Red Dwarf s02e03 Episode Script

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf, Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends, Additional; supplies are plentiful, We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Shake 'n ' Vac, Additional additional, Last week, we found a planet with a breathable atmosphere, (HEAVY ROCK MUSIC) We're grooving tonight, Ahead, groove factor five, Yeah! Hang on, everybody.
Hang on! (MUSIC STOPS) The sausages are done.
It's the business, It's nice to get out, stretch your cables, (SLURRING) I don't understand.
I've had so much to drink and it hasn't even afflicted me.
- Why are you dancing, then? - You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better! - We'd better go, The moons are setting, - OK, then, a toast.
Gentlemen, and skutters, we are gathered here today to celebrate the anniversary of Arnold Rimmer's death.
(BURPS) Right on, baby! And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.
- What's that? - It's shaped like a spanner.
- He was a technician.
- That's very apt, If he'd been a postman, it'd be an envelope, I suppose? Gordon Bennet! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist, To me! (ALL) # Happy deathday to you Happy deathday to you # Happy deathday, dear Rimmer # Happy deathday to you # (BANGING AND SCRAPING) # Show me the way to go home # I'm tired and I want to go to bed # (RIMMER) Are you all right to drive? (LISTER) Yeah.
# I had a little drink about an hour ago # To celebrate Rimmer's death # What time is it? - Saturday.
- Is that the best you can do? There are some numbers, but they could be anything.
Do you know what I fancy? A big fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.
No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chilli sauce and chutney.
Me, too.
No problem.
Nothing's too good for the deathday boy.
- Correct.
- Hol? Hol? - Hol, give us something to eat.
- You what? I'm jiggered, man, - Come on.
You don't sleep.
- 'Course I do, I've got to offline, I can't keep up my red-hot pace all the time, I've got to take a breather, - I want a triple fried egg sandwich - With chilli sauce and chutney.
- You what? - It's state of the art.
It's the state of the floor I'm worried about, All right, OK, Trust me.
I feel like I'm having a baby! - It's good, innit? - It's incredible.
- Where did you find the recipe? - I can't remember.
I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
It's well naughty.
Eat it before the bread dissolves.
I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister.
You see, all the ingredients are wrong.
The fried eggs, wrong.
The chutney, wrong.
The chilli sauce, all wrong.
But put them together and somehow it works.
It becomes right.
It's you.
This sandwich, Lister, is you.
- What are you saying, Rimmer? - You're wrong, right? All your ingredients are wrong.
You're slobby.
You've got no sense of discipline.
You're the only man to get his money back from the Odour Eater people.
But people like you.
Don't you see? That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich.
Now me, all the ingredients are right.
I'm disciplined.
I'm organised.
I'm dedicated to my career.
I've always got a pen.
Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot and that's only because we haven't got one.
- Why? Why is that? - It's because you are a total smeghead.
But I'm not.
I'm a goodie.
You've never got time for people.
You're too busy trying to be successful.
It's all midnight revision and "Up, up, up, lickety-split".
All the time I spent licking up to Todhunter, even though he's a total gimp? Captain Hollister? Mr Fat Bastard 2044.
I went out of my way to simp around him.
That's not having time for people.
Do you know how many times I made love? - No.
I don't want to know.
- I want to tell you.
- I don't want to know! - I'm going to tell you! You'll wake up in the morning with your hangover, feeling like death, you'll walk up to the mirror and remember and go"Arghh!" It's not worth it.
Believe me, you don't want to tell me.
- Once.
- Smeg! One time only.
You'll want to kill yourself in the morning.
Yvonne McGruder.
A single brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion.
March 16th.
7.
31 pm to 7.
43 pm.
- Please - Twelve minutes including the time it took to eat the pizza.
Please, Rimmer! In my entire life, I've spent more time being sick.
So? You haven't met the right girl yet.
No, I haven't, Lister, and some just might say - given the fact that the human race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have passed on - that I'm leaving it a bit on the late side.
Well, you made a decision.
You chose career over personal life.
Yes, I did.
Pearls of wisdom there from Mr Fried Egg Chilli Chutney Sandwich Face.
Well, I'll tell you something, Lister.
I'll tell you something.
I'd trade it all in - my pips, my long service medals, my swimming certificates, my telescope, my shoe-trees.
I'd trade everything in to be loved and to have been loved.
# I'm a little lamb # Lost in the wood # Maybe I could # Really be good # With someone to watch over me # That was going to be our song, but I never found anyone to share it with, so now it's just my song.
Another bit of sky.
That's a star.
