Lead Balloon (2006) s02e03 Episode Script

50 means 50.
Not 52, not 54, not "Oh, it's all right because there's no-one around "so I'll ignore all that and set my own speed limit because I know best.
" 50 means 50.
What does 50 mean? ALL: 50.
Correct.
Thank you.
Now, can anyone tell me why they found that such a difficult concept to grasp? I just assumed it was a 50-mile-an-hour zone because Ahhh.
"Assume".
Interesting word, "Assume".
Let me let you in on a little secret about the word "assume".
Assume makes an ass out of U and me.
Or in this case more "U" than "me".
So if it says 50, it means 50, no arguments, no excuses, unless of course you happen to be driving a big red truck with the word FIRE written on the side.
Or you're a minicab driver.
(ALL MUGH) Oh, we have a comedian in our midst.
Let me ask you, what do you do for a living? I am a comedian.
Very funny, but joking aside, what's your line of work? Well, no, that's what I do, I am a comedian.
Listen, sunshine.
We can do this the fun way, or I can make your day with me a misery.
So What do you do for a job? Of work? I'm a sales rep.
I sell biscuits.
Mmm, that's better.
So When you're driving around selling your biscuits Another one? Yes.
I don't know what's going on.
Well, what's going on is that you keep breaking the speed limit.
- I thought you'd have learnt your lesson.
- I did.
How come you were doing q6 in a 50mph zone? I assumed it was 50.
It's not as if it was a built-up area.
Gosling Road? Of course it's a built-up area.
It's got shops and everything.
They're not really shops, are they? World of Leather and Matalan? Bombing around in your little hot hatch.
It's not a hot hatch, it's just a slightly higher spec.
Bloody hell.
Three more points.
I'll have nine points on my licence.
Well, you're going to have to slow down.
One misunderstanding away from a ban.
It's quite simple, keep to the speed limit.
Unless I suppose it could work if - No, no, it doesn't matter.
- What? Well, we could say you were driving it.
What? No way.
Cos there's a box, you just have to tick it and say I wasn't the driver.
What, and then I get your points? - Yeah.
- No! Why not? It could have been you driving.
But it wasn't me.
It was you.
You keep the points.
Oh, come on, what difference does it make? You've got a clean licence, haven't you? Well, I might have three points.
You've got three points on your licence? What for? - Speeding.
- Aah! I was on my way home from Manchester, last year, - I was doing 80 on the motorway.
- On the motorway! Well, there's no excuse for that.
Everyone knows it's 70 on the motorway.
Yes, and everyone does 80.
Well, there you go, then.
Come on, let's just say it was you driving No! Then that way we'll both have six points.
That makes it fair.
No, what I think is fair is if you keep your points and I keep mine.
Come on.
How is that fair? m???.
That is funny, Rick.
- That is really funny.
- You think so? Funniest thing I've heard in years.
You drive like an asshole, and I voluntarily, take the rap.
- That's hilarious.
- All right.
Let's get on with this.
Lancing Audio.
Did you really think I'd do that? Well, yeah, as a friend I'd do it for you.
Great.
Well, do it for yourself then.
Remember when you needed a deposit for your flat? - Who lent you the money? - Mel.
- Yeah, who you only know through me.
- The guy I asked first.
Yeah.
OK, if you're going to split hairs Just don't come running to me next time you want to borrow a car.
What would I want with an ex-demo family car? It's not a family car.
Technically it's a hot hatch.
You only have to touch the pedal and it does 50.
As the points on your licence will testify.
Now, let's get on with these gags.
I wanna impress these people.
- Why are you so keen? - I want some freebies.
Check this out.
You plug in your iPod and it plays in any room in the house.
You've only got two rooms.
If I had a bigger deposit from my mates, I'd have a bigger house.
- What's wrong with headphones? - People might come over.
- What people? - My friends.
You don't have any friends (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh! - Just got in time.
- Yeah.
Magda, why didn't you buy my usual coffee? Oh, had run out.
Lady in shop said will have again today.
So why did you buy such a big jar of this if it's just for one day? Was on special offer, was same price as small one.
Yeah, but if it's disgusting, you don't want more of it.
That means we're just stuck with it.
- Oh, well, just throw away.
- No, cos that's just a waste.
OK, I will go and get for you.
No, I couldn't expect you to go out in the rain just because you went and bought the wrong coffee.
It's OK.
I have car, I will drive.
