One Day at a Time (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

1 - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [ELENA.]
This is gonna be good.
Sounds like Alex is home.
No, Mami, that's Elena.
But I hear friends.
Hey, Elena.
Who are all these peeps? What's up, peeps? Okay, so stop saying "peeps.
" Oh, 'cause peeps are candy chicks used to celebrate pagan fertility, and women are more than just baby-makers? I get it.
Maybe don't say anything.
Anyway, this is the advocacy group I was telling you about.
The Feminist Gamers of Echo Park.
We've been hanging out online and this is our first meeting IRL.
Welcome.
What's everybody's name? I'm Dani.
My pronouns are "she" and "her.
" Syd.
My pronouns are "they" and "them.
" I'm Margaux.
Pronouns "ze" and "zir.
" I'm Penelope.
My thoughts are "Huh?" and "What?" Seriously, what is happening? Well, because some people are gender non-conforming, they have preferred pronouns.
Ah! I am Lydia.
Pronouns "Ly-dee-a.
" We're going downtown to protest the release of a new video game.
Blood-splosion Six.
I guess you think it's too violent, huh? No, we love that part.
When you create your avatar, there are only two gender non-binary characters.
And the advertising strongly suggested there would be three.
Okay, just, you know, be careful.
Don't worry.
I'll be watching them.
Why would you be watching Syd? - I meant you.
- My pronoun is "her.
" - I thought she was "her.
" - We're both "her.
" You mean "them.
" No, "they" is "them.
" Stop making this confusing.
'Sup? Ay, papito.
You are barking up so many wrong trees.
I love all the activism, but make sure it doesn't affect your homework.
- Because - I need to - build up my transcript.
- Build up your transcript.
- And crush the PSATs! - And crush the PSATs! Wha Yes! That's my girl! Okay, everybody! When we get there, she takes her team to the stairs, ze takes zir team to the parking lot, and they take their team to the corner.
He, she, they, and ze will all meet up at the fair-trade coffee shop - between the two Starbucks.
Got it? - [ALL.]
Got it! [MARGAUX.]
Let's march! She must have practiced that.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
We got a stabilized GSW.
Start one liter normal saline bolus wide open, prep room two.
Page a trauma team.
Hey! I say all that.
I'm sorry.
Nurse practitioner in training.
It's my first day.
I'm a little nervous.
Don't let it happen again.
Do everything she just said.
Penelope Alvarez? Oh, my God.
Max Ferraro? Oh, my God! Oh! I I can't believe you're here! The last time I saw you was in Kabul, right? Yeah, at the field hospital! The one where they turned the mess hall into a salsa club on Thursday nights.
Yeah, that's right.
The Kabul Cabana! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Have you always been this tall? You haven't seen me in a while.
Had a growth spurt at 40.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- It's great to see you! - Yeah! So, how are ya? How's Victor? Uh, Victor, he, um We're divorced.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's in Afghanistan doing the contractor thing.
How's Amber? She's in Altadena, doing our contractor.
Anyway, we're divorced.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Sorry to hear that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, same.
We should, um, get together after work sometime, catch up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh Look, I'm gonna be real with you because you are cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh It's not gonna happen, you know.
Between work, my two kids, and school, I don't have any free time.
Until I graduate, this is my social life.
Nurse Alvarez.
We need you to deal with that anorectal abscess.
Saturday night came early! [CHUCKLES.]
I gotta go drain a butt.
Here you go, Lydia.
A little gift to grab those hard-to-reach items.
Magnificent! Wow.
So when I get older, will I be easily amazed, too? Hush, papito.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Leslie has been so helpful! - [CHUCKLES.]
That's true.
Now Abuelita won't need you to come over and get jars down from the top shelf.
Whoops.
- [LAUGHING.]
My gosh! - So how did it go? Amazing! [LAUGHS.]
We delivered a powerful message and we were heard.
[CHUCKLES.]
Dani was, honestly, inspirational.
So you got them to change the video game? No.
There was no one in the building because it's Saturday.
A security guard said if we came back next week, we can tour the building and get T-shirts.
And we will wear them ironically! Yay, us! [LAUGHS.]
This calls for celebration.
Why don't I cook some food for your friends? Great idea! Do you guys want to stay for dinner? - Sure.
- Oh, you guys have fun, but I gotta go.
So everybody should probably go.
[CHUCKLES.]
- We can meet up next week.
- Yeah.
Bye! - [DANI.]
Bye.
- [MARGAUX.]
Bye.
What a nice group of human people friends.
I heard about the pronoun thing.
Now I'm terrified to speak.
Why are you smiling? I think somebody has a crush on "her.
" Dani? No, I don't! I don't even know her! You have a crush on her! [LAUGHS.]
No, no, no.
When it comes to detecting romance, I am like cousin Aurensio at the beach with his metal detector.
So you found nothing and you're sweating through your shirt? Don't be bashful.
I think it is fantastic to be young and in love and to flirt.
And by the way, I can teach you things because your flirting is de madre.
I wasn't flirting.
And we're not talking about this.
Besides, Mom says I'm too young to date.
But never too young to flirt.
When I came out of my mother's womb, I winked at the doctor! I guess you always had a thing for doctors, huh? Eh, I got over it.
I will teach you to flirt.
If they say something clever, laugh loudly, throw your head back, and reveal your perfect neck.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm a fan of the specific compliment.
I really like your shirt.
It's a great color on you.
¡Gracias, papito! [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
Will you two stop flirting with each other? It's beyond creepy! Oh, welcome home! We are flirting! Qué fun! Ma, when are you not flirting? Are you doing your famous [IMITATES LYDIA LAUGHING.]
Classic.
That's how I get pork loin at half price.
- Wait, what's going on? - Elena has a crush.
A crush? Uh-uh.
No.
I don't need to remind you that while you're in school, there is no time for dating.
Lupe, don't crush her crush.
[SCOFFS.]
You're the one who taught me this! You and Papi constantly made me focus on school.
And I hated it, too, but it ended up being a good thing.
And now I pass the annoyance on to you.
Elena, I'm sorry, but you can't date.
- Fine, can we be done now? - Look, people get crushes.
Maybe you see this person and instantly your knees get weak and your brain starts to melt, and you think maybe I'm not dead inside.
Why did I wear granny panties today? You can't think of anything else because you want them so much.
Well, too bad! We shut that crush down! Because we don't let anything get in the way of our education.
Even maldito crystal blue eyes! Oh, you are so strict.
And very specific.
I don't care.
School comes first, dating comes never.
Okay, whatever! Ay, Lupita, Elena can't help it if she has feelings.
Besides, flirting can be fun, and it doesn't hurt anyone.
[MEOWS.]
Hey, there.
Did you get through your second day okay? Yep.
How'd all that butt stuff go? You mean, was I successful in satisfying the requirements for my clinical studies? I was.
Okay.
You, uh, heading home? No, I'm going to the club.
Why are you being mean? I don't know.
[BOTH EXHALE.]
[WHISPERS.]
Oh, my God.
Por el amor de Dios.
Yeah, I liked it too.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Oh, my God, I did a bad thing.
I mean, it was good.
It was real good.
But bad, bad.
It was such a huge mistake! Oh, I've seen this before.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sex, drugs, or Cheesecake Factory? I met a guy at work, and I slept with him.
What is that, like a Make-A-Wish thing? No! What? No! But it was wrong! And I'm freaking out! Okay, okay, okay, come here, come here.
Just sit down.
Just walk me through what happened.
Paramedic I knew from way back.
I mean, he's He's a really good guy.
- But I don't know him well enough - Yeah.
I'm not interested in the boring history of your friendship.
I was thinking more, "We met in the ER.
- He gave me ten ccs of hot" - No, I'm serious, Schneider! I have never I've never done anything like this before.
