No Activity (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
Honesty & Action
1 Previously on No Activity Half your softball team has gone down for corruption now.
Throw me a block.
Are you gonna ride with me, or are you gonna try your luck on your own? Mm CULLEN: Another wise investment by Tolbeck.
Man, you have been burning through the money lately.
- [DEVICES CHIMING.]
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Everyone in the office has the video.
Wonder why I didn't get it.
Oh Oh, there it is.
I put in an application for the FBI.
My little woodpecker's leaving the nest.
FRANKIE: That's not Señor Feathers.
Busted.
You got me.
I got word that Big Boy is feeling better, and the fight is back on for tomorrow night.
MARCO: Frankie, I'm sorry to say you've made the board.
You're one of the bad guys.
TOLBECK: [WHOOPS.]
I'm so excited.
- This is so perfect.
- Hmm.
- Everything is coming together.
- Okay.
- Joint raid with the FBI.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, Cullen, I'm so excited for you.
- Okay.
I'm-I'm excited, too, - just take it down a notch, okay? - Oh, God.
- I feel like a stage mom.
- Yeah.
I hate you.
You're prettier than me.
Okay, stop it, stop it, okay? Just T-They're not gonna notice me, all right? It's not like they, they're gonna see me make an arrest and go, "Oh, my God, look at that guy.
He's got what it takes, he's got the right stuff.
Sign him up.
" Are they? You've been thinking about this, haven't you? - A little bit.
- Come on.
Let me hear you say, - "Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
" - Shut up.
- Come on.
- Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Now do it like you're talking to a room full of hostages, and you're letting them know that everything is gonna be okay.
Okay.
Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
Now do it like a throwaway, just don't even care about it.
Just like, "Meh, meh, meh.
" Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
Say it like you're on a motorcycle and you're getting ready to shoot at somebody.
Freeze! Special Agent Cullen! Okay, do it like you just bit into a burrito - and your-your mouth is burning.
- Okay.
Freeze oh.
Special Agent Cullen.
Wow.
I, really, I bought that.
Okay, do it like you're talking to some kids, - like, really tiny kids.
- Okay, okay.
Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
Okay, now this time, do it like you're, like, just jumped out of the car, - and you stub your foot - Okay.
Okay.
- pull out your gun at the same time.
- Okay.
Freeze ah! Special Agent Cu This is stupid.
This is stupid.
When are we gonna talk about the suit? You know what? My dad told me there's only two things - matter in life.
- Mm-hmm? One: a good suit mm two: don't eat dog.
Don't eat dog? Yes.
Don't eat dog.
Why? Because I-I guess when he was younger, somebody tricked him into eating dog, and he was not happy about it.
- Uh-huh.
- FATIMA: Car 27, please report.
Uh, this is Car 27.
Go ahead.
Please be advised that Car 42 will be joining you on the raid.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh Leary and Bell? They're mean.
Didn't Bell and Leary go down for corruption? No, they're clean.
They're assholes, but they're clean ones.
I could've sworn they went down for something.
No, they're still riding high off of catching the Carlsbad Cannibal.
Give me a fucking break.
That was ten years ago! - Mm-hmm.
- Uh, negative, Dispatch.
Car 42 is, uh, not right for this detail.
Please dispatch another unit.
Um, negative.
You don't get to choose, and they're pulling up right now.
Oh.
Really? Really? Uh, Car 42, this is Car 27.
Please dim your headlights.
Oh, my goodness.
What are they doing? - Are they getting out of the car? - I can't see anything.
I don't - [THUDS.]
- Hey.
We're from Useless Dicks Retrieval.
We heard there were some useless dicks here.
She's kidding.
Great working with you guys again.
Hey, is your mirror a little dirty? [SHOUTS.]
- That's better.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That was totally unnecessary.
- [EXHALES.]
That mirror wasn't dirty.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Well, that's enough.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
He looks good, right? I think he's looking good.
Aren't you, little guy? Huh? Aren't you looking good? FRANKIE: Oh, God, Marco, if you keep coddling him like this, he is not gonna last a minute in the ring.
Do you have any idea what we're up against? One time, Big Boy killed a horse.
Yeah.
Not a pony, a horse.
That's where you get the phrase "never bring a horse to a cockfight.
" Don't you listen to her, Nathan.
Okay? Don't you listen to her.
- What'd you call him? - Huh? Oh, uh - Oh, Marco.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
I didn't call him anything.
Doesn't even matter.
Did you fucking name the bird Nathan? You know what? Yeah.
- Yeah, I did.
You know why? - Oy He seems like a Nathan, okay? He has captured my heart.
And if you would let him in, he would capture yours, too.
Being a soft little bitch doesn't mean having a heart.
This is called tough love, Marco.
I want him to last more than few fucking seconds.
He's not gonna get there with all this - fucking helicopter parenting.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Okay, fine.
- "Ugh, you okay, Nathan? Are you upset, Nathan?" That's you, by the way.
- It's not a good impression.
- Oh, fuck.
- What? - Shit.
The fucking boss is coming tonight.
- Wait, the El Chappie? - Yeah.
El Chappie's coming here, tonight? Fuck We got to train this little bitch harder.
- Okay.
- A lot harder.
- You're right.
- Are you on board? Yes.
Yes, I'm on board.
Okay.
Then look at me.
I need you to spit on him.
- What? - Yeah, you fucking heard me.
- No.
- Spit on him.
Spit on Nathan.
They fucking hate it, it makes them furious.
I-I don't think I You called him Nathan.
You just called him Nathan.
- Oh, yeah, I guess I did.
- Ha.
Spit on him.
[GRUNTING.]
- [CLUCKING.]
- Aww Got him right in the face.
[SIGHS.]
Well, now do you think he's got a chance? - No.
We're training a corpse.
- What?! Oh, my God.
Then why did I spit on him, Frankie? Why did I spit on him if he doesn't have a chance? MARCO: Hey, it's me.
I've got new intel.
The head honcho is coming tonight.
HELEN: Which head honcho? What-what case are you on, Helen? El Chappie.
HELEN: Fine, all right.
Look at them, just sitting there.
This is crazy.
Fucking power play, just sitting there, facing us.
It is a power play.
Sitting there, facing us.
BELL: Car 27, come in.
- That's them.
- You want to get it? No.
You get it.
[SIGHS.]
Car 27.
Hey, Tolbeck, is that a new suit? Oh, thank you for noticing.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, my, uh, niece wore the same one to Easter.
- She's transitioning.
- Oh, good for her.
I mean, good for him.
I me yeah, uh, give them both my best.
They're making fun of you, man.
LEARY: Detective Cullen, can you come over to the car? We need to discuss the raid logistics.
What raid logistics? It's not a fucking wedding.
It's-it's-it's a raid.
- We just raid.
It's a verb.
We - I I know, I know.
What do we got to discuss? We need to talk about it.
Get the fuck over here.
This is a trap.
This is a total trap.
Total trap.
I don't blame you.
I'd be afraid to go, too.
- I'm not afraid.
- Pssh.
Are you seri are you s I'm not afraid to go there.
Prove it.
Dude.
Y-Yeah, I'm coming right over.
Fuck.
Loo Be safe.
BELL: Yeah, hi, I'll take one worthless, past-his-prime cop who'll never reach his potential.
- Oh, look at that, he's here.
- That's great.
- Look, whatever prank you guys - LEARY: Okay, stop talking.
Is Tolbeck single? Uh what do you care? 'Cause she likes him, you fucking virgin.
Uh, I mean, he's in a weird open marriage, so, yeah? - Well, do you think he likes her? - Yeah, do you think he likes me? I don't know, you're always belittling and emasculating us, - so it's kind of hard to tell.
- Well, can you find out for her? Yeah, can you find out for me? - Um, I mean - Thank you so much.
- Oh, thank you.
- Honestly, Cullen? - Thank you so much.
- Okay, fine, I'll ask.
Tolbeck, really? He has nice calves.
Okay, then, go fuck your mom.
Hey, come here.
[WHISPERS.]
: Cullen.
Come here.
- Yeah? - Fuck off.
- Yeah, I was already going.
- Okay.
Hey, Fatima? You want a cup of tea? - Uh, no, thanks.
- Are you sure? I I think you'll find it quite stimulating.
What is that? Well, it's just an inside joke around here 'cause, you know, it's from your-your video.
- From right - Yeah.
Like, right at the moment - when you, you know.
- Yeah [LAUGHS.]
It's We made it into a mug.
Do you want one, though? They're ten dollars.
- WOMAN: All sold out.
- Oh, right, uh, I can put your name down for the next batch.
- Don't don't order more.
- [JANICE SIGHS.]
Fuck off, Robert.
- You're late, Janice.
- [JANICE GROANS.]
- Oh, what is ? Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, well - Janice, what is going - Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, that's what happens when you don't sleep for four days.
There you have it you molt.
I can deal with it.
You haven't slept for four days? - Well - What's going on? Mason got expelled, that's what's going on.
And I had to hire a lawyer, and he's very expensive, but I'm on top of it.
Okay.
Wow.
So, Mason was expelled? Yeah.
Apparently your "jill off" wasn't one of a kind.
He got all the kids at school: the cheerleading squad, football team, the soccer team Everybody but except the golf team, you know.
And that's where all the money is.
That's where he needed to aim for.
Those poor kids.
Poor kids? They're like celebrities now, jackin' and jillin' all over the Internet.
- Ew.
- Poor kids? - Oh, hey.
I was wrong.
- Oh, Jesus.
- There is another one.
- Fuck off, Robert.
Go by Bob or Robbie, all right, you formal prick.
I blew him once.
TOLBECK: When did she see my calves? I don't know.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
I'm in.
What do you mean "you're in"? I mean, I like her.
Let's spin this dreidel.
Wha This could still be a trap.
I don't care.
I am in.
She's got ten fingers, ten toes? In.
That's the metric of a healthy newborn.
That your checklist? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
go tell her I'm in.
Okay, okay, just to be clear, you know this is a trap.
- Yes.
- And this is the same woman who, every time she sees us, she berates and teases us? - Yeah.
- And this will probably end in her punching you in the dick.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- I'm in.
- Fuck.
All right, so go tell her.
Run and tell her I'm in.
I'm not playing this stupid game.
We got a raid tonight, okay.
You're not in, you're out.
Just sit there.
We're waiting for the raid.
[WHIMPERS.]
No.
[WHIMPERING.]
No! [SIGHS.]
Uh, yeah, he likes you back.
Wait, like likes me likes me? Yeah, like, likes her likes her? Yeah, so enjoy that.
I'm gonna get back, get ready for the raid.
Okay, no, wait, wait.
No, you stay here.
- What? - I go.
Just get in for five fucking minutes, you douche.
- Why? - What are you afraid of? Scared I'm gonna show you my bush? - No.
- Okay, I'm out.
Thank you, Cullen.
You are a stupid man.
Hey, can you hand me my breast pump? My jugs are killing me.
You got kids? No, this is how I get myself off, Cullen.
Fucking moron, of course I have kids.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, welcome to Car 27.
I will be your host this evening Oh, it fucking stinks in here.
Oh, yeah.
- I don't even smell it anymore.
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's my softball team's dirty laundry bag.
I'm the batman on the team.
I was the batboy when I was a kid.
Then, when I got older, I became the batman.
But not the kind of batman [BOTH SIGH.]
I put a bunch of wooden boxes up there - Yeah.
- so that people would have better - sight lines.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, 'cause I think it'll be a better - viewing experience - Yeah.
for people to come in and, you know, be able - to see the whole fight.
- Yeah, I agree.
We did a good job.
We're a good team.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, I guess.
You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were when I first met you, so, yeah.
So, what do we got left to do? Are we done? Uh, well, we're done with setting up, but, uh, we still need to feed and flush Nathan.
What's flush? What is that? Uh, we got to stimulate him to completion.
Oh, no.
No, I don't think so.
- No, he's a bird.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I know he's a bird, but we have to jerk him off.
- I don't think - Otherwise they just hump each other.
Yeah, we got to feed him, then we got to flush his pipes.
And then, finally, we stick an index finger of cayenne in him.
- What?! - Yeah, just for adrenaline.
Where do we put the finger, in his ass? Wait, really? Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
- I was kidding.
I was just kidding when I said that.
- But you're serious? - Oh, yeah.
We're going to literally jerk him off and finger his butthole? - Yep.
- Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I guess it's a good night to be Nathan.
[BREAST PUMP PULSATING.]
- Don't you look at me.
- No, I was just You know what, it's kind of a big night for me tonight.
We got a raid later, so I might go back to the car.
Cock-block much? You fucking cock-blocker.
It's been way too long since Leary got the bricks put to her.
Well, actually, yeah, it's been a while since Tolbeck gave the bricks to someone.
I don't is that a saying? Hey, you know what, we should have 'em play a sexy game, like Truth or Dare.
- What? - Yeah.
How's it going, guys? Cullen and I have a game we'd like you to play.
Uh, yeah, Truth or Dare.
Cullen, not Truth or Dare.
Truth or Dare is for kids.
How about, uh, Honesty and Action? LEARY: Yes, so fun.
How do you play? You can either ask for an honest answer to a question or request that someone do an action you specify.
That sounds exactly like Truth or Dare.
Shut the fuck up, Cullen, you little bitch.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, I'll start.
I action Tolbeck to kiss the nearest girl.
Oh, copy that.
Oh, wish they weren't raiding the cockfight.
I really wanted to put down some scratch.
I hear the challenger, Señor Feathers, is a dummy bird.
- Huh.
- FBI shill.
- How do you know? - A gal pal down at FBI.
And I'll tell you, if this raid wasn't happening, I'd put all my money down on Big Boy.
Hmm.
I think cockfighting is cruel - and disgusting.
- Oh, really? Well, you know what I think? Your hypocrisy is disgusting.
What? How's your chicken salad? - I'm not eating a chicken salad.
- Really? Your mass-produced, hormone-saturated, de-beaked, terrified torture bird salad? I'm not eating a chicken salad.
And let me tell you something else they don't tell you on CNN.
They love to fight.
I think they want to fly.
I think they'd love to fly.
Are you kidding me? They get to die in noble battle.
It's majestic.
I mean, why do you think they call it "the beautiful sport"? - Do they? - Yeah.
I just read a whole article on cockfighting.
I'll send it to you.
Okay.
And just for the record, I have not been eating a chicken salad.
Oh, that's what you're gonna take from this conversation.
Everything I just said, that's all that you It's always about you, isn't it? [SIGHS.]
Okay, my turn.
My turn.
Okay, I action Bell to stop pumping milk.
This is for my child, Cullen.
Yeah, I action Cullen to drink Bell's milk.
Oh CULLEN: No, Bell doesn't want me to do that.
That milk is for her child.
Uh, I do want you to do that.
I think it'd be hilarious.
- Fucking do it.
- Yeah, come on, man, do it.
CULLEN: I'm not drinking more weird shit.
TOLBECK: Drink it, drink it.
Okay, easy for you to say.
You get all the sexy actions.
I had to lick my shoe and punch myself in the face.
Shut the fuck up.
[GROANS.]
Drink it.
Drink it.
- Drink it.
- Fucking drink it.
You know what, it's actually fine.
- Tastes like buttermilk.
- Ew! - Did he do it? - Ew - What? It's a compliment.
- Fucking disgusting.
You guys wanted me to drink it.
Yeah, drink it, not like it.
[ROOSTER CLUCKING.]
[MOANING STRANGELY.]
Should I be looking at him or-or you or ? - Definitely don't look at him.
- Oh, okay.
[BIRD SCREECHING QUIETLY.]
Hey, o-once we're done here, you can take off.
No, I can't just get out of here.
I'm running this cockfight.
Plus, I got to do the money run later.
You're doing the money run? Yeah.
Uh, I don't you shouldn't do the I-If you get caught, that's, like, a huge charge against you, if you've got all that money.
Y-You should not do the money run.
Why would I get caught? [NATHAN COOING.]
I-I don't know.
I mean, it's a cockfight.
You know what I mean? There's always a chance - we're gonna get caught - Shh.
If you keep talking, he's not gonna come.
[CLUCKING.]
TOLBECK: So, before, when you said that, uh, - we made out? - Yeah.
We didn't.
No.
Okay, so I'm a little bit confused, then.
- I mean, why are you here? - Okay, I just need a break.
Okay? - You need a break? - Yeah.
A break from what? From Bell.
Yeah, she is relentless.
You know, we are always on.
Always shit-talking and, you know, putting people down, and the truth is, she will not let me be myself.
You know, she is always telling me how to act, like, "Don't be too feminine.
" Yeah.
She actually buys all my clothes online for me, and flat-lays my outfits on my bedroom floor every night before bed.
- Do you guys live together? - Yeah.
She made me move in with her and her kids after her husband left.
And now I can't leave, because she has such uh, deep rage.
CULLEN: You know, honestly I feel like the Carlsbad Cannibal is kind of the luckiest thing - that ever happened to you two.
- Spare me the jealousy, you fucking loser.
Okay? We get it every day.
- We get it every day.
- I'm not jealous, I'm not no, I'm not jealous.
I'm just saying, I read the report.
Okay? And the guy was barely a cannibal.
He chewed a couple fingers, - at best.
- All right.
- You read the report? - Yeah, and let's say the book was better than the movie.
Well, what you didn't read in the report was that he always pissed on people.
And he had a tiny-ass urethra, so the stream was extremely powerful.
Jesus, how do you know that? Because I saw it up close.
Before Leary found me, he fucking had me.
And he tied me up and that man peed on me.
He got me real good, too.
I still have nightmares about it.
I still wake up with a fucking phantom wet foot from that.
This man peed on me so much, whatever amount of pee you're picturing, it's so much more than that.
Well, I'm picturing you, like, drenched.
Completely drenched.
Double it.
Have you ever been peed on? No, and I have never drunk anybody's pee or, you know, anything like that, if that's what you're thinking.
I'm just saying, I haven't I don't know this is not my story, this is your thing.
Go.
You go, please.
Leary and I were ordered not to talk to the media.
So the peeing stuff never came out.
And once the papers gave him a flashy name, that stuck, and it was, it was good for the department, so that was that.
[SNIFFLES.]
[CRYING.]
: It's like I'm fucking dehydrated all the time.
I-I can't look at liquids.
- Do you like water? - Yeah.
I fucking love water.
I can't drink it anymore.
- I know.
- 'Cause it reminds me - of the pee.
- Pee.
I can't imagine what that feels like.
You want to know what it feels like? Hey.
What the fuck? That.
Who's the little bitch now? I never called you a little bitch.
- Yeah.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
You obviously need to get this off your chest.
Do you want another dick punch? I'm sorry the Carlsbad Cannibal peed on you.
Well, he didn't.
So shut up.
You just told me he did in incredible detail.
Well, I was lying, and you fell for it.
- [VOICE BREAKING.]
: You fucking fell for it.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- [CRYING.]
: You fell for it.
- Okay.
[CRYING.]
Hey.
Don't fucking touch me.
[SOBBING.]
: Don't fucking touch me Okay LEARY: You know, I-I, uh I thought about becoming one of Haldeman's dirty cops just so I could get caught and go to jail and not see her anymore.
That's so sad.
So, um, do you want to make out? Uh, I don't fucking kiss people.
Oh.
But I could give you a hand job.
Oh, that'll be super.
[UNZIPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
Here we go.
FATIMA: All units, stand by.
Get in position for the raid.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit, shit, shit.
Uh, Dispatch, uh, can we hold off on that raid for, like, five minutes, please? Uh, no.
Uh, okay, how about two minutes? Just two minutes, please? Two minutes? Two minutes? Nope.
- [SIGHS.]
- We are beginning the raid.
Confirm you're in position and ready.
TOLBECK: This is Car 27, in position.
Copy that.
The crowd is gathering for the cockfight.
Just waiting for the final go from FBI, any second now.
["IN A BLACK OUT" BY HAMILTON LEITHAUSER PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CLUCKING.]
I live in a nameless town - No need - Hey.
- It's okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Nathan had a good life.
You know? I mean, I don't know that.
But he had a killer last day.
I suspect.
[SNIFFLES.]
Many friends have said good-bye Paraded out in FRANKIE: He's here.
That's El Chappie.
I say they all just lost [CHEERING, APPLAUSE.]
Their minds Hey.
Don't worry.
It's your first cockfight, all right? Nathan is only gonna suffer a couple of minutes, tops.
Halogen lamps Oh, it all went away BELL: All SDPD units in place.
FATIMA: Roger that.
Raid will move forward on word from Goldilocks.
Stand by.
MAN: Let's bring El Chappie down.
Copy that.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it.
[EXHALES.]
When the tide comes Rolling WOMAN: All units, be advised, SWAT is waiting on FBI's word.
What are you doing? You good? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Everything's good.
- Yeah.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
That cock is huge.
- It's a huge fucking cock.
- Yeah.
All units, stand down.
I repeat: all units, stand down.
FBI override.
The raid has been canceled.
[BOTH GROAN.]
- What? Again? - Oh, man.
Jesus Christ.
I wore this suit for nothing.
Shit, they canceled the raid? I got to call my bookie.
Yeah, username JJ246, password is bingbong123.
Yeah, I want you to empty my account and put it all on Big Boy.
Everything! A room [CROWS.]
With all our stuff When you come home MARCO: Come on, Nathan, come on, Nathan.
I'd lift you up And there's only the two of us Come on, Nathan, come on, Nathan.
Come on, Nathan! Come on, Nathan! [CROWS.]
Oh! Ugh.
I don't want to look.
- Whoa.
- Ugh, yikes.
- Ooh, damn.
- Come on, Nathan.
Come on, Nathan! - Come on yes, yes, yes! - Murder! - Murder! - Bring it! - Bring it! Yes, yes, yes, oh! - Yeah, yeah.
There's only the two of us [CRUNCHES.]
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH CHEER AND LAUGH.]
Now you're sleeping in the back Of a speeding yellow cab Throw a kiss good-bye To all of that.
Throw me a block.
Are you gonna ride with me, or are you gonna try your luck on your own? Mm CULLEN: Another wise investment by Tolbeck.
Man, you have been burning through the money lately.
- [DEVICES CHIMING.]
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Everyone in the office has the video.
Wonder why I didn't get it.
Oh Oh, there it is.
I put in an application for the FBI.
My little woodpecker's leaving the nest.
FRANKIE: That's not Señor Feathers.
Busted.
You got me.
I got word that Big Boy is feeling better, and the fight is back on for tomorrow night.
MARCO: Frankie, I'm sorry to say you've made the board.
You're one of the bad guys.
TOLBECK: [WHOOPS.]
I'm so excited.
- This is so perfect.
- Hmm.
- Everything is coming together.
- Okay.
- Joint raid with the FBI.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, Cullen, I'm so excited for you.
- Okay.
I'm-I'm excited, too, - just take it down a notch, okay? - Oh, God.
- I feel like a stage mom.
- Yeah.
I hate you.
You're prettier than me.
Okay, stop it, stop it, okay? Just T-They're not gonna notice me, all right? It's not like they, they're gonna see me make an arrest and go, "Oh, my God, look at that guy.
He's got what it takes, he's got the right stuff.
Sign him up.
" Are they? You've been thinking about this, haven't you? - A little bit.
- Come on.
Let me hear you say, - "Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
" - Shut up.
- Come on.
- Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Now do it like you're talking to a room full of hostages, and you're letting them know that everything is gonna be okay.
Okay.
Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
Now do it like a throwaway, just don't even care about it.
Just like, "Meh, meh, meh.
" Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
Say it like you're on a motorcycle and you're getting ready to shoot at somebody.
Freeze! Special Agent Cullen! Okay, do it like you just bit into a burrito - and your-your mouth is burning.
- Okay.
Freeze oh.
Special Agent Cullen.
Wow.
I, really, I bought that.
Okay, do it like you're talking to some kids, - like, really tiny kids.
- Okay, okay.
Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen.
Okay, now this time, do it like you're, like, just jumped out of the car, - and you stub your foot - Okay.
Okay.
- pull out your gun at the same time.
- Okay.
Freeze ah! Special Agent Cu This is stupid.
This is stupid.
When are we gonna talk about the suit? You know what? My dad told me there's only two things - matter in life.
- Mm-hmm? One: a good suit mm two: don't eat dog.
Don't eat dog? Yes.
Don't eat dog.
Why? Because I-I guess when he was younger, somebody tricked him into eating dog, and he was not happy about it.
- Uh-huh.
- FATIMA: Car 27, please report.
Uh, this is Car 27.
Go ahead.
Please be advised that Car 42 will be joining you on the raid.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh Leary and Bell? They're mean.
Didn't Bell and Leary go down for corruption? No, they're clean.
They're assholes, but they're clean ones.
I could've sworn they went down for something.
No, they're still riding high off of catching the Carlsbad Cannibal.
Give me a fucking break.
That was ten years ago! - Mm-hmm.
- Uh, negative, Dispatch.
Car 42 is, uh, not right for this detail.
Please dispatch another unit.
Um, negative.
You don't get to choose, and they're pulling up right now.
Oh.
Really? Really? Uh, Car 42, this is Car 27.
Please dim your headlights.
Oh, my goodness.
What are they doing? - Are they getting out of the car? - I can't see anything.
I don't - [THUDS.]
- Hey.
We're from Useless Dicks Retrieval.
We heard there were some useless dicks here.
She's kidding.
Great working with you guys again.
Hey, is your mirror a little dirty? [SHOUTS.]
- That's better.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That was totally unnecessary.
- [EXHALES.]
That mirror wasn't dirty.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Well, that's enough.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
He looks good, right? I think he's looking good.
Aren't you, little guy? Huh? Aren't you looking good? FRANKIE: Oh, God, Marco, if you keep coddling him like this, he is not gonna last a minute in the ring.
Do you have any idea what we're up against? One time, Big Boy killed a horse.
Yeah.
Not a pony, a horse.
That's where you get the phrase "never bring a horse to a cockfight.
" Don't you listen to her, Nathan.
Okay? Don't you listen to her.
- What'd you call him? - Huh? Oh, uh - Oh, Marco.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
I didn't call him anything.
Doesn't even matter.
Did you fucking name the bird Nathan? You know what? Yeah.
- Yeah, I did.
You know why? - Oy He seems like a Nathan, okay? He has captured my heart.
And if you would let him in, he would capture yours, too.
Being a soft little bitch doesn't mean having a heart.
This is called tough love, Marco.
I want him to last more than few fucking seconds.
He's not gonna get there with all this - fucking helicopter parenting.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Okay, fine.
- "Ugh, you okay, Nathan? Are you upset, Nathan?" That's you, by the way.
- It's not a good impression.
- Oh, fuck.
- What? - Shit.
The fucking boss is coming tonight.
- Wait, the El Chappie? - Yeah.
El Chappie's coming here, tonight? Fuck We got to train this little bitch harder.
- Okay.
- A lot harder.
- You're right.
- Are you on board? Yes.
Yes, I'm on board.
Okay.
Then look at me.
I need you to spit on him.
- What? - Yeah, you fucking heard me.
- No.
- Spit on him.
Spit on Nathan.
They fucking hate it, it makes them furious.
I-I don't think I You called him Nathan.
You just called him Nathan.
- Oh, yeah, I guess I did.
- Ha.
Spit on him.
[GRUNTING.]
- [CLUCKING.]
- Aww Got him right in the face.
[SIGHS.]
Well, now do you think he's got a chance? - No.
We're training a corpse.
- What?! Oh, my God.
Then why did I spit on him, Frankie? Why did I spit on him if he doesn't have a chance? MARCO: Hey, it's me.
I've got new intel.
The head honcho is coming tonight.
HELEN: Which head honcho? What-what case are you on, Helen? El Chappie.
HELEN: Fine, all right.
Look at them, just sitting there.
This is crazy.
Fucking power play, just sitting there, facing us.
It is a power play.
Sitting there, facing us.
BELL: Car 27, come in.
- That's them.
- You want to get it? No.
You get it.
[SIGHS.]
Car 27.
Hey, Tolbeck, is that a new suit? Oh, thank you for noticing.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, my, uh, niece wore the same one to Easter.
- She's transitioning.
- Oh, good for her.
I mean, good for him.
I me yeah, uh, give them both my best.
They're making fun of you, man.
LEARY: Detective Cullen, can you come over to the car? We need to discuss the raid logistics.
What raid logistics? It's not a fucking wedding.
It's-it's-it's a raid.
- We just raid.
It's a verb.
We - I I know, I know.
What do we got to discuss? We need to talk about it.
Get the fuck over here.
This is a trap.
This is a total trap.
Total trap.
I don't blame you.
I'd be afraid to go, too.
- I'm not afraid.
- Pssh.
Are you seri are you s I'm not afraid to go there.
Prove it.
Dude.
Y-Yeah, I'm coming right over.
Fuck.
Loo Be safe.
BELL: Yeah, hi, I'll take one worthless, past-his-prime cop who'll never reach his potential.
- Oh, look at that, he's here.
- That's great.
- Look, whatever prank you guys - LEARY: Okay, stop talking.
Is Tolbeck single? Uh what do you care? 'Cause she likes him, you fucking virgin.
Uh, I mean, he's in a weird open marriage, so, yeah? - Well, do you think he likes her? - Yeah, do you think he likes me? I don't know, you're always belittling and emasculating us, - so it's kind of hard to tell.
- Well, can you find out for her? Yeah, can you find out for me? - Um, I mean - Thank you so much.
- Oh, thank you.
- Honestly, Cullen? - Thank you so much.
- Okay, fine, I'll ask.
Tolbeck, really? He has nice calves.
Okay, then, go fuck your mom.
Hey, come here.
[WHISPERS.]
: Cullen.
Come here.
- Yeah? - Fuck off.
- Yeah, I was already going.
- Okay.
Hey, Fatima? You want a cup of tea? - Uh, no, thanks.
- Are you sure? I I think you'll find it quite stimulating.
What is that? Well, it's just an inside joke around here 'cause, you know, it's from your-your video.
- From right - Yeah.
Like, right at the moment - when you, you know.
- Yeah [LAUGHS.]
It's We made it into a mug.
Do you want one, though? They're ten dollars.
- WOMAN: All sold out.
- Oh, right, uh, I can put your name down for the next batch.
- Don't don't order more.
- [JANICE SIGHS.]
Fuck off, Robert.
- You're late, Janice.
- [JANICE GROANS.]
- Oh, what is ? Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, well - Janice, what is going - Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, that's what happens when you don't sleep for four days.
There you have it you molt.
I can deal with it.
You haven't slept for four days? - Well - What's going on? Mason got expelled, that's what's going on.
And I had to hire a lawyer, and he's very expensive, but I'm on top of it.
Okay.
Wow.
So, Mason was expelled? Yeah.
Apparently your "jill off" wasn't one of a kind.
He got all the kids at school: the cheerleading squad, football team, the soccer team Everybody but except the golf team, you know.
And that's where all the money is.
That's where he needed to aim for.
Those poor kids.
Poor kids? They're like celebrities now, jackin' and jillin' all over the Internet.
- Ew.
- Poor kids? - Oh, hey.
I was wrong.
- Oh, Jesus.
- There is another one.
- Fuck off, Robert.
Go by Bob or Robbie, all right, you formal prick.
I blew him once.
TOLBECK: When did she see my calves? I don't know.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
I'm in.
What do you mean "you're in"? I mean, I like her.
Let's spin this dreidel.
Wha This could still be a trap.
I don't care.
I am in.
She's got ten fingers, ten toes? In.
That's the metric of a healthy newborn.
That your checklist? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
go tell her I'm in.
Okay, okay, just to be clear, you know this is a trap.
- Yes.
- And this is the same woman who, every time she sees us, she berates and teases us? - Yeah.
- And this will probably end in her punching you in the dick.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- I'm in.
- Fuck.
All right, so go tell her.
Run and tell her I'm in.
I'm not playing this stupid game.
We got a raid tonight, okay.
You're not in, you're out.
Just sit there.
We're waiting for the raid.
[WHIMPERS.]
No.
[WHIMPERING.]
No! [SIGHS.]
Uh, yeah, he likes you back.
Wait, like likes me likes me? Yeah, like, likes her likes her? Yeah, so enjoy that.
I'm gonna get back, get ready for the raid.
Okay, no, wait, wait.
No, you stay here.
- What? - I go.
Just get in for five fucking minutes, you douche.
- Why? - What are you afraid of? Scared I'm gonna show you my bush? - No.
- Okay, I'm out.
Thank you, Cullen.
You are a stupid man.
Hey, can you hand me my breast pump? My jugs are killing me.
You got kids? No, this is how I get myself off, Cullen.
Fucking moron, of course I have kids.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, welcome to Car 27.
I will be your host this evening Oh, it fucking stinks in here.
Oh, yeah.
- I don't even smell it anymore.
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's my softball team's dirty laundry bag.
I'm the batman on the team.
I was the batboy when I was a kid.
Then, when I got older, I became the batman.
But not the kind of batman [BOTH SIGH.]
I put a bunch of wooden boxes up there - Yeah.
- so that people would have better - sight lines.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, 'cause I think it'll be a better - viewing experience - Yeah.
for people to come in and, you know, be able - to see the whole fight.
- Yeah, I agree.
We did a good job.
We're a good team.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, I guess.
You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were when I first met you, so, yeah.
So, what do we got left to do? Are we done? Uh, well, we're done with setting up, but, uh, we still need to feed and flush Nathan.
What's flush? What is that? Uh, we got to stimulate him to completion.
Oh, no.
No, I don't think so.
- No, he's a bird.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I know he's a bird, but we have to jerk him off.
- I don't think - Otherwise they just hump each other.
Yeah, we got to feed him, then we got to flush his pipes.
And then, finally, we stick an index finger of cayenne in him.
- What?! - Yeah, just for adrenaline.
Where do we put the finger, in his ass? Wait, really? Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
- I was kidding.
I was just kidding when I said that.
- But you're serious? - Oh, yeah.
We're going to literally jerk him off and finger his butthole? - Yep.
- Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I guess it's a good night to be Nathan.
[BREAST PUMP PULSATING.]
- Don't you look at me.
- No, I was just You know what, it's kind of a big night for me tonight.
We got a raid later, so I might go back to the car.
Cock-block much? You fucking cock-blocker.
It's been way too long since Leary got the bricks put to her.
Well, actually, yeah, it's been a while since Tolbeck gave the bricks to someone.
I don't is that a saying? Hey, you know what, we should have 'em play a sexy game, like Truth or Dare.
- What? - Yeah.
How's it going, guys? Cullen and I have a game we'd like you to play.
Uh, yeah, Truth or Dare.
Cullen, not Truth or Dare.
Truth or Dare is for kids.
How about, uh, Honesty and Action? LEARY: Yes, so fun.
How do you play? You can either ask for an honest answer to a question or request that someone do an action you specify.
That sounds exactly like Truth or Dare.
Shut the fuck up, Cullen, you little bitch.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, I'll start.
I action Tolbeck to kiss the nearest girl.
Oh, copy that.
Oh, wish they weren't raiding the cockfight.
I really wanted to put down some scratch.
I hear the challenger, Señor Feathers, is a dummy bird.
- Huh.
- FBI shill.
- How do you know? - A gal pal down at FBI.
And I'll tell you, if this raid wasn't happening, I'd put all my money down on Big Boy.
Hmm.
I think cockfighting is cruel - and disgusting.
- Oh, really? Well, you know what I think? Your hypocrisy is disgusting.
What? How's your chicken salad? - I'm not eating a chicken salad.
- Really? Your mass-produced, hormone-saturated, de-beaked, terrified torture bird salad? I'm not eating a chicken salad.
And let me tell you something else they don't tell you on CNN.
They love to fight.
I think they want to fly.
I think they'd love to fly.
Are you kidding me? They get to die in noble battle.
It's majestic.
I mean, why do you think they call it "the beautiful sport"? - Do they? - Yeah.
I just read a whole article on cockfighting.
I'll send it to you.
Okay.
And just for the record, I have not been eating a chicken salad.
Oh, that's what you're gonna take from this conversation.
Everything I just said, that's all that you It's always about you, isn't it? [SIGHS.]
Okay, my turn.
My turn.
Okay, I action Bell to stop pumping milk.
This is for my child, Cullen.
Yeah, I action Cullen to drink Bell's milk.
Oh CULLEN: No, Bell doesn't want me to do that.
That milk is for her child.
Uh, I do want you to do that.
I think it'd be hilarious.
- Fucking do it.
- Yeah, come on, man, do it.
CULLEN: I'm not drinking more weird shit.
TOLBECK: Drink it, drink it.
Okay, easy for you to say.
You get all the sexy actions.
I had to lick my shoe and punch myself in the face.
Shut the fuck up.
[GROANS.]
Drink it.
Drink it.
- Drink it.
- Fucking drink it.
You know what, it's actually fine.
- Tastes like buttermilk.
- Ew! - Did he do it? - Ew - What? It's a compliment.
- Fucking disgusting.
You guys wanted me to drink it.
Yeah, drink it, not like it.
[ROOSTER CLUCKING.]
[MOANING STRANGELY.]
Should I be looking at him or-or you or ? - Definitely don't look at him.
- Oh, okay.
[BIRD SCREECHING QUIETLY.]
Hey, o-once we're done here, you can take off.
No, I can't just get out of here.
I'm running this cockfight.
Plus, I got to do the money run later.
You're doing the money run? Yeah.
Uh, I don't you shouldn't do the I-If you get caught, that's, like, a huge charge against you, if you've got all that money.
Y-You should not do the money run.
Why would I get caught? [NATHAN COOING.]
I-I don't know.
I mean, it's a cockfight.
You know what I mean? There's always a chance - we're gonna get caught - Shh.
If you keep talking, he's not gonna come.
[CLUCKING.]
TOLBECK: So, before, when you said that, uh, - we made out? - Yeah.
We didn't.
No.
Okay, so I'm a little bit confused, then.
- I mean, why are you here? - Okay, I just need a break.
Okay? - You need a break? - Yeah.
A break from what? From Bell.
Yeah, she is relentless.
You know, we are always on.
Always shit-talking and, you know, putting people down, and the truth is, she will not let me be myself.
You know, she is always telling me how to act, like, "Don't be too feminine.
" Yeah.
She actually buys all my clothes online for me, and flat-lays my outfits on my bedroom floor every night before bed.
- Do you guys live together? - Yeah.
She made me move in with her and her kids after her husband left.
And now I can't leave, because she has such uh, deep rage.
CULLEN: You know, honestly I feel like the Carlsbad Cannibal is kind of the luckiest thing - that ever happened to you two.
- Spare me the jealousy, you fucking loser.
Okay? We get it every day.
- We get it every day.
- I'm not jealous, I'm not no, I'm not jealous.
I'm just saying, I read the report.
Okay? And the guy was barely a cannibal.
He chewed a couple fingers, - at best.
- All right.
- You read the report? - Yeah, and let's say the book was better than the movie.
Well, what you didn't read in the report was that he always pissed on people.
And he had a tiny-ass urethra, so the stream was extremely powerful.
Jesus, how do you know that? Because I saw it up close.
Before Leary found me, he fucking had me.
And he tied me up and that man peed on me.
He got me real good, too.
I still have nightmares about it.
I still wake up with a fucking phantom wet foot from that.
This man peed on me so much, whatever amount of pee you're picturing, it's so much more than that.
Well, I'm picturing you, like, drenched.
Completely drenched.
Double it.
Have you ever been peed on? No, and I have never drunk anybody's pee or, you know, anything like that, if that's what you're thinking.
I'm just saying, I haven't I don't know this is not my story, this is your thing.
Go.
You go, please.
Leary and I were ordered not to talk to the media.
So the peeing stuff never came out.
And once the papers gave him a flashy name, that stuck, and it was, it was good for the department, so that was that.
[SNIFFLES.]
[CRYING.]
: It's like I'm fucking dehydrated all the time.
I-I can't look at liquids.
- Do you like water? - Yeah.
I fucking love water.
I can't drink it anymore.
- I know.
- 'Cause it reminds me - of the pee.
- Pee.
I can't imagine what that feels like.
You want to know what it feels like? Hey.
What the fuck? That.
Who's the little bitch now? I never called you a little bitch.
- Yeah.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
You obviously need to get this off your chest.
Do you want another dick punch? I'm sorry the Carlsbad Cannibal peed on you.
Well, he didn't.
So shut up.
You just told me he did in incredible detail.
Well, I was lying, and you fell for it.
- [VOICE BREAKING.]
: You fucking fell for it.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- [CRYING.]
: You fell for it.
- Okay.
[CRYING.]
Hey.
Don't fucking touch me.
[SOBBING.]
: Don't fucking touch me Okay LEARY: You know, I-I, uh I thought about becoming one of Haldeman's dirty cops just so I could get caught and go to jail and not see her anymore.
That's so sad.
So, um, do you want to make out? Uh, I don't fucking kiss people.
Oh.
But I could give you a hand job.
Oh, that'll be super.
[UNZIPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
Here we go.
FATIMA: All units, stand by.
Get in position for the raid.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit, shit, shit.
Uh, Dispatch, uh, can we hold off on that raid for, like, five minutes, please? Uh, no.
Uh, okay, how about two minutes? Just two minutes, please? Two minutes? Two minutes? Nope.
- [SIGHS.]
- We are beginning the raid.
Confirm you're in position and ready.
TOLBECK: This is Car 27, in position.
Copy that.
The crowd is gathering for the cockfight.
Just waiting for the final go from FBI, any second now.
["IN A BLACK OUT" BY HAMILTON LEITHAUSER PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CLUCKING.]
I live in a nameless town - No need - Hey.
- It's okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Nathan had a good life.
You know? I mean, I don't know that.
But he had a killer last day.
I suspect.
[SNIFFLES.]
Many friends have said good-bye Paraded out in FRANKIE: He's here.
That's El Chappie.
I say they all just lost [CHEERING, APPLAUSE.]
Their minds Hey.
Don't worry.
It's your first cockfight, all right? Nathan is only gonna suffer a couple of minutes, tops.
Halogen lamps Oh, it all went away BELL: All SDPD units in place.
FATIMA: Roger that.
Raid will move forward on word from Goldilocks.
Stand by.
MAN: Let's bring El Chappie down.
Copy that.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it.
[EXHALES.]
When the tide comes Rolling WOMAN: All units, be advised, SWAT is waiting on FBI's word.
What are you doing? You good? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Everything's good.
- Yeah.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
That cock is huge.
- It's a huge fucking cock.
- Yeah.
All units, stand down.
I repeat: all units, stand down.
FBI override.
The raid has been canceled.
[BOTH GROAN.]
- What? Again? - Oh, man.
Jesus Christ.
I wore this suit for nothing.
Shit, they canceled the raid? I got to call my bookie.
Yeah, username JJ246, password is bingbong123.
Yeah, I want you to empty my account and put it all on Big Boy.
Everything! A room [CROWS.]
With all our stuff When you come home MARCO: Come on, Nathan, come on, Nathan.
I'd lift you up And there's only the two of us Come on, Nathan, come on, Nathan.
Come on, Nathan! Come on, Nathan! [CROWS.]
Oh! Ugh.
I don't want to look.
- Whoa.
- Ugh, yikes.
- Ooh, damn.
- Come on, Nathan.
Come on, Nathan! - Come on yes, yes, yes! - Murder! - Murder! - Bring it! - Bring it! Yes, yes, yes, oh! - Yeah, yeah.
There's only the two of us [CRUNCHES.]
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH CHEER AND LAUGH.]
Now you're sleeping in the back Of a speeding yellow cab Throw a kiss good-bye To all of that.