Plebs (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

1 The bin on your left is kitchen waste.
That's old fruit, veg, bones, etc.
Kitchen waste.
The bin in the middle, that's your everyday household products.
Right.
That's your pottery shards, your sackcloth, papyrus and whatnot.
Household products, yeah.
Bin on your right, that's miscellaneous.
Miscellaneous.
What's that? Well, any other bollocks.
Got it? Yep.
Sorted.
Fruit on the right, bones in the middle, bollocks on the left.
Hang on.
Bones on the right, pots in the middle, whatnot on the Fuck it.
Miscellaneous.
Come see my show.
I'm in a show.
Come to my show.
Hey, guys.
Wanna come to my show? It's my Roman de-boo.
Oh, wow.
That's brilliant.
It's a one-woman play about the siege of Troy told from the perspective of the Trojan horse.
Yeah, yeah, that's brilliant.
How long is it, please? Two hours, no interval.
Plus a Q and A afterwards.
You'll come, right? I of course.
That sounds amazing.
I really can't wait.
OK.
How about you? While I'd love to support you on your 'de-boo', I'm actually too stupid for theatre.
I'm more into sport and sex.
Of course.
It is quite a challenging piece.
You are a very bad liar, by the way.
I think I got away with it though.
Yeah, just.
But what happens once you've actually seen the show? What do you say to her then? I just say "Loved the play, Cynth.
That was powerful stuff.
" No, see, you sound sarcastic.
That's just my normal voice.
Try again.
OK, don't cough.
You were sensational.
And don't go too far.
She'll smell a rat.
So um "What a great play.
" Yeah, you can't go.
It's too risky.
Spoon.
Spoon.
Spoon.
Spoon.
Spoo- What have you got there? A spoon.
Yeah, under the spoon.
A baby.
And what's it doing in our flat? It's just sort of gurgling.
Aw, it's well cute.
I know.
I found it in the bins.
Oh, I finally took the rubbish out like you said.
Fantastic.
That task also involved not coming back with a baby.
Well, I couldn't just leave it there, could I? Right, did anyone see you take it? Don't think so, why? I want you to put it back.
What? No chance.
You can't put it back once you've touched it.
That's basically a rule.
For canapes, yeah.
Not for babies.
It's not going back to the bins.
Take it to a shelter then.
Why? I can look after it.
Grumio, you can barely look after yourself.
Look what happened to your basil plant.
That plant were too thirsty.
I couldn't keep up.
Hence why you cannot keep a baby.
Your parents kept me.
That's different.
They were grown-ups.
And 50% woman.
Oh, so if it were you who found me on that hill you'd have just put me back, then? No, I just wouldn't have picked you up in the first place.
Tell him.
Maybe we should keep it.
Nice one.
What are we going to do with a baby? Take it for walks, to cafes.
Oh, no, no.
You want it as some sort of pulling device, don't you? Already got a shit hot pulling device right here, mate.
But another one can't hurt.
I say we vote on it.
No, no, no, no.
This is not a voting situation.
All those in favour of putting it back in the bin? All those in favour of keeping it? Boom.
OK.
Fine.
You'll get bored of this in a few days, anyway.
While it is here, I'm having nothing to do with it.
It is your responsibility, and you can start by changing it.
It fucking reeks.
Don't swear in front of my baby! Tear me off a leaf.
Are you sure a cabbage is gonna work? Course.
It's nature's nappy.
That's quite a pong for a little girl.
What are we gonna call her? Binny.
Binny, really? Cos I found her in the bins.
And you're sure that's a name? You can call a kid anything these days.
Plus, I don't want her to forget where she came from.
Binny it is.
You can take it from here, right? Yeah.
# Binny, I found you in the rubbish # But you are not rubbish # In fact you're really ace # Oh, Binny, you've got to go to sleep now # I need to go to sleep now Please just shut your face That is the last time I let you take the rubbish out, Grumio.
Suits me.
Eh up.
I think she wants some brekkie.
Where serves a nice drop of milk round here? Just slide her under the chassis there and wait for her to clamp on.
Will do.
Here goes.
She kept me up half the night with her non-stop caterwauling.
Sorry.
She won't be with us long.
This is a big week for me.
I'm making my de-boo as an actress.
And she's making her 'de-boo' as a person.
You're still coming, right? Yeah.
Of course.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Aaaaand She's on! Oh, look at her go.
Lovely.
Hungry little bugger, isn't she, eh? Bit weird, this.
