Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[SIGHS.]
What what are you doing? What? I'm moving my stuff in.
I like to personalize my workspace.
Okay, well, you're personalizing my workspace.
There's only one desk here so for now, looks like we're sharing it, okay? Unbelievable.
I'll tell you what's unbelievable lack of leg room I got over here.
[TAPPING.]
You hear that? You hear that, by the way? - [TAPPING CONTINUES.]
- You know what that is? It's my knees.
[TAPPING CONTINUES.]
- Can you stop doing that? - [TAPPING CONTINUES.]
- Stop doing it.
- I get it.
So I guess we're equal partners, but when it comes to desk space Shh! So much for the glass ceiling you women are always complaining about.
Okay, look, I just I have a lot to do today.
- Please, okay? Thank you.
- Well, so do I, okay? [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh, just get this Give me a little bit.
[OBJECTS CLATTER.]
You done? Sorry.
Okay.
- [CLINKING LOUDLY.]
- Okay.
[CLINKING CONTINUES.]
I am not your ordinary guy [SIGHS.]
Sara! Jack! Let's go.
Time for school.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey! Hey.
So good news.
This partnership is actually working out.
We got our first job.
Nice.
Who we taking down? Uh, nobody.
Working at a car dealership.
We gotta keep the geese off the cars.
Bring my gun, laser? What do I do? Okay, listen, listen.
Don't complain.
It's a job.
If our company is gonna grow, Golden Phoenix Security has to take these little jobs.
Okay, first of all, the name “Golden Phoenix” literally the worst company name ever.
And I worked for Camel Towing.
I Stop it.
I'm gonna come up with a name.
I'm very good at that.
You know how my mind's always working? - Flipping overtime? Just workin'? - [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Yello! Kevin Gable Security.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Write that down.
Write that down.
That's good.
It's going.
It's going.
I'm not writing it down.
It's not going.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Yes, I will do.
Thank you.
Hey, that was Jack's school.
They said he needs a new EpiPen for his nut allergy.
Okay, I'll take care of it.
Wait a second.
Jack has a nut allergy? I I've seen him crush peanuts at a Met game.
No, wait a second.
That might might've been popcorn.
Oh, yeah.
It was popcorn.
And it wasn't Jack.
That was me.
I was eating Well, actually, Dad, he's not allergic.
He fakes it so he can sit with the allergy kids at lunch.
What? Yeah, but he didn't want me to tell you, so don't say anything.
Hey, buddy.
Kendra tells me you're faking a nut allergy at school.
Well, she scratched your car and blamed it on a shopping cart.
Wanna do this? No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
Calm down.
What's going on? Talk to me.
Middle school's tough.
You gotta get in with a group, or you're eating alone.
Yeah, but the allergy kids? What are you doing? They're the easiest to fit in with.
You just gotta sit there not eating nuts.
I could do that all day.
I'm doing it right now.
Okay, but I'm not paying for an EpiPen.
Please, those guys love me.
A week ago, I ate a peanut on a dare.
Now they look at me like I'm a god.
A god! Look, you can't base a friendship off of a lie, you know? Now just go there and come clean to your friends, and I'm sure if they're true friends, - they're gonna stick by you, okay? - [HORN HONKS.]
Oh, that's Chale.
Sara! Come on! You're gonna be late for school.
Morning, Daddy! Good morning.
Incredible day, isn't it? Hey, where's your, uh, your backpack? - Silly me.
It's upstairs! - All right.
Must be tough, huh? What's that? Isn't it obvious? I mean, Sara has a boyfriend.
- Are you out of your mind? - What are you talking about? Teenage girl bounding down the stairs, smelling like papaya, wearing lip gloss.
- She has chapped lips.
- Yes! From kissing her boyfriend! Are you serious? You you have no idea, okay? I know my daughter.
Believe me.
Okay, listen.
She's a teenage girl.
Her body is going through changes that you couldn't possibly understand.
Never say that again.
- I don't wanna hear that, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
The bottom line is, - that teenage girl has a boyfriend.
- Oh, please.
Okay.
- Love you, Daddy.
- Okay, hey, uh, Sara, listen, um, I know we don't talk about certain things like you and mom did, but is there something going on in your life right now that you're not telling me about? Um, actually, I was going to Jenny's after school to study.
Okay, well, thank you for being honest.
I appreciate that.
- It's how you raised me.
- Yeah, all right.
Mm.
Love ya.
Okay.
That's fine.
Don't believe me.
But you could trust this she is not studying.
I mean, I used to say those kinds of things to my father, too, and I was actually hanging out with my boyfriend in his tow truck.
- [WHISPERS.]
Classy.
- Okay.
You know what? I'm actually starting to like the name “Kevin Gable Security.
” The slogan can be, “We see nothing.
” - I got it.
- What? “Monkey Fist.
” Excuse me? The name for our company “Monkey Fist Security” Think about it.
It says everything we wanna say power, strength, feet like hands.
That's the name of the company? Do monkeys even make fists? Are you kidding me? They're making them all the time.
They're so strong.
They're walking around.
And I'm not even talking about your silverback gorilla.
I'm talking your average zoo monkey "like the one you see on “The Tonight Show" riding a mini bike like, oh! You know, you've said some dumb things in the past, but this is the dumbest.
By the way, next to humans, monkeys? Smartest species on the planet.
Right.
Next to humans.
We are humans.
Why would anybody wanna hire a security company a notch dumber? Monkeys are badass.
- Okay.
- Is this a bad time? Oh, no, uh, Vanessa, this is Rootger, he's my neighbor.
So, uh So you're Vanessa? Hmm.
He said you wore too much eye makeup, but I don't see it.
Okay.
Remember we talked about the phrase, “This never leaves the room”? I said it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, now I know what it means.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, wait.
I have my résumé with me.
Okay, great.
Oh, yeah, I told Rootger that maybe in the future we could hire him.
Yeah, of course, when we get more accounts.
You're definitely Monkey Fist material, though.
Yes, definitely.
You're big, you're bald, and you look very scary.
You know, I'm sorry.
But I have to stop you right there.
I have a girlfriend.
Okay, well, you let me know if that status changes, okay? All right.
You know what, Rootger? We'll just we'll give you a jingle, okay? - Okay.
- All right, buddy.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
No, I meant I meant we'll give you a jingle at home.
We'll call you.
It's probably gonna be, like, a while, you know.
No, that's okay.
I don't wanna miss the moment.
I'll wait right here.
- Yeah, he's gonna wait here.
- Okay.
- He's fine.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, wow.
I just got a text from Sara.
Are you kidding me? She just got arrested.
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
I read it wrong.
She's at her friend Jenny's house studying Just like she said she would Here's the thing when it comes to my kids, I gotta tell ya, I'm plugged in and you wanna know why? 'Cause I am both a mother and a father.
- Mm.
What's Sara's middle name? - It's Marie.
Is it difficult? Yeah, at times it can be difficult.
But am I up for the challenge? You bet I am.
And you wanna know why? 'Cause I am both a mother and a father.
Did you know she has a second Facebook page? I did not.
It's under Sara Marie, and she just checked in at a Hot Skates Roller Rink with a boy named Tommy De Luca.
- What? - You know, back in the '80s, I was kind of a big thing at Hot Skates.
Mama had it goin' on! She she lied to me right to my face.
Mm.
Turns out you're one dumb mother father.
No.
We did not order a monkey.
Okay, listen, don't bring it here because I'm not paying for it.
That's right.
[STAMMERS.]
Kevin? - Hey, Rootger.
- Hey.
What are you What are you still doing here? Just doing a crossword puzzle.
But don't worry.
Once you hire me, these go bye-bye.
Where's Kevin? I do not know.
Uh, I think you do know because I see some sweat forming on the dome there.
Puzzles make me nervous.
This one is very challenging.
Plus, look, I'm doing it in pen.
Listen, if you wanna work here, you're gonna have to tell me where Kevin is.
[SIGHS.]
At the roller rink looking for his daughter - even though you specifically - [SIGHS.]
told him not to do that.
- Please hire me.
- That idiot! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Oh, look at you.
Tommy De Luca with the hair and the perfect teeth and the ironed shirt.
I ain't buyin' it.
MAN OVER P.
A.
: The dancing reptile's here tonight.
Say hello to Larry, The Funky Dragon.
[THUD.]
Hey, T-Rex.
I'll give you 20 bucks to get you out of that costume.
Not happening.
Head don't come off for less than 50.
Fine.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hey.
Uh-oh.
Monosyllabic, hunched shoulders.
Let me guess.
Bad grade on a test, or did a pretty girl reject your overtures? No.
Worse.
I told the peanut allergy kids I didn't have any allergies.
Ah, yes.
Kendra told me about your little ruse.
I gather it didn't go well.
They snapped my EpiPen in half and wrote “peanut eater” on my locker.
Pretty feisty for kids with compromised immune systems.
[SIGHS.]
I'm banned from their table.
Now I have no one to eat lunch with.
I'm sorry, Jack.
Look, finding the right group to fit in with can be challenging.
But I bet I can help you out.
It may be hard to believe, but I was not always the cool, confident man you see before you.
No, when I was your age, I was overweight, I had acne, and I used a cane.
Wait, what was the cane for? A bit of panache.
You're hiding somewhere.
Where are you? Vanessa Cellucci? Vinnie Scarfino? - [LAUGHS.]
Hey! - Well, look at you! You haven't changed that much.
- You neither.
- Oh! Look, we still got your trophy.
- Ohh.
- As far as I'm concerned, there's only ever been one Miss Hot Skates.
Oh, that's very sweet.
I mean, there's been many.
I mean, I was just one.
Although, it was the most competitive year.
But I don't wanna, you know You had it all.
Electric smile, mint personality.
Yeah, like a real pretty horse.
That's very that's very kind of you.
So what have you been doing with your life? Well, I've been a cop for 20 years, and now I own my own security company.
- What about you? - I run the skate rental.
Sounds like we're both doing good, huh? - Yes, yes, we are.
- Yeah.
Man, what's Larry doing out there? Is he having a seizure? Wait a second.
[GRUNTS.]
That's not Larry.
Hey, Vin, hook me up with some wheels.
Size 6, am I right? Oh, that's very sweet that you remembered, but make it an 8, you know? - [PANTING.]
- Idiot.
- All right, easy, easy.
- What are you doing? Ow! Your stupid fingernails are cutting through my suit.
[PUNCH LANDS.]
[GROANS.]
I'm okay.
That one landed.
Not cool.
Listen to me! You cannot embarrass Sara in front of her friends! It'll scar her for life.
MAN OVER P.
A.
: All right, let's turn up the heat and find yourself a mate.
That's right.
It's time for couples skate.
Couples skate only.
Oh, this ain't happenin'.
Leave them alone! You're making a big mistake.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have royalty in the house! Our very own skate queen, Miss Hot Skates 1982 Vanessa Cellucci! [DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, superstar.
You better not even think - about skating with that girl.
- Are you talking to me? Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.
Look into my eyes.
No, no, my eyes are in my mouth, my mouth.
Look in my mouth, man! My eyes are in here.
Look at 'em.
See 'em? - Huh? - My eyes are in here, okay? I can't take the smell in here.
It stinks! [COUGHING.]
[WHEEZING AND HACKING.]
Come on.
Let's go, slow poke.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, somebody doesn't wanna listen.
Here comes the pain train! Dad? [GRUNTS.]
Any tightness in your chest, Jack? Constriction of your airway? Nothing.
My throat couldn't be more open.
What are you guys doin'? Oh, Jack has been exiled from the nut allergy table.
Turns out they can be a touch elitist.
So, uh, we're just seeing if he's allergic to anything.
But I'm totally healthy.
Thanks for nothin'.
Look, I'm sorry things worked out this way for you, you know.
By the way, you got a lot of things wrong with you.
- Like what? - You had chickenpox.
That was Sara.
Man, I gotta start writing this stuff down.
All right.
Well, you had that rash on your arm.
Remember that? Every you'd itch it, it'd look like a snow globe? - Oh.
Uh, eczema.
- Yeah, it was definitely eczema.
- It was big time eczema.
- Ooh.
Is it serious? Serious? Are you are you kidding me? Chale, tell him how I mean, it was Oh, absolutely.
Sometimes even special creams are prescribed.
Oh, do you hear that? Special creams.
I gotta tell you, for my money, it blows a nut allergy out of the water.
I don't remember having it, though.
See, that's another thing.
Memory loss.
That's a side effect of eczema right there.
I gotta tell you, Jack, I love you, but you're a mess.
- You really are.
- Thanks, Dad.
Yep.
I have eczema! How cool is that?! Hey, how'd it go? Well, she was upset, but I think, you know, it helped to have another woman to talk to, you know, someone's who's been through things.
So she's ready for you to go up and apologize.
Apologize? Are you kidding me? She lied to me.
Twice! First about the Facebook thing and then about where she was.
In fact, now that I think about it, maybe she's the one stealing - my yogurt pretzels.
- Okay.
Please stop being so stubborn about this.
If you make a big deal about it, it's gonna make a bad situation worse.
[HUFFS.]
[GROANS.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey.
Hey.
[SIGHS.]
Listen, I, uh, talked it over with Vanessa, and she thinks I should treat you like an adult [SIGHS.]
and apologize to you.
And I wanna do that.
- Great.
- But I can't.
I tried.
Seriously, I can't get it in my head.
It's just not happening.
It's not gonna happen.
It can't.
Seriously? Because let me explain, all right? I know your mother would've handled things differently.
And believe me, I wish she was here.
But truth is, you're stuck with me, and I got news for you you cannot lie to me, all right? I've seen too much.
I know what happens out there.
You know, one day you're sneaking off to a roller rink and the next, you're smoking meth behind a Long John Silver's.
Come on, Dad.
No, I've seen it, and not on the job.
Believe me, you eat lunch there enough, you're gonna see some stuff.
Look, I'm sorry I lied to you.
I know you are.
[PLASTIC CREAKS.]
I'll say I'm sorry, too, all right? 'Cause I know we don't communicate as much as we should.
I'm I'm gonna work on that, okay? Good.
And from now on, we just keep things simple, all right? You let me know what you're doing and and who you're doing it with.
- Okay.
- All right, we're good? - Yeah, we're good.
- All right.
Okay.
Now this may be a little bit uncomfortable, and believe me, this is awkward asking this as a dad, but I have to know, and I want a straight and honest answer.
Have you or have you not been eating my yogurt pretzels? What do you want, nut eater? You're gonna tell us what cashews taste like? All right, I'm not allergic to nuts, but I do have something else, and it's pretty serious.
Oh, yeah? What? Eczema.
Eczema? Does it close up your throat? I don't know.
I can't remember.
Memory loss! All part of the eczema.
It doesn't.
Now take your itchy skin and find another table.
You know what? I don't wanna eat lunch with you.
All you do is sit around and judge people.
Hey, Jack.
That was really great, the way you stood up to those guys.
Thanks.
It had to be said.
Do you wanna eat with me? I have eczema, too.
See? Oof.
I think I'll skip lunch.
Huh? What do you think? - Let it wash over ya.
- [SNIFFS.]
I'm gonna give you 30 minutes to get it to the dumpster.
See, I knew you were gonna say that, that's why I super-glued it up there.
Actually, Gorilla-Glued it up there.
Once again, strength.
Okay.
I like it.
Fist says power.
The face says, “give me your bananas” He's, uh, he's not gonna go home, is he? - Probably not, no.
- Okay.