Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge (2010) s02e03 Episode Script

Earlier, I played Meatloaf's I'd Do Anything for Love , and we asked what would you not do for love? Sandra in Beccles.
Shave my dad's back.
Barry in Kelling.
Give kidney.
Uh, Leonard in Taverham.
Put her on the car insurance.
Lot of you are saying that.
Tara in Westwick.
Share my sweeties.
And Beth in Preston.
Renounce Christ.
Keep those calls coming in.
The winning answer receives a year's supply of meatloaf.
That's, uh, one loaf a week, uh, for a year.
Provided exclusively for this show by Bannan's the Butchers.
They don't say what kind of meat it is, but when I pressed them they said it will vary from week to week.
This is Mid Morning Matters.
Hey, you.
What do you want? A friendly voice.
Norfolk's best music mix.
The latest adverts.
- It has to be local.
- I'm sweating like a pig.
Daytime radio that's not thick.
So, what do you listen to? Mid Morning Matters.
Mid Morning Matters.
I listen to Mid Morning Matters.
It's fantastic radio.
Me Love Alan Partridge.
The man is fresh, man! Shep loves it, too, Mum.
Now, his kids may have two dads, but his music meets with everyone's approval.
It's Elton John.
Sorry about the speed wash.
Still recovering from this morning's workout.
Oh, what was that? Boxercise.
Mm-mm.
Lovemaking with Angela.
Whew.
I mean, she's no Vogue model, and, uh, she's not even a catalogue model, but she is strong and she has stamina.
You ever been out with a woman with a rough tongue? It doesn't matter, I've said I've said too much.
I've said too much.
But, no.
I've been up since 4:00, sweating like a Mexican bandit at the end of a Spaghetti Western.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Oi, you! No, not a bad description of what went on.
Because there were three distinct phases.
She was pissed.
Sounds like one of Alan's phone-ins.
That's actually true.
Yeah.
- Lovely song.
- Thank you.
- Lovely song.
- Really nice.
Uh, if you've just joined us, we are in session, live with the legendary folk singer Blackbird Goodbrooke.
That's how you pronounce it? Yes, Blackbird, uh It's a nickname.
Um, a lot of people call me Blackbird, or Blacky, uh, BB.
My girlfriend calls me BB GB, um, but that's, you know, a pet name.
Stays within the walls of the cottage.
Well, that's funny.
But I mean, I call my girlfriend, uh Uh, I call her Little Sparrow.
She calls me Big Bird, and I waddle in and fall on her.
It's uh I mean, she's fine.
She's part of it.
He's literally got a crush on her.
Uh, but no.
In all seriousness, a robust physical appetite between two healthy adults, you know, can mushroom into real love.
Really great song that, though, Blackbird.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
I was just trying to get across the point that in the race for the new, a lot of people forget what's important.
E.
g.
, bees.
Didn't they do Saturday Night Fever? A lot of people think they're a nuisance, uh, but all animals are vital to the ecosystem.
Even bacteria.
Uh, yeah I know what you mean about bees.
But, uh, bacteria? Come on.
Pull the other one.
I mean No, seriously, because, I mean, I have a bath once a week with a capful of Dettol, and that's non-negotiable.
I like to come downstairs knowing there's nothing alive on me.
But we're all God's creatures.
Granted.
But, uh, if we keep putting ourselves last all the time, we're gonna wake up one morning and find we've been usurped by apes.
Did you watch Dawn of the Planet of the Apes last night, Alan? Yeah.
But, you know, I'm not saying we're definitely going to be taken over by apes.
You're saying that we may be taken over by apes.
You've just got to be vigilant, that's all.
Let's talk about your music.
Blackbird.
Uh, Blacky.
Blackbird.
Yeah, Blackbird.
Until I saw you perform so beautifully the other night, in the Boxley Wheatsheaf, um, I would have said that all folk music was the soundtrack to a harvest, but I think your music's that good, it could be used on an advert.
Thank you.
Hopefully not an advert for a car.
God, no, that wouldn't work.
But, um, certainly for something like Scotland.
Oh, yes.
Accompanied by one of those lovely, comforting, gentle voiceovers.
"Oh, hello, have a wee dram.
" Oh, people in Scotland don't really speak like that, do they? I think it would be more accurate to have someone just saying, "Come to Scotland, if you fancy it.