I have a strict seven-date policy.
Well, this is the second guy you've hooked up with in 20 years.
Maybe it's time to update that policy.
Dating has changed since the 1800s.
Guilt, shame, and regret are things of the past.
Be sex-positive, girl.
I'm a mother.
I'm sex negative.
I'm dating a mother.
You know her.
Nikki.
Finn's mom? - Yeah! - Ugh.
- Hello, Penelope.
- Hey, hi! Oh, my God! [CHUCKLES.]
I didn't mean anything.
Oh, please.
My self-esteem is bulletproof.
Obviously.
I was just telling Pene about our sitch.
Oh, yeah, it's great.
I come over, tell him to do stuff to me, he does it, I go home.
You should get one.
Oh, no, no, no.
That is okay.
I think what Nikki was kinda dancing around is that you don't always have to have a relationship with a capital "R.
" Sometimes all you need is what the great poets of the Renaissance called a junk buddy.
Exactly.
You don't even have to like them.
Hands.
Ah, see, I don't want that.
I can't have sex without love.
Oh.
That's so sad.
So, are you gonna ask Dani out? What? No.
It's just complicated, okay? I get it.
You don't have a crush on Dani and you don't want to talk about it.
Okay, I do have a crush! I do, I do, I do! Whoa! Act like you've been there.
I haven't been there! The pool of local lesbians my age is not that big.
They could all fit in one pool.
Be a pretty sweet pool.
I just I assumed that coming out was going to be the difficult part, but now that I like someone, I just I don't know if Dani's gay.
What if she's not? I don't want to be the gay girl that asks out a straight girl.
That's such a trope.
Huh.
Gay dating sounds tricky.
I just toss out a couple of "sups," and see who responds.
Being a straight dude is the best.
What I'm really afraid of is that I'll ask Dani out and she'll give me one of those "Oh" - What does that mean? - It means, "I'm not gay and you think I am and now we have a situation.
" You got all that from, "Oh?" I'm just scared.
What if she runs away or something? So instead, you are running away! Abuelita! Can't a girl have a moment of privacy? I live behind a curtain.
When are you going to understand this? Elena, love must be bold.
Well, I'm not sure I should be bold.
I've been told, by more than a few people, that I'm "a lot.
" Who? Mostly you.
It's always been easy for you guys.
What if no one ever likes me? Ah.
Well, it has not always been easy for me.
What? Havana, 1958, I was madly in love with a young boy from the country, Flavio.
We were both 14.
And he looked so majestic on that tractor, with a cigar dangling from his lips.
And I, looking ravishing with a cigar dangling from my lips.
And one day I decided to let him know of my feelings.
And he laughed and he drove away.
That's terrible.
Oh, I was devastated.
I salted the soil with my tears and a beautiful rose grew there.
- Really? - It's a metaphor.
But yes, really.
And as I walked home, I heard the healing sounds of the mambo and I followed my ears to this little dance hall.
And there is where I met Berto.
So you're saying you never would have met Abuelito if you hadn't put yourself out there and been rejected by Flavio? Exactly! Because in love, you have to make yourself vulnerable.
But it's just really hard.
No.
No, mira, this is what you do.
You offer Dani a cookie.
And if she doesn't want it, then it'll be like she's rejecting the cookie, and not you.
And for God's sake, who wants to be with somebody who doesn't even want a cookie? Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
I mean, it beats what I've been doing.
Just staring awkwardly and smelling her hair as she walks by.
You could do better.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Thanks, Abuelita.
That was really nice of you to tell her that story, Abuelita.
Mentiras.
That was my sister Maruchi's story, and you know what? Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you both believe that happened to me.
- Hey! - Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
I was hoping I could bump into you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Can I buy you dinner? Sun Chips? Funyuns? A single $6 Aspirin? God, they gouge you here.
No, thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then how about I take you out on a real date? Somewhere classy, where they make you pay for water.
Listen, Max.
What happened last night, that's not me.
I mean, it was me.
I don't have, like, a really sexy twin.
[CHUCKLES.]
But, um I don't normally do that.
Let's go back to this twin thing.
I'm serious.
So am I! That was a first for me.
I'm actually pretty old-fashioned.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right! Look at you.
You're telling me you never jumped into bed with some cute little car crash victim? Traffic accidents aren't the hook-up spots you think they are.
Actually, when Amber and I broke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
But, you know, after that, I kind of threw myself into work.
Look, last night was great.
Even though we rushed into it I've had a crush on you for like 15 years.
Shut up! Yeah, no, it can never happen again.
Why not? [STUTTERS.]
I get, like, little chunks of 45 minutes here and there.
And I want more than a junk buddy.
"Junk buddy"? Yeah, it's a thing.
Or maybe it's not a thing.
I gotta be honest, I've got some real idiots giving me advice.
It sounds like it.
Oh.
All right.
We've got a problem.
'Cause I like you.
But I don't want to do the hook-up thing, and I don't have time for the romantic thing.
So what do we do? [BOTH EXHALE.]
I need a nap.
Oh, damn, that was good.
We ate an entire pizza in 17 minutes.
And we managed to tell two embarrassing stories from high school.
I'm not sure going to all four senior proms counts as embarrassing.
- But this was fun.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Hey, come on, come on.
Is this crazy? No! I mean, it's not ideal, but it's better than sitting in the back of an ambulance, eating chili.
Oh, pobrecito.
That is so sad.
Well, it's an ambulance, so I usually have company.
I guess that's still sad.
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
So you'd really be okay with just 45 minutes a week? With you? I will take what I can get.
Okay, but we have to keep this a secret 'cause there's no way I can explain to my mom and kids what this is.
I'm gonna tell all my friends 'cause they'll get it.
That's cool with me.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [MAX SIGHS.]
- Mmm.
Okay.
My kids will be home in 25 minutes.
It'll take me 20 minutes to get there.
So what I'm hearing is we got five minutes.
Lucky for you, I can do a lot in five minutes.
I love these unisex shirts.
Could use more blood though.
[SNIFFS AND SIGHS.]
Are you looking to get your courage up? Do you want a little rum? No! I don't even want to talk to her until I know for sure that she's gay.
Mmm.
Wait, what are you doing? Excuse me, "she.
" What color lipstick are you wearing? Oh, I don't wear lipstick.
Just ChapStick.
Oh, nice! Gay.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
Ooh, my girlfriend's out front.
She hates when I make her wait.
And she just bought me a cookie! I love cookies! [CHUCKLES.]
She has a girlfriend.
She's so lucky.
Hey, uh, do you want to split that cookie? Huh? Wait.
Oh Oh, never mind.
Uh, I thought Sorry.
- Sorry, sorry.
- No, no! Gay! Me, gay! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Uh, me gay, too.
- That's great.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Cookie? Uh Yeah.
She is terrible at this.
Thank goodness she has us.
- Mami, don't get mad - What is it? What did you do? I told you not to get mad! Which is the quickest way to make me mad! Okay, let me start again! So I've been talking to Syd Syd? I thought you liked Dani.
Dani is yesterday's news.
Keep up! Anyway, I started talking to Syd and I found out we have so much in common.
And I know you're not crazy about me dating, but I was just wondering if I could get ice cream with them.
And by "them," you mean just Syd? Yes! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm at the top of my class, and I finished all my homework, and Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
But I have seven more reasons why you should let me do this.
Take yes for an answer.
Being a good student is obviously important, but it's not the only thing.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Yeah.
Of course! It's important to make a little time for romance.
Otherwise, what are we doing? Mm-hmm.
- [SIREN WAILING.]
- [INHALES DEEPLY AND SIGHS.]
What? Now you like the sounds of sirens? Just the thought of an ambulance rushing towards a body that needs attention.
You work too hard.