Jerk (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

1
From watching my TV
until my eyeballs fail to see
just another rotten mess
my friends, is anybody's guess
That looks like a good cake.
trouble comin' every day
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour.
So you think all of those kids
were afraid of me?
Well, you do look like you've
escaped from a jar of formaldehyde.
I get it. I mean, if scary movies
have taught me anything,
it's that all British children
are bloodthirsty murderers.
No, no, no, no, Tim, they're
Children are wondrous and pure.
You just haven't spent enough time
getting to understand, you know,
how much of a joy they can be.
Well, I fucking have.
The wee shits are all over
this TikTok thing.
Holy shit.
Look how many views
these morons have.
I bet they make shitloads.
I need that and then
I can finally quit my dead-end job.
I don't know, I've heard
your boss is pretty great.
Nope, he's a right twat.
Oh, hi.
Um, sorry, we live down the road.
Um, does a man in a, um, er
..with a frame live here?
Yes, he does, yeah.
Um. May we come in?
My son has something
he'd like to say to him.
Sure, yeah, come in,
I'll clean this mess up.
Hello!
I I'm Marcus and this is
Georgie.
Georgie has something
he'd like to say to you.
Monster.
He's not a monster.
He's just a normal man who
happens to have cerebral palsy.
S sorry, I I'm mortified.
I I'm just trying to, you know,
teach my son about disability.
It's something kids aren't
regularly exposed to.
I don't mean exposed in a bad way,
like coronavirus.
I'm actually a teacher
at Georgie's school,
it might be really good if you came
down and talked to more of the kids.
You know, disability inclusion
is very on-message with the
LEA guidelines.
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
So is there any expenses?
Cos Tim's a student
and his budget's tight.
Yeah, er, of course.
We could cover, um
A thousand pounds!
Gosh. £2,000!
Yeah, no, well, I mean,
not that much.
But maybe 50 quid?
Done! Excellent.
Would that be fun, Georgie,
if Tim comes to school one day?
No.
Hey, Mom, I got a job giving
a talk to the school kids
about what it's like
living with a disability.
The only really great
thing you can tell them
is that you don't have to wear
a costume on Halloween.
Yeah, I was going to start
with that.
You're going to frighten those
little fuckers near to death, Timmy.
I'm glad you find this amusing,
they're going to be
scarred for life.
I remember when we
would go out, right,
we would go to a restaurant or
we could go to a
the mall, kids would run away
screaming, crying.
What do you think these
kids are going to do?
I mean, I thought it would be better
cos I'm not in the cage this time.
Come on, I never put you in a cage,
I just put you on a leash.
In the muzzle.
What life lessons
do you think they need?
What life lessons?
I don't know about life lessons,
but you should tell them
how hard it is for you to wipe
your ass, that's a life lesson.
How to wipe your ass
when you have a disability.
It's not that I can't wipe my ass,
it's that I choose not to.
This is so exciting. It's like a
a chance to mould young minds.
You know, if you think about it,
children really are the future.
Ah, Tim, thanks so much for coming.
I've been up all night, yeah,
I got a whole lesson plan,
worksheets.
Er, er, should really help me hit my
proactive self-generating curriculum
work goals, so.
That sounds fun already.
And I managed to get your
DBS check through in time.
My DB what now?
Yeah, it's just a formality.
Just means you've been
approved by the police to be able
to work with children.
Hey! I finally passed something!
Er, sorry, I didn't actually
know you were coming.
Oh, I I didn't know if I would
know need something like that.
Yes, it's just, you know,
rules and
Rules. Yeah.
Yeah, no, absolutely, it's
It's Child safeguarding
exists for a reason, doesn't it?
And it's incumbent on all of us
to respect that.
I've got errands to run anyway, so.
OK, good. So Tim, I've told
the kids all about you,
they are so looking forward to
finally getting to meet you.
They're just excited.
Class, please quieten down now.
Please.
Hey, guys, how's it going?
Great.
So, who's got a question?
OK, um, so, Tim, can you tell us
what cerebral palsy is?
Yes.
Well, you know when
you have a booboo on your foot
and it means you can't
walk that well.
Yeah, sure.
Well, I have a booboo on my brain,
which makes it hard
to do anything well.
Is that why you talk funny?
Er, no, Samantha, I don't think
Tim talks "funny", so
That is an excellent question,
Samantha.
I do talk funny, but it's cool cos
teachers can't understand me
so I can say whatever rude
thing I want.
No, no, no, no.
Tim's just saying a little joke.
No, I'm not, Mr. Stupid.
Come on, kids, you try.
You're a butthead. You're Mr. Silly.
Our teacher is Mr. Poop-head.
I'm not sure this is working.
No, no, this is great.
The kids are engaged!
That's one of the things my last
assessment said I had to work on.
No, this is
this is really positive.
I want to live with Mum and Brad!
Right, son, let's not get personal.
Hello, would you like a sweet?
Yes. Yeah, no, probably.
Probably best not.
Just, er Just spying on Tim.
He's in that classroom there.
What, are you his dad?
No, no, no, we're just friends.
Best friends.
I do his homework,
he he sleeps at my house.
Such a good idea
putting them on leads, I
I would never have thought
to do that.
Stops them escaping, doesn't it?
I should explain,
the reason I'm out here is cos I'm
legally not allowed into the school.
Doesn't
Tell you what, I'll give Tim a ring,
he'll be able to explain better.
Struggling to find my phone.
What is this shite?
Hello, you stupid wee fucks.
Today I am going to
show you how to clean a keyboard.
First you need a dirty keyboard.
So you want to just get
get some stuff, get some shit.
Get it right in all the wee bits.
And then you need the magic
ingredient -
shaving foam.
You can buy it anywhere.
Any kind of sha
Shake it, get a wee shake.
And then watch this,
you ready for the magic?
Just
Just just put more on.
If it doesn't happen right away,
just fricking just go for it.
And then, um, just shut the laptop,
nice wee surprise for somebody.
Listen, while I'm here,
if you see any credit cards
lying about your house, you just
take your numbers down, three digits
at the back and you let Ruth know.
OK, catch you later.
You can get away with all sorts
of stuff when you're disabled.
Homework?
I don't do homework.
There's no point in doing
well at school.
There's no jobs for you anyway.
That's very funny, Tim.
But can you tell us a bit more about
the day-to-day hardships you face?
Well, shopping is hard
when you're disabled.
That's why I always just steal shit.
Seriously, guys -
candy, comics, beer.
You could come with me sometime
That was a great talk from Tim.
But I think it's time we started
filling out our disability
worksheets.
So, everyone back to our tables!
But that was fun.
Not now, son, I mean, Georgie.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I I like grown-ups.
I mean, I like kids but
just just as friends.
That didn't sound right.
I I'm just here because I didn't
get a D DBS check.
So not not for any bad reasons.
I sleep with women.
Adult women.
Although, I do get a bit of stick
off my friends cos, er,
a lot of my girlfriends tend to
be on the younger side,
but never under the age of 20.
Although it's hard to tell,
some of these 16-year-olds
these days, they look 20.
It's Have to start asking
for their driving licence.
If you can't drive a car,
you can't drive this guy.
That'll have to be my motto.
But no, children are
Children are the future,
that's why I've always said
they'll take us where we need to go.
Like, evolutionarily,
not, er, sexually.
I think, er, paed paedophiles
are awful.
I hate paedophiles and I I'd hate
for you to think I'm a paedophile.
Unless we're talking the Latin
sense of the word paedophile,
like, "a love of children".
In which case, sure,
I I'm a paedophile.
Why does he keep saying paedophile?
I don't know.
I guess that's what paedophiles do.
Hello, again, you stupid wee cocks.
Today I'm going to show you how to
fix a cracked screen
with tooth paste.
So first you need a phone.
Don't use your own phone,
use somebody's phone
that you don't like.
It's my flatmate's.
Then you need a hammer.
Then you just take
your hammer and you just
Look at that,
just smash the fuck out of it.
And that is why you
always need to wear a condom
when you are with a lady
..or gentleman of the night.
So what have
we learned about Chlamydia?
It's a silent killer.
Good, good, write that down.
That's great, Tim.
But the question on the worksheet is
"if you found it hard going up
escalators."
Sorry, Ms. Poopface.
What can I say? I like to spit-ball.
Ooh.
A spit ball is when Mommy and Daddy
love each other very much
Mr. Renkow, that is not appropriate.
I'll tell you later.
This guy is a prat.
Why did you invite him?
Just assumed
he was going to be nice.
They're always nice in the movies.
Oh, thank God.
Well, that's all for now.
Time for lunch.
And that's going to be all from Tim.
Here's your money. And thanks.
Ooh, I wonder what's for lunch.
Working Man by Blues Saraceno
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No. Stop, stop, stop, stop, kids.
Simon Morrison, put that down now!
Oooh!
Georgie, you know I've only got two
shirts for the whole week, stop it!
Put your dirty plates over there.
Hey, maggot boy.
Lick our plates clean as well.
Did you just crap your pants? Ha-ha!
Hello, you stupid wee fuckers.
Today I'm going to show you how to
hide your drugs in your house.
So, what you need to do is
you just need to
..take your screwdriver and
Ooh! Shit!
Hey, Georgie, who was that kid?
That's Matt. He's mean.
You shouldn't let them
bully you like that.
But, if I tell Dad, he'll bully me
more cos he'll say I'm a snitch.
As well he should.
Snitches get stitches.
But you're with the monster now,
and monsters always
take care of their friends.
It's going fantastic.
How's the whole TikTok thing going?
It's going great, actually! MOBILE DINGS
Hang on,
just got an email from them.
Tell you how good I'm doing.
Oh, bastards!
"We regret to inform you, you are
being served with a life-time ban
"for multiple violations
of our policy."
Load of shite.
Hey, Georgie, you giving this to me?
Thanks, mate.
Give me back my ball.
Oh, yeah, what are you going
to do about it?
I'll tell the monster to eat you.
Hey, this kid still
believes in monsters.
Go on, call your monster.
Monster!
Ooh, I got to go.
I'm a monster!
I eat little boys that
pick on Georgie!
And if I touch you, you'll get a
monster disease and end up like me.
Aaargh!
You're not a monster,
you have cerebral palsy.
What? My sister has CP.
You're not a monster.
You just have brain damage.
Ah, shoot.
My sister has to deal
with so much bullying.
Calling yourself a monster
will just make it worse.
Ow!
What's wrong, monster?
Ow! Stop it, I'll pay you!
I'll give you money.
People will give me money
if I don't beat them up?
Give me your money or
I'll kick your arse!
Ha-ha!
I feel like I might not have helped.
I'm afraid there's nothing
we can do.
He's not actually done
anything wrong.
And, I mean, if he was
a paedophile
..don't you think this is all
a bit obvious?
Sorry, what do you mean by that?
Well, your look.
The outfit the glasses, hair.
Hair? This is just a bit of
modelling putty.
The voice.
It's all just a bit '90s
stereotypical paedophile, isn't it?
Nine? This is this year's
Burton's range.
We've got top psychologists putting
together criminal profiles of
the modern sex offender and they are
much more sophisticated than this.
But he's still a weirdo.
Yeah, but I can't arrest him
for that, though, can I?
But if it puts your mind at rest,
I think he's far too puny to be
a danger to children.
Thank you again for
raising your concerns.
No, hang on! This is disgraceful!
We're letting you off, mate.
Yeah, I know, exactly.
These women, these ladies,
these mums raised perfectly valid
concerns about child safety.
It should be your number-one
priority
as a law enforcement officer,
children.
Eh? You should be bloody
arresting me.
Oh, what's the problem -
too much paperwork?
Or is it just another symptom of our
overworked police force
in Tory cuts Britain?
Are you a paedo?
I could very well be a predatory
sex beast waiting to abduct any one
of these kids and you're just
wandering off.
Yeah, we've got proper police work
to do, mate.
Come back here and arrest me.
Arrest me now.
If it puts these worried mums'
minds at rest.
Oh, no, I wasn't worried.
You stay out of it.
It's not about you.
Fine, if you're not going to
arrest me, I'll, er
..I'll-I'll make you arrest me.
I I'm not going to arrest you
for that.
Barely a tickle, mate.
Hey, kids! Who wants to
learn about the dark Web?
No, Mr. Renkow.
I don't think we'll be
needing your help any more.
Why not?
Why? Because thanks to you,
Georgie and 15 other children
had their tuck shop money stolen
with threats of violence.
Thanks to you, a child in 5D has
been found with £96 in his pocket.
We're looking at the first expulsion
in this school's history!
Hey, he was a prick!
You're a prick!
Mr. Renkow, you've ruined everything.
I just wanted to teach kids about
the disabled so I don't have to
go around begging apologies from
everyone my useless son insulted.
Sorry, Dad.
I have worksheets!
They're useless now!
I was going to turn this whole
interactive disabled experience
into a module. A module!
My chance to impress those fucking
inspectors!
I need this job to pay maintenance
to pay for his brat mother's house
she shares with her fucking
personal trainer Brad!
Just get out!
Brad's more of a dad than you are!
Ooh!
Holy shit!
Listen, don't worry about the money.
I'll go and get that 70 quid off the
little shit tomorrow.
But it was only 50.
Compound interest, Tim.
If I don't get it by Friday,
I'm taking his dad's car.
Ohhh!
I did get through to some of them.
Look, they sent me such
a nice homecoming message.
I think that was meant for him.
My friend