Mind Your Language (1977) s02e03 Episode Script

Hello, is that Parkers? Look, I'm going fishing this weekend and I need some bait No, just on the Thames, the maggots will do I'll send somebody round to collect them Oh by the way, those trout flies I bought from you have been very successful Especially the cochy-bondu Seems to attract the trout like a magnet Yes, thank you again Bye Excuse me You startled me Would you mind knocking before you barge in? Sorry Is that better? - I've lost it - Lost what? Is that better? - I've lost it - Lost what? I've lost my favorite fly I had it in my hand a moment ago! I must have dropped it Can you see it anywhere? What does it look like? It's about two inches long; red and black with a curly tail Perhaps it's flown out of the window It's a fishing fly! A cochy bondu - A cochy what? - Bondu - It must be here somewhere - If it's here, we'll find it Perhaps I should come back later Ah Mr.
Brown, you can join in Well I'm not really that religious We're looking for a fly A fly? Yes! It's 2 inches long! Red and black with a curly tail Sounds quite lethal - Would you mind helping us look for it - No, not at all - I found it - Where? It's here! Just under the desk - I'll get it - No, stand back Sid! Leave this to me What are you doing Mr.
Brown? Stay where you are Miss Courtney! It could be dangerous Yeah that's right! It's not moving! - Mr.
Brown - Just a moment Better to be safe than sorry I've just remembered! I've been expecting the boiler Have you quite finished Mr.
Brown? Or would you like to borrow a hammer? One can't be too careful where strange insects are concerned Have you any idea where it came from? - Yes! W.
Parker and Son - Pardon? - Fishing tackle suppliers - Fishing - It wasn't - It was Oh dear! Got any glue? I don't think trout are particularly fond of glue No I suppose they're not! - I'll buy you another - See that you do Excuse me Hello Speaking Pardon? Is it you? Is it really you? It is you It's him Coming here? You're not coming here You are coming here He's coming here Yes, yes, yes Half an hour You'll be here in half an hour He'll be here in half an hour Very well until then - Is everything all right? - It was him Yes and he's coming here in half an hour But who is him I mean who is he? A man I never thought I'd see again My ex-fiance You mean you were actually engaged at one time? There's no need to sound so surprised It was over twenty-five years ago I was just I was very young I met him at Oxford in the high! It was raining and he offered me shelter under his umbrella Then he insisted on buying me a cup of tea and a sticky bun - How romantic - Yes, that was how it all started - Why didn't you get married? - It was awful! He left me - At the church? - No, in the lurch Mr.
Brown, I have never told anyone this before - Well if you'd rather - No, sit down For years, I've kept this terrible secret to myself Now he's coming back into my life I must tell someone And I think I can trust you Mr.
Brown I'd rather not if it's going to cause any embarrassment - It won't embarrass me - It might embarrass me I'm sure it won't Anyway, he asked me to go down to Brighton with him For one of those - you know - weekends - Double room, Mr.
And Mrs.
Smith? - Exactly - And you refused? - Oh no, I went I even remember the hotel - The Bellavista, opposite the abatoir - Very Bellavista Well, we booked in and Albert, like the thoughtful man he was He let me go upstairs first to prepare myself as it were While he had a drink in the bar - Getting up a bit of dutch courage - I beg your pardon? Not that he needed it with such a lovely person waiting to be - What happened then? - He didn't turn up He got drunk, passed out and spent the night on a settee in the resident's lounge How despicable! I went home and refused ever to see him again I heard later that he was working in the Far East But I must admit I have always cherished a secret hope that he might one day come back - Excuse me please - Yes Ali, what is it? Come quickly please we are having plenty trouble in classroom - What do you mean, trouble? - Max and Giovanni They are murdering each other - I'm ready when you are - I am ready when you are You come on You're gonna be sorry We see whose gonna be sorry Okay, I'm waiting for you to come on Stop this brawling It's lucky for you! Professori stop me from giving you a black eye I will not have fighting in class Fighting! It was more like dancing I will not have fighting in class Fighting! It was more like dancing - I was just warming up - Me too - What was this all about? - I tell you professori He was calling me a wop And he's calling me a grease boy Go on, sit down everybody I wish you could pick up proper English as quickly as you pick up slang I have enough trouble with Ali and Ranjeet without you two start falling out Now shake hands, come on Right! Now, tonight I want to concentrate on English conversation The sort of things you have to say during the course of the day For example Ranjeet - Where would you take a cheque? - To Czechoslovakia For example Ranjeet - Where would you take a cheque? - To Czechoslovakia - Not that sort of Czech - A thousand apologies A cheque for a certain amount of money - Where would you take it? - To a bank - Thank you! Juan - Si senor - If you felt ill, what would you do? - Go to bed - Before that - Take the clothes off - You would go to the doctor's - No, no, no Doctor kill my uncle in Madrid - Really? - Si My uncle, he has pain in the chest! He goes to see doctor Doctor he looks at him and say It's alright Ten minutes later, in the street, my uncle finito - He got a heart attack? - Motor car You could hardly blame the doctor for that Si, si, the doctor, he was driving the motor - Taro - Ah so Although we have news metrics in this country We still use an old system which is known as what? - Sorry not know - Does anybody know? Avoirdupois - Excellent - Merci - Does avoirdupois ring a bell now Taro? - Yes Avoirdupois is French for have you some peaso Taro, I can't believe you're that stupid Sorry, justjoko Well in future, kindly leave yourjoko's at homo - Zoltan, I'm gonna ask you a question - Yes please - Which shop - yes, shop, shop Which shop would you go to to buy a packet of cigarettes? Cigarettes No shop Come on Zoltan! You must go to some sort of shop Zoltan no smoke Excuse! Zoltan, where you go for chewing gum? - Ah, sveet shop - Sweet, sweet - Anna tells me sveet - No, sweet, sweet Sveet, sweet! What's the difference? The difference Anna is that you must learn to say wer, not Ver! Wer Verwer You nearly got it then! Try again Verwer Try saying Verwer without the Ver Erwer Almost! Try again but this time don't say Erwer, just wer - Wer - Wer - Wonderful - Wonderful - Wednesday - Wednesday - A wet weekend in Winter - A wet weekend in Winter - Very good - Werry good - Ali - Yes please - You have a headache - No sir Assume you have a headache! Where would you go to get some aspirin? Tanduri takeaway - No Ali - Yes please My jelly good friend who's working there always have plenty aspirin I meant to buy some aspirin Why should I be buying them when I can be getting them from my friend for nothing done Alright, where do you go for aspirin when the tanduri takeaway is closed? Oh Blimey, Taj Mahal curry house Jamila, would you please tell Ali where would you go to get aspirin - Ok, the chemist - Thank you - Where are you going now? - To buy some aspirin for headache - But you said you don't have a headache - Oh blimey, I got one now Oh go and sit down Excuse me Mr.
Brown, the old dragon wants you Please Sid, do be a little more respectful Especially in front of the students Please Sid, do be a little more respectful Especially in front of the students It's up to us to set a good example Sorry What does the old dragon Miss Courtney want? I've no idea, but I don't think she's very well She actually smiled at me Enter - Are you feeling alright? - Yes, why? - You sounded as if you were in pain - I was singing I am sorry to bring you away from your class Mr.
Brown But before you leave this evening, would you mind checking that Sid's locked up properly Absolutely, so should be I was referring to the building You see, it's quite likely that I may be leaving early To think he's come back into my life after twenty five years I think I might need another cherry to settle my stomach - What's the matter? - He's here! Look - Where? - Down there You stupid fool! You have crowned my Albert I've got a splitting headache I'm sorry! It was an accident! This is Miss Courtney's office Wait, wait! Look, have you got somewhere where I could comb my hair? And brush myself down I must look presentable for our first meeting after twenty five years - Yes of course! It's down there on the right - Thank you Enter Hello darling Pardon? It's you Where's Albert? You haven't pushed him down the stairs, have you? No, no! He's just gone to comb his hair Is he all right? No damage done I hope - I'm afraid there is - Oh dear, is it bad? The plantpot's broken I was referring to Albert Oh Albert, he's fine I'll get it Darling! Oh it's you This is darling Miss Courtney - Albert - Dolores Dolores? Haven't you a class to attend to? Yes of course darling Dolores Excuse me Haven't you a class to attend to? Yes of course darling Dolores Excuse me I've dropped a two p.
It must have rolled away somewhere I'm glad to see you're all working hard What are you studying Ingrid? "How to improve your bust line"! Very educational - You can borrow it if you wish it - No thank you What's keeping you occupied Juan? "Gals Galore" There's not much English in this No, but some beautiful pictures Zoltan "Gorgeous Chicks" I'm sure this isn't about poultry farming - But - Nevermind Anna! "True Romances" Max, "Football Review" Danielle, "Toujours L'Amour" Don't the French ever think about anything else other than love? To the French, there's is nothing else Giovanni, "L'Amore" In Italy, we're just like the French Ranjeet, "Cartoon Capers" I am reading all about Bugs the Bunny and Woody the pecker Ali, "The World's Most Exotic Dishes" I didn't know you were interested in cookery Oh Blimey, when I am buying it I didn't know it was about cookery! Jamila "Knitting made easy" Taro, "The confessions of a Geisha girl" You can all learn English much more quickly If you began by reading a better class of litterature As you're obviously so keen to learn English I'll give you extra homework tonight Quiet! It's time you took these lessons seriously Now before we break for tea, I'm going to ask you each a question And anyone who gives an incorrect answer will be fined 10 p.
The money will go to charity Who's this bird charity you're giving our money to? Charity is not a bird It means an organization a deserving cause - Juan, spell "quiet" - Por favore - Quiet! - Ah quiet No spell "quiet" - How much we pay if we're wrong? - 10 p.
Ingrid, give me an example of a preposition Will you to dinner take me? I said a preposition not a proposition A preposition shows the relation between a noun or pronoun And some other word A gift from Mary, a house for sale - A date with teacher - Yes all right! I'll accept that - Good, tonight we go - I meant I'll accept your answer Ranjeet, how do you pronounce the following? B O U G H, C O U G H, T O U G H You are trying to be catching me out - B O U G H - Buff - T O U G H - Toff - C O U G H - Cow Three out of three wrong Thousand apologies Giovanni, what is meant by vice versa? On second thoughts, I won't ask you that - What is a diphtong? - Is it like a dipstick? What do you think? I think I owe you ten p.
Ali what does the term coup de grace mean? And don't you dare say cutting the lawn I'm never hearing of it It means the final stroke! It's French Oh blimey, I am having enough worries learning the English It's a phrase that's in common usage Ten p.
Please Thank you - Taro - Ah so Decline the verb to jump I jumpo, you jumpo He jumpso, she jumpso We jumpo, they jumpo Very good Taro But you must try not to end every word on O - Ok? - Oko Jamila, as oil is to water so chalk is to Blackyboard Cheese! 10 p.
Please - I am not understanding - It's a fairly common phrase They are as alike as chalk and cheese - I am not understanding - It's a fairly common phrase They are as alike as chalk and cheese But chalk and cheese are not being alike Exactly, so it means they are not alike I'm thinking it is easier to say they are not alike Than to be talking about chalks and cheeses I'm thinking it is easier to say they are not alike Than to be talking about chalks and cheeses Yes I admit we do tend to complicate our language Max, give me an example of a principal clause Santa Claus Quiet Just for that Max you can write out 20 times A clause is as sentence which is part of a longer sentence Hockay Not now, in your own time And you can give me 10 p.
Thank you Danielle, as handsome as a Prince! As ugly as? A Swede As ugly as sin - 10 p.
- It was worth it Anna give me two different meanings of the word blow You can blow like so Or you can give somebody a blow Thank you Anna - Zoltan - Yes please Can you give me the past tense of the verb to see - See, saw - Ah, seesaw No Zoltan Today I see, yesterday I saw It's not really fair to take one from you Alright then 80 p.
In 3 minutes At this rate, we'll soon have a small fortune - Another cup of tea, Albert? - No thank you Dolores - A glass of cherry perhaps? - No, I don't drink now! I've given it up - It's a very bad habit - You're so right I only keep it for visitors Oh dear Come on Dolores! Think of something a little more sparkling - I wonder - Yes - Will you - Oh I will Pour me another cup of tea - Tea? - Yes please - You said you didn't want any more - I've changed my mind As a matter of fact, there is something else I'm going to ask you Yes I know it might seem silly after all this time and not writing and everything - But I never forgot you Dolores - Yes I couldn't believe my good fortune tonight when I discovered you hadn't married I never married either - Didn't you? - No - Would it be too much to expect - No - I mean would you consider - Yes - I mean will you marry me? - This is so sudden - Oh Albert, my cup is overflowing - So is mine Oh dear, I'm so sorry It doesn't matter! - Well what do you say? Will you marry me? - Yes please I'll get a special license! We can be married next week So soon? We've already wasted 25 years! We don't wanna waste any more time - Wait - What's the matter? We can't! We'll have to wait My money's still tied up abroad It'll take several weeks to transfer it over here I've got enough money Dolores, I couldn't let you pay for the wedding and honeymoon and everything - What's mine is yours - No, it wouldn't be right Nonsense, don't be so proud I'll tell you what I'll do I'll use your money on the strict understanding That I pay you back when mine comes through - Very well, if you insist - I most definitely do That I pay you back when mine comes through - Very well, if you insist - I most definitely do Oh Albert, I'm so excited So am I Just a moment, I I have a little engagement! I've got to meet a fellow down the road A little business! Lt'll only take a few minutes Then I should come back and take you to dinner somewhere just the two of us That would be lovely - Don't go away - Never Mind where you're going - Albert? - Is everything alright Sid? Is everything alright? I've just seen a fellow I haven't seen for years! Albert Collins Albert! Miss Courtney's boyfriend - Never - It's true He's a crook, a con man You must be mistaken! He's just come back from the Far East He's been away for over 20 years He's been away all right, doing porridge He's been in prison? He was in the nick with my brother-in-law He's in and out of there like a fiddlers elbow Do you know what his specialty is? Finding lonely women, asking them to marry him Taking their life savings and scampering Finding lonely women, asking them to marry him Taking their life savings and scampering I'm getting married in the morning Enter Ah Miss Courtney, I've got some rather disturbing news Nothing you could say to me today would disturb Mr.
Brown - I think this might! It's about Albert - Ah Albert, my future husband I've just been speaking to Sid and Husband? Yes, we're getting married by special license Oh no Now Mr.
Brown, I know you were fond of me But you mustn't take it too hard Has he tried to borrow any money from you? I fail to see what business that is of yours He has I hate to have to tell you this Miss Courtney But your future husband is a crook - Don't be so impertinent - It's true I'm afraid He's a con man! He specializes in proposing to lonely women and taking their money Nonsense! I don't believe it Ask Sid, his brother-in-law was in prison with him - Prison? Are you sure? - I'm afraid so - Perhaps he's reformed - You don't really believe that, do you? No, I thought it was too good to be true He's coming back to take me out to dinner - What shall I do? - Don't worry Miss Courtney He's coming back to take me out to dinner - What shall I do? - Don't worry Miss Courtney I'll deal with him Leave everything to me I've got a message for you from Miss Courtney - Oh yes - Push off What? We know all about your little games So I'd advise you to get lost quick, before I throw you out - You and whose army? - Me and this army Yeah, well perhaps I had better be going All right Miss Courtney, he's gone Oh thank you Mr.
Brown