Portlandia (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Come on.
- Hello? - Hey Carrie it's-- Today's the day, Fred, I get my new phone.
We're fifth in line.
Okay, panoramic, zoom, talk text-- I'm so excited, Fred.
What was Apollo program's second and last A-type mission? It's Apollo 9.
I think it's 9.
No, you guys, it's Apollo 6.
Okay good night, and good night to you.
Where can we get brunch around here? Uh-- Oh look there's a place called Fisherman's Porch.
It's right nearby.
No one's going to believe us.
I know, I'll take a picture with my phone.
Hi, little goats.
Sorry.
Did I getcha? Young lady? Carrie, where are you? I can't believe you're missing this.
I'm having the best time right now.
Hey, I guess you're never texting me back.
I don't know what happened to our friendship.
Bye.
Oh.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa Aah! You think you'd eat those cakes? I would never want something like that.
I feel like when she walks in, I should be like Hey there Hi how are you? Sorry for the wait.
I'm going well how are you? How are you? Spyke.
Good to meet you.
Hi, I'm Iris.
Good to meet you, Iris.
So you're planning your impending nuptials.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thanks-- It's not it's not a big deal.
Ooh, let's see if we can get you planned for your special day.
Well, I mean we've been together 9 years, and Great.
Yeah, screw it.
Let's just get married.
I mean, there's kinda nothing else to do at this point.
I don't even really believe in marriage that much Yeah, we don't really belie in it but Like, the institution of it is really suffocating.
It's sexist.
It's just based on a lot of horrible traditions-- Okay, great, so-- None of this will be happening.
No, not those flip flops.
Why do you have flip flops? Brides have sometimes uncomfortable shoes on.
Then why do they wear the other ones in the first place? You know, it's a fancy occasion.
Is it? Yes.
Okay.
Okay, I have a couple of themes that I like to work with.
I have, let's see, and adventure wedding.
Yeah, I've seen that.
You could do a Sci-Fi wedding.
Well we're not-- That sounds awful.
We're not-- we're not-- We don't have a TV.
If there's anything that you've done, then we won't do it.
Okay, I get it, this is like a cool wedding.
But also that doesn't come across as cool, We don't want anything that reads as wedding.
Okay.
We're not marionettes, getting up at the same time and dancing to and fro.
There's a 60% divorce rate, and I think that, that should be in the for-front of people's minds at this wedding.
Got it.
I still want it to be fun.
Do you know how many people you'll be inviting? No.
Nope.
Okay.
We want this thing to be sort of pre-planned but chaotic.
There should be a danger element.
It's risky to get married.
So will you have a dress? No.
I'd like to have a dress.
Yeah, maybe a dress Maybe at the wedding would you like a slide show, or some kind of a flip book that shows the story of how you met? I think for a flip book, maybe do factories.
Huh.
That's interesting.
You know what a wedding says is everything's fine.
Nothing's fine.
Mm.
Nothing's fine.
Show people dying.
Ooh okay.
We can look into that.
Show people dying.
Well, I think I've got everything I need.
Now, bear with me.
It's just the first pass on this, but I'm thinking, what about this? Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh.
That's everything that we were talking about.
That's it.
- Great.
- Yes, please.
Great Go ahead.
You can go.
You don't even have a stop.
Go ahead.
No, no, no, no, go ahead.
Go ahead.
No, you go.
No, no, no, no, no you first.
No you go.
I'm gonna go after you.
Hit the road, Jack.
No, you go.
No, you go No, you go I'm not going until you go.
No, you go.
I'm not gonna go until you go.
No, you go.
You go.
You go You go Oh, you go.
What? What a riot.
My driver would like you to go first please.
No, you go No, you go Yum, I've got a lot of sides in here.
You go.
Cross word? Just kidding there's no cross word.
Go ahead.
You go.
No way, go ahead.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
You go.
You sure? Okay.
Come on, you go.
You wanna? No? You go.
You wanna just You tow.
No, you tow.
No, you tow.
You tow.
No, you tow.
No, you tow.
No, you tow.
No, you tow.
No, you tow No, you tow And here you go.
Here you go, thanks.
All right.
How are ya? Good, thanks.
Oh, I forgot my bags for the groceries, so I'll take a paper bag.
You forgot your bag? Oh, yeah.
You don't have it? No, I don't have my bag with me-- We don't have any bags.
You don't have any-- any paper bags? Are you okay? I think this happened before.
Uh, you-- We have a Man.
We have a man who-- I guess he's forgotten his bag, if we could have someone to come down.
I usually-- Hi.
Hi.
What seems to be the problem? Well, I just I forgot my grocery bag.
- Well, I'll tell her.
- He forgot his bag.
I just forgot it.
You don't have a paper bag? No.
No, we don't.
I was over at my buddy's house, and I didn't have a chance to go to my house to get the bag first.
You know it doesn't matter what you're doing.
When I wake up in the morning, my eyes don't forget to open.
My heart doesn't forget to beat.
Yeah, I don't get in my car and forget the car and drive down the street, like, running down the street going like this and then park it and then put it in park and then lock the door.
These don't make sense.
Didn't you date a girl with a bag once? I can't call her.
Really? Hey, maybe I can put some of this back.
Hold on one sec.
Man without bags here on register two-- This is terrible.
I have bag.
I just forgot my bag.
Okay? And I'm sure I'm not the first person in the history of this store to forget a bag.
We have a mean-o no bring bags up here on aisle two.
Mean-o no no bring bags? You know, here, I'm just gonna carry it.
I like-- You're really good at ringing that up.
I don't have time for this, and I find this irresponsible.
I just can't get over this.
I just, it's-- I forgot it.
We-- and we're learning from it, too.
Yeah, it's a lesson for us all.
These are three for one.
Nope, just the one.
Okay.
If only he'd brought a bag.
So when she arrives, I guess we'll just kinda hang out with her for a couple hours before the reading.
Got the sign.
Everything's ready to go.
Poster.
I'm nervous.
I know.
I'm kinda nervous, too.
My palms are sweaty.
This one spot never gets sweaty though.
It's pretty dry.
It's my dry spot.
It's my little desert.
I know.
We should do this more often, more book signings - Hi.
- Hi.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Nelofar Jamshidi.
Nelofar Jamshidi.
We are so excited to have you, we are huge fans.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Yes, we're kind of writers ourselves.
Really? We can relate on this whole other level now.
How long have you been writing for? Through all my past lives.
For me a long time, seven months, eight months at least.
I just have a question from one writer to another.
Just is it okay if I ask you about the process? By all means You don't mind giving us advice? Of course not You know when you're at that place and you're writing and you know the character arc has gone up and down and the narrative arc has circled the planet and back and then you just need to print it? It's just always, like, how do you print the-- Yeah.
the first page? Print it.
When you press print it says, right, printing queue stopped.
All you need to do is go to "File," and "Print" and then print-- No, we've actually done that.
We've done that a number of times.
It's not working? We press print and it the sa-- it just keeps giving us the first page over and over again.
You've already told the computer how many you need, how many copies? Yes, we wrote in a letter to the computer.
Oh, ink? Laser? It's dot matrix I just feel like the book is stuck inside here.
How'd you do your book? Uh, File and Print, hit the print, hit the print, hit the print.
And you did-- you just put in, like, 1,000 copies? Actually I just needed one copy for my publisher.
That's what-- Yeah.
We need a publisher.
We've mailed it around, but, I mean, it's just that one page over and over again, and they thought that was the book.
Of course What did Hemmingway do? Oh, he killed himself.
I thought of the same thing.
It's not making any sound at all.
Yeah it should make a sound, like tick tick tick tick Yeah, nothing Yeah? I mean, there's not even a hum.
I wonder why.
I mean, it's on.
Why? You're gonna read from your book, aren't you? Of course I am.
It's about the part that my father dies.
They put a bomb in his office, but this time his poor secretary was killed.
