Into the Dark (2018) s02e03 Episode Script
A Nasty Piece of Work
1 (EERIE SOUNDS, MUSIC) Into the Dark 2x03 A Nasty Piece of Work (SOFT, DARK MUSIC) (TENSE MUSIC) - (TIRES SQUEALING) - TATUM: Wait, he sent you to the Ambassador to grab his golf clubs? No, no, honey, hang on.
He mentioned he was thinking about playing golf, but that he left his clubs at the Ambassador.
Excuse me.
It is not enough to accommodate his whimsical desires.
You have to anticipate his whimsical desires.
That is what it takes to get a Christmas bonus around here.
TATUM: But fetching his golf clubs? It's like everything everything is a test.
Jesus! Heads up, man! TATUM: Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
TATUM: Ted, I know you're trying to prove yourself to him, but is it really worth giving yourself a heart attack? Honey, I'm here, I gotta go.
TATUM: Okay, I love you Ted, did you just rush off and get my golf clubs? I did.
ESSEX: My Honzu Japanese Four-Stars? TED: Well, you did mention you were thinking about squeezing in a round, so ESSEX: Are you mad? That's a $75,000 bag of clubs.
Have you any idea what the winter grass will do to the platinum-plated fairway driver? GAVIN: Jesus, Ted.
Even a weekend duffer would know to grab his Ping G10s, not his Honzu Four-Stars.
I can zip back right now.
It'll just take a second.
ESSEX: Don't bother.
Gavin, would you pop down to the Ambassador? I would ask Ted, but I'm afraid he'd come back with my polo mallet.
(GAVIN LAUGHS) Nice try, Ted.
(SOFT MUSIC) I apologize, sir.
I was just trying to show a little initiative.
Hey, who knows, maybe in the spring, I could join you at the club and you can teach me the difference.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - (EERIE MUSIC) CHOIR: We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year Good tidings to you wherever you are Good tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year ("WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS") We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year (GLASS SHATTERS) (UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING") Just tell us.
Do we get a fucking Christmas bonus or not? Come on.
But no.
These sadists make us sweat it out.
Here we go.
ESSEX: Well, I wanted to wish you all merry Christmas, but I've been told that I must consult Legal first.
It is good to learn what to avoid by studying the misfortunes of others.
A bit of wisdom from a fellow called Publilius Syrus in 45 BC.
But that ancient Latin still makes very sound business sense today.
We've seen a number of private equity companies fail in this last year, and the common thinking is it's something to do with the excessive bonuses paid out to those at the top.
Well, I'm not going to lie to you, it's been a tricky year for Falconheart.
So in the spirit of learning from the mistakes of others, there will be no end-of-year payments to our executives.
Now, I can't ask our executives to do something I wouldn't expect of the entire team.
And so I've decided to suspend all bonuses to the entire company this year.
We will all bite the bullet together as any family would.
And someone suggested a jelly of the month club, but I think you would all prefer the dignity of shared sacrifice to some fancy jams.
Am I right? Now more than ever, we must abide by the motto of Falconheart Ventures: "Brave solutions, steadfast commitment".
(SOFT MUSIC) Happy holidays.
(APPLAUSE) TATUM: I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
The dignity of shared sacrifice.
Are you fucking kidding me? At least we could have eaten the goddamn jelly.
TATUM: We'll figure something out.
Don't get worked up.
Why don't you go outside and take some deep breaths? Yeah, you know what? I should go outside.
TATUM: Good.
Just don't take this too personally.
I'm sure your boss sees how hard you work and all those extra hours you put in.
I gotta go do something.
TATUM: Wait, what do you mean? - Ted? - I love you, sweetheart.
TATUM: What are you do (EERIE MUSIC) Are you all right, Ted? I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas.
And let you know that it's an honor to work for you.
Well, I'm glad you came out here, Ted.
There's something I want to share with you about some changes coming to the firm.
I'm taking the money we usually spend on bonuses and I'm using it to create one more high-level job.
I'm implementing something called the Opportunity Initiative, which will give employees the chance to reach executive status.
Needless to say, a life-changing transformation.
Yeah, yeah, I imagine it is.
Kiwi and I are giving a dinner at the house.
Just a few folks from the firm.
I'd like you to be there.
Ring up your wife and see if she'd care to join us.
I Yes, thank you, I will.
(SOFT MUSIC) (PHONE RINGING) - TATUM: Ted.
- Hey.
Are you sitting down? TATUM: Oh, my God.
What did you do? Put on something nice.
We've been invited to the boss's house.
This is so huge for you.
Maybe.
I mean, you've seen how the guy works.
He probably thinks this will be a hilarious way to fire me.
Sweetheart, I know this whole thing with the golf clubs was humiliating, but you have to get past it.
You are incredible at your job, and you deserve a promotion.
Honey, promotions don't go to the people who deserve them.
They go to ass-kissers like Gavin.
I don't understand.
When you first started, you really believed in yourself.
You didn't used to be so cynical.
Yeah, well, I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore either.
Why do you keep looking at my earrings? - I just - What? TED: Nothing.
- It's a holiday party.
- TED: I know, I know.
It's just we're going to Steven Essex's house, and those just they kind of scream, "I'm from Des Moines".
I bet he's gonna love my earrings.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC) TED: Wow.
I can see the company is really suffering.
TATUM: Okay, I'm going to take your cynicism and keep it in the glove compartment for the rest of the night.
- And your sarcasm.
- TED: Well, now you're asking me to go in there naked.
They're gonna love naked Ted, and they're gonna love my earrings.
I don't get why there are no other cars.
(EERIE MUSIC) (TIRES SCREECHING) [SHOUTING.]
Jesus! You've gotta be kidding me.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Ted.
What are you doing here? Well, I knew wherever you were going, that's the place to be.
[WHISPERING.]
Sarcasm in the glove compartment.
GAVIN: Uh, you guys, this is Missy.
Missy, these guys.
Hello there.
Falconheart's brightest and best have arrived.
TATUM: I don't understand.
He has the same job as you, the same salary, how does he drive a Porsche? Like an asshole.
ESSEX: Good God, Missy.
I only invited Gavin so I could see what you'd be wearing.
- Mm! - MISSY: Oh! (MISSY GIGGLES) Don't wait up, Gavin.
Hello, my dear.
KIWI: Are we entertaining on the front lawn tonight, Steve? ESSEX: Kiwi's got a wild hare up her ass tonight.
TATUM: Oh, hi, I'm Tatum.
Just give her your coat.
KIWI: Jesus, I would have thought you had made drinks by now.
I don't know how he is as a boss, but he's a lousy host.
Excuse me, I'm gonna change my clothes.
No, you're not, my dear.
Follow us.
Make yourselves comfortable.
TED: So is it just us then? It is.
Are we enough for you? KIWI: We like to keep these types of events more intimate.
What about the people upstairs? KIWI: What people upstairs, darling? The staff are down here.
MISSY: Oh, what are we drinking? A 44-year-old Cognac.
You may never get another chance.
(KIWI CHUCKLES) You trying to get her drunk, Stevie? Trust me, I'm not leaving you alone with either one of them.
TED: So tell me about these guns.
STEVE: Ah, the Lee-Enfields.
The most successful bolt action rifle in history.
It came to prominence in World War I, remained in widespread British service - until the mid '60s.
- KIWI: Oh, good Christ, Steve.
Why don't you just advertise your erectile dysfunction? TED: Um, and what about the sword? STEVE: Ah, a Confederate cavalry officer's saber, used only once.
Really? When was that? On our wedding night, when Kiwi removed my testicles.
(KIWI LAUGHS) Uh, this is Rome, right? I recognize the Castel Sant'angelo.
Missy and I took our honeymoon in Rome.
- In Rome? - MISSY: Yes, dear.
It's a town in Italy.
It's a city, but I won't hold that against you.
Hm.
So do you have any children? KIWI: Steve has always believed that children should be sacrificed in the interest of occupational goals.
Behave yourself.
Define behave.
You know exactly what I mean.
It's so nice you're all here.
To new friends.
ESSEX: Remember what the Russians say about friends.
Friends are just enemies that don't have the guts to kill you.
House boy! (SOFT MUSIC) Aren't they divine? There is something so unobtainable about physical perfection.
ESSEX: And I have the plastic surgeon's bills to prove it.
You unbelievable prick.
I think the one above best resembles my wife's true features.
Just another sacrifice.
ESSEX: So, where do you stand on climate change? GAVIN: Oh, oh, okay.
Uh, well, I guess you've kind of got to take all those "studies" with a grain of salt, right? ESSEX: Are you kidding? It's absolutely terrifying what's going on out there.
They say by the year 2030 most of the planet's wine-producing regions will cease to be.
Can you imagine a world where Napa Valley can no longer produce a single bottle of Screaming Eagle Cab? I'm not sure that's a world that I want to live in.
So what do you do for a living? I'm a mediator for an insurance company.
Conflict resolution.
Oh, that's a bit counterintuitive for me.
(LAUGHS) I bet in this crazy world it keeps you very busy.
It can get a little hectic, but I don't have it as bad as Ted.
In the last few years, he's been in the office every Friday night - until midnight.
- In the office every Friday night until midnight? - I had no idea.
- TED: Yeah, it's it's no big thing.
MISSY: Oh, I just couldn't take anymore.
Gavin is really charming the pants off your husband.
Steven must be a Sagittarius.
Gavin has always had his way with a Sagittarii.
Doesn't he look so great in that suit? Everyone looks just smashing.
Well, most of us.
What did you just say? Can you show me to the powder room? Right this way.
(GAVIN AND STEVE CONVERSING) TATUM: Ted, Ted.
She's just trying to suck up.
If it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother you.
[WHISPERING.]
Honey, this is getting weird.
I feel like we're just here for their own sick pleasure.
It's like, "Let's invite the struggling couple over and wave all our expensive booze under their noses and see how much shit they'll eat".
Well, if you want to, we can go home.
But I know you can do this.
And I still think we can have a fun night.
Is it getting a little late for you there, Ted? Why don't you go on ahead? Don't worry, I'll have her back by sunup.
KIWI: What a dump, right? MISSY: Oh, you have amazing feng shui.
It must have cost you a fortune.
Well, luckily, they didn't charge us for the feng shui.
And of course they gave us a nice deal because of the murders.
So, the bathroom is just through those doors and to the left.
Wait murders? Oh, apparently there was a deranged man who lived in the crawl space between the wall, something silly like that.
Oh, I bet there are so many auras in this house.
(EERIE MUSIC) I read auras, you know.
Of course you do, darling.
TATUM: I think you're making a great impression.
Just imagine if I had my sarcasm back.
KIWI: Darling, would you be a lamb and make me a La Cali? A La Cal what? KIWI: Creme de cassis, vodka, rum, lemon, and a lump of sugar.
Oh, I'm sure you've made it a million times.
TATUM: Um, all right, sure.
I have to say that you've shown a remarkable amount of composure.
And don't think that Steve and I haven't noticed.
We have got our eye on you.