Yeah, I was going to say, how are you getting on with the driving? Is OK, thank you.
- So I will go to shop now.
- No, don't go out now, you'll get soaked.
Stay here.
Sit down, have a coffee.
It's probably quite nice, actually.
So, how long is it since you passed your test? Three months.
Three months, is it? And you're getting on OK, are you? Yes, I am driving very slowly.
I am still very careful.
Excellent, well done.
Thank you.
So, I don't expect you've got any points or anything? Points? On your driving licence? What are points? Yeah, what are points? Good question.
They're just things you get on your licence sometimes.
Are they a good thing or a bad thing? Depends which way you look at it.
Actually, it's funny you mention points, because I was wondering if you'd do me a little bit of a favour.
Yes, if I can help.
Only don't mention it to Mel, or Marty for that matter because, well, they'll probably be jealous that I didn't ask them first Biscuit? OK, "Hope you can hear me at the back.
If not, you've only yourselves to blame.
" - Mm-hm.
- This is good.
I heard last year you had two comedians, they both bombed.
All that money for a lousy pair of speakers.
- Now you know how your customers feel.
- Don't say that.
You'll upset them.
I'm not pussyfooting around just cos you want a free sound system.
Ah, what's all this.
Thinking of buying a new hi-fi? No, it's just I'm I've always seen you as more of a book person.
Yeah, you're right, actually.
- A member of the local literati.
- Or national.
Yes, I thought so.
Which brings me rather neatly along to the matter that I wanted to run by you.
Right.
You're no doubt aware our library is under threat of closure.
- oh! - Yes.
I'm leading the campaign - to keep it open.
- Good for you, Michael.
Thank you.
But obviously, that takes money, so I was hoping I could enlist the services of your good self.
- Thing is - It's a little fundraiser - that we're putting together - I'm quite busy just now.
It won't take long, just pop along to the library.
You want me to do a gig in the library? We've got permission to move the furniture round, create a bit of atmosphere.
I'll be honest, I can't really see that working.
I'm not sure this is for me Well, the point is it's NOT for you, it's for the community.
Maybe find another celebrity who lives locally.
There aren't any.
I've tried.
- It's not the right venue for comedy.
- All right.
Come along and say a few words, don't do any jokes.
Then people will say, "Mmm, saw Rick Spleen the other night, "not funny at all, no jokes, no material, nothing.
" It'll be the Metro review all over again.
- Yeah, can I get back to you on this? - Of course.
No pressure.
Maybe tomorrow morning? First thing, yeah? Then I can Then I can what? What the hell does that mean? I don't know.
Maybe it's how they heckle you at a library.
If you're really bad, you get shushed off.
I'm not saying he's got magic powers, I'm just saying, no, I don't think he's a fraud.
Darrel Pinkton? He's an astrologer.
If he had any psychic powers, he'd be living in a mansion on his lottery winnings.
Not presenting a daytime show on UK Living.
They're not supposed to use their powers for their own benefit.
So he's not being paid for this show? Look, can we just drop the subject? Yeah.
Yeah Of course.
Ha ha I just think it's funny he's so overweight.
Why? What's funny about that? You'd think he'd have some kind of power to help him not be fat.
Well, anyway they've signed him up for two series.
On UK Living.
How was your day? Did you get much done? Yeah, yeah, just some writing for the Audio gig.
Michael's trying to rope me into doing a benefit for the library.
- I hope you said yes.
- Why? They're trying to close it down.
It's outrageous.
Is it? Do we still need libraries in this day and age? - Course we do.
- Everything's on the internet.
When was the last time you used the library? Not recently, but I was in there all the time when Sam was little.
In fact, we've still got a book of theirs upstairs.
From when Sam was a child? God, that's going to be a fine.
I'm sure they'll let you off if you do this benefit for them.
Stick it in the bin.
They haven't missed it.
- You really think I should do it? - Yes, I do.
But Michael's organizing it.
It'll be rubbish.
- No, it won't.
- I can't do a gig in a library I could get shushed off.
You should use that.
- Hi, Magda.
Good weekend? - No.
I get letter.
Ah, who's it from? From driving people.
They have given me points.
Oh, they've arrived, have they? Three, was it? - Yes.
- Yeah, thought so.
Par for the course.
But they say I must pay f500.
Really? Oh, this is all right.
What this is, is you have to pay a f500 penalty or you can go on a safe driving course - it's like a talk about driving.
I've done it.
It's quite interesting.
I don't like to have to do this.
Well, it's up to you.
You can always pay the fine if you prefer.
I don't have this much money.
Well, then probably the course is your best option, yeah.
It's only half a day.
I reckon you'd enjoy it.
And where is Milton Kines? Keynes.
Milton Keynes.
It's North London way.
- So I can take Underground? - Um Probably better not.
- No, easier by car.
- How long will take me to drive? Half an hour.
Maybe more, depending on traffic.
But I am worried car is breaking down, and sometimes it stops in the road and I can't start it.
Give yourself plenty of time.
You'll be fine.
- Perhaps it is better I take your car? - Yeah, mmm.
Not sure I like the idea of you driving my car.
But you have said I did drive.
I know, and look what's happened.
I think it's probably better if we stick to our own cars from now on.
So, what do you think? Oh, you're not still looking at sound systems.
We've got to finish this.
I need to write some stuff for the library gig.
- You're doing it? - Looks like I'll have to.
Mel thinks libraries are a good thing.
- Women.
They say some cray stuff.
- (SAM) Hi, Dad.
Hi, Marty.
- How's it going? - Yeah.
Good.
Oh, um, Dad, just so you know, me and Ben are going to get some tattoos done.
- What? - Yeah, you know.
Thought - why not? Cool.
Friend of mine had this cobra tattoo going right up her back, over her shoulder, on to her neck so it looked like it was biting her ear.
Charming.
Sam, you're not having a tattoo.
No, but Mum said it's OK.
I'm going to get, like, a little animal, or an insect-type thing, something You don't even know what you want? - Ben's going to get a Maori design.
- Yeah.
Really? Do you have any Maori blood in you? Oh.
I don't know.
Yeah, so, Dad Sam, look, don't ask me for money.
I don't want you to have a tattoo.
No, no, God, no, Dad, we don't need any money.
No, a mate of Spikey's is gonna do it.
Yeah, and he's a really good artist.
He can get all the needles Sam, look At least go to a professional.
- Yeah? That's great.
- Wow, thanks.
Not you, Ben, I'm not paying for yours, just Sam's.
No, Dad, it's fine, there's, um, there's a place in town that does two for the price of one, so we can get it done Yeah.
Great, yeah, thanks.
Maybe you should have insisted Sam get two.
"Don't sssshhhhhhhhhhhut our library".
- Yes, the slogan was my idea.
- Clever.
I see what you've done there.
Yeah.
It just came to me like that.
Thing is, people are going to think I came up with that line.
I can live with that.
I don't mind you getting credit for my witticisms.
- I'm sure you're used to that, Marty.
- Rick's always very generous.
- It's yours to use.
Free.
- Thank you.
But if you do use it in other shows, I'd appreciate an acknowledgement, a payment.
Yeah, thing is, Michael, I really don't see this working in any other context, and if I'm honest, maybe not even in this one.
Oh.
Well, if you think you can come up with anything better.
Only, Fiona thought it was very funny.
fiona? Yes.
Yeah, she's the head librarian.
We've been liaising on the campaign, been seeing quite a bit of each other Michael, you're blushing.
Is there something going on with you and Fiona? No, no, no.
It's purely professional, although we do seem to be getting along rather well.
I hear what you're saying.
And I don't mind admitting she's abit of a stunner.
OK, I'll get you gentlemen your lunch.
- Oh, that's great(!) - What? I've got to do a benefit so he can have his way with Fiona.
Love is in the air.
What's the matter with you? "Don't sssshhhhhhhhut our library"! Don't sssshhhhhhhhag our librarian! - You know Sam's getting a tattoo? - Well, she's thinking about it.
She and Ben seem pretty set on the idea.
She said you were all right with it.
No, I did not say that.
What I said was She hasn't had it done, has she? No, no.
She just mentioned it.
And? - And nothing.
- Good.
Anyway, it's irrelevant.
She can't afford it.
Exactly.
You gave her the money? Yes, as Darrel Pinkton will no doubt already know, I gave her the money, because Well, the alternative was letting one of Spikey's mates loose on her with an old syringe and a bottle of Quink.
50 quid not to have a daughter with hepatitis - I think that's money quite well spent.
Well, just don't go paying for Ben's.
His mother will go up the wall.
Incredible, isn't it? I've got my entire CD collection in this little iPod.
I only have two CDs, but still, I think it's neat.
It's true, smaller is better.
If only my wife would see it that way! Big laugh.
You've been a great audience.
And thank you for the free Lancing K1 O system - my writer loves it.
Well, what have you got? A library is like a good book Oh, man! Forget about the library poster.
This is important too.
Just cos you don't use libraries, doesn't mean the rest of us have to go without cos you can't read.
I am not writing a slogan for Michael's poster.
- I'm not paid to do that.
- OK.
Forget about the library.
Hi.
Is Fiona around? I'm Fiona.
Oh, right.
Is there another Fiona works here? No.
Why? No, I just wondered.
Sometimes that happens, get two people with the same name, working in the same place, can cause confusion I'm Rick, Rick Spleen.
I'm doing the thing here on the 1 7th, to save the library.
Oh, you're Michael's friend.
Well, I know him.
I'm gonna do the recce I thought I recognised you from the posters.
That's not the official poster.
I'm gonna do something much better - Good of you to come and help us out.
- Well, just doing my bit.
Oh, and, um I found this in at home, so I thought I'd better bring it back in.
Sorry.
So is it OK if I move some of the furniture? I want to put the chairs and tables to the back, maybe black out the windows, cos there'll be a lot of people There's an overdue charge of f6 to pay on that.
- Sorry? - That'll be f6, please.
No, I was just thinking, under the circumstances, you could waive the fine I understand, but there is an overdue charge of f6.
- I know, I'm just - 1 5p a day to a maximum of f6.
But considering the fact I'm gonna be doing a show for you I'm sorry, we can't make exceptions.
Not even for someone who's gonna be saving your library? No.
- You didn't even know it was missing.
- You will have had a letter.
- I didn't get a letter! - You waited ten years to return this! I just forgot that we had it at home.
Please don't raise your voice.
It's not like I was sitting around going, "Ha ha! We've got the library book!" - Please don't snatch! - Oh, I'll take the bloody thing home.
If you remove a library book without checking it out, that is viewed as theft.
All right - here, have it back.
I can only accept the book when you pay the outstanding fine.
Great.
Well, you know what? Let's talk about this again on the 1 7th, yeah? When I've got an audience.
Why didn't you just pay it? f6, for God's sake! It's the principle.
- We're in the wrong.
We should pay.
- Not that principle.
The principle that she should have let me off cos I'm helping the library in a way that's worth much more than six quid and some moth-eaten old book.
Well, if you feel that strongly about it, don't do the benefit.
You're kidding! I'm looking forward to it.
She's picked on the wrong person.
She's only doing her job.
I'm not some tramp who can't answer back in case he gets thrown out in the cold.
She's just being a bit bossy.
Yeah, well, someone's gonna stand up to her.
This coffee is disgusting.
Oh, you didn't have the stuff in that big jar, did you? Mm.
Yuck! Magda bought it cos it's on special offer.
Proper jar's behind the bread bin.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Mum.
Hi, Dad.
Um, about the tattoo Yeah, we need to talk about that.
- Did you get it done? - Er Not exactly.
Not exactly.
What does that mean? Yeah, well, the thing is, me and Ben went down to the tattoo place and the offer was finished, so what we thought was that if we held on to the money for a bit and see if it was OK with you if I don't get it done and, if it is OK, then maybe we could spend it on other stuff so that I don't get it done by someone else.
So, what, you've spent the money on other things? No.
No, it's not that Well, some of it Yeah, well, most of it, yeah Yeah.
- That's fine, sweetheart.
- Yeah? Really? Cool.
Cos it's quite good, actually, because Ben's mum didn't want him to get a tattoo, so it's worked out quite well.
Yeah? Hasn't it? Listen to this.
She's a born librarian - even as a baby, she was three days overdue.
She fined her mother q5p.
Let's hope she wasn't there when they found the Dead Sea scrolls - "Sorry, these are 2,OOO years overdue.
" It's like the Elgin Marbles How much of this stuff have you got? About an hour - it's dynamite! You're fearless! Not a lot of comics would take on their local spinster librarian.
Let's finish this Lancing Audio set.
Oh, that'll be fine.
I can't wait to see her face.
Afternoon.
Will you be having lunch? Yeah, I'll have the lasagna.
Me too.
So, how's everything for the 1 7th? Fine.
Only, I popped into the library for a recce Yes, I heard.
Don't worry about it.
I think we can get along without you.
