Mad About You s02e03 Episode Script

I was born when she kissed me.
I died when she left me.
I lived a few weeks while she loved me.
Damn it! Oh, come on.
Tell me he doesn't infuriate you sometimes.
Don't play dumb.
You know how annoying he can be.
Hello? Hi, Sylvia.
No, I don't know where your son is.
Still out shooting his film, I guess.
Yeah, I even made breakfast for him.
Well, you don't have to believe me.
Okay.
Anything I should tell him? Okay, bye-bye.
Move to Florida! - Honey? - Hi.
- Still home, huh? - How was the police car? You wouldn't believe the stuff we got.
Two chase scenes, a shooting.
They let me work the siren and say "10-4.
" - Sounds dangerous.
- It was.
What is this? Did you do this for me? - Want coffee? - No.
I was gonna go to sleep.
- Decaf? - Okay.
- It might be a little old.
- When did you make it? Two hours ago, when you said you'd be home.
Alrighty.
- Sweetie.
- A phone call would've been nice.
It was the middle of the night.
Should I call and wake you to say I won't be home until you're already up? Yes.
There's no way I could know that.
Also, your mother called.
- What did she want? - The usual.
She pleasantly diced me like a scallion and told me to tell you she called.
You don't like it? It's good.
No, it's good.
It's great.
If you don't like it, you don't like it.
Sweetie, you know, this we could use again.
I spent an hour and a half making you an omelet.
- An hour and a half? - The first three wouldn't fold.
We finished early, so I went for breakfast with the guys.
Fantastic.
- What? - Nothing.
I just have to get to work.
I don't think I should be penalized for missing breakfast.
In all fairness, you and omelets, that's not a pattern we've established.
Don't worry.
It will never happen again.
Come on, sweetie.
Don't go away mad.
Are you confronting me with an omelet? - What? - Hi.
- Eggs? - Sure.
Thanks.
- We gotta go.
I'm double-parked.
- So what? - You didn't get my message? - What message? - I must have been in the shower.
- Jeez.
He's okay now.
Your dad and I were working at the store this morning and he collapsed.
- Oh, my God.
- What happened? It's fine.
They got him at the hospital.
Your ma says he'll be okay.
Don't trust my mom, according to her, Grandma's still taking a nap.
Where's my? You know, I don't have Your sister's there.
Your ma's on her way.
That should keep everybody calm.
What did I say? What does that mean, I don't have family hair? There's nothing wrong with her hair! - She's so sensitive.
- I say 120 over 80 for a buck.
Why make a comment like that? Fine.
You have family hair.
You happy? Know what I don't see much around these parts? A doctor.
One's bound to show up sooner or later.
- Some way to run a hospital.
- Thank you.
We try.
- That's all you can say to me? - Without losing my job.
Pauly, what are you doing here? - Forget me.
What are you doing here? - Waiting to go home.
- What happened to you? - I'm fine.
- Where did you kids park? - On 1 st Avenue.
We got a really nice parking space, Uncle Burt.
You collapsed? - I tripped.
- You didn't trip.
- You could've parked right in front.
- Stop with the parking.
Maybe your wife wants to sit down.
- Wanna sit? - It's okay.
I say black, she says white.
- You should get back to the store.
- Marvin's there.
Call those idiots in Pennsylvania! They sent us 40 pairs of golf shoes with no spikes! I got it covered, I sent them a check with no signature.
You take care of him.
So, what did you do? He tried to move a pool table by himself.
Idiot.
- It was fiberglass.
- Shame on you.
If he had more help, he wouldn't be lifting things by himself.
That's right.
This is all the result of a wrong career choice on my part.
What did I say? I said a fact.
It has nothing to do with you.
- He's so sensitive.
- What, are you starting with him? She polished me off.
It's his turn.
You're next.
- Don't be so disrespectful.
- Then stop torturing everyone.
- You happy now? - What? That you dropped out of graduate school to get married? Wow.
Right, Mom.
Like, people with M.
B.
A.
S never get divorced? They get divorced but have something to fall back on.
Can you inject me with something lethal? - Jamie, beautiful, get me a match.
- Give me that, please! - What are you doing? - No more of these.
- Why not? - Because I said so.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
I got it from you.
- What's wrong with a cigar? - Let's do this a lot.
Where did we go wrong? - How long you been here? - Long.
- Is he gonna be okay? - He's stable.
Nobody in our family is stable.
- I think this is serious.
- Mild heart attack.
It wasn't serious.
- So it's mild? - I'm saying.
- Okay, how you doing, Ma? - I'm doing fine.
- How's Murray? - How's Murray? The dog is good.
He would've been here.
He's running errands today.
- And Jamie? - My wife? Why don't you ask her? - She talks to her regularly.
- I'm fine.
- Meanwhile, why didn't you call? - Didn't she give you the message? - You said you called.
- You never mentioned he was ill.
- I'm not ill! - I wish you'd said something.
- Said something about what? - What if it was serious? - You're not a doctor.
- Look how she's still on that.
The point is, you should have left a message.
We're six blocks away.
Why bother you? She knew I could hop on the El-IE and be here in three hours.
- Did anybody call our sister? - I'll call her.
- She's in Barbados.
Why aggravate her? - Because she could be part of this fun.
Harold, say hello to my son and daughter-in-law.
- How you doing? - Great.
Time for that appendectomy.
- That's wrong.
- I'm kidding.
I'm gonna take him down for some tests.
- Ma, call you later.
- Drive safe.
I'm tired of going to funerals.
You know she's not a great driver.
Why would you say that? Did I tell you that Norman and Elaine got rear-ended.
She got glass in her eye.
- This is why we turned out this way.
- This is what I'm saying.
- This is what I'm saying.
- We're all saying the same thing.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, sweetheart.
Come on, Pop.
I wanna make sure you get a good parking space.
I wanna stop by the gift shop and get a Snickers.
Be careful with him.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I think he's fine.
- No.
I mean you.
- I'm good.
Go to work.
- I feel bad.
- Don't.
You came.
He saw you.
You made him smile.
Go.
- Can I drop you off? - What for? I'm the other way.
Okay.
Should I offer to have dinner with her tonight? - Really? - Well, it's hard having dinner alone.
Go for it.
Just by asking, you build up points.
Sylvia, why don't we come by later and take you to dinner? Don't be silly.
I'll have a little something, and then I'll go to bed.
- See? You still get the points.
- Watch this.
Maybe we should come and stay the night with you, so you're not alone.
Actually, that would be nice.
Shoot.
How can riding around in a cop car be safe? If there's any problem, the cops are right there.
- Are you worried? - No, I'm not.
I just worry about you.
- I thought you went to bed.
- Lf I can't sleep, I may as well be up.
- That's yesterday's.
- I know but yesterday was a good day, so I thought I'd relive it.
Very funny.
Meanwhile, your father's in the hospital.
- Did you talk to Lisa? - She said she'd walk Murray.
- Oh, that Lisa, she's so sweet.
- Yeah, I guess she is.
You two are so different.
- You kids hungry? - Let me do that.
- No.
Sit.
- I can do it.
You guys talk.
I will make us something.
- What's she gonna make? - Sandwiches.
I make great sandwiches.
She makes big, beautiful sandwiches.
She gets the meat right between the bread every time.
Ordering in isn't the same as cooking.
It's ordering in.
And cooking isn't the same as ordering in.
So cooking, I'm guessing, would be cooking.
- I don't like when you're fresh.
- I'm not being fresh.
- I'm just saying.
- Here we go.
- This is a sandwich? - You know what, babe? I'll take over.
I know exactly how Mom likes it.
I think I can handle it.
- It's good, isn't it? - You all right? - It went down the wrong way? - I'm okay.
- How are you doing? - I'm doing fine.
Really? You asked a simple question, I gave a simple answer.
- This must be hard for you.
- What's that, honey? You must be nervous.
Nervous about what? Lately, with Paul not home at night, it's hard for me to get to sleep.
How long have you had that mattress? - Ask Herb to get you a mattress.
- I'm not calling Herb.
Her friend's brother Herb sells mattresses door to door.
No car.
He just drags them.
You get used to sleeping in the same bed with someone.
It's hard when all of a sudden they're not there.
Don't you think? You have such beautiful hair.
It's okay to be scared.
If Paul was in the hospital, I'd be scared.
- Why should Paul be in the hospital? - No, but it's possible.
Paul, when was the last time you saw a doctor? Recently.
He said the only thing that will kill me is this conversation.
Look.
You have a husband.
I have a husband.
We're women.
We're a family.
You can talk to me about how you feel.
I want you to.
Paul, you know who I ran into? Gloria Black.
- Gloria Black? - You remember Larry Black? Sure.
The kid was shaving in the sixth grade.
He had to have a testicle removed, but supposedly, he's very successful.
Well, good night, you two.
Good night.
- She's going to bed? - Yeah.
She's tired.
- I don't think she's crazy about me.
- Ma, you don't make it so easy.
I'm lovely to her.
Your father's crazy about her.
- Here.
- No.
I'm not hungry.
- Turkey.
- I don't want it.
- What, throw it away? - Put it in the fridge.
- You didn't have any dinner.
- I don't want I really Fine.
You look heavy.
- What do you think? - I like it.
You know what's great about Canoe? Years later, you can still smell it.
- You look very cute sitting there.
