NewsRadio (1995) s02e03 Episode Script
Rat Funeral
I'm gonna get out of your way now.
I'm gonna have to come back and spray for roaches.
Is that necessary? I don't think we have roaches.
Maybe not yet.
But I just finished spraying upstairs on 15 and 16.
They'll be on their way pretty soon.
Should we be wearing any sort of protective headgear? Very funny.
Oh, I also had to reset all your rat traps.
Somebody around here has been tripping them off.
Who would want to do a thing like that? Rat lovers.
Come again? Rat lovers.
They look like you and me, they could be your next-door neighbor, but inside there's something weird.
Tell me, these, uh these rat lovers of which you speak, do they walk amongst us daily? Just because I work with my hands doesn't mean I don't understand sarcasm.
I'm sorry.
I was just joking.
That's okay.
I'm cool with you.
And I with you.
[SNAP.]
[SNAP.]
[SNAP.]
Ow.
Something wrong, Matthew? Oh.
No.
Everything's hunky-dory.
I thought I heard you say, "Ow.
" Ow? Ow.
Oh.
Yeah, I was just practicing my cockney accent.
You know, "'Ow you doin', guv?" Doing fine.
Thanks for asking.
All right.
[SNAP.]
'Ow ya doin', guvnor [.]
Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have to make an announcement.
It has come to my attention that some of you may have been deliberately setting off the rat traps.
Now, I don't know, nor do I care to know why you'd do such a thing, but please cut it out.
Uh, yeah, Dave.
We actually had a staff meeting about this, and we don't want rat traps in the office.
You'd rather catch them by hand? Well, that's just silly.
Um, excuse me, could I just interject here? Please do.
Dave, there's only one rat.
Yeah.
And he's really, really nice.
What are you talking about? His name is Mike.
He's all white except one, like, black racing stripe down the side of his body.
And he's missing most of his tail.
He's really cute.
But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting? Oh, he's cute, Dave.
Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet.
Sometimes we feed him potato chips.
Yeah.
BOTH: And Fig Newtons.
And little beans, dried beans.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
He loves those things.
Oh, gosh.
Does anybody here remember a little thing called the Black Plague? That wasn't really as big a deal as people have made it out to be.
No? I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to let the traps do their job.
Dave, you can't do that.
Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and shoot goats.
You wanted to see me? Uh, yes, Bill.
Look is there something I'm missing about this whole rat thing? You have to understand.
You've got a group of people here who work 16 hours a day.
They're far from their families.
The women are childless, and the men are, to put it delicately, lonely.
I understand that everyone works very hard-- It's not just that.
Every day we deal with crime and murder.
You're not in Wisconsin, Dave.
The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.
Bill, you know, I worked in Milwaukee.
It's a city with a population of a million people.
So there must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose, huh? Bill, can we forget about the cow for a second? Mike is many things to many people.
To you, he's just a rat, but to the good people of this office, he's a member of the family.
I'm sorry, but not my family.
Exactly.
Maybe you're not ready to be a member of our family.
I can't imagine that being a high priority to a man without a heart.
I've got plenty of heart.
Said the Tin Man to the Wizard.
But you probably hated that movie, didn't you? No, actually, I quite enjoyed that movie.
By the way, I checked the box on my driver's license.
If anything should ever happen to me, it's all yours.
Great.
Everyone's here.
I've, uh I've given it a lot of consideration, and I've taken into account your feelings for the rat.
And I've decided to take up the rat traps.
Yay! Yay! Now, I've already talked to the super, so he should be here after lunch-- [SNAP.]
Well, I wish I could say it's the thought that counts.
Lisa, would you mind helping me--? Are you sure it's Mike? JOE: That's Mike, all right.
Missing most of his tail, white with a racing stripe.
Now he's got this really weird, surprised look on his face.
Thanks for waiting for me.
I'm glad I didn't miss your big announcement.
I guess it's back to business as usual for you.
Look, Bill, I feel bad, all right? I feel terrible.
Oh, come now.
You feel nothing.
For you, this was like stepping on a bug, only this bug had a name and a personality and was a rat rather than a bug.
