Lunch Monkeys (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

Hiya, so did you have a good night? Yeah, I did thanks.
Had a bath and then played Call of Duty till about 10.
30.
Good eight hours sleep wee in the middle.
Text book.
Brilliant.
Hiya.
Bloody chav wagon.
It's the best day of the month! Flower Girl day! I wonder what she'll bring today? Maybe flowers? Maybe.
Ah, she's so beautiful.
So mysterious Just because you don't talk to her doesn't make her mysterious.
That would pretty much make all girls mysterious.
Yeah? I think I need to work on my tactics.
Darrel's silent watching thing isn't working.
There's a surprise(!) Oh, I done a song.
Do you want to hear it? I'm all right.
♪ Flower Girl ♪ Flower Girl Flower Girl ♪ Flower Girl ♪ Flower Girl! ♪ Asif, will you please shut up about your stupid Flower Girl! Flower Girl's not stupid, you are! Shelley what you doing down there.
Please tell me you've not done another all-nighter? Can I not just get some peace round here? Looks like we'll all covering for Shelley again.
Just give me five minutes.
Try upstairs.
I always find the reading room's good for a kip.
Yeah, those books send me right off.
I don't even have to read them.
Busy, Asif? Er, as a bee.
Around a flower.
Gathering pollen, to make honey.
Shelley! What? What the hell are you doing? Oh, erm I was just seeing if the clients were happy.
Everyone all right for a brew, yeah? Could I have a cappuccino? What? Gloria, do we do cappuccinos? Get over here now! You all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
Just Mike, he's on one again isn't he.
Do this, do that, I'm not his bloody slave, am I? God you've no idea what I've got to do.
Oi, Shelley.
and you two, stop bloody skiving in here.
Shelley! I've been worried sick! You didn't come home last night.
I've been all over looking for you.
I went to your mum's.
She kept chucking stuff at me.
I think she was pissed.
ASIF LAUGHS It's not funny.
I've got bruises.
I went to your dad's but visiting hours hadn't started yet.
Where the hell have you been? I was at a party.
I'm going to call the police.
That's not a crime.
To tell them she's not dead.
How much money is that? Hiya.
Hiya.
How about you and Kenny, then? Wouldn't have put you two together.
Done well for yourself, haven't you? Yeah.
It's nice to have a man to go home to every night.
Oh, living together already? Oh, I forgot, you like to move fast don't you? We're not actually living together.
We just see each other all the time.
Apart from last night, I didn't see him last night.
Oh! Back out with the lads, is he? Slippery slope.
Once the rat's had his cheese, it's back up the drainpipe.
Well, you know what it's like when you first get together.
Yeah, constant banging.
Yeah.
Oh, dear.
Do I detect a note of disharmony? No.
Is all not well in the world of Tania's bedroom? It's fine.
Fine? Yeah, it's really nice.
Nice? Oh, Tania, love.
Who wants nice sex? In the dirty dictionary nice means shit.
Come on, tell your Auntie Gloria all about it.
Quick off the Mark is he? Can't get it up? Its It's fine.
There isn't a problem Gloria.
Tell me Tania, your butty's in the post room.
You coming? What are you two talking about? Cheese.
Cheese? Yeah, yeah I was just saying that I really like soft cheese.
I prefer it hard.
Are you coming? Yeah.
I am absolutely ravishing.
No, you're not.
You're ravenous or your famishing.
Ravishing means you're beautiful.
That's what I meant.
I'm hungry too though.
I'm glad the food's here.
I've had nothing to eat thanks to Shelley.
Apart from a kebab about five.
Ah, I bet Flower Girl likes kebabs.
She looks like she would.
Ask her.
Don't be mad, I can't do that.
I'd have to talk to her.
Wow, look at this! HE LAUGHS Hello! Guess who I am? Shaken not stirred.
Bond.
No, I'm a barman.
This is cool, innit.
I think God must have sent it to help with Flower Girl.
That is the only possible explanation.
So where's the food? I left it here.
Oh, man.
That was good scran.
There was five egg barms in there! I don't feel so good.
There's one left! I'm having it.
I've not eaten.
I should have it, I'm the youngest.
Let's just be sensible and cut it into four.
Supervisor! Tania! Post.
Oh, you surprised me there, Hippy.
You CAME rather quickly.
Did I? Sorry.
Look, I've heard about your issues.
It's a nasty business and it happens to us to a lot of people.
The best thing you can do is think about cricket, or some other tedious sport.
What you talking about? You've got to take it slowly.
You've got to play yourself in, straight bat.
