Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s02e03 Episode Script
Elected Judges
1 Last Week Tonight with John Oliver S02E03 Elected Judges Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"! I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us! Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin in Greece.
A country of and in ruins.
Now, you may remember, Greece nearly went bankrupt a while ago, after years of financial mismanagement.
And the rest of Europe has had to angrily bail it out.
Now, the terms of those loans were pretty harsh, and the new Greek government has been attempting to renegotiate them and this Friday, there was a breakthrough.
Greece finally has the financial lifeline it desperately needed to avoid a disaster.
Euro zone negotiators have agreed to a four month extension plan of the country $273 billion bailout program.
And that sound pretty good.
But in exchange, Greece did had to admit that mousakka is just disgusting potato lasagna.
Nobody wants it.
Now now, if you're wondering why Europe agreed to that deal, it's because they pretty much had to.
If Greece collapses, it may take the whole European single currency down with it.
A lot depends on Greece at the moment, so on Friday, their new finance minister tried to reassure people, in the greekest possible way.
Ok.
Ok.
That's not that reassuring for two reasons.
First, everybody in Ulysses' crew dies in that story, and Ithaca falls to absolute shit in his absence.
But secondly, is that a popped collar? Because if you're trying to get an entire continent to trust you, it's not a great idea to show up looking like Pitbull's uncle.
I have to say, for a guy overseeing an economy on the edge of Armageddon, he's pretty laid back.
He was even cracking jokes in the press conference.
That is a cocky attitude.
Your country is on the verge of bankruptcy and you're acting like a strip-club manager giving a speech at his retirement party.
Enough of this self-congratulation.
The polls are getting cold lady, so get back out there, Bambi.
Look, clearly he's a bit slimy.
Here's the problem though.
The whole world's economy depends on this guy.
And the more you find out about him, the scarier that seems.
It's not his plan nor his left-wing rhetoric that has got tongues wagging in Europe.
It's his informal style.
In London this week, he unveiled an edgy look, more biker than finance minister.
What are you wearing? Dress for the economy you want, not the economy you have.
Because if I just could give you a quick, a quick bit of criticism here.
.
You look like a 50-year-old Molly dealer at a Greek discotheque.
How are we giving this man billions? I wouldn't give him $50 because deep down you know I'd never see that money again.
Because that is the face of a man who would immediately spend it all on scented lube.
That's a fact! Let's move on.
Let's move on to Ukraine.
Let's move on to Ukraine where tensions with Russia remain terrifyingly high.
Because although there was a cease-fire last weekend declared it was basically violated almost as soon as it began.
And if you're looking for someone to blame for that, you don't have to look far.
Ukraine claims 20 Russian tanks, 10 rocket launchers along with troops and supplies crossed the border into Ukraine.
Russian president Vladimir Putin remarked today, no one should have the illusion they can gain military superiority over Russia.
Yes, Putin says Russia is unconquerable, like a doorknob after you've just put on hand lotion.
Just sit down.
You're not going anywhere for at least 2 minutes.
And look the thing is he's not entirely wrong.
It's beginning to seem like the international community is pretty powerless to do anything regarding Putin.
Which is why what Egypt did recently was so delightful.
You may have missed that the week before last, Putin was in Cairo on a state visit, even presenting the Egyptian president with an ak-47, which is a bit condescending.
You don't give a gun as a gift to a world leader.
You give one to a child in Texas on his 13th birthday.
We know, we all know how it works! But here the thing this is where it gets good.
Egypt decided to honor Putin with a rendition of his national anthem.
Now, before I show you what happened, this is Russia's national anthem as played at his inauguration.
That's a great anthem.
Stirring, bold, powerful.
This is his anthem, as played for him in Egypt.
Look how angry he is! And yet he's just got to stand there and take it! Watch and learn, international community.
Because, sure, to most countries like Egypt Putin is unconquerable.
But that doesn't mean you can't kick the shit out of his national anthem in front of him and finally, finally the United Kingdom is having an election in may.
Both parties are campaigning hard especially for women voters.
The conservative party has been accused of ignoring women in the past, so the Labour party may have a chance to capitalize, as long as they don't make any ridiculous mistakes.
The Labour party has been defending the color it's chosen for a minibus which is being used in a campaign to try and attract female voters.
The deputy Labour leader Harriet Harmon has defended the decision to use the color on the vehicle already nicknamed "the Barbie bus".
It is a little insulting that you're trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to 8-year-olds.
At least Barbie's pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo.
That thing was sick.
Now, understandably, this bus has been more than a little controversial, with many women in Britain reacting like this.
We're politically minded, we can read and we can access information in the way that men or anyone else can.
I think the pink bus is a bit patronizing.
A bit patronizing? The only way it could be more patronizing is if its wheels were giant Nuva rings and they refused to let women drive it.
Now for some reason, instead of apologizing, the Labour party has tried to deny what color the van is, insisting it was cerise, or magenta, or trying to avoid the question altogether.
And just so we've got it on the record, what color is this? Oops.
I'll tell you where we got the it's like pink, cerise, I don't know.
People will call this color it's certainly a version of pink, I would say.
I think she might have just hit rock bottom.
You can see her thinking: I got into politics to make a difference, and now I am on television desperately trying to act like I don't know the color pink.
What happened to my life? If this wasn't bad enough, the Labour party claimed this is all part of an effort to reach out to women and have a conversation about the kitchen table, and around the kitchen table, rather than having an economy that just reaches the boardroom table.
Yeah.