- Sorry, is there a problem? - Yeah, there is.
Fiona was quite upset after your visit.
- Well, look, I had this book - For ten years, she told me.
- Let's just leave it, shall we? - I brought it back voluntarily.
She's not used to aggressive and threatening behaviour.
- I wasn't aggressive and threatening! - The word she used was "bully".
- I'm not a bully! - She doesn't want you in there again.
- So you don't want me to do the benefit? - It's out of our hands now.
The council has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to intimidating members of their staff.
Right, I'll get your food for you.
OK, we can use some of this stuff for the Lancing Audio set.
Hi, Magda.
- Is everything all right? - No, I am having bad time.
- Oh, sorry to hear that.
- Yesterday, I went to Milton Kines.
Keynes.
Oh, yeah, the course.
How d'you get on? Not good.
You say is in North London.
No, north OF London, I think I would have said Half-hour, you say.
It's 55 miles! - Is it that far? - Took me one-and-a-half hours! Traffic, you see.
You have to allow And I am late, and I am getting lost, and I am worried I will have trouble from people when I get there.
You shouldn't have worried.
They're very friendly.
So, I am getting late, and I am driving faster.
Like I said, you should have left earlier.
And then I see behind me police car, and lights are flashing.
Oh, you weren't speeding? Yes, speeding.
I am going too fast, and policeman say I must have three points on licence How fast were you going? 50 miles an hour, but he say law is 50 in this road.
- It was obviously a built-up area.
- It didn't look like built-up area.
You can't just assume these things! So now you've gone and got yourself six points on your licence! - No, nine.
- What? He says tyres are old, and I must have three points on licence for this also.
So now I have nine points on licence.
This is very bad.
Well, you're just gonna have to be really careful in future.
But it's not my fault I have these points.
Is your fault! I can see why you'd think that, but it really isn't as straightforward as that.
Now I cannot use car because I have old tyres, and if I get more points on licence, I will lose it.
Come on.
You've got yourself into a bit of a mess.
- Perhaps I will talk to Mel.
- No! - Look, maybe I can help you out, mm? - Yes? Buy you a new set of tyres for your car - Yeah? - Yes? And maybe some extra money so you can buy yourself something nice.
- I will.
- I'm going into town.
I'll get you some cash out.
Maybe Could you Please.
??.
Remember, you can't change the future, but you un be ready for it when it comes.
This is Darrect Pinkton saying good night.
What do you think? I mean, given that you hate him and that sort of thing.
It's not bad for a pilot, is it? He's a charlatan.
They all are! I don't know.
He's uncannily accurate, if you ask me.
- He said something about you today.
- Did he? Yeah, what was it? Oh, yeah, that was it.
He said, "Beware of handing over money to someone.
" Really? Was that it? No.
Actually, he was quite specific.
He said, "Watch out for Magda fooling you into giving her f28O "by pretending she got six extra points on her way to Milton Keynes.
" You've got to admit, that is pretty accurate.
How did you? You mean, she was lying? All that stuff about being stopped But she was crying and everything! - She blew her nose in a tea-towel - That bit was her idea.
- You put her up to this?! - Too right I did! Poor Magda! Making her take your points She was fine about it.
She had a clean licence.
You honestly thought she wouldn't tell me? You went behind my back.
You are so deceitful! You're acting like you're the victim in all of this.
I am the bloody victim in this! I've just been conned out of 280 quid! Think of it as a fine, to go with the three points you should have had.
You know, this whole thing could have been avoided if you'd just taken my points in the first place.
You're right.
This is all my fault.
Yeah.
- Do you want me to read your horoscope? - Ha-ha, that's very funny(!) Oh, hi, Magda.
Is that a new coat? - Yes.
You like? - It's lovely.
- Don't you think it's lovely, Rick? - Mmm.
Yeah, it's lovely.
I will keep for special occasions, but I wanted to show you.
Thanks for that.
- You have told him? - Yes.
Yes, I've told him.
I hope you don't mind.
Mel said you would find funny.
Oh, it was hilarious, yeah(!) Oh, bloody hell! What? You haven't been done for speeding again, have you? No.
It's that stupid cow at the library.
She reported me to the council.
Look, they're gonna take me to court.
No, wait - it says, "The council will not pursue the case further "provided you attend an anger management course.
" Where is this course? Is it in Milton Kines? Wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh I'm like a one-man band Clapping in the pouring rain