Scrubs s02e03 Episode Script

-Whowants another beer? - I gotta work early tomorrow.
I'm having fun, except I had a pizza - Elliot.
- Yes, please.
- Me too, babe.
- I'll give you a hand.
When you spend most of your time in a group, if you're left alone, it can get awkward.
There can be uncomfortable silences.
That was my tummy.
Right.
Dr Murphy, describe the presentation of Ludwig's Angina.
It's nothing compared to the silence you hear at work.
Proud to have you on board, son.
I'm sending one of you to an AMA conference where you will eat free food, stay at a nice hotel, and try not to embarrass this hospital.
I drew a name out of a hat, and that name was Elliot Reid.
Yes! I never win at anything.
Then I thought Who cares what I thought? The point is, you're not going.
You see, it seems as though you lazybones have forgotten my edict about residents publishing case reports.
Whoever brings me the most interesting case gets the ticket to Reno.
You know, sir, my parents live in Reno.
That's great, sport.
I'm sure you'll see them over Christmas.
Criminy.
Not many things make the chief of medicine move fast, but when a patient has the same name as a wing of the hospital, you can predict Kelso's behaviour.
Would you like it high up on the cheek or do you prefer this fleshy part in the middle? I'm trying to decide who's the most detestable suck-up here.
You, this feminine guy with the perm Mom, please.
or the one in the corner who can't stop daydreaming.
- I'm sorry, what? - Great.
Another sycophant.
Listen, Molly Menopause.
I need you to quiet the hell down.
You're scaring everyone in the hospital.
They're delivering a baby and it's using the umbilical cord to crawl back in.
- Now, you listen to me - I mean it, sister.
OK.
From now on he's my doctor.
The rest of you can get out of here.
Scram.
Wait.
Is that easy to manage? OK.
I'm Dr Cox.
This is my Gal Friday.
She'll help me to take care of you.
But before we get underway, we need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.
Drop the macho act now.
They're gone.
Act-schmact.
The lips stay zipped.
Zipped-schmipped.
I thought we were riffing.
- We're not.
- Well, aren't you delicious? If I were 20 years younger and tipsy, this might be your lucky day.
Careful there, sweetcheeks.
I haven't decided which way to take your temperature yet.
She had some real old-fashioned sass.
You don't see sass like that anymore.
- Stop saying "sass.
" - Sass.
Dr Cox, I have a patient with blennorrhea.
Do you think that's interesting enough to present to Dr Kelso? I'm sorry, Nervous Guy, but I can't do your work for you.
So head to the library and look it up in the New England Journal of "Who Gives a Rat's Ass"? Leave this instant, this second, this moment.
Just go.
Boy.
Tell me this, muffin.
You're not gonna be like these mindless drones trying to turn the sniffles into something more fascinating just so you're selected to go to this stupid conference, are you? I felt I knew the right answer.
- No? - Oh, good girl.
Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 1 06 and the next time you place an lV and hit the vein on the first try, I will crack open a bottle of bubbly.
I mean, my God, woman.
The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
- What? - lsn't he the blind fella? - You mean Ray Charles.
- Dammit.
Anyway, you're incompetent.
Easy, Laverne.
You're a saved woman.
Don't worry.
Tomorrow is his wedding anniversary.
Why's that matter? Tomorrow, Bob Kelso will be sweeter than flowers dipped in honey.
Which is why every year we use this time as an opportunity to ask him for anything our department needs.
- Like equipment.
- Or an extra nurse on weekends.
Or a Slip 'N Slide.
Who's with me? - Shut up.
- I don't get it, Dr Wen.
Why would Kelso's anniversary make him less of a jerk? Well, tonight after work, Dr Kelso will take his wife to a candlelit dinner.
Then, after they've toasted to 40 wonderful years together, they'll go home and I think it's sweet that at their age they still Then, bam! Dr Wen points to me and now guess who has to ask Dr Kelso for a new argon laser tomorrow? - I'm sorry, baby.
- I'm out of here.
- All right.
- Damn argon laser.
Think we'd hang out if it weren't for JD and Turk? Probably not.
They are the one thing we have most in common.
We have a lot in common.
We have a hard time digesting dairy.
You're right.
Do you want to be my maid of honour? I don't know why you're trying to force this.
We're fine.
I gotta get back to work.
We both work.
So, have you found any cool cases yet? Muffin, I'm not gonna run around like you mindless drones trying to turn the sniffles into something fascinating so you can go to some stupid conference.
Schmonference.
It's fun to rhyme! It's an amazing networking opportunity.
Doesn't matter, cos I've got it wrapped up.
- Something better than blennorrhea? - Doug, you would not believe it.
And as you can see, the ass is on the front.
Front butt.
It's like the grail.
Did you say something, Mr Too-Scared-To-Get-ln-The-Game? Don't get sucked in.
You know, I have an interesting patient, too.
So basically, Mr Davis, you received a blunt trauma to the fibrous tissue of the corpus cavernosum.
Great, and that means? You broke your penis.
I can't wait to get my cast signed.
Yeah, I gotta tell you, it's such an unusual case.
Would you mind if I get it published in a medical journal? That would be fantastic.
I'll let you mull it over.
And smile, Mr Davis.
Tomorrow's gonna be a better day for everyone.
Dr Kelso, happy anniversary.
Excuse me, sir.
Carla, I figured out why we don't hang out more.
That's great, pins and needles, but I'm prepping a patient for surgery.
She's my patient too.
I traded with Doug so we could talk.
- Are you two friends? - We're about to be.
My God.
You're stuck on your first impression, that I am some spoiled brat.
Elliot, not now, OK? When I was a kid I was close with my maid.
That's it.
So you think that you totally get my whole experience because of the Latina woman who cleaned your house? - Our maid was white.
- What was her name? Consuela.
You know I don't always say the right thing.
You also know how hard I'm trying, so, we have nothing in common.
I only have things in common with nice people.
You two realise I can still hear you, right? If paediatrics needs a new bronchoscope, you'll get one.
Love to the wife and kidlets.
Who's next? Do me a favour.
Hold my place in line.
- For how long? - I don't know.
Well, why? What do you have to do? Nothing.
I might just veg.
Try me.
I can do it with anything.
- Go away.
- Go ashmay.
- All right, try this one - Angie, put on your flats.
- We're going for a walk.
- Eat shmit and die.
Around here, life can be full of surprises.
Some are as simple as forgetting something you were supposed to ask for.
Dr Kelso! Is he gone? Some are so unexpected that everyhing else takes a back seat.
Sorry, I don't know what kind of surgery you're having.
I'm getting big fake breasts.
Some you'd never thought you'd hear.
Newbie, I don't tell you I respect you a lot becauseI don't.
I know.
The fact you're not jumping through Kelso's hoops like these peons Yes, you.
Forever you, a thousand times you.
Move.
Move it.
Anyway, let's make pretend it's your birthday, because Ah, hell, I'm impressed.
Let's get some coffee.
This is great.
There's only one problem.
Ten minutes ago What the hell.
Use me in your case report.
I'm going to Reno.
Beg your pardon, Newbie.
What are you thinking? - Not about Reno.
- Attagirl.
Let's go.
With every sip of the coffee Dr Cox bought me, I could taste my own hypocrisy.
Thank God my hypocrisy missed me.
I wanted you to stand in line for me cos I need a new mop.
The floors are slippery cos this one doesn't work.
- You know why it doesn't work? - It's out of mop gas? No.
Cos it's so old it won't soak up water.
See? Something in that filthy mop water woke me up.
I decided I could have my cake and eat it too.
Dr Cox would never know.
What do you say, Bridge Club? How you feeling? Like crap.
What the hell's wrong with me? Your abdominal pains suggest biliary disease, but your tests came back negative, so we don't know.
But don't worry.
Dr Cox and I never say die.
Unless someone actually dies.
Then we're forced to by law.
- He's talking again.
- Oh, come on.
The kid's OK.
"The kid"? This is great.
Why haven't I heard your name before? I've only been here a year, and he's just started calling me "the kid.
" - Which I love.
- She's talking to me.
You should be more than an attending.
- Let me make a phone call.
- I'm not so good with handouts.
I'm only putting in a good word.
Bubby, if you want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get some rest? If you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you to a talkie.
I could do naughty things to that man.
Uncomfortable.
- You're getting fake breasts? - Stripper big.
Forgive me, Mrs Kellerman, but why wait until now to do this? - Cos you're so old.
- Yeah, Elliot, she gets that.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sure she gets it all the time.
Look, I've been self-conscious my whole life and I finally got the courage.
Can you honestly say there's nothing you'd change about yourself? - I can honestly say that.
- Me too.
- Then you're both liars.
- Hey, Mrs K.
Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.
To hell with this "there's only one day to ask Kelso" thing.
Shoot, I'm getting that argon laser today.
Dr Kelso So uncalled - What? - Nothing.
- And you? - I don't want anything from you.
That's what my son says, but when Mother's Day rolls around, guess who wants to go halfsies on a pasta pot for Enid? She's not my mother, dammit.
And don't think I've forgotten that you have yet to turn in a case report.
You have until six.
You can't just change your mind.
I'm sorry.
Did I pass out from the pain in my penis and suddenly we're not in America anymore? Crap.
- What's this? - It's a mop.
Yeah, I got that.
I mean, why'd you get it for me? Cos I thought it would be nice.
Why? Don't you like it? Well? Hang on.
Man, today could not get any worse.
If you were to change one thing about my appearance, what would it be? You're testing me.
I get it.
You know I don't like you talking to God when we're trying to have a discussion.
Now, if I were to be really honest with myself, I would change everything.
What do you think? Why don't we just skip what I think and jump right ahead to not having sex for a month? Are all women this crazy? I hate my cheeks.
Suck them in.
I'll take some of that.
That's right, work it baby.
Now you're smoking.
God, I'm hideous.
Good news, Mrs Warner.
We got a pretty good idea what's going on So I don't have a case to present.
At least this way we get to stay a team.
It turns out the EGD showed multiple erosive peptic ulcers, and the secretin injection test was positive, which suggests you have gastrinomatous Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome.
In English, please.
Your stomach acid is eroding your own intestines.
It's remarkable.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Newbie, you? - No.
I realised Mrs Warner was the most interesting case in the hospital.
The whole thing's treatable.
We're going to step outside and then we'll get underway.
- Newbie, what do you say? - I had to go for it.
If you give me a second, I wanna ask Mrs Warner something.
- What? - To marry me.
Come on, heel toe.
What do you say, kid? Mrs Warner, would you give me permission to present your case to be published in a medical journal so that I might be chosen to go to an AMA conference? - Sure, why not? - Thanks.
Excuse me.
Dr Kelso, can I have a minute of your time? Oh, for God's sake, son.
I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday, but then Hold up.
How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp? How can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp? - Sir, you lied to us.
- I'm Bob Kelso.
Nice to meet you.
Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year.
Get out of my eye line.
Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks.
How about I don't? And how about you help me out and I won't tell anybody about this? Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff every single day.
Fat camp.
Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting thinner is my wallet.
- Is JD here? - No, it's just me.
I guess I'll just wait too.
- Crap.
- Fine.
I'll wait outside.
No, I was talking to my hair.
If it's even the least bit humid, all of a sudden I'm Doctor J.
Is he in radiology? Yeah.
Carla, you know, I would kill for your hair.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I would kill for your legs.
- I would kill for your lips.
I'd kill for that wagon you're draggin'.
- That's your butt.
- Thank you.
- Wagon? - Draggin'.
I won! Thank you, Mrs Warner! In your face! In your face! In your -face.
- Congratulations.
You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno.
Remember when you are prancing in front of the judges to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high, Iike the proud puppy that you are.
When it comes time to hand out blue ribbons, it will be such an exciting time for you.
But for the love of God, Newbie, you've gotta try, try, try not to squeeze out a dookie on the Astroturf.
Cos I mean, God forbid you were ever an embarrassment to Master Bob, right? You know, I don't care what you think.
- Yeah, you do.
- I know.
Look, I wanna be like you but a more successful you.
There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while.
Ten years from now when I'm your boss, I'll throw in a good word for you, and you won't even have to ask sir.
I like to think your life comes down to the choices you've made.
Like the choice to stand up to a superior.
Or to focus on what you have in common instead of what you don 't.
Or the choice to let someone help you for once.
In the end, you just have to trust your decisions.
You're the husband? We gotta get you bigger hands.
And hopefully you'll land on solid ground.
- Well, what about your new mop? - I like my old one.
- But you cried.
- No, that was you.
It was a good one.