Pete Versus Life (2010) s02e03 Episode Script
The Tennis Player
Welcome, and a bit unusual to see Pete out for a drink with his dad.
Ah, yes.
Things have been bad for Pete in the sports writing world.
His dad's arranged for him to meet an old BT contact with a view to getting a job, Col.
Oh, dear! Look at that suit! It's almost as if subconsciously he doesn't want the job.
Aye, looks like he's been Tarmacing a drive.
Why'd you call it a resume? What's wrong with using the English word, a CV? Curriculum Vitae? Yeah.
Anyway, what's this six months voluntary work in Africa about? I live with an African bloke, so Ooh, she's here.
Frank! You haven't changed a bit! You must have a painting in the attic.
No, just a cold water tank.
Oh, this is Peter, my son.
Hello.
He is very handsome.
Thank you.
But, then, he would be, wouldn't he? Mmm-hmm.
Yes, Rebecca not afraid to use her sexuality to get what she wants in the boardroom.
If Alan Sugar can do it, why not the ladies? And the meeting well under way, let's see what they're up to.
Your father and I used to have such fun in here! Yeah, and the rest of the team! Crazy times, the '80s.
We'd get in here Friday, early doors, the next thing you'd know it's two in the morning and we're all off our tits on Blue Nun and Cointreau! But that's BT engineers.
We worked hard but we played hard, too.
Especially this one.
Yeah.
Well, whatever happened to Blue Nun? Oh, you can still get it, Frank.
Anytime you like.
Anyway, what about Pete? We have quite a high turnover of staff.
Some people just can't cope with the pressure.
Is it fixing phones or? Oh, no.
Rebecca's no longer with BT.
She runs a chicken-packing factory in Lowton.
I've got a 2:2 in Social Science.
A 2:2? And in Social Science? Yeah.
Yeah, but he's very strong.
He can lift anything.
Well, as it's Frank's son, then I'll make an exception.
And we have a great social life.
We work hard, but we play hard, too.
Once we've showered.
There's a lot of splatter.
So what do you say, Pete? All right! Ugh I'll do it.
But just as long as you know, first and foremost, I am a sports writer, OK? Of course, we'll start you on giblet scooping.
I didn't necessarily want to go into accountancy, but my parents and Anna thought it would fit my skill set.
And so did I.
And, really, how many people like their jobs? I think you've landed on your feet.
I've holidays coming up, any chance you can get me in? Will you be driving in? I suppose so.
I'll see what I can do.
Hi, guys! Hi, Bunny.
How was work? Really good.
Really, really good.
Great.
Everyone, this is Lottie.
Bloody hell.
We were at school together.
We were both prefects.
Although, I think I was the senior prefect! I bumped into Lottie shopping.
Dad bought me this ring to celebrate the third anniversary of me turning pro.
Wow! Lottie's a tennis player.
That's nice.
The seventh best in the UK.
I was number six.
Yes, Lottie Beaumont ranked seventh in Britain, which makes her 8,945th in the world.
I'll get the coffees.
And the doughnuts.
Sure.
You should talk to Pete, he's a sports writer.
Not at the moment.
Things are a bit slow.
I'm working in a chicken-packing factory.
Oh, no! You must follow your dream, like me in tennis.
It's not that easy if you haven't got a rich dad.
That had nothing to do with it.
In fact, it made it harder people saying it was easy cos my dad was chairman of the British Lawn Tennis Association.
Yeah, sorry.
I can see how that would make life difficult.
I lost count of the amount of coaches that told me to my face that I have no talent and the wrong attitude, just because my dad's rich.
But I fought and I made it.
So you playing Eastbourne? Had a wild card but I pulled out.
Injured? I'm going skiing.
But really, you must stick to your dream, like I have.
Well, you've certainly inspired me.
She certainly has.
Lottie Beaumont sums up everything that is wrong with British tennis.
Strong stuff, but this could get him back in the sports writing game.
Look at that! Talentless, deluded, doughnut-eating He's not pulling his punches.
What's the worst review you've had, Terry? Probably after a game at Arsenal.
Sue Barker once called me clumsy with a very low work-rate.
She wasn't doing the football then, was she? No, it was after I'd slept with her.
Ah! And off it goes to Jed Simmonds at the News of the Globe.
The only national newspaper sports editor ever to buy an article off Pete.
The beaks and claws are channelled this way.
The guts, intestines and other offal channelled that way.
Why separate? They go to the same pie factory.
I hope that was a joke.
Yeah.
It was, yeah.
How many chickens can it do in an hour? Swot.
That is a good question, Manfred.
Thank you.
At full capacity, this machine can handle over 1000.
Peter, any questions? Eh yes.
What time is the tea break? This can't be right.
Pete, can you check this for me? Watching the TV! I've found an inefficiency in the way they de-beak the chickens.
What you doing? It's bad enough we have to work there.
But it was great.
The way we had dominion over thousands of chickens.
It was like we were their God.
Did you not feel that sense of power? The only thing I felt was bored and a bit disgusted.
I've never got such a rush before.
You been to Legoland? No.
That's why, then.
Those cakes free? No.
Oh.