ESSEX: From the look on your face, she's probably just about in his lap.
What do they say about women? You can't live with them, you can't shoot them.
GAVIN: I don't know what I would do if Missy ever cheated around on me.
ESSEX: Well, what is it about a beautiful woman? That unique ability to make a man so miserable.
Yeah, don't get me started.
Oh, please, do tell me.
No, you don't want to hear about it.
ESSEX: Of course I do, Gavin.
Why do you think I invited you here? It's because I felt it was time to find out just what makes you tick.
Oh, well Look Missy is a necessary part of the package.
You know, you can't have the sports car and the fancy clothes without a trophy wife with a spectacular ass, right? But but but the thing is, she thinks she knows more than I do, so I gotta sit there and listen to these pearls of wisdom from a dingbat with two semesters of community college and a minor in Tarot cards.
I mean, shit, we should talk to the guys in Research and Development about coming up with an off switch, am I right? Absolutely magnificent.
Don't tell me it's impossible to get a rise out of you.
Well, not as difficult as getting a raise out of your husband.
(KIWI GIGGLES) Wordplay, I love it.
I was hoping there'd be games tonight.
Yeah, maybe a little pin the tail on the donkey.
Except I'm not too excited about being the donkey.
Oh, you're not a donkey.
You're a tiger inching your way towards the red zone, and I know you're capable of it.
I don't know what you're talk I want to meet the Ted that uses my husband's stupid platinum-plated golf clubs to bash in the bathroom mirror.
Did you believe that's something that wouldn't get around? Boo, I was hoping you'd be more fun.
Does Mrs.
Conflict Resolution share your capacity for fireworks? She can see us.
Let's put on a show for her.
- Hey.
- Oh, I am gonna get a rise out of you one way or the other.
Okay.
ESSEX [SHOUTING.]
: You filthy slut! I will not allow you to make a vile spectacle in front of my employees.
(KIWI LAUGHS) So if they weren't your employees, you'd be fine with me grabbing another man's package? Wait, what did I miss? KIWI: Oh, just another episode of Profiles in Impotence.
ESSEX: Shut your dirty mouth.
Or what? It's not like you wear the pants around here, house boy.
Out of my way, Dunlop.
I said get out of my way right now! No, please, just calm down, okay? Gavin, it could be arranged for one employee to receive a generous Christmas bonus this year.
100k and two weeks in Aruba.
[MOUTHING.]
Move.
- Oh my God.
- Jesus.
I will not be humiliated in my own home.
KIWI: I wonder if we have something interesting to read.
ESSEX: Don't turn your back on me.
- KIWI: Boring! - Turn around right now.
KIWI: Stevie, why don't you be a good boy and pour me a drink? (GUNSHOT) (COMMOTION) This is my house.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC) - Oh, my God.
Oh Okay, Mr.
Essex, you need to put down the rifle.
Mr.
Essex.
Steve! What have I done? Fuck.
No, don't! You've got to help me.
Help you? Oh, my ESSEX: What are you doing? I'm calling 9-1-1.
No, you can't do that.
TATUM: She might still be alive, okay? We have to find somebody that could help her.
ESSEX: It doesn't matter.
I'll lose everything, my entire life's work.
What? ESSEX: How can I get out of this? I would owe you everything.
Don't just stand there, say something! Forget this.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You were cleaning your gun.
You were cleaning your gun and it went off accidentally.
At 1:00 in the morning after the Christmas party.
Give me the phone, give me GAVIN: Don't, don't.
She killed herself.
- Suicide.
- Exactly.
TED: Yes, Gavin, yes, she shot herself in the back of the head from across the parlor.
Have you ever heard of ballistics? ESSEX: Okay, so what have you got? TATUM: What? No.
Ted ESSEX: They tell me Ted Phipps can think outside the box.
Can you alibi your way into a VP position? - Wait, what? - ESSEX: You heard me.
Well, self-defense.
ESSEX: Don't be ridiculous, Gavin.
Come on, Ted.
You've been waiting a lifetime for an opportunity like this.
Oh, my God.
No.
I mean, it could work if you thought she was an intruder.
Go on.
You were you were in bed.
You were you were drunk.
You maybe you took sleeping pills.
There's all sorts of precedents for the crazy shit people do on those.
You heard a noise downstairs and you thought you were being robbed.
Um, hello, burglar alarm? TED: You forgot to set the alarm because you came home drunk, and you crept downstairs in the dark.
You felt your way along the wall, you found the rifle, and you didn't realize what you had done until you until you turned on the lights.
Oh, uh, okay, okay, um, uh Um, what about the rifle fell off the wall and discharged accidentally? Yes! Or drive-by shooting.
A stray bullet just came through the window.
It happens every day.
I I can chop up the body and bury it in the backyard.
They never get a prosecution - when there's no body.
- TATUM: Did you just volunteer to chop up this woman's body? GAVIN: Okay, maybe not, but, hey, I can get this.
- Just give me a minute.
- TED: No, no, no.
Listen to me.
The four of us have to leave right now.
If the coroner puts the time of death before your security cameras catch us driving out the gate, - we are all screwed.
- TATUM: You can't be serious about this, we're accomplices here.
ESSEX: I promise you'll all be well taken care of.
- Accomplices to murder.
- MISSY: So what? You don't even know her.
ESSEX: Somebody's gonna have to make sure she's dead.
I can't possibly go near her.
Where's my drink? (SCREAMING, LAUGHTER) Oh, darling, you were so brave right up until that last moment there.
Wow! Bravo.
KIWI: Brava.
STEVE: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but after a performance like that I need a stiff drink.
KIWI: Will you top mine off, darling, while I go powder my nose? (ESSEX APPLAUDS) (SOFT MUSIC) (BELL RINGING) ESSEX: The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands in moments of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Unconventional? Yes.
Irresponsible? Probably.
And yet I learned more about you two just now than if I'd interviewed you for a week straight.
As I told Ted earlier, there is a position open at Falconheart, as I'm sure he said, a rather life-altering position, if you're thinking of running off into the night.
We're not going anywhere.
So you're up for continuing this rather unorthodox job interview? I should say, Ted, you do hold a slight advantage.
You crushed the alibi category.
This is wrong on so many levels.
But I'm here to support my husband.
(TCHAIKOVSKY'S "DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRIES") This is the library.
Gavin, it's for books.
GAVIN: So? What's next? KIWI: Drinks.
If this dunce would ever refill my glass.
I've already murdered you once tonight.
So here we are.
Nobody really admits their greatest weakness, and nobody is really aware of their greatest strength.
So, Ted, why shouldn't I give the job to Gavin? I mean, take away the suit and the haircut and what's left? What does that even mean? TED: I think under the suit and the haircut, there's nothing.
There's no soul.
(GAVIN LAUGHS) Please, Ted, give us an example of how I have no soul.
TED: Okay, um Do you know the name of the guy who comes around with the catering cart at the office every day? No.
Does that mean I don't have a soul? - It's Ronaldo.
- Guillermo.
- From Ecuador.
- El Salvador.
Same thing.
Have you ever talked to Guillermo about his family? - Of course not.
- TED: Right.
So you've never asked him about his son who has Down syndrome and is the vice president of his high school class? GAVIN: Okay, obviously I didn't know the guy's kid had Down syndrome.
TED: Yeah, I figured you didn't because of the countless times you've screamed the word "retard" near him.
- You think he cares? - He probably cares - when you scream it at him.
- GAVIN: What? - No, I I never - TED: Gavin, you called him a fucking retard last week because he didn't put lemon in your Diet Coke.
Okay, I have to be an asshole, okay? It's how you get into the club.
It's what they expect from us.
Do you think I want to be that guy? Do you think I want to drive around in a fucking Porsche that I can't afford? But that is the person that I have to project.
That's why everything that you see from my wife's dress to my fucking douchebag cufflinks is paid for on one maxed out credit card after another.
You'll always be my douchebag.
ESSEX: You made good points, Gavin.
You may now present your critique of Ted.
He's a pussy.
ESSEX: Is that the entirety of your argument? Well, like an hour ago he wanted to go home.
He asked Tatum if he could go to bed because people were being too mean.
I mean, come on.
I'd way rather have 20 dicks working for me than one thin-skinned milquetoast.
KIWI: Oh, what I wouldn't give to have 20 dicks working for me.
Ted, did you ask your wife if you could go home? Yeah.
Do you consult your wife on all big life decisions? I do.
ESSEX: Do you tell her everything? Of course.
STEVE: You wouldn't keep secrets? - No.
- KIWI: You wouldn't tell her you work every Friday night until midnight if it weren't true.
Why did she say that? Because she's trying to get a rise out of us.
GAVIN: Nah, no secrets, huh? ESSEX: Gavin, you tell your wife everything? GAVIN: Well, I mean, I don't tell her what I have for lunch every day.
MISSY: I really don't care what he eats, but it's mostly protein and fish.
That's why he's so muscular.
GAVIN: But I certainly don't keep my whereabouts from her.
ESSEX: You tell her everything, don't you, because you respect her intelligence, right? I mean, you were saying earlier how much you appreciate her insight into the business.
Ooh, I forgot to be careful with this.
It's got a voice activated memo feature.
And I never know when it's recording.
GAVIN: No, please, you don't have to do this.
(SHUSHING) No, please, please.
[RECORDING.]
Missy is a necessary part of the package.
You know, you can't have the sports car and the fancy clothes without a trophy wife - with a spectacular ass, right? - Please.
[RECORDING.]
But the thing is, she thinks she knows more than I do, so I gotta sit there and listen to these pearls of wisdom from a dingbat with two semesters of community college and a minor in Tarot cards.
I mean, shit, we should talk to the guys in Research and Development about coming up with an off switch, am I right? How could you? No, Missy, no.
Missy, no.
MISSY: No! ESSEX: I think we should all take five.
Everybody relax, have a drink.
(SNIFFLING) (EERIE MUSIC) (BANGING ON DOOR) Go away, Gavin.
ESSEX: Missy, it's Steven.
Come on out, I want to apologize.
You can't stay in there.
Well, where would you sleep, in the bathtub? You'll ruin that beautiful dress.
I need to apologize.
You can't see me, but I'm on my knees.
I look pathetic.
You'll have to help me up.
I ruined my knees playing squash at Oxford.
I'm really sorry.
I am an incorrigible bastard.
I don't think you understand how important this is to us.
But I do.
I know the money worries you and Gavin have.
Do you think I'd come this far without having you vetted thoroughly? MISSY: You don't know what it's like to have this desperate weight on you every single day.
Sure you would do absolutely anything to get out from under this awful burden.
He would do anything for this.
I said you.
Would you do anything? There's only one thing I want.
A kiss.
I've been thinking what it would be like to have one brief, soft kiss from that perfectly lovely mouth.
Thank you, my dear.
That was every bit as lovely as I'd imagined.
There is one other thing I've been thinking about since we first met.
Trust me, the things I've done to get where I am would make you blush.
Hm.
Now, Missy, a girl like you, you know how it goes from here.
