No Activity (2015) s02e03 Episode Script

1 - You okay? - Yeah.
- You're scratching.
- No, I'm just You know, a bit itchy.
- What's going on? - Well In an effort to stay ahead of the old dating scene, I've been consulting a few male magazines.
And, uh, they're all into this thing called manscaping.
- Oh, yes.
I've heard of that.
- That's right.
So, you know, I've been, uh, looking at a few designs.
Have you? What have you gone with? Lightning bolt? Tiger? - No, love heart.
- That's another way to go.
I figured that with my Johnson, it'd look like Cupid's arrow going right into the heart.
- It's all the way around? - Yeah.
- On top and bottom? Underneath? - That was the hard bit.
You see, I had to put my ankles behind my head and back up along the floor to the mirror to get that bit.
- Flexible hips, don't you? - Very.
It's quite difficult to do, though.
I'm a bit worried it looks like a a deformed hedgehog.
Oh, 'cause you need to get the symmetry just right, don't you? - That's right.
- No angles in there, you'll ruin it.
- Let me have a look.
- Really? - Just the top, yeah.
- All right.
- Oh, hang on.
Yeah, yeah.
Bit lower.
- Mm-hm.
- That's fine.
- Oh.
- That's better than I thought.
- Let's hope the ladies like it.
Well, good luck.
Car 72, please report.
Car 72.
Car 72.
No activity.
Copy that, car 72.
- Has he sung you a song yet? - Who? Lachy.
Oh, J Jesus.
I forgot he was there.
- Did you? - No, I remembered.
Uh, no.
N-no songs from Lachy there.
But he's going great guns there.
He's, uh he's he's got his headphones in, so everything's good.
No, I don't.
Uh No, he don't.
Copy that.
I'm sorry.
That freaks me out.
What Hey? - What does? - Your hair, the cut.
- It's like looking in a mirror.
- Oh.
- Looks exactly the same.
- I wasn't trying to copy you.
Oh, no, no, no, it's No.
It's flattering.
- Okay.
- Just a bit creepy.
Bit "Single White April".
Lachy? Sing the detectives a song.
I'm not singing a song.
I'm gonna count to three.
And if I get to three and you're not singing a song Carol.
It's fine.
He doesn't have to sing us a song.
But thanks for the thought.
Honestly, he he's got the voice of an angel.
- You know, you're missing out.
- What's going on with the song thing? All right, Carol, car 72 out.
- Probably do your pants up now.
- Hm? Oh, shit.
Mate, there is no update.
The package is just sitting there.
Where? No, the package is totally compromised, mate.
- It's a strike-out.
- Oh, shit.
We might have to call our friend in Hong Kong.
- Has he called yet? - No.
Got a bad feeling about this.
You have a bad feeling about this? Do you think he's gonna come in, like, top us off? - Like, put us down the bottom - I don't know.
Jeez, you you gotta come up with something.
- Me?! - Yeah.
You've done this shit before.
- I haven't.
- You're the one who fucked up.
You're the one who fucking grabbed two of 'em.
- I didn't fuck up.
- Took the instructions and fucked it.
Ned, I got it, mate.
- What the fuck is that? - Adderall.
What do we need Adderall for? Well, you know, like, it's it's a drug for ADD.
- We don't have ADD.
- We might have ADD.
Look, you know when I was driving trucks, right, dozing off, I'd take one of these, couple of these, mate, focused, clear.
Problem-solving.
Sudoku puzzles.
Right, crosswords? We're not fucking doing a fucking Sudoku puzzle, mate.
We're trying to fucking sort out this situation.
You're not getting my point, okay? Like I can't do Sudoku puzzles.
But I'm, like, smashing them one at a time while I'm driving.
Taking a pill to find a solution isn't an actual solution.
- Maybe - It's just taking a pill to find one.
Well, maybe it is a solution, maybe if we're at a point and a place where in our minds, we're looking for a solution, we might come up with a solution.
This is gonna help us get there.
It's not a solution, but I want to Go on.
Darling.
What? - How long we gonna be here for? - Oh, I have no idea, darling.
I've never been kidnapped before.
How would I know? I don't know what they want, don't know where they've taken us.
I don't know who they are.
It's like when we watch "Game of Thrones", darling.
I know just as much as you do.
This has got to be something to do with one of your shady deals or failing businesses.
I've explained this to you already a million times.
A couple of my companies haven't been doing so well.
Okay, fair enough.
That has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Brexit.
- Here we go.
Brexit.
- Darling.
Your entire lifestyle is funded by me.
- Let's not forget that, sweetheart.
- Okay, darling.
So let's not talk about failed businesses.
- Okay.
- It's Brexit.
- "Brexit"? It's "Bregsit".
- "Bregsit"? "Bregsit".
One word.
You're breaking it up into two words.
No, I'm putting it together as one word.
It's "Brexit".
- You're saying "Breg-exit".
- Yes.
That's what it is.
- It's "British exit".
"Brexit".
- No, it's "Bregsit".
You're saying "Bregsit" like it's some kind of breakfast.
- Bacon and Bregsit.
- "Bregsit".
- Say it after me.
"Bregsit".
- I'm not saying it after you.
I don't think you can say it.
It's "Brexit".
- It's "Bregsit".
- It's "Brexit".
"Brexit".
- "Bregsit".
- You're saying "Bregsit".
I'm saying "Bregsit", how it's pronounced.
It's one word.
"Bregsit".
- No, darling, it's "Brexit".
- "Bregsit".
No, "Brexit".
Just try and say it like that.
- "Brexit".
- I'm saying it correctly.
- No, you're saying "Bregsit".
- You're saying it incorrectly.
You're saying like you would say "Gregsit".
- "Brexit".
- "Bregsit".
Oh, look, darling, I'm not gonna talk about Brexit anymore if you can't say the word properly.
City east clear on southbound.
- Confirming visuals.
- Copy.
Out.
Sorry about, uh, all the, uh, inappropriate conversation before, son, about, you know, manscaping and everything like that.
I hope your your delicate ears will handle that.
Don't think his ears are that delicate.
He's probably heard worse than that.
I think he's done worse than that.
Didn't you hear he put poo in Didn't you put poo in someone's boot, mate? Yeah.
Yeah.
Who whose boot did you put the poo in? Beau.
Mum's boyfriend.
Why would you do that? Dunno.
He's a 16-year-old kid.
He doesn't know.
I didn't do stuff like that when I was 16.
You don't need reasons for that sort of stuff.
It's just You don't think when you're that age.
It's just straight into the crocodilian part of your brain.
- Done worse than that.
- Oh, really? Do tell.
Like what? Jizzed in his thermos every day for four and a half months.
- Oh, Jesus! - Jizzed in his thermos?! - For four and a half months? - Fucking hell, mate! How many days is that? That's like - Four and a half months? - Mmm.
4 times 30 is 120.
Well, think about it.
- "30 days hath September, April" - 93 workdays.
Workday What about the weekends? Well, no, workdays is when he takes his thermos to work.
Oh.
Course.
He'd have to, like, store up a load over the weekend.
I don't think he has any trouble with storage.
- He's got a big week ahead.
- He's ready to go at any moment.
Wouldn't the the coffee be dangerous, though, a bit hot? I doubt he would have done it with the coffee right there, near his He would have put it before the coffee go Did you put it before the coffee goes in? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
See? How do you get it into the thermos? Well, let's think about it.
That's the thermos shape.
That's all good.
Screw-top, nice big opening.
- I see it.
- Easy as you like.
Or he could have done it in his bedroom.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Put it in a cup.
And, you know, transported it down and put it in the thermos.
Is that what you did, mate, you just took a cup, put it in the cup and put it in the thermos there? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You'd have to get up early too to do it, because Beau's on the tools.
- Yeah.
- Getting up at 4:00, 4:30.
Like, that takes real discipline, to get up.
- Set an alarm.
- You set an alarm, Lachy? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's good.
Wouldn't he wouldn't he recognise the taste, though? Not after a while.
I mean Now, think about it, 93 days.
It'd taste weird now if he stopped doing it like that.
Be like, "Oh! Coffee tastes weird.
What have you done to my coffee?" You know? Probably shouldn't do it anymore, Lachy.
- Time to stop? - Nah.
- Oh.
- That's that.
We tried.
Car 21, looping back around the perimeter.
Oh, great.
That's useless.
- What happened? What is it? - Oh - I've put in for some extra shifts.
- Yeah.
'Cause I've got to take Beau to Fiji for a bit of a holiday.
- Nice.
- Just give him some space from Lachy.
You know? I wanted some extra shifts.
- Mm-hm.
- They've put me on with Lee.
Which Lee? Lee who? Disabled Lee.
What's wrong with him? He's a total wanker.
No, he's not! I went to the disabled toilet the other day, right? - Yeah.
- I came out.
And he's just sitting there in his wheelchair.
- Yeah.
- You know, "Hi, Carol.
" I couldn't believe it.
- I know what that means.
- Okay.
I mean, why can't disabled people wait for the toilet? - Mm-hm.
- Are their bladders disabled? - No.
- Yeah.
They're already sitting down.
- Okay.
- Oh, he's just on You know, like, he's on every committee.
He, like, organises all the social club stuff.
He's just a tosser.
I don't know.
I think he's he's all right.
I've never I've never had any weird run-ins with him.
Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause Someone in a wheelchair couldn't be an arsehole, could they? - I mean, you know, can't say that.
- Well - Anyone can be an arsehole.
- Yeah.
It doesn't matter what race, age, religion you are.
There are arseholes everywhere.
How about babies? - Yes.
Yes.
Babies can be arseholes.
- Really? There's scientific proof.
- Is there? - Yeah.
- Babies born by caesarean section - Yeah? They couldn't even be bothered to go down the birth canal.
So, you know, once they're born, they're just They're just sort of some entitled little shit, which then, obviously, grows up into an adult and becomes an arsehole.
I was a C-section baby.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Oh, he's coming.
He's coming.
He's coming.
Hi, April.
- Hi.
- Hey, Carol.
- Hi, Lee.
- Here are last week's time sheets.
I've already put your hours in for you.
Hope you don't mind.
Just thought you might want to have a look at 'em before I submit them.
- Yeah, no, they're all right.
- I did some baking last night too.
So there's a nice lemon ginger Bundt cake in the kitchen.
- Promise me you'll try some.
- Yeah.
Sounds yummy.
Okay.
- Mmm.
- Wanker.
- Sorry? - Hey? - Did Oh! Sorry.
- I didn't say anything.
No? - Yeah.
- Cheerio.
Wanker.
"Lemon ginger Bundt cake".
Just He's got such a chip on his shoulder.
- Feeling anything yet? - Nope.
- Have another one? Yep.
- Yeah.
Oh, Lachy, you know, I was a bit of a tearaway when I was your age too.
Yeah, we've all done things we're not proud of.
Haven't we, Hendy? - Yep.
- Yes.
My word.
I mean, I remember when I was a young lad, I I had a, uh a book I was very proud of.
It was it was a girlie magazine.
- A nudie magazine, actually.
- Really? Which one? Uh, "Oui".
"Wee"? "Wee"? No, like as in as in the French word "oui".
- Oh, "oui".
Yeah.
- Oh, "wah".
Yeah.
Very fond of a young lass on page 23 named Jacqueline, who was kind of in this mysterious kind of - She would cover her goods here.
- You couldn't see anything? So you couldn't see anything.
And I liked the coy mysteriousness about it.
- It really took my fancy.
- Mmm.
Anyway, we I used to go up to Grandy and and Papa's house on the up at Armidale for the school holidays, and this one particular time, I'm up there, and I I'm bailed up on a on a hay bale in the corner of the shed with my with my "Oui", just fantasising about Jacqueline there, and, um, anyway, I frolicked off down the the fenced area to play with some sheep, and Grandma's ringing the the triangle there, goes, "It's dinnertime.
Come in for your curds and whey.
" So I walked in the front door, and she's standing there, holding my "Oui", furious.
She says, "Whose filth is this?" I almost shit myself, you know.
I was so terrified.
'Cause she was into corporal punishment, she being an ex you know, the headmistress at the local school.
- Mmm.
- She was to rail on me.
And then, out of nowhere, Granddad just pops up behind her, and he goes, "It's my filth!" - Did he? - Mmm.
She turns and she rails on him and starts smacking him about the head and drives him towards the the front door and says, "Get out of my house with your filth," and flicks the magazine at him.
He he gave me a little wink on the way out, just as if to say, "I'm on your side, son.
" Really? Anyway, Granddad comes back from the pub, you see, very late at night, but Grandma, she's locked the front door.
You see? Which is rare.
You don't do that in the country.
Particularly in those days.
- Crime rate, very low.
- Mmm.
Actually, a lot of the times, you'd come home, you'd have other visitors in your house, they'd already have the fire going for you, before you and and have half the table set before you'd, uh Does this have an ending, this story? Yep.
Anyway, she didn't open the door.
And he froze to death on the front porch.
- Fucking hell! - And I found him the next day.
He was he was blue.
He was, uh he'd obviously been trying to keep himself warm, 'cause it was so cold out there, so he's kind of huddled up in a little ball and with his arms over here, and he he just He just looked like Jacqueline on page 23.
Stokes, I had no idea.
You killed your granddad.
I didn't kill my granddad.
You were just a kid.
You didn't mean to.
No.
This It had nothing to do with me.
- No, no.
- I mean I mean, inadvertently, maybe, 'cause I brought the "Oui" magazine up, but, you know you can't You know, a little bit of cause-and-effect involved, but there's no way you can point the finger at at someone, you know, who's who's doing quite a natural teenage thing.
That's what I'm trying to get across here.
I didn't Listen, you can't He ejaculated semen in a thermos.
I never killed anyone.
Put your headphones on, Lachy.
That's an order.
Little shit.
Operation Bandicoot.
Still no leads on the couple's whereabouts.
Over.
I feel so focused now.
So clear.
- Do you feel clear? - Yep.
- I've got it.
- Got what? We'll let him go.
Soon as he gets out to fucking there, the street, fucking give him a call.
"Hey.
Your fucking wife.
We've got your fucking wife!" "Motherfucker, we've got your wife" What's happening? Something happening? Are they doing something? Okay? Don't answer it.
- We have to answer it.
- Don't answer it.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Ball's in our court.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Who's thinking clearly? - We are.
We're thinking clearly.
Is he thinking clearly? - How many Adderall has he had? - None.
- How many have we had? - A lot.
- Right.
- Yeah.
So? We go see him, man to man.
Don't talk on the phone.
Got to look him in the eye with our Adderall eyes.
Give him the Adderall eye.
Hey.
- Wow.
- Hey, mate.
Here we are.
Look.
Hey.
Who's got the golden egg? - We have.
- Who's got the golden egg? - We do.
- Who's got the solutions here? - We have.
- We have.
Who needs the solutions? - He does.
We've got them.
- He needs the solutions.
- Who's got them? We've got them.
- We've got the solutions.
- He needs them.
- He needs them.
- Who's got the upper hand? - We have.
- We're a fucking team, you and me.
- Let's go do it.
Let's do this.
We're together.
Let's go! Hey, hey! Um Hold tight! Hold tight! Um, regroup at headquarters.
Copy.
Travelling.
We'll head by Central.
Out.
- April.
- Hey, Lee.
Hi.
- Internal mail.
- Oh! Thank you.
Apple? - Oh.
Thank you.
- Yep? - Cheers.
- Carol? - No, thanks.
- Banana.
Mandy.
Here's one.
- No fruit.
- Okay.
All right.
- Cheerio.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God! - What? - My appeal was successful.
You know, from the the tasering incident.
I'm back on active duty, like, effective immediately.
What, so you're leaving Dispatch? Well, for now.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I knew you probably wouldn't be here for forever, but just kind of got used to having you around.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- We'll stay in touch and everything.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Just I might just put a mirror in here, for a new partner, so when I turn, it's - Think it's you, 'cause the same.
- The hair.
Yeah.
No.
Knowing my luck, they'll probably put me with Lee.
Dickhead.
Carol? I think Lee is a dickhead as well.
- Thank you.
- That's all right.
I've got to got to go call, um, Big Boy.
- My dad.
- Your dad.
Yeah, I know.
- It's your dad.
- Oh.
It's exciting.
Operation Bandicoot coming up empty thus far.
Nothing on the Doolans.
Nothing on our end.
We'll go through the usual channels.
This has been going on for some time.
- Who have we got there? - Car 72 at house location.
Yeah, right.
Unlikely to yield anything.
Leave them there.
Copy that.
We'll leave them there.
- This is a fucking waste of time.
- Hey.
- No, it is.
- Just steady on.
Language.
Oh, 'cause of him? Mate, he's done far worse than you and I ever could.
Or have.
It's pointless.
What a shit night.
Nothing's happened.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Silence is deafening.
Do you want to hear a song now? Not really.
No.
- Yeah.
- Oh, really? Well, let him sing.
Fine.
Yep.
Okay, Lachy.
We'd love to hear your song now.
Whenever you're ready.
Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Come yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace Silent night - Come in, Dispatch.
- Dispatch here.
Car 54 here.
We've got two bodies at the reservoir.
Uh, Caucasian male.
Asian, possibly Indian, male.
Both 30s to 40s.
- Single gunshot wound.
- ID? No ID.
We've got them on ice.
Um I'll be at the morgue in 20.
Roger that.
Heaven afar Heavenly hosts sing "Hallelujah!" Christ, the Saviour, is born Christ, the Saviour, is born.
I killed my grandfather.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Someone's here.
Someone's here.
- You can hear it.
You hear that? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
They're back.
- You want to sit in the chair? - No, mate, no.
I don't care where I sit.
Sit on the couch.
You sit wherever you want.
I'll sit wherever wherever you don't want.
OK, well I don't care.
- I don't really give a shit.
- You sit in the chair.
I'll sit in the chair.
You want the couch, sit on the couch.
I don't want the couch, but you sit in the chair.
Oh, well, I'm in the chair now, aren't I? Where are they? Downstairs.
- We'll check on 'em in a minute.
- Okay.