Retired at 35 (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Yes, I win again! [Panting.]
You are deceptively fast for a big fella.
Most of this is water weight.
That was so much fun.
There were some lovely sights-- mainly your backside.
Ooh.
They're like a couple of teenagers who eat dinner at 4:00.
Um, did anyone notice I was, like, three blocks behind you? I mean, we weren't in a race.
Why is it when people come in last, they claim it's not a race? Well, Mom and Dad, it has been a pleasure beating you both.
He knows we're old, right? As I was saying, I have the final interview for that job I'm up for.
That is music to my ears.
Truth be told, we've been very concerned.
I think about it on the can.
He's three issues behind on Car and Driver.
Um, next time you see me, I will be all mixed up in backstabbing and corporate politics and Copy-machine antics.
I am so proud of you, honey.
Go get 'em! Hey, Brandon, can you drop me off at home? My chariot awaits.
- Bye, guys.
Both: Bye, honey.
Hey, when we get in my truck, watch the hole in the floor.
Last time I gave somebody a ride, she lost a shoe.
So Are we done exercising, or should we continue our workout in the bedroom? I don't know.
Have you taken your heart medication? I don't know.
I'm worried about your hips.
Have you taken your calcium pills? Stop talking.
I'm losing the mood.
[Sighs.]
So what are we going to do now? Now? Ooh, I know.
There's a great French film playing at the "Smart People" theater.
As much as I love to read my films, I have a poker game.
Aw, really? That's too bad.
I thought we'd spend the afternoon together.
Believe me, there's nothing I'd like more.
- Yeah? - Sure.
Okay, then I'm in.
In what? Your poker game.
Is that not what you meant? Uh, of course.
How could I mean anything else? It's going to be so much fun.
[Gasps.]
I even have a brooch in the shape of a spade.
So, most disturbing-- my mom and dad making out or my dad's running pants? I'd say your dad's running pants, after making out with your mom.
[Laughing.]
Well, as disturbing as it is, I think they're both kind of sweet.
Yeah, it's kind of cool.
It's like they rediscovered that energy of when you're so, like, into somebody that you can't even really finish your Thought? I was going to say "Burrito.
" [Knocking at door.]
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hello.
I left my sunglasses here last night-- have you seen them? Oh, yeah, they're on the table.
Um, so this is my boyfriend, Jared.
Ames, you look great after your speed walk-- all pink and glow-y.
How hot are you? [Growls.]
And who is this fine fellow? I'm Brandon.
I'm best friends with Amy's brother.
I've heard a lot about you.
I have heard almost nothing about you, but I am getting a very interesting picture of a guy who is a Farmer? Pool maintenance professional.
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
Hey, listen, I know a guy in farming if you want to take a run at that.
I keep forgetting--Amy, you should call your landlord about the water.
It smells funky.
Sounds like your classic case of high chlorine levels.
I can test that for you.
Oh, right, you clean pools, so you know a lot about chlorine.
Yes, I do.
I also shoot rats.
You are a true Renaissance man.
Bye, sexy.
Bye, sugar buns.
- Hey, Alan.
- Okay, let's play some poker.
There's something I have to tell you.
Um, it turns out I sort of invited someone into the game.
- I made my special poker-tinis.
Okay, you have fun with your wife.
We'll play at my place.
Hey, hey, guys, guys, guys, wait.
It's just one night.
You'd be doing me a huge favor.
But how can we be ourselves with a woman in the game? We like to scratch.
It's one night.
Scratch now.
I don't itch now.
Since Elaine moved back in, we've been getting along great, and I don't want to ruin that.
You know what, guys? Let's do this for Alan.
So, guys, what do you think about the bears? Bears are my favorite.
I love the pandas.
They look like burglars.
I'm kidding.
If the bears get a real quarterback, they can make the playoffs.
Now, which one of you jerk-offs has a light? Oh, hey, man.
What are you doing here? How did your big job interview go? Other than the fact that I didn't get it, great.
I thought it was yours to lose? Yeah, I lost it.
Are your parents bummed? Uh, no, they're taking it really well In my head Because I haven't told them.
What? Why? Look, now that I know the way they really feel about me being unemployed, there is no way that I'm going to tell them I didn't get the job.
Well, they're going to figure it out at some point.
No, they're not, because I'm going to put on this suit and come here every day going through the want ads until I find an actual job to go to every day.
[Laughing.]
Oh, man, your life sucks.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- I'm sorry.
It's just-- well, that was my honest reaction.
Yeah, okay.
Don't sweat it, man.
I got this for you.
What--what the hell was that? You're drowning.
I'm throwing you a life preserver.
Come work with me, bro.
Really? Yeah, it'll be fun.
Really? I'll clean pools with you? Sure.
And on slow days, we'll go by the junior high and buy weed from the eighth-graders.
And so the rule of thumb is your eyebrows should be at least a thumb width apart-- never touching.
What that says is, "I have two eyebrows-- not one, two.
" This is valuable lady insight.
Elaine, what do I have to do to get my wife in the mood? All you need is some hot soapy water and some rubber gloves, Oh, I like where this is going.
And then you do the dishes.
[Laughing.]
Of course! How simple.
Can we please deal? Alan's right.
We should deal.
One more thing while we have you here, Elaine-- let's say I do the dishes.
Any tips you can give me on lovemaking techniques that you could help me with? It's real simple.
Don't abandon the kiss.
All: Ah.
I need more nuts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you should take that dish and wash it Right, Elaine? Richard Can you help me with my nuts? What's wrong? Am I not being nice enough? Because it's really genuine.
I'm having a great time with her.
I know.
I'm going to compliment her on her brooch.
No, stop.
She's having way too good a time.
I thought that's what you wanted? I did, but I was sure you guys would screw it up.
But I thought you wanted to be closer to Elaine.
Listen, I love my wife, and I enjoy her company, but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with her.
Do you understand that? Understand it? Why do you think I play poker five nights a week? Don't worry, A.
R.
I am pulling the emergency brake on this fun train.
Hey, the lovebirds are back.
Hope you made the bed.
Alan, your wife is great.
I say we make her a permanent member of this game.
Huh? That's a good idea.
[Whispering.]
Richard.
Elaine That is one beautiful brooch.
All right, so you've been at it a week.
You warming up to the job? Okay, I'll be honest.
Can I be--can I be real? Today cleaning the pool at the junior college--fun! All those junior-college girls-- hot and not too bright.
Perks of the trade, my friend.
Now time to tackle Amy's filtration unit.
Just have to turn off the water real quick.
[High-pitched scream.]
Oh, Amy's here.
Sorry, Amy.
You turned off the hot water and, uh, not Amy.
You scream like an Amy.
Dude, I'm secure in my scream.
- Are you living here now? - Almost.
Fingers crossed.
Now, can you turn the hot water back on, please? Sorry, man.
You got it.
[Laughing.]
All right, look, man, I got to get going.
Whoa! You going to join Jared in the shower? No, man.
I'm just-- I'm just changing into my suit.
What, you got a hot date or something? No, no, no.
Just going home to my parents.
Hey, sweetie, I'm home.
Oh.
Come on, guys, what happens here when I'm not at home? Nothing.
I just--I got to look like I just came from work.
You did just come from work.
Can't go home looking like I'm a pool guy.
My parents think I'm important.
- Oh, oh, yeah.
Makes sense.
- Yeah.
All right, man, look, I got to get out of here, but, uh, I'll see you tomorrow, all right? - Bye, Ames.
- Bye.
Did you know he changes his clothes to go home? Wha--yeah, he told my mom and dad he got some great job.
He has to keep pretending.
Right, 'cause my job sucks.
No--wait.
Are you upset? Me, upset? [Chuckles.]
Are you kidding? No.
Hang on a sec.
I just need to turn on the hot water as I turn off the cold.
Why? Because it'll make me feel better.
[High-pitched scream.]
Hey, Mom.
- How was work? - Uh, fine.
Come on, give me the gossip.
Uh, okay, um, well You know that guy Jackson? I ripped him a new one in this meeting.
Yeah, guy had a complete meltdown.
Typical Jackson.
What a wussy.
I know, right? Hi.
Um, David, can I talk to you for a minute? - About what? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you having a little work meeting? Do I smell chlorine? You know, let's talk in the living room.
David, you have to talk to Brandon.
He's really upset.
He thinks you're embarrassed to be working for him.
What? That's ridiculous.
Why would he think that? I don't know.
Let me think.
Maybe because he gave you a job and then you change into a suit after work like you're ashamed to be working for him.
Well, Amy, to be honest, I am kind of ashamed.
I went through four years of college, three years of business school.
I just don't see myself as a guy who cleans pools.
But you are a guy who cleans pools.
Oh, wait.
No, I'm sorry.
You're a guy who works for a guy who cleans pools.
It's a fair point.
Um, all right Is, uh-- is he at your place? Yeah.
He's really upset.
- I'd better go.
- Yeah.
Come on, Alan, we'll be late for poker.
I don't know, Elaine.
I have a headache.
Oh, okay, then.
Take some aspirin.
I'll see you when I get back.
Wait.
You're going without me? Well, of course I have to go.
How would it look if the first official lady of the poker game didn't show up? It would look like my old poker night.
You don't really have a headache.
Yes, I do.
Trust me-- I'm an expert at faking them, and you do not have one.
You really don't want me to go to this poker game.
What? No.
Sweetie Alan, honey It's completely fine if you don't want me to go.
I'd be more upset if you weren't being honest with me.
So, if you'll just admit that you don't want me to go to this game, I won't go.
Well, uh, to be honest, which you've asked me to be No.
How could you say that to me? Elaine! Why would I fall for that? Elaine.
You just hate everything we've been doing together.
I knew it.
No, not at all.
- The farmers market? - Love.
Photography exhibit? And you tell the truth.
Please, Elaine.
Flowers and waterfalls, black and white-- what's not to love? I don't believe you.
You were faking it, just like your headache.
All right, I was faking it.
I knew it.
But t-t-there's a reason for it.
Just hear me out.
Fine.
I'm listening.
Why would you pretend to like being with me? I do like being with you, but not all the time.
I-I just want things to go back to the way they were before you left.
And I don't want things to go back to the way we were before I left because that's why I left.
And that's why I was pretending.
I don't want to pretend all the time any more because it doesn't make me happy.
So what are we going to do? Maybe I could pretend half the time? Keep talking.
Well, I did kind of like the black-and-white-picture thing.
- What else? - Um Parks are nice.
I like being outside.
Me too.
How about antiquing in Clearwater? I wanted to hang myself.
Me too.
To be honest, half the things you were pretending to like I was pretending to like too.
Look, Lainey, I'm sorry I wasn't up front with you, but I just want to be the perfect husband 'cause I don't want you to ever go again.
Oh, Alan.
It's true.
You will never be the perfect husband.
I won't? There's no such thing as a perfect husband-- only perfect wives.
You know, we're going to be okay.
Yeah, we are.
So, my perfect wife, can I go to my game? Go.
Go out and play with your friends.
And, uh, you'll be here when I get back for the after-poker fun? Well, I have a terrible headache.
Oh, I'm sorry.
See? That's how you fake a headache.
Hey.
[Chuckles.]
- How's it going with the faucet? - Not great.
I'm starting to think the guy at the plumbing store who called me "Einstein" was being sarcastic.
Well, um, listen, man.
Um, you know what? I'm sorry about the suit thing.
It's all right.
Forget about it.
No, it's not all right.
I mean, look, here you are-- you're running your own business.
You give me a job when I can't find one, and I act like I'm ashamed of it.
Yep, that's pretty much what happened, Einstein.
The thing is You know, I guess I've just always seen myself as a guy who wears a suit, you know? And, um I don't know what I am any more.
But, uh, anyway, the point is that you're my best friend, and, um, you're way more important than a suit, and I'm--I'm sorry.
What, are you roping a calf? No, I'm doing-- it's the wha-- it's the life-preserver thing you did earlier.
That doesn't even apply here.
Well, I'm just trying to apologize.
What you should have done is this.
What is--what is that? Hug it out.
I really am sorry, man.
I know.
That's why it makes this so hard.
What-- what are you talking about? I got to cut you loose.
What? Why? It turns out when you hire someone, you got to pay all this money into social security, workers' comp, unemployment.
Plus, did you know you're supposed to be making a minimum wage? Yeah.
Didn't they, uh, tell you all that stuff when you got your business license? My what, now? Doesn't matter.
[Chuckles.]
The point is, um You know what? I would have fired me too.
I feel really bad about it.
No, no.
You'll always be my best friend, okay? And if it's ever anything I can do for you-- There is.
I'm sort of in love with your sister and I need you to make her fall in love with me too.
You what now? David, aren't you going to be late for work? Uhm no I-I-- uhm I don't work there anymore.
I got fired.
What?! What happened? All right, Mom.
I'll be honest with you, I I punched Jackson.
Well good for you, son.
I hate Jackson!