(RIMMER WHINES) (HUMS REVEILLE) Ah, my foot! I must have slept on it.
You were putting it away last night.
You really fell for my joke.
(GROANS) God, it's agony! That McGruder gag.
Fancy falling for that! I'll give you my telescope, anything.
Please don't tell anyone.
Have you done that? When did you do that? I didn't! I've just woken up with this! - When did you finish the jigsaw? - I didn't.
Oi! Who's been messing with my star charts?! I'm trying to do the comprehensive - nay, definitive - A-Z of the Universe, with street names, post offices and everything, and some git's been fiddling with it, It's not us.
OK, which one of you chi mpanzees did this?! Look, there's a logical explanation for everything, with the possible exception of Jimmy Osmond, - Who? - Hang on.
Today's Sunday, right? - So? - Well, the clocks say Thursday.
My foot says get the person who did this.
Four pages are torn out of me diary.
- We've lost the last four days.
- Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something, it's always there.
- Aliens! - What? What are you talking about? It's a well-documented phenomenon.
They give you a mind probe, erase your memory and put you back.
- OK, aliens came aboard.
- Without question.
- They broke my leg.
- They broke MY leg.
- And then they did a jigsaw, - Right.
Well, that's cleared that up, then, Look, you're not thinking alien.
That's what aliens are - alien.
They do things that arealien.
Maybe this is how they communicate.
By breaking legs?! - And doing jigsaws? - Why should they speak the way we do? - They're aliens.
- OK, Professor, what does it mean? Maybe Maybe OK.
Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hell.
" They do it below the knee.
"Low.
" "Hell-low.
" Get it? They do it twice.
Twice.
Two.
"Hell-Low-Two.
" And jigsaw must mean you.
"Hello to you.
" I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech.
Hang on.
Holly, the black box will have recorded everything, won't it? Yeah, Hang on, I'll fish it out, It's gone! It's been half-inched, Wait a minute, Let me think about this, It gives off a signal, We can trace it, (CRUNCH) (LISTER) It's the gearbox, I 'm telling you.
- Nothing yet.
- It's impossible.
It could be anywhere.
It's like finding a fart in a jacuzzi.
Look! Down there on that moon.
(LISTER) Are you getting a picture? Yeah, but the quality's terrible.
It's like watching Spanish television.
(LISTER) Oh, my God! (CAT) What the hell is that? (LISTER) Smegorama! Er, Holly, start the engines.
Keep her ticking over, yeah? What is it? (LISTER) A footprint the size of a surfboard.
(CAT) I don't believe it! Can you imagine the problems this guy has getting fashionable shoes? (LISTER) If it's true what they say about feet, this guy could go to fancy dress parties as a petrol pump.
I think you should come back.
(LISTER) They lead round this corner.
So, a huge monster drained our memories and broke a couple of legs.
Forgive and forget, I say.
(LISTER) This I don't believe! It's a gravestone.
"To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates.
" - Who's Lise Yates? - You're not going to believe this, but I went out with Lise Yates.
It's only shallow.
The black box is buried in the grave.
(BLEEPS) - Right, it's loaded, - (AS BOGART) Well, play it, Sam.
Nice-looking bloke, I don't know if anyone will ever find this, but if they do and it's you, Dave, or you, Arnold, don 't ever play it, Some things are best left buried, - Why have you frozen hi m? - You heard him, - Knows his stuff, that dude, - Come on, Holly.
From Saturday night.
(RIMMER) Do you know how many times I've made love? Yes, we remember this bit.
Spin on! (MOUTHS SILENTLY) That many?! (LISTER) Another bit of sky.
A star (RIMMER WHINING) This better be good.
I was sleeping, and sleeping's my third favourite thing.
Waking me at this time! - What is this place? - It's the hologram simulation suite.
- This room creates Rimmer.
- Are we gonna blow it up? Look, those are his dreams.
That's what he's dreaming right now.
# Maybe I could # Really be good # With someone to watch over me # I'm giving Rimmer the best present he'll ever get.
- (CAT) What are you doing? - Recording me memory.
- Your entire memory? - Yeah.
Everywhere I've been, everything I've learned.
Right, that's it.
I'm giving Rimmer a love affair.
I'll paste eight months of my memory into his.
Whatever happened to me, he'll think happened to him.
- You're giving him an old girlfriend? - I'm going to give him Lise Yates.
(CAT PURRS) (LAUGHS) God, Dave.
I love you so much.
(LISTER) And I love you, Lise.
A few minor adjustments.
- God, Rimmer, I love you so much.
- (LISTER) And I love you, Lise.
Change the voice.
God, Rimmer, I love you so much.
(RIMMER) And I love you, Lise.
- That's it.
- He'll think all this happened to him? Yeah, the whole eight months.
Man, that's a fine present.
He was probably only expecting a tie.
(ROCK AND ROLL) You're in a good mood.
Why not, Listie, when life's so good? Why is life so good? You wouldn't understand.
You've never been in love.
- I have! - Oh, not real love.
Not like I have.
Not fireworks in the sky, rolling naked on the beach kind of love.
- Not like me and Lise.
- So, who's Lise? Someone who was absolutely nuts about me, that's all you need to know.
Fine.
You keep it to yourself.
All I'm saying is, from now on call me Tiger.
Grrr! An old girlfriend, was sheTiger? Ah! What a crazy, crazy, year that was.
The first three months, I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course.
Then, for absolutely no reason, I suddenly moved to Liverpool.
I drank too much.
I smoked too much.
I became a total slob.
I met Lise.
I even started eating my own toenail clippings.
My tastes in music radically changed.
I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank.
- Crazy.
- You were in love.
You go a bit crazy.
It was weird.
I was nuts about her, - but started treating her really badly.
- No, you didn't! I did! I gave her some twaddle about not getting tied down.
But you were young.
You wanted to bum around.
- I hate bumming around! - You're like that when you're young.
I wasn't, so why did I say those things? She wanted you to have a career.
That's what I wanted, so why did I finish with her? Becauseyou wanted to play the field.
Right.
I said I wanted to play the field.
I must have been mad.
She was great, and thought I was great.
Yeah, man, you're right.
You were mad.
- She was a lover and a friend.
- And beautiful.
- Gorgeous.
- Great sense of humour.
- Terrific.
- The sex was fantastic.
- Amazing sex.
- Brilliant sex.
- Oh, primo, dynamite sex! - Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex! - Lister - Brilliant sex! - Lister, how do you know? - I'm just having a guess.
No one will ever know how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates was.
How could you do this? It's the most tragic thing I've ever witnessed.
Popcorn? I'm sorry, man.
I thought I was doing you a favour.
What's this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs and Godzilla-size footprints, eh? Right, smegbrain, prepare to die! I found the letters.
- What letters? - THE letters.
- What letters? - The letters Lise Yates sent you.
Oh, smeg! While she was seeing me, she was seeing you behind my back.
And to pour salt into the wound, you took her to the exact same places.
- Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.
- That woman is unbelievable.
We stayed in a hotel and made love six times.
You were in the same hotel and made love six times, too! - Listen - Twelve times a night? She's sex mad! - Listen! - It's a good job you were there.
I'd have been dead within a week.
But it doesn't make sense.
She loved me.
- She wasn't seeing us at the same time.
- I've checked the dates.
- She wasn't going out with you at all.
- She - What? - You've never even met her.
That's below feeble! I gave you eight months of my memory.
- What? - It was a present.
You gave me eight months of your memory as a present? Yeah.
That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive.
That's why I had my appendix out twice.
I thought you needed it.
You've destroyed me, Lister.
The woman I loved most in the whole world didn't love me, she loved you.
Rimmer, listen Rimmer, listen Rimmer! Oh, smeg! You should have bought him a tie.
Come on, Rimmer.
You've experienced love.
It made you more confident, more secure.
- It didn't happen.
- It did happen.
You fell in love in a way I never did.
Nothing can take that away.
That time she stuck her tongue down my ear.
It was your ear.
The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear.
The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a baby bud.
Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a wonderful love affair, yeah? And for some reason, it all went hideously wrong.
Well, join the club.
It's you, me and everyone else in the world.
- I don't want to feel like this.
- So, you're in pain.
But, Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling, never experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish, no better than a bank manager.
I don't want this feeling.
I want my own memory back.
OK.
OK.
I'll erase the last four days.
Lise Yates will never have happened.
- But you'll know about it.
- Well, I'll erase my memory, too.
- And the Cat's and Holly's.
- Fine, if they agree.
- And the black box? - I'll destroy it.
- It's indestructible.
- I'll shoot it into space.
- Someone might find it.
- OK.
We'll bury it on some planet.
(LISTER) I'm going to drop it! Put it down! (THUD) (CAT) Why does he want a gravestone? (LISTER) He said he wanted something, so it didn't, like, disappear.
(GRUNTING) (LISTER AND CAT SCREAM) (LISTER) My foot! It's broken! (CAT) Help me find my toes! OK, that's it.
Let's go and erase our memories.
# It's cold outside # There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #