Nathan For You (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

1 My name is Nathan Fielder, And I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.
(sweeping orchestration) This is Nathan For You.
Aw.
When something this cuddly is your product, you'd think it would sell itself.
But Jennifer Berardini at Pet Mania in Burbank, California, knows that it takes more than just a cute little face to bring in customers.
We advertise online, a little bit of print mail, sign advertising, flyers.
In The Burbank Times they run our ad continuously.
But effective advertising isn't about quantity.
It's about location.
So I came to Jennifer with a targeted way to reach potential customers.
When someone has a pet, and the pet dies, they want to-- get a new one.
Absolutely.
(pet sounds) Jolly! So, I think the best place for you to advertise would be at a pet cemetary.
(laughs) Could be.
The problem is most pet cemetaries don't allow advertisements.
- Right.
- But there's no law about what you're allowed to put on a gravestone.
Pardon? By putting an ad for Pet Mania on a dead pet's tombstone, Jennifer would have a permanent billboard in a pet cemetery that would be seen by all the people that just lost their pets.
The Plan: Market to mourners by advertising on a gravestone.
I'm not sure.
Some people are gonna take it one way, and some people are gonna take it another way.
And they're gonna be offended.
Obviously, I would do this very tastefully while, at the same time, meet the advertising goals of the pet store.
Okay.
In order to get a tombstone in a pet cemetery, I'd have to bury a real pet.
So the other night, I caught a fly in my kitchen and named it Buzz.
Even though Buzz would be easy to just swat dead, something about that felt wrong.
So I was going to do my best to care for him and let him die of natural causes.
In the meantime, I began to make arrangements for his funeral.
So I contacted one of the area's biggest pet cemeteries to book a date and a grave plot.
This is your pet.
It's unconditional love.
We'll treat you the same with the burial.
So just to be clear, I can put whatever I want on my gravestone.
It's completely up to you.
Granted, I've never seen a fly come in here before, But I'm open to it.
- There's not a problem with it.
- With the arrangements made, I went to an engraver to lay out the text for Buzz's headstone that would double as the pet store ad.
Now it was just a matter of waiting until Buzz died.
Over the next week, I tried to make his remaining days somewhat enjoyable.
I gave him some rotting food and even a ladybug in case he wanted something to have sex with.
He quickly became a favorite around the office, too.
Hello, Buzz.
Sometimes he would even stay on my finger without flying away.
I wonder why he did that.
Then one day, when I came into work, Buzz wasn't moving.
I assumed he was dead, but I took him to a vet just to be sure.
So this fly has passed away.
With Buzz officially declared dead, I was finally able to move forward with my plan.
So we headed down to the pet cemetery for Buzz's final send-off.
To avoid any pushback when I unveiled the gravestone, I wanted the service to look as legitimate as possible.
And since I'm Jewish, I hired a rabbi to conduct the service and had a few words with him before.
Tell me a little bit about what--who we are honoring.
Buzz.
- Buzz? - Who is my pet fly.
Okay.
(laughs) I'm sorry.
- You laughed.
- Yeah.
Don't you think that's a little insensitive? Um What is important is the connection that you have.
After consulting with the rabbi, I greeted my only guest, Salomon, who works in our production office and seemed to take a liking to Buzz.
Have you ever been to a Jewish funeral before? - No.
- Oh.
What do you know about judaism? Well, I know that they always they put on this little hat.
And what else? That's all I know.
Well, you're gonna learn a lot more about judaism today.
Yeah.
Even though I was doing all this to help a pet store, I found myself actually feeling a sense a loss for my little friend.
And as the rabbi approached the casket, I really did feel at peace.
This morning, we're here to memorialize a loved one, Buzz, your fly.
(speaks Hebrew) Blessed are you, Adonai, creator of us all.
Would there be anyone that would like to share a little bit about Buzz? Do you want to go up and say something? I go in front right there? Yeah.
(clears throat) Uh Well, I met Buzz-- No, no, like this way.
Turn.
Face me.
- Oh, like right here.
- Yeah.
- You stand wherever you want.
- Okay.
I met Buzz, and, um, he was a friendly pet.
In a way, it's kind of-- it's funny because Buzz was a fly.
But when-- wherever Buzz went, he's not flying anymore.
Because it's right there in the dirt.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Nathan, would you like to say a few words? Good-bye and After the service, one of Pet Haven's employees helped bury Buzz, and it was time to bring in his gravestone.
Sandblasted into a 6-foot slab of solid granite, Buzz's gravestone weighed nearly 3 tons and cost us $7,000 to make-- a small price to pay for a billboard that will last over 600 years.
Once it was finally in place, we unveiled the design for Mike.
Along with Pet Mania's name and address, I also added an extra incentive to get mourners into the store.
- But Mike wasn't impressed.
- We need to talk about this.
Is it cool, or You notice there's nothing like that around here.
Yeah.
Mike was concerned it was too big.
I can't put it there because these are burial spots, so there's a lot of money involved.
I mean, money's not the issue on a lot of things, but-- What would it cost to keep it? $500? Oh, no.
More than that.
- $2,000.
- Minimum.
After a brief negotiation, we agreed that for $2,000, it could stay forever.
And within minutes, mourners were already taking notice and likely thinking about replacing their dead pets at Pet Mania.
The next day, I brought Jennifer to the pet cemetery to show her what I had done for her business.
I think you'll find this is exactly what we agreed upon.
- Okay.
- Okay, when I count to three, I want you to take off the blindfold, okay? - Okay.
- One, two, three.
- Oh, my God.
Huh? I don't--I wasn't expecting that huge-- I was just expecting, like, a natural rock.
Right.
Well, it's certainly going to bring people in to the store.
(gentle music) Jennifer loved the ad, and all there was left to do was celebrate.
Champagne.
(tapping) - Oh, [bleep.]
! - Oh.
Okay.
Well I was so happy to give Pet Mania the attention it deserved.
And even though some might just see it as an ad on a gravestone, to me, it was also the perfect tribute to a friend.
During the course of making my show, I've run into a surprising amount of people - I seem to rub the wrong way.
- Take your pizza and stick it up your ass.
You know what you are? You remind me of the Wizard of Loneliness.
You're playing r-- really a dangerous game right now.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure why that is, but I know that as a TV host having a personality that people don't like is bad for business.
And that's why I needed to make a change.
So for the first week of shooting my show this season, I hired a focus group that represents a cross-section of American society to watch my every move from a nearby box truck.
Tell me a little bit about your business.
We have the doors.
We have mahogany wood.
Using a hidden ear piece, they were able to give me real-time feedback on the fly We have oak.
Express yourself with your hands, with your shoulders, with anything.
So you've got the best prices in town.
that would help me become a more likable host.
Wow.
That's really cool to hear.
Yeah.
There you go.
They told me how to engage with my audience more.
Like 500 models of doors you could choose from.
Now do you manufacture all the doors in this building? We manufacture most of them in this building, yes.
There you go.
Good job.
And they also had some fashion tips to make me more relatable.
I think a V-Neck would go well with you.
A V-Neck? Really? A blazer.
A T-Shirt with a blazer might work.
Yeah.
That's sort of a popular style right now.
Yeah.
The only issue we encountered early on was that it was hard for the group to stay focused while we were mobile.
- Whoa! - Ohh But we quickly found a solution to that by bolting down the tables and strapping them in while the truck was moving.
(wood creaking) As the week went on, I was able to evolve my style to become more in line with their tastes, and a more likable me was starting to take shape.
- Good to meet you, man.
- Good to meet you too.
So tell me about your foot massage parlor.
Oh, there we go.
Body motions are great.
We also do facial and head, too.
Now, everyone loves a foot massage, right? Oh, great.
He looked out at the camera.
Great looking at the camera.
Good job.
The group was absolutely loving who I was now.
Now, is that a soapy water or is it just - plain water? - Just the water, just clean, - pure-- just water, yes.
- Just water.
Wow.
That's so interesting.
- There you go.
- Good! Good.
And even though I was still getting used to it, it seemed like I had become a better version of me.
But before fully committing to this, I wanted to put my new personality through the ultimate test.
And we'll see that in a bit.
But first Having a professional maid come to your home is one of life's great luxuries.
But what begins as a desire to have a tidy house often turns into a day-long dance where your home isn't fully yours.
It's okay if I go to cleaning around here? Oh, you wanna clean in here now? - Here? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
A house clean is a full-day inconvenience.
(vacuum humming) And that gave me an idea that would help Candy Pallares, of The Help maid service in Glendale, California, offer her customers a speedier clean.
- Nathan.
- How are you doing? I always do a weak handshake up front to establish that I'm not a threat.
Okay.
(laughs) - Okay.
- Okay.
That's nice.
- Just something--yeah.
- Oh, cool.
And after some small talk, we got down to business.
A lot of people just want two people there for two hours, and they usually can do a general cleaning of things.
So one maid takes four hours.
Two maids takes two hours.
- Mm-hm.
- By that logic, 40 maids could clean a house in six minutes.
Yes.
By offering to clean houses 40 maids at a time, Candy would not only double the amount of jobs, she could do in a day, but her customers would likely pay a premium fee for a service that allows them to have a spotless home in the time it takes to go out and grab a cup of coffee.
The plan: For The Help to offer the fastest clean in the country with 40 maids.
Well, if a customer, I mean, asked for that-- if they want 20 people, 40 people in their house, I could provide it because I have the teams.
But they've never really asked for a turbo-clean or anything like that.
No one knows to ask for something that hasn't been invented yet.
It just-- I don't know how it would work.
Candy was intrigued, but knowing that coordination would be our biggest challenge, I first needed to do a test.
So I found a guy who was willing to try out the service Do you know that measurements of this room? and mapped out a detailed floor plan of the inside of his house.
Oh, is there something? Yeah.
I think somebody stepped in dog shit outside and brought it in here, so Oh.
I hope that wasn't me.
So I guess they'll get that, too, then.
- That'd be great.
- Yeah.
With a house to clean, the next day I had Candy assemble four of her best maids back at the office to be team leaders.
Seven in the kitchen, five in the living room And together, we came up with a sure-fire plan to execute a six-minute clean.
For this to work, the maids would have to travel together, so I had a bus rented and outfitted with branding.
And I parked it at a central location where all the maids could meet.
Candy was able to assemble the 40 we needed from her roster.
And after dividing them into groups, the team leaders assigned each individual maid a specific task.
And after all the maids loaded onto the bus, Candy had to head back to the office.
So it was all up to me to make this work.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Knowing that this would have to be executed like clockwork, while en route to the house, I made sure that each maid had her individual role down pat.
What's your job? I'm doing the mopping under the b-- the, uh, bed.
You seem a bit unsure, so I just-- You can't be second-guessing when we're in there.
It's gonna go really fast.
What's your job? The sink? Is that gonna take six minutes, - The sink? - Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- It will take six minutes? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Moments later, we arrived at the client's home.
There was nothing more I could do to prepare them now.
All right.
We're gonna do this.
Okay.
Now? Yeah.
The future of my concept was in the hands of a bus full of maids.
All right.
Ready, go! (women speaking Spanish, chattering) Go, go, go.
Faster.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
(intense drumming) Pick up the pace.
Hurry in.
(drumming continues while women chatter) It's cool, huh? Oh, yeah.
This is amazing.
Are you in a relationship right now? L.
A.
Is a really tough town (laughing) to meet good people.
So I guess that makes me in between relationships.
(intense drumming, women chattering) What was your last relationship? Um, well, you know, we were pretty serious and played house for a while.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
She, uh, married her ex-boyfriend, and, uh, I'm in L.
A.
training dogs.
Oh, crap.
Hurry, hurry, hurry as fast as you can.
(chattering) Let's go, guys.
Come on.
Great job.
Come on, guys.
Come on, guys.
Once all 40 maids were out, I brought Jim in to see if he was satisfied with his clean.
It hasn't looked this good since we moved in.
Realistically, it hasn't looked this good since I moved in.
And this place was dirty, too, I mean - .
- You know.
Yeah.
It looked terrible.
All right, guys.
We didn't hit our six minutes exactly.
We were 8 minutes and 16 seconds.
Regardless, Jim was very happy with his clean.
Amazing job.
Y'all did a wonderful job.
Thank you very much.
Absolutely.
What do you think of Jim? He's such a great guy for hosting you, huh? (women and Jim giggling) And, uh he's single Ladies? I don't know if you're rested in any of them.
You're very kind, but they did all the hard work.
They deserve applause.
They really did a good job.
- Thank you.
- If you're lucky, he could do some hard work on you.
(clears throat) (sighs) All right.
I was so impressed that I pulled off a rapid house clean, hopefully the first of many.
And the next day, I returned to see if Candy now saw the potential of my idea.
I guess the biggest part would be kind of coordinating to see how they get there at the same time.
But I think the cleaning itself, I mean, seems like it's doable.
And then it worked.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
And who knows? Maybe we could do something - in the future.
- Yeah.
Like what? Other tasks, other opportunities.
Yeah, yeah.
W-whatever.
- I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
Um What are you doing later tonight? I'm gonna go have, I guess, a late snack or something.
Oh, yeah? Alone or With my husband.
With your husband.
Yeah.
That's sweet.
- Yeah.
- Uh It was great meeting you, you know.
Good luck with your business.
I got to scoot, so - Okay, well - That's cool.
See you later.
(pensive piano music) (whistles) Last season of my show, I helped a private investigator named Brian Wolfe who wasn't too fond of my natural personality.
You're in a [bleep.]
pink shirt and everything else.
Oh, you're killing me.
But now, thanks to the advice of a diverse focus group, I was able to transform into a more likable person.
So for my final test, I visited Brian at his home to see what he thought of the new me.
So I've come a long way so far, thanks to you.
Before I go in tonight to talk to Brian, I just wanted to know do I look okay? - Is all the outfit? - You look good.
You're dressed, again-- it fits you perfect, the V-Neck and the blazer.
- This is good? - Yeah.
It fits you.
- It fits you.
- Okay.
And so this is me.
This is you.
Be proud of who you are.
With those encouraging words, I marched into Brian's house to see if my new personality would win him over.
Brian.
Nathan.
How you doing? How you been? I want to tell you something, Brian.
Last time I was here, I was a little nervous.
Okay.
And I wasn't really being myself.
So I thought we could do this again.
- Okay.
- And this time, you can get to know the real me.
Look at you.
You're still a goober, but that's just you.
- You know what I mean? - What are you talking about, Goober? What's that mean? Goober just means like a dork, a nerd.
- I'm a nerd.
- You know you're a nerd.
You've been a nerd your entire life.
There's nothing wrong with being a [bleep.]
nerd.
- You're a nerd.
- I'm not a nerd.
All right, well, you know, that's my opinion.
Seriously, if I threw a football at you right now, you think you could catch it? - I could catch the football.
- You can catch a football? - Yeah.
- I doubt it.
I doubt you can catch a football.
Brian still didn't like me.
And after all the work I had done, I didn't know why.
Don't be sad.
It's okay.
Then, when I returned to the truck, I was shocked to discover that the group was trying to distance themselves from their own suggestions.
It's too low.
The V-Neck.
It's just too low.
Why didn't you speak up before? I asked before I went in if this was good.
I didn't know it was gonna be that low, man.
What do you mean? You didn't like the V-Neck? - Not that low.
- I asked you guys before I went in what do you think of this look? - V-Neck is this, not here.
- You guys said - you liked the look.
- It fits you perfectly, V-Neck and the blazer.
That's when I realized there was a major flaw with my entire experiment.
This new personality was based on the judgment of four people who had agreed to work out of the back of a moving box truck.
Of course it was flawed.
In the end, maybe there was nothing I could do to become the guy that everyone loves.
But for a brief moment in time, it felt nice thinking that I had a chance.
Can I get a little rubby-dub-dub? Ho ho ho ho! - Nice.
- Good one.
Good one.
Good one.
All right.
(upbeat music)