Mulligan (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[patriotic music playing]
Yet again,
I've written the headline for you.
[Vance] "Miss Shed"?
My first grade teacher?
She was mean. I don't like this.
It says "mission accomplished."
We beat the boat.
They wanted to eat us,
but all they ate was my fist.
So they were disappointed
because that wasn't enough food for them?
Uh, it was plenty of food for them.
So they won?
As if.
Those turds took the easy way out.
We could've eaten people,
but day one, I said absolutely not.
So it's settled,
we're having a parade for me and Lucy.
Um, all right, next order of business,
what if we eat people?
- Oh, good Lord.
- Stop suggesting that.
And I know people are wondering
what's going on with me and Lucy.
Not really. We're mostly trying
to deal with what happened on the boat.
I saw a lady throw up,
and then the throw-up caught on fire,
and then the fire went up in her,
and she exploded.
Well, we totally teamed up
to save everyone.
But our relationship
is purely professional.
Will it lead to something sexual?
Good question.
Like with all great teammates,
there's obviously something there.
I mean,
you look at Brady and Gronk, right?
You don't have that kind of chemistry
without ever crossing the line physically.
On the boat,
I saw a guy poop out another guy.
Oh my God, still with that?
It's over. I'm a hero again!
Mission accomplished!
- [loud explosion]
- [Vance] Oh!
[man screams]
How am I still alive?
- Don't listen to him. This is in the past.
- [continues screaming]
[theme music playing]
Wait, you built a radio?
So, what,
you could call for another attack?
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Three times you've tried to kill me.
The invasion, that rock
Look, I'm in a real bind here, Farrah.
World's tiniest violin.
I've seen tinier.
And it's not like
I wanted to make contact.
I had to.
It was my sworn duty
Doody. [laughs]
to follow the Code of Kragnorp.
Its ancient ways are what separate us
from the Work Slugs and Jewz.
With a "z." It's different.
The Code is why we must spread
our superior consciousness
to inferior worlds.
Sounds like an excuse
to go around the universe
being murderous pricks.
[sighs] Look, I need that thing
to find what's left of TOD
because my kids' closest friend
is a murder cyborg.
Well, if you want to find TOD,
you are going to need my help.
"Help"? Right. Maybe you can trick me
into another mind-meld.
My dreams have been so weird since then.
[panting]
- Daddy.
- [dramatic swell]
- [gasps]
- Oh, that is messed up.
- Get out of my brain.
- You think I want to be here?
That radio was built for a Cardibean
by a Cardibean.
You know, FUBU.
Using it to track a signal
requires four arms
and an elbow that does this.
Fine, then you're coming with me.
I'd be happy to.
Even though today
is my turn to host book club.
I have other friends.
[whimsical music playing]
There you are.
You missed my press conference.
Yeah, I just didn't feel
like getting out of bed this morning.
My mom used to do that for, like, days.
She was the best at it.
I think I'm depressed.
Wait, are you seriously sad?
Why? We saved everyone.
No, we didn't.
That woman Joy, she's soup now.
We didn't save anyone from the boat.
Dude, they were cannibals.
Yeah, but they used to be just like us.
Does that mean we're all capable of that?
Are people just bad?
Um, okay, bye!
What's the point of any of it?
Aw, not you too!
Normally in this country,
a boat disaster is an opportunity.
The Maine, the Lusitania, Pearl Harbor.
When a boat gets blowed up,
we just go cuckoo bananas.
Next thing you know, the stock market
has doubled, we own the Philippines,
and the ghettos are flooded with heroin.
But I [sighs]
I just don't have it in me.
Well, that's what she said, but come on!
The people on that ship were my people.
Real Americans. And now they're dead.
All those votes, just gone.
Dude, they're dead
'cause we kicked their cannibal asses.
We should be celebrating that.
You know what? Parade.
Executive order.
You and Lucy
are planning a victory parade today.
But not during book club.
Axatrax picked The Goldfinch,
and it's, like, good.
[whimsical music playing]
I didn't know it was person!
I ate person. Oh my God!
No, no, none of this.
Ugh, now you two?
Sir, we need a vehicle.
You're not here to bitch and moan
about the cruise ship?
Why would I? Watching humans die
while hanging with my best friends?
[chuckling] It was fun.
I need to track down TOD.
He's a military asset, so the government
- Wait, we've got a broken arrow?!
- [cinematic music plays]
Travolta, Slater, Mulligan.
With Samantha Mathis,
Delroy Lindo, Frank Whaley, Howie Long
Mr. President, this is urgent.
- General Scarpaccio.
- Present.
I want you to provide all of the resources
for a hard-target retrieval search mission
with extreme prejudice.
Now, get off my plane.
Okay. Well, I've triangulated
TOD's tracking beacon.
So he's alive? I'll bring my compass.
I have a compass!
No, his location
hasn't changed all morning,
which means he's definitely
Taking a real long bath after soccer.
We tracked the signal to a shopping mall
in Takoma Park, Maryland.
- The one with the Lego store?
- You're the best our nation has to offer.
I'm entrusting you with this mission
Wait! We need a cool name for the mission.
Okay, what's cool?
Operation Zack Morris Cigarettes?
- Operation Glow-in-the-Dark Braces?
- Operation Candlepin With Belichick.
Operation Midnight Bedtime.
Operation Dad Says "I Love You"
at WrestleMania.
Operation Dodgeball Catch.
- Operation Mortal Kombat Pizza Party!
- Kombat Pizza Party!
[whooshing]
- Oh, you're welcome!
- [patriotic music playing]
Here you go, pally.
No, you're my hero.
[glass shatters]
Disappointed!
- [whimsical music playing]
- [sighs]
[groans]
You call that a parade?
A parade should have duck boats,
so many competing bagpipes
that you can't hear anything,
and shirtless Gronk
with his arm around Brady,
and you're like, "Is this gonna happen?"
- [Simon moans]
- Now you?
No. You're my Urkel.
On the boat I was cool.
Like a sports guy.
But now it's over.
What?! Why are you all still moping?
Because some of us ate man.
Okay, Irstenkay,
eating human flesh and being sad about it
isn't a personality.
- God.
- Guys, snap out of it.
The alien attack
was way worse than the boat,
and we got over that in, like, a day.
What in the name of God,
and I mean his full name,
Godfrey von Mandaddy,
are you talking about?
The attack was months ago,
and we're doing great now.
I'm president.
We're not over anything.
Everyone we loved is dead.
I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't taken
Vanna White's course at UNLV
on smiling through agony.
The final exam was
a 15-minute conversation with Pat Sajak.
- And you've caught me crying every day.
- I thought that was from my sick burns.
Sir, I may have a stiff upper lip
because of lip death,
but I'm still mourning
my dear friend Freddy
who made the best barbecue in D.C.
Freddy, I declare.
I love your barbecue
almost as much as I love
your unique brand of homespun wisdom.
Why, our friendship might be
the only pure thing in this dirty town.
What's my last name?
- [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
Sir, if you think you're over anything,
you are in denial.
Okay, look, in life, stuff happens.
If it's stuff you don't wanna think about,
you just push it down.
That's the Mulligan way.
Except for [scoffs]
Uncle Billy.
Isn't anyone gonna talk
about how they really feel?
Without Aunt Agnes
Oh great, Billy wants to talk.
That'll bring her back to life.
[all laughing]
This is why I became a lighthouse keeper.
To get away from you people.
Then go keep your freakin' lighthouse!
I will! I'll go keep it right now.
Okay, pally, see ya.
No, see ya!
[all continue laughing]
Now, that is repressed.
If only you'd done therapy as a child.
I'd recommend my guy,
but he's probably dead now.
And he specialized in adult thumb-sucking.
