Lodge 49 (2018) s02e03 Episode Script
DisOrientation
1 - You mentioned Larry Loomis.
- I did? Merrill said that only a couple people complete the Magnum Opus.
- I think I might be one of 'em.
- Bill? [LAUGHING.]
I'm Sean.
Bill Dudley was my father.
- Liz! - Wait, so, Shamroxx is like, gone? Janet said something new was about to rise from the ashes.
Everyone has to come off the road at some point.
The order desk.
This is where I started 20 years ago.
Oh my God.
El Confidente's real? I guess it's time to tell you about Mexico.
- The road to Guadalajara, baby.
- Yeah! From Long Beach, it's only what, 35 hours? What? Hey, don't worry.
You're exactly where you're supposed to be.
And I can prove it.
Reach behind the seat.
There's a beautiful painting.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is kinda freakin' me out.
Well, I I paint my dreams, you know? Sometimes I see chimeras, sometimes the future.
But, uh, it's a real thing.
You know, I got a group of doctors who pay to study my brain.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I see 'em when I I'm up here on business.
[LAUGHS.]
L.
MARVIN METZ: Suddenly, all the pieces were falling into place.
Olaf had a twin.
Stone, still dangling from the chandelier, finally understood that he'd been set up.
- Oh, my God.
- [STOPS CASSETTE.]
You know, I have a theory about L.
Marvin Metz.
I think that he's a Lynx like us.
You ever notice that all his books are set in a city where there's a lodge? - Hmm.
- Mm.
Damn, you're right.
He's on his North American book tour right now, and if he comes to Guadalajara, I'm gonna ask him in person.
[CHUCKLES.]
So you were a Sovereign Protector.
Mm-hmm.
Lodge 55.
It was one of the stops on Larry's Grand Tour.
Ah.
It's all about the connections.
"The world is bound by secret knots.
" Mm-hmm.
I remember reading that when I was studying to be a knight.
Mm.
Larry said you were a great knight - Mm.
- and a true warrior.
Ah, Larry.
Hey, don't bust out crying.
We still got 20 hours left in the van.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
- Welcome to Lodge 55.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Our old building got condemned.
Membership dwindled.
We kept downsizing until we arrived here.
"We"? Where's everyone else.
Well, "we" is me.
I'm the last member left.
- Oh.
- That's, uh, us arriving now.
I think it's still happening.
- [ERNIE CHUCKLES.]
- EL CONFIDENTE: Ahh.
What the hell? That's us later tonight.
The gold symbolizes the scrolls or somethin'.
Why am I dressed like a mariachi? Well, I I paint the destination, not the path.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
So, what's the plan? Little siesta, go into town, and find your antiquarian, right? Well [SIGHS.]
not exactly.
We're not going to Guadalajara.
We're going someplace else.
Where? A little place called Comala.
Strange place.
At noon, the shadows look wrong.
The wind blows hot all the time, even at midnight.
What are you talkin' about? [SIGHS.]
Grab a couple beers, and I'll explain.
That's when I won the bowling bag from Larry, but he didn't tell me the whole story.
I thought it was just some old artifacts and shit - that I could sell.
- Mm-hmm.
So I took 'em to the lodge and I offered 'em around, and there was this one dude, Roberto Núñez, and he was a bricklayer from Comala.
He was super into alchemy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
There's always a few, huh? Oh, sure.
We have ours.
Blaise.
And Dud, too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
So Roberto offered to trade me for a car.
Mm-hmm.
Turned out to be an old beater truck.
It was put together with Bondo.
- I said, "I don't think so.
" - [LAUGHS.]
But I told him I had this offer from a high-end antiquarian who offered me $10,000.
- Mm.
- So that's what I did.
I went to the antiquarian and I gave him the bowling bag, and he gave me 10 grand.
So when I got back to the lodge, Roberto Núñez stuck a gun in my face and took my money.
Jacked by a fellow Lynx.
- That is cold.
- Isn't it? - Yeah.
- And then Larry calls me up.
It wasn't just some shit.
It was the scrolls.
So I went back to the antiquarian.
He said a week after we made the deal, somebody broke into his shop, stole a bunch of shit - Mm.
- and the bowling bag, and then burned down the shop.
You think Roberto did it.
Well, yeah.
I mean, he stole my money and took the scrolls.
- This is some heavy shit.
- Mm! So that's why I brought you in.
I could use your assassin skills.
[CHUCKLES.]
Assassin skills? Yeah, well, Larry told me you were a Navy SEAL.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, man! I was a radar man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Assassin skills.
Well, whatever.
Hey I'm glad you're here.
I mean, I think we're, like, brothers now, huh? You know, like two old knights fulfilling a promise to a fallen king.
[BOTTLES CLINK.]
[SIGHS.]
So [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Tonight, we're going to Comala to find Roberto Núñez.
That asshole has the scrolls.
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[WHISPERS.]
Shh.
Shh.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLATTERING, GLASS SHATTERS IN DISTANCE.]
[WHISPERS.]
Huh? Shh.
[FLASHLIGHT CLICKS.]
[THUDDING.]
The safe! Damn! No cash! There's no scrolls either.
Yeah, those, too.
You don't care anything about the scrolls, do you? You came just for the money.
I care about the scrolls, but I'd like to get my 10 grand back.
This is all bullshit.
And guess what? I'm not a mariachi.
Sometimes things get scrambled.
[ANIMAL EXHALES.]
[CHEWING, SLURPING SOUNDS.]
- What?! - Ugh! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Well, I think the antiquarian beat us to Roberto, got his revenge.
- But I think I know where to find him.
- [GASPS.]
But first, let's take some time to cool down.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Okay? You know, 'cause we're brothers.
We'll finish this job together.
[PATS SHOULDER.]
[BIRD SQUAWKS.]
["ABYSSINIAN SECRET" PLAYS.]
Come inside my little castle Let me show you something that is quite Unique On my trip to Abyssinia Bought it from a peddler who had served A sheikh Smuggle it away Don't give me away I must keep it out of the light Hid it in the back of my little shack Now I never dare to fall asleep At Ni ["GRIS" PLAYS.]
- [TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Y consciencia se apodera de mi Aah! Para mi todo es Gris - [ERNIE GASPING.]
- Solo tengo tu recuerdo en mi And El Confidente was passed out next to me, and we were getting the same dumbass tattoo.
[GASPS.]
I took off in the tiger van and drove home.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my God! What?! Okay, okay, okay.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
All right, I'll need to, uh I'll need to get home, pack a few things.
- What are you talking about? - Mexico.
We have to go back.
Did you hear a word I just said? It was a nightmare.
Because you went without me, okay? I'm your squire.
If there's a quest, I need to go.
There's nothing down there but dust and shadow, and El Confidente is just another con man.
He's not a con man.
He's not a con - [GROANS.]
- Okay, he can see the future.
That's why they call him El Confidente.
He has confidence.
He's a confidence man.
Ernie, look, the scrolls, they were right there.
- I mean, you were so close.
- There's no scrolls! And if they do exist, they're just paper [CHUCKLES.]
moldy and worthless, no use to anyone.
I'm done with it.
I'm back in reality.
I got bills to pay.
I got my Caddy in the shop.
- I'm on the order desk.
- No, no.
No.
You can't settle for the order desk.
You're a road man! That's what you were moanin' about last night.
