Not Dead Yet (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[NELL] "Estelle Dubroff,
a devoted mother and grandmother,
is survived by"
I still can't believe this,
" 16 children and 49 grandchildren."
How do you remember all their names?
- Patience, love
- Oh.
and name tags.
Lots of name tags.
[GASPS] A Are you thinking
of having children?
Ah, well. I You know.
Don't get me wrong. I love kids.
I guess I'm in a place
in my life right now
where it feels like children might
not be in the cards for me, you know?
- Mmm.
- I know, I know, I should
Don't let it happen.
- I'm sorry, come again?
- Save your vagina.
My vagina? Oh, I [CHUCKLES]
Talking to my doctor. Yeah.
[NELL CHUCKLES]
- Wow. I was not expecting that.
- Sixteen kids.
- That's 16 trips down one canal.
- Oh.
Do you know what that does
to your body? For the first
No, trust me, I have a
great imagination.
But you love them, right?
[SIGHS] Of course.
Do you know who else I love?
My nieces and nephews.
Do yourself a favor.
Be an aunt.
You get all the fun stuff
and none of the hard stuff.
So, you gonna send me off now, or
Yeah. Sounds like
you could use a little me time.
Oh, yeah.
[CLICKS, WHOOSHES]
[SIGHS]
Attention, hirelings.
Please give a warm welcome
to the tallest and most powerful
presence in any space,
my father, your work father,
Duncan Rhodes.
Hello, hello, my essential workers.
I have some very exciting news about me.
It turns out that I will be awarded
the Spirit in Journalism
Lifetime Achievement Award.
Yes! He shoots, he Duncans! [CHUCKLES]
[STAMMERS] Sports.
So, it just goes to show
that if you work hard
and have a lot of money
and sabotage your rivals,
one day, your entire lifetime
could be an achievement
- deserving of an award.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
Oh, hold on.
It seems Father may not be the only one
garnering some recognition.
- Everyone, check your emails.
- [BEEPS]
[GASPS] Oh, my God. I've been
nominated for an award.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- What? I was nominated too!
I didn't get an e-mail.
Not even in my spam folder or anything.
Maybe I need to stand close
to the router.
So, if you need me, I'll be looking into
how to parlay this success
into a run for public office.
Because remember,
sky's the limit when you're me.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Okay. Thank you.
This is so stressful.
Keith is out of town.
His mom can only handle one baby
- at a time, so I need to find a sitter.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Ben is also out of town,
so we need to find a s sitter.
- No, don't! No, no! [GRUNTS]
- [DENNIS] Yes, yes.
I never should have shared
my sitter information with you.
[PHONES BEEP]
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Yes!
- [SAM GROANS]
- [CHUCKLES]
Ashley comes through for the Den-Bens.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Aw. Don't make that face. Your sacrifice
will not be forgotten.
Hey, if you need somebody
to watch the kids,
fun Aunt Nell's
got a lot of fun to give.
Ooh, yes. Yes, I love this. Yeah! Yes!
Okay, so, I will leave the baby
with Keith's mom.
And Tilly has been feeling
jealous about her baby brother,
so she could use some one-on-one time
with her favorite auntie. Perfect!
Awesome. Yeah, Tills is my best bestie.
She really gets me, you know?
Plus, I've been itching for an excuse
- to wear that princess dress again.
- Mmm.
Because I'm not just her godmother
[IMITATING CORLEONE]
I'm a fairy godmother.
I'm gonna make her an offer
she can't refuse.
Something tells me you've never seen
The Godfather.
[NORMAL VOICE] Really? I
How do you figure?
What do you think, Arthur?
You like my fort?
- [ARTHUR WINES]
- Top-notch, huh?
[GASPS] A bra?
What's all this?
I'm building a princess fort.
Tilly's coming over.
What's all this?
Belongs to my lady friend.
Would've been nice to get a
heads-up that a child was coming over.
Would've been nice
to get a heads-up that
you're hooking up on our communal couch.
Disgusting. I don't love it.
Who is this person anyway?
Can't tell you. [SMACKS LIPS]
- Signed an NDA.
- [GASPS]
They're definitely famous. Come on.
Is it Selena Gomez? Judy Blume?
[GASPS, TRILLS TONGUE]
Martha Stewart? Are you her new Snoop?
I appreciate you understanding
that I could woo this caliber
of women, Nell.
However, I can't confirm,
nor can I deny, any of your assumptions.
Fine. Why do you even care
that a kid's coming over?
I thought you were going out
tonight with Charlize?
Nice try. My lover's busy,
which means I will be playing
Star Rim all night,
which also means I will be
commandeering your fort.
Don't worry. Tilly and I will stay
out of your gross, sex-swept hair.
I have lots of fun activities planned
because I am fun Aunt Nell.
Deejay Air Horn.
[IMITATES AIR HORN]
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Oh!
- [GASPS] Hey, bestie!
- Hi, bestie!
Arthur!
Thank you again for watching her
on such short notice.
Don't thank me.
Thank the Spirit In Journalism Committee
for failing to recognize my work.
Now you take that shimmer eye
and that sweet peach for a spin.
- This one? Mmm.
- [GASPS, GRUNTS]
Tilly!
All right, Princess Tillifer
of the House of Tilly,
shall we stroll the village and grace
the commoners with your presence?
Sorry, Aunt Nell, I I'm not really
into this princess stuff anymore.
I think I just wanna read on the couch.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Reading is great, you know.
I'm into it. Let's get
lit-erature. [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna go change
real quick, you know?
This dress doesn't let me breathe.
Isn't this wonderful?
We're finally getting
the recognition we deserve,
like Jennifer Coolidge,
or brussels sprouts.
- Do I have a back crease?
- It's corduroy. It's one giant crease.
Look at me, though.
I am out in the world.
I am enjoying myself.
I'm on my second martini
and I'm feeling
Oh, God, no. I'm actually
feeling quite nauseous.
- I should slow down, hey? Yeah.
- Yeah. Maybe slow down a little.
Well, I am so proud of both of you.
And no matter what happens here tonight,
the fact that you were both nom
- Clap!
- [DENNIS GASPS]
[SAM] What?
Thank you. Oh! Who's this hottie?
Hello, Father. Yes, it's to scale.
I wish I was that thin.
Isn't this exciting?
Your first Lifetime Achievement Award,
and you're 15 years younger
than when Rupert got his.
You always think it's gonna be amazing
when you make your first ten million
or you buy your second island.
But I have to tell you,
it pales in comparison
to being recognized
with a sit-down dinner.
Now, I know
what Gandhi must have felt like
if Gandhi had
a full head of hair. [CHUCKLES]
I'm better Gandhi.
[LEXI] Yes, you are, Father.
Clap for better Gandhi!
[CROWD CHEERS]
Okay, bestie!
So, I didn't find any books,
but I did find a Glamour mag
that is three years old,
but I think it should probably
hold up, but, um
[CHUCKLES] Uh, Tilly? Is this boring
man forcing you to play some dumb game?
- She wanted to play.
- What?
[EDWARD] And she's been
surprisingly helpful.
She found a break
in the space-time continuum.
I play Star Rim with my dad
when he's home,
so I know all the shortcuts.
But, um, wouldn't you
rather do some TikTok dances?
We can even do a lift this time.
I went on a date with a chiropractor.
He taught me how to engage my core,
so I won't hurt my back again.
But we're almost at the outer cosmos.
Oh, cool. Cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool. Yeah.
Fun Aunt Nell
knows how to pivot. [CHUCKLES]
- [WEAPONS FIRING ON TV]
- Here we go.
- [NELL CLEARS THROAT]
- [CREATURE ROARS ON TV]
So, is that an alien, or just a
[BOTH] Shh.
[CRUNCHING]
[WEAPONS FIRING]
[NELL] How long is this game?
How big is the universe?
Oh! She's about to land our pod
on the landing dock!
- Yes!
- Good game.
Good game.
Oh, that's, um,
that's our secret handshake.
But, I gue I mean, it's not a secret
anymore, 'cause you guys just did it.
Anyway, it's fine.
Um, so, do you want to revisit
those TikTok dances?
I just learned a BTS dance.
Girl. [GRUNTS]
That's kind of cringe, Aunt Nell.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
I was just saying it ironically.
Anything else you wanna do, Tills?
Well, I have been wanting
to open up a restaurant.
Ooh, top-chef Tilly in the house.
Can I get a table for one, please?
- [TILLY] Edward?
- I could eat.
Right this way.
- [SIGHS]
- I'll be back to take your order.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I don't know what kind of wizardry
you're doing on the little kid,
but, um [SMACKS LIPS]
Tilly was always all about me.
And I don't know why she
suddenly is into you more.
Kids can be weird.
Maybe one day,
your kids will like you more.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, I mean, if I
even have any. [INHALES DEEPLY]
I assumed as much.
You assumed? You assumed.
I am so sorry.
Why would you assume that?
Well, for starters, your living
situation and your job situation.
Also, you have a lack of urgency
to find a mate.
Because I'm not desperate.
If it happens, it happens.
Oof. That's kind of a flawed way
of looking at things,
considering at your age,
pregnancy is labeled geriatric,
and your odds of conceiving dwindling
by the menstrual cycle.
At this rate, your fertility
window isn't really closing,
it's kinda painted shut.
- Welcome to Chez Tilly.
- [NELL] Uh.
May I start you off with some water?
Sparkling or flat?
Tap. She's trying to upsell us already.
Can I be seated
at another table, please?
Sorry. We're fully accommodated tonight.
[EDWARD] Crawfish
at this time of the year?
Color me skeptical, but I'll try it.
I cannot believe
my lifetime is being awarded.
Congratulations on sitting next to me.
You must have done something right.
Thank you, Mr. Rhodes.
I really needed to hear that,
because I'm actually thinking
of what I might say in case I win.
Something like, "It's a honor."
An? An honor? A A hon-or?
Oh, no. I've said it so many times,
now it doesn't make sense in my mouth.
Oh, you're a nervous
little fellow, aren't you?
Hey, Duncan's portion
seems a little bit
bigger than the rest of ours.
I mean, I could eat this steak
in, like, two bites.
Oh, it makes total sense, Sam.
He got the rib eye,
you got the mini mignon.
Huh. Also, I don't recognize anyone else
nominated in my category.
I mean, except for maybe
that guy over there
who I'm pretty sure is
from a GEICO commercial.
Oh, yes. What a shame.
So many journalists have to take on
commercial work to make ends meet.
- It's really the sad state of journalism.
- Uh-huh.
[CLEARS THROAT] Um,
gentle reminder, Ms. Rhodes,
um, you only booked the space
until 9:00 p.m.
- Yes.
- We have an AA meeting coming in next.
- We're gonna need time to
- I'm aware of the schedule. Yes.
We will be gone in time,
you jackal! Get out of here.
- How much of that did you hear?
- How much do you think?
- So, all of it.
- Mm-hmm.
We'll be right back, Father.
Boy, get another picture
of my father eating.
[CHUCKLES]
[PHOTOGRAPHER] Mr. Rhodes,
please, over here.
Okay, fine. It's all fake.
The awards aren't real.
I just paid for it all.
The space, the dinner,
the other nominees
I mean, the emcee's my mechanic
who owed me a favor.
Why would you do this?
'Cause I wanted my dad to see
how well the paper
was being run under my charge.
And to give my friends
a night to remember.
[ANNOUNCER] The winner
of Metro Editor of the year,
Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.
Oh, it's happening! I'm happening!
[CHUCKLES] This is the greatest
night of my life.
- [CHEERING]
- [BREATHES HEAVILY]
What? Have you talked to him recently?
- He really needs this.
- Alexis.
[SCREECHING]
Nell, could you stop? Stop!
Stop with the noise
Hmm?
please. You don't even
need a knife with that salmon.
It's smooth as butter.
Oh, can you not tell me
how to eat my food?
And if you must know, I was actually
using the knife on the cauliflower
which is a bit undercooked.
Is everyone enjoying their meal?
Oh, yes. The food is so yummy.
Okay, where do I begin?
At this price point, the branzino,
it shouldn't have bones.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Also, I ordered linguine,
and, here, take a look.
You see that? It sticks.
When it sticks to the wall,
it means it's overcooked.
I am so sorry, sir.
I'll take this right back
and speak to Chef.
Thank you.
- Can I try some of your squash?
- What
Do you ever stop to think
about what you're gonna say
before you say it?
And how, maybe,
what you say might hurt people?
Critiques are necessary
if she wants to run
a successful restaurant
- in this economy.
- That isn't
Your soufflé, sir. On the house.
Now we're talking. Thank you.
Looks moist, fluffy.
You know the secret to
a stable soufflé? Older eggs.
[GROANS] It That's so
interesting. It's so interesting
So, what you're saying is that
you like older eggs in your dessert,
but not in your human women?
Did I get that right?
I'll go get your check.
I'm starting to think
this isn't about the soufflé.
You think?
- Thank you for this incredible honor.
- [APPLAUDING]
Sam, you can't leave now. They
haven't announced your award yet.
What award? None of this is real.
I actually have a lot going on at home
right now, okay? I
really don't need this.
I know and I'm sorry.
I thought if I dedicated an entire night
to my father winning an award,
then finally he would say
"thank you" to me.
[ANNOUNCER] And the winner
for Best Style Editor goes to
Sam Holkar.
- [APPLAUDING]
- [ATTENDEE CHEERS]
Okay, fine. But now you owe me
lots and lots of
Something I haven't thought of yet.
Thank you. But keep your speech short.
The AA people are eyeing the bar,
and I would hate to be the cause
of another relapse.
- Thanks.
- I don't know why you're so upset.
I'm just stating facts.
Well, your facts are rude.
Fact, facts can't be rude.
Facts can only be facts.
Rude is your interpretation
of the facts,
which, again, they're just facts.
No, rude is your dumb mouth
which spouts your dumb facts.
Now that's actually rude.
What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to lie to you
and say that you have billions
and billions of eggs,
and you could have a baby
until you're 90 or something?
[GROANS, GRUNTS]
Nell! That's a '97 Syrah and you
just two-buck-chucked it at me!
Well, you're lucky it's not
the fork, which is real!
[TILLY] Stop it!
Why is everybody always fighting?
Can't we just have one nice dinner?
- [WHISPERING] Oh.
- It'd be nice if we could taste
a little of that passion in the food.
[STRAINS, GRUNTS]
Hey, Tilly, sweetie, you all right?
Are you upset?
[SIGHS] Was it Edward?
Was it me?
- Mm-mmm.
- Is it your baby brother?
He sucks, but no.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay. Well,
if you wanna talk about it, I'm here.
Or we don't have to talk
about it if you don't want to.
I could just sit here with you.
[SIGHS] Whenever Daddy's home,
Mommy and Daddy fight
like how you guys were fighting.
Mommy pretends everything
is okay, but I know it's not.
Oh, sweetie. Wow.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, is that why you wanted
to play Star Rim?
So that you can feel close to Daddy?
I think Mommy and Daddy fight
because I fight my brother
and they're mad at me.
No. No, no, no. Tilly. Come here.
That is not your fault, okay?
If Mommy and Daddy are fighting,
that has nothing to do with you.
And they love you so much.
You're the best thing
[CHUCKLING]
that ever happened to them.
- You know how I know?
- How?
Because they tell me, like,
all the time.
They're like, "Tills, she is
the best. I love Tilly so much.
If Tilly were ice cream, she would
be my favorite flavor."
- [TILLY CHUCKLES]
- And I happen to think
that your parents
have some really great taste,
because you're my favorite flavor.
I'm just gonna take scoops out of you.
Let me just get a little bite of this.
- [STRAINS] Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
- [CHUCKLING]
Sorry we didn't do all
the fun stuff we usually do.
Oh, I'm not here for just that.
Yeah, I mean,
I'm here for all of it.
Nell, I actually don't think TikTok
dances are cringe
when you're doing them.
Right? [CLICKS TONGUE]
Oh, I got the moves. You know it.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Speaking of thanks,
there's a lot of folks
I would like to thank tonight.
[WHISPERING] Ma'am, we really need to
[SHUSHES, WHISPERING] This is it.
Carl, my accountant,
your work offshore and on
has been nothing short of tremendous.
[WHISPERING] It's ten after 9:00.
- The AA people are breathing down
- Just give me one more minute.
My stylist, Jacques Oh, my goodness.
Merci beaucoup, my friend.
And finally, someone
who is quite literally
the reason we are all here tonight,
without whom, none of this
could've been possible.
[WHISPERING] This is it.
Johannes Gutenberg, the
inventor of the printing press.
[CROWD MURMURS, CHUCKLES]
[DUNCAN CHUCKLES] I just learned
that. Yeah.
Okay. Wow. Heavy.
- [APPLAUDING]
- Thank you. Good night.
Tear it all down.
Hey. Um, call me crazy,
but I think my award is peeling
and, uh and underneath,
it says, um, "Number One Dad"
which is I don't wanna
cry again. But, um
You know Let's circle back
to this fun day.
[CHUCKLES] Have a good night.
[NELL] So how'd it go?
- The entire ceremony was fake.
- What?
Lexi concocted the entire thing
to impress her father.
That's insane. I know, insane.
But totally on-brand. On-brand and sad.
Hey, so, if it makes
you feel any better
- Uh-huh?
- we had fake dinner tonight.
Ooh, she finally got Chez Tilly
off the ground. Good for her.
Yeah, soft opening. But it was nice.
- How's she doing? Where is she?
- She's asleep in my room.
- Oh.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait, real quick.
- Hmm?
- Um.
So we had, like, a little talk earlier
and, um, she kinda told me that
you and Keith are not in the best place.
Wow.
Nothing gets past that kid, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
Is he in San Francisco because
of work or because of you guys?
- A little bit of both.
- Oh.
Yeah, he's up there 'cause
he's gotta work longer,
and we are taking some time apart
until we figure things out.
Whoa, mama. I am so sorry.
I I had no idea.
It's been really hard trying
to handle all of it on my own.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I'm here. I got you.
You're not on your own.
- I know.
- No, you have to know that.
I am here for you for whatever you need.
You know, especially
when it comes to the kids.
Girl, fun Aunt Nell.
What you gonna do? Pew, pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew. Oh
Stop all of that. Just give me a hug.
All of it?
I love you. I love you.
What are you doing?
I know we only ate imaginary food,
but I hate fingerprints on the dishes.
- [SIGHS]
- I'm sorry I upset you earlier.
I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
I thought I was just saying facts,
but I now realized those facts came
across as rude because
you said they were.
I appreciate that.
You know, but if I'm being honest, uh,
I think I needed that reality check.
I keep hiding behind saying,
"If it happens, it happens."
But the truth is is it won't happen
if I don't make it happen.
And I do want it to happen.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I was with Tilly earlier.
It just felt right.
And, like, maybe I'd be good
at being a mom.
- I'm really glad to hear you say that.
- Yeah?
Because after our tiff,
I did a little cursory research,
and it turns out the facts
are more encouraging
- than I previously thought.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
There are a lot of women who
have healthy children at your age.
I do think you wanna focus on your diet
a little bit better,
- I know that's an uphill battle for you.
- Got it, thanks.
- You could also freeze your eggs.
- Oh.
It is very costly, and you're,
well Let's face it, you're poor.
Edward!
I'm just saying
I think you will be great at it.
So just say that.
[SIGHS]
You would be great at it.
- Thank you.
- [WATER SLOSHING]
Okay. Well, you didn't dry the plate.
I did. There's gonna be rings
It's plenty dry! We'll switch spots.
Father, this isn't easy,
but I have something I'd like to say.
I have spent my entire life
trying to impress you.
[CHAIRS RATTLING]
Trying to get your approval,
but you never seem interested.
Well, guess what?
This entire awards show was a sham.
And another thing, I've never liked
your girlfriend, Susan.
Ma'am [SIGHS]
I'm gonna have to charge
your credit card an extra hour.
Yeah Don't interrupt me
when I'm talking to my father!
[BANGING]
Okay, Dad, let's go.
We'll continue this in my car.
I mean, it's cheaper than therapy.