Reggie Perrin (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

Take your job and shove it up your arse.
Good afternoon.
Hello.
I'm David.
I've just moved in next door.
Your father and I are getting married.
Sacked from a teaching job? What did you do? Pulled a boy's trousers down.
I humbly, and with all the dignity of a tiny worm, ask you for my job back.
I can't cos I've just been fired.
We're prepared to take a risk and offer you the role held until today by Chris Jackson.
Huh! Head of bullying and nonsensical pronouncements.
No.
Managing Director of Groomtech.
What? So d'you want to be a Managing Director? I don't know.
Big question is will it make you happy? I don't know.
And when can we start spending your enormous salary? Why are you? Hair.
Adding? Removing? Removing.
It's an interesting look.
It's nice.
Athlete's foot.
Oh! I've not been quite the same since I lost my job, have I? No, you haven't.
Head of a company, though.
It's quite exciting, isn't it? What's the worst that can happen? You freak out, go to the beach and kill yourself? Ready when you are, sir.
Thank you.
You will remain humble, won't you, Reggie? Yes.
Thank you.
What are you going to do today? Look for a job, make myself useful Sorry! Thought I might go to the library this afternoon.
See if they've got anything interesting in, like a book.
What was the last boss like to drive for? What, Chris Jackson? Hmm.
What can I say? Bastard? Bastard.
So what makes a good boss, then? Don't lose touch with reality.
No, that's bad.
Could we stop at the next bus stop, please? Does anyone want a lift? So what do you all do, then? Office manager.
- Work in a shoe shop.
- Cashier.
Chauffeur.
Shall we have a car sweet? Oh, yes, that would be lovely.
What have we got, then? Think they're barley sugars.
Ooh! Ah! Ah! There! Oh, just buy another chair.
No, mend it.
No, just buy another chair.
No, mend Oh, shut your face, you boring bag.
Oh, great! What? 27 minutes late, dropping people off at various destinations, keeping in touch with reality.
You don't need to make excuses now.
You're in charge.
That's why I'm power dressing.
Is it power underwear? No, it's power earrings.
Oh, yes, of course, yes.
Oh, isn't this great! I'm so important now, they even call me "madam" in the car park.
Instead of? Sulky bitch.
Or hooters.
Oh, umI assume you'll want Chris's old office, so I've put in a welcoming cactus in there.
No, I'll be using my old office, thank you, very much keeping it real.
But you hated the real.
Yes, I'm very complicated.
Good morning, Mr Perrin.
Morning.
May I say how delighted we are to hear of your recent elevation .
.
to a richly deserved position .
.
of supreme importance.
Bless you, sir.
Please, it's still me.
I will still adjust my genitals in meetings and steal pencils.
Oh, phew! Give us an "R"! Give us a sodding "E"! Not appropriate.
Don't do that again.
Absolutely.
Huge misjudgement.
I urge you to discipline me.
No.
Listen, if you could change one single thing about your working lives, what would it be? Oh, ummake my work station nicer.
Oh, well, good! Vicky, do that.
Bring in a knitted computer jacket and some pictures of your boyfriendClive.
Cliff.
Cliff.
And your dog, Bobble.
Bibble.
Bibble.
Oh, no, it is Bobble.
It is Bobble, isn't it? Snoozy and Silly, any thoughts? Ooh, um, shall we have a brainstorm? Yes, yes, let's workshop that till it farts.
Shall we agree never to use that phrase again? Okey-dokey diddly dandy! Or that one? Good.
OK, and we're through.
Hello, Jasmine.
It's Reggie Perrin.
Can you swing by at all? Oh, that's great.
When's good for you? 2.
30? Excellent.
I'll see you at 11, then.
Bye.
2.
30's fine, sorry.
"Love your wicker and it will love you back.
" Oh, piss off! Oh, great(!) Us in 30 years' time.
Thank you, God.
Hello, Nicola! You look tired.
I toyed with fresh and energetic, but where's the fun in that, eh? Hello, tadpole.
I've brought lots of details of our wedding plans.
Oh, my favourite sentence in the whole world! Fairtrade confetti will then be thrown when I give the command, "Confetti now".
Right.
The ushers, dressed in livery Oh, livery! Lovely! .
.
will usher us to the car, where the page boys, who I'll have to borrow from the neighbours because you couldn't be bothered to have children .
.
will stand in readiness.
All the precision of the D-day landings.
With none of the massive loss of lifehopefully.
Time for a stoop of noggin? I'mI'm actually behind with my wickering.
No, you're not.
The wedding list is at Oxfam for my friends and the Imperial War Museum gift shop for his.
Don't muddle them up.
I don't want a bloody goat.
You don't get the goat.
It goes to someone in Africa.
Good What? Hello, Jasmine.
Welcome back, Reggie.
Are you Are you OK? Do you ever get sudden, weird fantasies? No.
Nor do I.
Have a seat.
How's the balms and lubricants department? Well, we're very excited about the new fig and melon range.
That's hugely exciting, isn't it? Is it a fig and melon melange or will they be kept separate? Do you care? No, I'm gabbling because we nearly slept together and I'm painfully aware of that and everything's beating just a little bit faster.
It's a melange.
A melange! How French.
So, you made it all the way to top banana.
Yes, top banana, big cheese, supreme cucumber.
What are you going to do with all this power? Erabuse it probably.
I don't know.
Are you sure you're stable enough to run a big company? Probably not.
Did you hear that? What? Good.
Welcome aboard, Perrin.
Thank you, Chairman.
In fact, I did hear that.
Oh.
I need you in perfect mental health, Perrin.
I'd like you to have regular psychotherapy.
I've had some.
It hasn't worked.
Get some more.
I believe we have an in-house wellness centre you could use.
Are they good? Um Good.
I've booked you in for three o'clock.
Jasmine.
Chairman.
Reggie.
Jasmine.
I thought we could start this therapy session with a bit of sobbing.
Sobbing? Yes, it's very therapeutic.
What sort of therapy's that, then? It's called sobbing therapy.
I found it online in-between shopping therapy and sperm therapy.
What's that? You don't want to know.
Will you sob with me? No, I have to hand you tissues, a bit like sperm therapy.
I can't.
Come on, you can do it.
Give Sue a nice big sob.
Think of something sad, like the end of a nice programme or a disappointing omelette.
Are you faking it? Of course I am.
Oh, Mr Perrin! I'm sorry, Sue, but I can't cry.
I just don't feel very upset.
Oh, that's a shame.
Couldn't we just talk? Well, I don't think talking ever got anyone very far.
Do you? What about a bit of sperm therapy, then? Spicy meatball? Beg your pardon? Spicy meatball? Oh, no, thank you.
Vicky, can you call maintenance and have them unseal my window and let some real air in? No, you're not allowed.
Yes, I am.
I'm the boss - I can do anything.
Oh, yeah.
And hire an old-fashioned tea lady.
Night, Vicky.
Night.
Oh, Vicky, first thing tomorrow, send out a memo banning ties.
Thai people? Neckties.
Oh! OK.
It's a balance, though, isn't it? There's nothing worse than enforced jollity, as we know from spending 45 minutes in a conga at my mum's 70th.
Yeah.
There must be some untapped creative energy in that building.
Can you get me a job? I could be in charge of oh, I don't knowTippex? I'm having trouble with my wicker.
Oh! I rang the wicker helpline.
They kept me on hold for half an hour playing bagpipe music then cut me off.
Should I organise a big outing? Oh, God! Yes! Let's, I don't know, go up in a balloon.
No, at work, where I could take all the staff, somewhere inspiring.
Maybe a balloon is a good idea.
Can you get 280 people in a balloon? Can you at least go round to David's tomorrow, apologise for last week.
Yeah.
Invite him round for a meal or something, anything.
It might be fun.
Don't throw that tie away.
I gave you that when you were sad at work.
Oh.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow Hello, David.
Ah! Hello.
Sorry we got off to a disappointing start the other day.
Hey, listen.
We've all been to a pub with a new neighbour and fallen asleep face down on the table.
Hmm, umdo you fancy coming to dinner the day after tomorrow? Nicola's a mean cook.
Tiny portions? Spiteful to guests? Yeah, that sort of thing.
Yeah, OK.
D'you want to bring anyone? Probably not.
We could fix you up.
Mrs Quigley over there at number 43, she knows her own mind.
Does a good vigilante torch-lit procession.
I'm a bit wary of women after the divorce.
Lance Purchett next door.
Postman by day, spangle-wearing astronomer by night.
Mmm No, thanks.
Ah, OK.
See you later.
See you then.
Car sweet? Ooh, thank you.
You're welcome.
D'you want a car sweet? Oh, thanks.
Morning, Vicky.
Lovely dog.
Or is it a bear? It's a dog.
Yes, it is a dog, isn't it? Maintenance have unsealed your window.
Great, thanks.
That'll be why they sealed that up, then.
Cup of Rosie Lee, sweetheart? Oh, yes, please.
Turned out nice, all things considered, after a parky old start.
Are you a real tea lady, or are you just creating atmosphere? Oh, I'm real.
I'm just being jolly.
Morning, Reggie.
Morning.
We have decided on the single most important thing to improve our working lives.
Two working brains? A bouncy castle.
In our office.
So we can literally bounce the ideas around.
Good.
You order that, then.
Really? Yeah.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Morning! You wanted to see me? Yes.
Have a seat.
Sue, I want to increase the budget of your wellness centre.
Oh! Why? Because, Sue, you symbolise all that's best about this company.
You're blissfully unaware of what's going on and optimistic in the face of all evidence.
Oh! Well, as I always say, it doesn't cost anything to be cheerful.
Except money for clothes and jewellery to cheer yourself up.
And any drugs you may need.
And what'll you spend the extra money on? My didgeridoo's looking a bit sad.
Well, we've all been there.
Well, do.
Buy a new one.
Why don't you bring out some new leaflets? We love all that helpful information.
Oh, good! Well, I say "love".
I say "helpful".
I say "information".
Do you know the secret of wellness, Sue? Not having an illness.
Feet.
Feet, as in? The flappy things at the tip of your legs.
Yes, feet.
Warm, refreshed feet.
The warmth spreads to the heart.
Buy enough slippers for everyone and leave them in reception, please.
You wanted to see me? Hello, Jasmine, yes, have a seat.
Jasmine, there's an awkwardness between us because we almost had an affair.
Yes.
Yes, and I'm banishing awkwardness from my life because it's awkward.
How are you going to do that? By talking in this highly unconvincing upbeat way and occasionally popping out a strained laugh.
Ha-ha-ha.
Jasmine, you are beauty in humanoid form but my marriage is like an aircraft's black box.
It's mysterious, but completely indestructible.
Do you have a boyfriend at the moment? No, still looking.
How about a hug, just to wish you well in your quest? Better not.
Well done.
That was a trick question.
So, um Bye, Reggie.
.
.
all the best.
Pullpull that through.
Then, if you put that, but if you get that in there Is it done? Touch that chair, I will kill you! Oh, can we go out tonight to the pub? Oh, no.
I took everyone at work to the pub at lunch today.
280 pie and chips.
Very bonding.
Took a while to get served.
Look, it's great that you're fulfilled at work, Reggie, but I'm feeling a bit cut off and useless like you used to and I'd love to think that you're relaxed enough to fall asleep while I'm pouring my heart out to you.
Ooh! There you go.
Vicky, can you bring in the new flexitime proposals and "How not to go mad at work" initiative, please? We've still got our shoes on! We don't care! Hello, Reggie.
Oh, hello.
Up in the Smoke.
Thought I'd fall in and see where you work.
Oh, well, quite busy running the company.
Exciting times, Reggie.
Grown men on bouncy castles in offices.
Yes, that might be an indulgence too many.
Have a seat.
Terrible thing's happened, involving your mum.
You know we are splicing the gravy? Jumping into the fiery furnace? Getting married.
Yes.
Huge mistake.
Cock-up on the emotional stability front.
Ah.
Lured by the attraction of cooked food and hot-and-cold running sex with your mum .
.
blinded me to the facts.
We're as compatible as a Mexican in a Guildford tea room.
Oh, you've finally realised, have you? You didn't see me madly waving my arms at you.
Yes, yes, I wondered what that was.
Anyway, feel like I'm on death row.
Probably not ideal, is it? No, not really, no.
Vicky, this is my father-in-law, William.
He's trying to get out of marrying my mother.
Oh, awkward.
Yes, awkward.
And physically dangerous.
So what do you want me to do? I can't tell Nicola I've made a balls-up.
You know daughters.
Think Daddy's infallible.
Well, I think in your case she might have an inkling.
So you'll have to tell your mother I've had a rethink about marrying her.
Sorry! Bad bounce.
Oh, God! Hello.
Um, I'm afraid Reggie's not back yet.
He's got his hands full at work.
Yeah, I've seen him leaving for work.
Looks like he's heading for Vegas.
Yes, he's trying to generate an atmosphere of relaxed creativity in the workplace.
Like Santa's workshop, really.
Hey, thanks for this.
Mmm! Ah, yes.
It's a rather interesting wine from the "Knock It Back" vineyard in France's "Don't Offer One To Your Guest" region.
Sorry! It's not been a great week.
OK, I'm sorry.
That's OK.
I just need to sort of get my head round Don't touch that chair! Um, I tell you what, listen.
Why don't I maybe come back next October? No, it's OK.
It's fine.
I've made a meal.
Hmm, lovely! I can smell it.
It's, er It's quite a burny smell, isn't it? What? No! It's fine! Oh, hi, Mum.
Eryou're not there.
Um I had a visit from your fiance this afternoon.
He said How can I put this? .
.
he's really excited about marrying you.
Bye! I suppose I shouldn't complain, really.
You know.
Nice house, multi-layered husband, presumed dead.
All my own teeth.
Well, you're entitled to a bit of attention.
God, even Henry VIII took his wives out for a swan burger and the odd goblet of mead.
To be fair, Reggie did offer to renew our wedding vows.
That's good! In his lunch hour.
Yeah, well, that's bad.
Still, you're now a top-level furniture restorer.
That's actually very sturdy.
It is! OK, I admit it, I did it while I was watching TV.
I might have been a bit distracted.
I actually watch daytime TV with the sound off so I have to guess what they're saying.
Right.
Yeah! And I've started watching it with the sound on but the picture off so I have to guess what they're doing.
God, you really do need a job, don't you? Yeah, I do.
That's the problem with things like daytime TV.
It's like daytime sex.
You know, you just feel like you should have earned it.
Or at least waited till your husband got home.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm just a tiny bit bitter about my ex-wife.
Good old Penny.
That's not her name, it's just BOTH: .
.
how much I had left after the divorce! Exactly! Oh, sorry I'm late.
I lost track of time working on my new flexible working schedule, code name "Flexi Bollocks".
Has Thingy gone home yet? Evening.
Evening! Excellent! Hello, love.
Hey! You all right? Thought you were going to cook.
What? Maybe a rethink on the "keeping it real".
And she was, like, just staring at me.
Vicky, have you seen the? And she said, "Only an idiot would wear black with blue.
" I said, "You must be an idiot.
" What's your boyfriend doing here? You said I could bring things in from home.
Well, it's a funny old morning, and no mistake.
Nice cup of Kiki Dee, darling? Ah, no, I'm fine, thank you.
Reggie! Major crisis! What? Nice biccie.
No, really.
Puncture! Don't panic! Mr Perrin's phone.
We're losing her.
She's going down.
The chairman wants to see you.
Nice cup of Kiki and a tricky-dicky biccie! Shut up! The board and I are concerned that your approach to running the company is overly relaxed.
What initiatives have you set in train? Initiatives? Um Took everyone to the pub last week.
280 employees? Yup.
And yesterday we all skipped lunch and went to see The Sound of Music.
Why? I think in the end it's the tunes, isn't it? Why did you take the workforce to see a film in the middle of the day? Because like the von Trapps, we are very much a family escaping to a metaphorical Switzerland.
And all of us, even you, sir, are essentially 16 going on 17.
Is your new product range equally creative? Oh, yes.
What are you planning to launch? Now you're really taking the piss.
Yes, I know who did the murder.
How can you? You're just an elderly detective who writes novels.
Oh! You'd be surprised.
Oh! Mr Perrin's phone.
Hi, Vicky.
Can you try Reggie again for me, please? I'm sorry, Mrs Perrin, I can't put you through.
He's in a top-level strategy meeting.
Hello, you.
Oh! What's that? Drive? No, lunch.
Oh, look, um I'm very busy.
OK.
Sorry.
Thanks! Wait! Wait! Oh, damn.
David! Right, good morning, everyone! Morning! Morning.
So, the big picture.
Groomtech started in the 1970s selling grooming products.
Notably its famous hair jelly and moustache glitter.
In the '80s and '90s they branched out into razors, lotions, make-up and the ill-fated Foot-u-Matic corn remover.
In the last decade, we have developed such calamities as onion moisturiser and the ten-blade disposable razor.
Which any fool could have seen was anything from five to nine blades too many so, not surprisingly, the company is nearly bankrupt.
Now, what do all these products have in common? They're useless and they're pointless.
Without them women would look natural and lovely and men would look bearded and lovely and we'd all smell like human beings instead of poor imitations of fruit and plants.
So are we going to run for cover and make something useful? Not on your nelly! In the new decade, we are developing a range that takes uselessness and pointlessness to new levels.
Grot products will include the Crap for Men and the Crap for Women range of fragrances, dab-on perfumes available in such fragrances as Shed, Shoe Shop and Cake.
And now the big news.
We are bursting out into new ranges.
The Grot diet products include a Tea's-not-made, undrinkable wine and a biscuit tin that gives you an electric shock.
I'm not stopping there.
We are going to be selling box sets of DVDs that disintegrate on contact with the air so we can all get on with our lives.
And edible furniture.
When you're bored with your furniture - and who isn't? - eat it.
And so on.
All massively over-priced.
Any questions?