDIAN.
- YEAH, BUT YOU GOTTA GET BACK OUT THERE AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, WE--WE DON'T WANT TO DAMAGE YOUR CAREER IN ART.
- WELL, THE ROAD GIVETH AND THE ROAD TAKETH AWAY.
I-I STOPPED PLAYING WHEN PEOPLE STARTED SHOWING UP.
IT WAS HUMILIATING.
- [laughs.]
I UNDERSTAND.
THANKS, MARTIN.
- MY PLEASURE.
[applause.]
- GREAT, EXCELLENT.
DREW, TERRIFIC TO TALK TO YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- THAT'S IT? - THAT'S IT.
- I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO TELL YOU.
[laughter.]
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- [music.]
OH, THE POOR FOLKS HATE THE RICH FOLKS [music.]
AND THE RICH FOLKS HATE THE POOR FOLKS [music.]
ALL OF MY FOLKS HATE ALL OF YOUR FOLKS [music.]
IT'S AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE [music.]
BUT DURING NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK [music.]
NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK [music.]
NEW YORKERS LOVE THE PUERTO RICANS [music.]
'CAUSE IT'S VERY CHIC [music.]
STEP UP AND SHAKE THE HAND [music.]
OF SOMEONE YOU CAN'T STAND [music.]
YOU CAN TOLERATE HIM IF YOU TRY [music.]
[music.]
OH, THE PROTESTANTS HATE THE CATHOLICS [music.]
AND THE CATHOLICS HATE THE PROTESTANTS [music.]
AND THE HINDUS HATE THE MUSLIMS [music.]
AND EVERYBODY HATES THE JEWS [music.]
BUT DURING NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK [music.]
NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK [music.]
IT'S NATIONAL [music.]
"EVERYONE SMILE AT ONE ANOTHER-HOOD" WEEK [music.]
BE NICE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE INFERIOR TO YOU [music.]
IT'S ONLY FOR A WEEK, SO HAVE NO FEAR [music.]
BE GRATEFUL THAT IT DOESN'T LAST ALL YEAR [upbeat music.]
[music.]