Moonshine (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Moonshine".
You guys are super behind
on your taxes.
Which is what led me to you
guys in the first place.
I quit.
Dharma. It's like your purpose, right?
Well, hello, dharma.
It's come to my attention
that I may be a serial
relationship wrecker.
It's got me thinking about
taking a critical gaze
back at myself. Duck bong guy,
- where did we go wrong?
- Oh hey, hot stuff.
Is the naked dude your boyfriend?
I actually don't know what he is.
Screwing him is one thing.
Getting into business with him
is next level risky.
I will find your bio mom for you.
It's the letter she left with me.
It's gotta mean something.
You are looking at the newest
member of the FCBA.
- You did this?
- I can be very persuasive.
Someone once described bingo
as the morgue's waiting room.
A place for geriatric chain smokers
to gamble their way into the void.
It's a game of chance, much like life.
The cosmic pursuit for existence.
I need a pink dauber!
75 balls collide
in a dance of total nonsense
until one lucky dude wins the race.
Yeah, it's a procreation metaphor.
Thousands of sperm.
One egg.
It's a miracle any of us
were born at all.
In a few hours,
this place will be full.
Everyone's a winner, 'til they're not.
Bingo.
- Oh, make yourself at home.
- Oh, Jesus.
Did you start using that
natural deodorant again?
The real stuff might cause
cancer, but at least it works.
Did you swing by to make me
feel bad about my natural funk?
Yes.
And I need clothes.
Ter and I have a double date
tonight
with his partner and her boyfriend.
I need something classy, but boring.
Think "the most fun teller
at the bank."
Oh, I'd be happy to help you
pretend to be an adult.
Dinner thing?
Bingo night at The Shore Club.
Can't all date the leader of the pack.
Can I please enjoy my
afterglow for 5 minutes,
without your judgment?
- Sorry, not my biz.
- You do you.
- And the biker.
- Thank you, and I will.
Did you hear Thirsty Katie
finally gave Rhian
- her coveted Golden Clam?
- Yeah.
Heard something else.
- I thought you were done.
- I didn't say anything.
Ugh, stop fake biting your tongue.
You're gonna spit it out anyway.
So,
Thirsty Katie's real estate
billboard
got vandalized last night.
Totally defaced. Now, I gotta
admit, Joel looks better.
But still.
You don't know that was Gale?
And yet you immediately
jump to that conclusion?
Weird coincidence that Katie
suddenly does a 180?
Well, I guess it's no weirder
than a biker
renovating his cinder block clubhouse.
Even outlaws deserve
marble countertops.
He's going with three-inch maple.
- Oh.
- And
this is the end of this conversation.
Fine. You're going to bingo
night, right?
I might need someone to sneak
off and do shots with me,
so I don't blow my brains out.
Lidia?
Switch!
You do like working here
though, right?
Like it? Pfft. I was so
stressed out at my old job,
I was getting pressure
headaches that can cook rice.
Now, I get to give a goddess
a foot massage.
My life is a 24-7 vacay.
Well, when you're not on vacay,
maybe you can find some time
in those 24-7
to fix the faucet in Cabin 2?
I've got those competitive
cyclists checking in
this afternoon, and they're
just, they're very particular.
Must've slipped my mind.
I've just been very busy
with all the accounting stuff.
And upgrading the reservation system.
- All very useful.
- And appreciated.
It's just that, you know,
Dad and I used to do all
the handyman stuff together
and now that he's retired, and
Say no more.
Unless you don't think
you can, you know,
because not all men are capable
in the arts
of material trades and
- your hands are very soft.
- They are not that soft.
It's just, it's a lot.
I can't do it all, you know,
with juggling management,
and-and creating human life
from nothing!
You know, some days, it's a lot and
I swear to God, if you disclose
what I am about to tell you,
to anyone, I will drown you
in this foot bath.
But I'm just, I'm feeling
a little bit in over my head
without Mom and Dad, and Lidia.
And, I just need to know
that you can handle this.
You know what? Not only do
I have your feet, My Love,
but I have your back, too.
I'm gonna go kick that sink's ass.
Right now!
That's my handyman!
That was hot.
- Little brother!
