Laid (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

1 I'm gonna have sex with Marcus.
What about Charlie? Who do you think I'm doing this for? What if you kill Marcus? That won't happen.
Where do I start with my new Jesus duty? Please tell me you're not trying to move that cupboard using mind powers.
Just the door.
Do you want the service or not? Absolutely.
Where do we start? Would you stop making those noises! I came to stop you doing Roo.
Who? I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last woman alive.
It was pretty humiliating.
Now I know how Heather Mills felt.
Just forget about Marcus.
We should all just forget about Marcus.
Everything about him.
We'll just make our minds like one big Magna Doodle, like, Etch A Sketch thing, we'll just wipe it clean.
We'll erase Are you OK? I really don't know.
You know, when I really want to forget something Not now, Dad.
No, it's a very interesting technique, practised by the Incas.
I said not now.
My mum used to try and hypnotise herself when she wanted to forget something.
Hypnotism? She just drank eight Frangelicos and turned up Radio National really loudly.
I said she tried.
I didn't say she did it.
Do we have any Frangelico? If at first you don't succeed True dat.
When did you start saying 'true dat'? I'm trialling it.
True dat.
See? Now it's a meme.
What, are you training him or something? Anyone like a cuppa? I'll put the kettle on.
EJ, Celestial? You know it.
No worries, Dad.
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm sure he meant to ask you.
What's he doing here anyway? Well, there is that.
Not again.
I was cynical at first too, believe me.
But you think something like this would eventually get out to the press.
No, he's discerning.
He doesn't care for publicity.
Just the vagina.
So much vagina.
I'm listening.
He and I should join forces.
Me with my Jesus brain, him with his Jesus penis.
You know, he could help channel my gifts, like a mentor sort of thing.
I'm busy.
Marcus, this is Johnny, an old friend.
I won't go into details.
Hi.
We were wondering if you would mind us observing for the day.
We'll be very discreet.
I don't think so.
We brought cinnamon scrolls.
Let's see.
There was a local celebrity with varicose veins.
Well, she used to have varicose veins until I, you know Ohh.
Can't tell you who it is.
Marcus Dwyer? Behold the great unwashed.
Can I assist? Oh, my sister made me an appointment.
Oh! Oh dear, no, I think something came up.
Apologies.
What, you can't fit me in today? No.
No, terribly sorry.
Oh well, nice to meet you.
Thanks for stopping by.
But the, uh, doctors have said it's terminal.
I'm only in town for this afternoon.
Oh, sad face.
Sad face! Life's full of disappointments, isn't it? What was it Martin Luther King said? 'We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
' It'll only take five minutes.
Well, this is a bit awkward.
Off you go.
Toodle pip.
Tough decisions have to be made on occasion.
It's not all glamour, you know.
Amazing.
Hey, I'm looking for Marcus.
You've found him.
You'll get used to the teeth and the forehead in a moment.
I don't have an appointment.
I just got a vacancy.
In my pants! That's a little sex healer humour for you.
Come on, dear.
Up we get.
Mind the step.
That's the girl.
Why didn't he just do both of them at the same time? I would have.
You look amazing.
Mm, I know.
I feel it.
This is I mean, you look really amazing.
Here he is, our favourite IT patient.
There's another computer programmer on ward three.
No-one can stand him.
Oh.
All's looking good with your results.
The nurse tells me you've been exemplary with your exercises.
Mm.
So he can Yes.
He can go home.
Careful.
Watch the door.
I'm fine.
I'll take that.
There's no need to go overboard.
I'm not.
Welcome home, Charlie.
Oh, hi, Graham.
Are you OK? I'm on the couch.
Ah, finally, things can get back to normal around here.
Yeah.
Talk about dodging a bullet.
What do you mean? She doesn't mean anything.
No, I don't - just you were sick, and there was, like, a death bullet, and you dodged it.
Who wants an omelette? I do! Roo was going to have sex with Marcus.
Dad! But she didn't.
She didn't.
She didn't.
I'm sorry.
I'm not entirely sure what's going on.
It was it was about fixing you.
I wanted to fix you.
But then I decided it was not a good idea, which is a relief, because now you're well anyway, and wouldn't I have had egg on my face? Amongst other things.
Ohh! I I was just saying what everyone was thinking.
Ah, but you Didn't.
Good.
Excellent.
Yay! How close did you get exactly? Oh How good is this? Good.
It's really good.
Yeah.
Beautiful day.
Kicking back on a banana chair with a mate.
Great Aussie dream being lived out, right before our eyes.
Too true.
My tinnitus is completely gone.
He's amazing.
Yes.
Yes, he is.
I see Affleck and Damon are still here working on their screenplay.
Marcus, I have a proposition for you, and I want you to think about it before you say no.
Oh, my God.
How would you feel Awful.
About a couple of helping hands? Still awful.
We could do admin.
I'd rather kill myself.
Thank you.
Or merch.
You're not actually processing anything I'm saying, are you? Or merch.
I understand you had to do what you had to.
I did.
Yeah.
I'm just I'm just really hugely glad you didn't actually have sex with that guy.
Me too.
I mean I know.
Believe me.
If you had've I didn't.
Your number would have been like 8,000 or something.
I beg your pardon? Number of guys you've slept with.
Well, you know, not 8,000, but Yeah, he would have been 24.
But who's counting? Yeah, I'm not saying there's anything bad about it.
Is this one of those dreadful 'You're a girl and you've had more sex than me, so therefore you're a slag' conversations? No.
Because if it is, I don't know if I wanna have it.
I'm not saying you're a slag.
Just the kind of girl who'd have sex with 8,000 men.
OK, look, I was being glib when I said '8,000'.
Well, you probably put it around a bit in in your bachelor days, so don't start pointing the finger.
I wasn't.
So come on, then, Ron Jeremy.
Let's have it.
Can we not do this? No, no, since you obviously think I'm Slutty McSlutstein from Planet Bangalot, I think it's only fair that you tell me Two.
Your number is two? Yep.
Who Who are they? Leanne, who I told you about.
Mm-hmm.
And you.
I'm one of the two? Can you stop saying 'two' like that? Sorry.
It's just I'm a bit surprised.
Lots of guys have small numbers.
It's more special that way.
Not that I'm judging your choices.
Look, I don't want to fight about this.
There's nothing to fight about.
I love you.
I love you too.
Don't.
Oh, come on.
I'm nervous.
Look what happened last time.
Stop being so paranoid.
I'm better.
Look, if I'm only ever going to be with two people, then I should at least make it worth it.
So I'm second, and last? If you're OK with that.
Every time I touch him I bring him closer to death.
It's so unfair.
And the poor guy's only had two lovers in his life.
Two? That's right.
That's depressing.
Or sweet.
And the way things are going, he'll never have sex again.
I've ruined his life.
You can't think about it like that.
I have to, though, don't I? This has to stop.
Soon every time a guy even thinks about me in a sexy way, he'll have a stroke or something.
It will stop.
I owe it to Charlie.
I know the solution lies somewhere Don't say 'Marcus'.
Alright, I won't say it.
I'll just think it.
Roo.
He won't have sex with me, fine.
But there needs to be another way.
Yeah, another way.
One that doesn't involve him at all.
The only way to do it is just to press on, without Marcus's permission.
What does that mean? I'll have to I don't know, drug him or something.
Yeah, you can drug him and then have sex with him when he's passed out.
No.
I know you're very upset right now, but you can't actually be suggesting you You're going to date rape him? I wouldn't have put it in those terms.
But? But, yes, that's essentially what I have to do.
I know you're being tested by this, but Roo is in a desperate and dark place.
And when people are in a desperate and dark place, they do desperate and dark things.
Don't remind me.
You still haven't told Roo about Jan? No.
Repression is bad for the soul, EJ.
I'll risk it.
Anyway, I don't really understand I saw her boyfriend's mother being compromised.
Would you want to know something like that? Mmm, Jan's obviously a woman with needs.
Please don't.
All Roo needs from us is support, just support.
Support, support, support.
Really? She'll come back to us soon.
Keep it at walking pace.
Don't rush over the speed bumps.
So tomorrow, we can pick you up and take you to see the scoliosis, heart murmur and epilepsy? Quality.
See, if you're mobile, you're more accessible.
You're like a home-delivered pizza.
A home-delivered sex pizza.
Right you are, men friends.
You can probably clock off for the day, or whatever it is you want to call it.
Right YOU are, man friend.
Nothing personal.
I just need a little me time.
Me time is important.
Oh, essential.
It's essential.
Bye, Marcus! Bye! He's awesome.
I know he is.
Maybe it's broken.
Get out and see if you can lever it by foot.
Why don't YOU get out and see if YOU can lever it by foot? I'm driving.
Yes, but I want a turn.
A turn? It's a car.
It's not a space hopper.
What? We don't want to get the dosage wrong.
Obviously.
We don't want to kill him.
Don't bump off Zombie Heath Ledger.
Good.
I've got it down now This isn't this isn't funny.
We're drugging another human being.
So you can date rape him.
Stop saying 'rape'.
Well, stop raping people.
It isn't rape.
It's non-consensual sex.
The man has publicly stated he doesn't want to sleep with you, and you're doing it anyway.
What would you call it? It's for the greater good.
Right, Your Honour? Concentrate! I can't have sex with him if he's dead! Oh, good.
Nice to know where the line is.
We need to test the dosage on somebody first.
Who? £ I know what boys like £ I know what guys want £ I know what boys like £ Boys like £ Boys like me.
£ Hi.
How are you feeling, hon? Good.
Happy! I had a pain in my neck before, but it's totally gone now.
Just bear in mind that Zach has the constitution of an ox.
You know, he once took a whole sheet of acid and claimed it did nothing.
Was that the time he started trying to eat his own hair? Yeah.
Young cougar pushes further on into the Saskatchewan wilderness.
Did you drug Dad as well? No, he's just old.
Give him another one.
Are you sure? Do it! Might go to bed.
It's 14.
Yep.
Yep.
You know you're not supposed to put those in there.
Yeah, alright.
Alright, I'll come down.
Useless prick! Ooh! What are you doing? Chicken Noodle's my favourite flavour.
Do you know they don't even use real Just get on with it! Oh.
Do you want me to do it? They have to dissolve.
Honey Hush Caravan Park.
What's taking him so long? Maybe it's his metabolism.
Maybe it hasn't worked.
What do you mean? Why wouldn't it work? Maybe he's immune.
He's a healer, not a vampire.
We don't have to do this.
We could go and eat hot chips.
I'll let you put vinegar on them.
You love vinegar.
Should we carry him back to his cabin? Are you mad? Someone will see.
Plus, he's a nugget.
He'll be heavier than he looks.
So what am I supposed to do now? Um, leave.
I don't think I thought this through properly.
Got a bit overexcited about all the drugging stuff We don't have a lot of time.
He's probably gonna be awake in an hour.
I'll just have to do him here.
What, on the floor? I'm just not sure if I can I might have to You know Wank him a bit? Just keep watch! Wank him a bit.
I can't believe I just said that out loud.
We're going to hell.
No, no, we're going to jail.
And then we're going to hell.
How am I supposed to get him up? I'm sorry? He seems to be resisting.
Oh, dear.
I thought boys just got instant erections in their sleep.
What are you, 12? We need Viagra.
Do you have any? Did you just ask me Forget about it.
What do you think, I carry Viagra around with me? I need to fashion some sort of a splint.
Out of what, exactly? Eat faster! You won't believe what I'm currently in the process of doing.
This is officially the worst moment of my life.
You think? What about the time you got Felt up by Marty the Monster? Yes, worse than that.
Can you help me or something? No way.
Line drawn.
Oh, shit! There's someone coming! What do I do? Improvise! What? I'm a terrible improviser! Remember year nine theatre sports I had to come up with a name for a town and I said Flapsville! Just do it! Hey! Hi! Oh! There's a child! There's a child, little innocent child.
Hi.
Welcome to this caravan park.
How can I help you? Ah, we'd like to book a van for the night.
Course you would.
Course you would.
Why wouldn't you? You've come to the right place.
It's a caravan park.
Full of caravans.
I'm just gonna have a look.
I'm just gonna have a Oh, there's Mm, mm, just just gotta You might just want to have a wander and pick one out.
Sorry? You just go out there and just take a stroll, see what tickles your fancy.
Just if there's anything outside, just just go out there and have a look and just see if it seems there's no-one in there, just take it, just live the dream, you know? We prefer a more organic system here at this park.
Good.
Go, get out of here.
Psst! Um You wouldn't happen have any Viagra, would you? This is hopeless.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
No, you are not.
Nice ice-cream, though.
You almost said Flapsville, didn't you? Oh, yeah.
You want to steal his jism? I know it sounds bad.
No, it sounds mental.
Come on, Zach.
In a way, you owe me.
It's because of you Marcus wouldn't sleep with me in the first place.
Yeah just There's no need to be so covert about it.
Marcus is a really great guy.
You should just ask him.
He's probably got some just lying around the place that he wouldn't mind lending you.
I can't do that.
Me and Marcus have a complex relationship.
No shit.
I just need this one thing.
And then I'll be better, and Charlie will be better, and everything will go back to normal.
You cheated death because of me.
You're Jesus because of me.
Please don't encourage the Jesus thing.
If somebody asked Jesus to steal sperm for them, what would He do? You're not in the habit of drugging people, are you? What? And sticky-taping their bits together? Not unless they ask nicely.
So, Marcus, uh I have to be honest with you.
I've been sent here on a little bit of a mission.
Is this the God thing again? No.
It's a semen thing.
Sorry? Look, I'm not supposed to tell you, but I figure you and I, we're friends.
Comrades, even.
I don't want to be deceptive.
What are you on about? Roo wants some of your junk juice.
And I told her, you know, you should just ask him.
He's a great guy.
I think she's shy.
How exactly were you planning on getting it? Brought my Keep Cup.
What does she want it for? Don't know.
Some girls like flowers.
Roo's, you know, a bit unconventional.
So, you know, do you keep a bit around for sparesies? You're asking me if I keep spare jars of my own semen in my home.
Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe there's like a day that you don't feel like performing.
I never feel like not performing.
I'm on call, on target, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
You would be too if you were blessed with my gifts.
Yep, yep, but, just say, one of your lady friends, she wanted a souvenir? Like you know when you go to a kid's party and you leave with a bag of lollies? Or, in this case, a tiny jar of cum? I don't do takeaways.
Good.
No, absolutely, no.
You shouldn't.
But if I don't come back with a sample of your dollop, my life will not be worth living.
Hands up who's in the mood for a little game.
Oh, my God, he got it.
I don't want to know.
Yeah, I do.
I'm officially in two minds.
Don't spill any spooge.
How did? Oh, God, I'm asking questions.
Right, I'm off.
Where are you going? Toilet block! Toilet Doing what with the which now? Greetings! What's going on here, then? Do you mind?! Tell me, do you have to go to a specialist shop to buy that sort of equipment? This is the ladies' toilet! You owe me $3.
70 for two banana-flavoured ice-creams.
I never much liked the banana flavour myself.
Too cloying.
You can drop the superior tone, you know.
Underneath all the posturing you're still just a creep who uses people for sex.
Which is precisely what you were doing to me, if memory serves.
Presumably, you weren't going to linger for a cuddle and a DVD after extracting spermatozoa from my comatose body.
Everybody in this world is using everybody else to some degree to get what they want, and, frankly, I don't have a problem with it.
I do, however, have a problem with giving up everything I hold dear just on the off-chance it might make your life a little bit easier.
I wouldn't be going through all of this if I wasn't desperate.
You have no idea what it's been like.
I just want a normal life.
Is that really so hard to understand? Listen, you seem like a relatively sane person, despite your current position sitting on a caravan park toilet trying to insert yourself with stolen semen, so try to see things from my perspective for a moment.
Do you honestly think someone like me would ever get laid, like honestly, ever, if it weren't for the fact that I can heal people with my penis? Well, you could Women are repelled by me.
Thankfully, though, they can't stay away from my bed since the gods have granted me a sexual gift.
And if you think I'm giving up the only chance I'll ever have of getting some, you're out of your fucking mind.
Oh, and by the way, you're on a trip to nowhere with your little sample there.
It's not the end product that heals, it's the act itself.
By all means enjoy the process, though.
Toodle pip.
So she didn't end up using any of it? Nuh.
Not even a tiny little drop? If I'm ever going to eat again, we're gonna have to talk about something other than Marcus's sperm for five minutes.
Or my sperm.
I don't wanna talk about your sperm, either, Zach.
No offence.
No, in the cup.
That was my sperm.
What? I didn't know she was going to stick it up her, did I? She just said she wanted it.
What did you What did you think she was going to do with it? How the hell would I know? You were supposed to get Marcus's I know, I know.
But you try borrowing sperm off a guy you hardly know.
I tried everything.
Got a little bit weird.
And then in the end I figured, you know, she wants it so badly, hmm.
I thought she was going to drink it or something.
And that makes it OK, does it? Makes it slightly less awkward.