Baby, I am so sorry.
No, it's fine.
No, hey, hey, look at me.
I just said what I thought he wanted to hear.
I didn't mean any of it.
I said I'm fine.
(ESSEX HUMMING) KIWI: What did you do to her, you worm? What are you talking about? KIWI: Look at her! She was perfectly unfazed by me getting the top of my head blown off, but you follow her into the bathroom and she's completely gone to pieces? She wanted to divorce her husband five minutes ago and yet now she just runs into his arms.
What did you do to her? You have a fertile imagination.
Perhaps I should give you the job.
Oh, wait, your only qualification is 25 years of draining expense accounts.
(ESSEX HUMMING) (TENSE MUSIC) (GUN COCKING) (ESSEX HUMMING) TED: Okay, this again.
ESSEX: Give it a rest, darling.
- You're not fooling anyone.
- Oh, I'll do it.
I will obliterate those useless testicles of yours.
Jesus.
Oh, you find this amusing, Gavin? That my husband most likely slobbered all over your wife? Are you so stupid that you actually find that amusing? I think stupid would be falling for the same routine twice in the span of, like, an hour.
(LAUGHING) Oh, yes.
Just another phase of the interview.
Well, maybe this isn't a test of smarts, Gavin.
Maybe this is a test of bravery.
Raise one hand.
(TENSE MUSIC) I'm sure you remember that there were two rifles.
Is it possible that one of them was loaded with blanks while the other contains actual bullets? Well, you took the first round, Phipps, so I guess I don't really have a choice.
But with all due respect, I don't think either of you should quit your day jobs and move to Hollywood.
"Brave solutions and steadfast commitment".
- (GUNSHOT) - Oh, Jesus! (SCREAMING) Fuck! (VOMITING, SCREAMING) What have you done, you bedlamite? KIWI: Well, who puts their hand in front of a gun? (COUGHING, SHOUTING IN AGONY) My dear boy, I am beyond contrite.
Kiwi, don't we have a first aid kit somewhere? I think it's with the cleaning supplies.
Do I look like I know where to find cleaning supplies? Oh, God, help us.
TATUM: Okay, now I'm calling 911.
No, don't, not a chance! I'm staying here! - What? - What? - What? - TATUM: Gavin! You are seriously hurt.
And you are seriously fucking crazy if you think I'm gonna walk away from an opportunity like this.
I bet I bet this puts me in the lead now.
Okay, Gavin, you know what, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that just a little, but I think we need to officially call it a night.
GAVIN: Great, great.
I'll see you on Monday.
Might need a little help moving into my new office.
Yeah, he might need you and the retard to carry some boxes for him! (GAVIN BREATHING HEAVILY) Okay, that's enough.
We're staying.
(MUMBLING) (KIWI SCREAMS) - ESSEX: Kiwi, not again! - GAVIN: Fuck! ESSEX: Your antics are growing tiresome.
KIWI: Screw you, Steven! This time it's for real! ESSEX: You're being a very silly girl.
(CONCRETE SCRAPING) You can just go to hell! ESSEX: It can't be any worse than living with you.
KIWI: Well, you're not gonna have to worry about that very much longer, are you? Ah, come by the fire.
(KIWI SOBBING) - TATUM: Is she all right? - KIWI: Apparently not! Apparently I always ruin everything! Isn't that right, Steven? Uh, there was some talk about first aid? Yes, I was waylaid by this impromptu performance of Lady Macbeth.
Meanwhile, take these.
- What are they? - I don't know.
I found them under a sofa cushion, so they must do something fun.
TATUM: She wouldn't really ESSEX: Oh, I've lost count of the number of times she's threatened to kill herself, but her reasons aren't without merit.
You see, there was a horrific accident involving our son.
A mother's worst nightmare.
But, Tatum, you're a moderator.
Mediator.
ESSEX: You could go and talk to her.
Offer some soothing words.
[WHISPERING.]
And whilst you're there, give that cherub the faintest nudge.
KIWI [SHARPLY.]
: I heard that.
(SOFT MUSIC) ESSEX: You may have to give up badminton and croquet for a few weeks.
GAVIN: It's cool if I leave for workers' comp? KIWI: I really like your boots.
I've been meaning to tell you.
TATUM: Thanks.
I got 'em at Bergdorf.
I wouldn't necessarily brag about that.
So it seems like you're feeling like your husband was a bit hard on you after you shot Gavin.
KIWI: Why do we put up with these repulsive brutes? We support them, but when it's their time to return the favor (CHUCKLES) Well Does he support you, darling? Does he believe in you in your time of need? Would you be a dear and grab me a towel? It's just in the cabinet room, just through those doors.
(TENSE MUSIC) I've got wet feet.
TATUM: I don't see anything in here, besides the tissues.
KIWI: It's all the way in the back.
You have to reach in.
TATUM: Oh, oh, okay.
(SCREAMING) (INTENSE MUSIC) (PANTING) TED: What? What happened? Somebody grabbed me, in that room, in the cabinet.
Someone in the cabinet? You really can't hold your liquor.
I am not drunk.
Okay, are you sure there's not someone else in the house? Because earlier, I really thought I saw ESSEX: I'm not sure I like the implication that we've got some poor soul locked away in between the walls.
(TENSE MUSIC) Maybe you got your hand snagged on something? Yes, where are they when we need their support? (SPLASHING) (LIGHT MUSIC) - - MISSY: It's okay, baby.
TED: Hey.
Hey! - TATUM: What? - TED: I'm sorry.
I really am.
I should've had your back.
TATUM: I guess you're not the only one set up to be humiliated tonight.
(TATUM SIGHS) (GLASSES CLINK) ESSEX: Oh, come on.
How are you feeling? GAVIN: Nice, like, really nice.
I'm 110% committed.
I just want to make sure that you know that.
Yes, I believe you are.
GAVIN: This, this is what you need.
You need a new executive like this.
Someone who will ride into battle with total and complete loyalty.
Would you like to try it on? Could I? Be my guest.
Phippses, Dunlops.
I have a confession to make.
I haven't been entirely forthcoming in describing the parameters of The Initiative Agenda.
The Opportunity Initiative.
ESSEX: One of you will ring in the new year with an enviable new role at Falconheart Ventures.
GAVIN: Do you have a horse? I just feel like I want to get on top of the biggest fucking horse right now.
ESSEX: No, Gavin, we don't keep horses.
I wasn't exaggerating earlier.
It's been a lean year for Falconheart.
What's allowing us to create a new executive position is the elimination of the two positions you currently hold.
So it's a bit of an addition by subtraction conundrum.
A single position, two candidates, one of whom will become expendable.
"Again and again, the impossible problem is solved when we see that the problem is only a tough decision waiting to be made".
Dr.
Robert Schuller.
"There can be only one".
Highlander.
TED: God, Gavin, would you sit the fuck down? They're lying! This has all been made up.
The Opportunity Initiative, the company having a bad year, the screaming matches, the tragic accident with their child.
It's all made-up bullshit! - (SLAPS) - Hey! (GROANS) - How dare you? - ESSEX: I'll have you know that only my tax returns are made-up bullshit.
Yeah, you have no right to talk.
We all know you're full of shit.
I mean, what do you do every Friday until midnight, huh? GAVIN: Yeah, Ted, 'cause I'm there late on Fridays and I sure as hell don't see you there until midnight.
You know what, he doesn't have to explain anything to you.
MISSY: You have a little piece of meat on the side, Ted? I've seen the way you look at me.
I can feel your stare on the back of my neck.
Oh, get the hell outta here.
Or what, you're gonna smash my head in with one of the boss's golf clubs? - You shut your fucking mouth! - Ted.
MISSY: Must be scary to live with someone like that.
Probably a Scorpio.
GAVIN: Okay, let's do this.
You and me, motherfucker.
(SCOFFS) You think that'll get you a promotion, Gavin? Huh? Even though the concept of a CEO having two of his employees battle it out like like pit bulls in a basement is totally beyond anything that actually happens on planet Earth? They're fucking with us, man! Well, guess what, I'm fine with that.
So you would be fine with killing another person for nothing more than their sick holiday pageant? I'm ready to do whatever it takes.
Well, are you gonna kill my wife as well? Because you would probably have to.
TATUM: Gavin, I know that you feel like you should say y Yes.
- What about your wife? - What about my wife? TED: If Essex offered you a million dollars right now, would you kill Missy? When you say a million dollars, you mean one million dollars, or like an annual salary of a million dollars? (SCREAMING) What? I was just making sure I understood the question! [SHOUTING.]
You shit! The fact that you had to even stop to think about it! What? What do you want from me? What if the situation was reversed? What?! Be honest, when you do your Ideal Success Visualization Exercises, - am I the one you're married to? - My what? She doesn't even do Ideal Success Visualization Exercises.
How does a person set benchmarks for their personal life goals? ESSEX: I know, it's shocking.
Come with me, Gavin.
Let's find somewhere where you can sit down and relax.
Take it easy.
Take the weight off your weary feet.
Here we are, tuck your little butt in there, and when you're ready, press the red button.
And Gavin, I know you would never lay a finger on your lovely wife.
(CHAIR RUMBLING, METAL RATTLING) Still, I do appreciate that you even considered making such a sacrifice.
(SOFT MUSIC) (CHAIR RUMBLING, METAL RATTLING) What the hell do you know about sacrifice? What kind of a sacrifice have you ever made in your entire privileged life? Oh, I can tell you exactly the kind of history this man has had with sacrifice.
Not now.
I believe Steven said something earlier about our son.
Our Jim.
Our poor Jim.
Our beautiful Jim.
Did Steven mention how little time he actually spent with our child? Always working I'll not have you dredging - Always traveling.
- Enough! Yet, Steven was home one weekend, and Jim, our Jim, stuck in that boarding school, wanting to see his father so badly, stole the keys to a staff member's car.
(SOMBER MUSIC) At only 12, he had the wherewithal to steal a car and drive in the dead of night.
(METAL RATTLING) It was less than a mile.
Oh, just less than a mile from the house when it happened.
So, don't believe for a second that my husband knows nothing about making a sacrifice for his career.
So, what happened? Did the little bugger swerve to avoid hitting a porcupine? TATUM: Ted, would you stop being so cruel? I don't know, Tatum, will you stop being so naive? Can't you grasp the idea that there are twisted people in this world who might just tell a grotesque lie for their own perverse pleasure? So if all of this is bullshit, Ted, if you really believe that there is no promotion, then what are we doing here? We're riding this out for what? To prove that you're smart? Okay, we get it.
You are smart.
But you don't get to talk to me like I'm a rube.
You're not a rube! You're a radiant diamond.
Let me pour you a brandy.
Nothing fancy for me, I'm just a dumb hick.
I'm fine just drinking out of the fucking toilet.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Well, thank you, Kiwi.
Is anybody still talking to anybody? GAVIN: I'm here! I think we should all call it a night.
But (METAL RATTLING) (GROANS) - But - ESSEX: I'll render my decision on Monday.
(GROANS) Ted, you should probably go ahead and warm up the car.