You know, women, they want to talk to you where you are, not in a board room but in a kitchen or in a baby gap or underneath a giant pile of yarn and romance novels.
You know, the places you go.
Incredibly, the pink bus has still not been discontinued.
And at this point, I'm almost glad that Labour's not doing damage control.
Because I'm afraid that, if they did, it would look like this.
Women of the United Kingdom, the Labour party would like to apologize to you for our wrong-headed "pink van campaign".
We want you to know that Labour respects you which is why, this general election we will focus on the issues that we know matter to you and that means ponies! Look at the pretty pony.
It's a very pretty pony, isn't it, women? Like you, Labour care about this pony! We brush its pretty pony hair.
And before you get offended, you're right, a pony is not enough.
That's why we dressed the pony up in a pretty princess outfit.
Princess pony! Princess pony! Princess pony! Vote for Labour in may and if you're very good we will come to your kitchen and you can pet the pretty princess pony oh, don't be scared.
She's a nice pony.
Not a mean pony.
Go on.
Pet the pony! Do it now! Pet the pretty princess pony! Labour cares about women's issues, all of them.
So when it's time to vote, remember you love ponies.
Labour has a pony, pony, pony, pony.
Ponies! Vote Labour.
Our top story, our top story tonight is judges, wearers of America's only formal muu-muus.
Judges occupy an exalted position in American life.
But as important as they are, we tend not to think about them very much, unless one of them makes news, as happened earlier this month.
A federal court last month lifted Alabama's ban on same-sex marriage.
But, Roy Moore, the state supreme court's chief justice, ordered state judges to ignore the federal ruling.
Yes, Alabama judge Roy Moore, refused an order to let gay people marry.
Living up to his state's slogan: Alabama, boldly refusing to accept diversity and the inevitable since 1819.
Now, just out of interest, what was his judicial reasoning for such a decision? I think the gay marriage is an alteration of the definition of marriage and the United States supreme court does not have the authority or the federal courts do not have the authority to interpret a word that disputes the constitution.
Well, hold on.
Hold on.
Not only can the supreme court override a state, that's basically its job.
That's like telling dill it can't ruin any food stuff it comes in contact with.
That's what dill does.
Get out of everyone's food, dill! You filthy weed! You're a wrecking ball! You might, you might be thinking, how did that man get to become the highest judicial officer in the state? Well, like 85 percent of state judges in America, he was elected.
39 states hold elections for judges.
And America is virtually alone in doing this.
There's only one other country on earth that does it on this scale.
You can guess which? You're wrong.
It's Bolivia, a country you think about so little, you don't even realize that's not Bolivia.
This is Bolivia.
Actually actually actually that's still not Bolivia.
This is Bolivia.
Or is it? Or is it? This game is never not gonna be fun.
America's been electing judges since the early 1800's.
And the thing is, it all began from a good impulse.
Judicial elections originated as a reform measure.
So people were concerned that you know judges were being selected behind closed doors.
There wasn't any kind of public accountability.
Ok, and public accountability sounds great.
The problem is, for many judges nowadays, there's almost none of that.
Most run unopposed.
Last year in L.
A.
county, 150 out of 151 incumbent judges ran unopposed.
And come on, they could at least go through the motions of pretending there was another candidate.
Just throw a robe on a pelican and tape a gavel to his wing or I'll tell you what, you're in L.
A! Just pretend you're considering Blake lively for the job.
Movie studios do that all the time.
And the problem is, whenever a judge does face a challenger, they have to run like a politician.
And that's why many states are subjected to the bizarre spectacle of ads like these.
Hi.
I'm Allen loughry and I'm running for our supreme court.
It's Loughry as in "law" and "free".
This is my house.
Come on in.
There is the kitchen.
Something smells good.
This is our family room my wife Kelly Loughry and our son justice Loughry.
That's right.
Justice Loughry.
Yes, sir.
Yep.
I call my son justice.
I call my dog preamble.
And I call my penis the gavel.
Vote for me.
And sometimes, campaigns opt to sell a judge with sheer catchiness.
There's a judge they call Paul Newby, he's got criminals on the run.
Paul's steely stare's got them running scared and he'll take them down one by one.
Paul Newby, he's a tough old judge, respected everywhere.
Paul Newby, justice tough but fair.
Paul Newby, criminals best beware.
What just happened? Am I supposed to vote for that man or root for him to catch them Duke boys? And look I know what you're thinking.
Could any commercial be less relevant to a judge's qualifications for the job? I give you Greg Beard.
Search and rescue in Rapides parish.
Here's volunteer diver Greg Beard.
We have to know what we're doing! Study, train, trust our team.
We do this because it helps people.
Greg Beard for Rapides parish districtal judge.
When times are tough, this dive team stands ready.
Of course.
Of course, it makes sense because when I'm choosing a judge, the only thing I really care about is who can hold their breath the longest.
Here's the thing: All three of the men in those ads won their elections.
They're judges now, judging people.
And the stupid ads are actually the least problematic.
What's far more worrisome is when judges run ads like these.
Without blinking an eye judge Kenneth Ingraham sentenced the killer to die.
Michael Oster is the only candidate for judge who has put our worst criminals on death row.
It is my privilege to sentence you to life in prison without parole.
Wait? It's your privilege? At best, it's your duty.
There are some jobs where that kind of occupation relish is inappropriate.
If you're having a colonoscopy, you don't want to hear, it is my privilege to insert this camera deep inside your anus.
The problem with an elected judiciary is, sometimes the right decision is neither easy nor popular.
