Outnumbered (2007) s02e03 Episode Script
The Old Fashioned Sunday
It's 6:25! How come they actually wake up earlier on the weekend? FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Uh-oh.
Daddy? HE SNORES I think they're asleep.
I think they're awake.
ARGH! OW! Jesus! You lunatic! Don't say "Jesus"! Well, don't use my ME as a trampoline.
No, Ben.
Go to your own bed.
You can't lie in bed all morning.
It's 6:25! Can't you just go down stairs and play a game or something? I'm hungry.
Well, go and get breakfast.
OK.
I'll make some omelettes.
No! No! Why? Well, because last time you made omelettes, you left the kitchen floor like a sort of eggy skating rink.
Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
No, that is true, but Just don't make omelettes, right? Daddy's going to cook you something when he gets up.
OK, I'll finish my experiment.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Daddy, why did your friend Jonty die? He had He had a heart attack, sweetheart.
Did he know it was going to happen? Well, no, I expect it was a bit of a surprise.
Did his heart explode? Not really Did blood come out of his mouth? Did he go, "Bleugh!" Did he go like? Who wants to watch telly? Me! BOTH: Yay! Oh, maybe we should be getting up.
Eh? Well, it seems daft just lying around here.
Does it? Seems very sensible to me.
Yeah, but we should try and live every minute of every day.
Right, well I'm going to live these few minutes with my eyes closed.
ON TV: 'There's nothing quite like mucking about in boats, 'whether it's in a rowing eight or an old tin bath, it's great fun.
' Why does Grandad get the big TV? Cos he's the guest.
When's he leaving? When they repair the fire damage to his kitchen.
How did he set fire to his kitchen? Well, he was heating some beans in the microwave, but he forgot to take them out of the tin.
And then he went outside to tidy his shed and he realised someone's house was on fire.
And when he ran back inside to call the fire brigade, he realised it was his.
There you go, eggy bread.
Thank you.
I wanted omelette.
I asked you a minute ago if you wanted eggy bread and you said yes.
Didn't he? Cheese.
Cheese what? Cheese omelette.
I'm not doing omelettes.
God, the manners in this house.
Ssh! I'm trying to listen.
Right.
That is it.
I am turning the TV off.
What? Why? It's going off.
No more telly for the rest of the day.
I was watching that! No, I'm sorry.
I don't care, that's enough.
Sorry.
No more telly for the rest of the day.
It's educational! It is not educational.
But I want to watch No, it's not going to happen.
No more TV! Sponge Bob's educational, but it But it tells you how to make crabby patties and tells you what's going on under sea.
There are lots of programmes for under the sea.
Watch My Chops teaches you HE GIGGLES About what? Watch My Chops.
What's Watch My Chops? I'm glad you find this so amusing, Ben, because I don't.
It teaches you about how to look after a talking dog.
No.
It's not Studies show TV stimulates the brain.
No, it doesn't, or you wouldn't all be watching it with this face.
Come on, there must be better things we can do with our lives.
What are we meant to do?! Let them watch the end of it.
Nice one, Mum! You got the paper? Thank you for your support(!) Well, at least stop texting during breakfast.
Why? Because you're always texting.
Did you not listen during our family discussion about saving money? This is a free text.
On my tariff, I get 10 free texts a month.
Yeah, but if you don't If you don't send this text, then you get another free text later then you pay for one text less.
But I have to send at least Oops.
Caught me in my nightie.
Oops.
Just saving the planet.
The kids insist, you know what they're like.
What are you up to today? Oh, you know.
Just vegging.
Oh, lucky you.
Martin and I have got to take the kids on this charity walk.
And then, on the cycle back, we have to pick up a friend so they can be a proper string quartet.
Then we've got to finish making our puppet theatre, and I've promised they can watch The Sound of Music tonight.
We let them watch TV on a Sundays as a special treat.
Oh, we ban all TV on a Sunday.
Really? Mm.
Yeah, so we can do things together, you know, as a family.
Oh, that's a brilliant Cheerio! Bye.
Hang on, look.
If you only sent, say, the 10 free ones, that would still be cheaper than sending 110.
Yes, but I've already sent 100, so it'd be really dumb not to use the 10 free ones.
It'd be like burning money.
No, no, you have already burnt the money.
getting some money as a reward for burning money.
What the hell are you on about? I'm trying to expl Right! No more television today.
Mum! Mum! Your father is right.
Is he? Mum, what do you think you're doing? Some families actually do stuff together on a Sunday.
Hey, no, no, no.
That includes all computers and games.
We're not going to be screen slaves today.
Yeah, we'll make our own entertainment.
Like what? We'll play a board game.
I don't want to play any board games.
Yeah, board games are for babies, I want to watch the TV.
All right.
If you don't want to do that, you can all do your homework.
Come on, everyone.
Go upstairs, get dressed.
We'll meet back here for game playing.
By the way, I don't have to do any homework.
that I looked a bit peaky and maybe I should take a few days off.
I think that has to be the worst lie I've ever heard you tell.
No, that was Karen's Easter Egg got eaten by aliens.
No, this is better just for sheer audacity.
I'm not lying this time.