It's all part of a noble tradition.
The founders of our city used to suck on a wolf.
Never did them any harm.
Yeah, and it's cheaper than a wet nurse.
Did you just say 'wet nurse'? Yeah, wet nurses.
They hang out down at the spice market.
Why are they wet? What's wet about them? I guess the um the norks.
We should get a wet nurse, Grumio.
Let's go and get a wet nurse right now.
This is amazing.
We should have got a baby ages ago.
So which one do you fancy? Um maybe one of them mothery ones sitting down over there.
The blonde, exactly.
What? No! Someone with experience.
A safe pair of boobs.
They'll be old boobs, Grumio.
Our baby doesn't want old milk oozing out like yoghurt.
She wants milk that's fresh and creamy and fit.
Hello.
Hey.
And who's this cutie? I'm Stylax.
Hi.
But this is Binny.
Aww.
Unusual name.
I found her in the bins.
The bins? That is horrific.
It's fine.
We gave her a rinse.
Well, here's some information on your legal rights as new parents.
Oh we're not couple.
I'm straight, and even if I was gay, I mean, come on.
I could do better than that.
He could, yeah.
And now baby needs a nurse? A wet one, yes.
Well, breast is best.
Yeah.
As well as providing all the key nutrients, it helps protect against illness - Hey.
Hey.
You had me at 'breast'.
"All employers are legally obliged to offer new fathers two weeks paid paternity leave.
" And that's not me saying that, sweetheart.
That is city hall.
So that creature's yours, is it? Big time.
Because it's rather pale, Shredder.
Whereas you're somewhat darker.
Yeah, she looks more like her mother.
And who is the mother? We don't know.
It could be one of a number of women.
Right.
No, no, no.
Make that stop.
Uh yeah.
Do-do.
Do-do.
I don't know how.
Could you? I might have something knocking about.
In fact Here you are.
Is that a dummy? Could be.
Unless it's a bummy.
A what, sorry? A bummy.
A bum dummy.
Do you mean a butt plug? It's either a baby's dummy or an adult's bummy.
How can I tell which it is? Maybe suck it and see? I think I'll leave it.
So, see you in two weeks, then? Very well, Shredder.
You may have your leave.
Thank you.
I've been wanting to shake things up in your department for some time.
You've just give me the perfect excuse.
Right.
For the next two weeks, Shredder's document disposal will be performed by your new colleague, Burner.
We're working with a barbecue? It's a state-of-the-art office appliance.
We need to modernise to economise.
It is quite hot though.
That's the thing about fires, Copier - hot is how they come.
Well, I think it's a huge improvement.
We'll finally get some work done around here.
I know! Look how efficient he is.
No, no! Ah.
Oh, wow! That's really impressive.
I was actually working on those.
Oh, it's his first day, he's bound to make mistakes.
Now, play nicely! Now, you're sure you're comfortable? If baby's comfortable then I'm comfortable.
Can I get you another pillow or open a window? I'm perfect, thank you.
Yeah? OK.
I'll just sit and watch.
The baby.
Salve, dickheads.
Hey, man.
Grab a seat.
It's feeding time.
What's going on? Marcus, this is Philippa.
Our wet nurse.
Philippa, this is Marcus, daddy number three.
I'm not a daddy, I just live here.
How much is this costing? Dude, never mind that.
20 denarii a feed.
What? That's double what the goat charged! Goat's milk is absolutely fine, if your child is a goat.
But it's fattier than breast milk, And stray hairs can stick in baby's throat.
There you go.
When it comes to nursing, you really get what you pay for.
Nursing? Spurting out bodily fluids counts as nursing now, does it? Woah! Steady on, man.
It's a branch of nursing, yes.
So maybe I'll go to the bogs and nurse out some piss.
Is that a branch of nursing? No, it's not.
What's got up your arse, then? This has, Grumio! This bollocks.
I'm stuck at work between Aurelius and a cauldron while you two fart around looking at boobs.
Firstly, we are not farting around.
We are nurturing an innocent child.
Secondly, we are not looking at boobs, plural, because Philippa here only gets one out at a time.
Look, I know you're tired and stressed, but please don't take it out on this highly talented woman who is performing nature's greatest miracle.
Thank you for valuing my work.
Hey, thank you for doing what you do.
Go and get her then.
You go.
I went last time.
No, she's your baby.
Stylax! No, thanks.
Why not? Don't want to.
Please, Marcus.
I'm so cosy.
If I get her, Grumio, I'm taking her to the shelter.
Chuffing Nora, all right then! Binny, I found you in the rubbish Come on, Binny.
You're doing my head in, love.
I can't stay awake.
It's not healthy to live with a baby and work with a fire.
It is warm.
I'll give you that.
She's literally turned this place into a sweat shop.
I hate to say this, but I think I prefer Stylax to that hot prick.
Morning, morning.
How are we all getting on? Like a house on fire.
Good, good.
As in, it's unbearably hot.
Well, you know what they say.
If you can't stand the heat, fuck off.
Right.
May I apologise for the high salt content of the water? Some perspiration might have infused.
That is thoroughly vile, water boy.
Sorry.
Water man.
It's just the conditions in here are a smidge inhuman.
Are they now? Well, what a human can't handle, we can always leave to appliances.
I doubt you'll find anything that can do my job.
What about a table? That would do, wouldn't it? This is my kind of office.
Is there any way I could do this? Do you get male wet nurses? And how might that work exactly? I dunno, as a sort of middle man? To get the milk going? Lactation's usually triggered by feeding or crying.
Or occasionally sexual arousal.
And what could trigger that? Did you come to book me again or just ask me daft questions? I have one more daft question.
Go on.
Do you fancy a drink? I mean, I figure you're always serving them, so maybe you'd want one yourself.
Oh, yeah! Yeah? Yeah! Yeah? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I don't like it! I don't like it! Argh! Argh! It's harder than it looks, you know.
Don't know how my parents did it.
I thought your parents decided not to do it and left you on top of a hill? And I'm beginning to see why.
They were very wise, my parents.
Just wish she'd start sleeping and stop crying.
Maybe it's a phase.
Yeah, she'll soon be out of it.
I hope so.
And into something worse.
Worse? What do you mean? Well, next up's the tearing about and smashing things up phase.
And then the copping off with greasy toe rags phase.
Not under my roof she won't.
And then finally sticking you in the ground and selling all your stuff phase.
I'd enjoy this bit if I were you.
What, she hosed you down? She hosed me down good.
It got everywhere, man.
In my hair, up my nose, in my mouth.
Did you spit or? I swallowed.
Eurgh! What? I didn't want to be rude, did I? Can't see here again though.
Not after the hosing.
I feel humiliated.
So the goat's back in business? Nah.
Actually, we've decided to knock the whole paternity thing on the head.
Grumio's taking Binny to the shelter.
The shelter? Yes! And I'm gonna get my job back.
I wouldn't rely on it, mate.
What's up with him? He's being replaced by a table.
Are you serious? The machines are taking over.
None of us are safe.
Oh, as if.
Flavia would never let you go.
You're part of the furniture.
I don't think so.
Not compared to actual furniture.
I mean look at that.
Upright, sturdy, mahogany.
It's everything I could never be.
Oh, goodbye.
Oh, thank you.
Goodbye, fans.
Thank you.
Do come back and visit.
Bless you.
Oh, hold on, you.
You, you can stay.
I'll find something else for you.
Shredder, darling! Where are the fans going? I'm letting them go.
I've decided to replace them with windows.
Oh, but the fans are great.
I'm a fan of the fans.
As am I.
But we mustn't stand in the way of progress, must we? Like you, they've become obsolete.
What do you mean, 'like me'? Burner has been a roaring success.
He's cheap, he's efficient, and he probably won't have babies.
No, no.
That was my last baby.
Promise.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
What is that rancid smell? It's breast milk.
I got milked on.
I've tried to wring it out, but I think there's still a fair bit in my hair.
Right.
I don't claim to know much about parenting, Shredder, but I suspect you're doing it wrong.
Now, what shall we do with you? Maybe we could use you as an accountant, or a paperweight? So, she likes singing, but she doesn't like tickling.
And she likes being rocked when she's burpy, and she loves it if you blow on her tummy.
Yeah, cool, got it.
Tickle the tummy.
Yeah, kids love that.
What? No.
Just a sec.
Oi, is that a mace? Why has that kid got a mace in here? We're a bit stretched at the mo.
Yeah, just bung her on any free surface.
I'll find her a bunk later.
Why has he still got that mace? That is a weapon of war! Sorry.
Can I just ask? Shoot.
Where do these kids, like, end up? Well, wherever they want, in theory.
Could be the senate, the arena.
I mean, most of them do end up down a mine or in a brothel, but, you know, we do what we can.
There you go, stick her in there.
Look.
Her name's Binny, by the way.
Yeah, you too, mate.
Take that out of your mouth now! Marcus? Hey, you two.
How's it going? So-so.
Just picked up the reviews.
Oh, yeah? Anything about your 'de-boo'? There's one vile hack who says that I'm perfect casting for a wooden horse because well, you can guess.
Mmm.
Cos you're horsey? Because I'm wooden.
Wooden, yes.
What do you mean I'm horsey? How about the others? Are they any better? This one just says "horse shit".
Oh.
Ah.
I'm outraged.
That is so unfair.
How would you know? You haven't seen it.
No, I know.
I'm sorry.
I've had a lot on.
And I've not been sleeping.
And there's a fire in my office.
If you don't want to see it, Marcus, you can just say.
No, I am desperate to come.
I adore challenging and long theatre.
Right, then you can have my ticket for tomorrow night.
Tomorrow? Cos I've already seen it.
Three times.
Honestly, don't - And as you're desperate Well, thank you, Metella.
Super.
We'll grab a drink afterwards and you can give me a nicer review.
OK.
Great.
It's so nice to finally have some silence around here.
Shh! Binny's asleep.
Why is she still here? Shh! Why is she still here?! You were meant to take her to the shelter.
I couldn't.
It were dirty.
So? This flat's dirty.
You're dirty.
And if she stayed there she'd end up as a prossie.
Or a miner.
Or maybe both.
Yeah, but what's the alternative? You're looking at it.
Oh, no.
Come on.
No way.
We're not seriously keeping her.
That's crazy.
Tell him.
I dunno, man.
She'll ruin our lives! This isn't about us, though.
It's about her.
Binny needs a home.
Just like I needed home when your parents took me in and grew me up and gave me tons of free food and that.
And maybe it will ruin our lives if we keep her, who knows? All I know is, if we abandon her now it'll definitely ruin hers.
Oh, pissing buggernuts.
What? Is that pissing buggernuts yes or pissing buggernuts no? It's pissing buggernuts fine.
If we really have to do this then fine.
Nice one.
Well, it's not exactly what I'd hoped being single in the city in my early 20s would be like, but there you go.
I guess this is us now.
This is our weird little family.
Forever.
Forever.
Shhh! Salve, Grumio.
All right, Davus.
Shit! We don't owe rent, do we? No, no, no, it's not that.
It something personal, actually.
It's a bit delicate.
OK.
Cool.
Go ahead.
You see me and my wife have been enjoying regular intercourse for years now.
Well, thanks for coming round.
Do come again soon.
There's more.
Is there? Oh, good.
Now although I can make most people do most things, I can't seem to get my missus up the duff, no matter how hard I do her.
Nothing would make us happier than starting a little family of our own, so You can take her.
She is yours.
What? He's not having my baby.
Fair dos, I respect that.
Wait a minute.
Let's think about this, Grumio.
We just decided to keep her.
You said this were our weird family.
I know.
But he wants a weird family.
Why can't he have a weird family instead? He's a bloody great thug.
I once saw him bite a man's nose off.
Really? Clean off? Yeah, it was a work thing.
It was a work thing! I'll be the kindest dad in the world.
We'd love her to bits, we would.
My wife's baked you some biscuits.
What flavour? I think they're walnut and raisin.
I like walnut.
And raisin.
She's crying again.
Would you still call her Binny? Of course.
It's a wicked name.
And when I look back on the last six years, I think I can say with pride that while I was here, thirst was not.
I want to wish the table all the best.
And I hope to remain in touch with you all.
And on my first day entering - What are you still doing here? I asked you not to come in today.
He's just making a farewell speech.
Is it finished? More or less.
Well then.
Goodbye, water boy.
Goodbye.
Burner, see to that.
Now, Copier, I've finished three reports for a departmental meeting this morning.
You're on fire.
I know.
The new windows have done wonders for my concentration.
No, you really are on fire! What? I'm on fire.
Ah! I'm fucking well on fire! Ah! Fire! Fire! Fire! I'm fucking on fire! Water man.
Thank you, water man.
So Aurelius is more useful than a table? Who knew? Yeah, the table's been burned and the fire's been fired.
You can come back in on Monday.
Sweet! Let's go out and celebrate.
I'm afraid Marcus is busy tonight.
Enjoy the play.
My hooves tremble as the Greek warriors clamber up inside me.
Ulysses.
Menelaus.
Ajax.
Marcus.
Marcus.
Marcus! Huh? Mmm.