- Yo.
I've been looking for you all day.
At the club setting up bingo.
Well, I've been setting up
somethin', too.
I've been doing a lot of
processing about your bio mom.
- Why?
- I've been working on a weird theory
about the fish symbol on the
letter. You ready for it?
- I maybe?
- Okay.
Your mom was either a fisherwoman
who delivered the fresh catch or
- a mermaid.
- Huh.
Think about it!
That's why you can hold your
breath so long under water!
Hey, come on, Sammy, that was funny!
I think I'm
I'm gonna stop searching.
What? But we were just
getting started.
Terry didn't find a DNA match.
And-and I looked at the fish
thing, it's just some
ancient Greek symbol.
I couldn't find anything
with the groovy wheels though.
So, that's two dead ends
and no other leads.
But I think I may need to make
peace with the fact
that I may never find her. Okay?
And-and at this point,
what would it change, anyway?
If she's a mermaid, a lot!
Did you ask Mom and Dad
if they know anything
about the weird fish symbol?
They're taking a vacation
for the first time in 30 years
I'm not, I'm not bothering
them with this.
Okay, well, Sammy, if you ask
me, and I know you did not,
you're letting an epic journey
of self-discovery
- slip through your fingers!
- Ryan let it go.
Well, I'm here
if you change your mind!
- Okay, thank you!
- Anytime!
'K!
Do I have a Smurf tongue?
Be honest. Ah!
Yeah, Ryan, you have a Smurf tongue.
Yeah!
Rugburn, ice packs,
a spatula mark on my ass.
That is what we call good punishment.
Hey, Ter!
Hey!
I'm stoked for tomorrow night.
My psychic said that August
was gonna be my lucky month.
- Bingo, Ter.
- Oh, right, yes.
Uh, yeah, it's gonna be really fun.
It'll be cool to get to know
Nora better.
Although, I feel like I already know
a lot about her, and you.
Okay. Well,
whatever this conversation is
about, we're not having it.
Now, get your butt off my desk
you're sittin' on my files.
Okay. Okay.
Wouldn't wanna get spanked.
Oh. Ah!
All right, let's tutor it up
and get you a GED!
You don't have to raise your hand.
Oh. Okay.
Sorry, I didn't know that.
Got a strike one I guess, huh?
You're tweaking. I get it.
I've been in SAT prep since I was 13.
I basically live in anxiety
during practice tests.
Hmm.
Just gotta find a way to shake it off.
Like meditation or
Ooh, or like how I have this
jar, and I, and I
scream my-my fears, and my sads,
and my angers into it,
and then, I seal it up tight
and put it in the freezer?
Maybe you should spend the
$20 you gave me on therapy.
I just
I don't know, I'm not a very
schooly person,
- you know, like ah.
- Who told you that?
- Talk about confirmation bias.
- Confir what?
Crystal, the placement test
is tomorrow, right?
How to cram.
You got this.
It's a very big book.
Hola, guys!
Robin, lookin' fresh, Buddy.
- You too, scowling girlfriend.
- Jo-Ann.
Oh, Jo-Ann.
Oh, hey! These samples just came in,
so, I figured I'd pop by
with them, so.
- Pop!
- Ha.
Can we chat in your office?
Yeah.
Oh, ow. Thank you!
I don't know how you feel
about Moroccan tile,
but I want you to walk in
and think fiesta.
I love it!
Eee! I thought you would.
Also, there's this thing
my sister said
- I just wanna clarify.
- Okay?
Katie, Lobster-palooza Katie,
uh, you didn't like, ha, I don't know,
it sounds totally crazy
to even say out loud,
um, vandalize her billboard
on the highway into Chester?
I prefer the term worked over.
So, t-that's a yes?
A colleague asked her
to reconsider her position
on The Moonshine's place
in the Business Association.
It was very considerate,
but a strongly-worded email
may have done the trick.
You seemed pretty stoked
about this yesterday.
I-I was.
No, I-I am. I just uh
vandalism, threats,
not really my thing.
Noted.
- Anything else?
- Yeah.
This renovation,
that's all it is, right?
A reno?