It seems your wife might need a moment.
(DARK MUSIC) Gavin, there is a piece I want to show you.
I thought you'd like it.
(EERIE MUSIC) Hey! (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) (DARK MUSIC) (DOOR HANDLE RATTLING) Hello? (BANG) (TENSE MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) GAVIN [SHOUTING.]
: I am a powerful, successful person! (SMASHING) (TED GROANING) [CONFUSED.]
What the fuck? (DARK MUSIC) (HANDLE CLATTERS) (SCREAMING) (INTENSE MUSIC) (GAVIN SCREAMING) (GAVIN SCREAMING) ESSEX: Choose wisely.
So, you got a 50-50 chance.
But guess what that means.
That means I've got a 50-50 chance.
So this whole night Fuck the whole night! Your whole life comes down to a coin toss.
So you gotta ask yourself, do you feel lucky? (GUNSHOT, GLASS SHATTERING) Shit.
(DARK MUSIC) (TREMBLING) Why stop now, Ted? Let me guess: Because it wouldn't be a fair way of making it to the top, hmm? You know something, Ted? It will never be fair, because the playing field is always tilted one direction.
But by simply pulling that trigger, you'll reserve yourself a first-class seat on the tilted side.
(MUSIC INTENSIFYING) (TED GROANING) (PANTING) (SOFT MUSIC) (TED BREATHING HEAVILY) TATUM: Ted.
Ted! - Let me see, let me see.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll do it, I'll do it, I'm fine.
MISSY: What happened? ESSEX: Just Ted snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
(SLAMS RIFLE) I mean, really! You were so close to winning! TED: No, no.
The only way I win is if I don't play the game because there is no promotion.
It's all just stories and lies and make-believe bullshit so you and your psychotic wife can get your rocks off.
(GAVIN GROANS) GAVIN: Take it easy on 'em.
They lost their son.
TED [SHOUTING.]
: No, they didn't, Gavin! It's a joke! It's from a play! Jesus Christ, maybe if you read something other than Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
ESSEX: It seems you still need convincing.
I think you should wake him up and invite him to meet our guests.
(SNICKERING) Yay! Do you think it's him? Are we gonna have a séance? Hey, I'm sorry for everything, I am, but this is out of control.
We need to go right now, okay? Okay.
- (DOOR OPENING) - KIWI: Ho, ho, ho! I hear there are some naughty boys and girls in here! (KIWI LAUGHING, CHAIR WHIRRING) (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Say hi to Santa.
That's it, all the way around the room.
Santa's gotta see everybody.
(KIWI SNICKERING) Ahh! Ta-da! (KIWI LAUGHING) Everyone, this is Jim.
Jim, this is everyone.
I'd go around the room, but he's terrible with names.
Oh my God.
You didn't.
(DARK MUSIC) Oh, look at that, Ted.
He likes you, that's uncanny.
I have so much admiration for the both of you.
I can only imagine what a burden he must be.
Oh, don't be silly.
That's why we hire people.
MISSY: Well, he looks very comfortable in his chair.
KIWI: Well, hop onboard! He'd love to take you for a spin.
- Oh, I - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Just think of him as Santa.
You can tell him everything you want for Christmas.
Come on, right on.
That's it.
Oh sorry.
(KIWI LAUGHING) Please stop this.
KIWI [SINGING.]
: Oh, here we go round the mulberry bush.
(KIWI LAUGHING) (JIM GROANING) (KIWI LAUGHING) MISSY: I I think I've had enough.
(KIWI LAUGHING) Can you can you stop, please? Please stop.
Please, just stop! [SHOUTING.]
Please stop! (JIM GROANS) GAVIN: Wow, Ted.
Looks like an apology is in order, or maybe even grounds for dismissal.
ESSEX: Oh, I think Ted feels awful about doubting us.
I mean, just look at him.
TATUM: Ted, it's okay to be wrong.
Just just say you're sorry.
ESSEX: It's all right.
I think if we just have a drink, it'll all be water under the bridge.
To water under the bridge.
ESSEX: Down the hatch, Sunny Jim.
(JIM GAGGING) Oh, he's enjoying this.
KIWI: Oh, Jim! Oh, my poor baby's made a mess of himself, hasn't he? Oh, baby.
Oh, God.
Oh, shh.
Shh.
That's a good boy.
Stop it.
[SHOUTING.]
Stop it, stop it! Get the fuck away from him! ESSEX: I'll thank you not to point a gun and scream at my wife.
That's my job.
Besides, you might end up hitting poor Jim.
Stop calling him that! His name is not Jim! His name is Daniel! TATUM: Ted, tell me what's going on.
(TED GROANS) Before we were married, three years ago, I guess, I hadn't been at the company that long, and he sent me out to get an anniversary gift for his wife.
I was racing back to bring him the earrings, and I was trying so hard to get noticed and get ahead.
I guess I was probably driving too fast.
And Daniel was riding his bike.
It was dark.
I never even saw him.
I just heard the thump.
Oh my God.
(SOBS) GAVIN: Was he wearing a helmet? I mean, if he was riding his bike without a helmet, I'm not a lawyer, but Gavin, will you please just shut up? So, this entire time you never told me? (SIGHS) (SOFT MUSIC) TED: They put him in a permanent facility, but he didn't have anyone, so I started going to see him Fridays after work.
So he did have a piece of meat on the side.
How can this be your idea of fun? Ted, you've forgotten that opportunity is the theme of this evening.
Before you is the anchor that has undermined your success for years.
In your hands, you have the instrument of opportunity.
Jesus Christ, Ted! You'd be doing him a kindness.
Now, look at your beautiful wife and think of the life you're denying her.
I don't want a life like this, a life where all your pleasure centers get so dulled, this is what you have to do for kicks.
(SLAMS RIFLE) Fuck this life.
I'm taking him back home.
Ah, but there's the rub, Ted.
You see, our Jim is already at home.
His care facility was delighted to place this piece of driftwood in a financially sturdy household.
So, you can put him out of his misery or you can leave him to the tender mercies of Kiwi and myself, but what you cannot do is walk out of here with him.
GAVIN [ENTHUSIASTICALLY.]
: I'll do it! TED: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Gavin, stop! Gavin, listen to me, you gotta believe me, this will not get you what you want.
Get the fuck outta my way or I'll shoot you right now! Wait, wait, how do you know it's the right one? Because this is the gun this shitbird used to shoot the flowers in the hallway.
See, I pay attention to details.
"It's the little details that are vital.
Little things make big things happen".
UCLA men's basketball coach John Wooden.
TED: Oh my God, just kill me now.
With pleasure.
(GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) (TED GROANING) It's like this shit is rigged against me! ESSEX: Well, that's the first astute observation you've made all night.
Did you know that antique rifle magazines can be remotely switched from blanks to live rounds? Allow me to demonstrate.
Gavin, would you shoot the African white rhinoceros on the wall? (BUTTON CLICKS) (GUNSHOT) Excellent, now, point your rifle at Ted.
(RIFLE RELOADING) (GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) It's the same with the other gun.
Uh, Ted, would you take a shot at the rhino? (TED GROANS) (TED SIGHS) [WHISPERS.]
Oh God.
(GUNSHOT) [UNAMUSED.]
Haha, very funny.
Now point your rifle at Gavin.
(GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) (KIWI LAUGHING) Fuck! ESSEX: Oh, I just couldn't resist it! I'm sorry, Gavin, but you never had a chance! I'd just as soon as give the promotion to this sack of yams.
No, tonight was all about Ted.
Smart, talented.
The only question is whether or not he could go the extra mile, and for that we needed cannon fodder.
I was never in the running? But I leveraged my entire future to impress you! Dodging debt collectors, praying every day you'd make me an executive! [SHOUTING.]
I'm the one that can do it! Switch it back, let me show you! - No, no, no.
- TATUM: Gavin, put it down.
[SHOUTING.]
He really wants it, Ted! You'd better kill the man! TED: Gavin, put it down.
Just, I have to have this, let me do it.
- No! - GAVIN: I want it more than you.
[HYSTERICAL.]
I want it more than anything! He makes an interesting argument! Goddamnit, Gavin! ESSEX: I'm reconsidering, Ted! What are you gonna do about this? - Ted! - GAVIN: Just let me do it! Show me you're the kind of man who can take his future into his own (GUNSHOT, THUD) (EXHALES) "Brave solutions, steadfast commitment".
Holy shit.
Are you out of your fucking minds? I never signed up for any of this! Wait, what? [SHOUTING.]
What the fuck? That whole thing was an act? It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Are you fucking kidding me? How long have you been plotting this? You could've had it all.
You Podunk piece of trash with your cheap fucking boots! (GUNSHOT, SCREAMS) (SOFT MUSIC) (TATUM BREATHING HEAVILY) TATUM: Let's go home.
DANIEL: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Is it safe to come out? TED: Hey, do you have any idea how twisted you are? This entire time you've just been pretending Ted.
(DARK MUSIC) That's weird.
(TATUM SCREAMS) What the fuck is this now? (DOOR CREAKING OPEN) (VOCALISTS CHANTING) WHITE HAIR: For a while there, we thought you were one of us, Ted.
What a waste.
SECOND EXECUTIVE: Some men just can't put the boot on the throat when they have the other guy down.
THIRD EXECUTIVE: Like Boris Becker at Monte Carlo in '95.
Maddening.
DANIEL: Hey, you said they'd both be shooting blanks.
WHITE HAIR: What can I say? Essex expected Ted to kill Gavin.
DANIEL: And what if he decided to kill me? WHITE HAIR: He was 90% sure Ted wouldn't shoot you.
DANIEL: How could you do that to me? I've been pretending to be a vegetable every Friday night for three years! We paid you handsomely for your acting services, didn't we? MISSY: I knew you looked familiar.
Did you do an episode of General Hospital? Hold on, hold on.
So you you saw what happened in there.
WHITE HAIR: We saw everything.
(DARK MUSIC) Do you have any idea what you've done? [SHOUTING.]
Any idea? You have eliminated nearly $40 million in salary and benefits off our books for the next fiscal year! Genius.
Why didn't I think of it? THIRD EXECUTIVE: Let's not forget Kiwi.
My Lord, that woman could abuse an expense account.
It's a miracle! A Christmas miracle! WHITE HAIR: Truly a Christmas miracle! (EXECUTIVES LAUGHING) (CHRISTMAS MUSIC) Merry Christmas! Woo-hoo! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Hello, happy holidays to you, sir.
THIRD EXECUTIVE: Thank you.
Great choices.
(LAUGHING) What a wonderful evening, huh? MISSY: Pardon my husband's appearance.
It's just it's been a night.
(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION) So it seems to me, in light of everything that's happened tonight, there really is a vacancy at the executive level.
True, I suppose there is.
And I think it's fair to say that one of you has clearly demonstrated themselves to be Falconheart executive material.
(LIGHT JAZZ VERSION OF "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS") TED: Guillermo! What's up, buddy? How's that hand treatin' you? (TED CHUCKLING) You diddle your mother with that finger? I'll diddle your mother.
TATUM: Hey! Boys.
Get to work.
(BRIGHT MUSIC) - (VIBRANT MUSIC) - (UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING")
He mentioned he was thinking about playing golf, but that he left his clubs at the Ambassador.
Excuse me.
It is not enough to accommodate his whimsical desires.
You have to anticipate his whimsical desires.
That is what it takes to get a Christmas bonus around here.
TATUM: But fetching his golf clubs? It's like everything everything is a test.
Jesus! Heads up, man! TATUM: Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
TATUM: Ted, I know you're trying to prove yourself to him, but is it really worth giving yourself a heart attack? Honey, I'm here, I gotta go.
TATUM: Okay, I love you Ted, did you just rush off and get my golf clubs? I did.
ESSEX: My Honzu Japanese Four-Stars? TED: Well, you did mention you were thinking about squeezing in a round, so ESSEX: Are you mad? That's a $75,000 bag of clubs.
Have you any idea what the winter grass will do to the platinum-plated fairway driver? GAVIN: Jesus, Ted.
Even a weekend duffer would know to grab his Ping G10s, not his Honzu Four-Stars.
I can zip back right now.
It'll just take a second.
ESSEX: Don't bother.
Gavin, would you pop down to the Ambassador? I would ask Ted, but I'm afraid he'd come back with my polo mallet.
(GAVIN LAUGHS) Nice try, Ted.
(SOFT MUSIC) I apologize, sir.
I was just trying to show a little initiative.
Hey, who knows, maybe in the spring, I could join you at the club and you can teach me the difference.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - (EERIE MUSIC) CHOIR: We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year Good tidings to you wherever you are Good tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year ("WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS") We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year (GLASS SHATTERS) (UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING") Just tell us.
Do we get a fucking Christmas bonus or not? Come on.
But no.
These sadists make us sweat it out.
Here we go.
ESSEX: Well, I wanted to wish you all merry Christmas, but I've been told that I must consult Legal first.
It is good to learn what to avoid by studying the misfortunes of others.
A bit of wisdom from a fellow called Publilius Syrus in 45 BC.
But that ancient Latin still makes very sound business sense today.
We've seen a number of private equity companies fail in this last year, and the common thinking is it's something to do with the excessive bonuses paid out to those at the top.
Well, I'm not going to lie to you, it's been a tricky year for Falconheart.
So in the spirit of learning from the mistakes of others, there will be no end-of-year payments to our executives.
Now, I can't ask our executives to do something I wouldn't expect of the entire team.
And so I've decided to suspend all bonuses to the entire company this year.
We will all bite the bullet together as any family would.
And someone suggested a jelly of the month club, but I think you would all prefer the dignity of shared sacrifice to some fancy jams.
Am I right? Now more than ever, we must abide by the motto of Falconheart Ventures: "Brave solutions, steadfast commitment".
(SOFT MUSIC) Happy holidays.
(APPLAUSE) TATUM: I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
The dignity of shared sacrifice.
Are you fucking kidding me? At least we could have eaten the goddamn jelly.
TATUM: We'll figure something out.
Don't get worked up.
Why don't you go outside and take some deep breaths? Yeah, you know what? I should go outside.
TATUM: Good.
Just don't take this too personally.
I'm sure your boss sees how hard you work and all those extra hours you put in.
I gotta go do something.
TATUM: Wait, what do you mean? - Ted? - I love you, sweetheart.
TATUM: What are you do (EERIE MUSIC) Are you all right, Ted? I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas.
And let you know that it's an honor to work for you.
Well, I'm glad you came out here, Ted.
There's something I want to share with you about some changes coming to the firm.
I'm taking the money we usually spend on bonuses and I'm using it to create one more high-level job.
I'm implementing something called the Opportunity Initiative, which will give employees the chance to reach executive status.
Needless to say, a life-changing transformation.
Yeah, yeah, I imagine it is.
Kiwi and I are giving a dinner at the house.
Just a few folks from the firm.
I'd like you to be there.
Ring up your wife and see if she'd care to join us.
I Yes, thank you, I will.
(SOFT MUSIC) (PHONE RINGING) - TATUM: Ted.
- Hey.
Are you sitting down? TATUM: Oh, my God.
What did you do? Put on something nice.
We've been invited to the boss's house.
This is so huge for you.
Maybe.
I mean, you've seen how the guy works.
He probably thinks this will be a hilarious way to fire me.
Sweetheart, I know this whole thing with the golf clubs was humiliating, but you have to get past it.
You are incredible at your job, and you deserve a promotion.
Honey, promotions don't go to the people who deserve them.
They go to ass-kissers like Gavin.
I don't understand.
When you first started, you really believed in yourself.
You didn't used to be so cynical.
Yeah, well, I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore either.
Why do you keep looking at my earrings? - I just - What? TED: Nothing.
- It's a holiday party.
- TED: I know, I know.
It's just we're going to Steven Essex's house, and those just they kind of scream, "I'm from Des Moines".
I bet he's gonna love my earrings.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC) TED: Wow.
I can see the company is really suffering.
TATUM: Okay, I'm going to take your cynicism and keep it in the glove compartment for the rest of the night.
- And your sarcasm.
- TED: Well, now you're asking me to go in there naked.
They're gonna love naked Ted, and they're gonna love my earrings.
I don't get why there are no other cars.
(EERIE MUSIC) (TIRES SCREECHING) [SHOUTING.]
Jesus! You've gotta be kidding me.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Ted.
What are you doing here? Well, I knew wherever you were going, that's the place to be.
[WHISPERING.]
Sarcasm in the glove compartment.
GAVIN: Uh, you guys, this is Missy.
Missy, these guys.
Hello there.
Falconheart's brightest and best have arrived.
TATUM: I don't understand.
He has the same job as you, the same salary, how does he drive a Porsche? Like an asshole.
ESSEX: Good God, Missy.
I only invited Gavin so I could see what you'd be wearing.
- Mm! - MISSY: Oh! (MISSY GIGGLES) Don't wait up, Gavin.
Hello, my dear.
KIWI: Are we entertaining on the front lawn tonight, Steve? ESSEX: Kiwi's got a wild hare up her ass tonight.
TATUM: Oh, hi, I'm Tatum.
Just give her your coat.
KIWI: Jesus, I would have thought you had made drinks by now.
I don't know how he is as a boss, but he's a lousy host.
Excuse me, I'm gonna change my clothes.
No, you're not, my dear.
Follow us.
Make yourselves comfortable.
TED: So is it just us then? It is.
Are we enough for you? KIWI: We like to keep these types of events more intimate.
What about the people upstairs? KIWI: What people upstairs, darling? The staff are down here.
MISSY: Oh, what are we drinking? A 44-year-old Cognac.
You may never get another chance.
(KIWI CHUCKLES) You trying to get her drunk, Stevie? Trust me, I'm not leaving you alone with either one of them.
TED: So tell me about these guns.
STEVE: Ah, the Lee-Enfields.
The most successful bolt action rifle in history.
It came to prominence in World War I, remained in widespread British service - until the mid '60s.
- KIWI: Oh, good Christ, Steve.
Why don't you just advertise your erectile dysfunction? TED: Um, and what about the sword? STEVE: Ah, a Confederate cavalry officer's saber, used only once.
Really? When was that? On our wedding night, when Kiwi removed my testicles.
(KIWI LAUGHS) Uh, this is Rome, right? I recognize the Castel Sant'angelo.
Missy and I took our honeymoon in Rome.
- In Rome? - MISSY: Yes, dear.
It's a town in Italy.
It's a city, but I won't hold that against you.
Hm.
So do you have any children? KIWI: Steve has always believed that children should be sacrificed in the interest of occupational goals.
Behave yourself.
Define behave.
You know exactly what I mean.
It's so nice you're all here.
To new friends.
ESSEX: Remember what the Russians say about friends.
Friends are just enemies that don't have the guts to kill you.
House boy! (SOFT MUSIC) Aren't they divine? There is something so unobtainable about physical perfection.
ESSEX: And I have the plastic surgeon's bills to prove it.
You unbelievable prick.
I think the one above best resembles my wife's true features.
Just another sacrifice.
ESSEX: So, where do you stand on climate change? GAVIN: Oh, oh, okay.
Uh, well, I guess you've kind of got to take all those "studies" with a grain of salt, right? ESSEX: Are you kidding? It's absolutely terrifying what's going on out there.
They say by the year 2030 most of the planet's wine-producing regions will cease to be.
Can you imagine a world where Napa Valley can no longer produce a single bottle of Screaming Eagle Cab? I'm not sure that's a world that I want to live in.
So what do you do for a living? I'm a mediator for an insurance company.
Conflict resolution.
Oh, that's a bit counterintuitive for me.
(LAUGHS) I bet in this crazy world it keeps you very busy.
It can get a little hectic, but I don't have it as bad as Ted.
In the last few years, he's been in the office every Friday night - until midnight.
- In the office every Friday night until midnight? - I had no idea.
- TED: Yeah, it's it's no big thing.
MISSY: Oh, I just couldn't take anymore.
Gavin is really charming the pants off your husband.
Steven must be a Sagittarius.
Gavin has always had his way with a Sagittarii.
Doesn't he look so great in that suit? Everyone looks just smashing.
Well, most of us.
What did you just say? Can you show me to the powder room? Right this way.
(GAVIN AND STEVE CONVERSING) TATUM: Ted, Ted.
She's just trying to suck up.
If it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother you.
[WHISPERING.]
Honey, this is getting weird.
I feel like we're just here for their own sick pleasure.
It's like, "Let's invite the struggling couple over and wave all our expensive booze under their noses and see how much shit they'll eat".
Well, if you want to, we can go home.
But I know you can do this.
And I still think we can have a fun night.
Is it getting a little late for you there, Ted? Why don't you go on ahead? Don't worry, I'll have her back by sunup.
KIWI: What a dump, right? MISSY: Oh, you have amazing feng shui.
It must have cost you a fortune.
Well, luckily, they didn't charge us for the feng shui.
And of course they gave us a nice deal because of the murders.
So, the bathroom is just through those doors and to the left.
Wait murders? Oh, apparently there was a deranged man who lived in the crawl space between the wall, something silly like that.
Oh, I bet there are so many auras in this house.
(EERIE MUSIC) I read auras, you know.
Of course you do, darling.
TATUM: I think you're making a great impression.
Just imagine if I had my sarcasm back.
KIWI: Darling, would you be a lamb and make me a La Cali? A La Cal what? KIWI: Creme de cassis, vodka, rum, lemon, and a lump of sugar.
Oh, I'm sure you've made it a million times.
TATUM: Um, all right, sure.
I have to say that you've shown a remarkable amount of composure.
And don't think that Steve and I haven't noticed.
We have got our eye on you.
ESSEX: From the look on your face, she's probably just about in his lap.
What do they say about women? You can't live with them, you can't shoot them.
GAVIN: I don't know what I would do if Missy ever cheated around on me.