- I do? Where were you when I was in high school? In junior high school.
That's what I needed, a beautiful, sexy woman in my bed.
- What about Abbey? - Who's Abbey? "Miss your face, miss your bod camp's over in a week, thank God.
" - Where did you get that? - It fell out of an Iron Butterfly album.
I don't like this girl.
I actually took Abbey to see Iron Butterfly at a music fair.
- Who drove? Your mom? - Actually, yes.
- You are just so boss.
- Why don't you shut up? God, she's a genius.
I'm turning off the kitchen lights.
If you want something, turn it on.
You were asking how it works.
It goes up and down.
Good.
Don't encourage him.
Don't listen to her.
Encourage me.
- I'm getting very encouraged.
- I can feel.
- What about your mother? - What about her? Suppose she comes in again.
What if she turns off another light? Who's she gonna share the news with? In 17 years in this room, I never got past this point.
I'm begging you.
There's not even a lock on the door.
All right.
Come here, you big baby.
Grab this end here.
All right.
I didn't really think this through.
Back up.
We now have a totally mom-proof room.
- Move over.
- Where? We're crammed in here like mackerels.
Sardines.
You can't cram a mackerel.
- This is no good.
- This is no good at all.
Grab the mattress.
See, you married a very smart man.
- What is this? - I don't know.
- Ms.
September.
- September '75.
That's right.
There was a great interview with Kissinger.
You told me you never dated blonds before me.
I didn't date her.
I just used her for sex.
Actually, she's not a blond.
Come on, give me that.
- I'm telling your mother.
- Yeah, right.
Just a second! Come here.
Hold on! What did you do, hit traffic? Who is it? Don't be a comedian.
- What are you doing? - We're voting! Come in.
My God, can't you skip a night? - What, Ma? - There's towels in the closet and extra toilet paper under the sink.
- That's good to know.
This is just not a good room for me.
The Mets have blown a five-run lead.
- They do this to me on purpose! - No more Mets.
Lisa? - It's Lisa.
- What are you doing here? - I came to visit Burt.
- That is really nice.
See what she brought me.
- What is it? - Tongue.
- Burt likes tongue.
- Oh, you're so thoughtful.
- You're not eating tongue.
- I am eating it! - Ma.
- Don't "Ma" me.
I don't interfere in your marriage.
- I'd better be going.
- Where? Wherever.
So that's a 2-5 daily double and a 6-4 exacta box? She's getting good.
- What was that about? - Nothing.
- Look what Debbie sent me.
- How did Debbie find out? - Who called your sister? - I didn't.
- Sharon must have called.
- Hi.
- What? - Why did you call your sister? - She should wait for my funeral? - You're not dying.
- Don't tell me what to do.
- Look.
- Wanna miss your grandkid's wedding? - She's 4.
- She doing that to him? - Take him off the list.
- Are you still coming? - Watch this.
I just saw Gloria Black walking down the hall.
Right down the hall.
- Where'd you park? - Right down front.
No meter.
- That's my girl.
- You see? Where did you see Gloria Black? - I thought I saw her.
My mistake.
- Just who I want to see.
- We like her.
- We never discussed this.
- Go ahead.
Try.
- Paul, you look thirsty.
I'll get him something.
- Sharon, come here.
- What? Watch this.
Wait.
Just watch.
I talked to an oncologist.
You have to give up bacon.
- When do I eat it? - When I'm not looking.
- Says who? - Oh, my God.
She's gonna kill him and come live with me.
- So, what's the good news? - You had a mild episode of angina.
Some medication, you'll be fine.
- Are you a doctor? - No, it's more important to make movies.
I saw that one coming, but I couldn't do anything.
- Can we see a doctor today? - He's down the hall.
- Is somebody watching the kids? - No.
I dropped them off in Harlem.
You're becoming a bitter divorcée.
Maybe Jamie knows someone for you.
You must meet plenty of nice men working all the time.
Your brother meets nobody but film people.
- Three bull's-eyes.
- She doesn't even reload.
I'm not coming this year for Thanksgiving.
I'll get a doctor's note.
I'm sorry about the omelet.
- What omelet? - Yesterday's.
- I don't want to be that kind of wife.
- What kind? I just talked to Dr.
Shapira.
Noodles.
Low-fat diet, cut out salt and you start exercising.
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- You are.
Knock it off, please.
You're aggravating him.
- She's not aggravating me.
- Your heart's going a mile a minute.
The love of my life's here.
When I see her, my heart goes pitter-patter.
- Stop.
- Give me one here.
In front of the kids? - This bed is so small.
- I like it.
- How can you like it? - Because you're in it.
- You're hogging all the covers.
- Well, it's my bed.
Hey, you don't just grab there.