I remember this vividly.
The reason is-- The printer's working, it's all there, the whole book.
Don't worry about us.
Keep reading.
Just finish your reading.
We're fine.
And then finally my poor father There's a typo, so we'll ask you how to fix that later.
Okay, everybody, thank you for coming to Spyke and Iris's rehearsal unification ceremony.
I think you all know each other.
Let's go ahead and get started, so you're going to emerge at the edge of the parachute.
You're going to come out of it.
You're going to move towards your Priestess and you're going to exchange your vows.
And if you guys at the edges, you wanna be messed up, that's totally all right.
Anyway, okay, so let's go ahead and run through a drill.
Just have fun you guys, just stay relaxed.
That's right, relaxed, have fun, and we walk, walking-- Hold on.
Hold on.
Just hold on a second.
I don't know about this.
It's a lot of colors.
It's a little festive.
Let's just do it again.
Okay-- No, we-- we've done it already.
This is a rehearsal-- No, we're doing it.
It died.
It's over.
We did do it, that's true, but we did it one time.
All right we, let's let's do it, and it'll suck.
So Spyke and I know, like, a lot of people get stressed out who's sitting next to who, so we don't want anybody sitting next to anybody.
Uh, Damon sit here.
All right, Dad, just go in that chair right over there.
You're watching from afar.
You're like the wise man.
Chad, switch with Mikey.
Okay.
If you give me the finger during this, I'm gonna laugh, and you know I am.
Then I'm kinda, like, I'm just over here looking at you guys, like So at this point they're going to be exchanging their vows, I believe that's-- you guys have something prepared, correct? What if we do it, like, kiss your hand, turn to them, and then Lisa, come here.
No, no, no, no-- And then-- hold on.
And then she turns around, and she goes back, and I stare her down like, "That will never happen again.
" Wait.
What will never happen again? And then your dad nods, like, "That's the man.
" Spyke.
What will never happen again? Ah, the-- when we were seeing each other.
Okay, these are all good ideas-- She can't come up here.
Why? Because you guys used to date.
Okay-- So what? That's not the thing-- Before this gets out of hand, I can kinda see where both parties are coming from.
You don't get anything.
Okay.
You know we'll do? You know we'll do also? We could just not do it all and not do a wedding.
Oh-- Spyke.
Spyke.
Spyke.
No.
No.
No.
Wait a minute Shannon, don't touch me.
You're a dirty hippy.
You do not get punk at all.
I know you're mad.
I know you're mad.
Come on.
Spyke, come on.
Stop.
Spyke This wedding is over! Spyke.
Oh, hey, wait.
Do you mind mailing this for me, please? Another one.
Yes.
You and your movies, huh? Yeah, I'm a total movie buff.
Are you? I am too.
What's your favorite movie? Ah, right now? I really like 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore.
You like Scorsese? Ah, Zellweger.
I like light movies, I like just romantic stuff.
Have you ever heard of The Cabinet of Dr.
Caligari? You can't see film without seeing that first.
Whoa, okay.
The cross cuts.
I'm like really into editing, editing is like my favorite.
I'm, like, an editing freak.
Really? Ah.
It's German, black and white, and silent.
Get it.
I had to see it when I was eight.
Really? Yeah.
I love film.
That seems so young.
It's all I ever liked.
Okay, well thanks for all the-- What's your set up? Oh, I've got, like, a big-screen TV.
Oh, yeah.
I've got little speakers and-- Do Blue Ray.
Blue Ray? Really? I-- Do Blue Ray.
Okay, I'll-- Oh, my gosh, thank you.
All right, Sandra Polsin.
Bye.
Okay It's the mail man.
Guess what? It came.
The Cabinet of Dr.
Caligari with Werner Krauss.
Okay? Okay.
We're gonna have a little discussion.
I'm gonna set up a little table right here.
We're gonna talk about it.
Movie buffs.
Movie buffs.
Okay, Mr.
Caligari.
I will see you, uh, later.
I'm not ready.
Fine.
But unfortunately I only have two roses left.
Ooh, I haven't seen this one.
Perfect.
We've had some really good times.
All right, Dr.
Caligari, let's do this.
Well? I'll be honest.
I did not watch it.
Well, why did you put it up to be sent back? What I'm doing is I'm sending it back so I can get going again, like, I was totally stalled out.
Watch it.
No, I can't.
This is like a rite of passage.
This is something you just have to-- you have to.
Listen, I just want to feel taken care of by a movie.
This does it.
It like a black cloak.
It keeps you warm in a top hat.
No.
And it takes care of you in its own way.
But I tried, I seriously tried.
This is the only way out.
This is not going back there.
This goes through your DVD player, and then it goes back.
Here we go.
Okay, wait who's that guy? Okay, the cross guy.
I get it.
I knew it.
What do you think? Look closer.
Don't look away.
I totally get it.
Hey, I did it.
You watched it? Yeah.
The whole thing? I'm free.
Finally, I'm free! Wait, what is this? Once you watch The Cabinet of Dr.
Caligari, you're cursed until someone else watches the film.
My life is over.
What am I going to do now? And you wanna get an early start? You wanna get 4:00 a.
m.
is kinda How are the benefits? Benefits are fantastic, actually.
Great.
It's really good benefits.
Happy to be wearing this.
It's kind of easier.
This is a little high, but there's shorts for summer, right? There's shorts for summer, yeah.
Okay.
All right, that's the last of your stuff.
You got the boom box? Yeah, you got the toaster.
Okay, I guess we split up the records.
Fine.
What are we gonna do about our friends, like, who gets to hang out with who? Ah, I guess we have to divide them up.
Okay, I'm going first.
All right.
Okay, off the bat, Virginia, my best friend, get down here.
My life is not complete without Damon.
Hey, my cutest friend Dave.
Ah, I'm in the mood to laugh a lot, Jedidiah.
Mom.
Ah, I'm actually gonna do Ken.
That's my dad, you can't.
I can, actually.
We get along.
I feel like we've spent a little time together.
Dad.
- What? - Hang out.
Fine, Um, your Aunt Mary.
I'm gonna go Rebecca because someone taught me how to listen to music the right way.
- Jessie.
- Gayle.
Mikey.
Jimmy.
Sunrise.
Amanda.
Margo.
Jason.
That's an easy one.
Sorry I made you so last.
I'm all in my head.
Going through a break up is one of the hardest things a guy can ever go through.
That's right.
You know, you think you're a man, and instead you're just a little helpless baby.
I'm sorry.
Break ups are hard.
They're really, really hard, man.
You're all alone, man, and I need you around.
I need you to be my dude.
You're a good guy, and I'm a good guy, and we have to know that right now.
Okay, um Bangs and I'm sorry.
What's your name? I'm Chad.
I'm big Chad.
Chad, how do we know you? From pub trivia Oh, trivia.
How fun was that? We were a really good team.
You're the smart one.
I just follow your lead.
Remember when you got that Apollo 6 answer? Yeah, that's just me being an idiot and just knowing stupid stuff.
But you're not.
The thing is you're not an idiot.
You know that stuff, and you know weird esoteric stuff and-- I can't even hear what you're saying because you look amazing.
I've missed you so much I can't wake up without you.
I can't go to sleep without you.
I'm really sorry, and I just get mad really easily.
I know.
I love that about you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right, we're gonna do it? Yeah.
Do you have the ring? Yes.
Here you go.
I do.
I now pronounce you, man and wife.
Yeah! This is the coolest wedding ever.
Whoo! What about food? Maybe sweet bowls.
Sweet bowls, okay.
I went to Thailand for, like, two years, and that's what they serve, is sweet bowls.
Okay, sweet bowls.
Thai sweet bowls, or are they just regular If you are in Thailand, they don't call them Thai sweet bowls Can we have other kinds of food, though? Yeah.
Like a spicy bowl or a crazy salad, chicken? A crazy salad?