ESSEX: Well, what is it about a beautiful woman? That unique ability to make a man so miserable.
Yeah, don't get me started.
Oh, please, do tell me.
No, you don't want to hear about it.
ESSEX: Of course I do, Gavin.
Why do you think I invited you here? It's because I felt it was time to find out just what makes you tick.
Oh, well Look Missy is a necessary part of the package.
You know, you can't have the sports car and the fancy clothes without a trophy wife with a spectacular ass, right? But but but the thing is, she thinks she knows more than I do, so I gotta sit there and listen to these pearls of wisdom from a dingbat with two semesters of community college and a minor in Tarot cards.
I mean, shit, we should talk to the guys in Research and Development about coming up with an off switch, am I right? Absolutely magnificent.
Don't tell me it's impossible to get a rise out of you.
Well, not as difficult as getting a raise out of your husband.
(KIWI GIGGLES) Wordplay, I love it.
I was hoping there'd be games tonight.
Yeah, maybe a little pin the tail on the donkey.
Except I'm not too excited about being the donkey.
Oh, you're not a donkey.
You're a tiger inching your way towards the red zone, and I know you're capable of it.
I don't know what you're talk I want to meet the Ted that uses my husband's stupid platinum-plated golf clubs to bash in the bathroom mirror.
Did you believe that's something that wouldn't get around? Boo, I was hoping you'd be more fun.
Does Mrs.
Conflict Resolution share your capacity for fireworks? She can see us.
Let's put on a show for her.
- Hey.
- Oh, I am gonna get a rise out of you one way or the other.
Okay.
ESSEX [SHOUTING.]
: You filthy slut! I will not allow you to make a vile spectacle in front of my employees.
(KIWI LAUGHS) So if they weren't your employees, you'd be fine with me grabbing another man's package? Wait, what did I miss? KIWI: Oh, just another episode of Profiles in Impotence.
ESSEX: Shut your dirty mouth.
Or what? It's not like you wear the pants around here, house boy.
Out of my way, Dunlop.
I said get out of my way right now! No, please, just calm down, okay? Gavin, it could be arranged for one employee to receive a generous Christmas bonus this year.
100k and two weeks in Aruba.
[MOUTHING.]
Move.
- Oh my God.
- Jesus.
I will not be humiliated in my own home.
KIWI: I wonder if we have something interesting to read.
ESSEX: Don't turn your back on me.
- KIWI: Boring! - Turn around right now.
KIWI: Stevie, why don't you be a good boy and pour me a drink? (GUNSHOT) (COMMOTION) This is my house.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC) - Oh, my God.
Oh Okay, Mr.
Essex, you need to put down the rifle.
Mr.
Essex.
Steve! What have I done? Fuck.
No, don't! You've got to help me.
Help you? Oh, my ESSEX: What are you doing? I'm calling 9-1-1.
No, you can't do that.
TATUM: She might still be alive, okay? We have to find somebody that could help her.
ESSEX: It doesn't matter.
I'll lose everything, my entire life's work.
What? ESSEX: How can I get out of this? I would owe you everything.
Don't just stand there, say something! Forget this.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You were cleaning your gun.
You were cleaning your gun and it went off accidentally.
At 1:00 in the morning after the Christmas party.
Give me the phone, give me GAVIN: Don't, don't.
She killed herself.
- Suicide.
- Exactly.
TED: Yes, Gavin, yes, she shot herself in the back of the head from across the parlor.
Have you ever heard of ballistics? ESSEX: Okay, so what have you got? TATUM: What? No.
Ted ESSEX: They tell me Ted Phipps can think outside the box.
Can you alibi your way into a VP position? - Wait, what? - ESSEX: You heard me.
Well, self-defense.
ESSEX: Don't be ridiculous, Gavin.
Come on, Ted.
You've been waiting a lifetime for an opportunity like this.
Oh, my God.
No.
I mean, it could work if you thought she was an intruder.
Go on.
You were you were in bed.
You were you were drunk.
You maybe you took sleeping pills.
There's all sorts of precedents for the crazy shit people do on those.
You heard a noise downstairs and you thought you were being robbed.
Um, hello, burglar alarm? TED: You forgot to set the alarm because you came home drunk, and you crept downstairs in the dark.
You felt your way along the wall, you found the rifle, and you didn't realize what you had done until you until you turned on the lights.
Oh, uh, okay, okay, um, uh Um, what about the rifle fell off the wall and discharged accidentally? Yes! Or drive-by shooting.
A stray bullet just came through the window.
It happens every day.
I I can chop up the body and bury it in the backyard.
They never get a prosecution - when there's no body.
- TATUM: Did you just volunteer to chop up this woman's body? GAVIN: Okay, maybe not, but, hey, I can get this.
- Just give me a minute.
- TED: No, no, no.
Listen to me.
The four of us have to leave right now.
If the coroner puts the time of death before your security cameras catch us driving out the gate, - we are all screwed.
- TATUM: You can't be serious about this, we're accomplices here.
ESSEX: I promise you'll all be well taken care of.
- Accomplices to murder.
- MISSY: So what? You don't even know her.
ESSEX: Somebody's gonna have to make sure she's dead.
I can't possibly go near her.
Where's my drink? (SCREAMING, LAUGHTER) Oh, darling, you were so brave right up until that last moment there.
Wow! Bravo.
KIWI: Brava.
STEVE: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but after a performance like that I need a stiff drink.
KIWI: Will you top mine off, darling, while I go powder my nose? (ESSEX APPLAUDS) (SOFT MUSIC) (BELL RINGING) ESSEX: The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands in moments of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Unconventional? Yes.
Irresponsible? Probably.
And yet I learned more about you two just now than if I'd interviewed you for a week straight.
As I told Ted earlier, there is a position open at Falconheart, as I'm sure he said, a rather life-altering position, if you're thinking of running off into the night.
We're not going anywhere.
So you're up for continuing this rather unorthodox job interview? I should say, Ted, you do hold a slight advantage.
You crushed the alibi category.
This is wrong on so many levels.
But I'm here to support my husband.
(TCHAIKOVSKY'S "DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRIES") This is the library.
Gavin, it's for books.
GAVIN: So? What's next? KIWI: Drinks.
If this dunce would ever refill my glass.
I've already murdered you once tonight.
So here we are.
Nobody really admits their greatest weakness, and nobody is really aware of their greatest strength.
So, Ted, why shouldn't I give the job to Gavin? I mean, take away the suit and the haircut and what's left? What does that even mean? TED: I think under the suit and the haircut, there's nothing.
There's no soul.
(GAVIN LAUGHS) Please, Ted, give us an example of how I have no soul.
TED: Okay, um Do you know the name of the guy who comes around with the catering cart at the office every day? No.
Does that mean I don't have a soul? - It's Ronaldo.
- Guillermo.
- From Ecuador.
- El Salvador.
Same thing.
Have you ever talked to Guillermo about his family? - Of course not.
- TED: Right.
So you've never asked him about his son who has Down syndrome and is the vice president of his high school class? GAVIN: Okay, obviously I didn't know the guy's kid had Down syndrome.
TED: Yeah, I figured you didn't because of the countless times you've screamed the word "retard" near him.
- You think he cares? - He probably cares - when you scream it at him.
- GAVIN: What? - No, I I never - TED: Gavin, you called him a fucking retard last week because he didn't put lemon in your Diet Coke.
Okay, I have to be an asshole, okay? It's how you get into the club.
It's what they expect from us.
Do you think I want to be that guy? Do you think I want to drive around in a fucking Porsche that I can't afford? But that is the person that I have to project.
That's why everything that you see from my wife's dress to my fucking douchebag cufflinks is paid for on one maxed out credit card after another.
You'll always be my douchebag.
ESSEX: You made good points, Gavin.
You may now present your critique of Ted.
He's a pussy.
ESSEX: Is that the entirety of your argument? Well, like an hour ago he wanted to go home.
He asked Tatum if he could go to bed because people were being too mean.
I mean, come on.
I'd way rather have 20 dicks working for me than one thin-skinned milquetoast.
KIWI: Oh, what I wouldn't give to have 20 dicks working for me.
Ted, did you ask your wife if you could go home? Yeah.
Do you consult your wife on all big life decisions? I do.
ESSEX: Do you tell her everything? Of course.
STEVE: You wouldn't keep secrets? - No.
- KIWI: You wouldn't tell her you work every Friday night until midnight if it weren't true.
Why did she say that? Because she's trying to get a rise out of us.
GAVIN: Nah, no secrets, huh? ESSEX: Gavin, you tell your wife everything? GAVIN: Well, I mean, I don't tell her what I have for lunch every day.
MISSY: I really don't care what he eats, but it's mostly protein and fish.
That's why he's so muscular.
GAVIN: But I certainly don't keep my whereabouts from her.
ESSEX: You tell her everything, don't you, because you respect her intelligence, right? I mean, you were saying earlier how much you appreciate her insight into the business.
Ooh, I forgot to be careful with this.
It's got a voice activated memo feature.
And I never know when it's recording.
GAVIN: No, please, you don't have to do this.
(SHUSHING) No, please, please.
[RECORDING.]
Missy is a necessary part of the package.
You know, you can't have the sports car and the fancy clothes without a trophy wife - with a spectacular ass, right? - Please.
[RECORDING.]
But the thing is, she thinks she knows more than I do, so I gotta sit there and listen to these pearls of wisdom from a dingbat with two semesters of community college and a minor in Tarot cards.
I mean, shit, we should talk to the guys in Research and Development about coming up with an off switch, am I right? How could you? No, Missy, no.
Missy, no.
MISSY: No! ESSEX: I think we should all take five.
Everybody relax, have a drink.
(SNIFFLING) (EERIE MUSIC) (BANGING ON DOOR) Go away, Gavin.
ESSEX: Missy, it's Steven.
Come on out, I want to apologize.
You can't stay in there.
Well, where would you sleep, in the bathtub? You'll ruin that beautiful dress.
I need to apologize.
You can't see me, but I'm on my knees.
I look pathetic.
You'll have to help me up.
I ruined my knees playing squash at Oxford.
I'm really sorry.
I am an incorrigible bastard.
I don't think you understand how important this is to us.
But I do.
I know the money worries you and Gavin have.
Do you think I'd come this far without having you vetted thoroughly? MISSY: You don't know what it's like to have this desperate weight on you every single day.
Sure you would do absolutely anything to get out from under this awful burden.
He would do anything for this.
I said you.
Would you do anything? There's only one thing I want.
A kiss.
I've been thinking what it would be like to have one brief, soft kiss from that perfectly lovely mouth.
Thank you, my dear.
That was every bit as lovely as I'd imagined.
There is one other thing I've been thinking about since we first met.
Trust me, the things I've done to get where I am would make you blush.
Hm.
Now, Missy, a girl like you, you know how it goes from here.
Baby, I am so sorry.
No, it's fine.
No, hey, hey, look at me.
I just said what I thought he wanted to hear.
I didn't mean any of it.
I said I'm fine.