Hello.
Hi.
Been looking for you.
Why, what have you heard? Nothing.
I have a technique to help your sports writing.
All right.
Visualisation.
Picture yourself selling an article, and then it just sort of happens! That sounds straight forward.
I used it when Sharapova beat me.
Didn't work, then.
I used it when Sharapova beat me.
Didn't work, then.
Got a game.
Yep, taking a game off a top ten player, bit of a result for Lottie.
Yeah, best result was when she took two games off Kim Clijsters, although Kim had broken her wrist and was playing left-handed.
Ooh, that looks nice.
Make that two.
Should a tennis player be eating a full English breakfast? I need certain complex carbohydrates and it doesn't matter if it's from three avocados or a full English.
All right.
And a fried slice.
Oh, that's the spirit! When you're on the tour, you never get a chance to build meaningful relationships.
It's just onto the next tournament, the next city.
I thought you weren't on the tour.
I'm in Nottingham a lot.
It's just I never get a chance to meet many men.
Are you seeing anyone at the moment? No.
Not at all.
Do you fancy going out some time? Love to.
Fancy a drink tonight? I'm in training.
Ah, fair enough.
I can only drink vodka.
'Looks like trouble.
' Are you going to eat that? 'Ooh, Jed's running that article.
' 'Oh, dear, 'that is tricky.
' So I'll see you later! What? OK, magic.
See you 'He's got a date in the diary but he's ripped her to shreds.
'One of those must give.
' 'I dunno.
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
' 'Well, Pete and Manfred enjoying a well-earned cup of tea after 'a hard morning spatchcocking chemically-enhanced chickens.
' You want something from the complimentary chicken buffet? Are you insane? Don't you remember what we did to them? Why do you think no-one else is touching it? Well, maybe I'll have some later, hey? Hello, gents.
We're on a break! I know.
Manfred, I wanted to tell you, I looked at your efficiency ideas about the de-beaking, I like them.
I like them a lot.
Thanks, Rebecca! This kind of positive reinforcement is very important to me.
No, it's more than that.
As you know, I'm looking for a new supervisor, and you two are now my longest-serving staff members.
Only started Monday.
It's between you two.
Is there more money? No.
Right.
Manfred.
I'm sorry to say that you have the extra responsibility of being the new supervisor.
Oh, great! Here's your paper cap.
Do I wear it over the hairnet? Instead of.
Good luck, Manfred.
Make me proud.
I will.
I will go through your chickens like a combine harvester.
Oh, looks like you owe me a fiver.
They're not all lesbians.
This, their first date, they've been snogging for ten minutes and some pattern's beginning to emerge.
Yeah.
If we look on the hot spot camera we can see there's been a lot of leg touching, hand up the back of the shirts and, a foray into the chest area.
This, the closest Pete has ever got to having sexual relations with a professional sportswoman.
The previous closest was a fumble in a Fiat Punto with a county standard darts player.
But he's going to have to tell her about that piece he's written that slags off every aspect of her character.
Oh, he's going to do it now.
What is it? I've had an article accepted to one of the tabloids.
Well that's brilliant.
I told you it would happen if you visualised.
Yeah.
The thing is, it's on a bit of a delicate subject matter.
That's doubly clever, then.
'Goodness me, she's not making it easy!' What's it about? Football, football.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
It's like his backbone is made of Curly Wurly.
Although, his old fella is like a Mars Bar that's just come out the freezer! 'But the longer he leaves doing something about that article, 'the worst it'll get.
' Hello, is that Jed? Pete Griffiths.
It's been too fucking long.
You know that article I wrote Beautiful, and the way you tied it all into Lottie Beaumont, gave her a right seeing to.
She'll have to move out the fucking country when this breaks! About that, yeah 'One of my staff writers' is going off on maternity leave.
I wanted to sack her but apparently that's not legal.
Fancy covering it? Mmm? I'd have used one of my regular freelancers, but they're in prison.
Anyway, Up for it? Yeah.
'He changed sides quicker than a Libyan civil servant!' 'Aye.
' And on that farm he had some You got a chicken in there? Shhh.
What's going on? I've had an epiphany.
What we are doing here is wrong.
We are killing chickens in almost a factory-like way.
What do you mean, almost? I'm fixing it.
I can't get them all out, but I can help some escape.
Where'll you put 'em? It's North London.
You going to retrain them as graphic designers? I just thought I would leave them on the golf course, eh? Hello, gents.
Pete, I believe you wanted to talk to me about something? Yeah.
Yeah, I would.
I would like to tender my resignation.
Might I ask why? Yes, you can.
It's a disgusting working environment.
The work itself is sickening.
The money's shit.
And I've just been offered a job at a national newspaper.
Must've been a tough decision.
Uh! 'Pete burning his bridges, like I did when I left the BBC.
' I would've liked to have repaid their loyalty but I wasn't moving to Manchester for any money! We're back after these.
Welcome back.
When Lottie suggested clubbing it to celebrate Pete's new job, he didn't think he'd end up in London's premier gay club Box Junction.
I like to come to a gay club at least once a week.
Normal clubs can be so hassling.
So how many times a week do you go clubbing, then? Never more than five.
Jed? Pete.
I'm not gay! Hey? Nothing.
Fuck me, you're Lottie Beaumont, who's my girlfriend.
This is Jed, he's my new boss.
Nice to meet you.
Here you go, Lottie.
Thanks, is it a double? Listen, mate, I haven't told her about the article yet.
Just Oh, no.
Nice one.
I like it.
I thought you'd just hacked her phone, but not afraid to shit on your own doorstep.
It's tasty.
Yeah! But you're not going to mention anything, are you, cos it's? No, no, and you'll keep schtum about the whole Oh, yeah.
Not that there's anything to keep schtum about.
Oh, of course, yeah.
So who fancies another one? Yeah.
Or how about a bit of the old? No, thank you.
Of course, pro athlete and all that.
No, I'm on ecstasy.
Fair do's.
Right, I'm off to the bogs.
Fancy coming, Pete? For some Charlie, not gay sex? Oh I think I'm all right, actually, thank you.
Thanks, though.
Are you on ecstasy?! Aren't you supposed to be playing Venus Williams in the morning.
I can easily beat her.
Are you sure? She is quite good.
She has won Wimbledon.
Not for a few years.
Pete, if I believe I'll win, I will win.
Even after you've done a pill? Yes, it sharpens the brain synapses.
Where'd you get that from? I read it somewhere.
Or overheard it on a train.
Oh, right.
Anyway, do you want one? Oh, I dunno.
Go on, it's just a bit of fun.
Yeah, all right, then.
Woo-hoo! Well, just while we're waiting for them to come up, as I believe the phrase is, I'd like to bring in Bez, formerly of the Happy Mondays and winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
Welcome, Bez.
How do? So, Bez, you've done your fair share of class A drugs.
Can you explain the effects of ecstasy using this graphic of your own head? Yeah, no probs.
Basically, it works by releasing serotonium, which makes you all happy and dancey.
Right, but there is a down-side, isn't there? Yeah, you can get nicked.
No, no, I mean, there's a mental effect.
Yeah, you go real mental.
It's brilliant.
Fascinating stuff.
And remember, kids, if you're watching, really don't take drugs.
So how are you doing now? Ooh, yeah, yeah.
Definitely felt something then, felt something coming on.
I'll get you some water.
Where you going, where you going? 'Yes, Pete not happy about being left alone.
'Feelings of fear and paranoia beginning to build 'as the drugs take hold.
' Hello, Pete.
Oh, who's there? Rob and I have been talking, and we think, now that you're working, it's high time you got a pension.
Eh, what, what? There are products out Well, Pete's mellow being well and truly harshed.
That's right, Colin.
If we take a look at this pie chart illustrating what Pete normally likes to do on drugs.
Usual suspects all there.
Lying in a meadow, talking to pets.
But discussing his pension noticeable by its absence.
What would the Flaming Lips have come up with if they'd had Anna to talk to when they were writing Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots? Doesn't bear thinking about, Colin.
No, indeed.
And it's an incredibly tax-efficient way to save, isn't it, Rob? Yeah, yeah.
See.
Anna, if you don't mind, I'm actually on drugs.
Of course.
You haven't got any more, have you, mate? Rob! Coming! 'Five minutes later and look at Pete now.
'Don't know about his dancing, though.
'He looks like an insane bear that's been, I dunno, 'taunted once too often by a cruel gypsy.
'Spot on, Colin.
Spot on.
' Morning.
I was trying not to wake you.
Why are you dressed like that? I'm going riding this morning.
Aren't you supposed to be playing Venus Williams this morning? Oh God, yes.
Must be all that E.
Are you going to be all right to play? I mean you had, like, eight Vodka Red Bulls as well.
That's nothing.
I'm going to win.
There is no plan B.
Better dash.
Righto.
'Well, Pete right to look pensive, 'the date that article comes out is getting closer by the day.
' Forgot my rackets.
What do you mean, you want to pull the article? It's fucking gold.
She's my girlfriend.
I know.
It's the job.
We all have to betray someone.
A mate, a girlfriend, or in my case, my little daughter.
Well I haven't actually signed my contract yet, so, technically, you can't publish it.
You what? You sign that right fucking now.
I really don't want to.
You fucking what? You come in here with your tight little bum telling me how to do my job.
I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family.
'Now, who wouldn't need to relieve themselves after a tirade like that?' Pete.
'Uh-oh.
' All right, Jed.
You didn't hear any sobbing just now, did you? No.
Good.
Because I wasn't crying.
OK.
Listen, I've calmed down a bit and fair play about that article.
I was going to pull it anyway.
Editor didn't like.
Oh, brilliant.
Why didn't he like it? Hey.
What are you up to Saturday night? Nothing.
I've got tickets for this big sports benefit.
Lot of big names.
Fancy it? Yeah.
Well, I've got six tickets, so you can have the other five.
Don't you want to bring anyone? Haven't got anyone.
My relationships never seem to last.
Now what have I done with my fucking Charlie? Fuck! Oh, bloody hell! Oh, morning, Pete.
No wonder you got that promotion.
What we have has got nothing to do with that.
Manfred got that promotion on merit alone.
And the fact that he's good at his job turns me on.
This is even more disgusting than the chicken factory.
A chicken factory would make chickens, Peter.
We're destroying them.
What? Come on, Pete, don't be like that.
What about you, I thought you had an epiphany? I have.
I'm getting dozens out.
But then she grabbed my buttocks in the staff kitchenette.
Whew, she's amazing, man.
The things she can do with her hands.
Must be all those years strangling chickens, eh? Tea, Peter? No, thank you.
Oh, all right, Dad.
You never returned my drill.
You've had it six months.
Did you put those shelves up? I was going to do it this weekend.
Hello, Frank.
You haven't? What? No! Rebecca, what's going on? Why.
Jealous? Oh, how's it, Frank? Rebecca, this is Frank.
Yes, I know, we go way back.
We made love three times last night.
We did everything.
Nothing was taboo.
She made me dress up as Bernard Matthews.
Well, you didn't need to be asked twice.
Something to think about when you're wondering what might've been.
Now listen here, Rebecca.
I love Noreen.
When are you going to understand? I am not interested in you.
I never have been and I never will be! Well, Dad, that was I'll go and get your drill.
So the night of Jed's sports benefit and I see Pete's bought Lottie, but a bit of a surprise that two of the tickets also went to his parents.
Now, that's quite mature, isn't it, Terry? Not really, he's using it as an opportunity to rub his dad's nose in it and to show how well he's doing.
That's what these charity events are for.
I didn't take a single point off Williams.
It was the shortest match in the history of women's tennis.
But it's a good base to build from.
Well, it's a launching pad, isn't it? Look, there they are.
Ah, Pete.
Oh, at last.
Mum and Dad, this is my Lottie.
Hello, I'm Frank.
This is my wife Rebecca I mean Noreen.
Well, isn't this lovely? I've never had real champagne before.
Yes, you have, Mum.
No, he always gets Cava.
It's pronounced "Ca-Va.
" And I think a lot of the sparkling Spanish wines are more than a match for your so-called French champagnes.
I believe it was Picasso's favourite tipple.
Picasso was mad.
He was a genius.
How many have you had? Oh, there's my friend Miriam.
I've never managed to get a set off her.
Though she is an Olympic gold medallist.
I didn't know we'd ever won an Olympic gold in tennis.
We didn't.
She's a tobogganist.
Is she? There he is, my new star signing.
How the fuck are you? Good.
Is it really necessary to swear? Mum, my new editor.
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with swearing.
Shit, piss, wank.
Peter! I'm sorry.
This is great, man.
Thanks for the tickets.
Why did you bring her? I couldn't stop myself, she's got this weird sexual power over me.
Oh, what's wrong with you? Hello, Frank.
Rebecca.
Your name's Rebecca? Yes.
And you must be Noreen.
That's right.
The stay at home wife who doesn't work hard or play hard.
I bet you don't even know what a Tom Collins is.
Well, I know what a John Thomas is and I'm looking at one right now.
'Well played.
Who knew she had access to that kind of language?' Rebecca, I don't think you've met Jed, my sports editor.
So you're the man who's been poaching my staff.
You what? Er, Jed, I understand you are a gay man? What did you say? You know, a homosexual.
You what? Me? Gay? I'm not gay.
Where did you get that from? Well Rebecca, that machine that separates the chicken, how does that work? I see.
So you've been putting it about that I'm gay, have you? Having a good laugh with your mates? Drawing pictures of me in the sex act.
What? Making up limericks about me.
You sound like you're having fun.
Lottie Beaumont.
Well, are you going to tell her, or shall I? Lottie, he's on cocaine, don't listen to a word he says.
We're all on cocaine! The point is your boyfriend wrote an article slagging you off, just so he wouldn't have to work in a grubby, shitty little chicken factory.
I don't think 8,000 square feet is little.
He called you a rich, lumbering, talentless loser.
That is so patently untrue.
Why would I write something like that? Oh, yes, good point.
Read it.
'It's all unravelling due to the wonders of modern technology.
' "If only she got through her opponents like she gets through a plate of doughnuts.
" I knew you wanted that last doughnut.
You did write this.
And he only wanted it pulled when he started knocking you off.
That is wrong.
I had serious doubts when I had my hand up your jumper.
Yes, well.
I should thank you, really.
Because you've made me even more certain that one day I will win Wimbledon.
Mmm Lottie! Jed, it's probably best if we just draw a line under all this.
No, mate.
You're sacked.
What? You can't sack me, I haven't even started yet.
Well, perhaps you should've signed your fucking contract! Me.
Gay? Rebecca, how are you fixed for giblet scoopers, cos I've still got my hair net? I don't think so.
You've been replaced by a younger man.
And so have you.
'So a catastrophic ending for Pete.
'No job, no girl.
And his mum knows he swears.
' I was very proud of you there, Noreen.
Yes, well, we'll talk about that when we get home.
'Oh, looks like Frank's in a spot of bother as well.
' 'Yes, indeed.
' And it turns out he was drawing pictures of Jed in the sex act.
There you go.
Oh, dear.
Well, join us again next time when once again Pete takes on life.
Good night.
Ah, yes.
Things have been bad for Pete in the sports writing world.
His dad's arranged for him to meet an old BT contact with a view to getting a job, Col.
Oh, dear! Look at that suit! It's almost as if subconsciously he doesn't want the job.
Aye, looks like he's been Tarmacing a drive.
Why'd you call it a resume? What's wrong with using the English word, a CV? Curriculum Vitae? Yeah.
Anyway, what's this six months voluntary work in Africa about? I live with an African bloke, so Ooh, she's here.
Frank! You haven't changed a bit! You must have a painting in the attic.
No, just a cold water tank.
Oh, this is Peter, my son.
Hello.
He is very handsome.
Thank you.
But, then, he would be, wouldn't he? Mmm-hmm.
Yes, Rebecca not afraid to use her sexuality to get what she wants in the boardroom.
If Alan Sugar can do it, why not the ladies? And the meeting well under way, let's see what they're up to.
Your father and I used to have such fun in here! Yeah, and the rest of the team! Crazy times, the '80s.
We'd get in here Friday, early doors, the next thing you'd know it's two in the morning and we're all off our tits on Blue Nun and Cointreau! But that's BT engineers.
We worked hard but we played hard, too.
Especially this one.
Yeah.
Well, whatever happened to Blue Nun? Oh, you can still get it, Frank.
Anytime you like.
Anyway, what about Pete? We have quite a high turnover of staff.
Some people just can't cope with the pressure.
Is it fixing phones or? Oh, no.
Rebecca's no longer with BT.
She runs a chicken-packing factory in Lowton.
I've got a 2:2 in Social Science.
A 2:2? And in Social Science? Yeah.
Yeah, but he's very strong.
He can lift anything.
Well, as it's Frank's son, then I'll make an exception.
And we have a great social life.
We work hard, but we play hard, too.
Once we've showered.
There's a lot of splatter.
So what do you say, Pete? All right! Ugh I'll do it.
But just as long as you know, first and foremost, I am a sports writer, OK? Of course, we'll start you on giblet scooping.
I didn't necessarily want to go into accountancy, but my parents and Anna thought it would fit my skill set.
And so did I.
And, really, how many people like their jobs? I think you've landed on your feet.
I've holidays coming up, any chance you can get me in? Will you be driving in? I suppose so.
I'll see what I can do.
Hi, guys! Hi, Bunny.
How was work? Really good.
Really, really good.
Great.
Everyone, this is Lottie.
Bloody hell.
We were at school together.
We were both prefects.
Although, I think I was the senior prefect! I bumped into Lottie shopping.
Dad bought me this ring to celebrate the third anniversary of me turning pro.
Wow! Lottie's a tennis player.
That's nice.
The seventh best in the UK.
I was number six.
Yes, Lottie Beaumont ranked seventh in Britain, which makes her 8,945th in the world.
I'll get the coffees.
And the doughnuts.
Sure.
You should talk to Pete, he's a sports writer.
Not at the moment.
Things are a bit slow.
I'm working in a chicken-packing factory.
Oh, no! You must follow your dream, like me in tennis.
It's not that easy if you haven't got a rich dad.
That had nothing to do with it.
In fact, it made it harder people saying it was easy cos my dad was chairman of the British Lawn Tennis Association.
Yeah, sorry.
I can see how that would make life difficult.
I lost count of the amount of coaches that told me to my face that I have no talent and the wrong attitude, just because my dad's rich.
But I fought and I made it.
So you playing Eastbourne? Had a wild card but I pulled out.
Injured? I'm going skiing.
But really, you must stick to your dream, like I have.
Well, you've certainly inspired me.
She certainly has.
Lottie Beaumont sums up everything that is wrong with British tennis.
Strong stuff, but this could get him back in the sports writing game.
Look at that! Talentless, deluded, doughnut-eating He's not pulling his punches.
What's the worst review you've had, Terry? Probably after a game at Arsenal.
Sue Barker once called me clumsy with a very low work-rate.
She wasn't doing the football then, was she? No, it was after I'd slept with her.
Ah! And off it goes to Jed Simmonds at the News of the Globe.
The only national newspaper sports editor ever to buy an article off Pete.
The beaks and claws are channelled this way.
The guts, intestines and other offal channelled that way.
Why separate? They go to the same pie factory.
I hope that was a joke.
Yeah.
It was, yeah.
How many chickens can it do in an hour? Swot.
That is a good question, Manfred.
Thank you.
At full capacity, this machine can handle over 1000.
Peter, any questions? Eh yes.
What time is the tea break? This can't be right.
Pete, can you check this for me? Watching the TV! I've found an inefficiency in the way they de-beak the chickens.
What you doing? It's bad enough we have to work there.
But it was great.
The way we had dominion over thousands of chickens.
It was like we were their God.
Did you not feel that sense of power? The only thing I felt was bored and a bit disgusted.
I've never got such a rush before.
You been to Legoland? No.
That's why, then.
Those cakes free? No.
Oh.
Hello.
Hi.
Been looking for you.
Why, what have you heard? Nothing.
I have a technique to help your sports writing.
All right.
Visualisation.
Picture yourself selling an article, and then it just sort of happens! That sounds straight forward.
I used it when Sharapova beat me.
Didn't work, then.
I used it when Sharapova beat me.
Didn't work, then.
Got a game.
Yep, taking a game off a top ten player, bit of a result for Lottie.
Yeah, best result was when she took two games off Kim Clijsters, although Kim had broken her wrist and was playing left-handed.
Ooh, that looks nice.
Make that two.
Should a tennis player be eating a full English breakfast? I need certain complex carbohydrates and it doesn't matter if it's from three avocados or a full English.
All right.
And a fried slice.
Oh, that's the spirit! When you're on the tour, you never get a chance to build meaningful relationships.
It's just onto the next tournament, the next city.
I thought you weren't on the tour.
I'm in Nottingham a lot.
It's just I never get a chance to meet many men.
Are you seeing anyone at the moment? No.
Not at all.
Do you fancy going out some time? Love to.
Fancy a drink tonight? I'm in training.
Ah, fair enough.
I can only drink vodka.
'Looks like trouble.
' Are you going to eat that? 'Ooh, Jed's running that article.
' 'Oh, dear, 'that is tricky.
' So I'll see you later! What? OK, magic.
See you 'He's got a date in the diary but he's ripped her to shreds.
'One of those must give.
' 'I dunno.
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
' 'Well, Pete and Manfred enjoying a well-earned cup of tea after 'a hard morning spatchcocking chemically-enhanced chickens.
' You want something from the complimentary chicken buffet? Are you insane? Don't you remember what we did to them? Why do you think no-one else is touching it? Well, maybe I'll have some later, hey? Hello, gents.
We're on a break! I know.
Manfred, I wanted to tell you, I looked at your efficiency ideas about the de-beaking, I like them.
I like them a lot.
Thanks, Rebecca! This kind of positive reinforcement is very important to me.
No, it's more than that.
As you know, I'm looking for a new supervisor, and you two are now my longest-serving staff members.
Only started Monday.
It's between you two.
Is there more money? No.
Right.
Manfred.
I'm sorry to say that you have the extra responsibility of being the new supervisor.
Oh, great! Here's your paper cap.
Do I wear it over the hairnet? Instead of.
Good luck, Manfred.
Make me proud.
I will.
I will go through your chickens like a combine harvester.
Oh, looks like you owe me a fiver.
They're not all lesbians.
This, their first date, they've been snogging for ten minutes and some pattern's beginning to emerge.
Yeah.
If we look on the hot spot camera we can see there's been a lot of leg touching, hand up the back of the shirts and, a foray into the chest area.
This, the closest Pete has ever got to having sexual relations with a professional sportswoman.
The previous closest was a fumble in a Fiat Punto with a county standard darts player.
But he's going to have to tell her about that piece he's written that slags off every aspect of her character.
Oh, he's going to do it now.
What is it? I've had an article accepted to one of the tabloids.
Well that's brilliant.
I told you it would happen if you visualised.
Yeah.
The thing is, it's on a bit of a delicate subject matter.
That's doubly clever, then.
'Goodness me, she's not making it easy!' What's it about? Football, football.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
It's like his backbone is made of Curly Wurly.
Although, his old fella is like a Mars Bar that's just come out the freezer! 'But the longer he leaves doing something about that article, 'the worst it'll get.
' Hello, is that Jed? Pete Griffiths.
It's been too fucking long.
You know that article I wrote Beautiful, and the way you tied it all into Lottie Beaumont, gave her a right seeing to.
She'll have to move out the fucking country when this breaks! About that, yeah 'One of my staff writers' is going off on maternity leave.
I wanted to sack her but apparently that's not legal.
Fancy covering it? Mmm? I'd have used one of my regular freelancers, but they're in prison.
Anyway, Up for it? Yeah.
'He changed sides quicker than a Libyan civil servant!' 'Aye.
' And on that farm he had some You got a chicken in there? Shhh.
What's going on? I've had an epiphany.
What we are doing here is wrong.
We are killing chickens in almost a factory-like way.
What do you mean, almost? I'm fixing it.
I can't get them all out, but I can help some escape.
Where'll you put 'em? It's North London.
You going to retrain them as graphic designers? I just thought I would leave them on the golf course, eh? Hello, gents.
Pete, I believe you wanted to talk to me about something? Yeah.
Yeah, I would.
I would like to tender my resignation.
Might I ask why? Yes, you can.
It's a disgusting working environment.
The work itself is sickening.
The money's shit.
And I've just been offered a job at a national newspaper.
Must've been a tough decision.
Uh! 'Pete burning his bridges, like I did when I left the BBC.
' I would've liked to have repaid their loyalty but I wasn't moving to Manchester for any money! We're back after these.
Welcome back.
When Lottie suggested clubbing it to celebrate Pete's new job, he didn't think he'd end up in London's premier gay club Box Junction.
I like to come to a gay club at least once a week.
Normal clubs can be so hassling.
So how many times a week do you go clubbing, then? Never more than five.
Jed? Pete.
I'm not gay! Hey? Nothing.
Fuck me, you're Lottie Beaumont, who's my girlfriend.
This is Jed, he's my new boss.
Nice to meet you.
Here you go, Lottie.
Thanks, is it a double? Listen, mate, I haven't told her about the article yet.
Just Oh, no.
Nice one.
I like it.
I thought you'd just hacked her phone, but not afraid to shit on your own doorstep.
It's tasty.
Yeah! But you're not going to mention anything, are you, cos it's? No, no, and you'll keep schtum about the whole Oh, yeah.
Not that there's anything to keep schtum about.
Oh, of course, yeah.
So who fancies another one? Yeah.
Or how about a bit of the old? No, thank you.
Of course, pro athlete and all that.
No, I'm on ecstasy.
Fair do's.
Right, I'm off to the bogs.
Fancy coming, Pete? For some Charlie, not gay sex? Oh I think I'm all right, actually, thank you.
Thanks, though.
Are you on ecstasy?! Aren't you supposed to be playing Venus Williams in the morning.
I can easily beat her.
Are you sure? She is quite good.
She has won Wimbledon.
Not for a few years.
Pete, if I believe I'll win, I will win.
Even after you've done a pill? Yes, it sharpens the brain synapses.
Where'd you get that from? I read it somewhere.
Or overheard it on a train.
Oh, right.
Anyway, do you want one? Oh, I dunno.
Go on, it's just a bit of fun.
Yeah, all right, then.
Woo-hoo! Well, just while we're waiting for them to come up, as I believe the phrase is, I'd like to bring in Bez, formerly of the Happy Mondays and winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
Welcome, Bez.
How do? So, Bez, you've done your fair share of class A drugs.
Can you explain the effects of ecstasy using this graphic of your own head? Yeah, no probs.
Basically, it works by releasing serotonium, which makes you all happy and dancey.
Right, but there is a down-side, isn't there? Yeah, you can get nicked.
No, no, I mean, there's a mental effect.
Yeah, you go real mental.
It's brilliant.
Fascinating stuff.
And remember, kids, if you're watching, really don't take drugs.
So how are you doing now? Ooh, yeah, yeah.
Definitely felt something then, felt something coming on.
I'll get you some water.
Where you going, where you going? 'Yes, Pete not happy about being left alone.
'Feelings of fear and paranoia beginning to build 'as the drugs take hold.
' Hello, Pete.
Oh, who's there? Rob and I have been talking, and we think, now that you're working, it's high time you got a pension.
Eh, what, what? There are products out Well, Pete's mellow being well and truly harshed.
That's right, Colin.
If we take a look at this pie chart illustrating what Pete normally likes to do on drugs.
Usual suspects all there.
Lying in a meadow, talking to pets.
But discussing his pension noticeable by its absence.
What would the Flaming Lips have come up with if they'd had Anna to talk to when they were writing Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots? Doesn't bear thinking about, Colin.
No, indeed.
And it's an incredibly tax-efficient way to save, isn't it, Rob? Yeah, yeah.
See.
Anna, if you don't mind, I'm actually on drugs.
Of course.
You haven't got any more, have you, mate? Rob! Coming! 'Five minutes later and look at Pete now.
'Don't know about his dancing, though.
'He looks like an insane bear that's been, I dunno, 'taunted once too often by a cruel gypsy.
'Spot on, Colin.
Spot on.
' Morning.
I was trying not to wake you.
Why are you dressed like that? I'm going riding this morning.
Aren't you supposed to be playing Venus Williams this morning? Oh God, yes.
Must be all that E.
Are you going to be all right to play? I mean you had, like, eight Vodka Red Bulls as well.
That's nothing.
I'm going to win.
There is no plan B.
Better dash.
Righto.
'Well, Pete right to look pensive, 'the date that article comes out is getting closer by the day.
' Forgot my rackets.
What do you mean, you want to pull the article? It's fucking gold.
She's my girlfriend.
I know.
It's the job.
We all have to betray someone.
A mate, a girlfriend, or in my case, my little daughter.
Well I haven't actually signed my contract yet, so, technically, you can't publish it.
You what? You sign that right fucking now.
I really don't want to.
You fucking what? You come in here with your tight little bum telling me how to do my job.
I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family.
'Now, who wouldn't need to relieve themselves after a tirade like that?' Pete.
'Uh-oh.
' All right, Jed.
You didn't hear any sobbing just now, did you? No.
Good.
Because I wasn't crying.
OK.
Listen, I've calmed down a bit and fair play about that article.
I was going to pull it anyway.
Editor didn't like.
Oh, brilliant.
Why didn't he like it? Hey.
What are you up to Saturday night? Nothing.
I've got tickets for this big sports benefit.
Lot of big names.
Fancy it? Yeah.
Well, I've got six tickets, so you can have the other five.
Don't you want to bring anyone? Haven't got anyone.
My relationships never seem to last.
Now what have I done with my fucking Charlie? Fuck! Oh, bloody hell! Oh, morning, Pete.
No wonder you got that promotion.
What we have has got nothing to do with that.
Manfred got that promotion on merit alone.
And the fact that he's good at his job turns me on.
This is even more disgusting than the chicken factory.
A chicken factory would make chickens, Peter.
We're destroying them.
What? Come on, Pete, don't be like that.
What about you, I thought you had an epiphany? I have.
I'm getting dozens out.
But then she grabbed my buttocks in the staff kitchenette.
Whew, she's amazing, man.
The things she can do with her hands.
Must be all those years strangling chickens, eh? Tea, Peter? No, thank you.
Oh, all right, Dad.
You never returned my drill.
You've had it six months.
Did you put those shelves up? I was going to do it this weekend.
Hello, Frank.
You haven't? What? No! Rebecca, what's going on? Why.
Jealous? Oh, how's it, Frank? Rebecca, this is Frank.
Yes, I know, we go way back.
We made love three times last night.
We did everything.
Nothing was taboo.
She made me dress up as Bernard Matthews.
Well, you didn't need to be asked twice.
Something to think about when you're wondering what might've been.
Now listen here, Rebecca.
I love Noreen.
When are you going to understand? I am not interested in you.
I never have been and I never will be! Well, Dad, that was I'll go and get your drill.
So the night of Jed's sports benefit and I see Pete's bought Lottie, but a bit of a surprise that two of the tickets also went to his parents.
Now, that's quite mature, isn't it, Terry? Not really, he's using it as an opportunity to rub his dad's nose in it and to show how well he's doing.
That's what these charity events are for.
I didn't take a single point off Williams.
It was the shortest match in the history of women's tennis.
But it's a good base to build from.
Well, it's a launching pad, isn't it? Look, there they are.
Ah, Pete.
Oh, at last.
Mum and Dad, this is my Lottie.
Hello, I'm Frank.
This is my wife Rebecca I mean Noreen.
Well, isn't this lovely? I've never had real champagne before.
Yes, you have, Mum.
No, he always gets Cava.
It's pronounced "Ca-Va.
" And I think a lot of the sparkling Spanish wines are more than a match for your so-called French champagnes.
I believe it was Picasso's favourite tipple.
Picasso was mad.
He was a genius.
How many have you had? Oh, there's my friend Miriam.
I've never managed to get a set off her.
Though she is an Olympic gold medallist.
I didn't know we'd ever won an Olympic gold in tennis.
We didn't.
She's a tobogganist.
Is she? There he is, my new star signing.
How the fuck are you? Good.
Is it really necessary to swear? Mum, my new editor.
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with swearing.
Shit, piss, wank.
Peter! I'm sorry.
This is great, man.
Thanks for the tickets.
Why did you bring her? I couldn't stop myself, she's got this weird sexual power over me.
Oh, what's wrong with you? Hello, Frank.
Rebecca.
Your name's Rebecca? Yes.
And you must be Noreen.
That's right.
The stay at home wife who doesn't work hard or play hard.
I bet you don't even know what a Tom Collins is.
Well, I know what a John Thomas is and I'm looking at one right now.
'Well played.
Who knew she had access to that kind of language?' Rebecca, I don't think you've met Jed, my sports editor.
So you're the man who's been poaching my staff.
You what? Er, Jed, I understand you are a gay man? What did you say? You know, a homosexual.
You what? Me? Gay? I'm not gay.
Where did you get that from? Well Rebecca, that machine that separates the chicken, how does that work? I see.
So you've been putting it about that I'm gay, have you? Having a good laugh with your mates? Drawing pictures of me in the sex act.
What? Making up limericks about me.
You sound like you're having fun.
Lottie Beaumont.
Well, are you going to tell her, or shall I? Lottie, he's on cocaine, don't listen to a word he says.
We're all on cocaine! The point is your boyfriend wrote an article slagging you off, just so he wouldn't have to work in a grubby, shitty little chicken factory.
I don't think 8,000 square feet is little.
He called you a rich, lumbering, talentless loser.
That is so patently untrue.
Why would I write something like that? Oh, yes, good point.
Read it.
'It's all unravelling due to the wonders of modern technology.
' "If only she got through her opponents like she gets through a plate of doughnuts.
" I knew you wanted that last doughnut.
You did write this.
And he only wanted it pulled when he started knocking you off.
That is wrong.
I had serious doubts when I had my hand up your jumper.
Yes, well.
I should thank you, really.
Because you've made me even more certain that one day I will win Wimbledon.
Mmm Lottie! Jed, it's probably best if we just draw a line under all this.
No, mate.
You're sacked.
What? You can't sack me, I haven't even started yet.
Well, perhaps you should've signed your fucking contract! Me.
Gay? Rebecca, how are you fixed for giblet scoopers, cos I've still got my hair net? I don't think so.
You've been replaced by a younger man.
And so have you.
'So a catastrophic ending for Pete.
'No job, no girl.
And his mum knows he swears.
' I was very proud of you there, Noreen.
Yes, well, we'll talk about that when we get home.
'Oh, looks like Frank's in a spot of bother as well.
' 'Yes, indeed.
' And it turns out he was drawing pictures of Jed in the sex act.
There you go.
Oh, dear.
Well, join us again next time when once again Pete takes on life.
Good night.