I was in denial, feelin' sorry for myself.
But now the order desk is just what I need.
God.
It's nice and quiet and normal.
No dead bodies.
No donkey unicorn.
Are you are you are you sure? Personally, I'd take the the donkey-corn over the order desk.
[GROANS.]
Uh, Ern Ernie! [DOOR CLOSES.]
JEREMY: Well, so here at Higher Steaks, we like to ask the question, what do people want? The answer is Is it Higher Steaks? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes, it is! Higher Steaks.
Everything is Higher Steaks now.
Everything.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Life or death.
Every day.
Do you really need to interview me? This isn't Shamroxx, Liz.
No.
No, you're right.
This is Higher Steaks.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, uh, tell me about your last job experience.
Uh, my boss was a total psycho.
He got busted by the Feds.
Well, that sounds, um challenging, and yet, um, fulfilling.
Does it? I just remember seeing you at the temp office, lost and drifting and terrified.
But, hey, here we are, together again, and everything's great! This is a really upscale eating experience, and I'm confident that we'll all rise - to meet the f fulfilling challenge - Jeremy, Jeremy.
- Hey.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
It'll be fine.
Okay? [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Thank you.
You're hired.
Of course you're hired.
You were always gonna be hired.
[CHUCKLES.]
All this this was all Kabuki.
Just stupid, stupid Kabuki.
- Great.
- Yeah, whew! So according to El Confidente who is apparently real? Yep.
Um, somewhere in Guadalajara, there's a vengeful antiquarian who might be in possession of the scrolls.
That's my understanding.
Wow.
That's a lot.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
You have a plan, or Well well, we need El Confidente first, and I can't find any info on Lodge 55.
There's no current address, and Ernie is no help.
He's in some kind of a mood or somethin'.
One thing at a time.
Um, I tried a new fermentation process using, uh, Glauber's Pharmacopoeia Spagyrica.
Should have a little more kick.
Great, great.
I I need it.
The dickheads at the hospital, they're giving me grief about my bill.
Um, any progress on the diary? No.
No.
But I wanna show you somethin'.
Follow me.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa! Whoa.
Okay.
So are y are you livin' here? Just for the last few months.
I was over at the Driftwood apartments for a long time, but the owner died, investment group bought the property, tripled the rent, so here I am.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Is that even legal? Yep.
You can't fight progress.
I'm good.
This place is safe and secure.
It's got everything I need.
And more importantly, I set up my lab - Magnum Opus HQ.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
So cool.
What's that? Philosophic egg.
It's a key component.
It's where materials mingle and then emerge as a new substance totally reborn.
These dream images are coded instructions for the material process.
Yeah.
Dreams.
Dreams are important, right? Oh, yeah.
Carl Jung was obsessed with alchemy.
His whole theory of the unconscious - comes out of it.
- Yeah.
The the reason I mention it is 'cause Larry sort of came to me in a dream.
Yeah.
We were in the tavern, and he told me to find Thermosaurus.
[CHUCKLES.]
By which he meant the holy grail, by which he meant the scrolls.
Yeah.
And his mom was there, too.
That's pretty specific.
Yeah, it it could've been a dream, but it also sounds like it might've been a visitation.
Just throwin' that out there.
You mean, like, from Larry's ghost? ["I WAS A MOD BEFORE YOU WAS A MOD" PLAYS.]
I can go anywhere anytime I choose I will never, ever be a substitute Just set me free, and then you'll watch me fly And heaven knows I'm a lucky guy [CRASH.]
Drop some blues and away we go Takin' a trip down to the coast Oh, yeah I was a mod before you was a mod I always dreaded sports at school.
Didn't exactly fit in with the lads.
God, all those wasted afternoons standing on the sidelines, feeling scared and useless.
All I remember is the cold and the damp, wishing I was somewhere else.
[SIGHS.]
I fit in.
Well, you know, when you're big and strong and powerful, you fit in whether or not you really feel like you do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Played linebacker for Wilson.
All-CIF.
I just hated it after a while.
But made my dad proud, so Well, he'd be proud of you now.
Sovereign Protector.
You know, you're always talking about ways to boost morale around here, make happy hour, you know, more happy.
Yeah.
Are you thinking of restoring tabs? Because I think that would go a long way to No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Somethin' even better.
Naming of the Dead.
Yeah! It's supposed to be an annual event, but Larry just blew it off like everything else.
Do you really think a marathon candle-lit eulogy of departed Lynx is the best way to promote - [DISPENSING BEER.]
- you know, mirth? It's our duty.
That's why people are feeling down around here, because they feel like we've lost our sense of duty.
No, this is perfect! We can order pizza.
Yeah! Naming of the Dead! You know what? I'm gonna go get those robes out of storage.
- [EMPLOYEES MURMURING.]
- "DisOrientation.
" It's a play on words.
[MURMURING STOPS.]
Here's a fact Some of you can handle Higher Steaks.
Others, frankly, cannot.
And that is why our first team-building exercise will be human chess.
But first a message.
My name is Janet Price, and I demand Higher Steaks.
Why start a restaurant dedicated to the idea that food is a life-or-death proposition? Doesn't life already depend on food? Well, to an extent.
Not long ago, I was stuck.
Yes, I was rich and powerful and being hailed throughout the industry as a visionary who was changing the way the world thinks about the acquisition and restructuring of regional broadline distribution chains.
But on the inside, I felt wretched and alone.
So one night, on a boat in the middle of a harbor during an exclusive corporate-bonding event, my empty core exploded in a big bang of spiritual rebellion.
I jumped ship.
But then a voice, my inner Godhead, roared one thing "Swim, Janet.
Swim.
" - So Janet swam.
- [SIGHS.]
[LOWERED VOICE.]
She stole your story, Liz.
Whatever.
I don't have a story.
Exactly.
We don't own our stories anymore.
The author is dead.
[SIGHS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
ERNIE: Sorry again.
Got replacement parts on the way.
Bob, I got another call about defective ballcocks.
Have you talked to the factory? I gave 'em hell all morning.
Defective Ballcocks? You're the expert, Ernie.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, boy.
Here comes the boom.
Yeah, your ballcocks don't work.
That's why you're off the road and on the order desk.
Beautiful Jeff is trolling you, Ernie.
That's what people do these days.
They troll.
You need to troll him back.
Saw Mooch ordered a couple threaders.
Yeah.
So? We have them in stock here, so my advice tell him you'll drop them off yourself today.
Save him the shipping price.
He'll remember you saved him 50 bucks, and he'll come find you for the next sale.
Right.
Okay.
Thanks, Ernie.
And, uh enjoy the phones, man.
You're gonna die at that desk.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You, too, Speedy.
Speedy? Oh, boy.
Poor Speedy.
Liz, your move.
Jeremy.
Hey! Take her out.
Come on.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I can't.
I can't.
She's just a pawn.
You're a bishop.
She should be the queen! [GROANING.]
I think I'm having a heart attack.
I just want to run out the door and just go running for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
I don't think that's a heart attack.
- [JEREMY GROANS.]
- CHAMP: Have a seat.
All right.
- Okay.
You're okay.
- [GROANING CONTINUES.]
Liz you're manager.
Jeremy bar.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, thank God.
- And checkmate.
- GERSON: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
So, what kind of fish do you get? Mm, off the jetty rockfish, amberjack, halibut.
Nice.
Very "Island of the Blue Dolphins.
" Yeah, when society collapses, I'll be able to feed myself.
Yes, you and your army of violent scavengers.
Society not going to collapse.
You still have to go to college.
[DOOR BELL DINGS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- [MUZAK PLAYS.]
- Hi.
I was just driving by, and I saw the old Dudley & Son sign, and, uh I don't know, something told me to stop by.
And then I saw you in here dressed like you're on your way to Monte Carlo.
[SCOFFS.]
No, no.
I'm, uh, just hanging out in Donuts.
Wanna have a cup of coffee? - Higher Steaks.
Hmm, hmm.
- It's new.
I used to work at Shamroxx, so this is a step up, sort of.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shamroxx? - Mm.
- Well, you look great.
Though your skin looks a little dry.
Are you drinking enough water? Uh, no.
Probably not.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yesterday was nuts.
- I know.
Thanks for helping out.
I w I was thinking about you and your brother.
Your dad was such a nice guy.
I read about what happened to him.
It it sounds like you've had a hell of a year.
Yeah, I guess so.
This may sound weird, but I'd love it if you guys could come over and and let me cook dinner for you.
Okay.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
- CLARA: Some lodges are nicer than others, but they all have their quirks.
I usually get to explore whatever city I'm in.
Do you have a favorite city? [RAIN FALLING.]
I'd say Turin.
Something happened while I was there.
Or I should say nothing happened.
It was autumn time, and I was walking on me own in Piazza San Carlo, and suddenly, there was something strange and menacing about the late afternoon light.
And I just stood there, paralyzed, like a statue staring at my own shadow for eternity.
But it was only a moment, and then it all went dark after that.
Checked myself into a psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks.
I've never told anyone this.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Well Turin sounds great.
[CHUCKLES.]
I saw doctors, but it was the lodge that got me back.
I read about Harwood Fritz Merrill.
He had similar episodes.
Also developed a seizure condition.
He devised his own alchemical remedies, like the Orbiscope.
See, I love Turin 'cause it's the first point on a new map, - my own map.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
And from there, I found my way to a different, better place.
[CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I started having seizures a few years ago.
What? Oh, Connie, darling.
The diagnosis, uh isn't, uh good.
I didn't run away from Long Beach because of my shit show of a personal life, though that's part of it.
[VOICE BREAKS.]
I was running away from You can say it.
I'm scared to die.
It's as stupid and simple as that.
I'm scared that my life will end without a chance to actually see it or understand it.
I see myself on a night in Chicago, like, 30 years ago.
It was after deadline, and the office had cleared out to the bar, but I stuck around that night.
I turned in a big feature and felt like celebrating alone, so I poured myself a little something and I went to the window.
It was snowing outside, and [VOICE BREAKING.]
and and now, from far away, I can see that young woman at the window, triumphant, in love with the night and the falling snow, and she's like this stranger I'll never meet.
But if I could If I could If I could open a door somewhere and find her I wouldn't be afraid anymore.
Aw, man, wow.
This now this, this is art.
- This is great.
- Mm.
Yeah.
I love the ponies.
I hit a trifecta last week at El Rayo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, nice! The sport of kings! The track is just one of my revenue streams.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Toast to Dudley & Son & Daughter.
May you vanquish all your enemies and ride again on the winds of commerce.
[LAUGHING.]
I don't know what the hell I'm saying! No, it's perfect.
Thank you.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
- Whoo! - Mm.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm.
I'm really impressed with your entrepreneurial spirit.
Getting out there, knocking on doors.
Yeah, yeah, well, you know, I gave it a shot, and, uh, now I'm just tryin' to take a break.
You know, tryin' to tryin' to figure out, uh, scalability or right? Is that whatever.
Um, yeah, it's tough with my leg, too, so There's nothing more important than health.
And the fastest way to heal is to stay fydrated.
Yeah.
You mean "hydrated.
" [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
No, I mean "fydrated.
" - Oh.
- And staying fydrated keeps your pores nice and healthy [WHISPERS.]
FYI.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Fydro combines the elemental power of fire and water.
It's a metaphysical fydration system fully optimized with minerals, auras, and antioxidants.
Try it.
- [INHALES SHARPLY.]
- [SIGHS.]
Tastes like water.
It transcends water.
It's the essence of fydration.
Well, thank you.
How'd you like to take some home with you? - Oh - Uh, sure.
Great! Do you want the store price or the insider Mega Deal? Way more value with the Mega Deal.
3 cases for 200 bucks.
I'll be right back.
DUD: Wait, I Oh, my God.
This whole thing was a sales pitch, Dud.
- It's a pyramid scheme.
- Wow, yeah, you know what? I think somethin's kinda off with this lady, and I can always tell, so I think we should probably just go.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Whew! Oh, hey, Lenore, uh, you know, somethin' just came up, and we gotta go.
Oh.
Okay.
I'll load these into your car.
No! No.
We we appreciate the offer for the Mega Deal.
Mm-hmm.
It's just it's not for us.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah.
I knew it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I save your life, I invite you into my home, and all you do is insult me! Okay, whoa! [CHUCKLES.]
You didn't save my life, all right? The guy wasn't trying to kill me.
I mean I mean, well, he did try to murder me later, - but that was - No, it's really out of line - using our dad to sell us this crap.
- Yeah.
Your dad? Your dad would be so ashamed of you two! - Yeah? - His h his son is an unemployed drug addict.
- A drug addict? - And his daughter Oh, he talked about you like you were gonna be the queen! But no! Instead, you're a waitress with bad skin, working at a titty bar! I do not have bad skin, you crazy bitch! [GASPS.]
Get - [LIZ SCREAMS.]
- out of my house! - DUD: Oh! - LIZ: Oh, my Oh! Get the hell out of my house! Get the hell out of my house! - Aah! - Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! She's crazy! - [PANTING.]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [GRUNTING.]
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Huh? Larry.
Um, so, I just wanna kinda make sure that everything was still on track, because, um, 'cause I've been getting a lot of calls from the hospital about my bill.
What? No one does that to my client.
N no one.
I will destroy them, if that's what you want.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I don't want that.
I just You said that you were gonna take care of all the paperwork and make sure all my bills were paid.
- That's that's it.
- Oh, yeah, Dud, don't worry about that.
No, I have, um, filed a motion on your behalf with the Superior Court.
And if they object, then I'll subpoena the judge, and we'll take it to the grand jury.
G great.
Awesome.
That sounds like a plan.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
- Wha the office is calling.
- Okay.
- So - Take your time.
- Okay.
Hello.
Hey, Dud, uh, do you think there's anything off with your lawyer? You mean my law provider? She asked me about the True Lodge.
What the hell do I know about the True Lodge? Maybe she's just being thorough.
She asked me to tell her the name of the Sovereign Protector of Lodge 1.
What does that matter to her? Who is the Sovereign Protector of Lodge 1? I don't know.
It's only known by certain people on certain floors.
My point is, none of that has anything to do with your shark attack.
Uh [DOOR CLOSES.]
Well, sorry I'm late for my torture session.
I got lost again on the way down here.
I swear, some of the corridors upstairs make no sense.
[SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
That's by design.
One of Merrill's techniques.
- He thought it was good to feel lost.