(ESSEX HUMMING) KIWI: What did you do to her, you worm? What are you talking about? KIWI: Look at her! She was perfectly unfazed by me getting the top of my head blown off, but you follow her into the bathroom and she's completely gone to pieces? She wanted to divorce her husband five minutes ago and yet now she just runs into his arms.
What did you do to her? You have a fertile imagination.
Perhaps I should give you the job.
Oh, wait, your only qualification is 25 years of draining expense accounts.
(ESSEX HUMMING) (TENSE MUSIC) (GUN COCKING) (ESSEX HUMMING) TED: Okay, this again.
ESSEX: Give it a rest, darling.
- You're not fooling anyone.
- Oh, I'll do it.
I will obliterate those useless testicles of yours.
Jesus.
Oh, you find this amusing, Gavin? That my husband most likely slobbered all over your wife? Are you so stupid that you actually find that amusing? I think stupid would be falling for the same routine twice in the span of, like, an hour.
(LAUGHING) Oh, yes.
Just another phase of the interview.
Well, maybe this isn't a test of smarts, Gavin.
Maybe this is a test of bravery.
Raise one hand.
(TENSE MUSIC) I'm sure you remember that there were two rifles.
Is it possible that one of them was loaded with blanks while the other contains actual bullets? Well, you took the first round, Phipps, so I guess I don't really have a choice.
But with all due respect, I don't think either of you should quit your day jobs and move to Hollywood.
"Brave solutions and steadfast commitment".
- (GUNSHOT) - Oh, Jesus! (SCREAMING) Fuck! (VOMITING, SCREAMING) What have you done, you bedlamite? KIWI: Well, who puts their hand in front of a gun? (COUGHING, SHOUTING IN AGONY) My dear boy, I am beyond contrite.
Kiwi, don't we have a first aid kit somewhere? I think it's with the cleaning supplies.
Do I look like I know where to find cleaning supplies? Oh, God, help us.
TATUM: Okay, now I'm calling 911.
No, don't, not a chance! I'm staying here! - What? - What? - What? - TATUM: Gavin! You are seriously hurt.
And you are seriously fucking crazy if you think I'm gonna walk away from an opportunity like this.
I bet I bet this puts me in the lead now.
Okay, Gavin, you know what, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that just a little, but I think we need to officially call it a night.
GAVIN: Great, great.
I'll see you on Monday.
Might need a little help moving into my new office.
Yeah, he might need you and the retard to carry some boxes for him! (GAVIN BREATHING HEAVILY) Okay, that's enough.
We're staying.
(MUMBLING) (KIWI SCREAMS) - ESSEX: Kiwi, not again! - GAVIN: Fuck! ESSEX: Your antics are growing tiresome.
KIWI: Screw you, Steven! This time it's for real! ESSEX: You're being a very silly girl.
(CONCRETE SCRAPING) You can just go to hell! ESSEX: It can't be any worse than living with you.
KIWI: Well, you're not gonna have to worry about that very much longer, are you? Ah, come by the fire.
(KIWI SOBBING) - TATUM: Is she all right? - KIWI: Apparently not! Apparently I always ruin everything! Isn't that right, Steven? Uh, there was some talk about first aid? Yes, I was waylaid by this impromptu performance of Lady Macbeth.
Meanwhile, take these.
- What are they? - I don't know.
I found them under a sofa cushion, so they must do something fun.
TATUM: She wouldn't really ESSEX: Oh, I've lost count of the number of times she's threatened to kill herself, but her reasons aren't without merit.
You see, there was a horrific accident involving our son.
A mother's worst nightmare.
But, Tatum, you're a moderator.
Mediator.
ESSEX: You could go and talk to her.
Offer some soothing words.
[WHISPERING.]
And whilst you're there, give that cherub the faintest nudge.
KIWI [SHARPLY.]
: I heard that.
(SOFT MUSIC) ESSEX: You may have to give up badminton and croquet for a few weeks.
GAVIN: It's cool if I leave for workers' comp? KIWI: I really like your boots.
I've been meaning to tell you.
TATUM: Thanks.
I got 'em at Bergdorf.
I wouldn't necessarily brag about that.
So it seems like you're feeling like your husband was a bit hard on you after you shot Gavin.
KIWI: Why do we put up with these repulsive brutes? We support them, but when it's their time to return the favor (CHUCKLES) Well Does he support you, darling? Does he believe in you in your time of need? Would you be a dear and grab me a towel? It's just in the cabinet room, just through those doors.
(TENSE MUSIC) I've got wet feet.
TATUM: I don't see anything in here, besides the tissues.
KIWI: It's all the way in the back.
You have to reach in.
TATUM: Oh, oh, okay.
(SCREAMING) (INTENSE MUSIC) (PANTING) TED: What? What happened? Somebody grabbed me, in that room, in the cabinet.
Someone in the cabinet? You really can't hold your liquor.
I am not drunk.
Okay, are you sure there's not someone else in the house? Because earlier, I really thought I saw ESSEX: I'm not sure I like the implication that we've got some poor soul locked away in between the walls.
(TENSE MUSIC) Maybe you got your hand snagged on something? Yes, where are they when we need their support? (SPLASHING) (LIGHT MUSIC) - - MISSY: It's okay, baby.
TED: Hey.
Hey! - TATUM: What? - TED: I'm sorry.
I really am.
I should've had your back.
TATUM: I guess you're not the only one set up to be humiliated tonight.
(TATUM SIGHS) (GLASSES CLINK) ESSEX: Oh, come on.
How are you feeling? GAVIN: Nice, like, really nice.
I'm 110% committed.
I just want to make sure that you know that.
Yes, I believe you are.
GAVIN: This, this is what you need.
You need a new executive like this.
Someone who will ride into battle with total and complete loyalty.
Would you like to try it on? Could I? Be my guest.
Phippses, Dunlops.
I have a confession to make.
I haven't been entirely forthcoming in describing the parameters of The Initiative Agenda.
The Opportunity Initiative.
ESSEX: One of you will ring in the new year with an enviable new role at Falconheart Ventures.
GAVIN: Do you have a horse? I just feel like I want to get on top of the biggest fucking horse right now.
ESSEX: No, Gavin, we don't keep horses.
I wasn't exaggerating earlier.
It's been a lean year for Falconheart.
What's allowing us to create a new executive position is the elimination of the two positions you currently hold.
So it's a bit of an addition by subtraction conundrum.
A single position, two candidates, one of whom will become expendable.
"Again and again, the impossible problem is solved when we see that the problem is only a tough decision waiting to be made".
Dr.
Robert Schuller.
"There can be only one".
Highlander.
TED: God, Gavin, would you sit the fuck down? They're lying! This has all been made up.
The Opportunity Initiative, the company having a bad year, the screaming matches, the tragic accident with their child.
It's all made-up bullshit! - (SLAPS) - Hey! (GROANS) - How dare you? - ESSEX: I'll have you know that only my tax returns are made-up bullshit.
Yeah, you have no right to talk.
We all know you're full of shit.
I mean, what do you do every Friday until midnight, huh? GAVIN: Yeah, Ted, 'cause I'm there late on Fridays and I sure as hell don't see you there until midnight.
You know what, he doesn't have to explain anything to you.
MISSY: You have a little piece of meat on the side, Ted? I've seen the way you look at me.
I can feel your stare on the back of my neck.
Oh, get the hell outta here.
Or what, you're gonna smash my head in with one of the boss's golf clubs? - You shut your fucking mouth! - Ted.
MISSY: Must be scary to live with someone like that.
Probably a Scorpio.
GAVIN: Okay, let's do this.
You and me, motherfucker.
(SCOFFS) You think that'll get you a promotion, Gavin? Huh? Even though the concept of a CEO having two of his employees battle it out like like pit bulls in a basement is totally beyond anything that actually happens on planet Earth? They're fucking with us, man! Well, guess what, I'm fine with that.
So you would be fine with killing another person for nothing more than their sick holiday pageant? I'm ready to do whatever it takes.
Well, are you gonna kill my wife as well? Because you would probably have to.
TATUM: Gavin, I know that you feel like you should say y Yes.
- What about your wife? - What about my wife? TED: If Essex offered you a million dollars right now, would you kill Missy? When you say a million dollars, you mean one million dollars, or like an annual salary of a million dollars? (SCREAMING) What? I was just making sure I understood the question! [SHOUTING.]
You shit! The fact that you had to even stop to think about it! What? What do you want from me? What if the situation was reversed? What?! Be honest, when you do your Ideal Success Visualization Exercises, - am I the one you're married to? - My what? She doesn't even do Ideal Success Visualization Exercises.
How does a person set benchmarks for their personal life goals? ESSEX: I know, it's shocking.
Come with me, Gavin.
Let's find somewhere where you can sit down and relax.
Take it easy.
Take the weight off your weary feet.
Here we are, tuck your little butt in there, and when you're ready, press the red button.
And Gavin, I know you would never lay a finger on your lovely wife.
(CHAIR RUMBLING, METAL RATTLING) Still, I do appreciate that you even considered making such a sacrifice.
(SOFT MUSIC) (CHAIR RUMBLING, METAL RATTLING) What the hell do you know about sacrifice? What kind of a sacrifice have you ever made in your entire privileged life? Oh, I can tell you exactly the kind of history this man has had with sacrifice.
Not now.
I believe Steven said something earlier about our son.
Our Jim.
Our poor Jim.
Our beautiful Jim.
Did Steven mention how little time he actually spent with our child? Always working I'll not have you dredging - Always traveling.
- Enough! Yet, Steven was home one weekend, and Jim, our Jim, stuck in that boarding school, wanting to see his father so badly, stole the keys to a staff member's car.
(SOMBER MUSIC) At only 12, he had the wherewithal to steal a car and drive in the dead of night.
(METAL RATTLING) It was less than a mile.
Oh, just less than a mile from the house when it happened.
So, don't believe for a second that my husband knows nothing about making a sacrifice for his career.
So, what happened? Did the little bugger swerve to avoid hitting a porcupine? TATUM: Ted, would you stop being so cruel? I don't know, Tatum, will you stop being so naive? Can't you grasp the idea that there are twisted people in this world who might just tell a grotesque lie for their own perverse pleasure? So if all of this is bullshit, Ted, if you really believe that there is no promotion, then what are we doing here? We're riding this out for what? To prove that you're smart? Okay, we get it.
You are smart.
But you don't get to talk to me like I'm a rube.
You're not a rube! You're a radiant diamond.
Let me pour you a brandy.
Nothing fancy for me, I'm just a dumb hick.
I'm fine just drinking out of the fucking toilet.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Well, thank you, Kiwi.
Is anybody still talking to anybody? GAVIN: I'm here! I think we should all call it a night.
But (METAL RATTLING) (GROANS) - But - ESSEX: I'll render my decision on Monday.
(GROANS) Ted, you should probably go ahead and warm up the car.
It seems your wife might need a moment.
(DARK MUSIC) Gavin, there is a piece I want to show you.
I thought you'd like it.
(EERIE MUSIC) Hey! (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) (DARK MUSIC) (DOOR HANDLE RATTLING) Hello? (BANG) (TENSE MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) GAVIN [SHOUTING.]
: I am a powerful, successful person! (SMASHING) (TED GROANING) [CONFUSED.]
What the fuck? (DARK MUSIC) (HANDLE CLATTERS) (SCREAMING) (INTENSE MUSIC) (GAVIN SCREAMING) (GAVIN SCREAMING) ESSEX: Choose wisely.
So, you got a 50-50 chance.
But guess what that means.
That means I've got a 50-50 chance.
So this whole night Fuck the whole night! Your whole life comes down to a coin toss.
So you gotta ask yourself, do you feel lucky? (GUNSHOT, GLASS SHATTERING) Shit.
(DARK MUSIC) (TREMBLING) Why stop now, Ted? Let me guess: Because it wouldn't be a fair way of making it to the top, hmm? You know something, Ted? It will never be fair, because the playing field is always tilted one direction.
But by simply pulling that trigger, you'll reserve yourself a first-class seat on the tilted side.
(MUSIC INTENSIFYING) (TED GROANING) (PANTING) (SOFT MUSIC) (TED BREATHING HEAVILY) TATUM: Ted.
Ted! - Let me see, let me see.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll do it, I'll do it, I'm fine.
MISSY: What happened? ESSEX: Just Ted snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
(SLAMS RIFLE) I mean, really! You were so close to winning! TED: No, no.
The only way I win is if I don't play the game because there is no promotion.
It's all just stories and lies and make-believe bullshit so you and your psychotic wife can get your rocks off.
(GAVIN GROANS) GAVIN: Take it easy on 'em.
They lost their son.
TED [SHOUTING.]
: No, they didn't, Gavin! It's a joke! It's from a play! Jesus Christ, maybe if you read something other than Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
ESSEX: It seems you still need convincing.
I think you should wake him up and invite him to meet our guests.
(SNICKERING) Yay! Do you think it's him? Are we gonna have a séance? Hey, I'm sorry for everything, I am, but this is out of control.
We need to go right now, okay? Okay.
- (DOOR OPENING) - KIWI: Ho, ho, ho! I hear there are some naughty boys and girls in here! (KIWI LAUGHING, CHAIR WHIRRING) (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) Say hi to Santa.
That's it, all the way around the room.
Santa's gotta see everybody.
(KIWI SNICKERING) Ahh! Ta-da! (KIWI LAUGHING) Everyone, this is Jim.
Jim, this is everyone.
I'd go around the room, but he's terrible with names.
Oh my God.
You didn't.
(DARK MUSIC) Oh, look at that, Ted.
He likes you, that's uncanny.
I have so much admiration for the both of you.
I can only imagine what a burden he must be.
Oh, don't be silly.
That's why we hire people.
MISSY: Well, he looks very comfortable in his chair.
KIWI: Well, hop onboard! He'd love to take you for a spin.
- Oh, I - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Just think of him as Santa.
You can tell him everything you want for Christmas.
Come on, right on.
That's it.
Oh sorry.
(KIWI LAUGHING) Please stop this.
KIWI [SINGING.]
: Oh, here we go round the mulberry bush.
(KIWI LAUGHING) (JIM GROANING) (KIWI LAUGHING) MISSY: I I think I've had enough.
(KIWI LAUGHING) Can you can you stop, please? Please stop.
Please, just stop! [SHOUTING.]
Please stop! (JIM GROANS) GAVIN: Wow, Ted.
Looks like an apology is in order, or maybe even grounds for dismissal.
ESSEX: Oh, I think Ted feels awful about doubting us.
I mean, just look at him.
TATUM: Ted, it's okay to be wrong.
Just just say you're sorry.
ESSEX: It's all right.
I think if we just have a drink, it'll all be water under the bridge.
To water under the bridge.
ESSEX: Down the hatch, Sunny Jim.
(JIM GAGGING) Oh, he's enjoying this.
KIWI: Oh, Jim! Oh, my poor baby's made a mess of himself, hasn't he? Oh, baby.
Oh, God.
Oh, shh.
Shh.
That's a good boy.
Stop it.
[SHOUTING.]
Stop it, stop it! Get the fuck away from him! ESSEX: I'll thank you not to point a gun and scream at my wife.
That's my job.
Besides, you might end up hitting poor Jim.
Stop calling him that! His name is not Jim! His name is Daniel! TATUM: Ted, tell me what's going on.
(TED GROANS) Before we were married, three years ago, I guess, I hadn't been at the company that long, and he sent me out to get an anniversary gift for his wife.
I was racing back to bring him the earrings, and I was trying so hard to get noticed and get ahead.
I guess I was probably driving too fast.
And Daniel was riding his bike.
It was dark.
I never even saw him.
I just heard the thump.
Oh my God.
(SOBS) GAVIN: Was he wearing a helmet? I mean, if he was riding his bike without a helmet, I'm not a lawyer, but Gavin, will you please just shut up? So, this entire time you never told me? (SIGHS) (SOFT MUSIC) TED: They put him in a permanent facility, but he didn't have anyone, so I started going to see him Fridays after work.
So he did have a piece of meat on the side.
How can this be your idea of fun? Ted, you've forgotten that opportunity is the theme of this evening.
Before you is the anchor that has undermined your success for years.
In your hands, you have the instrument of opportunity.
Jesus Christ, Ted! You'd be doing him a kindness.
Now, look at your beautiful wife and think of the life you're denying her.
I don't want a life like this, a life where all your pleasure centers get so dulled, this is what you have to do for kicks.
(SLAMS RIFLE) Fuck this life.
I'm taking him back home.
Ah, but there's the rub, Ted.
You see, our Jim is already at home.
His care facility was delighted to place this piece of driftwood in a financially sturdy household.
So, you can put him out of his misery or you can leave him to the tender mercies of Kiwi and myself, but what you cannot do is walk out of here with him.
GAVIN [ENTHUSIASTICALLY.]
: I'll do it! TED: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Gavin, stop! Gavin, listen to me, you gotta believe me, this will not get you what you want.
Get the fuck outta my way or I'll shoot you right now! Wait, wait, how do you know it's the right one? Because this is the gun this shitbird used to shoot the flowers in the hallway.
See, I pay attention to details.
"It's the little details that are vital.
Little things make big things happen".
UCLA men's basketball coach John Wooden.
TED: Oh my God, just kill me now.
With pleasure.
(GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) (TED GROANING) It's like this shit is rigged against me! ESSEX: Well, that's the first astute observation you've made all night.
Did you know that antique rifle magazines can be remotely switched from blanks to live rounds? Allow me to demonstrate.
Gavin, would you shoot the African white rhinoceros on the wall? (BUTTON CLICKS) (GUNSHOT) Excellent, now, point your rifle at Ted.
(RIFLE RELOADING) (GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) It's the same with the other gun.
Uh, Ted, would you take a shot at the rhino? (TED GROANS) (TED SIGHS) [WHISPERS.]
Oh God.
(GUNSHOT) [UNAMUSED.]
Haha, very funny.
Now point your rifle at Gavin.
(GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) (KIWI LAUGHING) Fuck! ESSEX: Oh, I just couldn't resist it! I'm sorry, Gavin, but you never had a chance! I'd just as soon as give the promotion to this sack of yams.
No, tonight was all about Ted.
Smart, talented.
The only question is whether or not he could go the extra mile, and for that we needed cannon fodder.
I was never in the running? But I leveraged my entire future to impress you! Dodging debt collectors, praying every day you'd make me an executive! [SHOUTING.]
I'm the one that can do it! Switch it back, let me show you! - No, no, no.
- TATUM: Gavin, put it down.
[SHOUTING.]
He really wants it, Ted! You'd better kill the man! TED: Gavin, put it down.
Just, I have to have this, let me do it.
- No! - GAVIN: I want it more than you.
[HYSTERICAL.]
I want it more than anything! He makes an interesting argument! Goddamnit, Gavin! ESSEX: I'm reconsidering, Ted! What are you gonna do about this? - Ted! - GAVIN: Just let me do it! Show me you're the kind of man who can take his future into his own (GUNSHOT, THUD) (EXHALES) "Brave solutions, steadfast commitment".
Holy shit.
Are you out of your fucking minds? I never signed up for any of this! Wait, what? [SHOUTING.]
What the fuck? That whole thing was an act? It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Are you fucking kidding me? How long have you been plotting this? You could've had it all.
You Podunk piece of trash with your cheap fucking boots! (GUNSHOT, SCREAMS) (SOFT MUSIC) (TATUM BREATHING HEAVILY) TATUM: Let's go home.
DANIEL: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Is it safe to come out? TED: Hey, do you have any idea how twisted you are? This entire time you've just been pretending Ted.
(DARK MUSIC) That's weird.
(TATUM SCREAMS) What the fuck is this now? (DOOR CREAKING OPEN) (VOCALISTS CHANTING) WHITE HAIR: For a while there, we thought you were one of us, Ted.
What a waste.
SECOND EXECUTIVE: Some men just can't put the boot on the throat when they have the other guy down.
THIRD EXECUTIVE: Like Boris Becker at Monte Carlo in '95.
Maddening.
DANIEL: Hey, you said they'd both be shooting blanks.
WHITE HAIR: What can I say? Essex expected Ted to kill Gavin.
DANIEL: And what if he decided to kill me? WHITE HAIR: He was 90% sure Ted wouldn't shoot you.
DANIEL: How could you do that to me? I've been pretending to be a vegetable every Friday night for three years! We paid you handsomely for your acting services, didn't we? MISSY: I knew you looked familiar.
Did you do an episode of General Hospital? Hold on, hold on.
So you you saw what happened in there.
WHITE HAIR: We saw everything.
(DARK MUSIC) Do you have any idea what you've done? [SHOUTING.]
Any idea? You have eliminated nearly $40 million in salary and benefits off our books for the next fiscal year! Genius.
Why didn't I think of it? THIRD EXECUTIVE: Let's not forget Kiwi.
My Lord, that woman could abuse an expense account.
It's a miracle! A Christmas miracle! WHITE HAIR: Truly a Christmas miracle! (EXECUTIVES LAUGHING) (CHRISTMAS MUSIC) Merry Christmas! Woo-hoo! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Hello, happy holidays to you, sir.
THIRD EXECUTIVE: Thank you.
Great choices.
(LAUGHING) What a wonderful evening, huh? MISSY: Pardon my husband's appearance.
It's just it's been a night.
(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION) So it seems to me, in light of everything that's happened tonight, there really is a vacancy at the executive level.
True, I suppose there is.
And I think it's fair to say that one of you has clearly demonstrated themselves to be Falconheart executive material.
(LIGHT JAZZ VERSION OF "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS") TED: Guillermo! What's up, buddy? How's that hand treatin' you? (TED CHUCKLING) You diddle your mother with that finger? I'll diddle your mother.
TATUM: Hey! Boys.
Get to work.
(BRIGHT MUSIC) - (VIBRANT MUSIC) - (UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING")