Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

[COYOTE HOWLING.]
Well, say something! What's happening? Oh, my God! He's still alive.
Okay, confirm a theory I'm working on.
Am I a severed head? When you bit him, he must have turned.
- And we didn't kill his brain.
- We didn't know.
Okay.
So, that's a yes? Fuck.
All this time, you've just been lying awake here in this hole? In a pudding of my own guts.
Oh, God, that must have been awful.
Although, you did attack me.
But look what you did to me! God, I miss gesturing.
So, what happens now? You can't live like this, so I guess we have to kill you ? Are you asking me? No, I was trailing off because it's uncomfortable.
None of this is ideal, Gary.
And, clearly, mistakes were made.
But we would like to send you off with as much dignity as possible.
[JOEL.]
Would you like to hear some music? We've got satellite radio, so we've got everything.
Sometimes too much.
Do we really need 400 channels in our car? - I know, right? - Okay.
Before you kill me, I do have one last request.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's not the way satellite works.
- You just get the channels.
- It's ridiculous, the amount you pay.
No, I I mean there's something I want you to do for me before I die.
Something incredibly important.
- Really? You want us to do you a favor? - You buried me alive.
Not knowingly.
[MOTORCYCLES REVVING.]
Dirt bikers.
We should get out of here.
Okay.
We'll find somewhere to bury the rest of him, and then take him home and hear him out.
- I don't wanna take him home.
- Do you have a better idea? God damn it.
There.
- Good as new.
- Hey, can I be in the living room? It's kind of spooky down here.
The only reason it's spooky down here is because you're down here.
We could put you in a garden of lollipops and it would still be spooky.
So Gary, what is your request? Well, I had a lot of time to reflect on my life while I was buried out there.
I wasn't a good person.
Hurt a lot of people, - only thought about myself.
- Blah, blah, blah.
What do you need from us, Head? There was only one thing I ever did I was proud of.
I always took care of my niece, Kayla.
She's had a lot of bad breaks, but I was the one person in her life who always made sure she and her baby had food to eat, a roof over their heads.
That's really nice.
He assaulted you.
He's a creep.
People can be more than one thing, Joel.
Look, in my office, there's a deed to a summer house I own on Lake Michigan.
I want you to give it to Kayla so she and her little girl can get out of their crappy apartment in Long Beach, start a new life.
You do that for me, then I'll be ready to die.
I think being separated from your penis has made you a better man.
Maybe.
It certainly has given me more free time.
Please, I'm the only family Kayla has.
I can't bear her thinking that I've abandoned her.
- No, fucking - Joel? [SIGHS.]
I think we should do this.
God damn it.
But then, this is it.
We deliver the deed to his niece, and then lights out.
Absolutely.
See? You were wondering if we were bad people.
But only good people would do a favor for the severed head of their victim.
I think at best, we're in a moral gray area.
I fed Gary.
I gave him pieces of the Serbian guy, most of which fell through his neck into the vase, but he seemed to enjoy it.
Hey, what would you think if, for the bookshelves in here, I built them out of cherry wood, like this? Oh.
Yeah, this is nice.
And what would you think if, instead of driving 50 miles to Long Beach, we mailed that deed to Gary's niece in an envelope, like this? We'd still be good people.
Maybe even better because our carbon footprint would be smaller.
I know, but it's Gary's last wish.
And Kayla deserves to know why she's never gonna see her uncle again.
And we owe it to her to deliver that lie in person.
I know.
[SIGHS.]
I just wanted to have one normal day.
I know, things have been crazy these last few weeks, but I just feel so guilty.
Gary loved his niece, and now thanks to me, that poor girl's gonna be all alone in the world.
I get it.
I just had a different vision of what today would look like.
Well, what did you want to do, sweetheart? Well I need a haircut.
This is insane.
And I wanted to buy wood for the bookshelves.
And there's this new Chinese place on Riverside I'd like to try.
We haven't had a date night since this all started.
You know, normal stuff.
We can go see Gary's niece and still do all of that.
I would love nothing more than to have a date night with you.
Great.
I also haven't written a restaurant review for Yelp in a long time, and my followers rely on me.
Elite status is a privilege and a burden.
Yeah, I was kind of hoping that Yelp thing would die with me.
But I know it's important to you, so I pretend I care.
Thank you.
[ABBY.]
Where's my phone charger? Mom, did you take it with you to the basement? Shit.
We can't let her find Gary's head.
I know.
I'm not worried about her being shocked.
- I'm just tired of her criticizing us.
- Uh, I have one.
- I'll bring it down to you.
Just hang on.
- We have to keep her out of there today.
Oh, God, but if we tell her, "Don't go into the basement," - the second we leave - She'll go to the basement.
So, what do we do? I want you to clean the basement today.
Sure, I'll get right on that.
Is this you guys? "Human body parts found near Rocky Peak Park.
" No.
But it sure sounds like us.
God, this guy was really ripped to pieces.
Think there's someone out there like you? Let's not make everyone's problems our problems.
People get ripped to pieces all the time.
- No, they don't.
- They do for the purpose of my argument.
We have a lot on our plate, let's not go looking for more.
It really makes you wonder, though.
Who could've killed this poor guy? Thank you for taking me to lunch.
It was fun.
Thank you for inviting me back to your apartment, where you live by yourself with the bed and everything.
You know, I still feel bad you didn't eat anything.
Was Panda Express a bad choice for a first date? - Yes.
- Cool.
But also, I just wasn't hungry.
[RAMONA EXHALES.]
[JAW CRACKING.]
There are a million things I wanna do to you.
There's a million things I've had done to me.
But I did all of them myself.
Actually, it's just one thing a million times.
Can I have some water? I'll get you that water.
Jesus Christ, it's happening.
Okay.
Oh.
Stay calm, Eric.
Dumber people than you do this successfully all the time.
Wake up, old friend, your days of leisure are over.
[SQUELCHING.]
Fuck me.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, Romeo.
I don't have time for gentle ribbing.
I'm in Ramona's bathroom.
She's undead.
I think she brought me here to kill me.
- Oh, my God.
Run! - I can't, she's right outside.
Okay, uh, lock the bathroom door.
What's her address? I'll be right there.
34 Sunbird, apartment 2D.
Hurry! And don't take McBean.
It's a parking lot at this hour.
If I were you, I'd get on Magic Mountain Parkway - and go all the way to Rose - Eric, I'll find it! Oh, God.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
I should've brought more protection.
[RAMONA SCREAMS.]
I'm sorry that we're not gonna make it back in time for your hair appointment.
It's all right.
It's not your fault.
There was traffic on the 405.
I just don't understand why people slow down to look at a mattress.
Well, it was brand-new and it had a cowboy boot next to it.
It invites questions.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
If we hurry, we can still make the lumberyard and get Chinese food on the way back.
Unless the other cowboy boot shows up and fucks us.
- Hi! - Hi! - Kayla Lawson? - Yes? We're John and Wendy Darling.
We called earlier.
Yeah, you have some news about my Uncle Gary? Is he okay? You know Gary.
No matter how bad things get, he always comes out ahead.
- We're doing that now? - No, I'm done.
Okay.
Really? So Uncle Gary just dropped everything and left? He said he loves you very much, but he needed to change his life.
So he gave up all of his material possessions, and moved to a remote village to help the poor.
- I wonder why he didn't call.
- Great question.
Because he gave up all of his possessions, so obviously he doesn't have his phone.
Great answer.
- Did he say where he was going? - I'll take this one.
I think it was Guatemal No, he kept it vague because he didn't want anyone to find him.
Yeah, that's better.
For everyone.
Holy shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, good for Uncle Gary.
See, I always thought that he would just grope the wrong woman one day and she'd kill him.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Nothing could be further from the truth.
- Nothing.
Anyway, he wanted to make sure you were taken care of.
So he asked us to give you this.
It's a deed to a house in Michigan.
Six acres on a lake.
All paid for and all yours.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
I spent the summers here when I was little.
See, my parents are divorced, so these are some of the happiest memories that I have.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And thank you for driving all the way down here just to give this to me.
You are such good people.
Thank you, Kayla.
We're trying to be.
Sometimes we do things we're not proud of, and to balance the moral scales - You're welcome.
- You're right, that's better.
Fuck! Fuck you, Uncle Gary! And fuck you, nice people.
You've given me this gift and now I can't even use it.
Kayla, what is it? It's this guy, Boone.
[SNIFFLES.]
I was dating him for a couple weeks, and he's pissed because I broke up with him.
And he has my car.
He won't give it back.
I can't live on a lake in the middle of nowhere without a car! [BABY CRYING.]
Now I woke the baby.
[KAYLA SOBBING.]
Does it feel like we've done enough? I think we may have done enough.
Joel, it was Gary's last wish that we get her to Michigan.
And we haven't done that yet.
We have to go and get her car back.
I know.
It just the cherry wood I wanted is on sale, and it's a very fast moving wood.
I guess we could just get pine.
The Toyota Camry of the forest.
We are doing a good thing, honey.
And you are gonna get your Chinese food, I promise.
[SNIFFLING.]
Listen, Kayla, if you give us the address to your ex-boyfriend, we will go there and get your car back.
Oh, my God.
Really? Thank you so much.
Here's his address.
[SIGHS.]
You guys, I really appreciate it.
Really.
- [JOEL.]
Of course.
- It's our pleasure.
You know, I should probably warn you about my ex.
- Warn us? - Uh You'll probably be okay.
Thank you.
- Well, that felt good, didn't it? - Yeah.
Except for the ominous part at the end.
Oh, you noticed that, too? Wow.
That was awesome.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your nose is bleeding.
That happens sometimes when I get excited.
My cat did that once.
Your tongue is way softer.
Eat this, bitch! Oh.
Oh, she didn't attack you.
You had sex.
Thrice.
Didn't occur to you to text me an update? Mmm, no, it really didn't.
Hey, befor you judge me, you took almost 40 minutes to get here when you thought I was gonna die.
Look, putting on my mom's kill-suit was a whole big thing, and then traffic was a nightmare.
You took McBean, didn't you? Yeah, yes.
That's a good look on you.
Thank you.
- Are you really undead? - Uh-huh.
- Did my mom bite you? - No.
- Then how did it happen? - I don't know.
I woke up one morning, vomited, died, then went on a hike, a jogger yelled at me to get out of his way, and I smashed his head in with a rock and ate his brain.
Why do joggers think they own the road? It makes me so mad.
You're so supportive.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Okay, you guys are are good.
- [RAMONA.]
Wait.
We met at the Rite Aid.
You said your mom was sick.
How is she? She's doing better.
Why? I wanted to see if she's having the same problem as I am.
[TEARING.]
- Oh, my God.
- [ABBY.]
Jesus.
It came off a week ago.
I Velcroed it back on.
Don't worry, babe.
I can help you.
Maybe he's not so bad.
He has a bird bath.
He's inviting birds to come and play on his front lawn.
We have a hummingbird feeder and we kill people.
I'm just saying, you can't always judge a person by their aviary accessories.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Yeah? - Boone Tarver? - Yeah.
I'm Hume Cronyn and this is my wife, Jessica Tandy.
[SHEILA.]
We're friends of Kayla, and we'd really like it if you'd consider giving her her car back.
It would be the right thing to do, and as a bird bath owner, I know you're always looking for ways to help others.
Fuck that shit.
Even if Kayla was a beautiful bird, I wouldn't give that bitch her car back.
What if we gave you $400? Yeah, okay.
Wow.
Okay.
That was fast.
Would you do it for 300? - No, that's not how it works.
- Okay.
I wasn't sure if you knew that.
I tell you what, you seem like nice white people.
You pay me cash, I'll do it for 350.
Really? Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
Come on in.
Um, he said, "nice white people," right? Maybe he said, "Nice right people.
" Like, we do things properly.
I heard "white," but maybe.
Yeah, make yourselves comfortable.
I'll get the keys.
Great.
Thanks, Boone.
All right, I'll drive the car back to Kayla's house, and you can pick me up.
And by 8:00 p.
m.
, you are gonna be balls deep in bok choy.
- I promise.
- Thank you.
Wow, look at those bookshelves.
[GASPS, CHUCKLES.]
Looks like he built them himself.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
What the fuck? Cherry wood.
And look at these corners.
I guarantee you this guy has his own miter saw.
Whoa.
Didn't notice that.
Tongue and groove.
God, I respect a man who's unafraid to embrace the past.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
What the hell? - Jesus.
- The chances these are all gifts seem slim.
[WHISPERS.]
This is what Kayla was warning us about.
Boone is a Nazi.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What? Remember when we were looking for our first person to kill, and we said, "Who would be the perfect candidate?" - Yeah.
- Get the tarps out of the car, baby.
Because we just found our young, single Hitler! [SHEILA EXHALES.]
Okey-dokey.
It'll take a few minutes to prepare the serum.
Why don't you have a seat right here and relax.
You'd make a really good receptionist at a medical or dental office.
Thank you.
And your calm and dispassionate demeanor would make you a wonderful 911 operator.
Thank you.
I like how we're already finding little ways to validate each other.
I could get used to this.
Right.
Okay.
Hey, isn't Ramona great? I was so worried my first time would be with my cousin, Sophie.
She gives such good massages.
But now instead of doing something creepy and desperate - You're having sex with a dead woman.
- Undead.
You know, I always thought my obsession with the supernatural would hurt my chances with girls, but really - it was just preparing me for my deflowering.
- Why stop there? Maybe you could have a threesome with a mermaid and a hobbit.
Are you okay? You seem a little hostile.
I'm fine.
Let's just finish this serum so your girlfriend's head doesn't fall off when you're porking her.
Well, for your information, I recently found out I'm a gentle, giving lover.
I don't wanna kill this guy.
We talked about this, honey.
We can't keep murdering people impulsively.
But there's no one here.
And this is a truly bad guy who's responsible for killing millions of people.
- Indirectly.
- No.
- Why not? - Because I gave up my haircut Because I gave up my haircut and I gave up my cherry wood.
And there's no scenario where we kill this guy and I still get Chinese food.
- Oh! There he is.
- Sorry it took so long.
I popped a couple of Oxys before you came and they just kicked in, - so I'm moving kind of slow.
- He's moving kind of slow.
- I don't care.
- My whole body's numb.
I shit you not, I slammed my finger in the door, I felt nothing.
- He feels nothing.
- I don't care.
Hey, you guys like fun, right? There's a funeral down the street for a gay, Jew lady-doctor.
You wanna go shout stuff at her colored foster kids? [SIGHS.]
Jesus.
He's perfect.
- Thank you.
- Not tonight.
- But I just wanna eat this gentleman now.
- Did you just say you wanna No, you're high.
You misheard me.
We can go get Chinese food another time.
- It's always another time.
- But I'll be quick.
I promise.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey, Boone.
Bad news.
Oh, shit.
They moved that funeral to yesterday.
Shifty Jews.
I told the crew that we'd just all hang out here tonight.
Who are you? We were just leaving.
[CHUCKLES.]
Right, sweetheart? Yes.
Whoa.
You ain't going nowhere.
Not until you buy raffle tickets for our softball team.
- No, we need to skedaddle.
- Oh, hang on.
You guys have a whole team? Are you all Nazi-ish? Damn right.
You like Nazis? I don't know, I've never had one.
- Maybe you should try one sometime.
- Oh, I definitely will.
- I'll take this whole book.
- Awesome.
- Hundred bucks.
- You play ball, Hume? - We're looking for a white fielder.
- Wait.
Did you say "white" fielder? Right.
Wait.
"Right" like yes, you need a white fielder, or "right" like no, you need a right fielder? - What? - Honey, let's go.
Yeah, I'm done here.
Okay.
Holding still, holding still.
I'm releasing the serum into your spine, almost there, your hair smells great.
Taking the needle out And it snapped off inside you.
How do you feel? - Fine.
- Let's just leave it there.
Okay, remember, this isn't a cure.
It just arrests your symptoms.
- So you're gonna stay exactly as you are.
- Which is awesome.
Okay.
I have to be at work in ten minutes.
Thanks for helping me.
Wait.
Before you leave, tomorrow night's half-price at the trampoline park.
- You wanna go? - No.
- Okay.
How about a movie Friday night? - No.
Magic Mountain on Saturday? - No.
- No.
Wow, look at us, already on the same page.
I think she's blowing you off.
I suspected Abby's "sick" mother was undead, and thought she might be able to help me with my deterioration.
The only reason I slept with you was to create an emotional bond so you'd lead me to her.
But now you've fallen for me? I think your dignity also snapped off inside her.
Sorry, Eric.
I got the serum, and I don't need you anymore.
We had some fun, but I'm kind of a loner.
See ya later, alligator.
Or maybe never again, crocodile.
- Wow.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
When my parents find out there's another undead person, they're gonna freak out.
How are you feeling? Not great.
I shouldn't have given you such a hard time about Ramona.
No.
No, it's okay.
I'm sorry I couldn't stop talking about her.
I wasn't trying to make you jealous.
I wasn't jealous.
I was angry.
- Angry? - Yeah, you scared the hell out of me.
When you called me from Ramona's, I thought you were gonna die.
I'd never see you again.
I'm sorry.
Don't ever do that to me again.
I won't.
I should clean the basement.
I promised my parents.
Yeah, I should get home.
- Hey, thanks for everything.
- Thank you.
Yup, yup.
- [SHEILA CHUCKLES.]
- Mm.
I'm sorry I was so insistent on killing Boone.
You know, being selfless doesn't come easy to the undead.
Hey, we made it here, we're having our date night.
I am in pork heaven.
[JOEL.]
Mm.
You know what's great about a lobster tank? [JOEL.]
Hmm? You have a stockpile of live, fresh, tasty food whenever you want it.
Well-observed.
This is my lobster tank.
And these gentlemen are my lobsters.
And whenever I get hungry, we can just reach in and grab one, and have a tasty meal.
Wow, Nazi-lobsters.
That's intense.
But actually, right now, I'd just like to enjoy my meal.
Have one normal evening with normal conversation.
Of course.
It's just that if we know who we're gonna kill next, then we can plan better, and have more time for non-murder-y things.
But, yes, normal conversation.
Look at that.
What a beautiful fish.
You know the food's authentic when they serve the fish with the head on.
Speaking of, now that we've dealt with Kayla, - we have to kill Gary's head tomorrow.
- That's right.
How should we do that? Well, the weather has been great.
Something outside would be nice.
We could take him to Pike's Ridge.
Set him on that boulder overlooking the valley, tell him a joke, and while he's laughing, drive an ice pick through his brain.
Oh, that's good.
I was thinking we'd count to three, but then do it on two.
But your way is better.
I'm sorry.
I'm doing it again.
You wanted normal conversation.
No, it's okay.
Maybe for us, this is normal.
God, I know we have to kill Gary now, but how great would it be - to put him out for Halloween.
- Oh, my God! And we could make the Anderson's corn maze look like the bullshit that it is.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- No, we have to kill him tomorrow.
- Absolutely.
[GARY SINGING.]
[GARY WHISPERING.]
And the crowd goes wild.
Go, go! Go, go! Gary! Gary! You're the best! God, ladies and gentleman, please, you got to settle down, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Detroit.
- "You're in Michigan.
" - Welcome, Michigan! Acoustics in here are not bad.
Hey! What's up? I'm Gary.
Not today.