- [SCOFFS.]
[COUGHING.]
Hmm.
a chance to read his monograph on architectural disorientation? Clara? Are you in here? [WHIRRING, LOW BUZZING.]
[SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
No, just me.
- [GASPS.]
- No, don't! What the hell? Suppose, Connie, it's time to bring you into the True Lodge.
You were speedy in name, but not in fact the cheapest of ironies.
Trees are just hairs on the scalp of the Earth, and we are lice crawling through them.
You were the slowest louse, which was fast enough to make you a man.
Godspeed, Speedy.
That was, uh really nice, Bob.
I don't know if it scans, but I I wanted to lean into the emotion.
Speedy, I'm sorry.
I said he was gonna die in that chair, and he did.
I said the same thing to Ernie.
I take it back.
It's not your fault, Jeff.
You can't cause it by saying it.
Nobody has that kinda power.
You just foresaw the inevitable.
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
Hey! - Please stop toying with me.
- What? Avery thought it would be so easy, just feed you a story and and then keep finessing things until I got all the information I wanted.
But you I mean, you had me figured out from the beginning, didn't you? Uh, wait.
Sorry.
You know Avery? Okay, just You're trying to complete the Magnum Opus? N no, no, no.
The Magnum Opus is a fairy tale.
There is no magical formula to create gold.
But the scrolls are still valuable.
[SIGHS.]
Let me okay, let me ask you this.
What do you know about Bitcoin? Or or cryptocurrency in general? Nothing.
Okay, so it's basically a made-up currency.
Mm-hmm, right, but isn't all currency made up? I mean, like, if people believe lemons are money, - then lemons are money.
- Exactly.
Right? - So, okay, I don't want to get too in the weeds on this - Mm.
but Bitcoin, it's it's it's like modern alchemy, right? You solve a riddle, and you create gold.
So Avery and I work for these people who believe that the original algorithm for Bitcoin is based on the scrolls of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
And, I mean, the True Lodge set it all in motion, but we never knew how or when or where until I saw the news report about the mummy, and I caught a glimpse of this, which, you know, we know to be an emblem of the True Lodge.
So I contacted Avery.
He showed up here and he pieced it all together.
Where is Avery? Antarctica, but that's not important now.
Look, this all goes back to Wallace Smith and Jackie Loomis.
They brought the scrolls here to Long Beach, right? They they somehow got in touch with the engineers at Orbis and the Parabola Group - [LAUGHING.]
- and and the rest is kind of hazy, but what's important is that whoever has the scrolls can unlock Bitcoin and make millions.
Wow.
Wow! So it is a formula for making gold.
That's what it is.
It's a formula for ma Not magic gold.
I get that.
But, uh Wait.
So what about Smith's diary? Oh, um oh, yeah.
You can you can give this back to Blaise.
- Oh.
- That is, um - Ooh.
- That was a dead end.
But what we need to know now is where to go in Mexico.
Dud, if you can help us, we will make you very rich.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
I mean [CHUCKLES.]
I was really counting on that shark money, you know what I mean? [CHUCKLES.]
And ya kind of screwed me on on that.
I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
That was a scam.
But this no, this [CHUCKLES.]
This is legit.
I mean, the kind of money that I am talking about, I mean, it could [WHISPERS.]
it could solve a lot of problems.
Yeah.
MAN: Keep your water crystal Clear with the help of Dudley Pools.
Worried about keepin' your pool in summertime shape? Look no further.
Visit our store and stock up on everything you need to keep [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[BELLS CHIMING.]
SCOTT: Tonight, we read from the Book of the Dead, where we honor those Lynx who have departed our lodge and now dwell among the stars.
I'll, uh, read the first 300 names, and then we'll take turns.
I would like to start with my father, Mitch Miller, who attained the rank of Solemn Knight and who helped lead the lodge to 10 muni-league softball titles.
- MAN #1: Yeah.
- MAN #2: Yeah.
Go forth in light, Mitch Miller.
ALL: Go forth in light.
Moving on Abigail Walters, who attained the rank of Luminous Knight.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
Did ya come to apologize? No.
What is wrong with you? You should be apologizing.
I have a temper.
I didn't want the night to go that way, I swear.
That's not an apology.
I don't do apologies.
I don't care.
I just wanna know what else my dad said about me.
He said a lot of things.
How well did you know him? [SIGHS.]
We were friends for a long time, and then, obviously, we became lovers.
God, you're clueless.
[SIGHS.]
Come in.
You look defydrated.
[SIGHS.]
[DUD GRUNTS.]
[COUGHS.]
[CLEARING THROAT.]
- [MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
- DUD: Uh [SIGHS.]
Um uh - Right there.
- Yep.
Yeah, yep.
Uh, Eddie Oh, I I I I can't.
I can't I can't take it anymore.
I know that this is a beautiful tradition, - but right now, this is not helping anything, okay? - [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
We're all feelin' down for different reasons.
Okay, and I don't wanna point anyone out.
I don't wanna single somebody out.
But maybe I don't know, maybe it's because we're sad because we got laid off at our job at Orbis.
Or maybe because, you know, we got evicted and we had to move into the back of our pot shop.
Or maybe it's because we have a an insane $3,000 bar tab, you know? Or maybe it's because our Caddy's in the shop, you know, and our our girlfriend left the country.
Or maybe because our wife had an affair, - and she left the country - Dud, really not the time.
Which brings us to the lodge.
We kept the doors open, but hasn't been the same.
Nothin's been the same since Larry died, and we're all still dealin' with that.
WOMAN: Mm-hmm.
I know I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Dud, everything you're sayin' here is 100% true, but there's nothin' we can do about it.
" WOMAN: Mnh-mnh.
Well, you're wrong, because there is.
Now, listen.
You're just gonna have to take my word on this, but, basically, I am a major player in a vast international conspiracy.
It involves Bitcoin and the scrolls.
- WOMAN: What? - Now yeah, and and, okay.
And the scrolls are somewhere in Mexico.
Don't know where, but we gotta go get 'em, okay, - because they're worth millions.
- [SIGHS.]
And the great thing is, is that we can all share it.
[MURMURING.]
We need to do this for the lodge.
It's our destiny! And I know that because Larry told me, and and and not to freak anyone out here, but this place is haunted.
It's haunted, and and and I know that because, the other night, Larry and Larry's ghost came to me in the bar and he told me.
He said, "Dud, gotta go down to Mexico, and you gotta get the holy grail," okay? Larry's ghost wants us to go to Mexico.
So who's in? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Okay.
- MAN: Holy shit! - DUD: Whoa! WOMAN: Oh, hey! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Um [DOOR CLOSES.]
Larry wasn't actually in there pounding beers.
[MOUTH FULL.]
It was a ghost! Blaise, tell him.
I might've suggested the possibility of a visitation, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Larry manifested in the material plane.
It's you know, it's kind of a gray area.
- [THUD IN DISTANCE.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
What was that? It's Scott.
He's in the Sanctum.
[GRUNTING, CLATTERING.]
SCOTT: What's going on? [DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
Who the hell are you?! ERNIE: It's El Confidente.
I came up through the tunnel in the trailer.
BIG BEN: Wait, we've got a tunnel? You owe me a drink, Ernesto.
You must be Dud.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I've been dreamin' about you.
[LAUGHS.]
- Let's get a drink.
- Okay! - Man, come on! [LAUGHS.]
- I did? Merrill said that only a couple people complete the Magnum Opus.
- I think I might be one of 'em.
- Bill? [LAUGHING.]
I'm Sean.
Bill Dudley was my father.
- Liz! - Wait, so, Shamroxx is like, gone? Janet said something new was about to rise from the ashes.
Everyone has to come off the road at some point.
The order desk.
This is where I started 20 years ago.
Oh my God.
El Confidente's real? I guess it's time to tell you about Mexico.
- The road to Guadalajara, baby.
- Yeah! From Long Beach, it's only what, 35 hours? What? Hey, don't worry.
You're exactly where you're supposed to be.
And I can prove it.
Reach behind the seat.
There's a beautiful painting.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is kinda freakin' me out.
Well, I I paint my dreams, you know? Sometimes I see chimeras, sometimes the future.
But, uh, it's a real thing.
You know, I got a group of doctors who pay to study my brain.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I see 'em when I I'm up here on business.
[LAUGHS.]
L.
MARVIN METZ: Suddenly, all the pieces were falling into place.
Olaf had a twin.
Stone, still dangling from the chandelier, finally understood that he'd been set up.
- Oh, my God.
- [STOPS CASSETTE.]
You know, I have a theory about L.
Marvin Metz.
I think that he's a Lynx like us.
You ever notice that all his books are set in a city where there's a lodge? - Hmm.
- Mm.
Damn, you're right.
He's on his North American book tour right now, and if he comes to Guadalajara, I'm gonna ask him in person.
[CHUCKLES.]
So you were a Sovereign Protector.
Mm-hmm.
Lodge 55.
It was one of the stops on Larry's Grand Tour.
Ah.
It's all about the connections.
"The world is bound by secret knots.
" Mm-hmm.
I remember reading that when I was studying to be a knight.
Mm.
Larry said you were a great knight - Mm.
- and a true warrior.
Ah, Larry.
Hey, don't bust out crying.
We still got 20 hours left in the van.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
- Welcome to Lodge 55.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Our old building got condemned.
Membership dwindled.
We kept downsizing until we arrived here.
"We"? Where's everyone else.
Well, "we" is me.
I'm the last member left.
- Oh.
- That's, uh, us arriving now.
I think it's still happening.
- [ERNIE CHUCKLES.]
- EL CONFIDENTE: Ahh.
What the hell? That's us later tonight.
The gold symbolizes the scrolls or somethin'.
Why am I dressed like a mariachi? Well, I I paint the destination, not the path.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
So, what's the plan? Little siesta, go into town, and find your antiquarian, right? Well [SIGHS.]
not exactly.
We're not going to Guadalajara.
We're going someplace else.
Where? A little place called Comala.
Strange place.
At noon, the shadows look wrong.
The wind blows hot all the time, even at midnight.
What are you talkin' about? [SIGHS.]
Grab a couple beers, and I'll explain.
That's when I won the bowling bag from Larry, but he didn't tell me the whole story.
I thought it was just some old artifacts and shit - that I could sell.
- Mm-hmm.
So I took 'em to the lodge and I offered 'em around, and there was this one dude, Roberto Núñez, and he was a bricklayer from Comala.
He was super into alchemy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
There's always a few, huh? Oh, sure.
We have ours.
Blaise.
And Dud, too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
So Roberto offered to trade me for a car.
Mm-hmm.
Turned out to be an old beater truck.
It was put together with Bondo.
- I said, "I don't think so.
" - [LAUGHS.]
But I told him I had this offer from a high-end antiquarian who offered me $10,000.
- Mm.
- So that's what I did.
I went to the antiquarian and I gave him the bowling bag, and he gave me 10 grand.
So when I got back to the lodge, Roberto Núñez stuck a gun in my face and took my money.
Jacked by a fellow Lynx.
- That is cold.
- Isn't it? - Yeah.
- And then Larry calls me up.
It wasn't just some shit.
It was the scrolls.
So I went back to the antiquarian.
He said a week after we made the deal, somebody broke into his shop, stole a bunch of shit - Mm.
- and the bowling bag, and then burned down the shop.
You think Roberto did it.
Well, yeah.
I mean, he stole my money and took the scrolls.
- This is some heavy shit.
- Mm! So that's why I brought you in.
I could use your assassin skills.
[CHUCKLES.]
Assassin skills? Yeah, well, Larry told me you were a Navy SEAL.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, man! I was a radar man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Assassin skills.
Well, whatever.
Hey I'm glad you're here.
I mean, I think we're, like, brothers now, huh? You know, like two old knights fulfilling a promise to a fallen king.
[BOTTLES CLINK.]
[SIGHS.]
So [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Tonight, we're going to Comala to find Roberto Núñez.
That asshole has the scrolls.
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[WHISPERS.]
Shh.
Shh.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLATTERING, GLASS SHATTERS IN DISTANCE.]
[WHISPERS.]
Huh? Shh.
[FLASHLIGHT CLICKS.]
[THUDDING.]
The safe! Damn! No cash! There's no scrolls either.
Yeah, those, too.
You don't care anything about the scrolls, do you? You came just for the money.
I care about the scrolls, but I'd like to get my 10 grand back.
This is all bullshit.
And guess what? I'm not a mariachi.
Sometimes things get scrambled.
[ANIMAL EXHALES.]
[CHEWING, SLURPING SOUNDS.]
- What?! - Ugh! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Well, I think the antiquarian beat us to Roberto, got his revenge.
- But I think I know where to find him.
- [GASPS.]
But first, let's take some time to cool down.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Okay? You know, 'cause we're brothers.
We'll finish this job together.
[PATS SHOULDER.]
[BIRD SQUAWKS.]
["ABYSSINIAN SECRET" PLAYS.]
Come inside my little castle Let me show you something that is quite Unique On my trip to Abyssinia Bought it from a peddler who had served A sheikh Smuggle it away Don't give me away I must keep it out of the light Hid it in the back of my little shack Now I never dare to fall asleep At Ni ["GRIS" PLAYS.]
- [TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Y consciencia se apodera de mi Aah! Para mi todo es Gris - [ERNIE GASPING.]
- Solo tengo tu recuerdo en mi And El Confidente was passed out next to me, and we were getting the same dumbass tattoo.
[GASPS.]
I took off in the tiger van and drove home.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my God! What?! Okay, okay, okay.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
All right, I'll need to, uh I'll need to get home, pack a few things.
- What are you talking about? - Mexico.
We have to go back.
Did you hear a word I just said? It was a nightmare.
Because you went without me, okay? I'm your squire.
If there's a quest, I need to go.
There's nothing down there but dust and shadow, and El Confidente is just another con man.
He's not a con man.
He's not a con - [GROANS.]
- Okay, he can see the future.
That's why they call him El Confidente.
He has confidence.
He's a confidence man.
Ernie, look, the scrolls, they were right there.
- I mean, you were so close.
- There's no scrolls! And if they do exist, they're just paper [CHUCKLES.]
moldy and worthless, no use to anyone.
I'm done with it.
I'm back in reality.
I got bills to pay.
I got my Caddy in the shop.
- I'm on the order desk.
- No, no.
No.
You can't settle for the order desk.
You're a road man! That's what you were moanin' about last night.
I was in denial, feelin' sorry for myself.
But now the order desk is just what I need.
God.
It's nice and quiet and normal.
No dead bodies.
No donkey unicorn.
Are you are you are you sure? Personally, I'd take the the donkey-corn over the order desk.
[GROANS.]
Uh, Ern Ernie! [DOOR CLOSES.]
JEREMY: Well, so here at Higher Steaks, we like to ask the question, what do people want? The answer is Is it Higher Steaks? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes, it is! Higher Steaks.
Everything is Higher Steaks now.
Everything.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Life or death.
Every day.
Do you really need to interview me? This isn't Shamroxx, Liz.
No.
No, you're right.
This is Higher Steaks.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, uh, tell me about your last job experience.
Uh, my boss was a total psycho.
He got busted by the Feds.
Well, that sounds, um challenging, and yet, um, fulfilling.
Does it? I just remember seeing you at the temp office, lost and drifting and terrified.
But, hey, here we are, together again, and everything's great! This is a really upscale eating experience, and I'm confident that we'll all rise - to meet the f fulfilling challenge - Jeremy, Jeremy.
- Hey.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
It'll be fine.
Okay? [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Thank you.
You're hired.
Of course you're hired.
You were always gonna be hired.
[CHUCKLES.]
All this this was all Kabuki.
Just stupid, stupid Kabuki.
- Great.
- Yeah, whew! So according to El Confidente who is apparently real? Yep.
Um, somewhere in Guadalajara, there's a vengeful antiquarian who might be in possession of the scrolls.
That's my understanding.
Wow.
That's a lot.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
You have a plan, or Well well, we need El Confidente first, and I can't find any info on Lodge 55.
There's no current address, and Ernie is no help.
He's in some kind of a mood or somethin'.
One thing at a time.
Um, I tried a new fermentation process using, uh, Glauber's Pharmacopoeia Spagyrica.
Should have a little more kick.
Great, great.
I I need it.
The dickheads at the hospital, they're giving me grief about my bill.
Um, any progress on the diary? No.
No.
But I wanna show you somethin'.
Follow me.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa! Whoa.
Okay.
So are y are you livin' here? Just for the last few months.
I was over at the Driftwood apartments for a long time, but the owner died, investment group bought the property, tripled the rent, so here I am.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Is that even legal? Yep.
You can't fight progress.
I'm good.
This place is safe and secure.
It's got everything I need.
And more importantly, I set up my lab - Magnum Opus HQ.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
So cool.
What's that? Philosophic egg.
It's a key component.
It's where materials mingle and then emerge as a new substance totally reborn.
These dream images are coded instructions for the material process.
Yeah.
Dreams.
Dreams are important, right? Oh, yeah.
Carl Jung was obsessed with alchemy.
His whole theory of the unconscious - comes out of it.
- Yeah.
The the reason I mention it is 'cause Larry sort of came to me in a dream.
Yeah.
We were in the tavern, and he told me to find Thermosaurus.
[CHUCKLES.]
By which he meant the holy grail, by which he meant the scrolls.
Yeah.
And his mom was there, too.
That's pretty specific.
Yeah, it it could've been a dream, but it also sounds like it might've been a visitation.
Just throwin' that out there.
You mean, like, from Larry's ghost? ["I WAS A MOD BEFORE YOU WAS A MOD" PLAYS.]
I can go anywhere anytime I choose I will never, ever be a substitute Just set me free, and then you'll watch me fly And heaven knows I'm a lucky guy [CRASH.]
Drop some blues and away we go Takin' a trip down to the coast Oh, yeah I was a mod before you was a mod I always dreaded sports at school.
Didn't exactly fit in with the lads.
God, all those wasted afternoons standing on the sidelines, feeling scared and useless.
All I remember is the cold and the damp, wishing I was somewhere else.
[SIGHS.]
I fit in.
Well, you know, when you're big and strong and powerful, you fit in whether or not you really feel like you do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Played linebacker for Wilson.
All-CIF.
I just hated it after a while.
But made my dad proud, so Well, he'd be proud of you now.
Sovereign Protector.
You know, you're always talking about ways to boost morale around here, make happy hour, you know, more happy.
Yeah.
Are you thinking of restoring tabs? Because I think that would go a long way to No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Somethin' even better.
Naming of the Dead.
Yeah! It's supposed to be an annual event, but Larry just blew it off like everything else.
Do you really think a marathon candle-lit eulogy of departed Lynx is the best way to promote - [DISPENSING BEER.]
- you know, mirth? It's our duty.
That's why people are feeling down around here, because they feel like we've lost our sense of duty.
No, this is perfect! We can order pizza.
Yeah! Naming of the Dead! You know what? I'm gonna go get those robes out of storage.
- [EMPLOYEES MURMURING.]
- "DisOrientation.
" It's a play on words.
[MURMURING STOPS.]
Here's a fact Some of you can handle Higher Steaks.
Others, frankly, cannot.
And that is why our first team-building exercise will be human chess.
But first a message.
My name is Janet Price, and I demand Higher Steaks.
Why start a restaurant dedicated to the idea that food is a life-or-death proposition? Doesn't life already depend on food? Well, to an extent.
Not long ago, I was stuck.
Yes, I was rich and powerful and being hailed throughout the industry as a visionary who was changing the way the world thinks about the acquisition and restructuring of regional broadline distribution chains.
But on the inside, I felt wretched and alone.
So one night, on a boat in the middle of a harbor during an exclusive corporate-bonding event, my empty core exploded in a big bang of spiritual rebellion.
I jumped ship.
But then a voice, my inner Godhead, roared one thing "Swim, Janet.
Swim.
" - So Janet swam.
- [SIGHS.]
[LOWERED VOICE.]
She stole your story, Liz.
Whatever.
I don't have a story.
Exactly.
We don't own our stories anymore.
The author is dead.
[SIGHS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
ERNIE: Sorry again.
Got replacement parts on the way.
Bob, I got another call about defective ballcocks.
Have you talked to the factory? I gave 'em hell all morning.
Defective Ballcocks? You're the expert, Ernie.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, boy.
Here comes the boom.
Yeah, your ballcocks don't work.
That's why you're off the road and on the order desk.
Beautiful Jeff is trolling you, Ernie.
That's what people do these days.
They troll.
You need to troll him back.
Saw Mooch ordered a couple threaders.
Yeah.
So? We have them in stock here, so my advice tell him you'll drop them off yourself today.
Save him the shipping price.
He'll remember you saved him 50 bucks, and he'll come find you for the next sale.
Right.
Okay.
Thanks, Ernie.
And, uh enjoy the phones, man.
You're gonna die at that desk.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You, too, Speedy.
Speedy? Oh, boy.
Poor Speedy.
Liz, your move.
Jeremy.
Hey! Take her out.
Come on.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I can't.
I can't.
She's just a pawn.
You're a bishop.
She should be the queen! [GROANING.]
I think I'm having a heart attack.
I just want to run out the door and just go running for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
I don't think that's a heart attack.
- [JEREMY GROANS.]
- CHAMP: Have a seat.
All right.
- Okay.
You're okay.
- [GROANING CONTINUES.]
Liz you're manager.
Jeremy bar.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, thank God.
- And checkmate.
- GERSON: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
So, what kind of fish do you get? Mm, off the jetty rockfish, amberjack, halibut.
Nice.
Very "Island of the Blue Dolphins.
" Yeah, when society collapses, I'll be able to feed myself.
Yes, you and your army of violent scavengers.
Society not going to collapse.
You still have to go to college.
[DOOR BELL DINGS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- [MUZAK PLAYS.]
- Hi.
I was just driving by, and I saw the old Dudley & Son sign, and, uh I don't know, something told me to stop by.
And then I saw you in here dressed like you're on your way to Monte Carlo.
[SCOFFS.]
No, no.
I'm, uh, just hanging out in Donuts.
Wanna have a cup of coffee? - Higher Steaks.
Hmm, hmm.
- It's new.
I used to work at Shamroxx, so this is a step up, sort of.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shamroxx? - Mm.
- Well, you look great.
Though your skin looks a little dry.
Are you drinking enough water? Uh, no.
Probably not.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yesterday was nuts.
- I know.
Thanks for helping out.
I w I was thinking about you and your brother.
Your dad was such a nice guy.
I read about what happened to him.
It it sounds like you've had a hell of a year.
Yeah, I guess so.
This may sound weird, but I'd love it if you guys could come over and and let me cook dinner for you.
Okay.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
- CLARA: Some lodges are nicer than others, but they all have their quirks.
I usually get to explore whatever city I'm in.
Do you have a favorite city? [RAIN FALLING.]
I'd say Turin.
Something happened while I was there.
Or I should say nothing happened.
It was autumn time, and I was walking on me own in Piazza San Carlo, and suddenly, there was something strange and menacing about the late afternoon light.
And I just stood there, paralyzed, like a statue staring at my own shadow for eternity.
But it was only a moment, and then it all went dark after that.
Checked myself into a psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks.
I've never told anyone this.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Well Turin sounds great.
[CHUCKLES.]
I saw doctors, but it was the lodge that got me back.
I read about Harwood Fritz Merrill.
He had similar episodes.
Also developed a seizure condition.
He devised his own alchemical remedies, like the Orbiscope.
See, I love Turin 'cause it's the first point on a new map, - my own map.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
And from there, I found my way to a different, better place.
[CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I started having seizures a few years ago.
What? Oh, Connie, darling.
The diagnosis, uh isn't, uh good.
I didn't run away from Long Beach because of my shit show of a personal life, though that's part of it.
[VOICE BREAKS.]
I was running away from You can say it.
I'm scared to die.
It's as stupid and simple as that.
I'm scared that my life will end without a chance to actually see it or understand it.
I see myself on a night in Chicago, like, 30 years ago.
It was after deadline, and the office had cleared out to the bar, but I stuck around that night.
I turned in a big feature and felt like celebrating alone, so I poured myself a little something and I went to the window.
It was snowing outside, and [VOICE BREAKING.]
and and now, from far away, I can see that young woman at the window, triumphant, in love with the night and the falling snow, and she's like this stranger I'll never meet.
But if I could If I could If I could open a door somewhere and find her I wouldn't be afraid anymore.
Aw, man, wow.
This now this, this is art.
- This is great.
- Mm.
Yeah.
I love the ponies.
I hit a trifecta last week at El Rayo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, nice! The sport of kings! The track is just one of my revenue streams.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Toast to Dudley & Son & Daughter.
May you vanquish all your enemies and ride again on the winds of commerce.
[LAUGHING.]
I don't know what the hell I'm saying! No, it's perfect.
Thank you.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
- Whoo! - Mm.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm.
I'm really impressed with your entrepreneurial spirit.
Getting out there, knocking on doors.
Yeah, yeah, well, you know, I gave it a shot, and, uh, now I'm just tryin' to take a break.
You know, tryin' to tryin' to figure out, uh, scalability or right? Is that whatever.
Um, yeah, it's tough with my leg, too, so There's nothing more important than health.
And the fastest way to heal is to stay fydrated.
Yeah.
You mean "hydrated.
" [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
No, I mean "fydrated.
" - Oh.
- And staying fydrated keeps your pores nice and healthy [WHISPERS.]
FYI.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Fydro combines the elemental power of fire and water.
It's a metaphysical fydration system fully optimized with minerals, auras, and antioxidants.
Try it.
- [INHALES SHARPLY.]
- [SIGHS.]
Tastes like water.
It transcends water.
It's the essence of fydration.
Well, thank you.
How'd you like to take some home with you? - Oh - Uh, sure.
Great! Do you want the store price or the insider Mega Deal? Way more value with the Mega Deal.
3 cases for 200 bucks.
I'll be right back.
DUD: Wait, I Oh, my God.
This whole thing was a sales pitch, Dud.
- It's a pyramid scheme.
- Wow, yeah, you know what? I think somethin's kinda off with this lady, and I can always tell, so I think we should probably just go.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Whew! Oh, hey, Lenore, uh, you know, somethin' just came up, and we gotta go.
Oh.
Okay.
I'll load these into your car.
No! No.
We we appreciate the offer for the Mega Deal.
Mm-hmm.
It's just it's not for us.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah.
I knew it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I save your life, I invite you into my home, and all you do is insult me! Okay, whoa! [CHUCKLES.]
You didn't save my life, all right? The guy wasn't trying to kill me.
I mean I mean, well, he did try to murder me later, - but that was - No, it's really out of line - using our dad to sell us this crap.
- Yeah.
Your dad? Your dad would be so ashamed of you two! - Yeah? - His h his son is an unemployed drug addict.
- A drug addict? - And his daughter Oh, he talked about you like you were gonna be the queen! But no! Instead, you're a waitress with bad skin, working at a titty bar! I do not have bad skin, you crazy bitch! [GASPS.]
Get - [LIZ SCREAMS.]
- out of my house! - DUD: Oh! - LIZ: Oh, my Oh! Get the hell out of my house! Get the hell out of my house! - Aah! - Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! She's crazy! - [PANTING.]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [GRUNTING.]
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Huh? Larry.
Um, so, I just wanna kinda make sure that everything was still on track, because, um, 'cause I've been getting a lot of calls from the hospital about my bill.
What? No one does that to my client.
N no one.
I will destroy them, if that's what you want.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I don't want that.
I just You said that you were gonna take care of all the paperwork and make sure all my bills were paid.
- That's that's it.
- Oh, yeah, Dud, don't worry about that.
No, I have, um, filed a motion on your behalf with the Superior Court.
And if they object, then I'll subpoena the judge, and we'll take it to the grand jury.
G great.
Awesome.
That sounds like a plan.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
- Wha the office is calling.
- Okay.
- So - Take your time.
- Okay.
Hello.
Hey, Dud, uh, do you think there's anything off with your lawyer? You mean my law provider? She asked me about the True Lodge.
What the hell do I know about the True Lodge? Maybe she's just being thorough.
She asked me to tell her the name of the Sovereign Protector of Lodge 1.
What does that matter to her? Who is the Sovereign Protector of Lodge 1? I don't know.
It's only known by certain people on certain floors.
My point is, none of that has anything to do with your shark attack.
Uh [DOOR CLOSES.]
Well, sorry I'm late for my torture session.
I got lost again on the way down here.
I swear, some of the corridors upstairs make no sense.
[SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
That's by design.
One of Merrill's techniques.
- He thought it was good to feel lost.
- [SCOFFS.]
[COUGHING.]
Hmm.
a chance to read his monograph on architectural disorientation? Clara? Are you in here? [WHIRRING, LOW BUZZING.]
[SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
No, just me.
- [GASPS.]
- No, don't! What the hell? Suppose, Connie, it's time to bring you into the True Lodge.
You were speedy in name, but not in fact the cheapest of ironies.
Trees are just hairs on the scalp of the Earth, and we are lice crawling through them.
You were the slowest louse, which was fast enough to make you a man.
Godspeed, Speedy.
That was, uh really nice, Bob.
I don't know if it scans, but I I wanted to lean into the emotion.
Speedy, I'm sorry.
I said he was gonna die in that chair, and he did.
I said the same thing to Ernie.
I take it back.
It's not your fault, Jeff.
You can't cause it by saying it.
Nobody has that kinda power.
You just foresaw the inevitable.
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
Hey! - Please stop toying with me.
- What? Avery thought it would be so easy, just feed you a story and and then keep finessing things until I got all the information I wanted.
But you I mean, you had me figured out from the beginning, didn't you? Uh, wait.
Sorry.
You know Avery? Okay, just You're trying to complete the Magnum Opus? N no, no, no.
The Magnum Opus is a fairy tale.
There is no magical formula to create gold.
But the scrolls are still valuable.
[SIGHS.]
Let me okay, let me ask you this.
What do you know about Bitcoin? Or or cryptocurrency in general? Nothing.
Okay, so it's basically a made-up currency.
Mm-hmm, right, but isn't all currency made up? I mean, like, if people believe lemons are money, - then lemons are money.
- Exactly.
Right? - So, okay, I don't want to get too in the weeds on this - Mm.
but Bitcoin, it's it's it's like modern alchemy, right? You solve a riddle, and you create gold.
So Avery and I work for these people who believe that the original algorithm for Bitcoin is based on the scrolls of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
And, I mean, the True Lodge set it all in motion, but we never knew how or when or where until I saw the news report about the mummy, and I caught a glimpse of this, which, you know, we know to be an emblem of the True Lodge.
So I contacted Avery.
He showed up here and he pieced it all together.
Where is Avery? Antarctica, but that's not important now.
Look, this all goes back to Wallace Smith and Jackie Loomis.
They brought the scrolls here to Long Beach, right? They they somehow got in touch with the engineers at Orbis and the Parabola Group - [LAUGHING.]
- and and the rest is kind of hazy, but what's important is that whoever has the scrolls can unlock Bitcoin and make millions.
Wow.
Wow! So it is a formula for making gold.
That's what it is.
It's a formula for ma Not magic gold.
I get that.
But, uh Wait.
So what about Smith's diary? Oh, um oh, yeah.
You can you can give this back to Blaise.
- Oh.
- That is, um - Ooh.
- That was a dead end.
But what we need to know now is where to go in Mexico.
Dud, if you can help us, we will make you very rich.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
I mean [CHUCKLES.]
I was really counting on that shark money, you know what I mean? [CHUCKLES.]
And ya kind of screwed me on on that.
I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
That was a scam.
But this no, this [CHUCKLES.]
This is legit.
I mean, the kind of money that I am talking about, I mean, it could [WHISPERS.]
it could solve a lot of problems.
Yeah.
MAN: Keep your water crystal Clear with the help of Dudley Pools.
Worried about keepin' your pool in summertime shape? Look no further.
Visit our store and stock up on everything you need to keep [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[BELLS CHIMING.]
SCOTT: Tonight, we read from the Book of the Dead, where we honor those Lynx who have departed our lodge and now dwell among the stars.
I'll, uh, read the first 300 names, and then we'll take turns.
I would like to start with my father, Mitch Miller, who attained the rank of Solemn Knight and who helped lead the lodge to 10 muni-league softball titles.
- MAN #1: Yeah.
- MAN #2: Yeah.
Go forth in light, Mitch Miller.
ALL: Go forth in light.
Moving on Abigail Walters, who attained the rank of Luminous Knight.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
Did ya come to apologize? No.
What is wrong with you? You should be apologizing.
I have a temper.
I didn't want the night to go that way, I swear.
That's not an apology.
I don't do apologies.
I don't care.
I just wanna know what else my dad said about me.
He said a lot of things.
How well did you know him? [SIGHS.]
We were friends for a long time, and then, obviously, we became lovers.
God, you're clueless.
[SIGHS.]
Come in.
You look defydrated.
[SIGHS.]
[DUD GRUNTS.]
[COUGHS.]
[CLEARING THROAT.]
- [MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
- DUD: Uh [SIGHS.]
Um uh - Right there.
- Yep.
Yeah, yep.
Uh, Eddie Oh, I I I I can't.
I can't I can't take it anymore.
I know that this is a beautiful tradition, - but right now, this is not helping anything, okay? - [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
We're all feelin' down for different reasons.
Okay, and I don't wanna point anyone out.
I don't wanna single somebody out.
But maybe I don't know, maybe it's because we're sad because we got laid off at our job at Orbis.
Or maybe because, you know, we got evicted and we had to move into the back of our pot shop.
Or maybe it's because we have a an insane $3,000 bar tab, you know? Or maybe it's because our Caddy's in the shop, you know, and our our girlfriend left the country.
Or maybe because our wife had an affair, - and she left the country - Dud, really not the time.
Which brings us to the lodge.
We kept the doors open, but hasn't been the same.
Nothin's been the same since Larry died, and we're all still dealin' with that.
WOMAN: Mm-hmm.
I know I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Dud, everything you're sayin' here is 100% true, but there's nothin' we can do about it.
" WOMAN: Mnh-mnh.
Well, you're wrong, because there is.
Now, listen.
You're just gonna have to take my word on this, but, basically, I am a major player in a vast international conspiracy.
It involves Bitcoin and the scrolls.
- WOMAN: What? - Now yeah, and and, okay.
And the scrolls are somewhere in Mexico.
Don't know where, but we gotta go get 'em, okay, - because they're worth millions.
- [SIGHS.]
And the great thing is, is that we can all share it.
[MURMURING.]
We need to do this for the lodge.
It's our destiny! And I know that because Larry told me, and and and not to freak anyone out here, but this place is haunted.
It's haunted, and and and I know that because, the other night, Larry and Larry's ghost came to me in the bar and he told me.
He said, "Dud, gotta go down to Mexico, and you gotta get the holy grail," okay? Larry's ghost wants us to go to Mexico.
So who's in? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Okay.
- MAN: Holy shit! - DUD: Whoa! WOMAN: Oh, hey! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Um [DOOR CLOSES.]
Larry wasn't actually in there pounding beers.
[MOUTH FULL.]
It was a ghost! Blaise, tell him.
I might've suggested the possibility of a visitation, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Larry manifested in the material plane.
It's you know, it's kind of a gray area.
- [THUD IN DISTANCE.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
What was that? It's Scott.
He's in the Sanctum.
[GRUNTING, CLATTERING.]
SCOTT: What's going on? [DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
Who the hell are you?! ERNIE: It's El Confidente.
I came up through the tunnel in the trailer.
BIG BEN: Wait, we've got a tunnel? You owe me a drink, Ernesto.
You must be Dud.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I've been dreamin' about you.
[LAUGHS.]
- Let's get a drink.
- Okay! - Man, come on! [LAUGHS.]