Not that I lie a lot, but I'm not lying this time.
Ben, go and get dressed please.
"Next door's dog drew those words on my wall.
" The alien tops that one.
Or the goldfish broke the vase? That was a classic.
I got the ace, so I should start.
But you cheated, you Oi! We only cut the cards to see who was gonna go first.
Karen should go first.
She's a girl.
Come on, then.
You start, Karen.
And no cheating, Ben.
What are we going to do with Grandad when we go on holiday? Erm, he's staying here.
But he burnt his house down.
Well, yeah, but he's lived there for many years and he's only done it once.
Once last week, yeah.
Yesterday, he told me the same story three times.
The one with the shrapnel and the Mackeson's? Grandad's on some really strong pain killers at the moment, because of his burnt hand.
But when he's off those painkillers, he's going to be back to his sharp self, isn't he? When we go on holiday, can I take all my cuddlies and cats? Karen Grandad isn't going to burn the house down.
But I want to take I don't want my toys in a big gooey pile, all melted up.
Listen, Grandad, he's just next door.
He might be able to hear.
But he's deaf.
He's not that deaf.
Grandad! You're an idiot! Ben! Please! He is deaf! What if he heard you? MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Erm, Jo's outside.
Jo texted you to say that she was outside?! There's this wonderful new invention called a door bell.
Shut up, Dad.
Hi, Jo.
Hi, Sue.
It's your go.
FOOTSTEPS GO UPSTAIRS They're going straight up to his room.
They're 12.
IT'S YOUR GO! OK! Actually, it's Ben's Oh, for Ben! Come on.
You know the rule today.
I'm not watching the TV, Grandad is.
I just happen to be here.
Grandad seems to be watching Jackass.
Ben's just showing me something.
It's just a lot of idiots getting hurt, Frank.
Well, so was what Grandad was watching.
That was a documentary about the Somme, Ben.
It's the same.
A lot of pictures of people getting hurt.
The Somme was a battle.
A real battle.
Real people.
Not, it wasn't Well, this is real as well.
They are real crocodiles there.
You can't compare them, Ben.
The people who gave their lives at the Somme weren't doing it just to get on television.
How'd you know? Because they didn't have television.
Well, why's there a documentary on if the television wasn't Come on, leave your Grandad in peace.
Come on, get out! I'll turn it back for you, Frank.
No, no, no, leave it.
This This bloke's just put scorpions in his jockstrap.
Shouldn't really be doing this.
We've got a screen ban.
Oh, the "computer rots your brain" thing? My parents went through that.
Who's avatar number one? That's my mum.
Who's number two? That's her toy boy.
SHE GIGGLES Shall we give them triplets? Yeah.
Two white and one black.
KNOCK ON DOOR Computer Hello! I just though you might like some biscuits.
Not for me.
I'm watching my weight.
So What are you two up to this morning, then? Just chilling.
Chilling.
All right, then, well, happy chilling.
And I'll just I'll just be SHOUTING AND LAUGHING ON TV Jake and Jo were acting really weird when I went up earlier.
You sure YOU weren't weird? Look, they're only 12, I know.
Do you think it's time that you had the Father/Son talk with Jake? It's a bit early, isn't it? I mean Ooh! What? Ow, I keep getting this sort of chest pain.
It's probably just indigestion, isn't it? Yeah, everybody our age has it.
That's what they said to Jonty.
Actually, that's what I said to Jonty.
I just think that the Dad/Son talk is a really important part of growing up.
Yeah, well, I never had one.
Well, yes, and Go on? I just think You'll do it really well.
Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER AND COUGHING You all right, Dad? This fella has just stuffed a rocket up his backside and lit it.
Bloody idiot! On your marks, get set, go! You find it in Australia and it jumps.
Kangaroo.
Yes, em.
I don't know what that is.
I don't know what that is.
It flies and it has the word dragon in Dragonfly! That's cheating! No You can't say any words on it.
It's fine.
Um, it's a type of dog that looks a bit like a cloud.
It's puffy.
A poodle.
Yes, um His name is Bob and he's a builder.
Oh Bob the Builder! Yes! That's remarkable.
Time's up! And a Time's up, time's up! Andbegin.
Um, something smelly, covers a baby's bottom and their private bits.
Nappy.
Correct.
Their private bits? HE YELLS Tarzan.
Correct.
Um You're cheating, you can't do that.
It is a word game after all.
What Mummy cooks our dinner in.
Microwave.
Correct.
I do not! I home cook.
Take great care over your And the time's up! An elaborate Time's up! Stop it, Karen, it's just for fun.
Time's up.
Fun.
Time's up.
Fun.
Come on Stop, and let's just play nicely.
Come on, because we're having a really nice time.
Come on A person who does this a lot.
Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown.
Yes.
A bit more enthusiasm.
Just read them a bit faster, it's like you're Used to be black and played with children.
Michael Jackson! Yeah.
Used to be black and played with children? What like Hoopla and? Fat gold guy.
Goldfinger.
David Dickinson.
He's like a god.
Who is he? Buddha.
The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people - "Fat gold guy"?! He's a liar.
Tony Blair.
