Saxondale (2006) s02e03 Episode Script

That is why I always take
anything uttered by a man in a suit
with a soupcon
of sodium chloride.
I beg your pardon?
That's not a very nice thing to
say. You don't even know his mother!
I'm done.
Thank you, Tommy.
And thank you, Geoff,
for allowing Tommy
to express his opinion,
however forthright
that might be.
And I do hope, Tommy, that you
will extend Geoff the same courtesy
and give him the rabbit rabbit.
Yeah, shoot from
the breach, dude.
There's nothing you can call me that I
haven't heard a thousand times before.
The bearded monster, Tommy the
tank, the mental mammoth, mr saxondale.
And the wild man of stevenage.
Oh!
I think you consistently
disrupt the flow of each class
because you pathologically feel the
need to dominate every single conversation.
-Is he talking about me?
-Much like that!
And in such situations,
where people have the
option to walk away from you,
I'm imagining they generally do.
-Alistair
-I've got the rabbit.
I think, also, deep down you realise
most people find you ridiculous.
And your behaviour is some
sort of defence mechanism.
And when you are in fact offered
criticism, instead of taking it on board,
you shoot the messenger.
Piss off!
Don't shoot the messenger
or I'll pull your head off!
I will pull his head off.
Right, if you
don't believe me
There.
Sorry about that, alistair.
I don't know what
It's from John Lewis,
so you can take it back
Seven days.
Hey, Tommy!
Should do me for
tonight, anyway!
If he does that stupid
metal sign one more time
I think he thinks you like it.
The thing is, Raymond,
that dude can't figure me out.
He says the dunlop green flash pumps, hair
past the collar, the wrangler pro rodeos
He must think he's living
opposite Billy the kid.
You just need a horse.
I've got one, mate.
It's called a mustang.
It's a steel horse.
-It's a yellow horse.
-It's a steel horse.
Shall we clean out the garage?
Yeah, get the bat
cave ship-shape.
Time to kick out the jams, mofo,
got a new set of wheels a-rollin' in.
We're making space
for the new lawnmower?
That's what I meant, yeah.
Are you clearing out that stuff? Oh,
you can Chuck that old orange tent.
I'm not slinging that.
That's got sentimental value.
Come on, Tommy.
We've not used it since that
moondance festival in penzance.
Yeah, when we
missed the lunar eclipse
'cause you were barkin'
up two pints of bad cider!
You can't buy those memories!
-Sorry about that.
-Don't be.
It was a privilege to hold your
forehead every time you heaved.
What do you
want me to do with it?
-Oh, that is rank!
-Oh, bin it!
Burn it!
He-e-re's Tommy!
How's everything in the catch
'em and dispatch 'em business?
Do you feel lucky?
Fine. How's carphone warehouse?
Yeah, I've been kicked upstairs.
Cheers, guys.
I'll tell you what, you can keep
your bloody business class travel.
I bet your job beats
mine hands down
for sheer bloody
Interesting characters.
Oh, yeah, it does.
That's why I don't work
for carphone warehouse.
How's the yellow peril?
-Who?
-How's the yellow peril?
-What?
-How's the car?
Oh, my boss 351 mustang.
It's uh it's
fine. Hunky-dory.
Hunky dory! David bowie!
Always thought he looked a little
bit weird wearing that, um, makeup.
But he did write
some belters, fair play.
Yeah
Ziggy stardustbeing the apotheosis
of the oeuvre, I'm sure you'll concur.
Nice shooting the breeze with you,
Tommy. Nice shooting the breeze.
-Heard you the first time.
-Oh, yeah.
Here it comes.
-While I remember
-I'll carry on.
Did you hear anything about
a bunch of squatters
moved in over the back way?
-No.
-No? Not important.
The residents association
are a little bit worried.
Crapola appearing
in the garden and
Mind you, I can't talk.
Couple of days ago, I had two bags
of manure in the boot of the Audi.
And woof! You
know what I'm saying?
Yeah, your Audi stinks of shit.
I think they're a
crusty, juggling, arty
As long as they
don't rape my woman,
or start an experimental theatre
group, they can do what they like.
Jonathan!
Don't forget we're meeting
Brian and Marian at 2:00.
Her indoors, eh?
All right! Leave
it out, mate! Eh?
Leave it out, sunshine! Eh?
She sounds like a
fucking nightmare.
She's no, no, no, she's
She's
I'll catch you later
Tommy.
I see you've got some
good videos, jfk, Gandhi.
Can I keep these?
Best not, mate.
That is not all Gandhi.
It's from the period when myself and magz
embraced the home video phenomenon.
It starts out as a film about
human rights violations,
and then it becomes a home video
about human rights violations.
I'll just put 'em to one side.
No, stick 'em in the bag.
I'll dump them myself.
Don't want the bin
men finding them.
Unlawful use of a ping-pong bat.
-A ping-pong bat?
-Yeah.
Ouch! New balls, please!
Ooh! Half-time, change ends!
-Oh, yeah.
-No, there's a code system.
Oh
12 angry men?
One angry woman.
Cry freedom?
Oh, how I did, to no avail!
Toy story, that's
self-explanatory.
Enter the dragon, ditto.
Titanic, that's just
magz on her own.
-And rain man?
-I'll ask you just to pop it in the bag.
Squatters?
Oh yeah, that's down your
way, Tommy, babes, yeah.
The council want
a full inspection.
But, oh, I wouldn't
go in there, love.
It breaks your heart to see
them, those poor, smelly bastards!
Still doing your charity work
for the sisters of little mercy?
A mate of mine
went to that squat
and he said they were all
sitting around eating a swan.
And only the queen
is allowed to do that.
-And who told you that?
-My mate, Danny.
He does the absolut
vodka nights at mr g's.
-So, an informed source, then?
-Yeah, yeah.
No, he says that they're all on drugs and
chucking yoghurt cartons out the window.
And they've got this big,
black, poisonous snake.
Well, and see, I think they're
just dangerous and horrible.
I don't know why they don't just round
them all up and just put them in a
Concentration camp?
-Um, the
-Gas chamber?
-I wouldn't go that far, Tommy.
-Oh, big softie!
I know. I know I am. I was in tears
when I saw brokeback mountain.
Yeah, so was I.
I thought I'd rented
goodfellasand that was in the box.
Just fellas.
Anyway, look. I'm gonna get my
mate Michelle from environmental health
to go and check
out that squat, yeah.
She is one tough chick.
She used to work for
customs and excise, yeah.
Oh! She doesn't bite her nails!
Honestly, she is such a hoot.
A whole gang of us are gonna
go to Cyprus in October, yeah,
for a bit of sun, sea,
sangria and
What, ethnic cleansing?
Catch up to me, now. No,
Raymond knows what I'm talkin' about,
don't you, love? Yeah?
Ever been to Cyprus, Raymond?
No, never really been abroad.
Mum and dad
don't like foreigners.
Oh, bless!
Vicky, let me check
out this squat first
before your mate Michelle turns up
with her taser and Raymond's parents.
All right, babes, put
yourself down for it.
Tommy, babes, I'm not racialist.
My mate Ross, he goes out with
this little Pakistani man from Bombay.
Um, that's in India,
so he'll be Indian.
They call it Mumbai.
I know. I said to him, I said,
"ross, Mumbai, Bombay,
Bombay, Mumbai.
"sounds a bit like bum boy!"
oh, come on, Tommy.
-You've got to laugh.
-I thought it was optional.
Tommy
You know my bush?
When did you last trim it?
It was that bed and
breakfast in weymouth.
-What?
-Hiya.
Are you wondering
about the hedge?
Guilty.
-Oh!
-Just giving ours a little trim,
thought I'd tidy up
yours while I was at it.
That's really nice.
Thanks, Jonathan.
-Not at all.
-Yeah, ditto.
Oh, no. Don't
mention. Don't mention.
Community spirit and all that.
Yeah, I could take a few mil
off the old bonnet while I'm at it.
Watch it, I'll
stick it in your
-Oh, I'm just kidding, Tommy, mate.
-Eyes.
No, don't you let
anyone near that.
It's what makes
you an individual.
I'm fed up with the
aspirational types around here.
I prefer real
people, like yourself.
And uh
Yeah
-All right, good to see you. Take it easy.
-Yes.
Oh!
Has he been watching Columbo?
While I remember,
I think I heard something about
a vote to evict the squatters.
They're having a pow-wow about it
down at the community centre tomorrow.
Yeah, well I doubt there's
much they can do legally.
No, although I think I
did hear something about
how a majority residents'
vote would invoke
some sub-category 5a blah-di-blah
enforcement of eviction order,
etcetera provided the voting was
completed within four working days
of the original application
launched Something Whatever.
-But you're not sure?
-No.
Better things to think about.
Yeah.
But no, they're gonna
knock heads on it tomorrow
down at the old
community centre
12:30 ish.
You might pop
along. I'm going to.
But, it had better be done
by 3:00 or I am out of there.
Got tennis doubles booked, so if
they don't like it
Yeah you haven't got
anything in there, have you?
In the old pest wagon,
to get rid of squatters?
They'd probably ask me if I had anything
to get rid of residents' associations.
Too true, mate.
No, for that number of people,
I'd use an acephate spray.
Causes convulsions, paralysis,
shuts down the
central nervous system.
Residents or squatters?
Well, it doesn't discriminate. It's
banned under the Geneva convention.
Is it?
Yeah! Was that did she
Yes! I'm
-I think it's great we've got squatters.
-Yeah.
-Really shake them up around here, eh, Tommy?
-Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
I've got my speech all prepared.
-"in defence of squatters."
-Tommy's done one, too.
Oh, right?
Mind if I have a quick butchers?
No. No, not at all.
Thanks.
-Quite a few drafts of it?
-Yeah.
Who's Isabel "Allen-dah"?
Allende. She wrote house of the
spirits, it's about repression in Chile.
I used to have it on
my shelf in the study.
Sorry, excu Sorry
Who's Sheila Cassidy?
She wrote audacity to believe
about repression in Chile.
-Did you read that?
-No, I didn't.
-Smashing.
-I tried to, but I couldn't
It's a tougher read.
Next one, jung Chang?
-Oh, she wrote wild swans, that's about repression
-In Chile.
- No, in China.
- Right, okay.
Two chiles and a China!
I was trying to draw a comparison
between the repression of the squatters
-and the repression
-And the repression and torture in China.
-Sorry, Chile.
-And China.
And China. Yeah
Hmm
-It's good, isn't it?
-It's great.
-Thanks.
-Um
Very powerful, you know,
some lovely phrases.
"kids' heads on spikes"
Really jumps out at you.
Um, a lot to digest.
I wonder, rather than
read it out loud here,
whether it might be better to put it on
the Internet, that way everyone can see it?
You didn't like the bit about
the war criminals of stevenage?
I worry that some
people, not me,
might find being compared to a
war criminal, you know, a tad irritating.
Okay, I'll just sit here politely
and you do all the talking, Tommy.
Cheers.
I'm really sorry about that, I don't
think he means for you to not do it
No, I'm not not doing it.
Good, good.
And let's just hope that this time we're
not the ones with blood on our hands.
Okay Tom saxondale?
Eugh, squatters!
Are any of you aware of the great
contribution that these people make
to our cultural
and literary lives?
Yeah, and like, um, a lot of the travellers,
they make these really fabulous quilts.
Very true, babes, Margaret, but I
was talking more about literary things.
They make these wonderful model
rocking chairs out of clothes pegs.
I mean, just beautiful.
But who wants a rocking
chair made of clothes pegs?
That doesn't help.
The point is, some of the greatest
contributors to our literary and cultural life
started out as squatters.
Kerouac. Ginsberg.
The archbishop of canterbury.
The archbishop of
canterbury, a squatter?
Yeah, he crashes
at the cathedral.
Yeah
The point is he's not dicking about
trying to get on the property ladder.
His mind is on higher things.
But the archbishop
doesn't play loud music
or throw empty yoghurt cartons
out of his bedroom window.
Have you met him?
- No.
- You seem to know an awful lot about him.
-That's called prejudice.
-It's all right, love.
Yes, but no, good, yes, prejudice.
That is prejudice thank you, penny.
Now, if you didn't know penny,
who made that long but good speech
and you were prejudiced,
you might think,
"oh, she's a bit of a sourpuss,
"her idea of a good time must be
snacking on a sesame seed bar."
you'd be a fool. 'Cause I've
seen penny with my own eyes,
in my kitchen,
wrapping her gums round a tesco's
finest beef and red onion sausage. Right?
