Schooled (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s, there was no more inspirational sports movie than "Rudy.
" His story gave hope to little guys everywhere.
Rudy makes me feel like I can do anything.
It's like Rudy feels on the inside what I look like on the outside.
Sorry, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, there's a new crush in town.
I don't know.
Rudy seems pretty shy.
I could reach him.
[Locker rattles.]
[Gasping.]
Air! Need air! Toby Murphy? How long have you been in there? This time? Hard to tell.
Come on.
Ooh.
I know your Aunt Julie, you know? Spectacular lady.
We go to the same gym.
A bit of a sweater, but always very courteous about wiping down the equipment.
Ronnie do this to you? I would never tattle on a teammate.
I'm gonna kick his butt.
And you're not his teammate 'cause you're not on the team.
No, I-I can be if you just give me a shot.
I memorized the whole playbook.
I've even been working up a few new plays where my sickly muscle tone won't be a disadvantage.
Well, I appreciate the enthusiasm.
You're a good kid.
But you're too damn small.
I'm working on that, too.
I've been mixing bone meal with my Capri Sun, and I heard there's a place in Chinatown where they stretch you.
Toby, if a thousand gypsy-moths flew around unconvincingly in the shape of a boy, I would put them on the team before you.
Now, let's go.
Hey, Ronnie here? I want to bust his muscular hump for being mean to this little garden gnome.
Shh.
[Inspirational music plays.]
Why are you showing Notre Dame game film? Somebody accidentally tape over your copy of "Patch Adams"? You've never seen "Rudy"? The inspiring true story of the small kid who got to play for Notre Dame? They let that twerp play? Kid looks like the dancing baby from that "Ally McBeal" show.
Well, sit down and watch as Sean Astin does for football what Robin Williams did for hospital clowning.
So, Coach Mellor sat down with a skeptical heart, and an hour later [Chanting.]
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! - [Cheering.]
- he realized, perhaps for the first time, that the small and the weak had dreams of their own.
Toby, you're on the team! What? Seriously, Coach? Yeah, seriously, Coach? Is this one of those Make-A-Wish deals? Ronnie, you may be big and athletic, but your massive shoulders have left little room for heart.
Well, this tiny goofball has got more heart than all of you put together! We'll see you at practice, Toby Murphy.
I'm gonna be a Quaker! Yes! Oh, I'm lightheaded.
[Breathes heavily.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Grunts.]
Can someone help me put the straw in my Capri Sun? Try the pointy side.
Oh.
See that? He's coachable! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was October 9th, 1990-something, and I was enjoying some precious girl-talk with my homegirl, Erica Goldberg.
ERICA: You and Barry together still baffles me.
You're so fun and he's, like, this boring radiologist.
He's a romantic radiologist.
He sent me a lung X-ray with a malignancy he said looks like me.
Lainey, the great thing about a mobile phone is that you can take it anywhere.
For example, not in my office.
Ooh, is that Glascott? Is he still rockin' the sweater vest? Mm-hmm.
Maroon under a wool blazer.
I guess his middle gets cold.
Please stop talking about my cold middle and take your Doc Martens off of my Word-of-the-Day calendar.
It's very churlish of you.
I am so excited for our girls' weekend.
A seaweed wrap followed by the best foursome in R&B Boyz II Men.
Lain, I don't know how to tell you this, but, um, I can't go.
But we do spa day and boy band every year.
Last year, both the band and the sauna were 98 Degrees.
Sorry.
My mom is throwing a party that night for her half-birthday.
Beverly Goldberg strikes again.
- But I get it.
Bye.
- Bye.
- [Telephone beeps.]
- [Groans.]
Erica bailed.
Now I have to find someone else who's down for hot stones and cool jams.
Those are the words of someone leaving, and yet, here you are settling in.
With Erica living three states away, I don't really have anyone to hang out and girl-talk with.
Except you, John.
And not even really me.
I think you should find someone who has a more confident take on the relative kissability of Jared Leto vs.
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Leo all the way.
I felt the same way, just not as strongly.
I've never had a hard time making girlfriends before.
I've always been kind of a chick magnet, but most of the women around here are so much older.
Not sure I want a friendship where I have to drive you to your appointments.
What about Wilma Howell? She's young and can probably still drive at night.
Yes.
I'll ask Wilma to be my new best friend and have her on this weekend with me.
Maybe just ask her if she wants to have lunch.
Look at you, giving excellent girlfriend advice.
And don't worry, whatever happens with Wilma, we'll always have us.
[Chuckles.]
I know that's not a threat but it feels like one.
Whoa.
You can slow down there, Toby.
I don't think cafeteria meat has an expiration date.
I need to bulk up.
There's a scrimmage today, and as of right now, my jersey looks like a choir robe with a number on it.
Speaking of choir, that is a cool extracurricular that doesn't involve the risk of injury, as long as you care for your instrument.
Ming, mong, Ming, mong, Ming, mong, Ming, mong, moong Ming, mong [Chuckles.]
Hi, Wilma! Mind if I join you? Actually, I'm not really eating.
Me either.
What I've actually got an appetite for is getting to know fellow lady-teacher Wilma Howell.
Who is she? What makes her tick? You noticed my tic? My eye gets twitchy when someone invades my personal space.
All I see are those awesome lashes.
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.
Yeah, that's nice, but I'd rather watch mold grow.
Wow, message received.
[Chuckles.]
But ignored.
I am not easily discouraged.
No, I seriously have to watch this mold grow.
I'm prepping samples for my first big school-wide presentation to get kids excited about biology.
This cafeteria is a hotbed for airborne spores.
Oh, you don't have to sell me.
I eat here every day.
In fact, I really oughta wash my hands so I don't contaminate my samples while they're getting contaminated.
- What What are you doing? - I'm going to the bathroom with you.
That's where girlfriends go to dish and gossip.
Sure, and we can talk about that weird woman who tries to follow people to the bathroom.
Ooh.
She sounds creepy.
[Chuckles lightly.]
Oh.
Listen, Lainey, I'm just not into that whole gal-pal thing, especially with people I work with.
Truth is, from an evolutionary perspective, having female friends doesn't serve any biological purpose.
[Singsong.]
Unless you need a tampon.
There goes my eye again.
But I wasn't gonna give up.
So, after school, I followed Wilma to see if I could make friends with her out in the real world.
Meanwhile, CB went to football practice - to keep an eye on Toby.
- [Whistle blows.]
All right, team, huddle up! We're gonna run Blue 76 Fullback Swing.
Toby, you're the quarterback's first look on the strong side.
You mean on the blind side 'cause he'll be scrambling left away from the pass rush.
Ha! The rookie knows his stuff.
While you guys were all out having fun and dating, he was at home, completely alone, studying the plays.
- Let's go! - [Whistle blows.]
Break! You're giving Toby the ball? Oh, boy.
He'll do great, exactly like Rudy.
Should have shown you "Lucas.
" It's a more accurate portrayal of a small boy who gets tackled and winds up in the hospital, clinging to life.
When CB got nervous, he juggled.
[Whistle blows.]
Set, hut! Oh, my God! He caught it! [Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
Run, Toby, run! Yaaah! Yeah! He dodged him! He do Whew! - Whoo! - He scored! - [Clapping.]
- I can't believe it.
Boo-yah! Believe it, baby! I was wrong, Coach.
What you did here is a testament to encouraging children to dream.
It's a great moment.
I doff my cap to thee.
And you ruined it! Did I do okay, Coach? You did awesome.
You really sold it.
"Sold it"? Sold what? I almost forgot not to tackle him.
I see something so small and defenseless and I want to crush it.
[Both chuckle.]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you'd do this.
- You fake-Rudy'd him? - Exactly.
I just gave that boy the best moment he'll have in his life until he's at least, I'm guessing, 26.
Ha.
What element makes up 65% of the human body? - [Buzzer.]
- Oxygen.
And it's actually 65.
4.
- [Bell dings.]
- Right again.
And thank you as always for your very public correction.
Couldn't do it without your very public inaccuracies.
And you said you didn't have any female friends.
Did you follow me here? Meh, who's to say who followed who, you know? I am.
I'm saying you followed me.
Can I get a Bahama Mama, but instead of the orange slice, can I just get extra rum? Thank you.
TRIVIA HOST: What star of "The Breakfast Club" was in the original cast of "Facts of Life"? Tootie? - [Buzzer.]
- Molly Ringwald.
- [Bell dings.]
- Correct! - "Tootie"? Seriously? - I'm sorry.
My brain isn't stuffed full of useless pop-culture fluff.
But mine is, which would make us the perfect teammates, the Salt-N-Pepa of trivia.
No idea who that is.
Exactly why you need me.
Fine.
You missed the whole point of "Rudy.
" Rudy earned his moment of glory.
It wasn't just handed to him.
Waa-waa.
Nobody cares about that.
What Rudy did on the field is the reason they turned his story into a beautiful movie about sports triumph.
Our little Toby just got to taste the sweet nectar of victory.
What's he gonna taste in a real game when all his face holes get smashed in? Won't happen.
Saturday is our last game, and I'm gonna keep him on the bench.
But he'll always have the memory of today's glory as he slogs through the next 50 years as a wimpy nobody, trying to brighten his day with kooky ties.
Ah, really? We're going there, Mr.
Short Shorts? TOBY: Coach Mellor! Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
- [Chuckles.]
- Toby's Aunt Julie.
Oh, please, just call me Julie.
- Julie.
- I got here early to pick up Toby and I saw that last amazing play.
I took the rock to the house! Sure did, buddy.
All you.
Will Toby be playing on Saturday, too? I wasn't gonna come, but if Toby is playing, I'd love to see it, and maybe afterwards, we could go out for pizza and you and I could catch up.
Of course he's playing.
You saw him take it to the house, all on his own there.
- Well, we'll see you Saturday.
- Okay.
Holy crap, that got away from me.
I might have just killed Toby.
Well, on the bright side, at least you can bring Aunt Julie as a date to the funeral.
Wilma and I were vastly different people, but those very differences made us an awesome team.
- [Buzzer.]
- Uranium-235.
- [Bell dings.]
- Blink-182.
- [Bell dings.]
- Johannes Diderik van der Waals.
- [Bell dings.]
- James Van Der Beek.
- [Bell dings.]
- The identification of chromosomes as the carriers of genetic material as stated in the Boveri-Sutton theory! - [Bell dings.]
- Pogs.
- Correct answer! - Mm! Time to tally up the score and announce our winner.
Winners.
That would be us.
I'm so glad you stalked me here tonight.
If we win, I probably won't even call the cops on you.
Listen, I have an extra ticket to a show.
Do you want to go to Philly with me for the weekend to have a spa day and see Boyz II Men? That sounds really nice, but I don't even know that group.
"I'll Make Love to You.
" I think you may have different expectations for this friendship than I do.
No, that's one of their hits.
Like Motown Philly's back again Doing a little east-coast fling Da-da-da Going off Not too hard, not too soft That's Boyz II Men? Oh, I do know them.
I'm in! Yes! Motown Philly's back again CB: Really stressed about this.
You can't let Toby play on Saturday.
I also can't let the kid down.
- Or his aunt.
- Mm-hmm.
Eh, you made me lose count of my blueberries.
Look, it's better to break Toby's heart than all the bones in his body, okay? It is our job as teachers to deliver hard truths to these kids.
Coach, check it out.
Oh.
It's a Toby-sized Letterman jacket.
Is that the one they made for our halftime monkey before those wet blankets at PETA shut us down? I'm the one who reported that.
Monkey seemed so sad.
I'm just so proud to wear it.
CB, you had some hard truth you wanted to dump on Toby? Yes.
That jacket is dry-clean only.
- Could get pretty pricy.
- Worth it.
And plus, I've never felt so popular before.
And I've even seen a downward trend in my pantsings.
The only question is do we get our cheesesteaks before or after the pedicures? During.
We don't eat with our feet.
Ding! Correct answer.
[Laughs.]
Well, look at you two.
Do I hear friendship bells? Ooh.
Friendship Belles.
That should be our new name for trivia night.
Nothing makes me happier than when my teachers grow very close with someone other than me.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
Look at the way he's eating his yogurt.
Just like the guy from last night.
Right? - Soupy! - Soupy! - [Chuckles.]
- You know what? I'm gonna go eat in my office.
Yogurt should be private.
[Telephone rings.]
- [Telephone beeps.]
- Hello? Erica, what's up, girl? Your mom's party's been canceled? There's rain in the forecast and the doves refuse to work wet.
Your mom must be out of her mind.
Who is she taking it out on? At the moment, Al Roker.
But the good news is that I'm back in for Boyz II Men.
So, now you can do this weekend? Um the thing is, actually, I It's okay.
Don't worry about me.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, just go with your friend.
- I feel bad.
- Yeah, don't.
All right.
I guess I'll see you on Friday.
[Chuckles.]
Girls II Boyz II Men.
Yay.
- [Chuckles lightly.]
- [Telephone beeps.]
Sorry about that.
Erica's my oldest friend and I asked her first.
Makes perfect sense.
But you are officially my coolest friend because you are being so cool about all this, which is so cool.
Cool.
Oh, my God.
Check out that girl dipping her fries in her chocolate milk, just like Dippy last night.
Do you remember Dippy? I should get to class.
Wait, come on.
Eh, Soupy's date.
Dippy.
Dippy! Listen, last night was great.
Trivia, Soupy.
Let's just be good with that and not try to make more of it.
CB! Come on in here.
I got some good news.
I figured out a way to get this kid to play Saturday without having to rename the field "Toby Murphy Memorial Stadium.
" Thank God.
I was so stressed.
I had to juggle it out all morning.
You can't put that little nose hair on the field, Coach.
It's the last game of the season.
I-I got scouts coming.
My whole troop.
We're gonna run one play, and it goes like this.
It's called the Red Dog 86 Omaha Don't Let Toby Die.
Oh, I feel very uncomfortable with this.
So, this is another big fake-out, like when we let Toby think he scored a touchdown? Exactly.
We just give him the ball and then we move him downfield like a herd of elephants guarding a tiny, useless duckling.
So, this has all been a lie? Toby.
Well, okay, the touchdown, maybe, but that feeling it gave you, that moment of glory that was real.
I didn't ask for glory.
I asked for a shot to be part of the team.
And now I see I'm just a joke.
You're not a joke.
No.
I'm a duckling.
Okay, I'm bummed.
You bummed? So bummed.
Let's go do some reps.
- Yeah.
- [Exhales sharply.]
[Exhales sharply.]
That's the last time I do something completely selfless.
Selfless? You weren't even thinking about Toby.
Seems to me like you were more interested in grabbing a pizza with Aunt Julie.
That's ridiculous.
I have zero interest in empty carbs.
You got some soul-searching to do, brother.
I'm gonna leave you with these.
Good luck.
With Erica back in on our girls' weekend, I tried to score an extra ticket for Wilma.
Are seats five or eight available? And if not, what is your age limit on lap babies? - Forget it.
- [Telephone beeps.]
Do you ever have days where everyone is annoying you? I do.
Why are you in my office? I thought I successfully pawned you off on Wilma? I'm worried I blew that friendship.
No! Erica Goldberg suddenly became available for our girls' weekend.
And you kicked poor Wilma to the curb? She said it was fine.
We always say it's fine when a friend callously brushes us aside, but the heart feels what the mouth won't say.
I was trying to protect Erica because she is my oldest friend.
Which is why it's okay to treat her like crap.
This new friendship with Wilma is fragile and needs nurturing, - and I want this for you both.
- Me too.
I'm gonna go figure out a way to make this up to her.
Oh, hi.
Julie.
Aunt Julie.
Are you looking for Toby? I'm not sure if he has any more dreams available to crush, but he loves that bike if you want to slash the tires.
Please don't.
Come in, Coach.
I was just opening up a Lunchable.
We'll be in the sitting room.
I feel bad about what I did to you.
It was not okay.
So here's eight bucks.
I think that's fair.
You tricked me and made me a laughing stock at school.
[Inhales deeply.]
As a teacher, you want to tell your kids they can do anything they set their mind to, but sometimes, that's just a crock.
Look, I've always wanted to be a jockey, but unfortunately, I'm six feet of solid tiger meat.
But I really love football.
And you can still be a part of it.
I'm about to pay you the highest compliment possible.
Toby, I think you could be a coach.
I mean, I'm looking at some of the plays you've drawn up.
There's a lot of smart strategy here.
Maybe someday.
But I've always had my heart set on playing a real game, just once.
Okay, pal.
I owe you.
You're going out on that field on Saturday, and the reason it's gonna work is we're running one of your plays.
Remember how I said I wasn't in this for the glory? I would very much like some glory, please.
That's 'cause you're a red-blooded American.
Hey.
Could you use these for your project? I'm doing a presentation on mold, not hot dog buns that someone has scribbled on with green marker.
Well, it was supposed to be kind of a peace offering.
Shouldn't you be in Philly with Erica, getting Shiatsu'd with a belly full of cheesesteak? I didn't go.
I gave Erica both tickets.
I just couldn't enjoy myself after how I treated you.
I'm actually grateful because you reminded me why I'm not so keen on girlfriends.
So much more relaxing spending my free time with Aspergillus fumigatus.
She's reliable, self-sufficient, and we both like hanging out in my bathtub.
But can she drive you to the airport or hold your hair when you're vomiting? No, but she can make you vomit.
Very toxic.
And then penicillin will fix you right up.
That's the wild ride mold takes you on.
Look, I like you, Wilma, and I don't seem to make friends easily anymore.
So, when I decide it's happening, I do not take no for an answer.
Ask around.
I-I'm as hard to get rid of as that gross thing growing on that toothbrush.
- Ulocladium.
- Whatever it is.
I hope the students appreciate the awesomeness of what you have done here.
When do your doors open? Two hours ago.
It's been kind of a soft opening.
Because you need me to generate buzz.
Come on.
We made a heck of a team doing trivia.
We already have your science brains.
- Now all we need is my - Useless fluff? I was going to saw showmanship, but sure.
- ["Motownphilly" plays.]
- [Laughs.]
Moldtown Philly's back again And so, with some assistance from the Quaker's Dozen, I helped my friend Wilma find a way to get kids sold on mold.
going off Makes salami hard, makes cheese soft Meanwhile, it was down to the wire at the big game.
We're running Toby's special play.
You guys know how this goes? - We got it, Coach.
- "Team" on three.
- One, two, three - ALL: Team! - [Cheers and applause.]
- They're putting Toby in? Um does anyone have any harlequin balls, uh, Indian clubs, anything one can juggle? Any Ma'am? Blue 90! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Wait, "Rudy"? It's a pity play.
They're gonna throw it to that little twerp.
Get him! Both Toby and Wilma were in totally uncharted waters, but they also realized if your friends have your back, you can accomplish some pretty big things.
So many types of mold going off Set, hut! Here, here! With the defense tricked into guarding Toby, - Ronnie was free to run it in.
- [Cheers and applause.]
So, even tough Toby didn't actually score the touchdown - or even touch the ball - [Whistle blows.]
it was his moment of glory because his sneaky play won the game.
It worked! Yes! - Yeah! - [Cheers and applause.]
[Chanting.]
Toby! Toby! [Crowd chanting.]
Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby! It was a joyful reminder for the Rudy in all of us to never give up on our dreams.
[Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" plays.]
Moldtown Philly's back again Doin' a little fungal thing Lots of mold goin' off Makes salami hard Makes cheese soft It's long overdue, but now the fridge needs cleanin' Boyz II Men, toss that meat, spray that bleach Protect your family Should I keep this beet? Nah It's stinkin' up South Street Jet black mold, fruit got old And all the Philly steaks smell like feet Back in school, we used to learn about mold every day Should I keep on scrubbing? Or does mildew fade away? Yeah So we started brushing until the grout was smooth Then we rinsed it off and here we are Cleanin' it just for you Ah Boyz II Men B-B-Boyz II Men