Norsemen (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

As I'm sure you know, Arvid and his gang of vermin and pests from Norheim have stripped me of my hands.
But that is something Jarl Varg considers a challenge.
Not a problem! Or two challenges, and not two problems.
I guess.
And this blacksmith has made new prostheses for me.
These.
Miserable craftsmanship.
Nowhere near up to standard.
I want prostheses that are better than hands.
Prostheses that will give me an advantage.
Both in daily life and battle.
Jarl, I tried my best, I really did.
But this is the year 791.
And that is how far we have come in our metalworking.
Right? Yes.
You are Norway's best blacksmiths.
He who gives me the best prostheses will become a rich man.
Rich beyond belief.
The rest shall follow this fate What? No! No, I beg you.
No.
Please, I beg you.
Have mercy! Please, Jarl! No! I have a family, Jarl.
Please.
Jarl, have mercy.
No! All right! It happened.
It should not have happened, but it happened.
And so I will learn from this.
And I will go over my routines and I will fix this.
Jarl, please, I beg you! I should have had some birch bark or Maybe some dry grass.
I wonder if these branches have gotten a little wet.
It worked when I tried it earlier today.
Nope.
Nothing.
No.
It's not working.
That was very unfortunate.
My bad.
Now, join me on a small journey.
Close your eyes, and imagine that the fire is burning like crazy.
The flames crackle pleasantly and start licking the body of this miserable blacksmith.
Helpless, he tosses his head back and forth.
Screaming in fear and pain.
Eventually his all-consuming screams die down.
And when the flames' dance ends, nothing but a charred, mute lump is left behind.
Now you can open your eyes again.
See? The images you create in your mind are often more powerful than the real thing.
Those mental images should motivate you to work even harder to give me something better than these piece-of-shit hands.
Now get to work! By Loki! Cause of death? I think most likely the boulder.
Yeah, you think? And the motive is probably the map.
Yeah, maybe.
There isn't much else here shim could be after.
Shim? It's impossible to see if it's a man or a woman, so I thought it would be best to say shim.
In order to not step on any toes.
Yeah.
I wonder who's behind this.
Or maybe shim wanted the map for shimself? I would think Jarl Varg is behind it.
He's been itching for that map for quite some time.
Yeah, but he said we were even, so Hi.
- Hi.
- Good thing the trap worked.
You can't just come and steal maps from us.
No.
I think this whole "taking a break" stuff sucks.
Can't we just forget about this? We both want it.
Even if Liv is back, she can't rule over us.
The last few days have been horrible.
I haven't slept since Since we took the break.
- Me neither.
- You haven't? Well, I have.
But it feels like I haven't.
I haven't eaten since.
Except for yesterday.
I had a big dinner.
I had no choice.
I was so hungry.
Hey Can't we just say it's you and me? The two of us, together? You and me But we can rape when we pillage, right? Yeah, sure.
Any reason for disturbing my meal? My apologies, but the master thief who was supposed to retrieve the map was killed.
Crushed like a bug.
So my cunning plan failed? You could say that.
Midriff.
Temple.
That was great.
Sometimes it just builds up inside of me.
You want some porridge? I love porridge! Arvid? What do you think you're doing, barging in like that? Is this what you want? No, or Is this really what you want? That your own son, the sole heir to this village, should grow up in a tent? Kicked out by his own father? Because he didn't have big enough testicles to face up to his witch of a wife? I'd be a little careful now, if I were you.
Arvid You have to choose if you want to continue your life with a son who doesn't want anything else but your love.
- Give me a break! - Or If you want to banish him forever.
Alone.
Forsaken.
With no hope.
No future.
Arvid This is your decision.
The most important decision you will ever make.
Well The thing is, we kind of decided Because Liv thinks Or I, I think We both, as a team, think That.
Hormones.
Loki There you are! I hardly recognized you without your heads dripping with fresh urine.
Real mature, Hildur.
Pee, poo and fart jokes are the worst jokes of all.
- Humor is subjective.
- Yeah, but that joke has no layers.
And it's hurtful.
For your information, I feel offended now.
Great.
Anyway, I need you to get me something.
I need a rabbit, a sack and a bowl.
Oh? Well, I need acceptable sanitary conditions, challenging lyrical poetry and something other than subhumans around me.
But I don't go around nagging others about it.
Rufus and Orm, you're slaves.
Your job is to do whatever we tell you to.
And now I need a rabbit, a sack and a bowl.
Yes, OK.
Or I'll have your ball-sacks whipped.
And I mean that literally.
You're literally! They say the first thing that goes when you lose your hands, are your fine motor skills.
Could very well be.
Look at me! I can't even drown defenseless kittens.
Pathetic! But anyone can walk around with hands.
It's the easiest thing in the world.
Even small babies have hands.
It's when you don't have any hands, new things start happening.
That's when it gets exciting.
Stop the flattery! Sorry.
Anything in particular? Arvid is smarter than I thought.
We tried to take the map by force.
We tried through cunning.
It's time to play our last card.
Treason! I'm talking about a man on the inside.
I'm talking about high treason! Hi, guys! There you are.
Hi, Orm.
I'll just take a hug.
No socializing today either? This is a pretty lame gang, Kark.
Everybody is so exhausted.
But it's important to have some social interaction as well, not only work.
You bond in a completely different way when you meet in a different setting.
Yeah, that would be lovely, but maybe some other day? But we really should try to do that.
We should.
You know, I'm going to take care of this.
And I'm not going to quit until every one of us is sitting around a fire, barbecuing and enjoying each other's company.
That sounds super.
I'm already looking forward to it, Orm.
- Nighty-night, Karky.
- Good night, Orm.
- Good night, Rufus.
- Shut it! Seriously? You're having an after-work mead without me? You know, I was the driving force behind this exact concept.
No, this was totally accidental.
I mean, I just had to get up and pee.
I think all of you also had to just get up and pee.
I was just airing my old cunt craver.
And I was just airing my fur burger.
Yeah, so this was kind of a spontaneous thing.
It's nothing planned.
You all know that the spontaneous things are the ones that turn out to be the most fun! Maybe because we have lower expectations and you can relax a bit more.
So it's just pouring salt into the wound saying that it was spontaneous.
Sorry about that.
Kark.
My best friend and workmate, sneaking out like this? We're practically blood brothers.
Either you are blood brothers, or you are not.
Do you know why we don't take you on these social activities? No, honestly, I don't.
OK, it's because if you were here, we would all be sitting and having to listen to your boring anecdotes and fables.
My anecdotes are nothing but extremely interesting.
- No, they are not.
- Odd, please Nobody here is interested in what you have dreamt and what your dreams might mean.
It's extremely boring.
You know what? All of you in general, and you specifically, Kark, you have hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt anybody, ever.
I'm really sorry.
I No! After a long and strenuous journey, you have just reached the peak of Mount Hurtfulness.
You have climbed to the pinnacle of the Hurt Tree.
You've shattered the hurt ceiling.
And I hope that you are proud of yourselves.
- Come on, Orm.
Just come here.
Sit down.
- No, no.
Take part in the festivities.
I mean, I saved a rat drumstick for you.
- It's too late.
- Orm Being excluded by the ones who are at the bottom of the social ladder, the subhumans Orm No, no.
It's too late.
Too late.
That would be kind of nice.
Maybe just some have some dinner.
Why not? Hope you're happy now.
I gave birth alone in the forest.
But before I even got to hold the little prince, a wolf came and snatched him away.
Oh, no.
Think if it was my son! Was it a plump boy? - A corpulent baby? - With a curved spine? Thanks for all the support! I imagine Thor and Odin will be very pleased with you.
- Really? You think so? - For Loki's sake, Arvid! Thor and Odin will not be pleased with you.
That was irony.
- Never heard of it.
- It's a brand new linguistic tool.
Anyway.
You're both going to end up in disfavor for having killed a chieftain's son.
Especially you, Liv.
Since you were the driving force behind this baby killing.
No! Sorry to have brought you here by force, but you wouldn't have come willingly.
- Huh? - I said I'm sorry that I brought you Whatever.
Orm.
You and I have a mutual enemy.
An enemy that keeps us from our destiny.
- Kark? - No.
Arvid.
He's keeping you from your rightful throne.
And he's keeping me from my rightful map.
I see And you think we can do something about that? I don't know.
Arvid is so powerful.
I think it's very risky.
Orm, sometimes you have to drop your shield and attack with both hands.
Meet me here in the light of the next full moon.
And I will give you everything you need in order for us to be victorious.
That sounds great! Excellent.
Excellent.
But I Hello? I see you.
I saw you when you took the cape.
I can see you down that little hill.
Yeah.
I have some big news.
I'm going to be chieftain again.
- Chieftain? - Yes, and I have big plans for you too.
But first I need you to join me in doing something gruesome.
I'm in.
On one condition.
That I can return home to Rome at the first possible opportunity.
OK, people.
Then there are three blacksmiths left.
The next one out has come all the way from the county of Vestfold.
Exciting.
I haven't seen what's been made before.
So it's kind of like shooting from the hip.
But people in Vestfold were very impressed.
With this one you can eat.
Like normal.
And this one should function like a regular hand.
Just with slightly stiffer fingers? Next, Torstein.
No, no.
You go.
- You have been here before.
- Yes.
I hope you've got something better this time.
Oh, yes.
I'm pleased myself, so Right.
I give you something cutting edge.
Prostheses in three dimensions.
And next, Torstein.
Eh Your stumps, if I may.
Fantastic.
This is really great.
Wow! And it's not just good design.
They have a hidden secret.
Secrets? Ah, secrets! Shadow play.
Puzzles.
Perfect There you are! We have put together a fairly foolproof plan, which I think you are Is something wrong? Do I have something in my teeth? It's good to see you again.
We didn't get a proper goodbye last time.
You don't remember? Just drop the masquerade, Hound.
What are you talking about? - You came inside me.
- Came inside you? I think you may be confusing me with You remember me better now? "Yes, come on!" "Come on, come on!" No! No No.
Torstein, Torstein Let me share some wise words with you that will turn these feelings that you're experiencing now, upside down.
It's not the sexual organ you fall in love with, but the person it's on.
You don't develop feelings for the cavernous body itself or the vulva.
So you mustn't be so hard on yourself, Hound.
You just need to learn the art of surrendering.
Accept your urges and your emotions.
In a few years time, what we did will probably be accepted here in Norway too.
We just need a couple of strong fellows to lead the way.
- That won't be us.
- It fits.
Back there.
Like a dagger in a scabbard.
- I mean - Wait.
I'm going to stop you right there.
Because I know exactly what you're going to say.
But the timing isn't right.
It can't be us.
Not now.
We have a job to do.
If you could just shut up for a couple of minutes, I'll tell you the plan.
Good.
Finally.
Yes? Orm.
What can I do for you? You are an extremely capable warrior, but you have one weakness.
You're allergic to wasps, is that right? Yes, that allergy is my one Achilles heel, Orm.
How does that allergy manifest itself, specifically? Well actually, one single wasp sting can lead to a serious reaction.
In the worst case, death.
Why are you so curious about my wasp allergy? No specific reason.
Are you still of the opinion that I should be a slave for the rest of your life? - Yes, of course.
- Yes.
Then I guess maybe this is where your journey ends.
Journey? No, no, no, no! Do your thing.
Raise your shield.
Ørn? Arvid! - Something's happened to the Lawspeaker.
- What? I don't know.
He's barely breathing.
We need to go.
Come on! - What's going on, good people? - The Lawspeaker is badly hurt.
Is he dead? Huh? - No.
- No? Good.
- Good.
- That's good.
Yeah Didn't you make sure he was dead? That was not my responsibility.
That was your job! Loki! Come! Come on!