Schmigadoon! (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC DISTORTS, CONTINUES]
Being wanted is nice ♪
Well, unless it comes with a price ♪
Josh escaped on the bus ♪
A mistake? Please discuss ♪
And Melissa's found a clue ♪
Scoob-a-dee-doo ♪
Ooh. Bobby. Bobby, guess what?
I found Elsie's datebook.
The The dead showgirl.
Yeah. I found it in her dressing room
after you told me to snoop around.
Anyway, she wrote a street
address down in her datebook.
Should I go to the address? I should
I should go to the address, right?
Maybe take a look at this first.
Wait. Why is he wanted?
Your lover, my client, "Josh" for short,
has decided to add a few hurdles
to my agility course
by breaking out of jail.
What? Why Why would he do that?
Where Where is he? Can you find him?
There's very little I can't do.
Besides bore people or look bad
in literally any kind of suit.
Don't worry. I'll track him
down before the trial tomorrow.
- [SOBBING]
- Oh, no.
Are you emotional, or do you
have something contagious?
I'd prefer the latter.
- I'm sorry. [SNIFFLES, SOBBING]
- [SIGHS]
- [WHIMPERS]
- Here, here.
I mean There, there.
[SIGHS] I'm not the best at consolation.
I was raised by cold
birthday check writers.
Just Everything has been such
a struggle the past couple years.
And now we're here, and
and now this. [SIGHS]
I feel like I should say
something comforting here.
But the truth is, your
hubby really hurt himself
with this bonehead jailbreak.
Obviously, I'm a human miracle,
but now it's gonna be a lot harder
for me to get him exonerated.
I wish there was something
I could do to help.
There is. Follow that clue.
Find the real killer. It
may be his only chance.
[SIGHS] I'll do my best. I
just I really hope Josh is okay.
Good morning, Josh-shine.
Fresh juice? Beads?
Flowers for your hair?
My hair? [STAMMERS]
Oh, my God. [MUMBLES] I've had
recurring dreams about this.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- Uh, what year is this supposed to be?
Where am I?
- Wait, is is this a junkyard?
- [ALL CHUCKLING]
One man's junkyard is
another man's utopia.
Topher?
Welcome, Josh, to our commune, our
gathering place, our group home.
Uh, yeah, my grandma
died in one of those.
S-So w-what is going on?
Are Are we safe here?
Are the cops after us?
Man [CHUCKLES] the
cops are always after us.
[HIPPIE 1] The profession
attracts and rewards bullies.
[TOPHER] You seem worried, Josh.
[JOSH] Aren't you? We broke
out of jail. [STAMMERS]
Melissa's probably freaking out.
[STAMMERS] It makes
me look guilty as hell.
What was I thinking
getting on that bus? [SIGHS]
I'm getting the vibe that
you feel burdened, Josh.
By a lot. Is that true?
To be honest, yes.
Life has been kinda hard
lately. At work, at home.
Josh, you are hung up,
strung out, wound up.
You need to turn on,
tune in, and drop out.
- It's time for a tribal initiation.
- [TRIBESPEOPLE GASP]
Oh. No, thank you.
- I'm not, uh, really much of a joiner.
- [TOPHER] Oh, don't worry.
It's just a celebration of
being alive and being together.
Could you be more specific?
[ALL] Flooby wabba noody ♪
Rizzo, Cha Cha, Doody ♪
Flooby nooby wicky ♪
Zuko 'n Kenickie ♪
Join in the cosmic cantata ♪
Open your soul to a world that's new ♪
It's time to revel in the revelation ♪
Pay tribute to the tribulation ♪
The universe believes in you ♪
- And we do too!
- Great, but
There's poverty, war, and injustice ♪
Bigotry, hatred, and greed and fear ♪
Too many people dying in the street ♪
Fighting for a bite to eat ♪
The answer is crystal clear ♪
So lend an ear!
Everyone's gotta get naked ♪
- I'm sorry. What now?
- Get back to the way we were born ♪
This is mandatory?
