Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e03 Episode Script
Stark Raving Mork
Nanu, nanu.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( joyful theme playing ) ( imitates drill ) Mork, what did you do to the toaster? I'm preparing for that day when you throw me out with ( Southern accent ) nothin' but a fine-toothed comb.
When you go, you're taking a ski, a slipper, and half a toaster? Yes, indeed.
Don't you think that I read the papers and watch the TV? Listen, when I leave, I'm suing you for half of everything you own.
It's called "community property," baby.
It's called the "Marvin Syndrome.
" Well, I get half of everything you own, too, you know? Oh, so big deal.
Half of your Billy Barty poster.
If you just take the top half, I still have a poster.
And I want half of your three bags of sand.
Oh, no.
Now it's alimony.
Please, don't throw me out.
I'll do anything you want.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, look, Mork why were you worried that I was going to ask you to leave? Did I say something or do something? I've been reading the s-ss-ss I've been reading the s-ss-ss I looked at the figures on divorce, and the odds are against any couple staying together forever.
Yeah, I know.
I think that's kind of sad.
That's probably because when people first get together, they're just crazy about each other, and then as time wears on, the excitement kind of wears off.
I'm still crazy about you.
And I'm still crazy about you, too.
Good, then we have nothing to fear but sanity itself.
You've got nothing to worry about.
Mindy, promise me that things will always stay exciting for us.
Oh, Mork, I can't because they won't.
But I think of it as getting comfortable, not humdrum.
What a coincidence.
I used to play humdrum in my school band.
I bet you did.
( humming ) I'll bet you were great on the national anthem.
The Orkan anthem has no music.
It's three minutes of sucking through your teeth.
( sucking ) Yeah, well, you can't dance to ours either.
Hey, listen, do you want to meet me for lunch this afternoon? Well, no, you see, Mr.
Bickley invited me down to the mall to this new Italian restaurant called Della Contessa.
I think that's delicatessen.
( Italian accent ) Doesn't sound very Italian.
It's owned by my girlfriend Jeanie and her brother.
Bickley took me there and stuck me with lunch.
Hope you didn't have shish kebab.
Ar, ar.
Well, I gotta go to class.
Okay, Mork, I'll tell you what.
I'll do my part to keep this relationship exciting.
Tonight I will make us a romantic little Italian dinner for two.
Well, I'll do my part in trying to keep the it exciting.
Tonight I'll put a bomb in your cannoli.
( joyful theme playing ) ( clattering ) Snippy.
Inconsiderate.
Ungrateful chowderhead.
Pigheaded, overbearing, ungrateful pea brain.
I knew we shouldn't have moved out here.
What do you mean? We would have had the same argument in New York.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, there, I could have given you a little pop.
Here, I get arrested for "violatin' your space.
" Remo, remind me when I become a doctor to open up your skull and see what makes ya thick.
Ah.
( sighs ) ( bell dings ) Enjoy.
May I help you? Yeah.
I'd like the bacon, lettuce, and tomato, with coleslaw and a cup of coffee, please.
One BLT, one slaw, one java.
Hi.
How may I help you? May I ask you a question? Oh, I'm sorry.
Everything's good.
That's not the question.
Um, do all the waitresses and cooks fight like you two? Only when the waitress has a brother with all the class of a Gong Show reject.
What would you like to eat? Well, I'd like a squealer on a honky no goyam and a side of John darks.
What? Oh, it's a ham on white, no mayonnaise, with lots of french fries.
A number 3.
Excuse me.
What are you fighting about? Okay, look Remo was the last one out last night, and he forgot to lock up this place.
You know, it's like he wants us to get robbed so we'll have to close it and move back to the Bronx.
You live with the Denver Broncos? Hello, Mork.
Bickley.
Bick, my main grump, what's happening? Hey, Mr.
Bickley, what'll it be today? Uh, I think I'll have the fried chicken and a bowl of chili, all to go.
MORK: I'll get it.
Chirp and a burp.
Hotshot.
Fire one.
Oh, thanks, Bickley, for inviting me out to lunch.
Yeah, I'm a prince.
It seems like that waitress knows you.
Jeanie? She should.
I've brought a new customer in here every day for lunch since they opened.
I hate to tell you this, they're having a terrible fight.
Oh, yeah? Great.
I love floor shows.
I thought it's bad to fight with someone you care about.
Nah.
It's a great way to keep a relationship fresh and exciting.
Oh, exciting.
Mindy and I never had a fight.
Really? My wife and I used to fight like cats and dogs.
She'd throw a plate at me, and I'd call her mother filthy names.
And then she'd slam my lips in a drawer.
Boy, those were the days.
Uh, okay, number three here, and a chirp and burp.
( chuckles ) Bick, you think Mindy and I can keep our relationship exciting like you and your wife? Sure.
The best thing two young kids could do is have a real rousing, knock-down, drag-out fight.
Since you live upstairs from me, make it a quiet one.
Were to.
I was not the last one out last night.
You were.
I was not.
( in unison ) You were.
REMO: You were.
Remember you left one of your stupid medical books in the kitchen.
You came back to get it.
What do you mean my medical books are stupid? You should talk with all the dumb muscle magazines you read.
What dumb muscle magazines? Those are physical fitness manuals.
Muscle, muscle, muscle.
Don't push me.
'Cause I'll do what you hate.
Oh, Remo, go flex yourself.
Okay, that's it.
Fingernails on the blackboard.
( screeching ) Ah.
Remo.
I don't know why I'm sendi" you through medical school.
I mean, how are you gonna look at a lung if you can't look at a blackboard? Lungs don't squeak.
Ow.
What happened? Oh, I cut my finger on that dumb cheese grater.
Oh, come on, you big baby.
It's just a scratch.
What do you mean, a scratch? That's a gash.
Gashes almost always bleed.
Well, give it a minute.
Remo, look.
Sit down here.
You know, you gotta be more careful with that thing.
Yeah, I know.
I just get in a hurry sometimes.
Why, well, take it easy.
Look, you sit here, have a soda, and I'll finish up with this stuff, okay? Hey, come here.
Thanks, short stuff.
Anytime.
Ow.
You starin' at me? Yup.
Yuh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You got some sort of problem, buddy? Yes.
What's your name? Mork.
Run that by me one more time.
( deep voice ) I said Mork, already.
Mork Allreddi? You Italian? Astral hatchling.
New York, the east side.
New Ork, dark side.
Hey.
How are ya? Nanu.
Yeah, na Yeah, nanu? Well, it's nice to know ya.
It's nice to be known.
Could I ask you something personal? How personal is it? It's about your sister.
Forget it, she's a med student.
She'd only be interested in your pancreas.
What I'd like to know is, you two were fighting hard, then you stopped.
Why? Oh, I cut my finger, and she's a sucker for blood.
Oh, vampire, eh? Not your type, O.
Ar, ar.
Will you keep on fighting? Well, we're gonna have fights.
But it's a way to get rid of pent-up frustrations.
Oh, so these fights can be valuable? Sure.
You argue, and then you kiss and you make up.
Whoa-oa-oa.
That sounds great.
Who knows? If you have a real big fight ( upbeat theme playing ) Ah.
Mork.
You scared me to death.
Well, I'm glad you're home.
Dinner's almost ready.
Why don't you sit down, and I'll set it up.
There's a little extra spaghetti sauce on the table if you want some more.
And let's get the garlic rolls, and we'll be all set.
You expect me to eat this slop? What is going on? You talk about more of the same.
Déjà slop.
What are you doing? I'm putting your buns in orbit, that's what I'm doing.
What is wrong with you? I'm tired of eating food that the airlines would turn down.
I've seen cockroaches go, "no way!" I thought you liked my cooking.
You had a thought? Ar, ar, ar, ar.
Didn't think there was anything under that barbie-doll hairdo.
Whoa, look: Echo.
Echo.
Echo.
Why don't you shave it all off and get yourself a mohawk? It would draw attention away from your nose.
My nose.
What's wrong with my nose? It's shiksa city.
And your feet.
Whoa.
Where do you get your shoes? Barnum and Bailey? Ah, ah, ah.
And what's that wonderful fragrance? Oh, no, Old Spice.
Ship ahoy, ship ahoy Maybe it's Indian leather.
( Indian accent ) We make a fragrance from the cow that has been dead for four days and lying in the sun.
Oh, Mindy, don't whimper.
It makes you look like a Pekingese with asthma.
( panting ) It makes your eyes look even closer together.
( squeals ) Okay, it's your turn.
Oh, Mork.
I just can't believe ( sobbing ) Boy, this is gonna be great.
( triumphant theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) Mindy.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Min.
It was the best fight I've ever seen.
Was it good for you too? Come on, now, it's time to kiss and make up.
Kiss and make up? I wouldn't kiss you if you were the only alien on earth.
I think I am.
Well, there's your proof.
So, you don't like my cooking, huh? Well, if you don't like it, why don't you get off your face and cook something for yourself? Yeah.
You don't know it's not that easy to be living with a monster from outer space.
Most guys just leave the cap off the toothpaste, right? You eat it.
Okay, fight's over.
King's X.
Fight's over, my foot.
So, you don't like my hairstyle, huh? Well, Mr.
Taste, where'd you get these rags, a fire sale at Disney World? She didn't mean it.
Oh, and by the way, since we're into honesty, I'd like to inform you that your normal voice sounds like Truman Capote on helium.
( imitating Mork ) I'm Mork from Ork.
Nanu, nanu.
( normal voice ) But you can just call me space turkey.
Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar.
Ow.
Ow.
See, I'm I'm cutting myself.
Look, look, no blood.
There will be.
Blood, blood.
Bleed, bleed.
Mork, that's such a shame.
We'll have to have that taken care of.
I'll call the veterinarian.
Mindy, I think I've made a mistake.
You made the mistake? I made the mistake.
I should have listened to my father.
I never should have let you move in here.
If he told me once, he told me a million times: "Mindy, stick to your own species.
" I guess I'll just go up to bed.
Go up to bed, my foot.
There is an egg leaving in 10 minutes.
Be in it.
Mindy.
My lips aren't that long.
Min, Min, Min.
( knock on door ) REMO: Hey, we're closed.
You gotta help me, please.
It's a matter of life and death.
Look, was there an accident? If anyone's hurt, I hope it's below the knee 'cause that's all I've studied.
There was no accident, but two people really got hurt.
Look, sit down, and just tell us what happened.
Please.
Well, you know, um I live with a very beautiful, wonderful girl named Mindy.
Min Oh, I know Mindy.
You must be Mork.
Oh, yeah, um, and she's fantastic for me, and we've never had a fight before.
Today I saw you two having a fight.
You said after the fight you kiss and make up.
So I went home and tried it, but things didn't work out.
So she got mad and threw me out of the house.
And you can't kiss through a tiny lock unless you have little, little lips.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You mean, you started a fight, but you weren't mad at her? You're supposed to be mad? Whoa.
Oh, no.
It sounded like a wonderful game.
I think I've ruined a wonderful thing.
Maybe you can go talk to her, negotiate.
You'll be Kissinger, I'll be Sadat, she'll be Begin.
Look, don't worry about it.
Let me go and try and talk to Mindy, and see if I can explain things to her.
And why don't you talk to our friend here about apologies? Hey, uh, it occurs to me that we haven't been formally introdu My name is Remo Da Vinci.
Oh, Leonardo's boy.
Yeah, Leo's my pop.
Look, um Mork When you, like, try and imitate me, you know, you gotta understand something.
Yo, yo, yo.
I'm a complex type of guy.
I operate on a whole bunch of different levels.
Kind of like a surgeon in an elevator.
You see, when my sister and I yell at each other, we're not really mad.
And sometimes when people fight, you know, um They go too far like you did.
And then there's got to be an apology, you know.
So we're gonna make one up for ya.
How do you do that? There are a couple of different ways you go on this apology thing.
Um Oh, I don't know, you could, uh Oh.
You could you could get her some flowers, or or maybe you could send her some candy.
That'd be all right.
That's no good.
All the stores are closed by now.
There must be some other way.
Well, the best way is to I don't know, just to just to get a really big apology, you know.
You're gonna have to swallow your pride ( gulps ) You take a deep breath ( inhales ) And you just say, "I'm sorry.
" ( high-pitched voice ) I'm sorry.
Look, just say you're sorry, like in your normal way.
Oh.
Go ahead.
Oh, Mindy, I'm sorry.
I'm snake spit, I'm nothing, I'm low.
All right, all right.
I forgive you.
Then we can kiss and make up.
No, don't kiss me.
( melodramatic theme playing ) Mindy, I got to apologize, 'cause the fight you had with Mork was all my fault.
Actually, it was Remo's and my fault.
Actually, it was all Remo's fault.
Come on, Jeanie, how do you figure that? Remo convinced Mork that fighting was the best way to work out problems.
Mork wasn't even angry.
He wasn't? You know, all Mork said to me is that he wanted to keep things exciting between you two.
That's it.
Mork said that? That's what he said.
Oh, brother.
I should've known.
I mean, Mork really isn't capable of losing his temper.
I don't know Mork that well, but right now, he's out there somewhere trying to figure out how to apologize.
Mindy and I had our first fight.
Congratulations.
No, it was horrible.
I did the things like you said.
I called her awful stuff, she called me terrible stuff, then she locked me out.
Sounds like a reasonable first fight to me.
Has a good beat, easy to yell to.
I give it a 7.
( laughs ) But I need your help, Bick.
You see, y-you know more about fighting than anyone I know.
How did you and your wife get to kiss and make up? We never did.
Is that the way you're supposed to end an argument? It is, but ours never ended.
It started the day we got married, and went on for 15 solid years without a letup.
Oh, then what happened? One day, she threw me out of the house, locked the door, and I never saw her again.
Maybe you could help me write an apology of some sort.
Apologize? That's the worst thing you can do.
It's like admitting you were wrong.
But I was wrong.
Well, all the more reason to lie.
All right.
Let me write that down.
Look, it depends on the situation.
Once I missed our anniversary dinner.
I told my wife I forgot.
But in a really tough spot, I always rely on natural disasters.
Disasters.
Late for a meeting, freak thunderstorm.
Don't wanna go to your mother-in-law's house, avalanche.
If that doesn't work, can I get a card? Maybe that'll help too.
All right, if you think it'll do you any good.
I think I've got a Here.
Here's an apology card for you.
Aw, thanks, Bick.
( knocking on door ) I bet I know who that is.
I bet I do too.
Now, Mindy, you give this guy a chance to apologize, 'cause it's the only thing that's gonna make him feel any better about this.
's okay? 's okay.
's all right? 's all right.
Okay, open the door.
Jeanie, thanks.
You're welcome.
Mork, Jeanie and I ( groaning ) Where am I? Where am I? What have I done? Who am I? Mork Thank you.
Who are you? Mindy.
That's who you are.
Mindy.
And you wouldn't believe this, Mindy, I've had amnesia for the last 24 hours.
And I hope I haven't said or done anything real stupid.
You've had what? Oh, no.
It's catching.
You poor little thing.
Mork.
I don't have amnesia, and you don't have amnesia.
Well, not now.
It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.
I'm free.
You saved me.
You touched me, and I'm born again.
I'm not buying it.
You're not buying it? No.
All right, the reason I I said all those awful things was, well There was a tidal wave.
It picked me up.
It just grabbed me.
I was in the middle of this great big wa ( imitating surfer ) it was really mellow.
'cause I caught the wave.
There I was about to be tubed, and I said, "wow.
I'm there.
" And I'm goin' down the side of this huge wave, and I said, "wow.
Denver or bust.
" You know? It's gonna be incredible.
That's amazing, Mork, because the nearest ocean is over a thousand miles away.
A thousand miles away.
A long way.
Well, the real reason I said those things is, you know, it's a full moon.
Look what happened.
See? Already it's taking effect.
And I-I'm a weremork.
I hate to tell you that, Mindy.
( growling ) I believe this one, Mork.
Tidal waves, full moons, and you're a weremork.
You believe it? Then let's kiss and make up.
Mork, come on.
Now, I thought our friendship was built on honesty.
Don't you feel bad for making up these stupid stories? Yeah, I guess I should buy a house in San Clemente.
Mork, if you're trying to apologize to me, why don't you just say what you feel in your heart? And if you do, I just might accept, and, uh, maybe we can kiss and make up.
Really? Because I've got a lot of ways to apologize.
Here they are.
Oh-oh.
What's this? It's my "bag," you know? I got you these chocolate kisses.
Be careful though, they leave little brown hickeys.
That's all right, Mork.
I accept your apology.
Wait, I still have some more ways to apologize.
Here's a card that Mr.
Bickley wrote me.
( clears throat ) "Hearing you were sickly, sailor, made my timbers shiver.
Hope you're getting over cirrhosis of the liver.
" Mork, that isn't an apology card.
Well, I saved the best for last.
I really misunderstood about fighting.
And I didn't know those things I was saying would be so awful, and I never meant them.
I'll never, ever say them again as as long as I'm here.
Will you forgive me? I forgive you, Mork.
Now, have we gone through all the possible apologies? The four possible ways to apologize on earth, but then there are the 83 Orkan methods.
Mork, I forgive you.
Oh, no.
I have to suck my teeth through 10 choruses of the Orkan national anthem.
Then I beat myself with a canary, then we go to Las Vegas, I pretend my right arm is longer than left.
Mork I forgive you.
Then we have to Don't press your luck.
( upbeat theme playing ) MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Yo, great cosmic pachyderm.
( whistles ) I'm glad you called, Mork.
The committee would like you to study something on earth called the "nuclear family.
" Sir, are those the ones who have all the bombs? No.
I'm talking about a mother, a father, a sister, and a brother.
Well, sir, I'm halfway there.
I met a sister and a brother, and they own a food factory called a "delicatessen.
" What do they manufacture? Oh, a wonderful thing called "sandwiches," sir.
I'm sending you today's special in the express egg.
It's a pastrami on rye with mayo.
Thank you, Mork.
Sir.
Now, what happened with this family you met? Well, sir, I understand why you call them nuclear, because as soon as I met them, they blew up.
It must have been exceedingly messy.
Oh, it was, sir.
It caused a chain reaction, then Mindy and I had a fight.
Did you explode? No, sir, the both of us got hurt.
See, what happened is, sir, I pretended to be mad, but then she really got mad.
Did she knock the stuffing out of you? No, sir, you see it wasn't a physical fight.
Here on earth, sometimes people throw words instead of punches, and it can be much more painful.
That's why it's easier for a broken arm to mend than it is for a broken heart.
This is Mork signing off until next week, sir.
Nanu, nanu.