And yet, campaigns force judges to look over their shoulder on every ruling because while political attack ads can be aggressive, judicial attack ads can be downright horrifying.
I was convicted of stabbing my victims with a kitchen knife.
Of shooting my ex-girlfriend and murdering her sister in front of our child, of sexual assault on a mom and her 10 year-old daughter.
And I slashed their throats.
On appeal, justice Thomas Kilbride sided with us over law enforcement or victims.
Oh, my god.
Good luck getting back into whatever you were watching after seeing that commercial.
Sheldon and his friends are going to have to get into some pretty wacky mishaps to wipe the memory of that away.
Now, what those evil shadows are saying sounds awful.
But here's the problem: None of those three men were actually set free by judge Kilbride.
But, in each case, he merely questioned the legality of procedural points in their trials.
Which is a judge's job but there's no room in campaigns for nuance.
That's why you don't see bumper stickers reading, justice is complicated, requiring the sublimation of our baser instincts, which though difficult is the only thing that separates us from the anarchy of beasts.
Kilbride 2015! The danger is though, the danger is, if ads like those get inside judges' heads and make them rule more harshly to protect themselves in the future.
And the problem is, that does happen.
There's academic studies that have suggested that judges do change their behavior.
So, for example, in election years, if you look at judges sentencing decisions.
Judges tend to be harder on crime.
That is terrifying.
Because you shouldn't be sitting in a prison going, "how did you get 15 months for public urination?" Well, you know, it was October in an election year.
I should have known what I was getting into.
And it's not like appointing judges is the perfect system.
We can all name one that we don't like, and it's usually Antonin Scalia.
Oh, oh oh, oh-oh, oh! No, no, no, no, no! Or, in his more palatable form, a bulldog dressed as Antonin Scalia.
Here the thing.
Elections are inherently compromising.
Because campaigns cost money.
And that money has to come from somewhere.
Which leads to the horrifying spectacle of judges hitting up lawyers for donations.
For attorneys like Jules osman this is the most expensive time of the year election season is when lawyers like him have to dig deepest into his wallet, that's because every hour or so he gets a call from a judge's campaign looking for a contribution.
- It's very hard to say no.
- It's impossible to say no.
Judges asking lawyers to give them campaign money is the definition of conflict of interest.
Think about it, giving money to a judges wouldn't be acceptable in a state fair squash-growing competition.
Oh really? Gladys gets first place? How much money did she give you? Because I know that knobbly pile of shit is not the nicest squash you've seen this afternoon.
It looks like the jolly green giant's dick fell off, and everyone here knows it, Gladys! Everyone knows it.
Sometimes, judges will even shake lawyers down after the election is over.
Democratic appeals court judge Jim Sharp sent a passive-aggressive email to a Texas attorney who had donated to his unsuccessful opponent which said: I trust that you will see your way clear to contribute to my campaign and in an amount reflective of the $2,000 contribution you made towards my defeat.
Wink emoticon.
And the fact he's shaking him down isn't even the part of that email I find most offensive.
It's the wink emoticon.
I guess we should all just be glad he stopped short of going full wink emoji.
Incredibly, judges can even target potential future defendants, as a Philadelphia traffic court judge candidate named Willie Singletary did, at a biker rally.
Do all judges do this? Are there divorce judges going to Ikeas right now saying: I know some of you guys won't last.
Who's got 50 bucks for me? Puff up! Now, you'll be glad to hear that that judge is no longer on the bench.
Although it wasn't for taking those contributions, but rather because he allegedly once showed cellphone pictures of his genitals to a colleague, an accusation that yielded a disciplinary hearing whose magnificent opinion featured the phrase "the judicial penis" and determined he had intentionally groomed his penis for photography.
Now, that's not really relevant to the story that I'm telling right now, but I think you'll agree you had to know.
You deserve to know that.
And look, it gets it gets one step worse.
One step worse.
Judges also frequently benefit from campaign money given by businesses and special interests.
And while they may claim that doesn't affect them, multiple studies have suggested otherwise.
We looked at the Ohio supreme court and asked the question of how often they vote for contributors who appear before them, and the answer was, overall, about 70% of the time, and in the case of one justice, Terrence O'Donnell, 91% of the time.
Now, O'Donnell says there's no connection there.
But the point is, he still said: Sure, why not? In response to people who gave him money 91% of the time.
And the only other person who does that is Nicolas cage.
That's the only.
.
It's been a disaster, Nicolas.
It's been a romp, but it's been a disaster.
And to be fair, many judges don't like this system.
Even Ohio supreme court justice Paul Pfeifer said: "I never felt so much like a hooker down by the bus station in any race I've ever been in as I did in a judicial race".
Which does explain Pfeifer's campaign slogan: Justice for all.
No kissing on the mouth though.
I have to save something for the man I fall in love with.
And increasingly, since citizens united, PAC, and super PACS are getting involved.
In fact, remember the banjo ad? The one you're still humming in your head? That was sponsored by a PAC called the north Carolina judicial coalition, whose founders included businesses like R.
J.
Reynolds.
And remember this one? I was convicted of stabbing my victims with a kitchen knife, Of shooting my ex-girlfriend and murdering her sister in front of our child.
That was sponsored by something called Justpac, whose donors include Koch industries, the U.
S.
chamber of commerce, and John Deere PAC.
Yes, the people who make tractors also apparently help make judicial decisions for the people of Illinois.
And look, when you have a system where judges are serenaded with banjos, shakedown lawyers for money, compare themselves to prostitutes, and live in constant fear of tractors, you have a problem.
Because faith in a strong independent judiciary is essential for a civilized society.