The only solution ♪
A love revolution ♪
Let's get back to the way ♪
Back to the day ♪
Back to the way we were born ♪
Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta ♪
Gotta get naked ♪
[TOPHER] We're all taking
our clothes off ♪
Every single one of us ♪
But what if we're good ♪
With our clothes on? ♪
You'd make an exception
then, no doubt ♪
No! It's time for
every chick and dude ♪
- To get a nude attitude ♪
- [ALL] Get a nude attitude ♪
- We're gonna let it all hang out ♪
- Let it all hang out ♪
- Even our wieners!
- What?
- Everyone's gotta get naked ♪
- [ALL] Ooh wah, we're getting naked ♪
- Get back to the way we were born ♪
- Ooh, ooh wah ♪
Back to the day we were born ♪
- The only solution ♪
- Or not.
A love revolution ♪
Let's get back to the way ♪
Back to the day ♪
Back to the way we were born ♪
Hey. What if we meet in the
middle and say clothing optional?
Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta ♪
Gotta get naked ♪
- Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta get naked ♪
- Oh, flowers don't wear pants ♪
- Gotta get naked ♪
- So why should we? Why should we? ♪
- Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- [ALL] Gotta get naked ♪
Gotta get naked ♪
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm seeing a lot of
moles I'm worried about.
Welcome to Quick Street. The
seedier side of Schmicago.
Home to scoundrels, wastrels,
and the occasional nosy bitch
who can't mind her own business.
Oh, off with ya, chatterin' vermin.
Can't you keep yourselves occupied?
But we want to learn
how to spell and add.
Yeah? Well, I want massive knockers
and to fill up me tub with French
soap bubbles instead of bathtub gin,
but we ain't the steerers
of the ship, is we?
- [ORPHAN] Hey!
- Wow.
Very different, yet somehow still mean.
- Uh, hi there. I'm looking for
- Oh.
Good day, miss ♪
Lookin' pretty ♪
Lookin' lonely ♪
Looks like you could use a child ♪
Or two, or three ♪
For a very modest fee ♪
If by any chance you're searchin' ♪
For an urchin ♪
I've got your merchandise right here ♪
But I'll be clear ♪
Tell you straight ♪
They're not great ♪
And they don't appreciate ♪
They're possibly the worst brats in town ♪
So, you're selling the orphans?
And me ♪
I'm just a woman
with needs of me own ♪
Who'd like to do some
misdeeds of me own ♪
[LAUGHS] With a certain someone ♪
But though I am a woman
who's never enjoyed ♪
That thing what as a
mother gets you employed ♪
Somehow I seem to have become one ♪
And I'm surrounded by these lambs ♪
Little tykes ♪
Girls with dolls ♪
Little boys with little balls ♪
How I love these darling tots ♪
Precious imps ♪
Take a glimpse ♪
Truth is I got lots and lots ♪
Oh, sure this one here
may have some lice ♪
This one plays dice ♪
This one eats mice ♪
Caught him twice ♪
Thrice ♪
- Truth is they're not very nice ♪
- [YELPS]
- Not at all worth the price ♪
- [YELPS]
So if you take my advice ♪
You'll stay away from
the worst brats in town ♪
Yes. I'm sorry. I'm
not here for an orphan.
Are you sure? Because at your
age, it's either cats or plants,
and neither of them will take
care of you when you're dying.
Ah. [CLEARS THROAT]
No, I'm I'm looking for
this address: 17 Quick Street.
Oh. Course you are.
It's where someone very special lives.
Someone very nice.
Dooley Blight, the butcher. [SIGHS]
He could portion my skirt steak any
day. That's his shop right there.
Just don't you try anything.
If you do, I'll wring your
neck till you breathe no more.
- I'm joking. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES, SNORTS]
- [CHUCKLES]
Yes, well [CHUCKLES] thank you.
I hate me lot in life. [SIGHS]
[TOPHER] And, Josh, with the
completion of this smiley face
upon thy cheek,
you are now officially in the tribe.