Yeah, no good, hammering for sixes straight away from the off.
No.
I don't like cricket.
No, the best thing to do is take your mind off somewhere else.
But not other women, no, no, then the cork's out of the bottle.
No, you've got to think about something boring.
You're job, filing.
Yes, excellent.
That will keep the porridge in the gun.
Are you talking about sex? Yes.
The only other thing I can suggest is a cock ring.
Oh.
Really does the job.
I've got one you can borrow if you like.
It needs a bit of a wash.
I'm all right for a cock ring.
I feel for you though, Hippy.
It must be hard following a real man.
It's a good job I'm following you then, innit? Prick.
You all right, Kenny love? Yeah, yeah, sound.
You? Yeah.
Woah! Have you heard any rumours? Dinosaurs.
They didn't die.
They evolved into humans.
I think I might be a T-Rex.
About me.
Oh, don't think so.
Sure? Yeah.
Great.
Oh, there is the sex one? Yeah, I heard that.
That you can't keep it up.
Don't worry though, it happens to loads of blokes.
That's what the lawyers were saying in the kitchen anyway.
Laters! Asif, a word please.
Trampoline.
Why are you peering into my office, dressed like a prat? Er security, Mike.
Just in case she nicks stuff.
And what do you anticipate she will steal? Leaves? She is cutting a lot off.
Truth is, Mike, I really like her and I don't know what to do.
Maybe your job? Hmm, I'm not sure that'd impress her.
Maybe shredding.
I was thinking, though, what about you, Mike? You're a cool guy, what do you do to make girls like you? Actually, it's very simple, Asif.
Women respond to good old fashioned chivalry.
Hold open the door, tell her her hair looks nice, write her a poem.
Cheers, Mike.
Mike, your hair looks nice today.
Thank you.
Can I have a fag break? No.
Who'd have thought it, eh? You, of all people, sexually dysfunctional.
I'm not! It all works fine.
I never come prematurely.
Masturbation doesn't count, Darrel.
Yes, it does.
These rumours are doing my head in.
What you need, my friend, is a spy.
Oh, that's exactly what I need.
Where's the Yellow Pages? It's rumour.
Counter rumour.
Smoke and mirrors.
Who knows the truth? It's all about intelligence.
You'll be no help there then.
Au contraire, my impotent young friend.
I'm exactly what you need.
I have studied the spy in depth.
I've read books, I've watched films, I'm really good at sneaking about.
Darrel, you're getting excited.
I'll kill these rumours for you, Kenny Graham, and I will kill them dead or my name is not Jason Bourne.
Darrel, I don't want you to do anything.
You'll only make things worse.
I understand, chief.
Thanks.
Consider it done.
By the time I'm finished, people will think you're the greatest lover since Casablanca.
It's Casanova.
Him as well.
Shelley SHE CROAKS .
.
get off me leg.
You see what you like.
You like what you see.
Is that a riddle? No.
Each man is free to pick his own fruit.
Hmmm, glorious.
Go on, tuck in.
Fill your boots.
Looks extraordinarily juicy.
I'm a bit scared.
What's the worst that could happen? I could be rejected.
Then I would feel ashamed.
It's a harsh life lesson, little man.
You wait too long and some very slightly older very good looking man waltzes in and nicks that fruit.
No, wait! Shh! Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Watch and learn young pup.
Watch and learn.
Hi.
Yes, very nice .
.
when it's hard.
HE GASPS How was it? She's a lesbian.
All right, Shelley love? God, Shelley, you stink.
Cheers.
Erm, have you got anyermparacetamol? Yeah.
Can I have some? I'm sorry.
Not allowed to give them out any more.
Come on, you're the first aider.
I need first aid.
Just first aid me! I'm sorry, Shelley love.
You know what it's like.
I'd love to help.
Regulations, staff handbook.
I mean, what would happen if you were allergic and then you died? You could sue us and we don't want that do we? What are you doing? Get off my desk! If you touch that first aid box Put that box back! Don't you take those tablets! Shelley Benson got off my desk! I have never seen anything so outrageous .
.
Oh! Until that.
I'm so sorry, Gloria, it's just the booze.
No, don't say it was the booze, say it was a bad pasty.
You can't vomit at work, you'll get sacked.
You're on a final warning.
I'm thinking of packing it in, you know.
I've had enough of this place.
Don't worry about it, Shelley love, we've all been there.
I remember last Friday, sick as a dog I was.
Never have three bottles of wine with a pasty.
He's just incredibly tender then firm.
Eh, and it's nice to have both.
She knows.
Darrel, What are you doing? I'm just trying to help.
You can help me by not interfering.
You are so ungrateful.
Get in there.
Don't you tell me where to go.
I'm always starving when I'm hung over.
Hangover? Defences down? Back off, Charlie.
Only joking.
What you need is Charlie's fail-safe hangover cure.
Oh, man, give it to me.
I am dying here.
You never know when you're going to end up on a bender.
What the hell is that? Three parts whisky, one part vodka.
Hair of the dog, yeah.
Now look, I've got you this.
It's milk thistle and cactus smoothie.
I'm not drinking that, it looks worse than what's been coming up.
The man in the herbal chemist said it was a guaranteed hangover cure, so come on.
Get you back to work in no time! I don't want to go back to work! I just want to lie down! You can use my room.
Oh! Come any closer and I'll be sick on your shoes.
Come on.
Mmm, milk thistle.
You can stick your thistle up your arse, Tania! HE CHUCKLES Shelley, no Shelley! Give it to me! Give that to me! There's another load of emails about me.
All in a day's counter-intelligence.
What did you tell them? That Kenny Graham is great in the sack.
Top idea that, Darrel.
What a brilliant piece of espionage(!) Now as a consequence, everybody thinks I'm gay.
How funny's that? I don't know why you're laughing.
You're gay as well.
What? Why would they think I'm gay? I'm butch.
Well, apparently I'm bi.
You're just normal gay.
I'll shag anything that moves.
Oh, as long as I can keep it up.
Brilliant(!) What would a gay Jason Bourne do? So, what's going on with you and Darrel? And I thought I could trust you.
I'm not shagging Darrel.
What? I'm not shagging Darrel.
Come here! I think I preferred it when you were just impotent.
Why are people saying I'm crap in bed? I don't know.
You're not crap.
I'm not, am I? No, you're fine.
Fine? What do you mean fine? Fine's not helping me.
I think it's better than fine.
It is, it's good.
It's amazing.
Yeah it is.
Best ever.
It is but I think it could be even better.
Do you mean like erm dressing up and stuff? No, I mean more more loving.
Loving? What do you mean? It IS loving.
Sometimes, it is nice to to take your time and Take your time? What you on about? She means you come too quickly, Kenny! Bloody hell! Shelley, it's ridiculous.
You've nicked our food, you're sleeping on the job.
And now you're listening in on private conversations! Well, maybe next time go somewhere private.
We sort of assumed there wouldn't be anyone kipping in the meeting room.
Well, if you assume, then you make an Oh, something about donkeys.
Tania.
Why haven't you sorted out the limo? Limo? What limo? Why do you want a limo? Oh, yeah, there's a limo in Mike's car park space and you need to get it shifted.
Mike's tearing his hair out, literally.
I says to him, "Mike, you are lucky to have a car parking space," and he says, "Gloria, I'm a bit busy at the moment will you just sort out the limo?" So I says to him "Mike, I have been here 15 years!" Then he says to me Shut up, Gloria.
Yeah, he did actually.
The thing about that man is he doesn't realize how lucky he is to have someone like me That's it.
I refuse to work in there any longer.
Those conditions are unacceptable.
I'm not an animal, Gloria.
What is that smell, Darrel? It's sickand it's not mine.
Cool picture.
Is that a spider? In a way, yes.
It's a web of intrigue.
And the one thing that's missing, is the spider who spun it.
So, it's not a spider then.
What's wrong with you? It's not really happening with Flower Girl.
I thought we were making progress.
Show me your staring.
There, that's where you're going wrong.
It's more like this I don't know.
It's tried and tested.
By who? Me.
And how many girls have you got off with? Irrelevant details.
Mike suggested a poem.
Oh, Mike.
Poems are for girls! That's why I thought it'd kind of work with Flower Girl.
I've been working on one but I'm stuck.
Can't think of anything to rhyme with werewolf.
Oh, sorry.
Am not interrupting anything, am I? Nothing going on, is there? Oh, Darrel, who'd have thought it? What? Have you just decided to go gay now, cos it's trendy? I did not know you were gay.
What's it like in here? A cesspit of sex.
You lot just can't keep it in your pants, can you? Like Tania this morning, telling me all about her sexual problems.
Like I'd want to know.
Like I'd be interested in Kenny's performance? Or lack thereof.
Couldn't shut her up.
"Too much information, Tania love.
" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yes.
Gloria wears way too much make-up.
And it doesn't really go with her clothes.
We should do what famous people do.
Oooo, a sex tape? No, a statement.
Oh, yeah(!) That's a good idea.
We'll get everyone, the whole office, in reception and we'll stand at the front.
You can read it out, I'll stand next to you for moral support and we'll just say you're good at sex and your dobber's fine.
Brilliant.
Oi, Darrel, what you doing? You'll never guess what? You're going out with Asif? Stop it! No.
I, Darrel Wadsworth, have found a spider.
Right, do you want a badge? I didn't know we were looking for one, but well done.
No, I mean I know who started the rumours.
I think you'll find that makes for a rather interesting read.
What a tool! Every month you come to my work Behind your plants I often lurk I promise you I am not stalking I'm just a little bit scared of talking I'm not weird, dangerous or a werewolf.
It is just because of the sheer gulf In my love for you And my ability to communicate my feelings Ooh.
Gloria, can a have a word? Are you all right, Kenny love? How are you bearing up? I've been better.
Why, what's the matter? You know what's the matter.
No, I've no idea.
Is Tania pregnant again? I'm gay and I'm crap in bed So I've heard.
Aw, bless.
It's not true.
Tell her! It's just silly rumours.
And they've got to stop.
Oh, Kenny love, how can I stop a rumour? What am I going to do, go out into reception and make an announcement? You know what people are like.
They just believe what they want to believe.
They just want to know more and more and more, don't they? I mean, what else is there to tell? You know what they're like.
Digging away like little vultures.
Come on, let's go.
I should've known this would never work.
Gloria, the truth is Kenny is hung like a bleeding shire horse and I just needed a night out of the saddle.
Is that right? Massive knob! Hmm, Mrs Mop, you've missed a bit just there.
Shelley! What have you done this time? The sink was like that before I got there.
Well, Mike wants to see you in his office, now.
Oh, OK.
Shelley's one of the most responsible girls that I've That's her.
That's the one who kidnapped my fiance! Oh, brilliant(!) The police are here! The police are in the building! The police are in the building! Hang on, I don't understand what you're saying, there's police in the building? Yeah! I think I prefer this rumour.
This is very serious, Shelley.
It's a missing person.
I have never had the police on my premises before.
There was that time I did the bomb hoax thing? Oh, yes.
Honestly, Mike, I have no idea what's going on.
I've done nothing wrong Oh! Limo.
They've got Shelley.
The police have got Shelley.
They're putting her in a police car.
That is a massive police car.
we should just calm down.
She's probably not done anything.
We don't want any stupid rumours flying around that Shelley's murdered someone.
Shelley's murdered someone?! Murder, I bet it is.
I bet she's done someone in.
And I lived with her.
And she was such a quiet girl So if we dust this car for prints, you're confident we won't find any of yours? I didn't say that, did I? I might have a vague memory of a limoand a bit of champagne.
And four witnesses who all clearly recall seeing the car drive off with a young, attractive dark-haired girl Attractive? That could be anyone.
.
.
with a badger tattoo.
That's not a badger.
That's a dog, a stripy dog.
Has anyone got the keys to this thing? Not me.
You'll find them on Joe's body.
They are trying to open the doors.
It's locked.
They are looking for the keys.
Everybody's standing everybody's breathing Oh, God, a body.
Ok, not looking so good.
Joe! What has she done to you? Joseph Johnson.
.
? At least it's not a corpse.
I've told you Mike, I haven't done anything.
.
.
is this the woman who kidnapped you? She didn't kidnap me.
I think this is yours.
I think we're done here.
I'd get this vehicle out of here if I was you.
Not here! Shelley are you all right? Are you upset because you're going to prison? I'm not going to prison.
Idiot.
She'll have to have a trial first.
Shelley? What's this? I thought you were OK.
I don't understand.
I've resigned.
This lot have been on my back all day.
What?! I know when I'm not wanted.
Shelley, don't be daft.
Oh, so I'm daft now as well, am I? No I am though.
Yeah.
See? See Asif's daft.
Kenny's.
.
Kenny's crap in bed.
Darrel's a pain in the arse, and I'm a bossy cow See we all say stuff about each other, but words don't really matter, we're still mates.
I think we're entitled to a little bit of a moan.
Maybe.
Come on.
Choo! Choo! Chugga chugga chugga Darrel, move your hand.
Oh, sorry! "I can't stand this bunch of losers any more.
I hate them all.
"I hope they are in a car crash and get really badly burnt and mangled.
" Is that how you spell tossers? Ha-ha! Hm Words don't matter though, yeah? My mates.
Ah, please stay.
Sorry.
I'm so hung over! Oh, piss off!