Run the Burbs (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

Peace be with you.
Okay, I know first break-ups
are hard and Mannix is special,
but you can't just lie on the couch
watching Part-Time Nun re-runs forever.
Hail Mary full of Mace.
Oh, my God. How did this ever get made?
Take that back.
Part-Time Nun is a masterpiece.
Okay, get up!
Poor Khia, breaking up in Paris,
the city of love.
That should be illegal.
- We should march.
- First break-ups are brutal.
How would you know? You never been dumped.
I was living a dump or be dumped
lifestyle back then, okay?
But it looked utterly devastating.
She needs us.
Khia doesn't need us. She needs me.
And I know exactly
how to mend a broken heart.
- Okay, pants first?
- Pants first!
I'm good.
She won't even eat my aloo paratha.
She's still in stage four.
Not this again.
The Andrew Pham 12 step break-up protocol
is scientifically proven to work.
You just made it up
after your high school
girlfriend dumped you.
Oh!
Then why isn't our daughter
eating her favourite food?
'Cause she's in the deep food stage.
Deep dish pizza,
seven layer dip, banh da lon.
The depth of the food
represents the depth of your sadness.
Okay, well, fine.
You take care of this.
Sam's coming over anyways
to go through a contract, so
Don't worry.
I'm gonna mend Khia's
broken heart, and mine
one 10 pound lasagne at a time.
- Okay.
- Serves eight?
Challenge accepted.
Oh, dad! What are you doing here?
I drove by Sam walking
from the train station.
Can you imagine?!
Oh, I could've picked you up.
Yes, you could have
if you replied to my texts.
Oh, shoot.
Right.
- Sorry.
- You love lasagne.
Enough with the lasagne!
Andrew's implementing his
12 step break-up plan with Khia.
She's Gen Z.
She'll make a TikTok
and be fine in a week.
- I can't!
- Well you know what they say.
Best way to get over someone
is to get under
standing love and and care
from their friends and family.
- It's good for you.
- Stop!
Well, I should be going.
I was on my way to the driving range
when I saved Samantha's life.
But, dad, you don't golf.
I don't golf yet.
But, Barb is an avid golfer
and I wanted to learn
so we have a couple's activity.
- Khia: Cake won't help!
- Ramesh: Anyway,
now I've got a set of clubs,
which I got from an Estate sale
if you can believe it.
Poor fellow died in a horrific
wake boarding accident.
Okay, just one minute.
Now, I'm ready to hit the slopes.
Pretty sure it's "links." Hit "the links."
How do you know so much about golf?
Oh, I'm a lawyer.
So, golf is like linked in, in real life.
Ah, yes. The faculty did the same.
But, alas, this body
was made for a cricket bat.
- Oh?
- So I never partook.
She's not hungry.
It's not about being hungry.
Hey, why don't I come with you?
I could show you some pointers.
Well, do you have things to do with Camille?
- Yeah, but
- At least use a fork!
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
That's fine.
You, uh, you seem distracted
with family stuff.
So, I'm gonna take your dad
to the driving range.
- One bite!
- Uh, I'll make it up to you.
Just check your texts next time.
Got them. Okay.
Uh, one sec.
Well, you know as a young man,
my friends used to call me tiger.
- Oh?
- Unrelated to golf.
Oh?!
I was born with a tail, you see.
Okay.
Ugh, I feel like I'm in a time loop.
Can we do something?
What if we bike over to the creek?
Oh!
Maybe we'll find another dead skunk!
Or a dead person.
Wait. Where's my bike?
It was right there. Wasn't it?
I bet he took it.
Sebastian.
Happy? I made it to the bottom.
Welcome to stage five, musical catharsis.
Um, what is this?
"I cry"? By Bass Is Base?
Classic '90s break-up jam!
Okay.
After this, it's step six,
watching love actually.
Love actually is actually the worst.
You're the worst! Sorry.
Every single relationship is problematic.
Okay, you're ruining Christmas.
What about the notebook?
Ryan gosling threatens
to jump off a ferris wheel
unless he gets a date.
Oh, damn. That's toxic.
Twilight?
Heteronormative cringey vampires.
Oh, stop.
Am I the patriarchy?
How's our heartbreak patient?
She told me everything I love is wrong.
But, stages three through
seven can be slow going.
Okay, well, did she at least
tell you what happened in Paris?
I didn't ask. This is an organic process.
Ah! Oh, really?
So, how long would it take
for you to get over me?
Hm.
I'd say somewhere between
the 15 to 18 year range?
You serving that time in pen, or something?
I love hard. I also lose hard.
Wait.
How long would it
take for you to get over me?
I don't know.
I think I'd probably be
in decent shape after,
like, a year?
Do I mean nothing to you?!