His nose gets big.
Tony Blair.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Velociraptor! Come on! Can you just play? It's paper, rock or scissors! Three things in the repertoire.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ready? Rock, paper, scissors.
Nuclear bomb! Right.
Karen wins.
No! Please, both of you, stop.
OK, shall we play something else? What's this game you want to play? Dinosaur, teddy, robot.
What? What do we do? What are the rules? Well Robot kills dinosaur, dinosaur kills teddy, teddy kills robot, because the dinosaur can eat the teddy, the teddy can de-activate the robot and the robot can laser the dinosaur.
How does the teddy deactivate? It's complicated It's good! Good, mind.
You hide them under the table and then we say, "Teddy, Robot, Dino!" then you lift up either a teddy a dinosaur or a robot.
Quite an exciting game, isn't it? OK.
Dinosaur, teddy, robot! EmZambia? Is the right answer.
Well done, Jake.
Can I be the question master? Go ahead.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? It doesn't even have any answer.
Yes, it does.
It's seven! No, it isn't! Why don't we? Yes, it is! No, it isn't! Why don't we take them up the park with their bikes? Oh, must we? Come on! Family Sunday.
Next door do it! They do it all the time.
That's their kids, isn't it? Who always say thank you, and play musical instruments we've never heard of, and don't eat insects.
We can't compete with that.
Well, who's competing? I'm not competing.
I know that.
You think I'm competing? No, of course not, because it would be pointless.
Pointless? It would be pointless for me to compete with Barbara? No, I'm not saying you couldn't compete, I'm saying that the act of competing would be pointless, because she is Let's take the kids up the park.
But not on bikes this time.
I'm not having Ben take out another old lady.
OK, kids.
We're going up the park.
Woodchucks can't even chuck wood! Then why are they called woodchucks? Woodchucks are the same as Groundhogs.
You know, like the film Groundhog Day.
You've seen that, haven't you? Seen it? I think I'm in it.
Come on.
Can you get the wellies? Come on, you lot.
All right, Dad? Do you fancy getting dressed and coming to the park with us? No.
OK.
I'll write my mobile number down here and put the phone right next to you, OK? And it's just here here, OK? Why, where are you going? We're going to the park, Dad.
When did you last take your painkillers? I'm not sure.
Well, I can work it out.
Where are they? Um Ah! Well, you haven't taken one today, Dad.
You haven't taken one for the last four days.
Oh, haven't I? Well, it's not a problem.
You can take one now.
No, I don't really like them.
They can make you feel a bit confused.
Right.
Can I take these? Ben, for the last time, you cannot take my hedge trimmer up the park.
RAINING OUTSIDE The British Sunday afternoon up the park.
Get soaking wet and get your shoes covered in dog shit.
Dad, we're back! Come on, Karen, don't lag behind.
Shoes off at the door! Ow! Hey! Off, please.
Karen, come on.
Leave the puddle alone.
Can we watch TV? No! So, Jake You're 12 now, and I thought that now might be as good a time as any to have, um, have a little a chat about certain physical changes that you'll NO! No, Dad, don't do this.
But you don't even know what I'm gonna say.
Yes, I do.
Well, what? Look, we've covered it all in school.
Oh, fair enough.
Anyway, I had a long chat with Grandad about it.
Grandad? What did he say? He just gave me loads of advice.
What kind of advice? He said, "Always look at the mothers.
" Why? Cos women often end up looking like their mothers.
He said he wished he'd taken a better look at Gran's mum.
Did he? Anyway, he, um He's probably thinking of the longer term.
In the shorter term you might find yourself developing umfeelingsrelated Dad, I'm 12, you know? What is it with your generation, you old people? You're obsessed with drugs and sex.
All I'm trying to do is to set you on the right path.
I won't be having sex till I'm 14, 15, hopefully.
Well, I'm not I'm not sure that's very good.
You know, there arethere are legal issues and there are STDs? you need to think about, like unwanted Pregnancy? Pregnancy, yeah.
Anyway, I know about it, Dad.
Just Don't go on about it.
OK.
Cool.
What? It's cool.
I won't go on about it.
You, you can't say cool, Dad, at your age.
I can't say cool? Yeah, you're too old.
What, me, a member of the generation that first used the word "cool" is no longer allowed to say "cool"? Yeah.
There's like a limit where you stop saying words like that.
When you get to your age, you can say words like "bingo", not "cool".
Bingo? I'm not a fighter pilot from the Second World War.
Dad So what words am I allowed to use? Zounds? Forsooth? Yeah.
Hang on, I think the riddle man is at the door.
I'm not old! By what measure am I old? By the measure of age.
Statistically, I'm not even halfway through my life.
How many 92-year-olds do you know? Look, we seem to have gone off at a bit of a tangent here.
I don't know what's going on inside your tiny brain, Dad.
Oh, and a man in Nigeria who's had some financial good fortune.
Another one from the government apologising for losing more of my personal details.
What you looking at? Oh, just having a bit of a sort.
Can I have a look? Aw, that's my mum.
On her 60th birthday, do you remember? It's not a great photo.
It's not great, no.
Come and look at this from Ben's headmaster.
"Ben has been looking a little peaky "and it might be a good idea if he took a couple of days off school.
" So he WAS telling the truth.
Why would the headmaster suggest that our son take? Hang on.
It's Ofsted next week, isn't it? Oh, bloody cheek! They're trying to keep Ben away from the Ofsted inspectors.
Oh, that is not right.
No.
Understandable, but morally Pete! It is wrong! How can you defend that?! When we were Ofstedded, the headmaster sent Poor Ben.
He's always the scapegoat.
Do you remember when the inspectors came to the nursery and he got blamed for that? When he peed on the inspector's shoes? She asked him what he'd learnt today, and he'd just learnt to wee on his own and he was really proud of it.
home tomorrow.
It'd be murder.
I'll just pretend I didn't get the e-mail.
THUD! What is he doing up there? You worry too much about that boy.
When I was his age, I was off on my own, cycling to Margate.
He's only seven.
Donkeys on the beach, girls in their summer frocks.
And there was this pickpocket on the pier and they caught him and beat him to a pulp.
Anyway he's not seven, he's 12, isn't he? No, that's Jake.
You see, as kids grow up, they just want to bugger off.
You love them just the same, but they don't really love you back.
The older they get, the more it turns into one-way traffic.
Just the way it is.
Blimey.
Where did that come from? Mum?! You know your bottles of perfume? Yes, I know my bottles of perfume.
Well, there might have been an accident involving them.
Oh, that's all right.
You'll be growing up soon.
Only want to do this with girls.
Girls? That's disgusting! Yeah, that's my boy.
Off you go.
Don't go near the mess.
I'll clear it up later.
TV IS SWITCHED ON What are you doing? It's an international.
Oh, no.
No TV.
It's Family Sunday.
For the kids, but it doesn't apply to the adults.
Yes, it does.
If you watch that, it undermines our whole ban.
England are playing! But you hate England.
You said they are overpaid, girlie tossers.
Capello's experimenting with 4-3-3.
What? Four girlie tossers with three girlie tossers in front? You're just being silly now.
I'll compromise.
If any of the kids come in, I'll turn it off.
Hello, darling.
Look, my tooth's really wobbly.
Oh.
That's gonna come out soon, isn't it? Yeah.
Anyway, I want to play.
Right.
I want to play for Grandad.
Oh, you see, Grandad's quite tired at the moment, darling, but I know who would like to hear you play.
And that's the birds in the garden, because they'll think that you're a bird just like them.
No, they wouldn't.
I want to play for either you or Grandad.
Grandad's in there.
But what we would really like is for you to play to us.
Absolutely.
This is called Song Of The Angels and I composed it myself.
SHE PLAYS A GRATING, HALTING TUNE.
What's that noise?! That was Karen playing her lovely recorder, Frank.
But it's awful.
Just a horrible old man! Karen, Grandad was only joking.
Have I upset her? I'm sorry.
No, Dad, it's fine.
I think we over-praise her a bit.
I didn't mean to.
It's fine.
Listen, Dad, you know what you mentioned, a few moments ago, about children buggering off? Well, if that was about me, then I just wanted to say that I didn't, I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned.
I was 17 and I just wanted to you know and I'm sorry if I'm just sorry.
I said what about children doing what? Well, it doesn't matter.
Do you want a cup of tea? Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
She's fine.
I told her that as you get older, nice music sounds nasty.
And vice versa, which is why he likes Celine Dion.
Actually, I didn't.
I didn't say that last bit, I just made it up right now.
Sue, do you think I'm getting more moles? I'll get out last year's mole map.
Because apparently, you should check them every couple of months.
Do you think you ought to leave that self-diagnosis website alone for a bit? Next thing, you'll be at the mirror comparing your bollocks again, and I think that scarred Jake for life.
We told him not to just come in like that.
By the way, did you manage have that chat with him? Yeah, yeah.
Go well? Yeah, good.
Good.
Can we watch TV yet? No! You know, the time they're little, it's such a short part of our lives, and you're right, we should make the most of every minute.
I'm going to get them down to play more games.
Kids! The whole landing smells of perfume by the way.
I bet Mrs Stepford's wonder children next door wouldn't think of mixing earwax and perfume to make a candle.
.
.
45 They lack the originality.
.
.
46 And the intellectual curiosity.
.
.
47! Not that anyone's competing, of course.
48 BOTH: 4950! Ready or not, here we come! Do you know, I don't think I've ever felt this knackered at the end of a Sunday, except maybe when the Pedalo got caught by that riptide off Guernsey.
You know I said I was going to live every minute of every day? Yeah.
I think I might live every other minute of every other day.
With the odd tea break.
You're not even looking for us! Yes, we are.
We're checking out the kitchen.
Ben! They're not even looking for us! What? That is so lazy! What are you doing in here? You're making it much too easy for us.
You should be hiding.
Not fair.
You made me play this stupid game.
Oh, come on.
When you play a game with somebody, you can't just go off! Lazy lumps.
We're not bunking off.
All right, all right, all right, OK! It's Family Sunday, you were promised a game of hide and seek, so that's what you shall have.
You go and hide and we will Sod it, go and watch the television.
ALL: Yes! Red Bee Media Ltd - 2008
Daddy? HE SNORES I think they're asleep.
I think they're awake.
ARGH! OW! Jesus! You lunatic! Don't say "Jesus"! Well, don't use my ME as a trampoline.
No, Ben.
Go to your own bed.
You can't lie in bed all morning.
It's 6:25! Can't you just go down stairs and play a game or something? I'm hungry.
Well, go and get breakfast.
OK.
I'll make some omelettes.
No! No! Why? Well, because last time you made omelettes, you left the kitchen floor like a sort of eggy skating rink.
Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
No, that is true, but Just don't make omelettes, right? Daddy's going to cook you something when he gets up.
OK, I'll finish my experiment.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Daddy, why did your friend Jonty die? He had He had a heart attack, sweetheart.
Did he know it was going to happen? Well, no, I expect it was a bit of a surprise.
Did his heart explode? Not really Did blood come out of his mouth? Did he go, "Bleugh!" Did he go like? Who wants to watch telly? Me! BOTH: Yay! Oh, maybe we should be getting up.
Eh? Well, it seems daft just lying around here.
Does it? Seems very sensible to me.
Yeah, but we should try and live every minute of every day.
Right, well I'm going to live these few minutes with my eyes closed.
ON TV: 'There's nothing quite like mucking about in boats, 'whether it's in a rowing eight or an old tin bath, it's great fun.
' Why does Grandad get the big TV? Cos he's the guest.
When's he leaving? When they repair the fire damage to his kitchen.
How did he set fire to his kitchen? Well, he was heating some beans in the microwave, but he forgot to take them out of the tin.
And then he went outside to tidy his shed and he realised someone's house was on fire.
And when he ran back inside to call the fire brigade, he realised it was his.
There you go, eggy bread.
Thank you.
I wanted omelette.
I asked you a minute ago if you wanted eggy bread and you said yes.
Didn't he? Cheese.
Cheese what? Cheese omelette.
I'm not doing omelettes.
God, the manners in this house.
Ssh! I'm trying to listen.
Right.
That is it.
I am turning the TV off.
What? Why? It's going off.
No more telly for the rest of the day.
I was watching that! No, I'm sorry.
I don't care, that's enough.
Sorry.
No more telly for the rest of the day.
It's educational! It is not educational.
But I want to watch No, it's not going to happen.
No more TV! Sponge Bob's educational, but it But it tells you how to make crabby patties and tells you what's going on under sea.
There are lots of programmes for under the sea.
Watch My Chops teaches you HE GIGGLES About what? Watch My Chops.
What's Watch My Chops? I'm glad you find this so amusing, Ben, because I don't.
It teaches you about how to look after a talking dog.
No.
It's not Studies show TV stimulates the brain.
No, it doesn't, or you wouldn't all be watching it with this face.
Come on, there must be better things we can do with our lives.
What are we meant to do?! Let them watch the end of it.
Nice one, Mum! You got the paper? Thank you for your support(!) Well, at least stop texting during breakfast.
Why? Because you're always texting.
Did you not listen during our family discussion about saving money? This is a free text.
On my tariff, I get 10 free texts a month.
Yeah, but if you don't If you don't send this text, then you get another free text later then you pay for one text less.
But I have to send at least Oops.
Caught me in my nightie.
Oops.
Just saving the planet.
The kids insist, you know what they're like.
What are you up to today? Oh, you know.
Just vegging.
Oh, lucky you.
Martin and I have got to take the kids on this charity walk.
And then, on the cycle back, we have to pick up a friend so they can be a proper string quartet.
Then we've got to finish making our puppet theatre, and I've promised they can watch The Sound of Music tonight.
We let them watch TV on a Sundays as a special treat.
Oh, we ban all TV on a Sunday.
Really? Mm.
Yeah, so we can do things together, you know, as a family.
Oh, that's a brilliant Cheerio! Bye.
Hang on, look.
If you only sent, say, the 10 free ones, that would still be cheaper than sending 110.
Yes, but I've already sent 100, so it'd be really dumb not to use the 10 free ones.
It'd be like burning money.
No, no, you have already burnt the money.
getting some money as a reward for burning money.
What the hell are you on about? I'm trying to expl Right! No more television today.
Mum! Mum! Your father is right.
Is he? Mum, what do you think you're doing? Some families actually do stuff together on a Sunday.
Hey, no, no, no.
That includes all computers and games.
We're not going to be screen slaves today.
Yeah, we'll make our own entertainment.
Like what? We'll play a board game.
I don't want to play any board games.
Yeah, board games are for babies, I want to watch the TV.
All right.
If you don't want to do that, you can all do your homework.
Come on, everyone.
Go upstairs, get dressed.
We'll meet back here for game playing.
By the way, I don't have to do any homework.
that I looked a bit peaky and maybe I should take a few days off.
I think that has to be the worst lie I've ever heard you tell.
No, that was Karen's Easter Egg got eaten by aliens.
No, this is better just for sheer audacity.
I'm not lying this time.
Not that I lie a lot, but I'm not lying this time.
Ben, go and get dressed please.