I mean, I've never
I've never known a biker
who cared what colour story
his space told before,
and given you're the first
biker I've known
Clearly, you're the type of woman
that appreciates full disclosure.
Yeah.
Does this place need a little update?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Am I using the reno as
a way to launder money?
Also, yes.
But you'll get a cut
for your trouble, of course.
Of course. Mm-hmm.
- Are we okay?
- Yeah! Uh-huh.
And I appreciate your
transparency. Very refreshing.
Uh, but I should probably
just go. Oh! Okay.
Thinking about keeping these?
Not really the uh,
mod hacienda vibe we're going for.
But to be discussed. Okay. Bye-e!
Fuck!
All right, sink,
you've dripped your last drop.
Okay.
Welcome to "Fix that Sink!"
We will be removing the faucet lever,
- the cartridge, and O-ring.
- O-ring?
But before we start
Oh! Ah! Come on!
ensure it's turned off.
Remember there's no stupid
mistakes, only expensive ones.
Oh! Okay. All right. Ahhh!
Okay. All right, now what?
Okay, think Oscar,
come on, think, think, think!
Where do I shut this off?
Is there a shutoff somewhere?
Everything copacetic?
Oh yeah, yeah. No, no,
I'm just dealing with a pesky
O-ring situation. Heh, heh.
- O-rings. Am I right?
- You need a hand?
No! No, gotta be my own
handyman, yeah.
Uh, quick question, though.
Do you know where the
water shut-off thing is?
Water main?
Yes, that. Shoulda known.
You sure you don't need a hand?
Nope!
Come on, Neil.
Come on, come on, mop.
What the heck is that?
Uh!
Um
What are you still doing in here?
- Ah!
- I thought you said
- you had accounting to do?
- Uh, I'm just um,
making sure I don't mess up
your dad's tools.
Uh, you're still gonna fix the sink
- in Cabin 2 though, right?
- On it.
'K, 'cause check-in's in 20.
Um, that might not be possible?
Hang on. No, hang on. Uh
Rhian! Rhian!
Rhian, Sweetheart! Uh, it's not
as bad as you think.
Well, actually, it could be
as bad as you think.
I don't know what you're
thinking right now.
But remember one thing,
I love you and you love me,
and I gave you a really nice
foot massage earlier, so.
Oh!
Oscar!
I knew you were more
than just a numbers guy.
That's me.
Handyman by day
handsy-man by night?
How'd I get so lucky?
Day drinkin'?
Technically, I'm on vacation.
- How'd you find me?
- Oh, I have my ways.
The front desk told me where you were.
Mind if I uh
I scared you off, didn't I?
It was a lot of uh
new information to process.
- I didn't wanna lie to you.
- I appreciate that.
I overstepped with the Katie thing.
Think it was uh, a chivalrous gesture.
But in the future, I prefer jewellery.
Can we start over?
Uh, separate the personal
and the professional?
Let's just pretend that
I work somewhere else.
Somewhere boring, like uh,
like an insurance company.
With those tats?
I'm just a regular guy with RRSPs,
- and I drive a um, um
- An Infiniti?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Who wants to ask you out on a date.
A real date.
What, like right now?
You got somethin' better to do?
Woo!
C'mon! Gimme a hint!
Where're you taking me?
Be right back.
Ah. Ha, ha.
Maybe you should lead the convo action
tomorrow night, you know
just in case I have nothing
in common with uh
- with uh
- Della and Ross.
You're not actually nervous
about tomorrow, are you?
Nervous? Me? No.
I made a bet with Lidia
that I could out-boring them.
I've been researching really
interesting facts
about cardboard.
That's sweet.
I just never know what to say
to civilians.
Like, do they like music?
Stories about sexcapades gone wrong?
I could talk to them
about my new show.
New show? Way to bury the lead.
I don't even know if it's a show.
I was just ad-libbing
some stuff last week,
my producer got all excited.
I was thinking about calling it
"Milk Crate Confessionals".
It's like recycling past
dating mistakes into advice,
so people don't spend their
primo boning years
in a blur of cheap wine
and regret, like I did.
Ah.
Spanking.
So you love it?
Uh, I gotta go.
- I'll see ya tomorrow?
- Yeah, with balls on.
Bingo, Ter.
Yeah.
Okay, not what I was expecting.
Oh, ha.
What'd you think, I was
bringing you up here to off ya?
Dump the body?
How'd you find this spot?
I'm looking to expand my empire.
Hmm.
Okay, so uh,
I have to ask you because
it's been bugging me.
That sketchy dude at the gas
station, what was that?
- Truffle honey.
- Mm-hmm.
If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna need to trust each other.
Keep each other's secrets.
What, like I'm not a real blonde?
Which I totally am, by the way.
No, I'm thinking about that
dead body at The Moonshine.
I always do my due diligence
before I get into business
with someone.
Uh, I don't know what you heard.
That your mother did
what she had to do.
Lidia, relax.
I'm not gonna tell anyone.
I just wanted you to see
that your family and mine
they're not that different.
My mom was protecting her kids.
And then we did one,
okay, maybe two
little drug deals to save our home.
I-I'm not judging your chosen
vocation, it's just
Very lucrative.
You said The Moonshine
could use some cash,
and I'm sayin' hey
I'm sayin' that I could use
someone like you in my life.
I'm not saying we couldn't
use the money but
no.
Oh.
No hard feelings.
There we go.
That's right. Okay.
Overdue tax installment?
No, no, no, no!
All right, let's get
this budget party started!
Um, I'm not quite done
crunching the numbers.
I just need uh, 'til end of day.
- No stress.
- Yes, stress,
Especially if you tell me
not to stress.
Oscar, what are you looking at?
Porn. P-pornography.
Porn? I love porn. What kind?
Uh a lawn gnome fetish.
- Uh, you're hiding something.
- No! I-I'm not.
I'm just juggling a lot
of spinning to prove to you
that I could take care
of these plates.
Place.
That I could prove I could
take care of you, our baby.
- I just need more time. Okay?
- Okay.
Lidia!
I uh, know you've taken a step back
from Ye Old Moonshine,
and that's great,
but I kinda maybe need you
to take a couple steps forward?
- Several, actually?
- Why?
I already told Rhian
I'd help with bingo night.
I'm not talking bingo, I'm talking
- back taxes.
- Didn't that get resolved?
I thought that's why you were
investigating us?
I got a little busy, you know,
the good old get kidnapped,
fall in love,
blow up my career,
create human life sorta thing.
- Big summer.
- Great summer.
Hey, do you know this place
has a balance sheet
that looks like a hit and run?
Red, everywhere.
Yeah, I know, the financials
aren't great.
Look, Lidia
I need you to get me
a $15K installment
by the end of the week.
What? No
w-we just broke even on the septic.
There, there's no money for
one-ply in the outhouses,
- let alone back taxes!
- I get it!
Believe me, as a low-wage
government employee,
turned no-wage Moonshiner, I get it.
- Does Rhian know?
- No, God, no.
I don't want her stressing
out more than she already is
about my ability to handle
things around here.
God, how are we supposed
to come up with $15K?
Last time I saw that kinda coin
I was cashing in my kids' college fund
and handing it over to Jill.
You look like you have an idea.
Care to brainstorm?
Hey, Ter! You busy?
Depends if you consider
a stolen guinea hen a felony?
Huh. Uh, just uh hmm,
following up on the status of my
big old duffle bag full of money.
You know, the one you confiscated
when you arrested Jill after
the big drug-smuggling sitch?
Oh, you mean the one
that was most likely used
as a bribe to buy time
to save The Moonshine?
Bribe? No!
That would be a gift for a favour.
This was more like collateral
for a favour.
That's not better.
Also, it was all the money
I had in the entire world.
Um, so, given my current state
of relative unemployment
I found a lot of
incriminating evidence
in that house, but still
no duffle bag of cash.
I'm sorry.
Lidia, look, if you're
in trouble, you can
Me? No! God, no!
No, no, no, I am totally cool.
Nothing but resourceful. Um, so
Ooh, no. Oh, sorry!
Could you also do me a favour
and not mention this
to my family,
that would be great. Okay.
- Bye!
- Bye.
How's the cram fest going?
Oh, that. Um, you know, I'm over it.
It's just like the GED was just
like, a total waste of time so.
Yesterday, it was your
primary life goal.
Uh yeah, but then I
remembered that like,
I am who I am, you know, like
I'm not really an academic.
I'm more of a a free-thinky type.
So, you know, this is why
I dropped out of high school
in the first place!
Really expect me to believe
you dropped outta school
'cause you're a free-thinky type?
Why? What did you hear?
What could I have heard?
I'll tell you.
Um, okay, in 10th Grade,
I got involved with this guy,
and then, everyone found out
and it was super humiliating,
and so, I dropped out of school.
But it was my own, stupid fault.
You know, like I never
should've screwed around
with Mr. Phelps. I didn't
even like geography!
- He was a teacher?
- Well, yeah.
But I mean, he waited until
I was 16 to sleep with me.
- That's illegal!
- Is it?
He taught geography, not law.
And when I was a teenager,
no one really seemed to care
about that stuff,
not even my mom when I told her.
So, a male authority figure
enticed you
into an inappropriate relationship,
which resulted in emotional
abuse and slut-shaming.
You blamed yourself
and dropped out of school,
and now, you're abandoning
all your future ambitions
because you're being
triggered by that trauma?
I mean
I guess, yeah?
You're not ready to take the GED.
See, that is what I've been
saying, Eleanor.
There's something we need to do first.
I'm not sure how you normally
do brush-offs,
but in my experience,
you don't typically hang out
together after.
I'm here to talk business.
Ah, the above-board
bathroom tile kind,
or the criminal activity
that you're not comfortable
being involved in?
I may have been a tad rash.
- People are complicated.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, just look at my family.
Sometimes they screw up
and bury a body.
But you can't judge a book or
a biker
by the crimes they may
or may not have committed.
- Words to live by.
- Full disclosure
my change of heart is motivated
by the fact that I actually
really do need cash for The Moonshine.
Seriously considering
the money laundering angle.
One time only.
How does that work again?
Well, when the taxman asks me
how we make our money,
let's just say the truth
is not our friend.
- Hmm.
- We funnel our income,
clean it, through an easily
inflatable expenditure,
something that's hard to track,
like a reno.
Yeah, the reno thing,
not gonna work for me.
Takes forever. I need cash now.
Like, this week, now.
Cash transactions,
hard to track, easy to inflate.
How do you feel about bingo?
If your whole family's
gonna be at this bingo thing,
how're we gonna hide what we're doin'?
We're not.
But my family can't know.
Is this the floorplan
of The Shore Club?
I drafted it. To scale.
This is my first official
criminal enterprise
planning thingy,
I am not half-assing it.
I am going full ass!
This is me.
This is you.
You think anyone's gonna buy
that I've taken a sudden
interest in bingo?
I've come up with a whole back story,
in case anyone asks.
Your mom was a bingo champ.
Or we use one o' my crew and then,
I meet up with you after
I get the cash so
no one gets suspicious.
- Or that.
- Okay.
Okay.
Here's how it's gonna go
down. We take the dirty money,
Yes.
We mix it with the clean prize money.
Make it look like the pot's
really amped up.
- Best of luck!
- No debit, no credit.
Don't want anyone tracking
transactions.
There's a lot of money to launder,
and no one's gonna question
a bigger jackpot.
- Good luck, Lois.
- Yeah!
Our player hands you the cash.
You mix it with yours,
make it look like
you sold a ton of cards.
You fake the receipts on the back end.
- Have fun, Jo-Ann.
- Dirty money in.
Clean money out. We rig
the game, Jo-Ann wins and
bingo.
The dirty money looks legit.
Now, I'm good at a few things,
just not that familiar with bingo.
How you plan to rig the game?
Oh, please. I've run bingo
nights since middle school.
Got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Metaphorically, 'cause I think
I'm gonna wear a tank top.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey, Officer Gallagher,
need a spankin'?
Why don't you guys grab a table?
We'll uh, we'll meet ya in there.
Oh, what? It was a joke!
It's not like I said
I was gonna peg you.
Unless you want me to.
If you're gonna be a smart ass,
why didn't you just stay at work?
- What is with you, Ter?
- Nothing.
Whereas I have been doing
the opposite of nothing,
trying to make you happy.
Cleaning my stupid apartment,
dressing like I sell Arbonne.
I never asked you to do any of that.
No, you didn't, because that
would mean you communicated
your feelings to me, which you
are not doing, right now!
Instead, I'm trying to read your mind.
Which is going great.
Okay, I didn't think I needed
to tell you
not to air every detail of our
relationship, to the public.
That just seemed like something
you should know not to do.
Have you even listened to my show?
I don't need to, I get
a rundown from my partner
and everybody in Foxton.
Goin' in.
It's jackpot time, baby!
Get those daubers ready!
Are you ready to bingo-o-o?
I-17.
I-17.
Is this heaven, or do we have B-11?
B-11.
Trash!
Liar!
Woo! Yeah!
Suck it, Mr. Phelps!
Oh my God, what
do you call this again?
- Catharsis.
- Oh, fricking love catharsis!
Ah!
What the Hell are you doing?
N-36.
I've got a fix for N-36.
O
65! Ha.
O-65.
I'm callin' the cops.
You know what? Do it.
Do it, and we will tell them
that I didn't have a father,
and my mother didn't give
two ass-cracks about me,
and-and you took advantage
of my disadvantageness!
But you know what? Despite that,
I'm gonna go and I am gonna
get my GED,
and I am gonna show all of you!
So, go ahead! I will dial for you!
Wooo!
Now how do you feel?
Like I'm ready to take the GD, GED!
Hell yeah, you are!
Woo!
I-28.
I think that belongs to you.
I appreciate your help.
I just want you to know
that I mostly have
- everything under control.
- No, you don't.
Don't fill your shorts, Son.
I never had it under control either.
- Oh.
- This place is like a riptide.
Fight it and you drown.
You swim into it, you drown.
Trick is, let it drown ya,
then you can just float.
I-I don't know what that means.
- Me neither.
- Oh.
- But uh, I'm three hooks deep.
- Hooks?
Rum, Son. Rum.
O-69.
Get your mind outta the gutter, Lois,
you dirty, dirty girl. O-69!
You'll be okay,
it's just trial and error.
- Mostly error.
- N-41.
Keep it. It's yours.
Anybody got bingo? No?
I'll call the next number.
Is this thing for hammering?
That was a, that was a joke. Sorry.
If you want, I can show
you some stuff.
- Yeah.
- Just don't tell my wife.
- No.
- Or Rhian.
- Noooo.
- Okay.
Okay, next up, we've got an N-33.
- See ya around, Kid.
- See ya, Ken.
Under the G-46.
Once again, right under the G,
up to tricks, 46.
Anyone have bingo?
Could be right there
on your cards, folks.
Easy to miss.
Especially when you're not looking.
Oh.
I got it! I won.
- Name of the game is Bingo!
- Bingo?
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner!
Collect your prizes at the exit.
Hey, who's ready for another
round of B-I-N-G-O?!
You know what to do.
Straight back to the clubhouse.
That was a nice thing
you did for Oscar.
A complete betrayal of my trust.
But it was sweet.
So I'm gonna let it go.
He needed a hand. It was no big deal.
You gave him your most
sacred possession.
Seems like a big deal, to me.
It was just a wrench.
I used to worry you were
gonna leave me for that wrench.
- The way you used to fondle it.
- Yeah, nice kid.
He needs it more than I do.
- Sammy!
- Uh
What's the matter?
Is it that obvious?
I know my son's face
well enough to know
when something's wrong.
Uh, okay, um
I
I've been looking
for my biological mom.
And-and I didn't wanna tell you
but now I just feel bad
because I didn't, and-and
I wasn't trying to hide it
- but I
- Take a breath, Sweetie.
It's okay.
It's not about finding
my real parents, okay,
because you guys are my real parents,
and-and it's not because you
did anything wrong.
- Dad?
- You know
we always wondered
if you had any questions.
We were afraid to ask.
- We should've.
- We didn't wanna push you.
We always thought you'd come to us.
And now you have.
- So you're not upset?
- No! Never.
I just wanna know where I came from.
And-and I didn't want
you guys to think that
I was trying to replace you.
Oh, where else are you
gonna find two old hippies
up to their eyeballs in debt? Hmm?
I know it's-it's wrong, but uh
I was always a little glad
we never found her.
Even after all that looking in,
you know, hospitals, police.
It would've been so hard
to let you go.
I mean, impossible.
Our family wouldn't be a family
without you, Sammy.
Do you have any leads?
Yeah.
Do you have any clue what this is?
Ah, I haven't seen this
symbol in uh
20 years.
- So you recognize it?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I do.
Rhian was in her
"maximum security" phase,
after we let her watch "Serpico".
She tried to burn off
her fingerprints.
And she built a safe room
in the wood shed.
She took a picture of every vehicle
that came into the campground.
Ah, just in case there was a murder.
Ah, here it is.
That crazy church bus.
Christ on Wheels.
Well, it was basically
a delivery service,
but you got the Word of God
instead of pizza.
Yeah, run by a pastor and his wife.
They toured the south shore
looking for Christians on vacation.
Well, you can't force
people to go to church,
but you can chase them
down in a Jesus bus.
I mean it's hard to tell but
maybe she looks like me?
It's hard to say but I see
a license plate, Son.
Could check it out. Maybe get a name?
It's worth a shot, huh?
All right, results day! Let's do this!
Hey um, I'm freaking out.
I-I need some more of the uh
catharsis.
Did you save any eggs?
Doesn't work like that.
- It's time. Click the link.
- No, but see
if I don't click the link,
then I haven't passed,
or failed, and I am okay.
Like, the "Shoe Dinger's" cat.
But as soon as I click
the link, then I
Just click the link.
Click it. Click it!
Ah!
Huh! Rejected.
They won't even let me take the GED.
That's because you got a 98 percent
on your placement test, Crystal.
They won't let you take classes
because your test score
means you just got your diploma!
What?
Oh, my God!
Did I just graduate high school?
- 98 percent.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God!
I'm a freaking genius!
Those other idiots spent four
years going to high school,
and all I had to do
was throw some eggs!
Well what do I do now?
Like, getting my diploma
was sort of my whole plan.
I dunno, college?
A real career?
You can do whatever you want, Crystal.
You will jump for joy with me!
Come on!
Yeah! Ha, ha! Yes!!
Mornin' lovers.
I've got one question.
Is today gonna be another
marathon of the mundane?
Or should we venture
into the great unknown?
Okay, my new show, time
to flash the unknown my junk.
I have been hanging
on to a lot of baggage.
Mistakes.
And apparently an old
decorative pillow
that smells like hash and ass.
But the time has come for
a spiritual purge, people.
I'm gonna lay it all bare.
But don't think that
you're off the hook.
If you've been hanging on
to something,
whether it be an orphaned sock
from an ex,
a residual shame about the
taxidermy you beat off to.
Hit me up! Share your story.
I'll show you mine,
if you show me yours.
Welcome to the first official episode
of "Milk Crate Confessionals."
Where're you goin'?
Come on!
Sammy, my man!
Crystal said I was inside
too much playing video games.
This is what I call a workaround.
- I talked to Mom and Dad.
- Good for you, Bro.
- They cool?
- Yeah, they were
kinda the best.
And-and Dad dug up a license plate
he thinks had something
to do with my birth mom.
Detective Bros back on the case?
- Yeah.
- Oh! I betcha Terry
would totally run the plates
for us on the DL.
Maybe see if it's registered
to an address, and then we
Already did.
Got a name. And an address.
Violà Arnold.
Yeah.
That could be her, Ry.
That could be my birth mom.
This is huge!
Yeah! Yeah, it is.
So, the money is at the clubhouse,
safe and sound.
You can um, drop by and
grab your cut whenever.
My cut? I like the sound of that.
I have to say, for someone
who didn't know
what money laundering was a day ago,
you're a natural.
Yeah? I'm worried.
Worried, why?
Because I kinda loved it.
- Ah.
- The thrill, the risk.
The adrenaline.
- Ooh, felt like I was on drugs.
- Hmm.
- First-crime-high.
- Hmm, technically second.
Better be careful.
You'll get hooked.
Start chasin' the dragon.