[CHEERING, TAMBOURINES JINGLE]
- Groovy.
- Is something wrong?
I could try painting it again.
- Can never get the eyes right.
- No. I just
This whole scene with the face
painting, and the getting naked,
and the closeness to other
humans, it's not really my thing.
Our tribe is about more
than just that, Josh.
We also fight social injustice.
Like taking on Octavius Kratt
and his evil power company.
Boo!
- Octavius Kratt?
- Oh, he's bad news.
- Polluting the environment.
- Man!
Subjecting his employees to
horrible working conditions.
- Cold!
- Okay.
Paying pennies while
he lives like a king.
Busted!
But it's never easy trying
to fight the power, Josh.
We have been getting naked and
telling parables for months,
but for some reason,
nothing has changed.
Well, there's probably more
effective ways to protest.
Sounds like someone needs a
lesson in the power of parables.
- I assure you, I do not.
- And the value of community.
The lamb.
- [WHISTLES]
- Yay!
The lamb! The lamb! The
lamb without a flock!
- What's happening right now?
- The lamb! The lamb!
The lamb without a flock!
- The lamb! The lamb without a flock!
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
There once was a little lamb
who was caged away from other
sheep by a cruel shepherd.
[GRUNTS, CACKLES]
Baa-loney. I do not want to be alone.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, no. I already hate this.
[TOPHER] Then one day,
a kind shepherd happened to cross
this lonely lamb and took pity on him.
The kind shepherd invited the
lonely lamb back to his flock.
Lambie, I think this is the
beginning of a beautiful friendship.
[TRIBESPEOPLE] Aw.
- Okay.
- [TOPHER] But soon,
the cruel shepherd realized
his lamb was missing.
- [YAWNS] One hippopotamus
- [TRIBESPEOPLE BLEATING]
two hippopotamus
Hey! Wait a minute.
[HONKS]
Meanwhile, the lonely lamb was
thriving amongst his new flock.
Made it, Ma! Top of the world!
So, when the cruel shepherd
came to collect his missing ward,
the kind shepherd said to him
- You're out!
- [GROANS]
And so, as the little lamb
decided to stay with his new flock,
a lesson was learned about the power
and joy to be found in community.
You're a good man, see?
Is that a crook in your pocket
or are you just happy to herd me?
Now that's the most ridiculous
parable I ever heard.
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
Well, now I'm gonna blow my brains out.
So, um, what'd you think?
You really did it.
[CHEERING]
- So much energy.
- [GRUNTS]
- The impressions
- Yeah?
truly in the
[STAMMERS] ballpark.
[CHEERING]
But, to be honest, I'm actually
more concerned about Melissa.
I mean, she's gotta be
worried about me, if I'm okay.
[STAMMERS] You guys are
great, but I gotta go find her.
Josh.
You're a wanted man.
You can't go anywhere.
Let's let one of the tribe seek
her out and deliver the good news.
- Alex.
- [GASPS] Oh, happy day!
Everything is gonna be all right, man.
And I've got the perfect
way to lift your spirits.
- Who wants to get naked again?
- [CHEERING, LAUGHING]
- [DOOR CREAKS]
- [GASPS]
[DOOR CREAKS CLOSED]
Hello.
[STAMMERS] You don't know me.
Although, well, I kind of know
you Or another version of you.
Morning, ma'am ♪
Feeling hungry? ♪
- Want a sausage? ♪
- Oh, no.
Can I offer you a link? ♪
Or two? Or three? ♪
For a very modest fee ♪
I confess it's mostly filler ♪
From the miller ♪
Not much to grill or bake or fry ♪
Wonder why ♪
It's my supply ♪
The meat they mete
out's tough and dry ♪
Yes, these are probably
the worst brats in town ♪
So, no, thank you. Uh, I'm Melissa.
And I'm I'm actually here not
for meat, but because Well, so
[INHALES] There's a friend
of a friend. Or No.
- There's a late friend of my alive
- Yes, yes. Get to the point.
My friend had a roommate named
Elsie, and now Elsie's dead.
And your address was in her datebook.
So, I'm just here to see if
you knew her, or didn't, or
or anything you do know, but
Either way, I
I would love it if you
put down the cleaver
while you had a chat with me.
Is that okay to ask?
Elsie's dead, you say?
Yes. I'm sorry.
Was she your girlfriend or
your your daughter? Your
Elsie is [STAMMERS]
- was my daughter's roommate.
- [MELISSA GASPS]
Is your daughter Jenny?
Elsie was kind to me.
She'd check in on occasion and
tell me how my Jenny was doing.
Why can't you check
in on Jenny yourself?
I have my reasons.
It's not a happy story.
There was a butcher ♪
Who had a wife and daughter ♪
And a rich man who led them all ♪
Like lambs to the slaughter ♪
He tried to take the butcher's wife ♪
When she refused, he took her life ♪
Blamed the butcher for the crime ♪
And while he was doing time ♪
His daughter came of age ♪
Forced to perform upon the stage ♪
And to be clear ♪
In this scenario ♪
The butcher is me ♪
But the rich man truly ♪
Will pay for his sins ♪
And this time Dooley
will be the one who wins ♪
For there's a debt that
has yet to be repaid ♪
So my course is set for
the blood and the blade ♪
And the death, sweet death
that will bring relief ♪
From the pain and the passion
and the guilt and the grief ♪
[GRUNTS]
I'll heed the call ♪
Kill them all ♪
Kill them all ♪
[METAL CLANKS, SPLATTER]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
First of all, oh, no.
Uh, but also, I'm
I'm so sorry all of that
happened to you, Mr. Blight.
They'll be sorry soon for what
they did to my wife, Daisy.
The rich man and all
who abetted his deeds.
So [STAMMERS] the rich man.
Would that Would
that be Octavius Kratt?
You know him?
Oh, my gosh.
If If Kratt killed your
wife, I bet he killed Elsie too.
He was at the club that
night. We sat at his table.
[GASPS] I I have to tell the police.
[SCOFFS] The police?
Good luck with getting them to care.
Kratt's got his foul
claws in all of them.
All the more reason for my
cleaver to dispense justice.
I shall call this my justice cleaver.
That's a good name.
Listen, Mr. Blight, I can't help you
with your revenge plans and and I
I absolutely do not
condone "killing them all."
I just think maybe there are
other steps you could take
before you go full Leatherface.
Like, maybe you can reach out
to Jenny. Tell her the truth.
And let her see me as I am now?
Broken, defeated, a ghost
of the man I once was.
No.
I could not bear the
inevitable rejection.
Jenny has no idea I'm out of prison
and back in town. And
she must never know.
[SCOFFS] Got it.
Well, I'll keep an eye
on her for you anyway.
You'd do that for me?
Why?
Let's just say you remind me
of an old friend. [CHUCKLES]
But, in the meantime, let's just
not you kill anyone, okay?
At least until I come
back soon. Which I will.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] As you
were with your brisket
[NORMAL VOICE] Holy shit!
[SIGHS] You gotta
lubricate those hinges.
Hi, there. Are you Melissa?
Yes.
I bring a message from Josh
Wait. Josh? Where is he?
- He wants you to know he's doing fine
- Where is he? I need to see him.
[SIGHS] With all due respect,
I think it would be a lot
"groovier" if you stayed here.
[STAMMERS] Oh, I don't think so,
birthday clown allergic to bras.
You're taking me to him now.
[JOSH CHUCKLING] Man. I don't
know what's in this bread,
but I'm feeling strangely
fine about everything.
That's the magic of the tribe, Josh.
- Oh.
- And of what Michael put in the bread.
- Who? Me?
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa. Hello.
[SCOFFS] Of course.
Hey, Mel. You made it.
Well, this is a new look for you.
The tribe initiated me.
I've got hair now. It's real.
Yeah, well I'm very happy
for you and your new hair.
- And I'm happy you're safe.
- Aw. [STAMMERS]
'Cause what the hell were you
thinking? You broke out of jail?
Okay, yes. That was a big mistake.
But they all really wanted me to do it.
So I kinda got caught up in the moment.
I mean, hippies can be very persuasive.
[MELISSA] Okay. Just so you know.
I've been out there trying to
figure out who really killed Elsie.
- Yeah.
- While you've been getting high
with the flower people. I
mean Did I miss the orgy, dude?
No. No. No. No. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, yes.
But it wasn't really an orgy.
Just everybody getting naked.
But it was more like locker room naked.
- You know, it's
- I I'm sorry. I screwed up.
But I'm wide awake now.
I am aware of what's at stake.
I won't go rogue again. Deal?
- Okay, yeah. Whatever. All right.
- Yeah. You're the best. Mmm.
- Who's the square?
- [JOSH CHUCKLES]
Hey, everybody.
I want to introduce you
to my old lady, Melissa.
Well, not old. [CHUCKLES]
Hi there.
Thank you all for taking
care of Josh, my old man.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES] Okay.
I just, you know I'm
definitely I'm not square.
- Try some of our magical bread.
- No. No, thank you.
- I'm good on magic bread. [CHUCKLES]
- I'll have some.
- No, no, no. You're good.
- No. Oh.
I'm not gonna have any.
[MELISSA] It's not 'cause I'm not
cool, okay? [CHUCKLES] I'm very cool.
Oh, you know what? Actually. Idea.
Talk about lettin' it
all hang out, right?
- Ooh.
- Okay. You know. Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. I'm doing it. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Whoo! Yeah! Guess what?
Oh! Whoo-ha! And that was a
$68 Wacoal underwire. [CHUCKLES]
But you know what? Sometimes
you just gotta say, "heck it."
Shooby dooby! Am I right? Yes.
Who's with me? She is, right?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You.
Talk about a drag. And I don't
mean the kind you take off joints.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- [MELISSA] You know what?
I don't even care that you
guys don't like me. Right?
'Cause it's not high school.
And I don't need to be
part of your dumb club.
I just came to get my husband,
so he can turn himself in to the police
before his big day in court tomorrow.
Right, Josh?
That's right. Sorry, everybody.
Duty calls.
- We're gonna miss you, man.
- [JOSH] Oh, man.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Good luck in court, Josh.
Thanks, Topher.
I hope you find that "doorway to where."
- Oh, brother. I love you.
- I love you.
- Oh, man, I love you.
- That's good.
- [BOTH GRUNT]
- I think that's a good long hug.
- Hmm?
- Come on.
Man.
Bye, everybody.
- Thanks again so much for the company.
- [TRIBESPEOPLE] Bye. Bye, Josh.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
And the drugs.
- [MELISSA] Okay.
- [JOSH] Bye.
- Nope. Hey. This way.
- We're going this way.
[SPECTATORS MURMURING]
Of course he did it.
He just waltzes into town
and suddenly the blood of
a showgirl is on his hands?
Exactly. Only a guilty man
would break out of prison.
Jazz.
Okay, I've got a feeling this
is not gonna be a fair trial.
[JENNY] Hi.
[WHISPERING] Hi.
- Where is Bobby?
- I don't know.
I gotta let her know the
real killer has to be Kratt.
[EXPLOSION]
[ALL GASPING]
- [SPECTATOR] Oh, wow.
- Wow.
Sorry I'm late. I hope
there aren't any
[JURORS GASPING]
objections.
Your Honor, may I approach the bench?
I wish you would.
Watch this, kid.
If it pleases the court ♪
And I know that I do ♪
There's something that
I simply must address ♪
I have heard a report
and I swear it's not true ♪
About the secret to my great success ♪
So I am here to set
the record straight ♪
There are just two
methods that I use ♪
To help me litigate ♪
Bells and whistles ♪
Will get 'em off ♪
Although the purists, they may scoff ♪
All you need are ♪
Bells and whistles ♪
To win the case ♪
Though other jurists may
say you're a disgrace ♪
The prosecution, they may rest ♪
Convinced that they
have done their best ♪
Then I start blowin' ♪
I start clangin' ♪
One more Joe avoids a hangin' ♪
Bells and whistles ♪
Are all you need ♪
Plus a comprehensive
knowledge of the law ♪
[CLAMORING]
[MOUTHING] Plus a
comprehensive knowledge ♪
Of the ♪
Thank you to the judge
and members of the jury ♪
I'll try to make this brief ♪
'Cause I know you're in a hurry ♪
See, my client, the defendant
Dr. Joshua D Skinner ♪
He was merely at the club to
take his darling wife to dinner ♪
He stumbled on the body of
Miss Elsie, the decedent ♪
And you may jump to conclusions
the fact is that you needn't ♪
The prima facie evidence
though it's an avalanche ♪
Will be expressly and
indubitably proven circumstantial ♪
The testimony's hearsay
and it reeks of retribution ♪
So what we have is nothing
but malicious prosecution ♪
And a verdict of not guilty
is the only just solution ♪
[MOUTHING] Pew. [CHUCKLES]
Bells and whistles are all you need ♪
Plus a comprehensive knowledge ♪
The kind you get in college ♪
A comprehensive knowledge of the law ♪
I certainly hope this
won't be a split decision.
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
[GAVEL KNOCKING]
- Does the jury need time to deliberate?
- Absolutely not, Your Honor.
We, the jury, unanimously find Bobby
Flanagan to be absolutely stunning
and Josh Skinner
innocent of all charges.
[ALL GASP, MURMUR]
Case adjourned!
- I'll drink to that!
- [SPECTATORS CHEERING]
[GRUNTS] We did it!
[CHUCKLES] You're free!
- [SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
Uh, w This is a happy ending.
We've got our happy ending.
Yes! You're right!
Let's get the hell out of here
before anything else happens.
You swore everyone would blame him ♪
And that you could easily frame him ♪
But your plot was all for naught ♪
- Sorry, Mr. Kratt.
- We did the best we could.
Why am I flanked by fools? ♪
Idiots and women who
won't play by my rules ♪
First there was the butcher's
wife and now this Elsie Vale ♪
Why must my quest to find a wife ♪
Always, always fail? ♪
O, dear God up above ♪
Why did you make me ♪
So difficult to love? ♪
Why do I want the women
who don't want me? ♪
I only want the women
who don't want me ♪
I have to have the
women who don't want me ♪
And thus it always ends in tragedy ♪
Well, well, well ♪
Perhaps we've found a winner ♪
I must say she's intriguing ♪
This Melissa Skinner ♪
I believe she goes by Gimble ♪
Perhaps this all will
turn out for the best ♪
Maybe this one will be
smarter than the rest ♪
And I will no longer be alone ♪
Maybe we can kill two
birds with one stone ♪
Maybe we can kill two birds with one ♪
Birds with one ♪
Birds with one stone ♪
Flooby wabba noody ♪
Rizzo Cha Cha Doody ♪
Flooby nooby wicky ♪
Zuko 'n Kenickie ♪
Join in the cosmic cantata ♪
Open your soul to a world that's new ♪
It's time to revel in the revelation ♪
Pay tribute to the tribulation ♪
The universe believes in you ♪
And we do too!
There's poverty, war, and injustice ♪
Bigotry, hatred, and greed and fear ♪
Too many people dying in the street ♪
Fighting for a bite to eat ♪
The answer is crystal clear ♪
So lend an ear!
- Everyone's gotta get naked ♪
- We're getting naked ♪
- Get back to the way we were born ♪
- Back to the day we were born ♪
The only solution ♪
A love revolution ♪
Let's get back to the way ♪
Back to the day ♪
Back to the way we were born ♪
Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta ♪
Gotta get naked ♪
Gotta get naked ♪