See Dad Run (2012) s02e03 Episode Script

Wow, honey, these are awesome.
Flowers are so last year.
Oh, that's right.
You have opinions now.
Dad, last chance.
Are you sure you don't wanna buy these for me? They're so cool.
Oh, Joe, I'm so tempted, but they're so expensive.
What do you say we revisit this conversation when your feet stop growing? That's not gonna be for, like, ten years.
By that time, they'll probably have hover shoes.
You already have hover shoes.
- I do? - Yeah, watch.
Go hover by the door and stop bugging me about the shoes.
Do you realize that this is our first public appearance as a couple? I know.
Emily Hobbs and Xander McGinley; The children of feuding fathers.
We're so Romeo and Juliet.
The romantic part, not the dying part.
Not that I'm looking forward to possibly dying, but when are you gonna tell your dad? I don't know.
Down the road, when the moment's right.
Someday, you know.
Never.
Ooh, pretty dress.
I said, "ooh, pretty dress!" I think I found you the perfect pair.
I'll be the judge of that.
Huh? Uh, do you have kids? Nope, but I hear they're a hoot.
Go.
I'm never gonna take these off! Uh, I just a quick question, how long do the batteries last? Oh, they never die.
They're solar.
Oh.
And for you, Mr.
Hobbs.
Oh, yes, I appreciate that, but if I'm gonna buy a, uh, what is this? A $300 pair of sneakers, they better be made of $400, okay? See that, Joe? The rule applies to me too.
For big time celebrities, they're free.
Well then, luckily I'm a big-time celebrity.
Dad, how come you can get 'em, but I can't? Well, because they're free.
Now come on, Joe.
Don't be that guy.
Well, you're all set.
Okay.
Watch out! Hey, you guys okay? - Fine.
Fine.
- Joe, you fine? Yeah, I'm okay.
Oh, thank you.
You're my hero.
Mine too.
My boss told me to bolt down that giant shoe weeks ago.
- I owe you.
- No big deal.
Are you kidding me, Joe? This is a huge deal.
You saved that woman from getting hurt.
Remember those shoes you loved? Take 'em as a thank you.
Really? Can I? Joe, there's an old expression; "Never turn down free stuff.
" Thanks, Phil.
Janie, play us out.
Hey, David.
One large vanilla blended, no sugar added, extra thick.
"The David.
" They call it "the David" now? Not yet, but they will come around.
There he is.
There's my favorite son.
How was school today, Joe? Amazing.
Everyone at school started calling me "hero Hobbs.
" The lunch lady gave me extra Tater Tots and the jock who takes everyone's Tater Tots gave me his Tater Tots.
And the three girls that eat the Tater Tots that the jock takes from me said, "you gonna eat those?" Yeah.
Come on.
I am so lucky I don't like Tater Tots.
Hey, Joe.
One large banana blended, extra sugar, with a chocolate boost.
I call it "the hero.
" Thank you, Fitzy.
Um, did he say Fitzy or suck-up? Uh, dad, Fitzy.
Fitzy, that's my dad.
- Hey, Mr.
Hobbs.
- How you doing? You must be so proud of your Joe.
Well, I'll tell ya, the first nine years were great, Fitzy.
But the, uh the last year was if I'm being honest The episodes were a little weak.
He said Joe, not show.
Yes, Joe God hey, my son, he's the best.
Oh.
Yes, my Hobbs Google alert! Joe's about to be on the news! Channel nine! What? Today's local hero is He thought he was just shopping for sneakers.
But instead, he was at the Mall for a greater purpose: To become a hero.
Here's some cell phone footage at the scene.
Watch out! Sometimes, your average, everyday kid does something extraordinary.
I love the sound of that.
Hero Hobbs.
That is fantastic.
- You da man! - Thanks, Kevin.
Yeah, Joe, you da man.
Okay, I just said that.
Like Princess Bella, Dr.
Monkey Chunks, what are you doing at the Mall together? You know your dads don't like each other.
All right, so, uh, what's it gonna take to keep this our little secret? Uh, glitter? Stickers? What am I, four? I want magic wands and Princess dresses! So let's make that happen.
You're kidding, right? You're my sister.
We're family.
Ticktock, Emily.
Oh, and I need a watch.
So little, yet so scary.
- Hey, hey, people.
- Hey.
Wha Joe! Joe, I just saw the news.
You are like my wife's favorite midnight snack.
A four foot hero.
Woo! Stand up, boy.
Joe, you move me, man.
You move me.
It's gonna be an honor to sit next to you at the Laker game! - Wah.
Yes.
- Oh, uh, about that.
Oh, yeah, tell me you talked to my ticket guy.
I did, I got you three seats in the fourth row, right behind the bench.
The fourth row? What am I, an animal? I can call a guy.
David, I got this.
Step back, Fitzy.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Everyone at work saw my little life-saver on the news.
I am so proud of you.
- Ooh.
- Thanks, mom.
Joe you are an inspiration.
I feel like going out there helping people.
I'm not gonna do it, but it's still a good feeling.
Hello? Uh, yeah, sure.
It's Samantha, Rachel, and Kara.
The Tater Tot girls! They wanna talk to the hero.
Shall I patch you through, Sir? Joe here.
How can I save you? They're laughing.
At you? With me.
This is a first.
Saturday night? Works for me.
Oh, I'm getting another call.
Save ya later.
Hello? You know, I love seeing Joe this confident.
Yeah, he never gets this kind of attention.
- This is he.
- He deserves this.
Really? That would be amazing! Thank you.
I'll be there.
Kickin' Kicks wants to present me with a plaque tomorrow.
They're picking us up in the sneaker mobile.
- The high-top? - No! - Yeah.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! That's so great.
Thank you all for coming to Kicking Kicks to honor Joe Hobbs.
Come on, Joe, wave.
This is your moment.
There you go.
Don't you love the Mall? So much stuff.
What do you want? I want a giant rainbow lollipop, bigger than my head.
Come on, Janie.
Bigger than my head, Emily! You know, this would all come to an end if you just told your father the truth.
I will.
I'm just nervous.
We'll I'd tell him before Janie makes a play for your bedroom.
- Has that been discussed? - Oh, it's been floated.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, foot enthusiasts of all ages Kickin' Kicks would like to present young Mr.
Hobbs with this.
She saved that child's life! So that was it.
Three days of the good life.
Now I'm back to being regular, average Joe.
Well, we love regular, average Joe.
Regular Joe is great.
Guys, let's face it.
Regular Joe is not getting any more bonus Tater Tots, and he's definitely not getting free sneakers.
I mean, I never realized how boring normal life was until I was famous.
Hey, no, there's nothing wrong or or boring about being normal.
It's just, for the first time, I felt what it must feel like to be you, dad.
You know, important.
No, you say good-bye first.
No, you.
You're so cute Telephone survey person.
Who was that? Your friend, "Anita necklace"? Janie, honey, why don't you go up to Emily's room and, uh, get a feel for the space, okay? Joe, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I don't need to have V.
I.
P.
treatment to be happy.
Honey, you whined the whole ride home because we weren't in the sneaker mobile.
The tongue is the sunroof.
How cool is that? Yeah, Joe, I can be normal.
I'm I'm gonna prove it to you.
Shoot and score.
Your ticket guy came through, David.
Lakers, heat.
Floor seats.
Can I get a what, what? Okay, you know, Kevin, thank you, but I don't want them.
- What, what? - Here we go, okay.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take Joe and Marcus to the Laker game like a normal guy would, we're gonna sit in normal seats, and we're gonna have just as much fun.
Dad, how are you gonna get through a public event without being hounded for autographs? We all know that I can't go as David Hobbs.
But you wanna know who I can go as? Schneck, Russell Schneck.
Is this great, Joe? Just a couple of regular guys enjoying some regular seats.
You were right, dad.
No one hounded you.
Well, hold on there, mister.
You mean nobody hounded Russell Schneck, floor covering salesman.
Always and "floorever," Tarzana showroom.
Can I get a what, what? This is great, dad.
We are so high up, I feel like I'm falling, even though I'm sitting down.
I know, right? And we never got to do the wave when we were on the floor.
Yeah, and and only regular guys get to do this.
Hey, heat, put this on the jumbo screen! Woo-hoo! Marcus, where you been, man? You missed the tip-off.
I had to go to base camp to acclimate to the altitude before my final ascent.
Can I get a hit of that, Sir? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
All right, David.
Nobody recognized you.
You made your point.
When can we go back to taking advantage of your celebrity? Oh, no, no, Russell Schneck's gonna be with us all night long, Marcus.
- Yes.
- See? Joe's on board.
No, my ears just popped.
Ah, is that a pigeon? A pigeon? Nature and sports? If I find a rock, my head's gonna explode.
Yes! I can't even see what's going on from up here.
Could be winning, could be losing.
Don't know.
All part of the experience.
Maybe Mr.
Schneck should have stuck one of these in his fanny pack.
Well, in fact, I did.
A Schneck is always prepared.
Oh, this is incredible.
It's like I'm on the court.
I see Nicholson.
I see Shaquille O'Neal.
I see Emily, Xander McGinley.
What? I don't believe this.
What is my daughter doing with a McGinley? Oh, they could be kissing, could be hugging.
We don't know.
That's part of the experience.
That's come on.
You realize the only way you're gonna get to that floor is as David Hobbs.
Well, no, no.
Not tonight, Marcus.
Not tonight I promised Joe that I would spend the rest of the night as a regular guy, okay? So when I wring Xander's neck, it's gonna be as Russell Schneck.
Oof.
Tickets, please.
Uh, yes, Ma'am, I realize that this is not my section, but I need to speak with my daughter.
She's sitting right there.
In that case tickets.
Um, yes, you see, here's the situation.
She's sitting on the floor with a young boy that I highly disapprove of, and she knows that.
Ah, well, in that case Tickets! You wanna try it again? Because I can play this all night long, man.
Uh, just tell her who you are.
Uh, yeah, yes, Ma'am.
I'm I'm I'm I'm Russell Schneck, floor covering salesman.
Yes, Madame, may may I ask you a question? Is that floor a stamped concrete, or is that imported Travertine? Ooh! Ooh Did you just try to handle me? Uh, well, no, Ma'am.
Uh, not on purpose.
No, I didn't - You know what? Come here.
- Oh, oh.
Okay.
This is all just a giant mistake.
If you come down to our showroom in Tarzana I'll give you 40% off any tile that we have in stock.
I'm perfectly happy with my flooring situation, Sir.
And, by the way, thank you for assaulting me because now I can watch the entire game while I fill out my report.
So take a seat because you gonna be here for a while.
Mommy, look.
I'm a cheerleader.
Janie, that's so cute.
Amy, when will this sugar nightmare end? Wait for it.
Two, four, six eight I'm tired.
And that's Jenga.
Uh oh.
Emily and Xander McGinley are together? David would be horrified.
Kevin, let me handle this.
Hi, honey.
Look, I need you to be as calm as possible.
Dad's here? Where? Where? Did he see me? Hey, em, look.
We're on the kiss Cam.
No kissing! You was in that men's room an awfully long time.
It was a $33 bucket of soda.
It had to go somewhere.
Marcus, what are we gonna do? Young Joe, kick back and relax and let your Uncle Marcus sweet talk your dad's way to freedom.
Hey, beautiful.
I just want to let you know that you are owning that uniform, owning it.
Sit down, string bean, before I snap you in half and serve you with some meatloaf.
You know, a lesser man would be intimidated.
The fact that I'm walking away is just a coincidence, though.
What did she say? She marinating on it.
Psst.
Joe, I need you to go up to the men's room and get my eyeglass repair kit.
Why do you have an eyeglass repair kit? I I don't.
Russell Schneck does.
You see, when I get in character, I go all the way.
Okay, listen to me.
Need you to put your hand in the toilet tank, get the eyeglass repair kit, come back here, and jimmy the lock with the small screwdriver, and we'll all escape.
You had me at "reach into the toilet.
" I'm gonna go with him, make sure he washes his hands.
Uh, we gonna go to the bathroom, darling.
We b Emily, this is ridiculous.
This is only happening because you wot tell your dad about us.
I know, I know.
Come on.
We've been seeing each other for a month.
Besides, my dad knows.
You've been over for dinner, like, five times.
I know, and every time, I feel so guilty I go home and spill my guts to my mom.
She's right.
I have to tell him.
At least before Janie tells him.
I can't stand lying to him, Xander.
Then let's tell him the truth.
We can do it together.
As long as you stand a little bit in front of me.
I'm just afraid he'll freak out and say no.
And then what? I don't know.
Do what makes you happy.
You have my blessing.
I'm sorry, you're chiming in on my conversation because Because I'm your father.
You're my father? Xander McGinley! What are you doing here? Dad, I got the tool kit.
- Oh - Joe? Emily? Hello, Sir.
Emily and I have something we'd like to tell you.
I really wanted to tell you, but I was afraid.
Oh, Emily, you don't ever have to be afraid.
You can tell me anything at any time.
I got it.
Except for right now.
All right, now we need a distraction.
Oh, oh.
What's that? I'm trying to call that pigeon.
Maybe he has some friends that'll swoop down to create a diversion.
Is that coming from the men's room? Oh are you serious? This this That's a stroke of luck.
Not really.
Did you break the toilet? I didn't break the toilet.
Russell Schneck Junior did.
Ewe, ewe.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- All right.
This is the most romantic moment of my life.
Don't worry, I got long legs.
Ah! Apparently not long enough.
Hop on my back.
I don't wanna get your hero shoes all dirty.
Hey, sometimes a regular guy has to walk through poop water in his hero shoes.
Okay.
Ooh.
Ooh, yeah.
Thanks again for the game, Mr.
Schneck.
You're welcome, Russell Schneck Junior.
Dad, this was seriously the greatest night of my life.
And you were right.
Average Joes can have fun.
You are anything but average.
In fact, Joe, you're extraordinary.
All right, go upstairs.
Cake.
What?