Never Have I Ever (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1
["LADY LUCK" BY RICHARD SWIFT PLAYING]
[WOMAN] This is Paxton Hall-Yoshida.
He's a 16-year-old boy from
Sherman Oaks, California,
and I am model, designer, activist,
and a former 16-year-old
from California, Gigi Hadid.
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
[REPORTERS CLAMORING]
[INAUDIBLE]
You may be asking yourself,
"Why is Old Gigers taking
time out of her busy skedge
to narrate the story
of a 16-year-old boy?"
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- Believe it or not, I relate to this kid.
We're both constantly underestimated
because people only
see us as sex symbols.
She would find some time ♪
To spend with me ♪
[HADID] When scientists declare your
face to be perfectly symmetrical,
that's all everyone thinks
you have to offer the world,
but we've got brains,
too, and feelings, and
Paxton, dude, put a shirt on!
I'm trying to make a point here.
Anyway, we have so much
more going on inside.
At least that's true for me.
We'll see what happens with Paxton.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Lady luck, she is lovely ♪
[GROANS] Dude, my arm. What the hell?
I just wanted to make
sure you're not faking it.
Wow, you're, like, really hurt, bruh.
[HADID] Uh, yeah, he was
like, "really hurt, bruh,"
but it wasn't just his arm, and
it was all this chick's fault.
[BELL RINGING]
Ever since Devi came into Paxton's life,
it's been nothing but
chaos and confusion.
[SOFTLY] Paxton, I am so sorry.
It's just so weird
seeing you all busted up.
I'm still prettier than you are.
Hey, I have a vibrant countenance
that people find
relatable and appealing.
[HADID] Paxton wasn't
really the jealous type,
but the fact that Devi, the
weirdest girl he'd ever liked,
was two-timing him with Ben Gross
really screwed with his head.
I mean Ben Gross, really?
'Cause I just got that feeling ♪
If I can be better ♪
[HADID] What did Ben Gross
have that Paxton didn't?
Besides a screening room and a
Whoa, is that a Patek Philippe watch?
Damn, I don't even have one of those.
I have some unpleasant news.
According to the powers that be,
I am no longer allowed to test you guys
on your feelings about history.
Apparently, they think
it's more valuable
for you to know about things like dates,
and facts,
and the names of dead white men.
So, is the test gonna
multiple choice, or
[SCOFFS] Multiple choice. Yeah,
you'd love that, wouldn't you?
Can we choose two
answers for a question,
or do we have to commit to just one?
Interesting, Ben. I am definitely
open to there being multiple answers.
No, there should only be one choice,
and Devi should have known what it was.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[MARCUS] Can't believe
you got played by dorks.
Are you not as hot as you used to be?
Am I the hottest one in the group now?
Yeah, Coyote Girl cheated on you
with that Young Sheldon-looking dude,
and now you smell like wet
cast. You've lost your edge, man.
Shut up, dickhead. I
haven't lost anything.
Anyone want to sign my cast?
[HADID] Paxton had no
shortage of female admirers.
Legend has it, he romanced
Kaia Gerber at summer camp
when he was just a boy of ten.
See? The only mistake I made was letting
crazy Devi drag me into her psychodrama.
[LAUGHS] "Crazy Devi"?
Oh my God, that is
so good. She is crazy.
Remember when she fell
in that guy's pool?
That guy? You mean
Ben, your ex-boyfriend?
Oh, right! I forgot about him!
"Crazy Devi." That's hilare. [LAUGHS]
[ZOE] Remember when she
had that weird party?
And that guy fell off the roof?
[LAUGHS] That was me.
[LAUGHS]
[HADID] As a champion swimmer, Paxton
had never worried about college.
He'd already been courted
by some pretty dope schools
like Stanford and UCLA.
So he thought it was weird
when the college counselor
suddenly asked to see him.
Good afternoon, Paxton.
Thank you for meeting with me.
No problem. I didn't even
know this room was here.
Let me cut to the chase. I
spoke to your coach this morning,
and due to the severity of your injury,
you might have to face the possibility
that you might not swim for Stanford.
Well, I'd still be cool
with going to Stanford,
even if I can't swim there.
- [HADID] Oh, sweetie
- [CHUCKLES]
I think we need to cast a wider net.
You see, what you have
are college athlete grades,
and when you subtract the athlete
part, your options tend to narrow.
Wait, so where can I get in?
I'm fine with anything as long as
it's, you know, close to a beach,
has a good basketball team,
the classes aren't too hard,
but like some smart
people still go there.
Ah-ha. Well, let's see.
First off, are your
parents extremely wealthy?
- No.
- All right.
In that case, perhaps a two-year
or community college
might be a safer bet.
Look, we can shoot higher,
but you'll need to
significantly improve your GPA.
Would you be open to being tutored?
Um I guess.
Great! Because I took the
liberty of setting you up
with the best peer tutor
in the entire school.
[LAUGHS] This girl is an academic beast.
- [LAUGHS QUIETLY]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[DEVI] Uh
Sorry, she didn't tell me it was you.
Oh, you two know each other? [GASPS]
Oh, no. Let me guess.
She was some sort of bet
with your cool friends.
What? No.
I'd rather not go to
college than work with her.
Hey, what are you doing home so early?
Oh, right. No swimming for you, Nemo.
Yeah, no swimming for me.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Wait, do you usually come hang
out at my house when I'm not home?
Yep. I find it's a peaceful
place to sit with my thoughts,
or to watch porn.
- Didn't need to know that.
- What's wrong, buddy? You seem down.
Ms. Warner said that without swimming,
college isn't looking too great for me.
Eh, who needs college?
After high school, I'm
going straight to YouTube.
Get this. I'm gonna
react to reaction videos.
[HADID] Yikes.
- Cool.
- I know, right? [CHUCKLES]
Paxton, you good?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm I'm great, man.
I just
kinda don't know what
I'm doing with myself.
I'll tell you what your doing.
You're hanging out with me.
Now that you're free,
we can party every day.
You wanna blow some shit up?
- Oh shit. [LAUGHS]
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [EXPLODES]
- Oh!
Oh, yeah!
- [EXPLODES]
- [BOTH] Oh!
- [EXPLODES]
- Oh! [LAUGHS]
Watch the screen and you'll know, Shira.
- [EXPLODES]
- Oh yeah!
- I told you. I told you. [LAUGHS]
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
I'm pushing A and the left joystick.
You're not supposed to click
A, and you're not doing it.
You're not moving the left joystick.
[GROANS]
Wow, dude, that reaction
was kind of weird.
[LAUGHING]
Yo, that reaction was good.
That was sick!
Dude, that's a surprising reaction.
[YELLS]
[LAUGHS]
He left. [LAUGHS]
Nice. Really descriptive, bro.
[EXHALES]
Your reaction to my reaction to their
reaction just made my life, bruh.
[GRUNTS]
This week has been the best.
And you know what next week is
gonna be like? Exactly the same.
- [OPENS CAN]
- For the rest of our lives, baby!
[CHUCKLES]
For the rest of our lives.
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
- Huh?
- I need you
to help me get into college.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
All right. This doesn't have to
be weird. We can be study buddies.
Could I offer you a soda,
or a water, or a hot tea?
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
I actually work a little
better, too, when I'm dehydrated.
Oh. Wow. This book has
not been opened before.
- So where should we start? Math?
- You mean where should you start?
Look, when I said I needed your help,
I meant I need you to do my work for me.
So, when you're done with my
English essay, you can start
What? I can't do that.
That would be cheating.
Cool. Then you should be
really good at it, huh?
- Paxton, let me explain.
- Explain what?
How you thought you could get
away with dating both of us?
[SCOFFS] You must
think I'm such an idiot.
I don't think you're an idiot.
I liked you. You know,
I thought we were
What?
Doesn't matter.
Paxton. I'm really, really sorry.
Look, I could honestly give a shit
about you and Ben Gross. All right?
But you trashed my chances
at a swimming scholarship.
So now I'm going to college on a
you-doing-my-homework scholarship.
We good?
Cool.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
Sorry to interrupt, but I did
your math and your English essay,
and I made this serving
dish for your art class.
I think it's a rustic conversation
piece for any elegant tablescape
Cool. You can just leave it right there.
[HADID] I mean, what Devi
did to Paxton was cruel,
but this is straight-up humiliating.
Yo, you're blocking the screen!
Damn, Crazy Devi, you
made me 'splode myself.
[HADID] And Paxton wasn't
enjoying punishing her
as much as he thought he would.
I can't believe you
said that to her face.
- [LAUGHING]
- She was literally blocking the screen.
[HADID] Even getting his very first "A"
felt like a pretty hollow victory.
It's like when you see
an overly photoshopped
swimsuit photo of yourself.
Your butt may look right and tight,
but you know you didn't earn it.
- [LAUGHS]
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Okay, so I need you to
do the unit six questions
in my biology textbook,
and here is a Spanish take
home quiz on parts of the body.
I already filled in
[IN SPANISH] Eggs.
Bueno. Muchísimas gracias. Adiós.
What?
I'll get these to you tomorrow.
Oh.
Oh. Hey, Rebecca. Cool fit as always.
- Thanks, Devi.
- [DEVI] See ya.
You're making Devi do your homework?
Keep it down, please?
Look, I can explain.
She's the reason I don't have
Any dignity?
No. Ouch. Jesus, Rebecca.
She's the reason I don't have a
chance at a scholarship anymore.
It makes sense for her
to help me. She owes me.
No one owes you.
I had to work so hard to
get into my fashion program.
I know. All right, and I'm proud of you.
Don't you want to be proud of yourself?
I just want to go to college. Period.
And without Devi, I don't
know if I can make that happen.
Then maybe you don't deserve to go.
[HADID] Damn, Rebecca. Drag his ass.
Not that I'm taking
sides. I am his narrator.
And now let the weak ♪
Say they are strong ♪
[HADID] Paxton's parents,
Kevin and June Hall-Yoshida,
ran a local sporting goods store,
and as you can see here,
were a little Jesus-y,
but in a chill way.
Like in a "we've got one
of those fun fish stickers
on our Volkswagen" way.
Amen. So, Paxton, Ojichan called.
Uh, he said, "Email is broken."
So could you go by after school and
help him out? He loves seeing you.
Sure. It's not like I have
anything else going on.
So how's everything at school?
[SIGHS]
Yeah, your college counselor called,
and she said now that
swimming's on the back burner
- I have to raise my grades.
- Yeah.
I know. I got it covered.
Someone's got it covered.
But, honey, to be honest,
I told Mrs. Warner that I'm not gonna
put that kind of pressure on you.
Our family values
kindness over achievement.
Yeah.
You don't think I can get into college?
No, honey. That's not what we meant.
Just school's never been your thing.
Yeah, and we want you to know
that if you don't go to college,
that is totally okay.
You know, just hang back.
Work at the store with me.
Yeah, and we always sell so many
sports bras during your shifts.
[HADID] Whoa, these hippie Christians
have some real low
expectations for their kid.
Like, lower than
Paxton's dad's ponytail.
Have you guys ever thought that
maybe I want to go to college?
- You do?
- Of course.
I want an education, a career.
Well, that's really cool, sweetheart,
but if you wanna go to college,
you're gonna have to work really hard.
I can work hard. Why don't
you think I can work hard?
I'd like to answer that.
No, please don't.
[HADID] It was bad enough his peers
and teachers underestimated him,
but hearing his parents excuse him
from even trying to go to college
really cut Paxton to the core.
What do you want your
new password to be?
- Um, uh, dog.
- That's too short.
- Okay, dogs.
- It needs to be at least eight letters.
Oh, man, that's too
many letters. I'm old.
- [LAUGHS]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Yeah?
Ted, how about some fresh lemonade?
[LAUGHS] Cheryl, this
is my grandson, Paxton.
Oh. So handsome. Just
like his grandfather.
- Ah.
- [CHERYL CHUCKLES]
- I'll come back when you're alone.
- [LAUGHS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Damn, player.
Well, look who's talking. I noticed
all those hearts on the cast.
Yeah, you know. I get it from you.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
- Hey, Ojichan?
- Yeah?
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Do you think I'm too
stupid to go to college?
What? Who told you that?
Basically everyone,
including my parents.
Oh, what do they know?
Look, don't get me wrong.
I mean, I love them,
but they spend too much time in
the sun. It cooks their brains.
- [LAUGHS]
- You are smart enough to go to college.
You were fluent in Japanese
by the time you were five.
[IN JAPANESE] I think you are a genius.
- Arigato, Ojichan.
- Mmm.
Paxton, people are going to think
all sorts of things about you.
That you're not smart,
that you don't belong,
that you're the handsomest man in
the whole assisted living center.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Yeah?
[WOMAN] Oh, Ted. I made you a chicken.
I'm busy, Gladys!
[LAUGHS]
But, Paxton, the only opinion of
you that truly matters is yourself.
So make yourself proud. Okay?
Now, I want to give this to you. Here.
You try and give this to me every time.
It's a box of books you don't want.
No, they're family heirlooms.
Some of them are very old.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Because this is the
novelization of Avatar.
And you will cherish it
when I'm dead and gone,
and you will pass on the wisdom
of the Na'vi to your grandchildren.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- Now, how about some chicken?
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
Oh. Hi. I think you should do
your woodshop homework on your own.
It's heavy because it's
filled with birdseed,
but I forgot to put a
hole in it for the birds.
Yeah, I actually don't want
you to do my homework anymore.
Is it because of how bad
the birdhouse is? I get it.
No, no, it's not the birdhouse.
Wait a minute. Is there a
roof on the bottom of it too?
I panicked.
Look, I've been thinking about it,
and I don't want to
cheat my way into college,
so can you tutor me, like, for real?
Of course.
Awesome. Well, we have that
Facing History test on Friday.
Maybe we can start there?
- Yeah, sure. I'd love
- [BIRDHOUSE SNAPS]
Whoa.
All right, who coined the term Cold War
in the British press in October 1945?
I don't know. Russia?
No. George Orwell.
- [SIGHS]
- You think the whole country of Russia
sat down at a typewriter
and wrote an essay?
I don't know. This stuff's hard.
Can't you at least try and
make it more interesting?
Like, rap all the facts
like they did in Hamilton?
[SCOFFS] I can't do
that. I don't know how.
- Uh! Yeah.
- Ey.
- [BOTH BEATBOXING]
- [HADID] Oh no. Make it stop.
Soviets put out Sputnik ♪
But they can suck a dick ♪
- I can't. I'm bailing. I'm bailing.
- [LAUGHS]
Did you just tell a
satellite to suck a dick?
And did you just
remember what Sputnik was?
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, I did.
- Someone's learning.
- [LAUGHS]
What is a boy doing in your
room with the door closed?
Mom, I'm just tutoring him. Relax.
He wants tutoring?
Fine, but you can tutor him
from further away, right? Move!
- Okay.
- It's studying, not tango class.
There's a boy here?
Oh, you're handsome.
What's your ethnicity?
Let me have three guesses.
No, no, no, let's not
do that. Come, come.
Devi, door stays open.
That That right there
is why I'm good at school.
I live with an army of
badgering Indian women.
- Huh.
- My mom will threaten me with bodily harm
if I make anything below an "A."
- It's highly motivating.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Oh my God, I've got it. I will
be your overbearing Indian mother.
That could work,
but isn't it a little messed
up for you to act like my mom?
- Why?
- I don't know, because we used to hook up.
[HADID] Paxton! Boy, stop.
You know what you're doing
with those bedroom eyes.
Oh, nice.
What's the name of the military alliance
between the Soviet Union and
several Eastern European countries?
The Warsaw Pact, and that's
a fact. See? I can rap too.
Quality rapping. Okay, who was
the first American man in space?
Wait, we had a trick for this one. Uh
Space, the moon, counting
sheep, shepherd. Alan Shepard!
- How long was the Cuban Missile Crisis?
- Twelve days. Ow!
What the hell?
You just brought shame
to your whole family.
Why can't you be more
like your cousin? Hmm? Hmm?
My cousin works at a weed dispensary.
Well, let me just dispense
some knowledge into your brain.
It was 13 days.
[SIGHS] Shit.
- Hey, it's okay. You got this.
- [SIGHS]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
- Yo, Maxi-Pax.
- Told you not to call me that, bro.
No doubt, but look, I snuck
the answers to the test
while Shapiro was out
eating an açaí bowl.
Look, I wrote them on my thigh. [LAUGHS]
Here. Do you want to copy them down?
Nah, man, I'm good. I studied.
What? You studied?
Why can't you be more like
your cousin, the weed dealer?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[HADID] All right. He wrote
his name. We're on a roll.
Oh no. Short answer?
Where's the multiple choice?
Okay. We can do this, Paxton.
You remember what NATO is.
It's the North Atlantic
Treaty Organization.
The North Atlantic Treaty Organization.
Come on, kid, just write "North."
Ugh! Only an asshole
would smile during a test.
Just start writing, Pax. Write anything.
[PAXTON BREATHING HEAVILY]
[HADID] No, no, no. Don't
panic. Take a deep
Oh damn. He gone.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
Hey, are you okay? What happened?
I don't know. It was the craziest thing.
My My heart was racing, and
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
[SIGHS] I mean, all over a
history test. What's wrong with me?
I think you had a little panic attack.
I I used to get
nervous before swim meets,
but, I mean, once I hit
the water, it went away
because I knew I was good at it.
Well, you can be good at school
too. You just need to practice.
Were you good at the butterfly
the first time you tried it?
Yeah. I set a school record.
Oh. Wow. That's famously
a very hard stroke.
- Not for me.
- Okay, Michael Phelps. Chill.
But back to the school thing.
I think it's good that
you had a panic attack.
Why? It felt awful.
Well, it means you care.
You care about school.
Oh, damn. I guess I do.
Weird.
[SCOFFS] It's not like
it really helped me much.
I definitely failed that test.
I mean, I think I even
got today's date wrong.
Well, it's a good thing you
have a pushy Indian mother.
Get up. Let's go. I want
to talk to your teacher.
- Are you deaf? Get up! Let's go!
- [BELL RINGING]
- Okay. Okay.
- Let's go. Now.
All right. Okay.
Mr. Shapiro, Paxton would
like to retake his test.
I'm sorry, guys. That wouldn't
be fair to the other students.
Mr. Shapiro, because you
bowed to the establishment,
Paxton was besieged by
a crisis of self-worth.
If you don't give him a second chance,
you're teaching him that it is not okay
for young men to be vulnerable,
and are therefore furthering
the agenda of toxic masculinity.
Yeah.
Oh my God. Am I?
Thank you for calling me in, Devi.
Paxton, stop by at lunch.
You can take that test again.
Really? Thanks, Mr. S. I'll be there.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
[PAXTON] Oh, what was that?
First rule of being an honors student,
learn to manipulate your teachers.
Mrs. Paloma gives me a
Christmas gift every year.
[CHUCKLES]
[MAN] Seeing Devi
chumming it up with Paxton
was more than Ben could bear.
[HADID] Samberg, get the hell
out of here. You had your episode.
[SAMBERG] Oh, whatever, Hadid! Why
you gotta be so possessive? I'm out.
- What's poppin'?
- Yo.
- I brought Tarts for my favorite tutee.
- Thank you.
Mmm.
- These hit different when you earn them.
- Hmm.
- Check it out.
- [DEVI] You got a "B."
I got a "B."
[LAUGHS] That's sick.
It's a start.
Thanks for pushing me, by the way.
Of course. I mean, I sort of owe you
for the fact that you got hit by a car.
And the other thing.
Yeah, the other thing.
We really don't need to talk about that.
We're cool.
Really? Wow. That's a relief.
Yeah.
I mean, it's it's crazy when you
think about it, right? You and me?
I mean, there's no way
it would've worked out.
I mean, we just don't
make any sense, you know?
Uh Right. Right.
Tutor and tutee seems like a much
more natural relationship between us.
Exactly.
So, would you maybe
want to sign my cast?
Yeah.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
It's pretty crowded.
I see Zoe Maytag wasn't overly
concerned with leaving room for others.
That's Zoe. She actually wrote
over, like, a couple names I think.
I'm not surprised.
Check this out.
A "B." Did Devi have a bad day?
No, I had a good day. I actually
studied and got this on my own.
You opened a textbook?
I did. I even read all
the words on the pages.
She taught you how to read?
[HADID] Yes, Rebecca!
Someone get her on Twitter.
We need her realness.
You were right. If I'm going
to college, I want to earn it.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Becca. I'm proud of you too.
Hey, could you try these on?
I think you're the same
size as Kendall Jenner.
I think I'm more of a
Kylie, but [EXHALES]
[HADID] Well, this
has been a real blast,
but I gotta get back to
my super fulfilling life
as a multi-hyphenate.
I hope we've all learned that we
shouldn't judge a book by its cover,
and that the Cold War ended in 1991.
John McEnroe, back to you.
On a Mexican holiday ♪
Where the sun is shining away ♪
On a Mexican holiday ♪
On a Mexican holiday ♪
Look in the mirror ♪
Notice my reflection ♪
Don't wanna look again ♪
Without affection ♪
My skin is turning green ♪
Am I reptilian? ♪
I think it's kickin' in ♪
On a Mexican holiday ♪
On a Mexican holiday ♪
We'll always find a way ♪
Mexican ♪
Go to bed.