Keeping Up Appearances s02e03 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) ( ringing ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
YOU ARE WHOM? ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT SHOULD BE WHO.
WHO? THE DEPARTMEN OF REFUSE SERVICE OFFICES.
OH, YOU MEAN THE RUBBISH PEOPLE? YES, I AM THE LADY WHO'S BEEN RINGING ALL WEEK WITH A COMPLAINT.
YES, THANK YOU FOR FINALLY RETURNING MY CALL.
MY COMPLAINT IS ABOU YOUR DUSTBIN LORRIES.
ALL RIGHT, YOUR COLLECTION VEHICLES.
THEY WILL KEEP PASSING DOWN MY AVENUE.
NOW I DON'T MIND THEM COMING ON TUESDAY BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN I PUT MY DUSTBIN OUT.
BUT I WISH YOU WOULD FORBID THEM TO PASS DOWN MY AVENUE ON OTHER DAYS.
IT GIVES THE IMPRESSION THAT I SPECIALIZE IN SUPERFLUOUS AMOUNTS OF GARBAGE.
OH, I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING, THEY'RE TAKING THE SHORTCU AND I'D LIKE YOU TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE I WOULDN'T EVEN PUT I IN A BLACK PLASTIC BAG AND STUFF I IN A DUSTBIN.
HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? BOLSHIE BIN MAN! OH, YOU FEEL LIKE DOING A LITTLE GARDENING.
THAT'S PROGRESS.
BETTER THAN STAYING IN AND MOPING ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE.
- I'M QUITE GOOD AT GARDENING.
- GOOD, THAT'S SPLENDID.
THERE'S PLENTY OF I OUT THERE WAITING.
WHAT I WASN' GOOD AT WAS MARRIAGE.
THAT WAS HARDLY YOUR FAULT.
SHE RAN OFF WITH ANOTHER MAN.
WHO WASN'T EVEN GOOD AT GARDENING.
OH.
( laughs ) GO ON, OFF YOU GO.
AHHH! WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S HER-- HYACINTH! SHE'S OUT THERE-- IN HER GARDEN.
YOU CAN'T STAY INDOORS JUST BECAUSE HYACINTH'S OUT THERE.
I CAN.
I REALLY CAN.
OH, EMMET, DON'T BE SILLY.
SHE'LL SING AT ME.
SHE ALWAYS SINGS AT ME.
SHE WANTS YOU TO GIVE HER A PART IN YOUR AMATEUR OPERATICS.
IF YOU STAR A CONVERSATION WITH HER, SHE'D HAVE TO STOP SINGING.
THEN SHE'LL TALK TO ME.
BEING TALKED TO BY HYACINTH IS ALMOST AS BAD AS BEING SUNG AT.
TELEPHONE, HYACINTH.
RICHARD, DON'T SHOUT, DEAR.
IT'S SO COMMON.
( whispering ) TELEPHONE, HYACINTH.
HMM? IS IT MY SHERIDAN? NO, IT'S YOUR SISTER VIOLET.
( loudly ) OH, MY SISTER VIOLE WITH THE LUXURY BUNGALOW AND THE SWIMMING POOL RICHARD, I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING'S POOPED IN MY POLYANTHAS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO INTERPRET THAT? DOES SHE WANT I CONFIRMING OR REMOVING? I'D BETTER ASK.
- ( wheelbarrow clatters ) - SHH.
I'M SO GLAD YOU RANG, VIOLET, BECAUSE IT SAVES ME MAKING A CALL TO INVITE YOURSELF AND BRUCE TO A LITTLE CANDLELIGH SUPPER THIS EVENING.
WHY CAN'T YOU COME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE NOTHING TO WEAR? VIOLET, YOU'VE A WARDROBE OF BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES.
BRUCE IS WEARING THEM? WELL, HE CAN'T BE WEARING ALL OF THEM.
I SEE, HE'S VERY POSSESSIVE ABOUT THEM.
VIOLET, REALLY, YOU MUST BE FIRMER WITH HIM.
I DON'T CARE HOW DISAPPOINTED HE'LL BE, YOU MUST NOT STAR CALLING HIM BRENDA.
NOW LOOK, TAKE A FIRM STAND.
IT'S TIME YOU BEGAN WEARING THE TROUSERS.
OH, YOU ARE WEARING THE TROUSERS.
IT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT LEFT.
WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S BRUCE AGAIN.
HE'S WEARING ALL VIOLET'S CLOTHES.
OH, NOT THA KNITTED TWO-PIECE.
I CAN'T BEAR HIM IN THAT KNITTED TWO-PIECE.
POOR VIOLET.
I KNOW HOW SHE MUST HATE IT.
ESPECIALLY AS HE'S STARTED TO LOOK BETTER THAN SHE DOES.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT, ONSLOW? I WAS WONDERING, IF THERE IS A FORCE BEHIND THE UNIVERSE, ON BALANCE, WOULD YOU CLASS IT AS "A" ALIEN, OR "B" FRIENDLY? I WISH YOU'D STOP WATCHING "OPEN UNIVERSITY.
" MAN HAS THIS RESTLESS URGE TO UNDERSTAND.
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT? FOR A START, WHY YOU KEEP YOUR KNEE IN MY BACK ALL NIGHT.
DO I KEEP MY KNEE IN YOUR BACK? IF IT'S NOT YOUR KNEE, SOMEBODY'S WEARING BOOTS IN BED.
YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE IF I DID WEAR BOOTS IN BED.
YOU NEVER NOTICED WHEN I GOT THAT NEW NIGHTIE.
LET ME GIVE YOU A TINY WORD OF ADVICE, DAISE-- NOW YOU'LL NOT FIND THIS IN YOUR ROMANTIC NOVELS, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR A SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE, DON'T WEAR A VEST.
A PERSON COULD FREEZE TO DEATH NOT WEARING A VES WAITING FOR YOU TO WARM UP! WE MADE LOVE ONLY RECENTLY.
IT WAS MARCH.
WAS IT MARCH? GOOD GRIEF, DOESN'T TIME FLY WHEN YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF.
HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING! IF IT'S THE INSURANCE MAN, TELL HIM I'LL SEE HIM NEXT WEEK.
IT'S NO THE INSURANCE MAN, IT'S MR.
HELLIWELL-- MY MR.
HELLIWELL! HE'S COMING TO PICK ME UP HERE LATER.
I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED-- SOME ATTENTION FROM MR.
HELLIWELL.
I DON'T WANT HIM PICKING ME UP HERE! I MEAN, LOOK AT THE STATE OF THE PLACE.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TIDY UP.
IT'S YOUR LOVE LIFE, YOU TIDY UP.
I'VE ONLY JUS GROWN MY NAILS BACK.
LET MR.
HELLIWELL COME EARLY AND HE CAN TIDY UP.
BUG OFF, ONSLOW.
OH, NICE.
( humming ) - ( sings ) - ( gasps ) WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
YE GODS, HYACINTH.
GOOD MORNING, EMMET.
JUST THE PERSON I WANTED TO SEE.
I'D LIKE YOU AND ELIZABETH TO COME THIS EVENING TO MY LITTLE CANDLELIGHT SUPPER.
THANKS, BUT I WAS PLANNING TO-- I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO ENTERTAINING YOU.
I MEAN, ORDINARILY I'D BE ONLY TOO HAPPY TO-- JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD A BAD DIVORCE, YOU MUSTN'T KEEP YOURSELF CONFINED TO THE HOUSE.
I RATHER LIKE BEING ALONE, ACTUALLY.
YOU MUST GET ABOUT, EMMET, AND MEET PEOPLE.
AND YOU'LL MEE ONLY THE BEST PEOPLE AT MY LITTLE CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
I'D BE THERE IN A MINUTE IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT-- GOOD, THAT'S SETTLED THEN.
DRESS INFORMAL-- LOUNGE SUIT AND TIE, OF COURSE.
I'VE GO A WONDERFUL FEELING EVERYTHING'S GOING MY WAY.
WHATEVER'S THE MATTER? SHE'S BEEN SINGING AT ME, LIZ.
I TOLD YOU SHE WOULD.
OH, IS THAT ALL? NO, IT IS NOT ALL! WE'RE INVITED TO A CANDLELIGH SUPPER TONIGHT.
WELL, THAT WAS INEVITABLE.
THERE COMES TO US ALL IN THIS AREA NOT ONLY THE CERTAINTY OF DEATH AND TAXES, BUT PERIODICALLY, ONE OF HYACINTH'S CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT.
( gulps ) ( grunting ) DON'T GRUNT WHEN YOU POLISH, RICHARD.
I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING, DEAR.
I DON'T THINK IT'S QUITE NICE TO HEAR PEOPLE BREATHING.
YOU'D THINK BY NOW EVOLUTION WOULD'VE REPLACED OUR UNFORTUNATE BODILY FUNCTIONS WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE TASTEFUL.
I SUPPOSE IT WAS PERFECTLY ADEQUATE FOR PRIMITIVE PEOPLES, BUT REALLY.
WELL, WE ARE MERELY MAMMALS AFTER ALL.
RICHARD, WHAT A THING TO SAY TO SOMEBODY WITH A SOLID SILVER, SELF-CLEANING SAUCE SEPARATOR.
NOW I KNOW THAT THIS EVENING IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER HUGE SUCCESS.
I SHALL USE MY ROYAL WORCESTER DOUBLE-GLAZED AVIGNON, OF COURSE.
I USED IT THE LAST TIME BUT NOBODY NOTICED.
THIS TIME, RICHARD, YOU WILL WAIT FOR A LAPSE IN THE CONVERSATION AND THEN YOU WILL INTRODUCE THE TOPIC CASUALLY.
- WHAT TOPIC? - THAT WE'RE ALL DINING FROM MY ROYAL WORCESTER, DOUBLE-GLAZED AVIGNON.
I PARTICULARLY WANT EMME TO APPRECIATE IT.
EMMET'S RECOVERING FROM A MESSY DIVORCE.
DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'LL BE OVERWHELMED BY YOUR ROYAL WORCESTER DOUBLE-GLAZED AVIGNON? HE'LL FIND I A GREAT COMFORT TO REALIZE THAT HE'S IN CIVILIZED SURROUNDINGS, DEAR.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
VERY NICE, DEAR.
JUST WIPE YOUR FINGERMARKS OFF THAT, WILL YOU? WHY ME? WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO GO TO HER CANDLELIGHT SUPPER? I'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH, LATELY.
OH, EMMET.
IT'S NO WORSE THAN A BAD DREAM.
- A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IT'S ALL OVER.
- A COUPLE OF HOURS?! THERE'LL BE OTHER PEOPLE-- EQUALLY STUNNED.
YOU MIGHT MEE SOMEONE YOU LIKE.
WHAT'S THE USE IF SHE'S GOING TO BE SINGING AT ME? WELL, STICK WITH RICHARD.
RICHARD'S NICE.
HOW DOES HE LIVE WITH HER? I'VE OFTEN WONDERED ABOUT THAT.
I EXPECT HE'S USED TO IT.
I THINK THAT'S AWFUL-- THAT ANY POOR DEVIL SHOULD BE USED TO IT.
AH, THERE YOU ARE! I THINK YOUR LITTLE DOGGIE DROPPED SOMETHING HERE, YESTERDAY.
FROM HIS COLLAR? HE STILL HAS HIS DISK.
NOT HIS COLLAR, NO.
I'M SURE IT'S YOURS AND I'D LIKE TO RETURN IT TO YOU.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT.
COME ALONG.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
OH.
TSK-TSK-TSK.
THANK YOU.
WELL, ARE WE GOING TO TIDY UP? ASK ONSLOW.
HE'S MASTER OF THE HOUSE.
ONSLOW, MR.
HELLIWELL'S COMING! DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO TIDY UP? GIVEN THE TRANSIENCE OF LIFE, BIOLOGY'S AWESOME POTENTIAL FOR INSTABILITY, AND THE POSSIBLE MEANINGLESSNESS OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, I DON'T THINK IT'S WORTH THE BOTHER.
I'M WITH ONSLOW.
- COME ALONG IN, ELIZABETH.
- THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
WIPE YOUR FEET, DEAR.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED TO INVITE ME FOR COFFEE, HYACINTH, WHEN YOU'RE SO BUSY.
OH, I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
A WELL-REGULATED HOUSEHOLD OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO FIND TIME TO MAKE A CUP OF COFFEE FOR A NEIGHBOR, HOWEVER GLITTERING THE OCCASION THIS EVENING.
DO SIT DOWN, ELIZABETH.
NO, NOT THERE, DEAR.
I LIKE TO FACE THE WINDOW.
PERHAPS EMMET WOULD LIKE TO POP IN FOR A COFFEE.
NO THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
I THINK HE'S BUSY.
OH, WELL THAT'S NICE.
KEEP HIS MIND OFF HIS DIVORCE.
HE MUSTN'T FEEL THAT HE'S ALONE.
I DON'T THINK HE DOES, HYACINTH, NOT SINCE HE MET YOU.
HOW VERY KIND.
NOW, WILL YOU HAVE MY BETTER CHINA, ELIZABETH, IF YOU PROMISE TO BE CAREFUL-- OR A BEAKER? A BEAKER, HYACINTH, DEFINITELY A BEAKER.
I THINK PERHAPS THAT'S WISE, DON'T YOU? WHO ELSE IS COMING THIS EVENING? ANYONE I KNOW? PERHAPS? THE ONE WITH THE SWIMMING POOL? - WELL, NO ACTUALLY.
- OH, SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
WELL, IT CAN' BE HELPED YOU KNOW.
BRUCE ISN'T AT ALL WELL.
NOTHING SERIOUS, I HOPE.
WELL, I THINK HE COULD JUST DO WITH A CHANGE.
( phone ringing ) THAT'S PROBABLY THE TELEPHONE.
RICHARD'LL TAKE IT.
IT MIGHT BE SHERIDAN.
HE LOVES TO RING ME AND TELL ME ABOUT HIS NEW FRIENDS.
MILK? NO, THANK YOU.
HE'S MADE SOME VERY NICE NEW FRIENDS.
SUGAR? NO, THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
NICE FRIENDS ARE SO IMPORTANT, AREN'T THEY? BISCUIT? NO, THANK YOU.
AND I DON'T MEAN THE HEARTY SPORTING CROWD EITHER.
ALL SHERIDAN'S FRIENDS ARE VERY ARTISTIC.
HELLO, LIZ.
TELEPHONE, HYACINTH, YOUR SISTER VIOLET AGAIN.
OH, VIOLET, YES.
THE ONE WITH A SWIMMING POOL AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
PERHAPS BRUCE IS COMING AFTER ALL.
HE IS NOT! WHAT IS IT NOW, VIOLET? NO, I HAVEN'T A GIRDLE THAT MIGHT FIT BRUCE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S AT ALL-- NOW, LOOK, I RESENT THE IDEA THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE YOU KNOW WHO HAS A GIRDLE.
I WILL NOT PASS MY DISCONTINUED GIRDLES ON TO BRUCE.
WELL, IF HE'S SUDDENLY ASHAMED OF HIS TUMMY, WHY DOESN'T HE LOSE WEIGHT? OH, WHY DO YOU PAMPER HIM, VIOLET-- I MEAN, APART FROM THE MONEY AND THE MERCEDES? ONSLOW.
YO? DO YOU THINK THE UNIVERSE IS MEANINGLESS? I MUST SAY I WAS INCLINED TOWARDS THAT THEORY WHEN I SAW YOU WEARING THAT SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE OVER A VEST.
BUT WHAT ABOUT LOVE? NOT RIGHT NOW, DAISE, I'M BUSY.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S IMPORTANT? DON'T YOU THINK IT GIVES LIFE A SORT OF MEANING? I ASSUME YOU'RE NO JUST TALKING ABOUT SEX.
I'M NOT.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX.
I'M TALKING ABOUT COMPANIONSHIP, AFFECTION-- FOR BOTH OF WHICH, IT'S OKAY TO WEAR A VEST.
MIND YOU, SEX WOULD BE NICE.
- THEY'RE OFF.
IF YOU WON'T DO IT, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO! OH, I DON'T KNOW, THOUGH.
I'LL TELL MR.
HELLIWELL TO PICK ME UP AT OUR HYACINTH'S.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO SWANNING ROUND TO OUR HYACINTH'S.
- WE'RE SISTERS, AREN'T WE? - SHE WON'T LIKE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SEEING BORIS TONIGHT.
OH, BORIS CAN WAIT! THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL GET PICKED UP AT OUR HYACINTH'S.
NOW, NO PEEPING.
NOT UNTIL I TELL YOU.
- WHOOPS.
- MIND THE FURNITURE, DEAR.
NOW! OPEN THEM NOW! - THE TABLE, DEAR! - OH, THE TABLE.
- YES, HOW DOES IT LOOK? - OH, IT LOOKS VERY NICE, HYACINTH.
VERY NICE.
IS THAT IT? IS THAT THE EXTEN OF YOUR ENTHUSIASM? IT LOOKS QUITE EXCEPTIONALLY NICE.
OH, RICHARD.
I SPEND HOURS ON THE AESTHETICS OF MY TABLE.
I WANT PEOPLE TO WALK THROUGH THIS DOOR, AND STAGGER BACK IN ADMIRATION.
I HAD A LITTLE STAGGER.
YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED IT, BUT IT WAS THERE.
RICHARD, I TRY TO USE YOU TO GAUGE OTHER PEOPLE'S RESPONSE AS THEY WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR.
AND IF THEY DON' DO BETTER THAN YOU, I'VE WASTED THE AFTERNOON.
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE I MISS SHERIDAN.
I'LL COME IN AGAIN.
I'VE GOT A REPUTATION TO MAINTAIN, DEAR.
I'M KNOWN FAR AND WIDE FOR THE TASTEFUL ACCESSORIES OF MY TABLE.
I WASN'T LOOKING PROPERLY LAST TIME.
BUT THIS TIME, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.
DO YOUR BEST, DEAR.
OH-HO! OH, NEVER MIND.
I'LL GET ELIZABETH.
SHE KNOWS HOW TO APPRECIATE A TABLE.
AND JUST BE CAREFUL OF MY PAINTWORK, DEAR.
YES, YES OF COURSE I'LL COME ROUND, HYACINTH.
YES, YOU WAN TO CHECK MY REACTION.
LIKE WE DID LAST TIME.
AND THE TIME BEFORE.
AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT.
NO, NO, IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU TO VALUE MY OPINION.
- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? - I'VE GOT TO POP ROUND AND LOOK AT HYACINTH'S TABLE.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT HYACINTH'S TABLE? SHE WANTS TO CHECK MY REACTION.
SHE'S BEEN WORKING ALL DAY ON HER TABLE.
- WHY DON'T YOU GO AND TELL HER--? - EMMET! IT'S EASIER THIS WAY.
EMMET, HOW DOES THIS LOOK? OH, HYACINTH! OH, DEAR.
DAMN.
- I'VE JUST POPPED ROUND-- - I KNOW.
- SHE'S IN THE DINING ROOM, WAITING.
- I'LL DO MY BEST.
LIZ, MIGHT I SUGGES A LITTLE STAGGER? - STAGGER? - BACKWARDS.
A LITTLE STAGGER BACKWARDS.
OH! TRUST ME.
OH, HYACINTH! NO, BORIS, I'M NOT GOING OU WITH YOU THIS EVENING.
NO, BORIS, YOU NEEDN' BOTHER COMING ROUND EITHER-- I SHAN'T BE HERE.
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE USED TO SI ON THE SETTEE TOGETHER, AND YOU USED TO NIBBLE MY EAR.
NOW, ALL YOU EVER NIBBLE IS CRISPS.
NO, BORIS WEREN'T TOO MANY FLAVORS IN THOSE DAYS.
IF YOU MUST KNOW, BORIS, I'M GOING OU WITH A MR.
HELLIWELL AND I DON'T CARE FOR LANGUAGE LIKE THA WHEN I'M WEARING MY BEST EARRINGS.
BE HONEST, SOME OF THE FIRE'S DEFINITELY GONE OUT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
NOTHING PERSONAL, DAISE, IT'S JUST-- WOMEN GET OLDER QUICKER.
I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT US MEN STAY ATTRACTIVE LONGER.
BECAUSE HE TREATS ME LIKE A LADY.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN HIM TAKE A LIBERTY WITHOUT REMOVING HIS HAT.
NO, BORIS, IT'S NO GOOD YOU COMING ROUND, DEAR, I SHAN'T BE HERE.
( phone ringing ) I DO HOPE THAT'S NO ANOTHER CANCELLATION.
YOU'D THINK PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT TO COME TO MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
THE "BOUQUET" RES-- YES, I'LL ACCEP THE CHARGE.
SHERIDAN, YOU REMEMBERED.
HOW SWEET OF YOU TO RING AND WISH MOMMY EVERY SUCCESS FOR HER SOCIAL ENTERTAINING.
WHAT DOES HE WANT? WANTSANYTHING, DEAR.
HE'S JUST RINGING HIS MOMMY TO WISH HER ALL THE BEST FOR-- YOU NEED A CHECK FOR HOW MUCH, DEAR? £70? YOU'RE NOT SPENDING I ON GIRLS, ARE YOU DEAR? YOU PROMISED MOMMY.
WE AGREED, NOT UNTIL AFTER YOU'D FINISHED YOUR EDUCATION.
OH, YOU AND TARQUIN AREN'T INTERESTED IN GIRLS.
WHAT A COMFORT THAT IS TO A MOTHER'S HEART, DEAR.
OH, YES OF COURSE, DEAR.
YOU RUN ALONG AND HELP TARQUIN FINISH THE IRONING.
AND DADDY WILL POP THE CHECK INTO THE POST.
GOODBYE.
MUST WE GO NOW, LIZ? COULDN'T WE DELAY IT A BIT? - SHE SAID TO COME EARLY.
- IT'S NOT A ROYAL COMMAND.
YOU WANT TO BET? I FIND THE EASIEST WAY IS TO GO ALONG WITH THINGS AND GET THEM OVER QUICKLY.
COME ON.
- SHE'LL SING AT ME.
- SHE'LL BE ENTERTAINING, HOW CAN SHE SING AT YOU? SHE'LL FIND A WAY.
I KNOW SHE WILL.
SHE'LL SING AT ME.
I WANT EMME TO HAVE A LITTLE TASTE OF MY MUSICAL TALENTS.
YOU WILL BRING THEM IN HERE WHERE I SHALL BE DISCOVERED AT THE PIANOFORTE.
NOW I'M RELYING ON YOU, RICHARD, TO LISTEN FOR THE BELL.
I'LL LISTEN, HYACINTH, WITH EVERY NERVE AQUIVER.
GOOD.
AND DON' FORGET THE ICE.
- OH, THE ICE.
- THE ICE.
( doorbell rings ) THERE'S THE BELL.
( off-key ) FOR TONIGHT FOR TONIGHT LET ME DREAM OF MY DREAM OF DELIGHT TRA LA LA TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA AND PURCHASE OF SOUL A MOMENT'S RESPITE OH! - WHAT IS IT, RICHARD? - THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR.
- IT'S YOUR SISTER, ROSE.
( piano clinks ) HELLO, HYACINTH.
ROSE, DEAR, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
RICHARD, THE ICE, DEAR.
I'M NOT STOPPING.
I'M JUST BEING PICKED UP HERE BY MR.
HELLIWELL.
COME ON.
( doorbell rings ) RICHARD, OUR GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED! ARE YOU EXPECTING COMPANY? IT'S JUST ELIZABETH FROM NEXT DOOR AND HER BROTHER EMMET.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW SHE HAD A BROTHER.
YES, HE'S RECOVERING FROM RATHER A BAD DIVORCE.
OH, DIVORCED IS HE? HELLO, HYACINTH.
OH, I AM-- OH, I CAN SEE HE'S SUFFERED.
SOME WOMEN CAN BE BITCHES.
RICHARD, HAVE YOU CRUSHED THE ICE, DEAR? - NOT REALLY.
- HURRY UP, DEAR.
WE'LL NEED IT FOR OUR FRAPPE!!E MINT JULEP.
( laughs ) ( doorbell rings ) RICHARD, ANSWER THAT, WILL YOU?! - ARE YOU HELLIWELL? - WHAT'S IT TO YOU? - ROSE IS MY BIRD! - THAT'S A MATTER OF OPINION.
- ROSE IS MINE.
- ROSE BELONGS TO ME! - WHERE IS SHE? - ROSE, TELL HIM I'M YOURS! IT'S FOR ROSE.
ROSE, COME OUT HERE! - GET RID OF THEM, RICHARD! - I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE! - HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THEM? - OH, IT'S JUST MUSCLE.
- THEY MUST LEAVE AT ONCE.
- DON'T WORRY, I'LL GE RID OF THEM.
I'VE GONE OFF BOTH OF THEM, ANYWAY.
I'M GOING TO STAY HERE AND HAVE SUPPER WITH EMMET.
IS RECOVERING FROM A PAINFUL DIVORCE, ROSE.
HE NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET THEN, DOESN'T HE? EXCUSE ME, RICHARD.
TELL HIM WHAT? - IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, HYACINTH? OH, YES.
( laughs ) EVERYTHING'S FINE.
YES.
FRESHEN EMMET'S DRINK, WILL YOU, RICHARD? I HAVEN' HAD ONE, YET.
- WHAT DID HE SAY? - HE SAID HE HASN' HAD ONE YET.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
YES.
ELIZABETH, HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER DOING WITH HER STUDYING?! QUITE WELL, THANK YOU! - DID YOU HEAR THAT? - I EXPECT EVERYBODY-- EVERYBODY HEARD.
DON'T SHOUT, DEAR.
- I'M SO GLAD THAT SHE IS-- - Boris: TAKE THAT! OOH, BORIS! IT WILL BE SO NICE FOR SHERIDAN TO HAVE SOMEBODY INTELLIGENT TO TALK TO WHEN HE COMES HOME! - OOH! - OW! YOU KNOW, I DO BELIEVE I FEEL A SONG COMING ON.
A SONG! EMMET, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, WON'T YOU, DEAR? WHEN THE MOON DICTATES WHAT WOULD ONE DO BUT JUST ANSWER THE HEART AND SING?! SING-- SING.
SING.
ROSE OF ENGLAND, THOU SHALT FADE-- I THINK I WILL HAVE THAT DRINK NOW, RICHARD.
PROUD AND BRIGHT FROM ROLLING YEAR TO YEAR WHILE HAND AND HEART ENDURE TO CHERISH THY PRIME THOU SHALT BLOSSOM TO THE END OF TIME.
( theme music playing )