Without it, we're settling disputes either in thunder-domes, or via "the purge".
And I still can't work out how that thing works.
Are they any rules? Are time zone a factor in the purge? Is the east coast purge an hour before the purge central time? In which case nobody tweet about it.
It spoils it for everyone.
Look, if we're going to keep electing judges, we may have to alter our idea of what justice is.
In fact, at the very least, to be a bit more representative, we should tweak the blindfolded lady holding scales to put a tip jar in her hand, and give her a fucking winking emoji for a face.
And now, this.
And now CNN weatherman Chad Myers hates his job, his life and everyone around him.
You look cold, Chad.
I am freezing, Carol.
They wouldn't let me take in my storm gear for this hit so I'm standing out here in a suit in this little coat.
Got a little strep throat, a little cold.
Maybe some influenza.
I'm not even sure what's going on in this Chad Meyers.
We even call him in here.
This is so big.
That's right you never call me in when there's actually good weather.
You always bring me when there is something bad to talk about I'm afraid may have been right for once.
Hey Chad, happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving, I-i grabbed the short drumstick and here I am.
It's good to see both of you, especially you same, Don.
They send me to New York and then they work me to death.
When I was six I did get coal in my stocking mister Smithsonian says it looks like a cross between a house cat and a Teddy bear.
- My wife already wants one.
- Oh, no! Would you go with your wife? With a marriage counselor? They go to Florida and they like it.
My parents were down there for quite sometimes.
I was in Detroit and they would laugh at me all the time.
Oh, I would too.
Let's bring in Chad Meyers now.
The big thing is oh, look at you, you're crying no, I'm not crying.
This is a very strong storm.
Anderson? Chad Myers.
Thanks for checking in with Susan Hendricks at 3.
50 could you wait until I'm done? If it's ends up over land and that just stand on land it becomes a tornado? You've been paying attention.
And now finally finally, this week was the Chinese new year.
Objectively the best new year, not only because it doesn't involve Ryan Seacrest, but because China goes all out.
Across the country, people welcomed the year of the sheep with elaborate light displays, dancing, and even a fireworks-like performance using molten iron.
Ok.
That seems immensely unsafe.
Unless they are killing a Terminator in which case by all means, you do what you have to do.
Yes, this week marked the beginning of the year of the sheep.
Unless it didn't.
So it's the sheep and the year of the goat, right? Exactly.
The year of the sheep go it depends on where you're from.
But they're all essentially the same the year of the ram, goat, sheep, whatever you want to call it.
Year of the goat or year of the sheep depending on which translator you ask.
That's, that's actually true.
You see the problem here is in the Chinese language, the same word: "Yang" is used for both sheep and goat.
In fact, without a qualifier, it can mean any hoofed animal that eats grass and bleats.
So technically, if she was wearing high heels and eating a salad, this could be the year of Stevie Nicks.
The point is, the point is, the center piece of the Chinese festivities is their annual new year's gala.
And it is incredible.
The new year's gala is an old school variety show.
A five-hour marathon heavy on song, dance, and communist party style patriotism, it's a cultural phenomenon in China, drawing more viewers than the Oscars, Emmys and VMAs combined.
Oh, it doesn't stop there.
Cause you can throw in the Super Bowl and the Latin Grammys, and you're still not close.
700 million people tune into the gala.
That's one in every 10 people on earth.
And when you see it, it starts to make sense.
Because the opening number alone was quite possibly the happiest song of all time.
Holy shit, that kid is amazing! See? By the way, see, Caillou? That is what a bald child is supposed to behave like.
He's outside, he's living is life he's having adventures, Caillou! Grow up! And look that was just the beginning the gala also featured contortionists pouring water with their feet, a man chugging rice wine and someone else spinning around on roller skates with a child on his head while a giant robot looks on.
And that alone is China in microcosm right there, a gigantic machine looming over its subjects, forcing them to be more coordinated than anyone thought it was physically possible.
Clearly, the Chinese take their new year celebrations very seriously.
So when the American consulate in Hong Kong put together a video to celebrate it, I can only assume it was equally spectacular.
where to, city head? All right.
Stop, stop, stop, stop rights there.
What the fuck was that? Let's pray that no one in mainland China saw that because slapping a pair of sunglasses on a stuffed sheep seems like an insult.
Even I can do better than that.
Watch, watch I'll do it right now.
How ya doing, friends? Please enjoy my articulated mouth and full range of motion.
It's the least I can do for a nation which own over a trillion dollars of U.
S debt to honor the year of me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, gentlemen, the year of whom? Huh? This is the year of the goat.
Oh boy, this is not gonna be good.
Ok.
Oh, this is the year of the sheep.
No, honey this is the year of the goat.
- Goat! - Sheep! Boy, boy, boy this is just a cultural misunderstanding the Chinese language actually doesn't make a specific distinction between the two of you.
But why, why, why, we are completely different! Ok? The goats have beard, see? See, see, see sheep just can't grow beard they are like Topher Grace Ok, fair enough.
My cheese has vitamin C! And so what? Who eat the cheese for the vitamin C? Hey fun fact, Johnny.
I eat tin cans.
No, no, no that is an urban legend.
Oh I've done it! You're calling me a liar? Oh yes we are! No, no, no, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! I know why you are different.
Only one of you goes well with mint jelly.
Fuck you! Let's wrangle this guy! No, no, no, don't, stop it! That's our show! See you next week! Happy year of the goat-sheep.
Good night! Guys, stop it, stop it, stop it! Be good, don't bite, no biting! No biting! Stop it, stop, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Thank you for joining us! Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin in Greece.
A country of and in ruins.
Now, you may remember, Greece nearly went bankrupt a while ago, after years of financial mismanagement.
And the rest of Europe has had to angrily bail it out.
Now, the terms of those loans were pretty harsh, and the new Greek government has been attempting to renegotiate them and this Friday, there was a breakthrough.
Greece finally has the financial lifeline it desperately needed to avoid a disaster.
Euro zone negotiators have agreed to a four month extension plan of the country $273 billion bailout program.
And that sound pretty good.
But in exchange, Greece did had to admit that mousakka is just disgusting potato lasagna.
Nobody wants it.
Now now, if you're wondering why Europe agreed to that deal, it's because they pretty much had to.
If Greece collapses, it may take the whole European single currency down with it.
A lot depends on Greece at the moment, so on Friday, their new finance minister tried to reassure people, in the greekest possible way.
Ok.
Ok.
That's not that reassuring for two reasons.
First, everybody in Ulysses' crew dies in that story, and Ithaca falls to absolute shit in his absence.
But secondly, is that a popped collar? Because if you're trying to get an entire continent to trust you, it's not a great idea to show up looking like Pitbull's uncle.
I have to say, for a guy overseeing an economy on the edge of Armageddon, he's pretty laid back.
He was even cracking jokes in the press conference.
That is a cocky attitude.
Your country is on the verge of bankruptcy and you're acting like a strip-club manager giving a speech at his retirement party.
Enough of this self-congratulation.
The polls are getting cold lady, so get back out there, Bambi.
Look, clearly he's a bit slimy.
Here's the problem though.
The whole world's economy depends on this guy.
And the more you find out about him, the scarier that seems.
It's not his plan nor his left-wing rhetoric that has got tongues wagging in Europe.
It's his informal style.
In London this week, he unveiled an edgy look, more biker than finance minister.
What are you wearing? Dress for the economy you want, not the economy you have.
Because if I just could give you a quick, a quick bit of criticism here.
.
You look like a 50-year-old Molly dealer at a Greek discotheque.
How are we giving this man billions? I wouldn't give him $50 because deep down you know I'd never see that money again.
Because that is the face of a man who would immediately spend it all on scented lube.
That's a fact! Let's move on.
Let's move on to Ukraine.
Let's move on to Ukraine where tensions with Russia remain terrifyingly high.
Because although there was a cease-fire last weekend declared it was basically violated almost as soon as it began.
And if you're looking for someone to blame for that, you don't have to look far.
Ukraine claims 20 Russian tanks, 10 rocket launchers along with troops and supplies crossed the border into Ukraine.
Russian president Vladimir Putin remarked today, no one should have the illusion they can gain military superiority over Russia.
Yes, Putin says Russia is unconquerable, like a doorknob after you've just put on hand lotion.
Just sit down.
You're not going anywhere for at least 2 minutes.
And look the thing is he's not entirely wrong.
It's beginning to seem like the international community is pretty powerless to do anything regarding Putin.
Which is why what Egypt did recently was so delightful.
You may have missed that the week before last, Putin was in Cairo on a state visit, even presenting the Egyptian president with an ak-47, which is a bit condescending.
You don't give a gun as a gift to a world leader.
You give one to a child in Texas on his 13th birthday.
We know, we all know how it works! But here the thing this is where it gets good.
Egypt decided to honor Putin with a rendition of his national anthem.
Now, before I show you what happened, this is Russia's national anthem as played at his inauguration.
That's a great anthem.
Stirring, bold, powerful.
This is his anthem, as played for him in Egypt.
Look how angry he is! And yet he's just got to stand there and take it! Watch and learn, international community.
Because, sure, to most countries like Egypt Putin is unconquerable.
But that doesn't mean you can't kick the shit out of his national anthem in front of him and finally, finally the United Kingdom is having an election in may.
Both parties are campaigning hard especially for women voters.
The conservative party has been accused of ignoring women in the past, so the Labour party may have a chance to capitalize, as long as they don't make any ridiculous mistakes.
The Labour party has been defending the color it's chosen for a minibus which is being used in a campaign to try and attract female voters.
The deputy Labour leader Harriet Harmon has defended the decision to use the color on the vehicle already nicknamed "the Barbie bus".
It is a little insulting that you're trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to 8-year-olds.
At least Barbie's pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo.
That thing was sick.
Now, understandably, this bus has been more than a little controversial, with many women in Britain reacting like this.
We're politically minded, we can read and we can access information in the way that men or anyone else can.
I think the pink bus is a bit patronizing.
A bit patronizing? The only way it could be more patronizing is if its wheels were giant Nuva rings and they refused to let women drive it.
Now for some reason, instead of apologizing, the Labour party has tried to deny what color the van is, insisting it was cerise, or magenta, or trying to avoid the question altogether.
And just so we've got it on the record, what color is this? Oops.
I'll tell you where we got the it's like pink, cerise, I don't know.
People will call this color it's certainly a version of pink, I would say.
I think she might have just hit rock bottom.
You can see her thinking: I got into politics to make a difference, and now I am on television desperately trying to act like I don't know the color pink.
What happened to my life? If this wasn't bad enough, the Labour party claimed this is all part of an effort to reach out to women and have a conversation about the kitchen table, and around the kitchen table, rather than having an economy that just reaches the boardroom table.
Yeah.
You know, women, they want to talk to you where you are, not in a board room but in a kitchen or in a baby gap or underneath a giant pile of yarn and romance novels.
You know, the places you go.
Incredibly, the pink bus has still not been discontinued.
And at this point, I'm almost glad that Labour's not doing damage control.
Because I'm afraid that, if they did, it would look like this.
Women of the United Kingdom, the Labour party would like to apologize to you for our wrong-headed "pink van campaign".
We want you to know that Labour respects you which is why, this general election we will focus on the issues that we know matter to you and that means ponies! Look at the pretty pony.
It's a very pretty pony, isn't it, women? Like you, Labour care about this pony! We brush its pretty pony hair.
And before you get offended, you're right, a pony is not enough.
That's why we dressed the pony up in a pretty princess outfit.
Princess pony! Princess pony! Princess pony! Vote for Labour in may and if you're very good we will come to your kitchen and you can pet the pretty princess pony oh, don't be scared.
She's a nice pony.
Not a mean pony.
Go on.
Pet the pony! Do it now! Pet the pretty princess pony! Labour cares about women's issues, all of them.
So when it's time to vote, remember you love ponies.
Labour has a pony, pony, pony, pony.
Ponies! Vote Labour.
Our top story, our top story tonight is judges, wearers of America's only formal muu-muus.
Judges occupy an exalted position in American life.
But as important as they are, we tend not to think about them very much, unless one of them makes news, as happened earlier this month.
A federal court last month lifted Alabama's ban on same-sex marriage.
But, Roy Moore, the state supreme court's chief justice, ordered state judges to ignore the federal ruling.
Yes, Alabama judge Roy Moore, refused an order to let gay people marry.
Living up to his state's slogan: Alabama, boldly refusing to accept diversity and the inevitable since 1819.
Now, just out of interest, what was his judicial reasoning for such a decision? I think the gay marriage is an alteration of the definition of marriage and the United States supreme court does not have the authority or the federal courts do not have the authority to interpret a word that disputes the constitution.
Well, hold on.
Hold on.
Not only can the supreme court override a state, that's basically its job.
That's like telling dill it can't ruin any food stuff it comes in contact with.
That's what dill does.
Get out of everyone's food, dill! You filthy weed! You're a wrecking ball! You might, you might be thinking, how did that man get to become the highest judicial officer in the state? Well, like 85 percent of state judges in America, he was elected.
39 states hold elections for judges.
And America is virtually alone in doing this.
There's only one other country on earth that does it on this scale.
You can guess which? You're wrong.
It's Bolivia, a country you think about so little, you don't even realize that's not Bolivia.
This is Bolivia.
Actually actually actually that's still not Bolivia.
This is Bolivia.
Or is it? Or is it? This game is never not gonna be fun.
America's been electing judges since the early 1800's.
And the thing is, it all began from a good impulse.
Judicial elections originated as a reform measure.
So people were concerned that you know judges were being selected behind closed doors.
There wasn't any kind of public accountability.
Ok, and public accountability sounds great.
The problem is, for many judges nowadays, there's almost none of that.
Most run unopposed.
Last year in L.
A.
county, 150 out of 151 incumbent judges ran unopposed.
And come on, they could at least go through the motions of pretending there was another candidate.
Just throw a robe on a pelican and tape a gavel to his wing or I'll tell you what, you're in L.
A! Just pretend you're considering Blake lively for the job.
Movie studios do that all the time.
And the problem is, whenever a judge does face a challenger, they have to run like a politician.
And that's why many states are subjected to the bizarre spectacle of ads like these.
Hi.
I'm Allen loughry and I'm running for our supreme court.
It's Loughry as in "law" and "free".
This is my house.
Come on in.
There is the kitchen.
Something smells good.
This is our family room my wife Kelly Loughry and our son justice Loughry.
That's right.
Justice Loughry.
Yes, sir.
Yep.
I call my son justice.
I call my dog preamble.
And I call my penis the gavel.
Vote for me.
And sometimes, campaigns opt to sell a judge with sheer catchiness.
There's a judge they call Paul Newby, he's got criminals on the run.
Paul's steely stare's got them running scared and he'll take them down one by one.
Paul Newby, he's a tough old judge, respected everywhere.
Paul Newby, justice tough but fair.
Paul Newby, criminals best beware.
What just happened? Am I supposed to vote for that man or root for him to catch them Duke boys? And look I know what you're thinking.
Could any commercial be less relevant to a judge's qualifications for the job? I give you Greg Beard.
Search and rescue in Rapides parish.
Here's volunteer diver Greg Beard.
We have to know what we're doing! Study, train, trust our team.
We do this because it helps people.
Greg Beard for Rapides parish districtal judge.
When times are tough, this dive team stands ready.
Of course.
Of course, it makes sense because when I'm choosing a judge, the only thing I really care about is who can hold their breath the longest.
Here's the thing: All three of the men in those ads won their elections.
They're judges now, judging people.
And the stupid ads are actually the least problematic.
What's far more worrisome is when judges run ads like these.
Without blinking an eye judge Kenneth Ingraham sentenced the killer to die.
Michael Oster is the only candidate for judge who has put our worst criminals on death row.
It is my privilege to sentence you to life in prison without parole.
Wait? It's your privilege? At best, it's your duty.
There are some jobs where that kind of occupation relish is inappropriate.
If you're having a colonoscopy, you don't want to hear, it is my privilege to insert this camera deep inside your anus.
The problem with an elected judiciary is, sometimes the right decision is neither easy nor popular.
And yet, campaigns force judges to look over their shoulder on every ruling because while political attack ads can be aggressive, judicial attack ads can be downright horrifying.
I was convicted of stabbing my victims with a kitchen knife.
Of shooting my ex-girlfriend and murdering her sister in front of our child, of sexual assault on a mom and her 10 year-old daughter.
And I slashed their throats.
On appeal, justice Thomas Kilbride sided with us over law enforcement or victims.
Oh, my god.
Good luck getting back into whatever you were watching after seeing that commercial.
Sheldon and his friends are going to have to get into some pretty wacky mishaps to wipe the memory of that away.
Now, what those evil shadows are saying sounds awful.
But here's the problem: None of those three men were actually set free by judge Kilbride.
But, in each case, he merely questioned the legality of procedural points in their trials.
Which is a judge's job but there's no room in campaigns for nuance.
That's why you don't see bumper stickers reading, justice is complicated, requiring the sublimation of our baser instincts, which though difficult is the only thing that separates us from the anarchy of beasts.
Kilbride 2015! The danger is though, the danger is, if ads like those get inside judges' heads and make them rule more harshly to protect themselves in the future.
And the problem is, that does happen.
There's academic studies that have suggested that judges do change their behavior.
So, for example, in election years, if you look at judges sentencing decisions.
Judges tend to be harder on crime.
That is terrifying.
Because you shouldn't be sitting in a prison going, "how did you get 15 months for public urination?" Well, you know, it was October in an election year.
I should have known what I was getting into.
And it's not like appointing judges is the perfect system.
We can all name one that we don't like, and it's usually Antonin Scalia.
Oh, oh oh, oh-oh, oh! No, no, no, no, no! Or, in his more palatable form, a bulldog dressed as Antonin Scalia.
Here the thing.
Elections are inherently compromising.
Because campaigns cost money.
And that money has to come from somewhere.
Which leads to the horrifying spectacle of judges hitting up lawyers for donations.
For attorneys like Jules osman this is the most expensive time of the year election season is when lawyers like him have to dig deepest into his wallet, that's because every hour or so he gets a call from a judge's campaign looking for a contribution.
- It's very hard to say no.
- It's impossible to say no.
Judges asking lawyers to give them campaign money is the definition of conflict of interest.
Think about it, giving money to a judges wouldn't be acceptable in a state fair squash-growing competition.
Oh really? Gladys gets first place? How much money did she give you? Because I know that knobbly pile of shit is not the nicest squash you've seen this afternoon.
It looks like the jolly green giant's dick fell off, and everyone here knows it, Gladys! Everyone knows it.
Sometimes, judges will even shake lawyers down after the election is over.
Democratic appeals court judge Jim Sharp sent a passive-aggressive email to a Texas attorney who had donated to his unsuccessful opponent which said: I trust that you will see your way clear to contribute to my campaign and in an amount reflective of the $2,000 contribution you made towards my defeat.
Wink emoticon.
And the fact he's shaking him down isn't even the part of that email I find most offensive.
It's the wink emoticon.
I guess we should all just be glad he stopped short of going full wink emoji.
Incredibly, judges can even target potential future defendants, as a Philadelphia traffic court judge candidate named Willie Singletary did, at a biker rally.
Do all judges do this? Are there divorce judges going to Ikeas right now saying: I know some of you guys won't last.
Who's got 50 bucks for me? Puff up! Now, you'll be glad to hear that that judge is no longer on the bench.
Although it wasn't for taking those contributions, but rather because he allegedly once showed cellphone pictures of his genitals to a colleague, an accusation that yielded a disciplinary hearing whose magnificent opinion featured the phrase "the judicial penis" and determined he had intentionally groomed his penis for photography.
Now, that's not really relevant to the story that I'm telling right now, but I think you'll agree you had to know.
You deserve to know that.
And look, it gets it gets one step worse.
One step worse.
Judges also frequently benefit from campaign money given by businesses and special interests.
And while they may claim that doesn't affect them, multiple studies have suggested otherwise.
We looked at the Ohio supreme court and asked the question of how often they vote for contributors who appear before them, and the answer was, overall, about 70% of the time, and in the case of one justice, Terrence O'Donnell, 91% of the time.
Now, O'Donnell says there's no connection there.
But the point is, he still said: Sure, why not? In response to people who gave him money 91% of the time.
And the only other person who does that is Nicolas cage.
That's the only.
.
It's been a disaster, Nicolas.
It's been a romp, but it's been a disaster.
And to be fair, many judges don't like this system.
Even Ohio supreme court justice Paul Pfeifer said: "I never felt so much like a hooker down by the bus station in any race I've ever been in as I did in a judicial race".
Which does explain Pfeifer's campaign slogan: Justice for all.
No kissing on the mouth though.
I have to save something for the man I fall in love with.
And increasingly, since citizens united, PAC, and super PACS are getting involved.
In fact, remember the banjo ad? The one you're still humming in your head? That was sponsored by a PAC called the north Carolina judicial coalition, whose founders included businesses like R.
J.
Reynolds.
And remember this one? I was convicted of stabbing my victims with a kitchen knife, Of shooting my ex-girlfriend and murdering her sister in front of our child.
That was sponsored by something called Justpac, whose donors include Koch industries, the U.
S.
chamber of commerce, and John Deere PAC.
Yes, the people who make tractors also apparently help make judicial decisions for the people of Illinois.
And look, when you have a system where judges are serenaded with banjos, shakedown lawyers for money, compare themselves to prostitutes, and live in constant fear of tractors, you have a problem.
Because faith in a strong independent judiciary is essential for a civilized society.
Without it, we're settling disputes either in thunder-domes, or via "the purge".
And I still can't work out how that thing works.
Are they any rules? Are time zone a factor in the purge? Is the east coast purge an hour before the purge central time? In which case nobody tweet about it.
It spoils it for everyone.
Look, if we're going to keep electing judges, we may have to alter our idea of what justice is.
In fact, at the very least, to be a bit more representative, we should tweak the blindfolded lady holding scales to put a tip jar in her hand, and give her a fucking winking emoji for a face.
And now, this.
And now CNN weatherman Chad Myers hates his job, his life and everyone around him.
You look cold, Chad.
I am freezing, Carol.
They wouldn't let me take in my storm gear for this hit so I'm standing out here in a suit in this little coat.
Got a little strep throat, a little cold.
Maybe some influenza.
I'm not even sure what's going on in this Chad Meyers.
We even call him in here.
This is so big.
That's right you never call me in when there's actually good weather.
You always bring me when there is something bad to talk about I'm afraid may have been right for once.
Hey Chad, happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving, I-i grabbed the short drumstick and here I am.
It's good to see both of you, especially you same, Don.
They send me to New York and then they work me to death.
When I was six I did get coal in my stocking mister Smithsonian says it looks like a cross between a house cat and a Teddy bear.
- My wife already wants one.
- Oh, no! Would you go with your wife? With a marriage counselor? They go to Florida and they like it.
My parents were down there for quite sometimes.
I was in Detroit and they would laugh at me all the time.
Oh, I would too.
Let's bring in Chad Meyers now.
The big thing is oh, look at you, you're crying no, I'm not crying.
This is a very strong storm.
Anderson? Chad Myers.
Thanks for checking in with Susan Hendricks at 3.
50 could you wait until I'm done? If it's ends up over land and that just stand on land it becomes a tornado? You've been paying attention.
And now finally finally, this week was the Chinese new year.
Objectively the best new year, not only because it doesn't involve Ryan Seacrest, but because China goes all out.
Across the country, people welcomed the year of the sheep with elaborate light displays, dancing, and even a fireworks-like performance using molten iron.
Ok.
That seems immensely unsafe.
Unless they are killing a Terminator in which case by all means, you do what you have to do.
Yes, this week marked the beginning of the year of the sheep.
Unless it didn't.
So it's the sheep and the year of the goat, right? Exactly.
The year of the sheep go it depends on where you're from.
But they're all essentially the same the year of the ram, goat, sheep, whatever you want to call it.
Year of the goat or year of the sheep depending on which translator you ask.
That's, that's actually true.
You see the problem here is in the Chinese language, the same word: "Yang" is used for both sheep and goat.
In fact, without a qualifier, it can mean any hoofed animal that eats grass and bleats.
So technically, if she was wearing high heels and eating a salad, this could be the year of Stevie Nicks.
The point is, the point is, the center piece of the Chinese festivities is their annual new year's gala.
And it is incredible.
The new year's gala is an old school variety show.
A five-hour marathon heavy on song, dance, and communist party style patriotism, it's a cultural phenomenon in China, drawing more viewers than the Oscars, Emmys and VMAs combined.
Oh, it doesn't stop there.
Cause you can throw in the Super Bowl and the Latin Grammys, and you're still not close.
700 million people tune into the gala.
That's one in every 10 people on earth.
And when you see it, it starts to make sense.
Because the opening number alone was quite possibly the happiest song of all time.
Holy shit, that kid is amazing! See? By the way, see, Caillou? That is what a bald child is supposed to behave like.
He's outside, he's living is life he's having adventures, Caillou! Grow up! And look that was just the beginning the gala also featured contortionists pouring water with their feet, a man chugging rice wine and someone else spinning around on roller skates with a child on his head while a giant robot looks on.
And that alone is China in microcosm right there, a gigantic machine looming over its subjects, forcing them to be more coordinated than anyone thought it was physically possible.
Clearly, the Chinese take their new year celebrations very seriously.
So when the American consulate in Hong Kong put together a video to celebrate it, I can only assume it was equally spectacular.
where to, city head? All right.
Stop, stop, stop, stop rights there.
What the fuck was that? Let's pray that no one in mainland China saw that because slapping a pair of sunglasses on a stuffed sheep seems like an insult.
Even I can do better than that.
Watch, watch I'll do it right now.
How ya doing, friends? Please enjoy my articulated mouth and full range of motion.
It's the least I can do for a nation which own over a trillion dollars of U.
S debt to honor the year of me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, gentlemen, the year of whom? Huh? This is the year of the goat.
Oh boy, this is not gonna be good.
Ok.
Oh, this is the year of the sheep.
No, honey this is the year of the goat.
- Goat! - Sheep! Boy, boy, boy this is just a cultural misunderstanding the Chinese language actually doesn't make a specific distinction between the two of you.
But why, why, why, we are completely different! Ok? The goats have beard, see? See, see, see sheep just can't grow beard they are like Topher Grace Ok, fair enough.
My cheese has vitamin C! And so what? Who eat the cheese for the vitamin C? Hey fun fact, Johnny.
I eat tin cans.
No, no, no that is an urban legend.
Oh I've done it! You're calling me a liar? Oh yes we are! No, no, no, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! I know why you are different.
Only one of you goes well with mint jelly.
Fuck you! Let's wrangle this guy! No, no, no, don't, stop it! That's our show! See you next week! Happy year of the goat-sheep.
Good night! Guys, stop it, stop it, stop it! Be good, don't bite, no biting! No biting! Stop it, stop, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!