Nightcap (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 A Pop Original.
[lively trumpet music.]
Penny, hi.
Listen, I'm gonna be late.
I'm just finishing my kale smoothie.
I'll be there soon.
Yeah.
Hey, that's my money! - I need it to eat! - It's mine now.
Get a job and stop mooching the system.
Excuse me.
May I please have a napkin? - Thank you.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
- Yeah.
- I'm Juju Chang with "What Would You Do In This Instance?" You just watched that woman steal from that poor homeless boy and shove him, and you did nothing.
Why? [speaking gibberish.]
What is that accent? Belgium ese.
That is clearly a fake accent.
And what's more, it's an insult to all the wonderful people of Belgium, just so you could cover up your lack of moral character.
Shame.
[stammering.]
I-I don't speak English.
Fake news! Fake news! [Male announcer:.]
From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" Tonight, "Suddenly Susan" alum - Brooke Shields! - [crowd cheers.]
Not a "Gossip Girl" but a gossip mom, Kelly Rutherford! Jimmy's new viral video series "Yass Dog.
" And now, number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy! And the boy yelled "shame!" Like I was that evil queen from "Game of Thrones.
" What? No.
She's way younger than you.
- Uh - Do the accent.
I wanna hear it.
No.
I am not doing the accent.
But it was impeccable, despite what Juju Chang says.
What you did was despicable.
And I say that having worked with Mel Gibson.
Okay, okay, my head was in the game, you know what I mean? I was only thinking about the show.
Doesn't make me a bad person, does it? - Uh - [murmurs.]
[tense music.]
- No! - Well, you know what? Jimmy says that women are inherently evil, so - And bad at sports.
- Mm.
Anonymous tweeters have proven that everyone is inherently evil.
Not Staci.
Then how come she has no friends? My friends are Staci's friends, and she is always welcome to our brunch.
You should come sometime.
Oh, I'd rather kill myself.
- [mouths word.]
- Uh, not 'cause of you.
- I hate brunch.
- [laughs.]
Oof.
I haven't been to brunch since I married a woman.
Let's talk about the show.
We have two amazing actresses on tonight.
[gasps.]
Is it Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner? - No, Phil.
- Is it Kaley Cuoco - and Ariana Grande? - No, Phil.
Is it Bernadette Peters and Mandy Patinkin? No, Phil.
It's Kelly Rutherford and Brooke Shields.
Awesome.
Yo, the kids are gonna love to meet some famous people.
There's no children scheduled today.
Kids are very germy.
No, it's "Bring Jimmy's Kids To Work Day.
" All of them? [scoffs.]
I read he has, like, 12.
And 6 more due this spring.
How is that possible? Uh, Jimmy doesn't donate to charity.
He donates his sperm to help needy women have a celebrity baby.
- Gross - Ugh.
- But on brand.
- Yeah, every year, he invites four of his lucky sperm kids to the studio for a picture and to meet him.
But, you know, he's tanning all day, so I get to take care of them.
Todd, that's so sweet of you.
- Yeah.
- Uh, Staci, Todd's a good person.
Maybe you should spend time with him, and then you could be a good person.
Oh, my God, Phil! Oh, there's that bad person tone again.
Don't make me call Juju.
[knocking on door.]
Hi! Staci Cole! Oh, my gosh, you remember my name.
- Yeah.
- Jimmy rarely does.
Oh, well, most celebrities can be a little full of themselves.
[laughs.]
Well, tell that to Juju Chang.
Anyway, I'm just making sure you're settled in.
You have everything you need? Aren't you nice? Yes, thank you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
- I am nice - Yeah.
- As a matter of fact.
- Yes.
Tell that to Juju Chang.
[laughs.]
I'm sorry.
Oh, listen, some people just won't like you, no matter what.
Haters always gonna hate.
Well, and fakers always gonna fake.
[laughing.]
You're hilarious.
Hey, you should stay.
Hang out.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah, I, uh I got this wine in a little gift bag this morning.
- Wow.
- Shall we be naughty? - Well, I, uh - Come on, Stace.
- I really shouldn't - Don't make me drink alone.
- Um - Okay.
Well, here we go! I'm drinking wine with Hollywood icon Brooke Shields.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Stop, please.
I am just an ordinary girl, who happens to be the granddaughter of an Italian princess.
[gasps.]
I am the granddaughter of a pig farmer.
Shut up.
I love prosciutto.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God.
This is incredible.
You can come in here.
Todd, I have four children for you.
All right.
- They smell like paste.
- I think, actually, you got some paste under your nose.
[sniffs.]
Oh.
I was scrap-booking [quietly.]
For Mother.
- Mm.
- You can sit on this couch.
Hey, guys.
How you doing, my little Jimmies? "Jimmies" is a racist term for an ice cream topping.
That's America for you.
Always a little racism.
Let that be a lesson! [chuckles.]
See, it was worth taking you out of school today.
I'm your Uncle Todd.
You're not our real uncle.
You're just a parasite who latched onto our biological father.
Eh, let's stick with Uncle Todd, all right? Uh, and to make this simple, I'm gonna call you Jimmy 1, you Jimmy 2, Jimmy 3, and Jimmy 4.
When do we take the photo? Hey, that's a great question, Jimmy 1.
[laughs.]
I don't know.
- Todd.
[laughs.]
- Hey.
It's so great to see you with kids.
Yeah.
Yeah, I always wanted kids of my own, but too focused on my career.
Yeah, it can be hard - to balance the two.
- Yeah, yeah.
So what fun stuff do you have planned for them? Oh, I got it all figured out.
We're gonna sit here and wait.
[text message tone chirps.]
When I was a kid, my parents made me sit quietly in a room with nothing but my pet ferret.
- Mm.
- I used to imagine that he was a prince, and we would go on adventures together, until one day my mom walked in on me dancing with the lifeless body of the ferret prince.
[chuckles.]
Moms.
The point is, kids need activities.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Nah, it's okay.
We're just gonna sit here and wait.
If anything happened to Jimmy's little Jimmies, whew, I'd be in big trouble.
It's like I'm their dad for the day.
Come on.
Nothing's gonna happen.
It'll be fun.
We'll do it together! Like two dads? Well, like a dad and a [singing.]
Mom.
Oh, I didn't know you were so traditional.
All right, let's go! [laughs.]
[speaking gibberish.]
I am from Belgium.
[laughs.]
I do not know what Juju Chang was thinking.
- That accent - Right? C'est parfait.
- Thank you.
- [sighs.]
Oh, er - [laughing.]
- Finished.
Drinking at work.
I feel like Don Draper.
Et voilà.
Oh, my God, they gave you two bottles of wine - at a morning show? - Yeah.
It was Kathie Lee and Hoda, and those ladies like to get Chardonnay'ed up.
- Mm.
- Wow.
- [gasps.]
- [door slams.]
- Hey! - Knock-knock! - Hi! - Kelly Rutherford! Brooke, I saw you were on the show, and I just had to come say hi.
"Suddenly Susan.
" I mean - Oh, Kelly Rutherford.
- [laughs.]
I mean, come on.
"Gossip Girl"oh! [laughing.]
Um, so, come on.
Come on in and - Okay, okay.
- Hi, Kelly.
- Staci Cole.
- Of course.
- Great to see you.
- Good to see you.
[exhales.]
Another nice person.
- Have a drink.
- Oh, no, no, that's okay.
I have my pre-interview.
[laughs.]
Yes.
- [clears throat.]
- I heard that about you.
What? That you can be a bit of a goody-goody.
Oh.
Well, you know, that's true.
Um, so maybe I'll I can just I'll have one glass.
Forget it.
You made your choice.
[laughs.]
Just kidding.
- [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
- Just kidding.
[all laughing.]
[knocking on door.]
Who is it? It's Davis.
- The door is locked.
- Ah.
- Well, it's locked on purpose.
- Staci, can I see you out here for a second? I need to talk to you.
It's highly unprofessional to communicate through a door.
I'm sorry.
There's a lot of naked women in here.
[whispers.]
He's so uncool.
[all laughing.]
All right.
Fine.
We have a small emergency.
Have you seen Kelly? I left her in her dressing room, and she's not there anymore.
- Kelly who? - [both laugh.]
I am not going to engage in sarcastic banter right now.
Kelly's never been through a Jimmy interview, and I need to get her ready.
Jimmy wants her familiar with the "Yass Dog" segment.
Well, yass, Davis, go, uh, try craft service.
Okay.
[all smothering laughter.]
- I'm sorry.
- That's classic.
- He's got a pole up his - It's classic! [gasps.]
Oh, my God, whiskey? Whiskey after wine, feelin' fine.
- I don't think that's a thing.
- It is now.
You know what? I should take Kelly and get her to her pre-interview.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You can't go.
Kelly just got here.
You wanna stay, don't you, Kelly? - Well - I know, but, you know what? You probably have a wardrobe thing - Yeah.
- And we can't Sit your skinny ass down and take the shot.
I don't drink alone.
You too, Kelly.
[clears throat.]
On three.
Three.
[both gag and cough.]
Um, well, these are mic packs.
Um, oftentimes, people forget that their mic is on.
That's how I have hundreds of recordings of your father saying horrible things.
About who? Um, everybody.
Horrible, hateful stuff.
It's my retirement fund.
If he knew his mic was on, he wouldn't say bad stuff.
And he would never say bad stuff about you guys.
Of course he would.
He's a dick.
- Hey, what is that? - Oh, this is weed.
- You wanna buy it? - Sure.
- I have four dollars.
- Done.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, no, no, Randy! What? That's a great deal.
Come on, kids.
Let's go.
Yeah, let's go to a place without any drugs.
Guys, that's the best deal in the city.
Don't forget it.
Tell your friends.
I also got Molly.
Now, kids, I need to know, are there any peanut allergies? Just let it happen.
We're not playing God.
I know somebody who loves nuts.
Who? Jimmy 1, Jimmy 2, Jimmy 3 Where's Jimmy 4? - She was right here.
- Well, maybe she's off somewhere choking on a peanut.
[chuckles.]
You're getting dark today.
- Hmm.
- Jimmy 4? Jimmy? Jimmy 4? - I knew this was gonna happen.
- Rebecca? We'll find her.
Don't worry.
Oh, God.
[slurping.]
[sighs deeply.]
Well, that does it for the whiskey.
Daddy used to say that vodka was for commies.
But Daddy's not here.
And the vodka is.
- Oh, dear God.
- Oh Brown before clear, never fear.
Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not a thing either.
[both gasp.]
Oh, my God, you have a hunting knife? Why wouldn't I? Ooh, let's play a little game that I learned in the back room of a Russian brothel.
Oh.
Oh, no.
That's okay.
You know, if you do it fast enough, it won't hurt if you miss.
Hah! [pants.]
[stammering.]
No, no, I like my fingers.
- I like mine too.
- Pussies.
I like my face.
Punch it.
Oh, my God.
I'm not gonna punch your face.
Not you.
Miss Goody-Goody.
Oh, that's funny.
It's like in "The Crucible.
" Everybody's either Goody Proctor or Goody Goody.
You'd be Goody Goody-Goody.
[all laugh.]
Oh, sorry.
Theater nerd alert.
[stammering.]
Now fucking punch me.
Uh, Brooke, you're you're really scaring me.
You either punch me, or I'm gonna punch you.
It's simple.
One - Two - You know what? I'm gonna take Kelly to hair and makeup.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- She looks good enough.
She does not! She looks pasty and ugly! - Yeah.
- You let go of Kelly Rutherford! [all talking at once.]
You are gonna come with me.
Brooke [screams.]
[gasps.]
Kelly! Okay, there's Staci eating cake out of a trash can again.
Phil.
I need to locate Kelly Rutherford.
Can you check the security cameras? I'm gonna need you to wait your turn.
No, it's urgent.
It's almost show time.
Fine, I'll check.
Nope, I don't see her.
You shouldn't have let her out.
Let me know if you see her.
I don't know what this is, but I don't care for it.
Care for that booty I didn't even look.
Could you tell? [giggles.]
[gasps.]
Oh, dear God.
- Tell me she's okay.
- She's dead.
What? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Holy fuck-balls! [laughs.]
You know, it's kind of invigorating.
We just killed Kelly Rutherford.
We didn't kill Kelly Rutherford! - You did! - No.
We did.
We're in this together.
No.
[stammers.]
We gotta get medical attention.
- We're gonna call the ambulance - She's fucking dead.
- Get it together.
- Okay, okay.
We're gonna call the cops.
We're gonna explain everything.
It's gonna be totally fine.
What we need to do is get rid of her.
Do you have any of that acid that's used to dissolve bodies? What? No! I don't have any maybe in Jimmy's office No! We're not gonna put Listen to me! Listen to me.
Okay.
We need to get rid of her.
Okay? We need to make her disappear.
No one knows she was here.
Everyone knows she was here! Everyone knows she's here.
You're insane! I am not insane.
And who do you think the cops are gonna believe? Hmm? You? Or a beloved Hollywood icon? [sobbing.]
Oh, I'm sorry, Officer.
She she kept me hostage and made me imbibe alcohol, and then when Kelly started to try to leave, she pushed her into the corner of that table.
[sobbing.]
I'm sorry.
Give the girl a Golden Globe for fuck's sake! These tears are real! Oh, my God, do not wipe your psycho tears on me.
Listen, as long as we are being honest: Juju Chang was right.
Your accent? It sucked.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God, you bitch.
- You said it was good.
- I lied.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God.
This is not happening.
I just I didn't kill one of America's sweethearts.
Hey, I am America's only sweetheart.
Now, we need to get rid of her.
We are going to roll her body up in this carpet, and put her in a dumpster.
No! Oh, you know, you could trip and fall too.
[gasps quietly.]
Okay, we gotta move the coffee table.
[both grunting.]
Oh, my God, this is so heavy.
[scoffs.]
Suck it up, fat ass.
Hey, you said it was skinny upstairs.
- Another lie.
- [panting.]
- [door clicks open.]
- [grunts.]
There you guys are.
What's going on with this rug? Oh, you know, I, um, I I spilled a kale smoothie on it, and I didn't want someone to have to clean it up, so here we are.
No, no, no, no, no.
I can get someone - to deal with that.
- No, I insist.
And that's a really great jacket.
Oh! Thank you.
- Yeah.
- [both laugh.]
By the way, Davis Maxfield.
We met at the Oscars in 2013.
Oh, of course.
How are you, Davis? Good, good.
Just doing my thing.
Talent producing, trying to find lost celebs.
- You know.
- Well, I just saw Kelly - go to hair and makeup.
- Oh! Good.
Thank you so much.
- You're a lifesaver.
- [both laugh.]
[exhales.]
Okay.
[grunting.]
Back to work.
Let's go.
[panting heavily.]
Oh! Oh! Look what you did, you idiot.
[exasperated sigh.]
What the fuck? Oh, my God.
That's one of Jimmy's kids from his sperm charity.
Um, sweetie, why don't you go inside? [mouths word.]
Okay? Run as fast as you can.
She's seen too much.
We have to kill her.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
- That sounds creepy.
- Okay, um Come out, little girl.
I have candy for you.
- Much better.
- Todd, what's going on here? Have you seen Jimmy 4? - No.
- Ah, she's missing.
Missing children? [sighs softly.]
When my two children went missing, my government told me not to ask questions and to stop looking.
I suggest you do the same.
Why weren't you watching her? Oh, I get it.
You get to be the fun one, but I have to be the warden? Well, Jimmy's gonna kill me, not you.
Jimmy's not gonna kill you.
- [sighs.]
- He's gonna hire a specialist to kill you.
They'll never find your body.
- Yeah.
- She scares me.
- And she smells like cabbage.
- Shut up.
You're terrible parents.
Yeah, but especially her! She forced me to bring 'em out of the room.
And now Jimmy 4's probably bleeding out in a gutter somewhere.
Oh, so I should just keep them locked in a room so they never grow wings and fly.
I want them to fly.
- We don't even know you.
- Yes, you do.
We met hours ago.
What are we even fighting about? This is not about the kids.
This is about us.
What? No, it's about the missing kid.
Yes, that yes, you are right.
Aren't you pretty? Hey, do you like to play dress-up and pretend? Oh, of course you do.
I'm gonna teach you a make-pretend game, okay? Now, but you have to close your eyes, and it'll only take a minute and then it'll all be over.
Enough! Enough.
If you are gonna k K-I-L-L this little girl, you're gonna have to do it through me, because I am a good person and you are not.
You have no idea who you're messing with.
Me and Satan? We're in the same book club.
Okay, that's more confusing than scary.
- Jimmy 4! - Uncle Todd! - She wants to kill me.
- What? Oh, I just think she wanted to be with her mommy and daddy.
Okay.
Well, go find Jimmy 1, 2, and 3.
[laughing.]
Okay.
Our family is whole again! - [sighs.]
- You know, these kids would be lucky to have you as their dad.
Aw Hey, you'd make a pretty good dad yourself.
Well, we make a pretty good couple of parent teammates! - [both laugh.]
- Yeah, dude.
[giggling.]
Ooh, okay.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Whoo! Ah, Jesus.
I thought they'd never shut up.
All right, come on.
Let's get this body into the dumpster - And be done with it.
- [muffled noises.]
Did you feel that? Did you hear that? Kelly Rutherford is alive! [thud.]
Yay.
Thank God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! - Oh! - [gasps.]
Oh, my God, why am I on a rug next to a dumpster? Well, you just got a little drunk, honey.
- Whoo! - Yeah, that's it.
- Just a little tipsy.
- All right.
Here you go.
How's your head? - Ooh, ow.
- Ooh, I'll get you some ice.
- I'm gonna get you some ice.
- Did I miss my segment? No, no.
You didn't miss your segment.
- And isn't America lucky? - [murmurs.]
Okay, you know what, I've gotta go to hair and makeup.
- Why don't I take you, okay? - Oh, that's great.
Thanks, Brooke.
- All right, great.
All right, we'll get you some ice, and - Oh, hi.
- We're good, thank you.
- Oh, wow.
- Shh.
What happened? That's so strange.
Oh, it's just we had a fun time.
We had a party! It was fun, and