Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e03 Episode Script
The Unnatural
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
All right.
Please, put me down.
Am I to assume from this little display that my team won? Mr.
Twinkacetti, you should've been there.
Slugger hit four home runs and then Jennifer walked and then Mary Ann struck out.
Too bad, Mary Ann.
And then - Turnip, turnip.
If I wanna hear the play by play I'll ask the manager, not the water boy.
Well, he's not just the water boy he's also the scorekeeper and the head cheerleader.
Who cares? Did we beat the spread? We creamed the Hoot Owls 10 to 4.
Oh, by the way, those uniforms I paid for to advertise the store I noticed some of you got a little dirt on the logo.
Do it again and you're off the team.
Thank you for the encouragement, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Yeah.
Uh, before you go, I'd just like to say a few words.
As you know, if we can beat the Shop 'N Spend Spartans next Saturday's game the championship is ours.
And since I'm the manager, the champion's trophy will be mine.
But I will share it with each and every one of you in spirit.
Yeah.
See you at practice next Friday.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one They look up to me.
I'm surprised Slugger left right after the game.
He usually likes to get a pat on the butt from me after he's had a great game.
Well, I guess it can wait till next week.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Slugger's going to the Grand Canyon with his family.
Oh.
- He Yeah.
He won't be at the game next Saturday.
- Mm-hm.
Why didn't he tell me? Well, maybe he was afraid that you would do this to him.
And he's got chest hair.
Come to think of it, so do I.
One game from the championship, and it's over.
The Spartans are gonna bury us.
Goodbye, trophy.
Without Slugger, we stink.
Cousin, Slugger is just one person.
And you always said everybody on the team is equal.
Well, equal in the sense that, uh That I, uh, lied.
Well, then, you just have to find another good player.
Where? Players like Slugger don't grow on trees.
Maybe you find him right here.
Oh, sure.
What, is he gonna walk through the door any minute now? Let's take a look.
Oops.
No players today.
Oh.
I gotta change.
Oh, if Mr.
Baseball comes through the door, let me know.
Okay.
Hello, chief.
My name is Balki, but my friends call me Mr.
Baseball.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
So you don't think he'll be out of prison in time to play the game on Saturday? Yeah, well, okay, uh, thank you.
Cousin, I got you something for your nervous stomach.
Oh, thanks.
So have you had any luck replacing Slugger? No.
I'm a loser.
I've always been a loser.
If there was a contest for losers, I'd be a winner.
Cousin? - Mm.
I'll play.
Play what? Baseball.
You need a player.
I play.
Oh.
Thank you, Balki.
I appreciate the offer but there's no way you could replace Slugger.
Why no? Well, for one thing, you've never played before.
We need somebody who can help us win.
But, cousin, at the beginning of the season you said that we're just playing for fun and it don't matter if we win or lose.
I did? Oh, yeah.
Well, that was before I thought we had a chance.
Now we're one game away from my trophy.
Is getting a trophy so important? It's more important than life.
Didn't I ever tell you about my brother Billy? The one who locked you in the attic for three days? No, that was my brother Danny.
Billy.
The one that hold you down and cut off all your hair.
No, that was my sister Elaine.
No, little Larry and Billy Appleton shared the same room.
We had identical beds two identical desks, two identical bookshelves.
Only Billy's bookshelves were filled with trophies.
Bowling trophies, tennis trophies, track trophies.
Billy was a born winner.
You know what I had on my bookshelf? A wooden replica of a wheel of cheddar cheese with a plaque that said: "First Place, Wisconsin State Fair Cheese Throw.
" Wow.
I bet Billy was pretty jealous.
It was Billy's trophy.
He didn't want it on his side of the room.
Just once I'd like to have my own trophy.
And I want to help you win it.
- Oh.
Please, please.
Cousin, I know I can toss the old horse hide around the horn.
If you'll just tell me what a horn is.
All right, look, I tell you what.
You can practice with the team tomorrow and then we'll see if there's a place for you.
I want practice now.
You can't practice now, it's too late to go to the park.
I want practice.
- You can't practice in the house.
I want to play baseball.
You're not gonna let this go, are you? No, I'm not.
- Oh.
All right.
We'll practice now.
Oh, boy! I'm ready.
Not really.
You're not going to destroy the living room, so you'll use these socks for a ball.
Now, what position would you sort of like to try to play? Uh I want to play pitcher, because he's the one that gets to talk to the manager the most and that's you.
All right, all right.
Here, you take this, go over there.
Move the chair out of the way.
I'll move the TV so we don't break anything.
All right.
Now just try to get it past me.
Don't throw it hard, or you're gonna break something.
Just nice and easy.
A real fluid motion.
Don't try to throw a curve or a slider.
You just wanna put it right over the middle.
All right? Just toss it in.
Just up and over.
Wanna toss it up and over the plate.
Okay? Just up and over.
What are you waiting for? - For you to stop talking.
Okay, I've stopped.
Play ball.
Don't be ridiculous - Will you just throw the ball! Strike one.
Did I do good at practice today? I can safely say that I have never seen baseball played the way you played it today.
And I'll do just as good against the Spartans.
That's just what I'm afraid of.
You know what I liked? Sliding? - I liked sliding.
You slid head first into every base.
When you should've been playing right field.
It was fun.
Fun does not win trophies.
And you never even took batting practice.
So, what position do I play? Well Balki we have to talk about that.
You remember I told you baseball is a very complicated game? Well, I don't think that you - It's also very wonderful.
Well, yes, I guess it is.
I don't think that you should be You know, when we were at home on Mypos we used to hear about the great American game of baseball.
And And tomorrow I, Balki Bartokomous a lowly sheepherder will be the first Mypiot in history to put on a baseball uniform and play the greatest game ever invented.
So, what did you want to tell me? Balki, I really don't think that That That, uh, you should be up late tonight.
Why don't you hit the showers and get a good night's sleep because tomorrow is a big, big day.
Big day.
I'm going to write home.
When they hear about this on Mypos, they'll throw me a parade.
Of course, I won't be there but they'll send me the drawings.
Hello? Oh, hello, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
No, I haven't found a replacement for Slugger yet, but You have? Duke Lyle? Well, how did you get someone as good as Duke to? You're gonna pay him $50, hmm? I'm gonna pay him $50.
No, no, I think he's worth every penny.
Yeah, all right.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Duke Lyle.
Tomorrow, I get my trophy.
In your face, Billy Appleton.
To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe Okay, all right.
On the field.
Let's practice.
Warm up.
Let's go.
Appleton, this is Duke Lyle.
The man who's gonna win this one for me.
Duke, this is the manager.
Don't feel compelled to pay any attention to him.
It's a pleasure.
You can't imagine what it means to me to have you with us.
Who cares? Where's my 50 bucks? I love this guy.
Yeah, you might wanna go out and shag a few.
Uh If you're in the mood.
Yeah, sure.
Hope he's worth 50 bucks.
Balki, where have you been? Getting this.
Pretty sharp, huh? Now I look like a real American baseball player.
It cost a lot of digdas, but it's worth it.
Oh, I wish you hadn't done that.
The game is about to start.
Everybody, over here.
All right, now I don't have to tell you how much this game means.
But I will anyway.
It means a lot.
Now get out there and win it.
If not for yourselves then for me.
Now go! Get out there! Balki, back here.
Uh, you won't be starting the game.
I won't? - No.
Why no? - Well, uh baseball is a game of strategy as well as skill.
And I've given it a lot of thought, and I've come to the conclusión that you're just too important to the team to be wasted playing the whole game.
Do you mean, I'm like a secret weapon? - Right.
Right.
Yes.
Right.
Exactly.
You are my secret weapon.
And when the time is right, I'll unload my secret weapon and they won't know what hit them.
Cousin, you are a genius.
- Hmm.
When will be the right time for you to unload me? Uh, mm Uh, hmm I'll let you know.
All right.
I'll be waiting.
Play ball! Strike two.
Okay.
All right, all right, don't try to kill the ball.
There's only one out.
Scheinwald is on first.
All you wanna do is move him into scoring position.
That's all you have Strike three! You're out! Why is she looking at me? Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that it's the bottom of the ninth.
When are you going to unload your secret weapon? Darn, I don't believe it.
- It's all right, it's all right.
No, it isn't.
I broke a nail.
We still have a chance.
Duke is up.
- Time out, please.
You don't call time out.
I call time out.
Time! Time is out.
What is it? You're not going to put me up, are you? Balki, we are down to our last out.
But you promised.
- I know I promised.
But I wrote home.
Oh, shoot.
Balki, look if we don't score now we lose the championship.
You understand that, don't you? - Yes, I understand.
You do? - Yes.
I understand that a trophy is more important than friend.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oohh Now, that is unfair.
That is really unfair.
I am not a selfish person.
I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing this for I'm doing this for me.
Hey, hey.
What's going on here? Why isn't Duke at bat? Balki wanted to play.
If you let the turnip play, we lose the championship and I got a lot of money riding on this game.
You shouldn't have bet on the game to begin with.
If we lose the game, we lose the championship.
Which means you lose the trophy.
You'll be a loser all your life.
Appleton, send in a batter or you'll forfeit the game.
Appleton? Cousin? Balki you're up.
I'll take that.
Loser.
Loser.
Loser.
All right, Balki, you have got to get on base.
Here, stand here.
Feet wide apart.
Elbow in, chin down.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Use the big end of the bat.
Gosh, it's almost like cheating.
One of you two has got to leave.
Guess that would be me.
Balki, you can do it, just relax, just try to meet the ball.
Strike one! I wasn't ready.
- Well, get ready.
Strike two.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? I didn't like that one.
Well, you only get three.
Three? Oh, right, it's four balls.
I get that mixed up.
Three strikes and you're out.
So should I hit this one? - Yes! Dear God, yes! Whoa! Will you look at that? I hit it.
I hit it.
Run! Run! No, the other way! The other way down here! Take a left, take a left.
Yes, go! All the way! All the way! Come on, Balki! That's it.
Why is he sliding into every base? - Because he likes to.
You got a problem with that? Look at this.
It's a cheap piece of plastic on an imitation wood base.
It's beautiful.
But I almost let it ruin our friendship.
I'm sorry, Balki.
You don't have to apologize.
You realize that a trophy is not as important as our friendship.
I did the right thing, didn't I? - You bet you did.
You know, the best part is I did the right thing and we won anyway.
Boy, you hit that ball a mile.
Oh, well, I knew I could hit a ball.
At home I was always very good at: What is? Very good.
It means, "The game where you hit rocks with a stick.
" How do you play? You hit rocks with a stick.
I always felt there was something missing from the game.
"West Side League Champions.
" Thanks for helping me win this, buddy.
And thank you for helping me win this.
- Mm? Most Valuable Player.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
All right.
Please, put me down.
Am I to assume from this little display that my team won? Mr.
Twinkacetti, you should've been there.
Slugger hit four home runs and then Jennifer walked and then Mary Ann struck out.
Too bad, Mary Ann.
And then - Turnip, turnip.
If I wanna hear the play by play I'll ask the manager, not the water boy.
Well, he's not just the water boy he's also the scorekeeper and the head cheerleader.
Who cares? Did we beat the spread? We creamed the Hoot Owls 10 to 4.
Oh, by the way, those uniforms I paid for to advertise the store I noticed some of you got a little dirt on the logo.
Do it again and you're off the team.
Thank you for the encouragement, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Yeah.
Uh, before you go, I'd just like to say a few words.
As you know, if we can beat the Shop 'N Spend Spartans next Saturday's game the championship is ours.
And since I'm the manager, the champion's trophy will be mine.
But I will share it with each and every one of you in spirit.
Yeah.
See you at practice next Friday.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one.
Were number one They look up to me.
I'm surprised Slugger left right after the game.
He usually likes to get a pat on the butt from me after he's had a great game.
Well, I guess it can wait till next week.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Slugger's going to the Grand Canyon with his family.
Oh.
- He Yeah.
He won't be at the game next Saturday.
- Mm-hm.
Why didn't he tell me? Well, maybe he was afraid that you would do this to him.
And he's got chest hair.
Come to think of it, so do I.
One game from the championship, and it's over.
The Spartans are gonna bury us.
Goodbye, trophy.
Without Slugger, we stink.
Cousin, Slugger is just one person.
And you always said everybody on the team is equal.
Well, equal in the sense that, uh That I, uh, lied.
Well, then, you just have to find another good player.
Where? Players like Slugger don't grow on trees.
Maybe you find him right here.
Oh, sure.
What, is he gonna walk through the door any minute now? Let's take a look.
Oops.
No players today.
Oh.
I gotta change.
Oh, if Mr.
Baseball comes through the door, let me know.
Okay.
Hello, chief.
My name is Balki, but my friends call me Mr.
Baseball.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
So you don't think he'll be out of prison in time to play the game on Saturday? Yeah, well, okay, uh, thank you.
Cousin, I got you something for your nervous stomach.
Oh, thanks.
So have you had any luck replacing Slugger? No.
I'm a loser.
I've always been a loser.
If there was a contest for losers, I'd be a winner.
Cousin? - Mm.
I'll play.
Play what? Baseball.
You need a player.
I play.
Oh.
Thank you, Balki.
I appreciate the offer but there's no way you could replace Slugger.
Why no? Well, for one thing, you've never played before.
We need somebody who can help us win.
But, cousin, at the beginning of the season you said that we're just playing for fun and it don't matter if we win or lose.
I did? Oh, yeah.
Well, that was before I thought we had a chance.
Now we're one game away from my trophy.
Is getting a trophy so important? It's more important than life.
Didn't I ever tell you about my brother Billy? The one who locked you in the attic for three days? No, that was my brother Danny.
Billy.
The one that hold you down and cut off all your hair.
No, that was my sister Elaine.
No, little Larry and Billy Appleton shared the same room.
We had identical beds two identical desks, two identical bookshelves.
Only Billy's bookshelves were filled with trophies.
Bowling trophies, tennis trophies, track trophies.
Billy was a born winner.
You know what I had on my bookshelf? A wooden replica of a wheel of cheddar cheese with a plaque that said: "First Place, Wisconsin State Fair Cheese Throw.
" Wow.
I bet Billy was pretty jealous.
It was Billy's trophy.
He didn't want it on his side of the room.
Just once I'd like to have my own trophy.
And I want to help you win it.
- Oh.
Please, please.
Cousin, I know I can toss the old horse hide around the horn.
If you'll just tell me what a horn is.
All right, look, I tell you what.
You can practice with the team tomorrow and then we'll see if there's a place for you.
I want practice now.
You can't practice now, it's too late to go to the park.
I want practice.
- You can't practice in the house.
I want to play baseball.
You're not gonna let this go, are you? No, I'm not.
- Oh.
All right.
We'll practice now.
Oh, boy! I'm ready.
Not really.
You're not going to destroy the living room, so you'll use these socks for a ball.
Now, what position would you sort of like to try to play? Uh I want to play pitcher, because he's the one that gets to talk to the manager the most and that's you.
All right, all right.
Here, you take this, go over there.
Move the chair out of the way.
I'll move the TV so we don't break anything.
All right.
Now just try to get it past me.
Don't throw it hard, or you're gonna break something.
Just nice and easy.
A real fluid motion.
Don't try to throw a curve or a slider.
You just wanna put it right over the middle.
All right? Just toss it in.
Just up and over.
Wanna toss it up and over the plate.
Okay? Just up and over.
What are you waiting for? - For you to stop talking.
Okay, I've stopped.
Play ball.
Don't be ridiculous - Will you just throw the ball! Strike one.
Did I do good at practice today? I can safely say that I have never seen baseball played the way you played it today.
And I'll do just as good against the Spartans.
That's just what I'm afraid of.
You know what I liked? Sliding? - I liked sliding.
You slid head first into every base.
When you should've been playing right field.
It was fun.
Fun does not win trophies.
And you never even took batting practice.
So, what position do I play? Well Balki we have to talk about that.
You remember I told you baseball is a very complicated game? Well, I don't think that you - It's also very wonderful.
Well, yes, I guess it is.
I don't think that you should be You know, when we were at home on Mypos we used to hear about the great American game of baseball.
And And tomorrow I, Balki Bartokomous a lowly sheepherder will be the first Mypiot in history to put on a baseball uniform and play the greatest game ever invented.
So, what did you want to tell me? Balki, I really don't think that That That, uh, you should be up late tonight.
Why don't you hit the showers and get a good night's sleep because tomorrow is a big, big day.
Big day.
I'm going to write home.
When they hear about this on Mypos, they'll throw me a parade.
Of course, I won't be there but they'll send me the drawings.
Hello? Oh, hello, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
No, I haven't found a replacement for Slugger yet, but You have? Duke Lyle? Well, how did you get someone as good as Duke to? You're gonna pay him $50, hmm? I'm gonna pay him $50.
No, no, I think he's worth every penny.
Yeah, all right.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Duke Lyle.
Tomorrow, I get my trophy.
In your face, Billy Appleton.
To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe Okay, all right.
On the field.
Let's practice.
Warm up.
Let's go.
Appleton, this is Duke Lyle.
The man who's gonna win this one for me.
Duke, this is the manager.
Don't feel compelled to pay any attention to him.
It's a pleasure.
You can't imagine what it means to me to have you with us.
Who cares? Where's my 50 bucks? I love this guy.
Yeah, you might wanna go out and shag a few.
Uh If you're in the mood.
Yeah, sure.
Hope he's worth 50 bucks.
Balki, where have you been? Getting this.
Pretty sharp, huh? Now I look like a real American baseball player.
It cost a lot of digdas, but it's worth it.
Oh, I wish you hadn't done that.
The game is about to start.
Everybody, over here.
All right, now I don't have to tell you how much this game means.
But I will anyway.
It means a lot.
Now get out there and win it.
If not for yourselves then for me.
Now go! Get out there! Balki, back here.
Uh, you won't be starting the game.
I won't? - No.
Why no? - Well, uh baseball is a game of strategy as well as skill.
And I've given it a lot of thought, and I've come to the conclusión that you're just too important to the team to be wasted playing the whole game.
Do you mean, I'm like a secret weapon? - Right.
Right.
Yes.
Right.
Exactly.
You are my secret weapon.
And when the time is right, I'll unload my secret weapon and they won't know what hit them.
Cousin, you are a genius.
- Hmm.
When will be the right time for you to unload me? Uh, mm Uh, hmm I'll let you know.
All right.
I'll be waiting.
Play ball! Strike two.
Okay.
All right, all right, don't try to kill the ball.
There's only one out.
Scheinwald is on first.
All you wanna do is move him into scoring position.
That's all you have Strike three! You're out! Why is she looking at me? Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that it's the bottom of the ninth.
When are you going to unload your secret weapon? Darn, I don't believe it.
- It's all right, it's all right.
No, it isn't.
I broke a nail.
We still have a chance.
Duke is up.
- Time out, please.
You don't call time out.
I call time out.
Time! Time is out.
What is it? You're not going to put me up, are you? Balki, we are down to our last out.
But you promised.
- I know I promised.
But I wrote home.
Oh, shoot.
Balki, look if we don't score now we lose the championship.
You understand that, don't you? - Yes, I understand.
You do? - Yes.
I understand that a trophy is more important than friend.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oohh Now, that is unfair.
That is really unfair.
I am not a selfish person.
I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing this for I'm doing this for me.
Hey, hey.
What's going on here? Why isn't Duke at bat? Balki wanted to play.
If you let the turnip play, we lose the championship and I got a lot of money riding on this game.
You shouldn't have bet on the game to begin with.
If we lose the game, we lose the championship.
Which means you lose the trophy.
You'll be a loser all your life.
Appleton, send in a batter or you'll forfeit the game.
Appleton? Cousin? Balki you're up.
I'll take that.
Loser.
Loser.
Loser.
All right, Balki, you have got to get on base.
Here, stand here.
Feet wide apart.
Elbow in, chin down.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Use the big end of the bat.
Gosh, it's almost like cheating.
One of you two has got to leave.
Guess that would be me.
Balki, you can do it, just relax, just try to meet the ball.
Strike one! I wasn't ready.
- Well, get ready.
Strike two.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? I didn't like that one.
Well, you only get three.
Three? Oh, right, it's four balls.
I get that mixed up.
Three strikes and you're out.
So should I hit this one? - Yes! Dear God, yes! Whoa! Will you look at that? I hit it.
I hit it.
Run! Run! No, the other way! The other way down here! Take a left, take a left.
Yes, go! All the way! All the way! Come on, Balki! That's it.
Why is he sliding into every base? - Because he likes to.
You got a problem with that? Look at this.
It's a cheap piece of plastic on an imitation wood base.
It's beautiful.
But I almost let it ruin our friendship.
I'm sorry, Balki.
You don't have to apologize.
You realize that a trophy is not as important as our friendship.
I did the right thing, didn't I? - You bet you did.
You know, the best part is I did the right thing and we won anyway.
Boy, you hit that ball a mile.
Oh, well, I knew I could hit a ball.
At home I was always very good at: What is? Very good.
It means, "The game where you hit rocks with a stick.
" How do you play? You hit rocks with a stick.
I always felt there was something missing from the game.
"West Side League Champions.
" Thanks for helping me win this, buddy.
And thank you for helping me win this.
- Mm? Most Valuable Player.