"Next door's dog drew those words on my wall.
" The alien tops that one.
Or the goldfish broke the vase? That was a classic.
I got the ace, so I should start.
But you cheated, you Oi! We only cut the cards to see who was gonna go first.
Karen should go first.
She's a girl.
Come on, then.
You start, Karen.
And no cheating, Ben.
What are we going to do with Grandad when we go on holiday? Erm, he's staying here.
But he burnt his house down.
Well, yeah, but he's lived there for many years and he's only done it once.
Once last week, yeah.
Yesterday, he told me the same story three times.
The one with the shrapnel and the Mackeson's? Grandad's on some really strong pain killers at the moment, because of his burnt hand.
But when he's off those painkillers, he's going to be back to his sharp self, isn't he? When we go on holiday, can I take all my cuddlies and cats? Karen Grandad isn't going to burn the house down.
But I want to take I don't want my toys in a big gooey pile, all melted up.
Listen, Grandad, he's just next door.
He might be able to hear.
But he's deaf.
He's not that deaf.
Grandad! You're an idiot! Ben! Please! He is deaf! What if he heard you? MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Erm, Jo's outside.
Jo texted you to say that she was outside?! There's this wonderful new invention called a door bell.
Shut up, Dad.
Hi, Jo.
Hi, Sue.
It's your go.
FOOTSTEPS GO UPSTAIRS They're going straight up to his room.
They're 12.
IT'S YOUR GO! OK! Actually, it's Ben's Oh, for Ben! Come on.
You know the rule today.
I'm not watching the TV, Grandad is.
I just happen to be here.
Grandad seems to be watching Jackass.
Ben's just showing me something.
It's just a lot of idiots getting hurt, Frank.
Well, so was what Grandad was watching.
That was a documentary about the Somme, Ben.
It's the same.
A lot of pictures of people getting hurt.
The Somme was a battle.
A real battle.
Real people.
Not, it wasn't Well, this is real as well.
They are real crocodiles there.
You can't compare them, Ben.
The people who gave their lives at the Somme weren't doing it just to get on television.
How'd you know? Because they didn't have television.
Well, why's there a documentary on if the television wasn't Come on, leave your Grandad in peace.
Come on, get out! I'll turn it back for you, Frank.
No, no, no, leave it.
This This bloke's just put scorpions in his jockstrap.
Shouldn't really be doing this.
We've got a screen ban.
Oh, the "computer rots your brain" thing? My parents went through that.
Who's avatar number one? That's my mum.
Who's number two? That's her toy boy.
SHE GIGGLES Shall we give them triplets? Yeah.
Two white and one black.
KNOCK ON DOOR Computer Hello! I just though you might like some biscuits.
Not for me.
I'm watching my weight.
So What are you two up to this morning, then? Just chilling.
Chilling.
All right, then, well, happy chilling.
And I'll just I'll just be SHOUTING AND LAUGHING ON TV Jake and Jo were acting really weird when I went up earlier.
You sure YOU weren't weird? Look, they're only 12, I know.
Do you think it's time that you had the Father/Son talk with Jake? It's a bit early, isn't it? I mean Ooh! What? Ow, I keep getting this sort of chest pain.
It's probably just indigestion, isn't it? Yeah, everybody our age has it.
That's what they said to Jonty.
Actually, that's what I said to Jonty.
I just think that the Dad/Son talk is a really important part of growing up.
Yeah, well, I never had one.
Well, yes, and Go on? I just think You'll do it really well.
Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER AND COUGHING You all right, Dad? This fella has just stuffed a rocket up his backside and lit it.
Bloody idiot! On your marks, get set, go! You find it in Australia and it jumps.
Kangaroo.
Yes, em.
I don't know what that is.
I don't know what that is.
It flies and it has the word dragon in Dragonfly! That's cheating! No You can't say any words on it.
It's fine.
Um, it's a type of dog that looks a bit like a cloud.
It's puffy.
A poodle.
Yes, um His name is Bob and he's a builder.
Oh Bob the Builder! Yes! That's remarkable.
Time's up! And a Time's up, time's up! Andbegin.
Um, something smelly, covers a baby's bottom and their private bits.
Nappy.
Correct.
Their private bits? HE YELLS Tarzan.
Correct.
Um You're cheating, you can't do that.
It is a word game after all.
What Mummy cooks our dinner in.
Microwave.
Correct.
I do not! I home cook.
Take great care over your And the time's up! An elaborate Time's up! Stop it, Karen, it's just for fun.
Time's up.
Fun.
Time's up.
Fun.
Come on Stop, and let's just play nicely.
Come on, because we're having a really nice time.
Come on A person who does this a lot.
Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown.
Yes.
A bit more enthusiasm.
Just read them a bit faster, it's like you're Used to be black and played with children.
Michael Jackson! Yeah.
Used to be black and played with children? What like Hoopla and? Fat gold guy.
Goldfinger.
David Dickinson.
He's like a god.
Who is he? Buddha.
The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people - "Fat gold guy"?! He's a liar.
Tony Blair.
His nose gets big.
Tony Blair.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Velociraptor! Come on! Can you just play? It's paper, rock or scissors! Three things in the repertoire.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ready? Rock, paper, scissors.
Nuclear bomb! Right.
Karen wins.
No! Please, both of you, stop.
OK, shall we play something else? What's this game you want to play? Dinosaur, teddy, robot.
What? What do we do? What are the rules? Well Robot kills dinosaur, dinosaur kills teddy, teddy kills robot, because the dinosaur can eat the teddy, the teddy can de-activate the robot and the robot can laser the dinosaur.
How does the teddy deactivate? It's complicated It's good! Good, mind.
You hide them under the table and then we say, "Teddy, Robot, Dino!" then you lift up either a teddy a dinosaur or a robot.
Quite an exciting game, isn't it? OK.
Dinosaur, teddy, robot! EmZambia? Is the right answer.
Well done, Jake.
Can I be the question master? Go ahead.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? It doesn't even have any answer.
Yes, it does.
It's seven! No, it isn't! Why don't we? Yes, it is! No, it isn't! Why don't we take them up the park with their bikes? Oh, must we? Come on! Family Sunday.
Next door do it! They do it all the time.
That's their kids, isn't it? Who always say thank you, and play musical instruments we've never heard of, and don't eat insects.
We can't compete with that.
Well, who's competing? I'm not competing.
I know that.
You think I'm competing? No, of course not, because it would be pointless.
Pointless? It would be pointless for me to compete with Barbara? No, I'm not saying you couldn't compete, I'm saying that the act of competing would be pointless, because she is Let's take the kids up the park.
But not on bikes this time.
I'm not having Ben take out another old lady.
OK, kids.
We're going up the park.
Woodchucks can't even chuck wood! Then why are they called woodchucks? Woodchucks are the same as Groundhogs.
You know, like the film Groundhog Day.
You've seen that, haven't you? Seen it? I think I'm in it.
Come on.
Can you get the wellies? Come on, you lot.
All right, Dad? Do you fancy getting dressed and coming to the park with us? No.
OK.
I'll write my mobile number down here and put the phone right next to you, OK? And it's just here here, OK? Why, where are you going? We're going to the park, Dad.
When did you last take your painkillers? I'm not sure.
Well, I can work it out.
Where are they? Um Ah! Well, you haven't taken one today, Dad.
You haven't taken one for the last four days.
Oh, haven't I? Well, it's not a problem.
You can take one now.
No, I don't really like them.
They can make you feel a bit confused.
Right.
Can I take these? Ben, for the last time, you cannot take my hedge trimmer up the park.
RAINING OUTSIDE The British Sunday afternoon up the park.
Get soaking wet and get your shoes covered in dog shit.
Dad, we're back! Come on, Karen, don't lag behind.
Shoes off at the door! Ow! Hey! Off, please.
Karen, come on.
Leave the puddle alone.
Can we watch TV? No! So, Jake You're 12 now, and I thought that now might be as good a time as any to have, um, have a little a chat about certain physical changes that you'll NO! No, Dad, don't do this.
But you don't even know what I'm gonna say.
Yes, I do.
Well, what? Look, we've covered it all in school.
Oh, fair enough.
Anyway, I had a long chat with Grandad about it.
Grandad? What did he say? He just gave me loads of advice.
What kind of advice? He said, "Always look at the mothers.
" Why? Cos women often end up looking like their mothers.
He said he wished he'd taken a better look at Gran's mum.
Did he? Anyway, he, um He's probably thinking of the longer term.
In the shorter term you might find yourself developing umfeelingsrelated Dad, I'm 12, you know? What is it with your generation, you old people? You're obsessed with drugs and sex.
All I'm trying to do is to set you on the right path.
I won't be having sex till I'm 14, 15, hopefully.
Well, I'm not I'm not sure that's very good.
You know, there arethere are legal issues and there are STDs? you need to think about, like unwanted Pregnancy? Pregnancy, yeah.
Anyway, I know about it, Dad.
Just Don't go on about it.
OK.
Cool.
What? It's cool.
I won't go on about it.
You, you can't say cool, Dad, at your age.
I can't say cool? Yeah, you're too old.
What, me, a member of the generation that first used the word "cool" is no longer allowed to say "cool"? Yeah.
There's like a limit where you stop saying words like that.
When you get to your age, you can say words like "bingo", not "cool".
Bingo? I'm not a fighter pilot from the Second World War.
Dad So what words am I allowed to use? Zounds? Forsooth? Yeah.
Hang on, I think the riddle man is at the door.
I'm not old! By what measure am I old? By the measure of age.
Statistically, I'm not even halfway through my life.
How many 92-year-olds do you know? Look, we seem to have gone off at a bit of a tangent here.
I don't know what's going on inside your tiny brain, Dad.
Oh, and a man in Nigeria who's had some financial good fortune.
Another one from the government apologising for losing more of my personal details.
What you looking at? Oh, just having a bit of a sort.
Can I have a look? Aw, that's my mum.
On her 60th birthday, do you remember? It's not a great photo.
It's not great, no.
Come and look at this from Ben's headmaster.
"Ben has been looking a little peaky "and it might be a good idea if he took a couple of days off school.
" So he WAS telling the truth.
Why would the headmaster suggest that our son take? Hang on.
It's Ofsted next week, isn't it? Oh, bloody cheek! They're trying to keep Ben away from the Ofsted inspectors.
Oh, that is not right.
No.
Understandable, but morally Pete! It is wrong! How can you defend that?! When we were Ofstedded, the headmaster sent Poor Ben.
He's always the scapegoat.
Do you remember when the inspectors came to the nursery and he got blamed for that? When he peed on the inspector's shoes? She asked him what he'd learnt today, and he'd just learnt to wee on his own and he was really proud of it.
home tomorrow.
It'd be murder.
I'll just pretend I didn't get the e-mail.
THUD! What is he doing up there? You worry too much about that boy.
When I was his age, I was off on my own, cycling to Margate.
He's only seven.
Donkeys on the beach, girls in their summer frocks.
And there was this pickpocket on the pier and they caught him and beat him to a pulp.
Anyway he's not seven, he's 12, isn't he? No, that's Jake.
You see, as kids grow up, they just want to bugger off.
You love them just the same, but they don't really love you back.
The older they get, the more it turns into one-way traffic.
Just the way it is.
Blimey.
Where did that come from? Mum?! You know your bottles of perfume? Yes, I know my bottles of perfume.
Well, there might have been an accident involving them.
Oh, that's all right.
You'll be growing up soon.
Only want to do this with girls.
Girls? That's disgusting! Yeah, that's my boy.
Off you go.
Don't go near the mess.
I'll clear it up later.
TV IS SWITCHED ON What are you doing? It's an international.
Oh, no.
No TV.
It's Family Sunday.
For the kids, but it doesn't apply to the adults.
Yes, it does.
If you watch that, it undermines our whole ban.
England are playing! But you hate England.
You said they are overpaid, girlie tossers.
Capello's experimenting with 4-3-3.
What? Four girlie tossers with three girlie tossers in front? You're just being silly now.
I'll compromise.
If any of the kids come in, I'll turn it off.
Hello, darling.
Look, my tooth's really wobbly.
Oh.
That's gonna come out soon, isn't it? Yeah.
Anyway, I want to play.
Right.
I want to play for Grandad.
Oh, you see, Grandad's quite tired at the moment, darling, but I know who would like to hear you play.
And that's the birds in the garden, because they'll think that you're a bird just like them.
No, they wouldn't.
I want to play for either you or Grandad.
Grandad's in there.
But what we would really like is for you to play to us.
Absolutely.
This is called Song Of The Angels and I composed it myself.
SHE PLAYS A GRATING, HALTING TUNE.
What's that noise?! That was Karen playing her lovely recorder, Frank.
But it's awful.
Just a horrible old man! Karen, Grandad was only joking.
Have I upset her? I'm sorry.
No, Dad, it's fine.
I think we over-praise her a bit.
I didn't mean to.
It's fine.
Listen, Dad, you know what you mentioned, a few moments ago, about children buggering off? Well, if that was about me, then I just wanted to say that I didn't, I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned.
I was 17 and I just wanted to you know and I'm sorry if I'm just sorry.
I said what about children doing what? Well, it doesn't matter.
Do you want a cup of tea? Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
She's fine.
I told her that as you get older, nice music sounds nasty.
And vice versa, which is why he likes Celine Dion.
Actually, I didn't.
I didn't say that last bit, I just made it up right now.
Sue, do you think I'm getting more moles? I'll get out last year's mole map.
Because apparently, you should check them every couple of months.
Do you think you ought to leave that self-diagnosis website alone for a bit? Next thing, you'll be at the mirror comparing your bollocks again, and I think that scarred Jake for life.
We told him not to just come in like that.
By the way, did you manage have that chat with him? Yeah, yeah.
Go well? Yeah, good.
Good.
Can we watch TV yet? No! You know, the time they're little, it's such a short part of our lives, and you're right, we should make the most of every minute.
I'm going to get them down to play more games.
Kids! The whole landing smells of perfume by the way.
I bet Mrs Stepford's wonder children next door wouldn't think of mixing earwax and perfume to make a candle.
.
.
45 They lack the originality.
.
.
46 And the intellectual curiosity.
.
.
47! Not that anyone's competing, of course.
48 BOTH: 4950! Ready or not, here we come! Do you know, I don't think I've ever felt this knackered at the end of a Sunday, except maybe when the Pedalo got caught by that riptide off Guernsey.
You know I said I was going to live every minute of every day? Yeah.
I think I might live every other minute of every other day.
With the odd tea break.
You're not even looking for us! Yes, we are.
We're checking out the kitchen.
Ben! They're not even looking for us! What? That is so lazy! What are you doing in here? You're making it much too easy for us.
You should be hiding.
Not fair.
You made me play this stupid game.
Oh, come on.
When you play a game with somebody, you can't just go off! Lazy lumps.
We're not bunking off.
All right, all right, all right, OK! It's Family Sunday, you were promised a game of hide and seek, so that's what you shall have.
You go and hide and we will Sod it, go and watch the television.
ALL: Yes! Red Bee Media Ltd - 2008