" "What?" And you try to walk around him, you know? "What's the matter?" And you say, "Nothing's the matter, I just want to go back to my hotel.
" Let's have some music.
This is Status Quo.
Uh, yeah, thanks, it's, uh It's Italian, actually.
I bought it in Capri.
Yeah.
Guess how much it cost? Sixty quid? A thousand pounds.
In 1980.
Yeah, but you're not paying for the leather, you're paying for the, uh, the lining.
I mean, no one sees it, but I sometimes throw it over the back of the chair on the train and let people Let them see the money.
Folk music's always been seen as old-fashioned.
Um, there's no synthesisers, there's no samplers.
Um, I mean look at the way Bob Dylan was treated when he went electric.
Yeah.
"Barabbas!" It was Judas, I think.
Yeah.
Sorry, I just I confused They're both, uh, Easter baddies.
It's always been about reaching local people for me.
The stadiums were never for me.
I leave that for the likes of, uh, One Direction.
I'd like them to go in one direction.
Down a dark tunnel.
Yeah.
That collapses.
At both ends.
Trapping them.
Yep.
They make the Monkees sound like the Beatles.
They make actual monkeys sound like the Beatles.
They make actual monkeys sound like actual beetles! Yeah.
Um Blackbird, wanna play a song? I'd love to.
This one's called The Thresher's Farewell.
Picture the scene.
The Sussex Downs.
A boy, nay, a young man with Sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Blackbird, for Traffic and Travel.
Sorry.
- Sorry, my mistake.
- Oh, okay, no worries.
Uh But, um, it's a great song.
I heard this the other night.
To summarise, grumpy town, kid goes missing, town pulls together, kid never found, but when wind blows sounds like kid singing.
More or less, yeah.
But it's moving, you know? Unlike the traffic on the A47.
Traffic and Travel sponsored by Castrol.
That was Beyonce's mum, Tina Turner.
Uh, more of your emails on what you would not do for love.
Derek says, "The car boot sale this Saturday", and in brackets, "and that's the end of it".
What would you not do for love? Uh, yeah, Patricia emails, saying "Miss church/watch blue movie.
" Ah I'm sure she's great with the kids.
Bannon's the Butchers, the housewife's choice for bulk-buying meat.
That man's voice is dripping with dripping.
Would you like me to play a song, Alan? Yeah.
That's why you're here.
Name me a hero.
It's just the intro.
Oh, okay.
Just name a hero.
Superman.
No, another one.
Uh, George Osborne.
Uh, no, He-Man.
- I'll give you one.
- Good.
This is a guy called Geoff, who was just an ordinary guy, nothing special.
And he was involved in the Norfolk floods of 1997.
- Do you remember those? - Yeah.
Well, Geoff was involved in the floods, too, but he didn't look outside for a hero.
He looked inside himself.
And boy did he answer that call.
This is called Raindrops and Rainbows, and it goes a little something like this.
Brilliant.
You're listening to Mid Morning Matters.
Blackbird, I've written down a word on my notepad.
It's the only word I've written.
I'd like you to read it out.
"Spellbinding.
" That's what that song was to me.
Thank you very much.
I was just telling a true story.
About a guy I knew, Geoff Tanner.
Not the Geoff Tanner who was arrested? - Um - Lives in the old rectory.
He was accused of keeping images of children.
He was never charged for that.
Yeah, but mud sticks.
- Yeah.
Pity.
- Hmm.
Shouldn't really have mentioned his name.
At least we didn't mention his address.
You did.
I know.
Yes, we did.
We said "Lived at the old rectory" Oh, I've done it again.
It just shows you, doesn't it? Paedophiles can Can be heroes.
So, you know, if there are any, uh, well-meaning vigilantes thinking of bowling up to the old rectory to teach him a lesson - Go easy on him - Yeah, I mean 'cause he did rescue all those cub scouts.
Yeah.
The song was more about A gentler time, perhaps.
1997? Yeah.
When terrorists were Irish.
It's hard to find, um, a quiet moment in the modern world, because of the many distractions Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
You get so bogged down, can't you, with the busyness of life.
You've got a gas bills on the doormat, and, you know, pizza menus, Lib Dem leaflets, uh, Oxfam demanding a direct debit.
No! An invoice from the window cleaner.
I'll pay you at the end of the month.
And you think, "How can I escape this madness?" But, uh No, but it sounds like you've, uh - Cracked it.
- Got it licked.
Thank you very much.
All I ever wanted was for my music to connect with people, so Blackbird Bluetooth.
I dunno about that.
When it comes to technology I'm a bit of a Luddite, really, so Well, nothing wrong with being a Luddite.
No.
This place is crawling with them.
Yeah, we were given a talk, weren't we, on DAB radio.
One of the producers went bananas, attacked a mixing desk with a squash racquet.
He said his insulin was low, but I think he was just frightened.
Maybe they have a point, though, the Luddites.
Maybe we'd be a lot happier if we lived like old Blackbird.
I just think that there are some things that are a bit more important than iPhones and iPads.
I think I do now.
You know, when I get home tonight, I'm going to throw away my kettle.
Let's have a last song.
- Okay.
- I like the one about bees.
Or we could do a new one.
I've got, uh, a fun song about a shepherd who moves to the city.
It's upbeat, quirky, and it's called Boom Town.
Yeah, could do that one.
Uh, hmm I like the one about bees.
Better! Worse! Better! Worse! - Food.
- Worse! Jess in Horsford.
- Better! - Worse! - Gore-Tex.
- Worse! - Jess in Horsford - Immigration.
- Neutral.
- It's complicated.
- Marmite.
- Oh! Very Very Always very, uh Marmite, indeed.
Mick in Foulsham.
We'll have a few calls about that, certainly.
And immigration.
You're listening to Alan Partridge on Mid Morning Matters.
That was T'Pau.
Which is Yorkshire for "The Pau".
It's gangster day Argh! Jesus! on North Norfolk Digital.
Uh, we're asking you today to tell me how hot you should have your bath.
Which ties in rather nicely with yesterday's competition in which we asked you, what is the best way to dispose of a body? We had some pretty good answers.
We've had some pretty good answers, Alan.
Uh, concrete boot, uh, minced and fed to pigs.
Dropped into the foundations of a new build, or minced and fed to dogs.
Yeah, pigs are better.
Of course, if you really want to lose a body, then just post it to yourself, special delivery.
Uh, yeah.
They do their best.
They do their best.
Uh, coming up soon we'll be chatting to a former gang member.
Do you like gangs, Simon? Uh, yes.
I do, Alan.
I like the old East End gangs from the 60s.
- Yeah, loveable rogues.
- Yeah.
Diamond geezers.
- I love diamond geezers.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
No, they break the law and you don't mind.
Exactly.
It's not It's not like the benefit cheats.
You know, they'll have their people saying, "Oh, I can't operate heavy machinery, 'cause I've got a nervous disposition.
" You know, liars! And they only attack their own, to be fair, um, or nonces or grasses.
Uh, I'll give you a jolly good hiding and pop you in the boot of the Jag.
- Push it into the Thames.
- Precisely.
- So they drown.
- Well, you would, wouldn't you? This is one diamond geezer who would never dream of pulling your finger nails off with a pair of pliers.
- It's Neil.
- Diamond.
Yeah, they know.
This is Mid Morning Matters, where North Norfolk natters.
I'm joined by former gangster, hoodlum, baddie and ne'er-do-well Julius Scannel.
- Good to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
Oh, right.
I was expecting something extra.
Um, Julius, uh, you try to, as it were, herd kids away from crime, like some sort of modern-day shepherd.
Come by! Um, well, really, what it is, is it's just about giving kids something to do, you know? In the centre, we set up a lot of groups for them.
So, you know, things like sports groups or dance groups Dance is good.
Dancing's cool.
Ah, okay.
Well, you like to dance, yeah? Yeah, sure.
Disco, rumba, Zumba, conga.
Uh, rock and roll, yeah.
Just close my eyes, go with it.
Like you did at the Christmas party? Like I did at the Christmas party.
Well, you know it would be good to see you on the dance floor, you know, doin' your ting.
Yeah, well, I was in In the zone.
I was in the dance zone.
Uh The dance floor.
It's not the same ting if you're at the bar or outside the toilets, where people just push past you with wet hands.
Maybe you should give us a bit of a demo, Alan.
Well, my philosophy is pretty simple.
Uh, kick off your shoes, big gulp of juice, see what happens.
And I've got to say, normally, if I can keep my discipline, I'm pretty pleased with the results.
I mean, it's not dancing, per se.
I mean, it's more sort of a collection of spasms.
See, uh Simon's funny, I call him the dancing chicken.
Yeah, well, it's not a chicken, is it? I'm doing the robot, there.
No, I mean, you don't have the guts to commit to real dancing.
- Right.
So I'm a chicken? - A dancing chicken.
Whereas he dances with this very stony expression.
Whereas I try and have a bit of respect for my dancing circle.
Drumming? That's a good way to get rid of excess aggression.
That's why Phil Collins got into it, because he's a real hot-head.
But then, a lot of bald people are.
Um, well, that's not really our focus, you know? We're trying to move away from that aggression, and, you know, let these kids use their brain, you know? Again, Collins.
Collins all over.
I have a bomber jacket from the "No Jacket Required" tour, '85.
The jacket actually has on it "No Jacket Required".
Written on a jacket.
And a lot of people see that as hypocritical and they get quite angry.
But, do you know what I think it is? - Irony? - Brilliant.
Just brilliant.
Yeah, well, our kids they use digital samples and drum machines.
- Okay, okay, whoa.
- Digital everything.
Cool, cool.
I don't want to get into a whole debate about the whole drum machines versus kits.
Uh, my, uh My philosophy on this is real simple.
If it's got a good beat, it's got a good beat.
- Exactly.
- Let's do slap-hands.
And then one down here.
And I'll have that one.
Outstanding.
This is Toto.
Last question.
How hot should you have your bath? Sandra on line three.
I make my husband have a cold bath every night to stop him fiddling with himself in bed.
Makes sense.
Bobby, line five.
50.
- 50 what? - Bye, Alan.
Lucien on line six.
Actually, I don't want to speak to someone called Lucien.
Uh, Simon.
Texts.
Yes.
Marcus says it should be the same temperature they make the swimming pool when the disabled kids go in.
Hmm, lovely.
Coming up, more from Julius.
A reformed character, uh, unlike Gary Glitter.
"Hmm, do you want to be in my gang?" "No, thanks, Gary!" Yeah, well, you know, the thing is is that when it comes to crime, you know, I'll be honest with you, you know, people listen to me just purely on the basis that, you know, I've been there.
I've done it, you know? You were scum.
Well, I I just got in with a bad crowd, you know? It was a lot of stealing, a lot of violence, you know? Yeah, yeah, I admit, I was a bit of a bad boy.
Yeah.
Scum.
- Well, yeah.
- It's a horrible word.
I mean, I don't use it, he does.
Well, no.
That was in the heat of the moment.
Someone had peed on my car.
Well, you know, the point is, you know, I just think I can use, you know, my experiences just to, you know, educate people, let people know what's going on.
Yeah, I mean, I'm I'm the same.
I've had a few scrapes with the law, don't you worry about that.
I've also had a few dinners with them, too.
A friend of mine's a Chief Inspector.
Uh, he drink drives, but then he can.
- So, who's that? - Brian.
Does the pub quiz.
He's a copper, is he? Yeah, DCI Tolesmore.
Two weeks ago they found him asleep in his car on the roundabout.
Do you know him? No, no, I don't know him.
But I know quite a few people like him, you know? Some good cops, you know, some are dodgy.
Yeah, he's not dodgy.
I mean, he's a very good cop.
I mean, he cuts corners But then drink drivers do.
- But then drink drivers do! - CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Well, you know, it just goes to show that anyone can fall foul of the law.
It can happen that easy.
I know.
It can happen that 'easily'.
Um, I mean, when I was Back in the day, when I was a kid at school, I put money in a vending machine for a KitKat.
There was a malfunction, I got delivered three KitKats, uh, and these were the five-fingered kind, Julius.
Now, you and I know when you've received excess confectionery, you contact the manufacturer, or you call a cop.
I didn't.
I kept them.
I wanted those fingers inside me, Julius.
All five of them.
Three times.
Like a chocolate fist? Yeah, I knew it was wrong, but I still did it.
The chocolate fist.
Yeah, I wanted them inside me, and it felt good.
Even though I knew it was wrong.
Hmm.
From a chocolate fist? That's right.
News and Travel coming up.
But time for a quick text on how hot you should have your bath.
Frank Bannister in Blickling says a bath should be hot enough to gradually poach an egg.
Time for news.
Your headlines this lunchtime Talking of, uh, bath temps, uh, you want to make sure you don't end up in hot water yourself.
What do you mean? The chocolate fist thing.
Grow up, mate.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Has anyone seen my phone? What kind is it? Mobile.
It's just gone AWOL.
Well, not AWOL, it's gone missing.
Well, not missing.
I've just, uh In fact, forget about it.
And these things always turn up, don't they, Simon? Yes, like the half a stone you lost last month.
We're not on air.
- Want me to check over here? - No, no.
God, no.
Forget it.
Scrap it, scrim it.
That's not even a word! Phone, schmone.
It's insured.
People get so hung up on phones.
- Yeah, we're not on air.
- I know.
I could really murder a pop right now.
A what? I could really use a pop right about now.
Do you Yeah, do you want Do you want a pop on me, Julius? Do you want a fizzy drink, Julius? No.
No, thanks.
I'm all right.
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I'm sorry.
It was a joke.
Okay.
Brian Stand away from the fruit machine, I can't tell what you're saying.
- Cool it.
- I will not cool it - Cool it.
my reputation I'm sorry.
Okay.
All right.
Now, all right.
Are you still alright for the quiz on Monday? No, I'll pick you up.
No, I I want to.
Okay, ciao.
That guy should not be a serving police officer.
I was in and out of prison for five years and I just I didn't want to keep doing it again and again, you know? I thought, you know, now I've got to change.
I was the same with KitKats, you know? Today, it was KitKats, but tomorrow Yorkies? Yeah.
No.
Do you know what I mean? Fast forward ten years in the future, you know? A big Easter egg.
No, just You're banned from this conversation.
But, you know, I'll tell you where it all ends, Alan.
Truthfully, it's You know, it's guns, it's drugs, it's knives.
You know, people end up getting hurt.
But knives are never gonna go away, Julian.
They're never gonna go away.
We had knives We had knives you wouldn't believe, Julian.
Julius.
These were European military.
Swiss Army knives.
Yeah.
I mean, these bad boys weren't just knives, they were tin openers, they were bottle openers, they were nail files.
- Tweezers.
- Tweezers.
Screwdrivers, Phillips and flat head.
Yes, but you changed and I changed, and that's exactly the message - I'm trying to get across, you know.
- Never again.
That we can actually break this cycle of crime.
Good.
And I applaud that with both hands.
Thank you, thank you.
And, you know, that's why I continue to do talks with kids and, you know, young offenders, because I know exactly how they feel.
- I'll come and give a talk.
- Really? And I'll tell you something else, I'll do it for free.
Just give a small donation to the National Trust.
Okay.
Well, all right.
Go on.
So, um, you know, you've got 20 young offenders in front of you.
You know, what do you say to them? I take my jacket off.
- No jacket required? - No, different from that.
Very slowly, all eyes on me.
Then I'd say, "Now listen up, bird brains, and listen good.
"If you're thinking of going out there to smack up crack, or do some robbing, "you'll have me to deal with.
Right?" - That can work.
You know - "I can't hear you! "What's that?" And then you answer me again, loudly, both together in unison.
- Right.
- Right.
Good.
Oh, here, I found it! There it is.
Sorry.
What for? Uh, I Because I trumped.
What a nice man.
- Yeah.
- How refreshing.
- Yeah.
- Just Hello.
I was just talking about how refreshing you are.
Cheers, thank you.
Do you know what I just realised? I do actually have your phone.
- We must have the same phone.
- Oh, right.
God, not a problem, yeah.
You most probably stole my one, eh, Alan? Well Well, yeah! It can happen that way round.
It can, it can.
You know, you need to be careful.
I may be reformed and everything, but I've still got a right hook.
Yeah.
Shut up, you.
I'll give you a bunch of fives.
Hey, break it up, break it up.
Oh, shut up! Ow! That's definitely the right one, is it? Yeah, cheers.
Great, really great.
Great crack.
Excellent.
Cheers, mate.
- Take care, bye-bye.
- Okay, absolutely, goodbye.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine.
I've just done my back as I went back in to the chair.
Okay, but we're cool? Oh, yeah, yeah.