What do you expect me to do? I mean, what can I do? Also, you didn't step on it.
It died in a trap.
By the way, no offense, but your office smells terrible.
I know.
I have a dead rat rotting in a box on my desk.
Oh.
What are you planning on doing with it? I guess I'll just throw it in a dumpster on the way home.
You cold bastard.
Oh, come on, Bill.
I think I probably feel worse about this than anyone.
I'll take this.
This is so stupid.
Well, no one's forcing you to be here, Joe.
Maybe can we just try to speed it up? I have to finish that Newt Gingrich piece.
Oh, yeah.
How did that go, by the way? People, if we could have a little respect? Beth, the box, please? Hey, what are you guys doing? Taking 30 seconds away from work to do deal with our grief.
You can dock our pay if you see fit.
No I'd actually like to join you, if that's all right with everyone.
Whatever.
Does anyone have anything they would like to say before we do this? Dave, nothing? Uh I guess we're all here to say goodbye to Mike the rat who, uh, who we'll all miss, I, I imagine, and, uh and I didn't have much time to think of anything.
Come on.
Bill, could you say a few words? You're putting me on the spot.
LISA: Just a few words.
Okay.
Mike was a rat.
This cannot be denied.
But the flame of life which burns inside all of us glows no less brightly when it is the flicker of one tiny candle.
None can deny that his departure has left this world just a tiny bit darker.
CATHERINE: Yes! And a tiny bit colder.
That's all I have.
MATTHEW: Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Okay, I guess it's time, because we do have to get back to work.
Dave, could you help us with the incinerator chute? Oh, sure.
Sure.
Do you want to do it, Dave? Oh, uh sure.
Okay.
[THUDDING.]
[THUDDING.]
[THUDDING.]
You okay, Joe? Yeah, yeah.
I I always wondered who was on this floor.
Dave? I'm here, Joe.
The last guy that touched me like that got thrown through a plate glass window.
All right, thank you.
I'll try to contact him at his office.
BETH: It's Mike! You guys, I saw Mike! He's alive! Come on! He's alive! Oh, my God.
LISA: Where is he? He came-- He was right-- [SNAP.]
There.
Friendship.
What is it? For our kind, it's camaraderie and conversation.
But for those poor creatures eking out a hardscrabble existence every day, it's something else entirely.
A shared piece of cheese perhaps, or a tasty bean.
So as we bid farewell to Mike, or Mike's friend, we'll never know for sure, we must remember that we-- Um, someone had an overnight pickup? Hey, buddy, we're in the middle of something, okay? Yeah, if you could just give us a moment.
Thanks.
All right, I guess Dave, wait.
Bye.
[THUDDING.]
[THUDDING.]
What was that? That was a rat that died.
He was, like, an office mascot.
[LAUGHS.]
Ahem.
Anyway, uh, I need your account number here and here.
Fine.
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.]
Sir, I'm sorry.
Could you turn it down a little bit? Thank you.
Drinks are on me tonight, guys.
Thanks.
Thank you, Dave.
That's all right.
Ahem.
When was the last time we all got together and hung out like this after work? We do it all the time.
Oh, really? I didn't know that.
Well, we.
.
we always invite you.
Oh, yeah.
I guess, uh, usually after work, I have, uh, more work.
Why is Mike's death affecting us so much? I don't know about you guys, but I keep thinking about the dog I had when I was little.
I know.
Mine was a cat, though.
What was the name of your dog? Woofy.
Mine was Jack.
Scrappy.
Louie.
Mr.
T.
J.
McWhiskers.
Spot.
No-- Sparky.
Spot.
So what kind of a dog was, um, was Woofy? Black Lab.
Jack? Beagle.
German shepherd.
Part Doberman, part rottweiler, part pit bull.
Cat Siamese.
I don't recall.
So, how did, um Woofy.
Yeah, die? Hit by a car.
Oh Jack? Liver cancer.
Hip dysplasia.
Bit a guy.
Got put to sleep.
Feline leukemia.
Ran away.