( imitating drumroll ) ( humming drum march ) ( march theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing ) ( joyful theme playing ) ( imitates drill ) Mork, what did you do to the toaster? I'm preparing for that day when you throw me out with ( Southern accent ) nothin' but a fine-toothed comb.
When you go, you're taking a ski, a slipper, and half a toaster? Yes, indeed.
Don't you think that I read the papers and watch the TV? Listen, when I leave, I'm suing you for half of everything you own.
It's called "community property," baby.
It's called the "Marvin Syndrome.
" Well, I get half of everything you own, too, you know? Oh, so big deal.
Half of your Billy Barty poster.
If you just take the top half, I still have a poster.
And I want half of your three bags of sand.
Oh, no.
Now it's alimony.
Please, don't throw me out.
I'll do anything you want.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, look, Mork why were you worried that I was going to ask you to leave? Did I say something or do something? I've been reading the s-ss-ss I've been reading the s-ss-ss I looked at the figures on divorce, and the odds are against any couple staying together forever.
Yeah, I know.
I think that's kind of sad.
That's probably because when people first get together, they're just crazy about each other, and then as time wears on, the excitement kind of wears off.
I'm still crazy about you.
And I'm still crazy about you, too.
Good, then we have nothing to fear but sanity itself.
You've got nothing to worry about.
Mindy, promise me that things will always stay exciting for us.
Oh, Mork, I can't because they won't.
But I think of it as getting comfortable, not humdrum.
What a coincidence.
I used to play humdrum in my school band.
I bet you did.
( humming ) I'll bet you were great on the national anthem.
The Orkan anthem has no music.
It's three minutes of sucking through your teeth.
( sucking ) Yeah, well, you can't dance to ours either.
Hey, listen, do you want to meet me for lunch this afternoon? Well, no, you see, Mr.
Bickley invited me down to the mall to this new Italian restaurant called Della Contessa.
I think that's delicatessen.
( Italian accent ) Doesn't sound very Italian.
It's owned by my girlfriend Jeanie and her brother.
Bickley took me there and stuck me with lunch.
Hope you didn't have shish kebab.
Ar, ar.
Well, I gotta go to class.
Okay, Mork, I'll tell you what.
I'll do my part to keep this relationship exciting.
Tonight I will make us a romantic little Italian dinner for two.
Well, I'll do my part in trying to keep the it exciting.
Tonight I'll put a bomb in your cannoli.
( joyful theme playing ) ( clattering ) Snippy.
Inconsiderate.
Ungrateful chowderhead.
Pigheaded, overbearing, ungrateful pea brain.
I knew we shouldn't have moved out here.
What do you mean? We would have had the same argument in New York.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, there, I could have given you a little pop.
Here, I get arrested for "violatin' your space.
" Remo, remind me when I become a doctor to open up your skull and see what makes ya thick.
Ah.
( sighs ) ( bell dings ) Enjoy.
May I help you? Yeah.
I'd like the bacon, lettuce, and tomato, with coleslaw and a cup of coffee, please.
One BLT, one slaw, one java.
Hi.
How may I help you? May I ask you a question? Oh, I'm sorry.
Everything's good.
That's not the question.
Um, do all the waitresses and cooks fight like you two? Only when the waitress has a brother with all the class of a Gong Show reject.
What would you like to eat? Well, I'd like a squealer on a honky no goyam and a side of John darks.
What? Oh, it's a ham on white, no mayonnaise, with lots of french fries.
A number 3.
Excuse me.
What are you fighting about? Okay, look Remo was the last one out last night, and he forgot to lock up this place.
You know, it's like he wants us to get robbed so we'll have to close it and move back to the Bronx.
You live with the Denver Broncos? Hello, Mork.
Bickley.
Bick, my main grump, what's happening? Hey, Mr.
Bickley, what'll it be today? Uh, I think I'll have the fried chicken and a bowl of chili, all to go.
MORK: I'll get it.
Chirp and a burp.
Hotshot.
Fire one.
Oh, thanks, Bickley, for inviting me out to lunch.
Yeah, I'm a prince.
It seems like that waitress knows you.
Jeanie? She should.
I've brought a new customer in here every day for lunch since they opened.
I hate to tell you this, they're having a terrible fight.
Oh, yeah? Great.
I love floor shows.
I thought it's bad to fight with someone you care about.
Nah.
It's a great way to keep a relationship fresh and exciting.
Oh, exciting.
Mindy and I never had a fight.
Really? My wife and I used to fight like cats and dogs.
She'd throw a plate at me, and I'd call her mother filthy names.
And then she'd slam my lips in a drawer.
Boy, those were the days.
Uh, okay, number three here, and a chirp and burp.
( chuckles ) Bick, you think Mindy and I can keep our relationship exciting like you and your wife? Sure.
The best thing two young kids could do is have a real rousing, knock-down, drag-out fight.
Since you live upstairs from me, make it a quiet one.
Were to.
I was not the last one out last night.
You were.
I was not.
( in unison ) You were.
REMO: You were.
Remember you left one of your stupid medical books in the kitchen.
You came back to get it.
What do you mean my medical books are stupid? You should talk with all the dumb muscle magazines you read.
What dumb muscle magazines? Those are physical fitness manuals.
Muscle, muscle, muscle.
Don't push me.
'Cause I'll do what you hate.
Oh, Remo, go flex yourself.
Okay, that's it.
Fingernails on the blackboard.
( screeching ) Ah.
Remo.
I don't know why I'm sendi" you through medical school.
I mean, how are you gonna look at a lung if you can't look at a blackboard? Lungs don't squeak.
Ow.
What happened? Oh, I cut my finger on that dumb cheese grater.
Oh, come on, you big baby.
It's just a scratch.
What do you mean, a scratch? That's a gash.
Gashes almost always bleed.
Well, give it a minute.
Remo, look.
Sit down here.
You know, you gotta be more careful with that thing.
Yeah, I know.
I just get in a hurry sometimes.
Why, well, take it easy.
Look, you sit here, have a soda, and I'll finish up with this stuff, okay? Hey, come here.
Thanks, short stuff.
Anytime.
Ow.
You starin' at me? Yup.
Yuh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You got some sort of problem, buddy? Yes.
What's your name? Mork.
Run that by me one more time.
( deep voice ) I said Mork, already.
Mork Allreddi? You Italian? Astral hatchling.
New York, the east side.
New Ork, dark side.
Hey.
How are ya? Nanu.
Yeah, na Yeah, nanu? Well, it's nice to know ya.
It's nice to be known.
Could I ask you something personal? How personal is it? It's about your sister.
Forget it, she's a med student.
She'd only be interested in your pancreas.
What I'd like to know is, you two were fighting hard, then you stopped.
Why? Oh, I cut my finger, and she's a sucker for blood.
Oh, vampire, eh? Not your type, O.
Ar, ar.
Will you keep on fighting? Well, we're gonna have fights.
But it's a way to get rid of pent-up frustrations.
Oh, so these fights can be valuable? Sure.
You argue, and then you kiss and you make up.
Whoa-oa-oa.
That sounds great.
Who knows? If you have a real big fight ( upbeat theme playing ) Ah.
Mork.
You scared me to death.
Well, I'm glad you're home.
Dinner's almost ready.
Why don't you sit down, and I'll set it up.
There's a little extra spaghetti sauce on the table if you want some more.
And let's get the garlic rolls, and we'll be all set.
You expect me to eat this slop? What is going on? You talk about more of the same.
Déjà slop.
What are you doing? I'm putting your buns in orbit, that's what I'm doing.
What is wrong with you? I'm tired of eating food that the airlines would turn down.
I've seen cockroaches go, "no way!" I thought you liked my cooking.
You had a thought? Ar, ar, ar, ar.
Didn't think there was anything under that barbie-doll hairdo.
Whoa, look: Echo.
Echo.
Echo.
Why don't you shave it all off and get yourself a mohawk? It would draw attention away from your nose.
My nose.
What's wrong with my nose? It's shiksa city.
And your feet.
Whoa.
Where do you get your shoes? Barnum and Bailey? Ah, ah, ah.
And what's that wonderful fragrance? Oh, no, Old Spice.
Ship ahoy, ship ahoy Maybe it's Indian leather.
( Indian accent ) We make a fragrance from the cow that has been dead for four days and lying in the sun.
Oh, Mindy, don't whimper.
It makes you look like a Pekingese with asthma.
( panting ) It makes your eyes look even closer together.
( squeals ) Okay, it's your turn.
Oh, Mork.
I just can't believe ( sobbing ) Boy, this is gonna be great.
( triumphant theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) Mindy.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Min.
It was the best fight I've ever seen.
Was it good for you too? Come on, now, it's time to kiss and make up.
Kiss and make up? I wouldn't kiss you if you were the only alien on earth.
I think I am.
Well, there's your proof.
So, you don't like my cooking, huh? Well, if you don't like it, why don't you get off your face and cook something for yourself? Yeah.
You don't know it's not that easy to be living with a monster from outer space.
Most guys just leave the cap off the toothpaste, right? You eat it.
Okay, fight's over.
King's X.
Fight's over, my foot.
So, you don't like my hairstyle, huh? Well, Mr.
Taste, where'd you get these rags, a fire sale at Disney World? She didn't mean it.
Oh, and by the way, since we're into honesty, I'd like to inform you that your normal voice sounds like Truman Capote on helium.
( imitating Mork ) I'm Mork from Ork.
Nanu, nanu.
( normal voice ) But you can just call me space turkey.
Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar.
Ow.
Ow.
See, I'm I'm cutting myself.
Look, look, no blood.
There will be.
Blood, blood.
Bleed, bleed.
Mork, that's such a shame.
We'll have to have that taken care of.
I'll call the veterinarian.
Mindy, I think I've made a mistake.
You made the mistake? I made the mistake.
I should have listened to my father.
I never should have let you move in here.
If he told me once, he told me a million times: "Mindy, stick to your own species.
" I guess I'll just go up to bed.
Go up to bed, my foot.
There is an egg leaving in 10 minutes.
Be in it.
Mindy.
My lips aren't that long.
Min, Min, Min.
( knock on door ) REMO: Hey, we're closed.
You gotta help me, please.
It's a matter of life and death.
Look, was there an accident? If anyone's hurt, I hope it's below the knee 'cause that's all I've studied.
There was no accident, but two people really got hurt.
Look, sit down, and just tell us what happened.
Please.
Well, you know, um I live with a very beautiful, wonderful girl named Mindy.
Min Oh, I know Mindy.
You must be Mork.
Oh, yeah, um, and she's fantastic for me, and we've never had a fight before.
Today I saw you two having a fight.
You said after the fight you kiss and make up.
So I went home and tried it, but things didn't work out.
So she got mad and threw me out of the house.
And you can't kiss through a tiny lock unless you have little, little lips.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You mean, you started a fight, but you weren't mad at her? You're supposed to be mad? Whoa.
Oh, no.
It sounded like a wonderful game.
I think I've ruined a wonderful thing.
Maybe you can go talk to her, negotiate.
You'll be Kissinger, I'll be Sadat, she'll be Begin.
Look, don't worry about it.
Let me go and try and talk to Mindy, and see if I can explain things to her.
And why don't you talk to our friend here about apologies? Hey, uh, it occurs to me that we haven't been formally introdu My name is Remo Da Vinci.
Oh, Leonardo's boy.
Yeah, Leo's my pop.
Look, um Mork When you, like, try and imitate me, you know, you gotta understand something.
Yo, yo, yo.
I'm a complex type of guy.
I operate on a whole bunch of different levels.
Kind of like a surgeon in an elevator.
You see, when my sister and I yell at each other, we're not really mad.
And sometimes when people fight, you know, um They go too far like you did.
And then there's got to be an apology, you know.
So we're gonna make one up for ya.
How do you do that? There are a couple of different ways you go on this apology thing.
Um Oh, I don't know, you could, uh Oh.
You could you could get her some flowers, or or maybe you could send her some candy.
That'd be all right.
That's no good.
All the stores are closed by now.
There must be some other way.
Well, the best way is to I don't know, just to just to get a really big apology, you know.
You're gonna have to swallow your pride ( gulps ) You take a deep breath ( inhales ) And you just say, "I'm sorry.
" ( high-pitched voice ) I'm sorry.
Look, just say you're sorry, like in your normal way.
Oh.
Go ahead.
Oh, Mindy, I'm sorry.
I'm snake spit, I'm nothing, I'm low.
All right, all right.
I forgive you.
Then we can kiss and make up.
No, don't kiss me.
( melodramatic theme playing ) Mindy, I got to apologize, 'cause the fight you had with Mork was all my fault.
Actually, it was Remo's and my fault.
Actually, it was all Remo's fault.
Come on, Jeanie, how do you figure that? Remo convinced Mork that fighting was the best way to work out problems.
Mork wasn't even angry.
He wasn't? You know, all Mork said to me is that he wanted to keep things exciting between you two.
That's it.
Mork said that? That's what he said.
Oh, brother.
I should've known.
I mean, Mork really isn't capable of losing his temper.
I don't know Mork that well, but right now, he's out there somewhere trying to figure out how to apologize.
Mindy and I had our first fight.
Congratulations.
No, it was horrible.
I did the things like you said.
I called her awful stuff, she called me terrible stuff, then she locked me out.
Sounds like a reasonable first fight to me.
Has a good beat, easy to yell to.
I give it a 7.
( laughs ) But I need your help, Bick.
You see, y-you know more about fighting than anyone I know.
How did you and your wife get to kiss and make up? We never did.
Is that the way you're supposed to end an argument? It is, but ours never ended.
It started the day we got married, and went on for 15 solid years without a letup.
Oh, then what happened? One day, she threw me out of the house, locked the door, and I never saw her again.
Maybe you could help me write an apology of some sort.
Apologize? That's the worst thing you can do.
It's like admitting you were wrong.
But I was wrong.
Well, all the more reason to lie.
All right.
Let me write that down.
Look, it depends on the situation.
Once I missed our anniversary dinner.
I told my wife I forgot.
But in a really tough spot, I always rely on natural disasters.
Disasters.
Late for a meeting, freak thunderstorm.
Don't wanna go to your mother-in-law's house, avalanche.
If that doesn't work, can I get a card? Maybe that'll help too.
All right, if you think it'll do you any good.
I think I've got a Here.
Here's an apology card for you.
Aw, thanks, Bick.
( knocking on door ) I bet I know who that is.
I bet I do too.
Now, Mindy, you give this guy a chance to apologize, 'cause it's the only thing that's gonna make him feel any better about this.
's okay? 's okay.
's all right? 's all right.
Okay, open the door.
Jeanie, thanks.
You're welcome.
Mork, Jeanie and I ( groaning ) Where am I? Where am I? What have I done? Who am I? Mork Thank you.
Who are you? Mindy.
That's who you are.
Mindy.
And you wouldn't believe this, Mindy, I've had amnesia for the last 24 hours.
And I hope I haven't said or done anything real stupid.
You've had what? Oh, no.
It's catching.
You poor little thing.
Mork.
I don't have amnesia, and you don't have amnesia.
Well, not now.
It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.
I'm free.
You saved me.
You touched me, and I'm born again.
I'm not buying it.
You're not buying it? No.
All right, the reason I I said all those awful things was, well There was a tidal wave.
It picked me up.
It just grabbed me.
I was in the middle of this great big wa ( imitating surfer ) it was really mellow.
'cause I caught the wave.
There I was about to be tubed, and I said, "wow.
I'm there.
" And I'm goin' down the side of this huge wave, and I said, "wow.
Denver or bust.
" You know? It's gonna be incredible.
That's amazing, Mork, because the nearest ocean is over a thousand miles away.
A thousand miles away.
A long way.
Well, the real reason I said those things is, you know, it's a full moon.
Look what happened.
See? Already it's taking effect.
And I-I'm a weremork.
I hate to tell you that, Mindy.
( growling ) I believe this one, Mork.
Tidal waves, full moons, and you're a weremork.
You believe it? Then let's kiss and make up.
Mork, come on.
Now, I thought our friendship was built on honesty.
Don't you feel bad for making up these stupid stories? Yeah, I guess I should buy a house in San Clemente.
Mork, if you're trying to apologize to me, why don't you just say what you feel in your heart? And if you do, I just might accept, and, uh, maybe we can kiss and make up.
Really? Because I've got a lot of ways to apologize.
Here they are.
Oh-oh.
What's this? It's my "bag," you know? I got you these chocolate kisses.
Be careful though, they leave little brown hickeys.
That's all right, Mork.
I accept your apology.
Wait, I still have some more ways to apologize.
Here's a card that Mr.
Bickley wrote me.
( clears throat ) "Hearing you were sickly, sailor, made my timbers shiver.
Hope you're getting over cirrhosis of the liver.
" Mork, that isn't an apology card.
Well, I saved the best for last.
I really misunderstood about fighting.
And I didn't know those things I was saying would be so awful, and I never meant them.
I'll never, ever say them again as as long as I'm here.
Will you forgive me? I forgive you, Mork.
Now, have we gone through all the possible apologies? The four possible ways to apologize on earth, but then there are the 83 Orkan methods.
Mork, I forgive you.
Oh, no.
I have to suck my teeth through 10 choruses of the Orkan national anthem.
Then I beat myself with a canary, then we go to Las Vegas, I pretend my right arm is longer than left.
Mork I forgive you.
Then we have to Don't press your luck.
( upbeat theme playing ) MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Yo, great cosmic pachyderm.
( whistles ) I'm glad you called, Mork.
The committee would like you to study something on earth called the "nuclear family.
" Sir, are those the ones who have all the bombs? No.
I'm talking about a mother, a father, a sister, and a brother.
Well, sir, I'm halfway there.
I met a sister and a brother, and they own a food factory called a "delicatessen.
" What do they manufacture? Oh, a wonderful thing called "sandwiches," sir.
I'm sending you today's special in the express egg.
It's a pastrami on rye with mayo.
Thank you, Mork.
Sir.
Now, what happened with this family you met? Well, sir, I understand why you call them nuclear, because as soon as I met them, they blew up.
It must have been exceedingly messy.
Oh, it was, sir.
It caused a chain reaction, then Mindy and I had a fight.
Did you explode? No, sir, the both of us got hurt.
See, what happened is, sir, I pretended to be mad, but then she really got mad.
Did she knock the stuffing out of you? No, sir, you see it wasn't a physical fight.
Here on earth, sometimes people throw words instead of punches, and it can be much more painful.
That's why it's easier for a broken arm to mend than it is for a broken heart.
This is Mork signing off until next week, sir.
Nanu, nanu.
( imitating drumroll ) ( humming drum march ) ( march theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )