Kevin Can F*** Himself (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

This has been the worst
72 hours of my life.
I'm faking my own death.
So you're looking for a way out.
I have heard of women,
you know, getting out.
People assume that they died.
Allison tried to kill you.
What is marriage if not
a death sentence, right?
- If you need help, I'm around.
- Get out.
I don't want to be me
anymore. I need your help.
Obviously I have a lot to figure out.
I am working on it
because I really do want you around.
I am helping you with
this one last thing.
You have my services.
- Great.
- We're a lot of work.
Get the hell out of my house!
Neil?
God, what the hell?
Stop hitting me!
Jesus Christ, haven't
you assaulted me enough?!
I'm No.
This is not the time to be
in a woman's house at 4:00 AM
sneakin' around!
I wasn't sneakin'!
I was bein' quiet.
Excuse me I didn't wanna wake you up.
Have you seen the news
in this town lately?
You're lucky I didn't
Are you stealin' from me?
No.
I-I think of it more like
medical reimbursement.
Since the concussion you
gave me, I can't sleep.
I need weed, you can afford it.
Give me that!
Here.
Now get out.
I said I needed to sleep, not get drunk.
Look, can you just give me, like, $40.
It's the least you can do.
No.
No. I'm done.
I'm not gonna let you hold
what happened over my head
for the rest of our lives.
You screwed up, too
Hey, shut up.
I'm not holding anythin' over your head.
I only wish you hit me harder
so I could forget all this shit.
I don't want to think about it,
I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to pretend like
it never happened at all.
But I just
I need to sleep.
Wait, I'll give you
I'll give you the money.
Oh, wife!
Oh! Oh! Are you kidding me?!
Ah! Of course I'm kidding you.
If I wasn't, that'd be mean.
And hey, you know, it's not officially
Pal-o-ween until I scare
the bejesus out of you!
Oh, great. It's Pal-o-ween again.
Yep! The official holiday
to share a 'ween between pals.
Well, you know, the day that
Neil and I scare each other.
- Right.
- The 31st of every month.
Just to be clear, nothin'
about that statement
sounds wrong to you?
Oh! I see what you mean.
You think that we
should have the holiday
twice a month! Okay!
I know I must be maturing,
'cause I'm not even
- gonna go there.
- Thank you?
And, uh, I know I know
I know it might seem a
bit insensitive to do this
while the Patriots are
gettin' murdered every Sunday,
but I think they'd
want me to carry on
In their honor.
Okay, you need to stop honoring thing
'cause it's always super disrespectful.
- Like when?!
- Like, you only did a tribute
to John Lennon so you'd
have an excuse to sing
a dirty version of "Imagine."
"Imagine all the pee-holes"?
Like I'm supposed to
keep that to myself?!
Wait, where are you going?
Goin' to the movies with Patty.
No, no, no, no, no! You can't!
You are a crucial part of
the Pal-o-ween celebration!
Last week, you said,
"Hey, babe, no offense,
but it's wicked cool
when you're not here."
Wow! That was mean!
I know!
I don't sound anything like that!
- Goodbye.
- Wait! No, no, no!
You can't leave! You can't!
We'll get too scared!
I-I mean, Neil gets scared
watchin' the horror movies,
and you You're the
The harsh dose of reality that we
He needs to keep us
Him from gettin' too scared.
We need ya!
Well, remind him it's just a movie.
Nothin' like the actual murders
that happened on the street.
- Hmm?
- On a night just like this.
Goodbye!
Ah!
I don't know why you
do this to yourself.
Ugh. Just keep them in one place.
I have a system!
Oh, yeah? What system is that?
I live my life. I throw
my keys where I want.
Keeps me spontaneous.
Ugh! I'm gonna be late.
It's just Allison.
You really can't blow
her off and come with me?
I know it's annoying, but I promised her
that I'd go pick up
a coffee table with her
from this guy off Craigslist.
She's freaked out and
doesn't want to go alone.
Of course.
Wouldn't want to see her get murdered.
Wow. Sorry, I didn't mean that.
I said I would try with her, and I will.
- I am.
- Thank you.
And you don't even really
have to try that hard.
Well, it's not just that
Work kinda sucks right now.
I'm not in homicide, but
the general sense of failure
just sort of trickles down.
Oh! Sounds like the O'Connor
household growin' up.
My sister planned
tonight to cheer me up,
or at least get me drunk.
If you think I'm gonna miss a chance
to see you slightly out of control?
I'm gonna be there.
I want to be there.
Just gonna be a little bit late.
Your keys are on the bathroom sink.
You knew where they were?
I guessed.
Thank you for hanging out today.
I will see you later.
Lock up when ya leave.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Jesus!
Well, that was a bit dramatic.
Okay, well, you walk really quiet.
No one has ever accused
me of that before.
I can also walk really quietly
away if that's what you want.
No, no, no, I Promise
I won't be a dick.
I'm just freaked out.
Can't do this without you.
Say it again.
I cannot do this without you.
Okay, that's better.
And thank you so much,
and I care for you a great deal.
Me, too. Whatever.
What'd you tell Kevin
we're doin' tonight?
Uh, seein' a movie.
Just once when you say we
were goin' to the movies,
I wish we were actually
goin' to the movies!
Well, we can when this is all over.
We can't, Allison.
'Cause you'll be dead.
Hi.
Yeah, yeah. Get inside.
So Good evening.
Shall I take your coats?
Oh. Um Unh.
It's a little chilly in here. I'm okay.
I wasn't serious you're
not getting comfortable, okay?
You're in, you're out. You've
found your bachelorette.
So, she's in here?
It's here or the itinerant
section of the graveyard,
but most of those folks
kicked it a long time ago.
This is your best bet
for a new identity.
- 'Kay.
- Can't you just f-forge us
some documents that
say Madison McLoberts
or something?
This needs to last you
the rest of your life.
You need a real person,
someone unclaimed, young, single
- Dead.
- Dead.
As far as identities go,
I mean, this seems like
a pretty pathetic one to assume.
- Sorry.
- Capobianco's a buddy.
Well, a contact.
He's known for taking
all the unclaimed bodies
no one else in the city
will get rid of or bury.
- That's weird.
- That's helpful!
And yeah, a little weird.
He's done this for me once before.
He leaves the place open
and doesn't stick around
to ask any questions.
Go to the storage room in the basement.
It's at the south east
side of the building.
Look for a name and
background that works.
- Good luck.
- Wait! No! You're not comin'?
I did what you paid me for!
The rest is up to you gals.
I wouldn't take too long if I were you.
What, is he coming back?
No, but is an empty
mortuary where you wanna be?
"White female, born
between 1979 and 1991."
You think you could pass for 30?
Okay, the PI wrote that, not me.
Oh! That explains why
it's written in the margins
of a Boston Whaler brochure.
"Little online presence,
no surviving loved ones,
"on vaca" On vacation?
Yeah, well, if she died here
but was from another state,
her Social Security number's
probably still active.
Ugh! On vacation in Worcester?!
I thought the new you
couldn't get any sadder.
I'm so sorry.
What is it?
Nothin'. Just glad you're here.
Let's find that very sad
bachelorette of yours and leave.
I don't want to be here
longer than we have to be.
Okay, now who's being dramatic?
I'm not scared.
I'm busy And cold.
- You're busy?
- Yeah.
I have plans with Tammy later.
Okay, well, if you had plans,
then we could've done this
- another time.
- No, you wanna be here longer
than we have to be?
You're right.
We will be quick.
I am right.
Have to say, this place is
actually pretty gorgeous.
Sure it is.
If you like cherubs.
Uh, which door.
- It's downstairs.
- What?
No, I'm thinking that's how
we get into the basement,
you know, and then it's
probably just a couple of turns
to get into the south east corner.
Well, I have no sense of direction.
I used to think that north was
just whatever was in front of me.
Well, the guy said south east corner,
so, in the basement.
Hey, buddy.
I'm comin'.
Great. Even further underground.
What kinda guy takes in
bodies nobody else wants?
I mean, it sounds charitable.
I think it's creepy.
- So, what are your plans later?
- Huh?
With Tammy, or
Oh, yeah. Uh, board games.
Here it is.
Okay, who the hell is this guy?
Who knew there was a version of
death sadder than regular death?
"Eleanor Barrett, 1964." No.
"Deirdre Ryan, 1987." That could work.
It just feels like
punishment for dyin' alone.
Well, Deirdre did die alone,
but she had a very active Facebook page,
which is not helpful.
What was that?
I thought we were alone here.
"Michelle Borgeous."
Wait, "Michelle Borj-us."
It feels like you're just
burnin' through names.
Well, Allison, I gotta go!
I know, I know.
You have plans.
I thought you hated board games.
What are you talkin' about?
Just sayin', you don't have
to pretend to like a thing
just to make someone happy.
I found her.
Born in Connecticut.
Died on the Mass Pike near Grafton
in a very violent pile up.
No kids, no husband.
Okay, can you just be quiet, please?
The article about the accident
only mentions her name once.
No obit, not even a
coworker who was guilted
into doing a GoFundMe
to pay for the funeral.
Completely unremarkable and alone!
- "Gertrude Fronch"?
- Uh-huh.
You want me to be someone
named Gertrude Fronch?
And she's 10 years older than me?!
Well you look really
good for your 40s.
No, no, no. Not happening.
Sorry.
Oh, God, Allison.
- Hi, Mom.
- You weren't going at
the honey-baked, were you?
I know you're an emotional eater,
but nitrates killed your father.
Well, they say heart attacks
can also be brought on by stress.
I can't stress enough
how much I don't care.
There's that bedside
manner that took care of Dad
in his final moments?
Um, it's a great photo.
'Cause it's 15 years old.
He was always "about to get healthy,"
lose weight, eat better
- Stop drinkin'?
- Oh, no.
He was a liar, not an idiot.
Well, are you gonna pick that up,
or are we too good for
the five second rule?
- Right.
- No one's even had any.
It's too fancy.
I never should have
let you plan the wake.
I bought a ham, it's
not the end of the world.
It's not that you bought a ham.
It's that you think we're ham people.
It's like that suit you put Dad in.
I don't even know where you got that.
Well, it's Gucci, but
it's spelled with two O's,
so I thought it was fine.
You're just like your father.
Real lofty goals,
terrible follow through.
I spent 30 years bringing
that man down to earth.
What am I gonna do now?
Well, I guess I still
have you to keep an eye on.
Actually, I was thinkin'
about going away to school.
Oh, Allison.
College is for ham people.
I like Gertrude.
Gertie.
She checks all the boat pamphlet boxes.
No, I can't be that
for the rest of my life!
This is supposed to be improvement.
Allison, you specifically need a loser.
What do you want now?
You want to be a loser
with a pretty name and a cool backstory?
Look, I know that this
is gross and creepy,
but we've been looking
for, like, five minutes.
- Allison
- I
I feel like if we actually try,
we can do better than
Gertrude Fronch, okay?
Now, come on.
I got a five, six, seven.
You can't go out unless you hit 30.
Why do we play if you
don't pay attention
during the instructions?
Can I please just have it back?
- No.
- Come on.
You were staring at it too much.
It was getting pathetic. Keep drinking.
It's my phone, you can't just steal it.
Why not? You stole my
Ralph Lauren sweater.
- Mom got it from Loehmann's.
- Whatever.
You still ruined it.
I was 15. We're grown now.
Or at least, I thought we were.
Listen, if she texts and
you haven't responded,
it'll make you look busy.
It's not just about her.
I'm also waiting on a call
about surveillance footage
from a precinct in Vermont.
That's, like, important police work.
Come on!
Jesus, Kim, it's her
phone. Just give it to her.
Anything?
Not from her.
I tried to save you from this.
Who's Neil?
And why's he called you 13 times?
James Fitzpatrick, Todd Kelly
- Ugh!
- No luck?
No!
God, I hate this place.
My dad's wake was here.
Worst day of my life.
It was also the night I met Kevin.
And you! Remember?
No.
Can we just get out of here.
- We have what we need.
- Okay.
I know this isn't fun, but we're
figuring out the rest of my life, okay?
It could mean the
difference between me dying
surrounded by fat little
grandkids, and this.
It's It's a name.
No, it's my future. I'm not like you.
I can't just pretend to like things.
I thought you said you
weren't gonna be a dick.
I'm not. I
Hey!
Are you ladies warm enough?
- Yeah.
- No.
We're gonna get out of
here. Thank you for
- Yeah. Sorry, sorry.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
No.
I think there's a bus comin'
in a couple of minutes.
I know there's a creepy guy downstairs,
but I'd rather wait here
than out in the cold.
Okay. Well, have fun with Tammy.
What What are you doing?
I'm going to the
graveyard. It's right here.
Billy said that's where the
other abandoned bodies are.
I
I can't go with you.
I know.
- Whoa! Oh!
- Oh, God.
- Jesus.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sweater's tricky.
I bet.
Hello?! How hard is it to pour a beer?
I got cash.
Hey. You can have some of this.
I kinda hate beer, but
it reminds me of my dad
and this was his favorite bar, so
It kinda felt right today.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I was gonna pay tribute
to him by watching NASCAR
and getting yelled at by my
mom, but this felt more fun.
Yeah.
It looks like you're havin' fun.
On the day of my mother's funeral,
I threw up Bailey's behind the church.
That's no good.
Hey.
Sorry! Sorry.
Sorry about your mother.
How old were you when she passed?
I was 11.
Oh.
Yeah, it was a bad day.
It was a bad year, actually.
But she would've understood the booze.
I bet your dad would've too.
Yeah.
Hey, maybe they're getting
drunk together somewhere.
Oh, I doubt that for
a whole lot of reasons.
But if delusions make you happy
They do. They do.
They do, so, thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you sure you don't want any of this?
I promise I won't cry on you
if you sit next to me.
No, I-I'm waiting on my, uh
On my brother and his idiot friends.
- Okay.
- I'll make them buy me one.
Nice to meet you.
Patty.
- Patty.
- Yeah.
I'm Allison.
Well, good night.
Watch out for that sweater.
Okay.
Maybe I should come back in the day.
Shit.
Fantastic.
Ah!
And bam He walks right into me!
There's coffee, donuts
flyin' everywhere.
I look at him and I says,
"Should we exchange insurance info?"
Like a car accident!
Hi.
Hi.
Why do I get the feeling
that no one in this bar
is having as much fun as you are?
Because no one ever does!
I'm not very good at fun.
Yeah. I can tell.
You're dressed all fancy.
Oh. It's not fancy.
It's Gucci, but with two O's.
But it's too binding, you know?
I mean, if you wanna
have fun, you gotta be
ready to haul ass at any moment.
Haul ass? From what?
Bouncers, Yankee fans,
various nocturnal animals.
You think he's jokin'?
He had rabies last week.
I'm Kevin,
rabies-free since Friday.
And this is Neil and Doug,
my two best buds in the whole world.
Um, hello?!
And that's Neil's sister.
Oh, we, uh We met at the bar earlier.
Run for your life.
You look like you, uh, need a drink.
Oh, uh, well, I'd love a beer.
Whoa. A chick who likes beer?
I didn't know they exist.
Hello?!
So, uh, you want a bottle or a tap?
Uh, tap sounds great.
All right
That'll be $5.
Goddamn idiot.
Jesus.
Can you just calm down?
Ah! Ow! Ow! Leg up!
God!
You okay?
Yeah.
I thought you left.
I knew you'd never find
your way around here alone.
I didn't know I'd find you
at the bottom of a grave.
Well, I got lost.
You ever think it's not that you
have a bad sense of direction,
you just gotta pay attention
to where you're goin'?
Maybe.
Yeah.
Alright. Come on.
Let's get you up.
Wha Alright.
Don't be a hero.
- Hey.
- Arm up.
Thank you.
Yeah.
How's it feel?
I think I can put some weight on it now.
Well, careful.
Yeah. Ooh.
Did I make you miss your board games?
Probably.
I'm sorry.
Eh. I'll grovel.
It'll be fine.
I also could've left.
Well, you should've.
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe
that place is cursed for you.
Tonight, you almost got
yourself buried alive.
The last time you were there,
it was the worst day of your life.
Maybe find yourself a new funeral home.
It wasn't the worst day of
my life because of the wake.
Hey, uh
Can we, uh, just wait?
I need a minute before
I can go back in there.
Sure.
I think we're okay, I think we're safe.
Well, gang ha-ha!
This Pal-o-ween has been
Weird.
I'll say.
Do you guys normally get this scared?
Psh. The only thing I'm scared of
is not seein' the rest of this movie,
with my eyes wide open,
breathin' normally.
I'm gonna get another beer.
Uh, will you grab me
another Miller Lite?
But please, leave the door
open, and whistle the whole time
so I know where you are,
and please don't whistle anything
too spooky.
I'm gonna hit the men's.
It's always harder for
me to be scared by a movie
after I've seen my whole
downstairs situation.
I guess I really
freaked out tonight, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, you
You got pretty scared.
But hey, how cool is it that
no we have our own personal cop
we can call any time you
start panicking like a child?
Yeah I've been having
trouble sleeping lately.
- It's done a real number on me.
- I can tell.
You thought my dad
was a psycho intruder.
We almost shot him!
What was that?
A killer zombie monster?
Neil, you're supposed to suggest
something harmless first
so I can dismiss it!
God, you have no sense of horror banter!
Ugh Not in my house, you psycho!
Jesus!
Are you okay?
So, let me get this straight
It's not that hard to follow, Allison!
Ya left us alone on Pal-o-ween,
which means Neil was
apt to get terrified
and fly off the handle!
But how does that lead
to Tammy bein' here,
and you kickin' a door into my face?
Listen, Neil came over to
watch the scariest movie
- of all time "Zombie Buffet."
- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"?
Which is when we heard the weird noises
coming from the basement, so obviously,
we assumed it was the psycho intruder.
Or Mr. Dracula.
I will not give that sicko the respect
of calling him "count."
Go home, Neil.
So, obviously, we called for backup
Our pal Tammy, who we
know we can always count on
in situations like these.
Yeah, maybe count on me just
a little less from now on.
So, we all went
downstairs to investigate,
but turns out, it was just Pete.
I've been squatting in the
basement the last two weeks.
That's what the noises were.
So, after Tammy re-holstered her gun,
we all had a good laugh!
At least, until I heard
you sneakin' up the stairs,
and obviously assumed
that you were a zombie
comin' to eat my plentiful flesh.
I-I can't
How is she still not getting this?!
Uh, gee, Pete, maybe it's
the severe blow to the head?
In my defense, Allison,
I don't know what you
were doing out there
moaning like a freak and
looking like an undead hag.
That's your defense?
How did this happen? I thought
you were picking up
- a coffee table?
- No! No, no, no!
I love our coffee table!
It looks like it was fixed by NASA.
Wait, is that why you said that
you were going to the movies?
To trick me?
Yep. Yep.
But, uh, joke's on me,
'cause I slipped on the guy's lawn
and the septic tank was seeping through.
How embarrassin'.
Classic Allison! Ugh.
So, what, you're sitting
there leaking septic juice
- all over our couch?
- "Our" couch?
Oh, I live here permanently now.
I'm gonna go hang out
someplace a little less weird.
Maybe bust a meth house or something.
I protect and serve.
You kick a door into my face.
I pop you in the face
by accident one time.
How many times do I
have to say "I'm sorry"?!
Uh, once would be nice.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
You gonna go out with Kevin?
Uh, yeah.
I told him I always wanted
someone to cook for me,
and he said he'd make me
a fancy dinner on Friday.
What?
Nothin'.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Hey.
Can I see it?
Jesus.
You think Gertrude's what I should do?
You're asking me?
Yeah.
I mean
I think so.
Yes.
Okay.
Then that's what I'll do.
You trust me to figure
out the rest of your life?
You have a sense of direction.
Allison.
Oh. Happy birthday.
- It's your birthday?
- Tomorrow.
How come she knew and I didn't?
We're planning
a surprise party for Patty.
- A surprise party?
- Yes.
And I was actually gonna ask
you if you would help me plan it.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Surprise!