Uh, let's start with something simple.
The grip. Okay?
- So, kind of
- Like this?
No, but, you know what?
Let's see it in motion.
Why don't you take a swing
and just see how it feels?
Okay, so have you never seen
anyone swing a golf club before?
I thought my cricket skills would transfer.
Ah.
Oh, no.
Okay, yeah.
Gonna be a long day.
How are the 12 steps going?
Boo.
Well, you know, it would help
if you told me what actually
happened in Paris.
Okay, get up. Come on.
Put on some hard pants
and let's get outta here.
We'll go to the mall
and buy a bunch of dumb stuff
you don't need.
Come on. Get up!
Up, up, up, up, up!
Andrew!
Sorry. Step seven?
Saying everything you never
got to say to your ex.
Look, we tried it your way
and it did not work.
So, please, can you help me
get our daughter outside the house?
All right, but don't blame me if
this sets her back to phase two.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
You are outside.
Smell that fresh air?
That's the smell of hope.
It smells like old barbecue.
Okay, Wednesday Addams, let's just, like,
go for a walk
Mannix, Mannix!
Step away from the grey hoodie!
Hey, dawg.
Dog.
I bet you're glad to have Mannix home.
Yeah, for sure. You know, just
- You wanna play ball in a bit?
- Can't.
Gotta get Mannix settled in
and all that, so
Yeah, totally. Another time.
No!
We're not those emotionally repressed dudes
who don't talk about stuff.
If we let this fester,
then before you know it
we'll just be those
passive aggressive neighbours.
Stuck in a decades long Cold War
that our children's children
have to carry on.
I don't want that. You're right.
I just I didn't know what to say.
You know?
I know it'll be awkward
after what Mannix did to Khia.
- But
- Whoa, whoa.
Wait. "What Mannix did to Khia"?
Well, Khia's basically been
locked in her room crying
since she got home from Paris.
Because she feels guilty
for what she did to Mannix.
I don't know what Mannix told you,
but you need to check your facts.
And you need to check yourself.
- My daughter's not a liar.
- You know what?
Maybe we should just be
those passive aggressive neighbours then.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'd love that.
- I'd love it too.
Oh, okay, so I guess we're both in love.
- We're lovin' it.
- We're lovin' it.
But not lovin'
- This.
- Whatever!
Come on. Let's go.
What are we gonna do if he's here?
Don't worry. He's old and slow.
You really think he would take it?
Well, it wasn't a bike ghost.
That's not a thing!
Is it?
Whoa! Mannequin city!
What?
Why are there so many wigs?
Because I used to think my worth
came from the hair on my head.
What are you doing in my backyard?
We were just, um
- Leo, look.
- That's my bike!
You've been leaving it
on my hydrangeas all summer.
Someone needs to teach you
a lesson about respect.
I'm sorry. I'll replant them.
If it only were that simple.
You can't just keep his bike.
- Yeah, that's stealing.
- Yeah.
And you're trespassing.
Now, get out of my yard, you kids!
Wa-ha-ha-hoo!
Wa-ha-ha-hoo!
Head down, knees slightly bent.
- Front foot flat?
- Yeah.
And, follow through.
How how are you getting worse at this?
Maybe you're a bad teacher.
Maybe I need to teach you how to teach
before you can teach me.
Okay, first, your body
is moving like a baby horse
trying to walk for the first time,
so that's on you.
And, second, you know,
I'm actually good at this.
And I just thought I would help you out
so I can feel useful for once.
For once?
What's going on, Sam?
Okay, like, don't tell Camille,
but I've just been feeling
out of sorts since we quit our jobs.
Building a business is difficult.
It takes time.
Yeah, I get that, just, I feel
like she doesn't need me,
or doesn't have time to include me.
Yes, she can be like that.
I just feel like I'm on the bench, you know?
And I really struggle with being idle.
Why be idle? Put some irons in the fire.
That wouldn't be disloyal?
No, it would be smart.
If you supplement your income,
that takes the pressure off
you and Camille.
Huh.
I mean, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to explore other avenues.
Ah! Success!
Okay.
I know it feels bad now, but
Don't say that it's gonna get better
because it won't.
Oh, I got snot on your sweater.
I'm sorry.
What happened in Paris, Khia?
I'll give you 50 bucks if you tell me.
Wait. Really?
No!
Look, I can't make you talk,
but, I think you're gonna feel
a lot better if you do.
It was awesome, at first,
but Mannix just kept wanting to hang out
with her Paris friends.
Oh. Were they jerks?
No!
I just felt out of place.
Well, did you talk to Mannix about it?
Well, she just seemed to be
having such a great time,
I didn't work up the nerve.
Mm.
Okay, well, what did you tell
Lisa and Mannix when you left?
That I was homesick.
So, wait.
Did you and Mannix ever actually
break up?
I take that as a a "no"?
Mm.
No wonder the protocol isn't working.
She hasn't done step zero.
The actual breaking up.
And she just ghosted Mannix!
I mean, did we raise a ghost?
Now, I know why Hudson was being so weird.
I don't think this house can handle
two break-ups at once.
Okay, you two will figure it out.
I wonder how long it'll
take Hudson to get over me.
Hm. Welcome to the world.
This supper will be your last.
Oh, this is the one where
she learns how to cook revenge
and serves it cold.
Nun ya business.
Yes, my sister
I mean, yes, chef.
I'm sorry for pushing you to
deal with the break-up my way.
Okay, so, um, Mannix is at the door.
Yeah, I'm not here.
Practice makes perfect.
Keep it up?
There's no need to lie, Samantha.
Yeah, all right, you suck
and you should throw
those clubs into the sun.
It is disappointing.
I was hoping to surprise Barb.
Well, what else does she like?
Many things.
All of which I struggle with, sadly.
Well, she likes you, obviously.
There is truth to that.
Perhaps I'm going about this the wrong way.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like,
why suffer through something
just because you enjoy boning the person
you're doin' it with?
Couldn't have said it better myself.
There's no need to lie, Ramesh.
I could have said it better myself.
In a Myriad of ways.
I'll find something we both
enjoy doing together
and do more of that.
Things like
You filthy, dirty thing!
Hardly.
Tell me something. Is Barb a pointy lover?
You know, like makin' love
with a bag of elbows?
I'm right, aren't I? Ramesh!
I think she saw me.
Okay, I know what happened
in Paris felt bad.
But taking off without telling Mannix?
Imagine how you'd feel
if she did that to you.
- You're taking her side?!
- No.
We're on your side. Always.
But, it's also our job
to help you become a good human,
and that means telling you
when you're being a jerk.
And right now, well,
you're kinda being a jerk.
Dad, can we please go back to your 12 steps?
You have to talk to Mannix.
You owe it to her.
And to yourself.
Okay, but before you answer the door,
maybe take off the hoodie.
It's, like, covered in lasagne.
It's just there and there.
Help! I think I broke my ankle!
Come on! Help, help!
We got a broken ankle over here!
Quickly!
Are you okay, child?
Let me get my first aid kit.
No!
What I need is some emotional support.
Come on, man. We gotta go!
- I need a second!
- We don't have one!
You're doin' great. I support you.
Oh, no! I've been rumbled!
I'll get you, Leo Pham,
if it's the last thing I do!
Fat chance, old man!
Leo, Leo, Leo, Leo, Leo!
I was so confused when you left.
I felt like you were embarrassed of me,
and I couldn't handle it.
If you'd said something,
I would've helped you.
I wanted to say something.
- But I didn't.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, but, maybe, now that we're back home
we can go back to the way things were?
Are we in the same conversation?
When you left I was so hurt,
and then, you just never texted,
or called, anything.
I I don't see
how we can go back after that.
- Are you breaking up with me?
- Yeah.
We can still be friends, right?
I just need some space.
So we didn't find a dead body,
but we did find a bunch of frogs.
Can we go back to the part
where Sebastian stole your bike?
- Why didn't you tell us?
- Mm-hm.
It was my journey to take.
Whoa! She lives.
Mm.
How are you feeling?
Miserable.
But, thanks for helping me.
You guys are pretty okay sometimes.
- Wanna play video games?
- Sure.
We're pretty okay sometimes!
Mm-hm.
So, when you said it would
take a year to get over me,
did you mean like a year to get out of bed,
or like a year to start dating again?
Okay, so, in this multiverse,
did Idris Elba come to your funeral?
Idris Elba came to my funeral?!
Sick!
Hm?
Recycling, am I right?
Yeah, you know, gotta close the loop.
Yeah.
I didn't know the whole story
of what went down
between the girls in Paris.
- I'm sorry, man.
- Me too.
You know, just seeing
Mannix hurtin' like that, it
it's the worst.
Remember when they were little
and we could solve every problem
with a popsicle?
Tried that.
Mannix wanted lasagne.
Oh, step four. That's a good one.
So, we okay?
Yeah, man. We're good.
- Dawg!
- Dawg!
Hey. Did you steal Leo's bike?
When I was Leo's age,
old man Watson lived in
the pool house over there.
And he would chase us
out of the backyard with a rake
just for trying to steal a dip.
It was exhilarating.
Leo and his friends were moping
around the cul-de-sac for days.
And it was my pleasure, nay, hon our,
to be old man Watson
for this new generation.
Cool, but, like, don't steal
my kids' stuff again, okay?
Got it. To the kids!