Yes, yes, I did.
People might be
prejudiced against you,
as a load of small-minded little englanders
who are worried about asylum seekers
stealing your James blunt cds.
What's wrong with James blunt?
We don't have the time.
The point is, we are
all capable of prejudice.
Yes
Look, I mean
Surely a squat has a smaller carbon
footprint than any of our households.
Yes, carbon footprint.
Thanks, pen. Sit down now.
Oh, the green police!
Who are you calling green?
You're talking to a guy who
pushes 351 brake horsepower
through a iron-block v8 mustang.
And, you know, if redlining my Cleveland cutie
means that a polar bear gets its feet wet,
then that's just a titty
of the tough variety.
Look, me and my
husband just want to register
our very strong
opposition to the squatters.
Don't we, darling?
-Darling?
-Yeah.
Yeah
Just thought I'd swing by,
you know, give it the once-over,
keep the local
suburbanites happy.
Cheers, mate. We always get
this just 'cause we're different.
Yeah, well me about it, amigo.
Oh, no, that's not gonna work.
Sorry, I think you've
spilt something there.
We don't fit in with
the curtain twitchers.
Yeah, no. Well, you haven't
got any curtains, have you? So
Yeah, just gonna have to
tick a few boxes, yadda yadda.
Hiya.
Oh, hello.
I'm Tommy. That's Raymond.
And sorry, you are
Keanu Reeves.
Well, fair enough.
The chap I was just
talking to, what's his name?
Dunno.
Yeah, well, people get hung
up on names, don't they?
Have you got a
mobile phone number?
It begins with A "0".
Right, have you got it on you?
Mickey from Belfast's
holding it till I get him his £100.
Right, okay, no
worries, I'll get it later.
Oh, no, he gave it me back.
Great.
Have you got it handy?
Yeah.
Oh, no, it's in the
sink, underwater.
Spanky'll give you his number. He went
to the corner shop for some maltesers.
Right. When did he go?
February.
So, what do you lot do then?
We all do different
things, mate.
We're not like the sheep
that live round here.
Oh, I hear you, dude.
Yeah
So, what do you do?
Spanky does crystal meth,
catweazle does ketamine.
Moby just don't do anything.
Just booze and coke.
A traditionalist.
If only more people lived like this,
the world would be a much nicer
Did something die in here?
No, no, daftie!
Spanky dropped some chicken
curry down the back of the cooker.
What is that?
It's some cheese in a cup.
Yeah, it's some cheese.
In a cup.
Course it is.
Well, lord and lady pinkerton,
we've enjoyed your
Tommy, you've got a
cushion stuck to your trousers!
Jesus!
-Is he your dad?
-No.
He looks like the Bee Gees.
Listen, mate, no-one's expecting
you to go shopping for pelmets but
I mean you've got a what, you've
got a VCR there, sitting on a swing bin!
That's a hazard.
What's it there for?
I think it's to keep
that snake in.
Put it back.
Ah, you weren't expecting
that, were you? Na-na!
Guys, a little tidying up, I
mean, it's not selling out.
Blah-di-blah, blah-di-blah!
Don't stroke him!
I'll level with you. When I came
here today, I wanted to say,
"you are holding the torch
for a disaffected generation."
no, you are, that
thing you said!
And your jeans are rubbish.
-It's a shame really, isn't it?
-Yeah.
I never thought I'd
feel sorry for a snake.
-Hello?
-Tommy, hi. Is this Tommy?
-Penny?
-Tommy,
they've brought the vote forward. It's
a tie and you've got the casting vote.
Listen, if you don't get here to vote in
15 minutes, the squatters will be evicted.
Now, are you gonna be
able to get here on time?
Are you there, Tommy? Tommy?
Tommy, hello? Hello?
Penny, I'm having a bit
of trouble hearing you.
Take it off speak
Hello? Tommy, do you think you'll
be able to get here in ten minutes?
Penny, it sounds like you've
won the vote. That's great news.
Congrat eh u eh
ih eh ih eh
ih Eh ih Eh
I feel a bit bad about that.
It's a carton of yoghurt.
Dirty bastards!
I bet you didn't think Vicky would
be right about the snake, did you?
Oh, Raymond.
Have I ever recited
if by rudyard kipling?
Yes, twice.
"if you can"
Have I? Oh, well.
It's a very good poem.
It used to hang on the
back of the toilet door.
Tommy?
-The bag's gone.
-What?
Who'd want to steal
an old bag of videos?
-Hiya.
-All right, dude.
Um
-I am missing a bag.
-I haven't got your bag.
And do you mind not coming round here
bothering decent, hard-working people?
Work You work?
Yeah, I'm a nurse. You can be
a nurse and a man, you know.
You're sexist!
Yeah, well, so
what You, um
Are you on a break?
Yeah, since 1999.
Anyway, I haven't got
your little green bag.
You never said it was green.
Hey, you. Whose side are you on?
His.
How did you know
the bag was green?
I haven't got it. Spewter made me
put it in a bin in the shopping precinct.
In a bin?
Yeah. I'm not a litter bug.
Don't tell the police. I haven't
been on the Rob since 1999.
Which bin did you put it in?
I can't remember.
Oh, give me strength!
Oh, I put it in the bin
outside Claire's accessories.
I've got loads of henna tattoos.
D'you wanna see some?
No, thank you. I'm all right.
Look, young man, you've
got to pull yourself together!
Well, there's no
need to shout at me.
You don't know what
I've been through.
Me auntie Ann died.
Um
I'm all right, I'm very
sorry. When did she die?
In 1999.
1999, yeah. It sounds like
that was your annus horribilis.
Don't be cheeky. You
know what that sounds like!
Yeah. I know
what it sounds like.
You know what it sounds like.
-Yes, it sounds like
-Yeah, all right, we all know what it sounds like.
-Yeah, it sounds like hor
-Yeah, you're right, you don't have to say it.
- It sounds like horri
- I know!
-Stop speaking!
-Horri
Button it!
-Hor
-No!
Give it a rest!
-Shall we go and find the bag?
-Yes, that's a splendid idea.
Thank you.
Horrible anus!
You know, my dad says that
criminals should be locked up
and they should just
throw away the key.
Yeah, it's a bit more
complicated than that, dude.
The Yeah, so do I sometimes.
-Tommy, hi!
-Hi.
-How's things?
-Great, yeah.
-Are you hunting down a pest?
-No, just looking for some porn.
Oh, well, I'll see you Thursday.
Tommy, that was Vicky.
She's got the green bag.
Oh
Oh, shit! Quick, get
in the kangoo. Let's go!
Shall I get some
maltesers for the journey?
There's no time, for
'tesers dude. It's defcon 1!
Yeah, apparently that
bag was full of my receipts.
Bloke who found it
brought it straight back here.
That's a stroke of luck,
isn't it, Tommy, babes.
It is a stroke of luck.
That's exactly what it is.
Oh, Tommy, that stuff
you ordered has arrived.
Great, I'll pack it up
and be on my way.
Oh, it's been a slow day
here today, Tommy, love.
I, uh I started watching
one of your videos.
I thought I could watch the rest of it
tonight and get it back to you later, yeah?
You don't want to watch
a crappy old tape like that.
Oh, it's not half so
bad. I was enjoying it.
I'll give you the DVD version
of what What What's on it?
It's an old man in
his big white pants.
What's he doing?
Oh, he's getting a hard time,
but he's not fighting back.
-He's getting hit.
-With
With rifles.
Rifles? It's Gandhi.
Yeah, that's it, Gandhi. Yeah.
No, I'll give you the DVD.
It's much better detail, and they got extras
on it and the interview with Ben Kingsley.
Oh, okay.
It got loads of oscars.
Yeah, it's all about, you
know, the British empire
and lots of bullying racial
Oh, I know, I know. Some people
are just so racialist, aren't they?
I know. You know
what? I was thinking
that one day,
eventually, I mean,
everybody's just gonna have
to mix it up with everybody else,
you know, black, white,
yellow, until eventually we're all
coffee-coloured or purple
or, you know, orange.
You've got a head start
there, haven't you, vicks?
Well, you could do with a bit more
colour in your cheeks, Tommy, babes.
Maybe I'll take your lead
and stick my face inside a toaster
three times a week. That should do it.
For those cheeks, yeah.
For the other ones, you just
need to use a ping-pong bat!
Oh! New balls, please!
Aagh!