I had a cat, you know named-- named Dusty.
He was a wonderful animal.
Just an an amazing animal.
Mm.
What was so amazing about it? Well, he could just be amazing.
Just like that, he'd be amazing.
Oh, come on, David, tell us.
Open up a little.
You don't want to hear it.
Hello in there! You can come out of your shell.
You're among friends.
Okay, Dusty could catch rats like nobody's business.
ALL: No! I told you you didn't want to hear it.
Well, he can't help that, right? Dave, how did Dusty die? He didn't.
He's still alive, playful as a kitten.
Oh, man! My grandmother died a few years ago.
Does that get me anything at all? Huh? You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Thanks, Bill.
Uh have a seat.
I just wanted to thank you for your advice.
Oh, you took up smoking? No, I meant about spending more non-work time with our family.
Did you read that in some kind of "How to Manipulate Employees" manual? No, Bill, I didn't.
Look, uh let me ask you something.
Where did everybody get the impression that I'm cold and unemotional? Let me ask you this, Dave when was the last time you cried? Really, really cried? Uh let me think.
Um Hey, you know, when Cal Ripken broke the record, I got a lump in my throat.
You got a lump in your throat? I got choked up.
I suppose I got a lump in my throat too, before I started crying so hard, I had to run to that bathroom and lock myself in a stall.
Yeah, okay, Bill.
Then when I got out, the ovation was still going.
That set me off again.
Go ahead.
Laugh.
It's your nature.
Are you done, Bill? Why? Do you have to recharge your robot power pack? Okay, well, thanks for the advice anyway.
Not bad.
Your simulation of anger is fairly convincing.
Hey, Bill, what's the word? Thunderbird, sir.
There you go.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Mr.
James.
So did you figure out the rat problem? Uh, yes, I did, sir.
Um how can I explain this? Um Mike was many things to many people.
But to the people of this office he was he was a way of escaping the horrors they report on every day.
Uh-huh.
Mike, to these people was a means of maintaining their humanity, their emotional dignity.
Who's Mike? The rat.
Oh! Right.
So, what you're saying is that I've got to be more sensitive to my employees.
They are human beings.
Oh, I see.
You're pretending that you really care about these people.
No.
I really do care-- No.
No.
Don't leave a trail.
I got you.
Hey, Dave, what's this? Oh, I Matthew, that's a glue trap.
I put them down in case there are any more rats.
Well, we're not gonna need these, because Mike and Mike's friend are no longer with us, and there aren't any rats in the office.
How can you be so sure? I just know.
Yeah, but how? Mike would have introduced me to them.
I'm sure he would.
Dave, one more thing.
What is it? How am I gonna get this thing off? Dave, can you come here quick? There is a rat stuck on one of those glue trap thingies in the kitchenette.
I've got an idea.
Why doesn't everyone go back to work and stay away from the kitchenette for a while? And leave it to die? That is so cruel.
Somebody has to put it out of its misery.
Dave, you have a heart of stone.
Why don't you do the honors.
Hey, gang! What's up? We got a rat stuck in one of these.
Oh, for God's sakes! It's a rodent, people.
A dirty, filthy rodent that only lives to eat your food and leave turds in whatever it doesn't finish.
Now, get out of the way.
Do I got to do everything myself? Poor little guy.
He's got, uh one paw free, you know.
He's trying to pull the other ones out.
It's just horrible.
[THUD.]
How did you do it? You don't want to know.
I've got to know.
Did it quickly and humanely.
I've got to know.
I'm sorry.
I've got to know.
I covered him with a rag and I crushed his skull with a dictionary.
Dude! Oh, man! I didn't see any of you running out for chloroform.
Man Once the shock wears off, they'll be grateful.
Every family needs someone to do the dirty work.
You think so? Yes.
Think of this as an initiation of sorts.
But try not to make a habit of killing small animals just to impress us.
Dave? What is it, Matthew? Uh, Dave-- What, Matthew? If you could-- What? What? There's another rat stuck in one of those traps.
[GROANS.]
Dave Uh-huh.
When you're finished over there, if you could-- There's two over here and one over there by the copier.
DAVE: Uh [SPEECH INAUDIBLE.]
Make that two by the copier, Dave.
Oh, my God! Today we are gathered not to mourn but to celebrate.
To celebrate that our lives are more rich with rats than we even knew.
Blabbity-blah-blah-- Dump them, Dave.
Wait.
I'd like to say a few words.
Actually, I'd really like to get out of here.
We all kind of do.
Yeah.
I just wanted to say that although Mike turned out to be several, if not dozens of rats, we loved him enough for dozens of rats, and that's all that counts.
There.
Okay.
Does anybody else have anything they want to say? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think in July I ate a pizza crust off the floor.
Um, am I gonna die? I doubt it, Matthew.
Because I think back in August, I ate a doughnut that I found under the conference table.
Am I gonna die? If you'd like to type up a list of these incidents, I'll evaluate them on a case-by-case basis.
Dave, I'm serious.
Am I gonna die? Yes, I think you probably will.
But I'm sure that day is a long way off.
And when you do die, we will all say nice things about you.
Then we'll all help Dave load you into the incinerator chute.
Okay.
If Pastor Dave's finished his sermon, I'd like to invite everybody who can to dinner.
That includes appetizers, the whole schmear.
Come on.
That's great! Okay, Dave, you look upset.
We buy it.
We totally believe you.
But could you hurry up, because I'm hungry.
I'll meet you guys in the lobby.
We'll be in that crappy Mexican restaurant.
Don't blow us off, Dave.
I won't.
I'm coming.
Just go on.
You okay, chief? Oh, hey.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just, uh, just thinking.
Thinking about what? [SIGHS.]
Thinking about my cat Dusty.
Your cat's not dead.
I know, I know, but You know, someday he will be, and Oh, I see.
You know, the poet John Keats died of tuberculosis at the age of 29.
Before he died, well aware his death was nigh, he penned the line: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
" [QUIETLY.]
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Plus, it's just a cat! Who cares? You can buy them anywhere! This is the last time I'm telling you.
This is the mail drop.
And this is the incinerator.
[.]
I'm gonna have to come back and spray for roaches.
Is that necessary? I don't think we have roaches.
Maybe not yet.
But I just finished spraying upstairs on 15 and 16.
They'll be on their way pretty soon.
Should we be wearing any sort of protective headgear? Very funny.
Oh, I also had to reset all your rat traps.
Somebody around here has been tripping them off.
Who would want to do a thing like that? Rat lovers.
Come again? Rat lovers.
They look like you and me, they could be your next-door neighbor, but inside there's something weird.
Tell me, these, uh these rat lovers of which you speak, do they walk amongst us daily? Just because I work with my hands doesn't mean I don't understand sarcasm.
I'm sorry.
I was just joking.
That's okay.
I'm cool with you.
And I with you.
[SNAP.]
[SNAP.]
[SNAP.]
Ow.
Something wrong, Matthew? Oh.
No.
Everything's hunky-dory.
I thought I heard you say, "Ow.
" Ow? Ow.
Oh.
Yeah, I was just practicing my cockney accent.
You know, "'Ow you doin', guv?" Doing fine.
Thanks for asking.
All right.
[SNAP.]
'Ow ya doin', guvnor [.]
Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have to make an announcement.
It has come to my attention that some of you may have been deliberately setting off the rat traps.
Now, I don't know, nor do I care to know why you'd do such a thing, but please cut it out.
Uh, yeah, Dave.
We actually had a staff meeting about this, and we don't want rat traps in the office.
You'd rather catch them by hand? Well, that's just silly.
Um, excuse me, could I just interject here? Please do.
Dave, there's only one rat.
Yeah.
And he's really, really nice.
What are you talking about? His name is Mike.
He's all white except one, like, black racing stripe down the side of his body.
And he's missing most of his tail.
He's really cute.
But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting? Oh, he's cute, Dave.
Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet.
Sometimes we feed him potato chips.
Yeah.
BOTH: And Fig Newtons.
And little beans, dried beans.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
He loves those things.
Oh, gosh.
Does anybody here remember a little thing called the Black Plague? That wasn't really as big a deal as people have made it out to be.
No? I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to let the traps do their job.
Dave, you can't do that.
Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and shoot goats.
You wanted to see me? Uh, yes, Bill.
Look is there something I'm missing about this whole rat thing? You have to understand.
You've got a group of people here who work 16 hours a day.
They're far from their families.
The women are childless, and the men are, to put it delicately, lonely.
I understand that everyone works very hard-- It's not just that.
Every day we deal with crime and murder.
You're not in Wisconsin, Dave.
The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.
Bill, you know, I worked in Milwaukee.
It's a city with a population of a million people.
So there must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose, huh? Bill, can we forget about the cow for a second? Mike is many things to many people.
To you, he's just a rat, but to the good people of this office, he's a member of the family.
I'm sorry, but not my family.
Exactly.
Maybe you're not ready to be a member of our family.
I can't imagine that being a high priority to a man without a heart.
I've got plenty of heart.
Said the Tin Man to the Wizard.
But you probably hated that movie, didn't you? No, actually, I quite enjoyed that movie.
By the way, I checked the box on my driver's license.
If anything should ever happen to me, it's all yours.
Great.
Everyone's here.
I've, uh I've given it a lot of consideration, and I've taken into account your feelings for the rat.
And I've decided to take up the rat traps.
Yay! Yay! Now, I've already talked to the super, so he should be here after lunch-- [SNAP.]
Well, I wish I could say it's the thought that counts.
Lisa, would you mind helping me--? Are you sure it's Mike? JOE: That's Mike, all right.
Missing most of his tail, white with a racing stripe.
Now he's got this really weird, surprised look on his face.
Thanks for waiting for me.
I'm glad I didn't miss your big announcement.
I guess it's back to business as usual for you.
Look, Bill, I feel bad, all right? I feel terrible.
Oh, come now.
You feel nothing.
For you, this was like stepping on a bug, only this bug had a name and a personality and was a rat rather than a bug.
What do you expect me to do? I mean, what can I do? Also, you didn't step on it.
It died in a trap.
By the way, no offense, but your office smells terrible.
I know.
I have a dead rat rotting in a box on my desk.
Oh.
What are you planning on doing with it? I guess I'll just throw it in a dumpster on the way home.
You cold bastard.
Oh, come on, Bill.
I think I probably feel worse about this than anyone.
I'll take this.
This is so stupid.
Well, no one's forcing you to be here, Joe.
Maybe can we just try to speed it up? I have to finish that Newt Gingrich piece.
Oh, yeah.
How did that go, by the way? People, if we could have a little respect? Beth, the box, please? Hey, what are you guys doing? Taking 30 seconds away from work to do deal with our grief.
You can dock our pay if you see fit.
No I'd actually like to join you, if that's all right with everyone.
Whatever.
Does anyone have anything they would like to say before we do this? Dave, nothing? Uh I guess we're all here to say goodbye to Mike the rat who, uh, who we'll all miss, I, I imagine, and, uh and I didn't have much time to think of anything.
Come on.
Bill, could you say a few words? You're putting me on the spot.
LISA: Just a few words.
Okay.
Mike was a rat.
This cannot be denied.
But the flame of life which burns inside all of us glows no less brightly when it is the flicker of one tiny candle.
None can deny that his departure has left this world just a tiny bit darker.
CATHERINE: Yes! And a tiny bit colder.
That's all I have.
MATTHEW: Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Okay, I guess it's time, because we do have to get back to work.
Dave, could you help us with the incinerator chute? Oh, sure.
Sure.
Do you want to do it, Dave? Oh, uh sure.
Okay.
[THUDDING.]
[THUDDING.]
[THUDDING.]
You okay, Joe? Yeah, yeah.
I I always wondered who was on this floor.
Dave? I'm here, Joe.
The last guy that touched me like that got thrown through a plate glass window.
All right, thank you.
I'll try to contact him at his office.
BETH: It's Mike! You guys, I saw Mike! He's alive! Come on! He's alive! Oh, my God.
LISA: Where is he? He came-- He was right-- [SNAP.]
There.
Friendship.
What is it? For our kind, it's camaraderie and conversation.
But for those poor creatures eking out a hardscrabble existence every day, it's something else entirely.
A shared piece of cheese perhaps, or a tasty bean.
So as we bid farewell to Mike, or Mike's friend, we'll never know for sure, we must remember that we-- Um, someone had an overnight pickup? Hey, buddy, we're in the middle of something, okay? Yeah, if you could just give us a moment.
Thanks.
All right, I guess Dave, wait.
Bye.
[THUDDING.]
[THUDDING.]
What was that? That was a rat that died.
He was, like, an office mascot.
[LAUGHS.]
Ahem.
Anyway, uh, I need your account number here and here.
Fine.
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.]
Sir, I'm sorry.
Could you turn it down a little bit? Thank you.
Drinks are on me tonight, guys.
Thanks.
Thank you, Dave.
That's all right.
Ahem.
When was the last time we all got together and hung out like this after work? We do it all the time.
Oh, really? I didn't know that.
Well, we.
.
we always invite you.
Oh, yeah.
I guess, uh, usually after work, I have, uh, more work.
Why is Mike's death affecting us so much? I don't know about you guys, but I keep thinking about the dog I had when I was little.
I know.
Mine was a cat, though.
What was the name of your dog? Woofy.
Mine was Jack.
Scrappy.
Louie.
Mr.
T.
J.
McWhiskers.
Spot.
No-- Sparky.
Spot.
So what kind of a dog was, um, was Woofy? Black Lab.
Jack? Beagle.
German shepherd.
Part Doberman, part rottweiler, part pit bull.
Cat Siamese.
I don't recall.
So, how did, um Woofy.
Yeah, die? Hit by a car.
Oh Jack? Liver cancer.
Hip dysplasia.
Bit a guy.
Got put to sleep.
Feline leukemia.
Ran away.
I had a cat, you know named-- named Dusty.
He was a wonderful animal.
Just an an amazing animal.
Mm.
What was so amazing about it? Well, he could just be amazing.
Just like that, he'd be amazing.
Oh, come on, David, tell us.
Open up a little.
You don't want to hear it.
Hello in there! You can come out of your shell.
You're among friends.
Okay, Dusty could catch rats like nobody's business.
ALL: No! I told you you didn't want to hear it.
Well, he can't help that, right? Dave, how did Dusty die? He didn't.
He's still alive, playful as a kitten.
Oh, man! My grandmother died a few years ago.
Does that get me anything at all? Huh? You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Thanks, Bill.
Uh have a seat.
I just wanted to thank you for your advice.
Oh, you took up smoking? No, I meant about spending more non-work time with our family.
Did you read that in some kind of "How to Manipulate Employees" manual? No, Bill, I didn't.
Look, uh let me ask you something.
Where did everybody get the impression that I'm cold and unemotional? Let me ask you this, Dave when was the last time you cried? Really, really cried? Uh let me think.
Um Hey, you know, when Cal Ripken broke the record, I got a lump in my throat.
You got a lump in your throat? I got choked up.
I suppose I got a lump in my throat too, before I started crying so hard, I had to run to that bathroom and lock myself in a stall.
Yeah, okay, Bill.
Then when I got out, the ovation was still going.
That set me off again.
Go ahead.
Laugh.
It's your nature.
Are you done, Bill? Why? Do you have to recharge your robot power pack? Okay, well, thanks for the advice anyway.
Not bad.
Your simulation of anger is fairly convincing.
Hey, Bill, what's the word? Thunderbird, sir.
There you go.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Mr.
James.
So did you figure out the rat problem? Uh, yes, I did, sir.
Um how can I explain this? Um Mike was many things to many people.
But to the people of this office he was he was a way of escaping the horrors they report on every day.
Uh-huh.
Mike, to these people was a means of maintaining their humanity, their emotional dignity.
Who's Mike? The rat.
Oh! Right.
So, what you're saying is that I've got to be more sensitive to my employees.
They are human beings.
Oh, I see.
You're pretending that you really care about these people.
No.
I really do care-- No.
No.
Don't leave a trail.
I got you.
Hey, Dave, what's this? Oh, I Matthew, that's a glue trap.
I put them down in case there are any more rats.
Well, we're not gonna need these, because Mike and Mike's friend are no longer with us, and there aren't any rats in the office.
How can you be so sure? I just know.
Yeah, but how? Mike would have introduced me to them.
I'm sure he would.
Dave, one more thing.
What is it? How am I gonna get this thing off? Dave, can you come here quick? There is a rat stuck on one of those glue trap thingies in the kitchenette.
I've got an idea.
Why doesn't everyone go back to work and stay away from the kitchenette for a while? And leave it to die? That is so cruel.
Somebody has to put it out of its misery.
Dave, you have a heart of stone.
Why don't you do the honors.
Hey, gang! What's up? We got a rat stuck in one of these.
Oh, for God's sakes! It's a rodent, people.
A dirty, filthy rodent that only lives to eat your food and leave turds in whatever it doesn't finish.
Now, get out of the way.
Do I got to do everything myself? Poor little guy.
He's got, uh one paw free, you know.
He's trying to pull the other ones out.
It's just horrible.
[THUD.]
How did you do it? You don't want to know.
I've got to know.
Did it quickly and humanely.
I've got to know.
I'm sorry.
I've got to know.
I covered him with a rag and I crushed his skull with a dictionary.
Dude! Oh, man! I didn't see any of you running out for chloroform.
Man Once the shock wears off, they'll be grateful.
Every family needs someone to do the dirty work.
You think so? Yes.
Think of this as an initiation of sorts.
But try not to make a habit of killing small animals just to impress us.
Dave? What is it, Matthew? Uh, Dave-- What, Matthew? If you could-- What? What? There's another rat stuck in one of those traps.
[GROANS.]
Dave Uh-huh.
When you're finished over there, if you could-- There's two over here and one over there by the copier.
DAVE: Uh [SPEECH INAUDIBLE.]
Make that two by the copier, Dave.
Oh, my God! Today we are gathered not to mourn but to celebrate.
To celebrate that our lives are more rich with rats than we even knew.
Blabbity-blah-blah-- Dump them, Dave.
Wait.
I'd like to say a few words.
Actually, I'd really like to get out of here.
We all kind of do.
Yeah.
I just wanted to say that although Mike turned out to be several, if not dozens of rats, we loved him enough for dozens of rats, and that's all that counts.
There.
Okay.
Does anybody else have anything they want to say? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think in July I ate a pizza crust off the floor.
Um, am I gonna die? I doubt it, Matthew.
Because I think back in August, I ate a doughnut that I found under the conference table.
Am I gonna die? If you'd like to type up a list of these incidents, I'll evaluate them on a case-by-case basis.
Dave, I'm serious.
Am I gonna die? Yes, I think you probably will.
But I'm sure that day is a long way off.
And when you do die, we will all say nice things about you.
Then we'll all help Dave load you into the incinerator chute.
Okay.
If Pastor Dave's finished his sermon, I'd like to invite everybody who can to dinner.
That includes appetizers, the whole schmear.
Come on.
That's great! Okay, Dave, you look upset.
We buy it.
We totally believe you.
But could you hurry up, because I'm hungry.
I'll meet you guys in the lobby.
We'll be in that crappy Mexican restaurant.
Don't blow us off, Dave.
I won't.
I'm coming.
Just go on.
You okay, chief? Oh, hey.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just, uh, just thinking.
Thinking about what? [SIGHS.]
Thinking about my cat Dusty.
Your cat's not dead.
I know, I know, but You know, someday he will be, and Oh, I see.
You know, the poet John Keats died of tuberculosis at the age of 29.
Before he died, well aware his death was nigh, he penned the line: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
" [QUIETLY.]
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Plus, it's just a cat! Who cares? You can buy them anywhere! This is the last time I'm telling you.
This is the mail drop.
And this is the incinerator.
[.]