I had my own therapy, thank you very much.
If I had feelings when I was a kid,
like angry, or the crying one,
or the one where you go
to visit your dad in prison
and they tell you
he got let out three months ago,
I'd just get it out of my system
by playing some Grand Theft Auto.
GTA 3 was set in a city
that was basically just New York.
Including Yankee Stadium.
And I would go to town on that thing.
Take that, Jeter.
Oh, you suck, Steinbrenner.
Rivera, you're a class act,
I got nothing against you.
Uh, sir, other people wanna play.
Who are you calling "sir"?
Yeah, uh, that's not healthy.
Daddy once locked me in the root cellar
for folding Sister's laundry.
You're the sick ones!
You're, like, obsessed with the past.
You should all follow my lead.
Just bury your feelings and be happy.
Matty, if you need someone to talk to
About what?
How my mom was a different lady one year,
and no one ever mentioned it?
Like Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince?
That means I was Will Smith.
It was a good thing.
[all groan]
[scoffs] You know what?
This is a good day for me,
and I'm not letting you ruin it.
Get out of my office.
And take her with you.
[groans]
A-sure. Drag Fabia out
like a sack of delicious spaghetti.
I know I'm a joke to you,
but I'm-a real to me.
[groans]
Well, at this rate,
we should reach TOD's dead brain
in eight hours.
Unless you are leading us into a trap.
Exsqueeze me?
I'm asking you to express my flermp gland.
I don't have a free hand,
and if it pops out [retches]
[grunts, babbles]
Great, now that's out there.
Also, excuse me?
What makes you think
I would lead you into a trap?
Well, lying to my face and then trying
to kill me is kind of your deal.
Farrah, I am trying here.
I didn't have to tell you about the radio.
Oh, yeah, one favor
totally makes up for super-genocide.
I thought humans
believed in second chances.
Even after Freddie Prinze Jr.
admits to Rachael Leigh Cook
that it was all a bet.
Granted, she should've known.
She was such a dog with glasses on.
I'm a scientist.
I believe in data. Take TOD-209.
Two hundred and eight other TODs
went insane and destroyed themselves,
so I know all that's waiting for us
at the end of this journey
is a rotting brain inside a rusting robot
inside a mall where some teen girls
once pushed me down an escalator.
I fell for 45 minutes.
- [recorder chimes]
- Ow! Ugh! Ow!
- [men laughing]
- Ah! Whoa!
Ow, Jesus. Is no one gonna help?
No! Ah, my pants.
Well, there it is. There it all is.
And I have enough data on you, Axatrax,
to know that I can't trust you again.
That is cold.
Nope, it's called learning
from past experience.
It's also why I won't touch a hot stove
or do a pregnancy photo shoot at the zoo.
- I don't want to know
- They had to put down a lion.
[patriotic music playing]
Sir, uh, we've been talking
No! Your talking already ruined my parade.
You're not ruining this.
[sighs] Matty, I know we're not together,
but you can find a real girl.
Pro-tip, put it in the microwave first.
This happens to be
a model for my monument.
You save humanity twice,
you get a monument.
New rule.
It's a little abstract for my taste.
I like a statue of a white man on a horse.
- A boy horse.
- It's a work in progress.
For the final thing
we'll get a pro like the lady who did
the Make Way for Ducklings statue
in Boston.
The mother duck used to babysit me
while my parents went to the dog track.
- That lady is definitely not alive.
- And that's kind of why we're here.
We know you love Boston,
but you have to know
it's, like, gone, right?
No, I don't.
Boston's survived a lot worse
than some bug attack.
Remember the 1919 Molasses Flood?
Or Jack Nicholson's accent
in The Departed?
So, yeah, Boston's probably fine.
Oh boy.
Matty, the first time I ever lost
a pageant, I couldn't handle it.
How could the girl from Pahrump
win Miss Teen Nevada?
I'm sorry, but if you're deaf,
sign language isn't a talent.
If you're ever telling this story again,
you can skip that observation.
So I refused to admit I'd lost.
I made my own sash and tiara
and did my own mall openings.
This mall isn't open
till Miss Teen Nevada says it is!
- [electric crackling]
- [groans]
I'm just saying,
if you don't accept the truth,
you're gonna snap.
You need to face facts, son.
The aliens destroyed everything.
Including the farm
that was in my family for generations.
Except for a couple of years
after the Civil War.
Okay. We know you won't listen to us,
so we need to show you something.
Is it how much you move your hips
when you walk?
No, it's not!
[gong tolls]
[melodic drums beating]
No.
The aliens.
They blew it up!
[Lucy] This washed ashore
a couple weeks ago.
We weren't gonna tell you.
We thought you were going through enough.
But now that we know
that you're going through nothing
[Matty] The Green Monster
was destroyed by green monsters.
How could they do this
to one of their own?
I know it hurts, sir,
but it's for your own good.
Boston is gone.
Of course it is!
They probably blew it up first.
It's a global hub
of education and innovation.
With nightlife that in many ways
is more vibrant than New York's.
Because the trains,
they stop running at one,
but the bars stay open until two,
and then you have no way to get home,
so you have to keep drinking!
- [crying]
- Yes, that's good, Matty. Let it out.
My childhood was a freaking nightmare!
I went to free Catholic School
in Charlestown,
where the nuns were actually
armed robbers in nun masks.
And whenever my mom would go missing,
my dad would say,
"Son, you're the woman of the house now."
And then he and my sisters
would all laugh.
[continues crying]
And now they're dead,
and I have no one
to blame for my problems.
So now it's my fault I rejected
a baseball scholarship to B.C.
'cause I thought
it was a cartoon about cavemen.
[crying]
And also, when I was a baby,
my mom would leave me at the firehouse,
and the firemen would just dump me
at other firehouses. [crying]
That's probably enough for one day.
Right, ma maybe we should slip the cork
back in this here bottle.
It's too late!
I'm feeling all the feelings!
And you did this to me.
Now I know how Uncle Billy felt.
This is why he ran away,
lied about his qualifications
as a lighthouse keeper,
and caused, like, a bunch of shipwrecks.
Wait, where are you going?
[Matty] I'm running away!
And I never
want to see you jags ever again.
[crying, grunts]
- Huh?
- [dramatic music playing]
Nooooorm!
[Jayson] Your turn, Dr. B.
Ugh, fine.
I spy with my little eye
something that was incinerated by Axatrax
because of the noble Code of Meepmop
or whatever.
Is it the kid-shaped pile of ash
on that swing set?
Yes, it is.
[electronic beeping]
Wait. The signal is moving.
Does that mean TOD's moving?
Like, he's alive?
Oh crap.
Stop the car.
[dramatic music playing]
What in God's full name,
Godzorp Von Aliendaddy, are you doing?
If TOD is alive, we have to kill him.
You put that really cool gun down
right now,
so I can play with it.
Two hundred and eight TODs
have killed themselves.
I was hoping this one had done it quickly
because the ones who don't
tend to do a lot of damage first.
We've been covering it up for years.
The 2003 New York City blackout.
All those wildfires in California.
The envelope mix-up at the 2017 Oscars.
- [uplifting music playing]
- [electronic whirring]
[crowd applauding]
So you're just going to blow him up?
You're not even gonna give him a chance?
Two hundred and eight other
You're a hypocrite!
I use the Code of Kragnorp
as an excuse for doing bad things?
Well, data is your Code of Kragnorp.
- An excuse to take the easy way out.
- [Dr. Braun sighs]
An excuse not to give people
a second chance.
Because the numbers
say you might get hurt.
Oh my God, TOD's just a robot.
No, you're the robot.
- Oh, snap.
- Yeah, that felt pretty good.
And if you want to kill TOD,
you'll have to go through us.
- Two highly decorated generals with Hey!
- [Dr. Braun grunts]
Why is that your move every time?
- [grunting]
- [Jayson screams]
[grunting] Whoa!
You'll never find him without my radio.
And you can't use it without
my arms.
Right. Okay.
Oh my gosh. Is Matty still not back?
No. And guess what I've done
with all that unchecked power?
Squat!
Not even the fun diddly kind.
I'm kind of worried about him.
What about me?
I'm the last Republican on Earth.
The party dies with me.
Along with the secret language
that Mother and I communicate in.
Tippata. Deesamay pettapay. [kisses]
- I feel the same way.
- Gah! I thought you was cushions!
I thought he was a dog eating a ham.
I can't stop thinking about
how the aliens vaporized Robert Caro
just as he was writing,
"In conclusion, Lyndon Johnson was a"
- A what? We'll never know!
- [chair toots]
Well, at least Matty's not here
so I don't have to waste ten minutes
trying to convince him
that that was a chair.
Which it was. You believe me, right?
Remember the last time
your chair did that?
- I order you to stop so I can smell it.
- [all laughing]
The role of the executive branch
is to carry out and enforce the law,
so you gotta let me.
Did you learn that just for fart reasons?
That meeting was depressing.
Dr. Braun was giving a presentation
on how drinking Dasani
was ruining our genitals.
But we were laughing because of Matty.
He does have a way
of lightening the mood with his antics.
And not to mention his tomfoolery and
Oh, and his monkeyshines.
I used to babysit a lot.
As a thank-you, the dads would buy me
the same perfume as their wives.
And having Matty around
is kind of like taking care of a baby.
You can't think about your problems
when keeping a kid
from falling down the stairs.
Matty is exactly like that.
Dude, Happy New Year!
Sir, it's May.
Uh, then why am I dressed like this?
Whoa!
Oh no! [grunts] Why!
He distracts us
from how truly awful life is now.
[mascot screaming] Oh no!
So that dunderhead is actually useful.
In spite of his head
being all full-up with dunder.
Well, he was
until we broke him.
We've gotta find that boy and fix him up.
Like we did with Gerald Ford
after he tripped out of one helicopter
into the blades of another helicopter.
[whimsical music playing]
[snorts]
- [suspenseful music playing]
- [bear growls]
[pigeon coos]
[Dr. Braun] Gotcha.
[dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
[playing piano]
Oh boy! Cheese-tastic.
[TOD-209] You would not say that
if you knew her.
Hello, Farrah.
Okay, this was not predicted by the data.
[TOD-209] TOD played piano.
TOD loved piano.
You haven't killed anyone or forced Apple
to simultaneously release products
that use MagSafe,
Lightning, and USB-C chargers?
Yeah, a TOD did that.
And I have to live with it.
[TOD-209] TOD just exploring feelings
through song.
TOD wrote this last night.
- Moon, why are you? ♪
- [piano plays out of tune]
Oh my God.
Star ♪
Other star ♪
Third star ♪
You're not destroying anything.
You're trying to create stuff.
I'm the one trying to blow things up.
[TOD-209] Yes.
What is anti-tank missile for?
Tanks.
[TOD-209] Sure. Tanks the worst.
TOD, can we start over?
[TOD-209] No. TOD happy here.
TOD have friends now. Fellow robots.
But you're not a robot.
You're a human being.
[sighs] More than I am.
So come home.
Don't listen to her, TOD.
She never cared about the music.
Okay, how is that happening?
[whimsical music playing]
[TOD-209] TOD could use
fresh brain tank fluid.
Yeah. It's pretty filthy in there, buddy.
Oh, is that a frog?
[TOD-209] Yeah. That Froggy. He cool.
So, what do you say?
[TOD-209] On one condition.
- TOD's band playing a show tonight.
- [groans] Goddammit.
[TOD-209] Venue have two-drink minimum,
but patrons strongly encouraged
to order food as well.
[sighs] And I'll be there.
[classical piano music plays]
[Lucy] Matty! We know you're in there!
How'd you turkeys find me?
We just figured
you'd do what Uncle Billy did.
Since you said
you were gonna do what Uncle Billy did.
You're not a complicated person.
Well, you know what else Uncle Billy did?
He never saw
anyone from his past ever again.
Actually,
he never saw anything ever again,
because he broke
the only rule of lighthouse keeping,
don't look at the big light.
That rule also comes in handy
if you ever die a little bit.
There's one way
you're very different from Uncle Billy.
Uh, yeah, I'm not an uncle.
That I know of.
Um, no.
No one ever cared enough
to go find Uncle Billy.
'Cause no one needed him like we need you.
I'm not crying.
It's eye sweat. I just did an eye workout.
You have to come back, sir.
Without your unique leadership,
we're three little lost lambs.
Yeah, obviously. [sniffles]
It's just, 'cause of you guys,
I'm feeling a lot of stuff
that I've been keeping good and buried.
For example, my Aunt Mary became a nun
because when I was six
- Stop it!
- I don't wanna hear.
Sir, I think we might have something
that can help you deal
with those pesky emotions.
You've got Grand Theft Auto?
Oh, I believe we can do you a sight
better than that, Mr. President.
Dude, if this works,
we are so going to Friendly's after.
How did you know there was
a missile silo under Dupont Circle?
Oh, in the '80s,
we put nukes most everywhere.
The government started
the Applebee's restaurant chain
just to hide missile silos.
The menu was designed to keep people away.
I mean, what kind of restaurant
serves both fettuccine Alfredo
and broiled Cajun trout?
But folks showed up, and we were in a jam.
Sir, we're still waiting on our riblets.
But why do you want them?
What do you think they are?
Wait, why were you dressed as a waitress?
For the tips.
Did you launch a nuclear missile?
Yeah, we're nuking Yankee Stadium.
Take that, Jeter!
What is wrong with you people?
Well, Matty was sad.
And?
We were also sad.
Oh my God.
I leave for one day
Simon, were you part of this?
You had to see how sad we were.
Then we realized we need Matty.
Maybe more than he needs us.
Yeah, I had a basically
identical experience with TOD,
and somehow managed
not to launch a nuclear weapon.
Oh, shut up. Here we go.
[whooshes]
Everyone's finally accounted for.
Goldman Sachs senior management
all survived.
[cheering]
It sure was smart of us
to collaborate with the aliens.
[loud explosion]
Ha-ha! Suck it, Bucky Dent!
And also Clemens and Boggs
in the latter parts of their careers!
Okay, well,
I'm glad everyone's all cheered up.
Because if the wind were blowing
even two degrees to the south
Cool, now we just
gotta do the rest of the A.L. East
No. You're all coming with me
to TOD's band's first concert.
Aw, no fair. What'd we do?
Happy birthday to child
Chuck E. birthday to you ♪
[scattered applause]
Okay, this makes up
for all the times I've tried to kill you.
[TOD-209] Thank you.
This next song original.
[all groan]
- Oh my God.
- Yes, TOD!
[TOD-209] Froggy ♪
Pretty Froggy
Now that you're gone, I miss you ♪
[ragtime music playing]
[ragtime singer] Froggy ♪
Pretty Froggy
Now that you're gone, I miss you ♪
Froggy, hop away now, you hopped away ♪
And you never said goodbye ♪
But it's okay ♪
Pretty Froggy
Because you are wet and green and frog ♪
And I know that "ribbit" means ♪
"I love you" ♪
Froggy ♪
Pretty Froggy
You laid eggs inside my brain ♪
And it feels like they are
Making me forget ♪
How to blurm flurm blurm blurm flurm ♪
Froggy, Froggy ♪
Goodbye, frog ♪
[song ends]