PhoneShop (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

OK, so you're bussin' bare love movements, scaling them heights, taking her places she ain't never been before.
Ash, you know how Jerwayne operates, yeah.
Special man love, lover man love.
I had my girl speaking in tongues.
OK, so it's one of them ones, yeah.
You're doing all that and then And then, boom! My girl's dashed me out the door, waving me off through the window.
I'm not even waking up in my girl's bed.
And this happens every time.
Every time? Apart from the first night where I get to stay over all night.
Mmm! Is she racist? Nah, she's black, innit.
Yeah, is she racist? Nah, my girl's special, believe.
But you gotta move on this, bruv.
Ash, contain yourself.
Man's a player, innit? Just bring my natural game to the table, you know.
PHONE BUZZES Oh, boy! She pang! I ain't even bothered.
I ain't even going to answer it.
Fuck it! Natural game.
What the fuck you doing? Ash! Listen, check this, check this.
Olivia, hey, it's Ashley.
Jerwayne's boy, innit.
What's she saying? Listen, my man is just over in the florist's right now.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
Hand selecting a bouquet of the finest stems for you.
Yeah, you done know.
True say, yeah, my man got mad love for you, girl.
Yeah.
What's she saying? What's she saying? All that happiness, Olivia, is mixed with a sadness I ain't seen in him before, you know.
It's like that deep, soul-searching sadness that you see in, like, a dog's eyes when it's doing a shit and you're looking at him.
What? What the fuck you talking about? Yeah, that one, that infinite sadness.
Oh, oh! Is she crying? Oh, yes! Boom! Oh, don't cry.
I beg you, don't cry.
Baby, I beg you, don't cry.
I know.
I beg you, don't cry.
I beg you, don't cry.
Baby, I beg you, don't cry.
I know.
I beg you, don't cry.
No, please, darling.
Listen, Olivia, can I ask you a question, please? Can I ask you a question? Thank you.
Um, the question is, why won't you let man stay over your yard, innit? Of course you can tell Uncle Ash.
You can tell me anything, darling.
Course I ain't going to tell no-one.
How ironic! Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
What? What's she saying? Really? What's she saying? OK, yeah.
Nah.
Really?! What's she saying? Ash! What is she saying? I'll give you that, that's fairly unusual actually.
Ash! What's she saying? Apparently, yeah, when you go sleep, yeah, you look like a fucking idiot, all dribble face and crazy eyes, yeah.
I look fucking! Cra! Really? OK.
Give me the phone.
OK.
Give me the phone, Ash.
Ash, give me the phone.
Also, you chat bare foolishness in your sleep.
Oh, and you look like a big fucking idiot baby.
Give me the fucking phone.
I look like a fucking idiot when I sleep? What, man looks like a baby man, yeah? Man chatting shit when he sleeps? Listen, I wasn't even gonna unwrap this, but you've got dry foot.
Yeah, your foot come like dinosaur.
Yeah, wax your foot, girl.
Yeah, yeah, grease up your feet.
Yeah, and that's just for starters.
Don't even let me mention your dry, picky, pepper-grain head.
Yeah, I've seen it under the weave.
Oh, really, really! You're going to fuck me up? OK, Dr Pepper Grain, I would love to see you try that.
I welcome it.
Yeah, fuck you.
Fuck you! Looks like a fucking idiot when he sleeps.
Man looks like a fucking baby, man.
Bu'n that! So the idea is that it's a series of paintings of celebrities If they weren't celebrities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
I know who that is.
Coleen Rooney closing up the sunbed shop for the night.
Is it? There's Wayne, waiting in the car.
He's not happy.
He's not.
She's kept him waiting.
He wants to go home but they've got to bank the takings.
He's got a face like thunder.
Shit! No, it's not shit.
His head's a bit too big for his body.
I thought he was in prison.
Oh, he's not lost the looks.
Who? Don't look.
It's my ex, he's an animal.
He's seen us.
He's seen us.
What, the bloke with the paper? Blue shirt and danger in his eyes? He hasn't seen us.
He has.
He hasn't.
He has.
He's bloody seen us.
Well, he has now you shouted about it.
He is so jealous.
He blinded a man outside a QFC with a side of barbecued beans.
He will eat you alive.
What are you doing? Doing a runner! Don't run, he'll outpace you.
Sit down.
Don't sit down, he'll view it as a sign of weakness! What am I meant to do, then? The only way you're going to get through this, Christopher, you need to out-alpha him.
Man up.
Think like Britain's Hardest Man.
Is that Ross Kemp weeing on people in a skip? He only wets on the bad gangs, Christopher.
Ray! Long time no see.
I thought you were still No.
No, a couple of years now, you know.
Keeping me nose clean, and that.
Still looking good, Neen.
Ray.
Lenny.
You smashing that, then, eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I'm smashing that all over the fucking shop.
As well as smashing others all over other shops.
All the fucking time.
I fucking smash stuff up.
I am a smasher.
You smashing? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Smashing.
I'm pleased to meet you, Lenny.
He's a good lad, Janine.
I like him.
Like him a lot.
Yeah? Well, I I like I like you an' all.
You you big cunt.
He only wants to meet you for a business lunch.
Only wants to meet me for a business lunch?! What's he going to make me do, do a blag? Cut off a pensioner's face with a shank? No, no! He's turned his back on all that, he said so! It'll be fine.
If it'll be fine, why hasn't he invited you?! He's playing hard to get! No.
No, Janine, do not even think about it.
He needs me.
Ohh.
He was wild.
A lost soul.
I was the only one who could tame him.
Quieten his rages.
I'd take my top off and sing Sadness Part 1 by Enigma.
We were notorious.
It was a different life before I committed to retail.
The world didn't understand us.
He was a tortured genius.
Jim Morrison with a BTEC.
We were the Sid and Nancy of Sutton.
See that shop there? That was a tattoo parlour.
That's where we got our matching tattoos.
You haven't got a tattoo! Fuck.
Ssh.
How could it affect figures? It's not going to affect figures.
It's ridiculous to say that's going to affect what we take in the shop.
Do you know how long I've been in this business for? I know you know, but do you know how long I've been in this business for? No, I haven't seen it! I'll have a look at it in my own time! Piece of shit.
No! That was to a customer.
Do not tell me what to do! Yes! Technically, you can tell me what to do.
I'm sorry.
I will look at it.
Thank you.
What a piece of shit! Hello? How could this face ever look stupid, yeah? This face don't know stupid! Ash! Look at me, yeah? Look at this face.
This is man trying to look stupid.
And this is man asleep.
W I'm sorry, what? I'm sleeping.
If I Look.
Do you see what I'm saying, though? D Any of them faces look stupid to you? No, bruv, course not! Exactly! This face don't know stupid.
Stupid ain't in man's facial vocabulary.
Joy! Is that you? What? What you talking about, Lance? Looks like you.
You saying we all look the same? That's some vintage racism in the workplace there, boi.
It might be the caption - "Phoneshop Sutton's Jerwayne Sinclair".
"The original sleepyman"? Bruv! Where did you get this? Head Office.
What? Where'd they get it? Everyone's got it.
It's gone round the high street.
Fuck.
I live here.
KNOCK ON DOOR Jerwayne! Well done! You look like a prick! BOTH: Fuck off, Sandra.
Up yours, Sleepyman! Bruv this ain't good.
Bruv! Tell me that's not from Head Office.
Leave me alone.
L-L-L-Leave me alone.
It's worse than that.
It's come off of Michael Choo out of Maplins.
Who got it from Warehouse Lee at River Island.
Who got it off of Fat Sara out of Clinton's.
And 225 others! J-J-J-Jerwayne! Mm-hmm.
Mmm! Fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Leave the sleepyman alone! It is not a crisis! It's not! I'll tell you what a crisis is.
You get caught fingering the entire Croydon branch round the back of the bins last year! And I'm including the Saturday staff in that.
That, my friend, was a crisis.
You shouldn't even have been there, Shelley! Mark, I don't look possessed! I don't care what Brother Luke says, I'm not being baptised on Sunday! KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, fuck! Games Workshop! Fuck! Oi, mages! Go fuck a goblin! It's all right, Joy.
Twitter like you.
Oh no, they don't.
Half an hour, yeah, cos I'm tracing this call.
And when I News of the World your voicemail, man'll close you the fuck down, you get me? Sleepyman's trending in The Potteries.
You're big in Stoke! What?! Sorry.
Sorry.
In my experience, Christopher, there's only one thing you can do.
What? Run away.
See that? Yeah.
That's been packed on standby for 15 years now.
Three Global Hypercolor t-shirts, two pairs of Joe Bloggs jeans, and a really nice pair of red Kickers.
I'm prepared for any eventuality.
Does he know where you work? No.
I told him I was a welder.
Good boy.
He does know where I live, though.
What? Well, he took my wallet off me, as a deposit.
Right.
Sit down.
This is what you do.
When a man attacks another man, yeah? It's him! Yes! The prison bruv! Yes! I heard about that guy.
Man uses barbecue beans as a weapon, you know.
Right.
Sit down.
Here's what you're going to do.
Fuck off! How can I say this? When a man attacks another man, yeah? Christopher? What? I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Now, do you know what you're doing? No, of course I don't know! OK, listen very carefully.
When a man attacks I know! Christopher! What? Would you give him this? Oh, God.
For those with an artistic eye there's a hidden message there.
Is there? Look! The best man's Jeff Brazier, and he's driving the wedding car.
Great.
Lenny.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
Oi.
Listen 'ere.
Ray.
I dunno what your fucking game is, but I do not fucking I don't like it.
The game.
I don't like your fucking game.
Son.
It's not Ray.
It's James.
What? When I first saw you I saw myself ten years ago.
I thought, I've got to hope that guy, because that guy was me.
I could see she was doing to you exactly what she'd done to me.
Told you she like bad boys, did she? The badder, the better, course she did.
I knew it.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew it.
Got you under a spell, hasn't she? Next thing you know, you're throwing your weight about, aren't you? Acting the tough guy.
Spitting in restaurants.
Shouting at waitresses Eat shit, mother I know.
Because I've been there.
All her doing, wasn't it? Yeah.
There's only one thing you can do before she ruins your life like she nearly ruined mine.
What? You do what I did.
What's that? You run away.
What about I thought you went to prison for blinding the chap with the barbecue beans outside the QFC.
That was a sham to get Janine off the scent.
Them beans were cold.
Nigel was a pal of mine.
He actually got conjunctivitis.
He nearly lost his eye.
Janine is a very clever lady.
She would have tracked me down if I'd have just left.
I've been living in Holland the last ten years, you know? I'm only here on a work conference.
Listen, Lenny you've got to leave her.
You've got to get away from her.
Tell me tell me you're going to leave.
Yeah.
No, tell me you're going to leave her.
Tonight.
Yeah, I'm going I'm going to leave leave her tonight.
You're not going to regret this, you know? Above the clouds, the sun is always shining.
And I can see that I can see that your sweet little face Argh.
So much light.
Look at us.
Sit back.
Relax.
Yeah.
We both could do with cheering up, hey? Yeah.
Have a look at this.
One of the Dutch lads at the conference sent it to me, it's cracking funny.
Are you watching? Watch his face.
"I'm a sleepy man.
" He only wants a kip.
Just a little one.
You won't regret this, you know? No.
Tonight, yeah? Yeah, ton Yes, tonight.
We've come to see the SleepyMan.
Is this where he lives? Where is he? Is he asleep? Can you wake him up for us.
We've come all the way from Edinburgh.
On a train.
Bruv, come on, bruv, make an effort, yeah? Beg you.
Hey! One, two, three, blam! Do you think we could get him to do the dance? You know what, I don't think that would be a problem.
Let's go dancing, bruv! Bruv.
Come on, bruv, come on.
Let's go.
Hey! Do it more restless, like you're doing That's enough, yeah.
Oh, I love him.
Seriously, don't touch Take your hand off of me.
It's demeaning to me as a performer, yeah? Being on the internet is a good thing, it's a money generator.
All this is going to come good for you.
Two words, Susan Boyle.
Man's a bad man, yeah? Trust me, it's all going to work out for you.
Believe uncle Ashley.
"Believe uncle Ashley.
" Like you fixing up with me and Olivia.
I haven't seen an opportunity like this since I launched the Goodnight Princess national grieving package back in August '97.
Happy days.
Lance, SleepyMan's gone global.
Hold on, Brian.
SleepyMan! SleepyMan! We love you, SleepyMan! We love you, SleepyMan! Lance, no.
Bruv.
Original SleepyMan's in the house.
Check this.
DANCE MUSIC What kind of phones are you looking for? Cos I have very special package that you might be interested in.
Oh, have you? Not you, Womble.
Welcome to the SleepyMan Experience.
Please respect the performer and refrain from drinking, smoking and eating odorous foods.
Enjoy your experience.
What's this all about? How did it go? Tell me he loved the painting.
Oh He hated it, didn't he? Oh, he was so jealous and possessive, even a painting could set him of.
Yeah.
That didn't go down too well.
Are you all right? He didn't He did, didn't he.
Oh, the tasty little shit.
What happened? The moment I walked in there and saw that big old plate of beans in front of him Barbecue? Yeah, they were darker than usual.
I knew there was trouble.
Oh, Christopher.
Did you scrap? Yeeees, yeah.
All over the restaurant.
And there were chairs and tables going and people shouting, "No, God, no, I can't allow my children to see this.
" "A man shouldn't be punched in the face that many times.
" Oh! But I couldn't stop.
I loved it.
And I gave him a ruddy good fisting.
Basically, Janine how can I put this? When a man Christopher, come on, we need you over here.
SleepyMan's run out of baby oil.
Shift it, come on! DANCE MUSIC Yes, my Don man's badin' out here, innit? That's how we do, fam.
What are you doing? Not in the bed.
No, never dat, keep standing.
So, you dropped the moves on the man like I told you, you give him licks? Oh, yeah, I licked man's arse all over the shop.
Tell him what you said.
Well, after I bust all over man's face, I said I said, "Listen here, Sonny Jim.
" "You have already greatly overstayed your welcome and I don't want to see your face round here no more, you big beany bastard.
" Well done, bruv.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Yeah.
Here That's right.
Here's to men attacking other men.
All say aye to that, drink that.
That's horri That's horri I love it.
I've been talking to a lot of people about releasing a SleepyMan dub plate, yeah? But whether my manager wants me to do that It's like, I'm basically an artist.
And if I happen to become a celebrity because people appreciate man's work, then so be it.
I might be confused, but I thought someone was getting me a drink.
So I'm going to say I'm going to say you.
Jerwayne, is this you? What, more photos for the SleepyMan to sign? I've got to be honest, I's a bit tired, innit? I've got sharpie cramp.
The Pantyman? The Bra and Pantyman? I Just woke up, sleepy But I've still got a buzz, neatly Don't overbred, creepy Me crep yellow and green, BP On the next thing, I'm wavy Have I got sleep in my eye? Maybe Wipe it out, You can't beat about You just turned up, ain't going to rally I just woke up I just woke up I just woke up If I kill it, I just own up This is why people get sewn up People get sewn up I just woke up.
Look, bruv, I don't know how many more times I can tell you, it just ain't possible.
I told you, we are here to see the original SleepyMan.
Look This is kind of a tough one, yeah, like The SleepyMan is kind of asleep, like permanently.