Shoresy (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
(electronic dance music)
(♪)
- (Shoresy): So dumb!
- I know.
Fuckin' so dumb.
Delaney was at
the Coulson last night?
- (Miig): Mm-hmm.
- What side?
- Which fuckin' side?
- The strip club side.
The strip club side.
The Yanks brought
their team in a day early
for a Sudbury
Saturday night game.
Guess no one told them
our Friday's
have a similar reputation.
How do you know
he was at the rippers?
'Cause I was in there too.
(electronic dance music)
(Ziig): He was in the VIP room
the entire night
and just took his pick
and kept filling their pockets.
(Shoresy): Is that what the kids
are callin' it these days?
(Sanguinet): How do
you know this?
(Ziig): 'Cause I was
in there too.
(electronic dance music resumes)
- Aren't you dating a guy now?
- I wasn't that night.
Out roaming for
a canal, eh Ziig?
- They closed the place down.
- Good.
If he had a late one,
he won't be 100% today.
Turns out the night was young.
He was going to the wee hours,
going hard.
Well, Delaney loves
the snooters.
I don't know how he was
getting any up there
- after a certain point.
- How do you know that?
'Cause I was in there too.
(electronic dance music resumes)
(whistle blows)
Get between his ears early.
If he was up doin' snooters
all night,
he's between his own ears.
You tryin' a new scent, Ziig?
- Still on me from last night.
- Hmm.
You guys know how much
perfume strippers wear.
- No, I don't.
- Kee-he-he-he!
Yo, were the sluts with
their girls again all day?
- Ask them.
- Is Michaels still
- acting weird?
- Goalies are always weird.
- Why are the Jims always late?
- Bangin' yer mom, Ziig!
Even with the new hired guns,
don't lose track of Belson,
Welson, Bilson, and Wilson.
We won't.
(speaking French)
- Remy Nadeau!
- Oui, oui, oui.
Benny et Remy Nadeau!
Ay-yo!
(clears throat)
Bilson à Belson,
Belson retour à Bilson,
Bilson à Wilson.
Wilson à Welson.
Welson de retour à Wilson,
Wilson à Benson.
Oh, no, no!
Et un Remy Nadeau!
So, you don't think if you
put the top three American
players against
the top three Canadians,
- it would be close?
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
- You're serious?
- I get it, bud,
you got your first tuggy
down there playin' NCAA,
but the hockey's better up here
and so are the tuggies.
Okay, Matthews, Gaudreau,
and Tkachuk brothers.
- Either one.
- Pick one.
- No, I can't.
- Give your balls a tug.
It's the same with
the Hughes brothers.
- Tit fucker.
- What uh, okay,
Matthews, Gaudreau, and Eichel.
McDavid, MacKinnon,
and Crosby.
- That'd be close!
- I didn't even say Makar
and the other three might say
he's better than
all three of them.
Let's get goin' here, boys!
Let's go now!
Wilson à Bilson à Belson
à B-Belson à D-Delson
à W-Wilson, à W-B-Delson
- à Ben-selonay.
- Opalye!
So, how's it feel, Delaney?
You did so much blow,
you're in the NOSHO.
Hey, is that coke on your nose?
I'm callin' the cops.
Hey, Delaney, let's get
an eight-ball put some porn on.
Hey, better check your balance.
I heard you left your card
in the ATM, ya fuckin' loser.
- Knock it off, Shoresy.
- Schnurr!
- No one's buggin' ya over here.
- Schnurr!
Don't bug us,
we won't bug you.
Shut the fuck up, Schnurr,
you old fuck.
Hey, ya up late doin'
some of that Chuck Sheen?
A little up town?
A little nose cardio?
Hey, what does that
remind ya of, Delaney?
Hey, what does that
remind ya of?
Oh boy, it's sure great
to be able to breathe
outta my nose right now,
Delaney, I gotta tell ya.
I've played through
worse, Shoresy.
- Shut up.
- And against better.
You feel like shit.
Playing guilty's
a performance enhancer.
- You're still high.
- You watch.
I think you're still high.
Shut the fuck up, Shoresy.
- Fer what?
- Shut your fuckin' mouth.
- Hey, take it easy, big boy.
- You don't go near him.
The cops are comin'.
Let's get outta here.
- Come on, let's go!
- Fuck you!
- Hurry!
- Nah, get the fuck outta here.
Hey, you want this?
(players shouting indistinctly)
Wilson à Phil?
Ooh, oh
Et Remy Nadeau!
Shut up ya fuckin' goon!
- (Palmer): I'll get ya.
- Yeah, let's fuckin' see it.
(overlapping arguments)
I'll spear ya in the teeth
before you get your gloves off.
Oh yeah? Let's fuckin' see it!
- I'll fuckin' get ya!
- Hey, you like your teeth?
(ref): Everyone outta here!
Huh? You wanna look
like that? Hey!
- Let's see it.
- I'll fuckin' get ya, bud.
Yeah, good luck with the Jims,
ya big dumb fuck!
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
Yeah, good luck with
the Jims, ya fuckin' goon.
I'll go through
the whole fuckin' team
- to get to ya, Shoresy.
- Let's see it!
- What're ya gonna do?
- I'll go through 'em
- fuckin' twice to get ya!
- You're not gonna do
fuckin' anything! Oh yeah,
let's fuckin' see it!
I'll go through everybody!
Did ya get that, Cor?
(walkie-talkie beeps)
(Cory): Roger.
Fuckin' eh.
Hey, how'd your date
go last night, Liam?
- It was good.
- Yeah? What'd ya do?
We went to the theatre
at the Rainbow Centre.
No, I mean what'd you do?
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Frenched for a bit,
but nothin' else.
Must've had
your walkie clipped
to your shoulder then, eh?
(walkie-talkie beeps)
- (Shoresy): Woo!
- Hey,
Jims!
Whudda y'at?
- (loud fart)
- You know what's good
in a chicken salad?
I expected ya to be a bit
more involved out there, Jim.
Yeah.
(Shoresy): Jim.
Sorry.
(Shoresy): Jim.
We'll get there, Shoresy.
Don't worry 'bout it, bud.
- Wasabi aioli.
- All right, boys,
if there's one thing
better than winning,
it's beating the Yanks.
And those guys across the rink,
if there's one thing
worse than losing,
- it's losing to Canada.
- B'ys, there's nutting
for them so bad as dat.
We're gettin' pretty close
to something real shiny
at the finish line here, boys.
And the Yanks wanna make sure
we don't get it.
So, when that puck drops,
you'd better be goin',
'cause you bet
the Soo Hunt will be.
Well, might take Delaney
a minute to get goin'.
- We gotta set the tone, boys!
- Unless he's over there
- hittin' rips before the anthem!
- I've got a pretty good idea
on who's settin'
the tone tonight.
Who's gonna set the tone,
Sanger?
- Who's gonna fuckin' set it?
- Jim, you ready?
- Yeah.
- Good, 'cause you're goin'!
- (team): Yaa-hoo!
- Jim, you ready?
- Yes.
- Good, 'cause you're goin'!
- (team): Yaa-hoo!
- Jim, you ready?
Feelin' pretty good, Sanger.
Feelin' ready to go.
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(team): Yaa-hoo!
(Sanguinet): Dolo,
ready to mix it up?
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(team): Yaa-hoo!
(Sanguinet): Hitch,
how ya feelin' about
two points tonight?
(Hitch): Yes, sir!
- (voices fading)
- Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(team): Yaa-hoo!
(tense rap music)
(music stops)
(Shoresy): Who's gonna set
the tone, boys?
Who's gonna fuckin' set it?
Oh, here we go!
(whistle blows)
What the fuck, Jim?
(players shouting indistinctly)
Who's fuckin' going?
Who's goin, boys? Who's goin'?
Fuck's sake!
(crowd jeering)
- Let's go, Jim!
- Set the tone, Jimmy.
Set the tone.
(players cheering)
Go!
Fuck's sake!
(crowd shouting)
(players cheering)
Fuck's sake!
Yeah! Come on!
(ref): 36 is gone, Sanguinet.
Third man in.
Shoresy's line.
Well, boys, better
fuckin' run 'em up.
(player): Hey!
(crowd cheers)
(buzzer blares)
(whistle blows)
(horn blares)
(player): Hey!
(whistle blows)
(buzzer blares)
I'll get that fuckin'
cunt in the second.
That'd be great!
Well, are we just gonna be
down a goal all night, boys?
Let's get ahead! Shoot the puck!
(players cheering)
(horn blares)
(cheering)
Fuck's sake! Wake the fuck up!
(players cheering)
(Delaney): Woo-hoo-hoo!
How do you like it, Shoresy,
huh? How do you like it?
(Shoresy): Shut up
ya fuckin' drunk!
(Delaney): Haha!
Could use a momentum
swing here, Sanger!
(Sanguinet): Jims' line.
Run 'em up
and fill 'em in, boys.
Let's fuckin' go!
Holy fuck, Goody, Dolo,
if I spray the puck
with Melodie's perfume,
you think you'd go
after it a little harder?
Fuck, Fish, are you ever
gonna score again?
I'm startin' to think you'll
never score again, eh? Ever?
Here we go! Here we go.
Come on, Jimmy!
Jim, come on! Come on, Jimmy.
- Come on, baby!
- Come on, Jimmy!
- Get him!
- Here we go!
- Let's go Jim.
- Come on, Jimmy!
(overlapping shouting)
(Shoresy): For fuck's sake.
Fuck's sake.
- There ya go, yeah!
- Let's go!
Yeah! Fuck's sake. Fuck!
(crowd murmuring)
(buzzer blares)
(skates thumping)
Shoresy.
- You okay?
- Yeah, just sometimes
when I get real frustrated,
I cry a little bit.
But I'm fuckin' trying not to.
- Maybe just cry, my guy.
- Oh, no, no,
let's do somethin'
fuckin' productive.
- Behind the eight-ball here.
- Yeah, well,
that's what happens when
you don't set the tone.
- Jims tried to set the tone.
- They never set it.
- Never got set.
- Well, ya gotta set
the fucking tone!
Dolo sucks tonight.
Well, don't let Goody
off the hook.
I don't expect them
to show up in the third either.
Well, they already played
a fuckin' period between
- the sheets.
- They look like shit.
- They stink!
- Frankie's head
- is somewhere else.
- Yeah, probably
in a box of Zebra Cakes.
What do you wanna do?
You tell me.
Let's go through
the supporting cast.
- That's all we can do.
- Fish.
Fish may never score
again, Sanguinet!
Exactly. No use for scorers
who don't score.
(arena organ chimes)
Holy fuck, Jims!
What happened?
I thought I'd take a few
to get inside
and maybe he'd break
his hand on my head.
- (loud fart)
- Lucky you didn't
- get knocked out.
- How many times
- have you been knocked out?
- Four or five.
- That's a lot of concussions.
- Never had a concussion.
Well, Fish,
ya ready to be the hero?
- What?
- Huh?
- You just said--
- I know what I said.
You're gonna score us
a fuckin' goal.
What if I don't?
(Sanguinet): You're cut.
I'm cut?
You used to score us
a goal a game.
- How many did you get last game?
- Zero.
- And the game before that?
- Zero.
- And the game before that?
- Zero!
No use for scorers
who don't score.
(scoffs)
(tense electronic music)
Score us a goal, Fish.
(music intensifies)
(♪)
(whistle blows)
(crowd groans)
(whistle blows)
(crowd cheers)
(horn blares)
(Bulldogs cheer)
(♪)
(horn blares)
(indistinct chatter)
My man.
Well, Fish, you scored
the game-winning goal,
but your mom's real ugly.
How's it feel?
Pretty big smile for
a guy who almost got cut.
- That was fucked up.
- Well, didn't see you
complainin' when your teammates
were mobbin' ya.
- I'm serious.
- Didn't see you complainin'
when the fans
were cheerin' your name.
- That wasn't cool.
- Won't see you complainin'
when you're gettin' your dink
sucked later tonight.
Or maybe I will.
What, you want me
to come watch or?
Don't fuck with me
like that again.
Nice game, coach.
(rap music)
(players cheering)
I think it's pretty
fuckin' obvious.
(clapping)
- Shoresy.
- Call your fuckin' parents.
Cunt hair away from
fucking up that record, slut.
Well, they don't ask how,
they ask how many.
Could do without
the suspense next time.
- Ask and you shall receive.
- Kee-he-he!
- You've got press.
- Yew!
- Not with her.
- I was gonna say,
let me grab a shower first.
Got a fuckin' ecosystem
down here.
- Ew!
- This guy knows
- what I'm talkin' about.
- Oh, fuck you, Shoresy.
It's a different
press opportunity.
Well, is she hot?
(quietly): Is he dying?
- What?
- Is he going to die?
- No.
- What's wrong with you?
Well, usually when
they bring somebody in
for something like this,
like a kid, it's 'cause
- it's like
- What?
- His last wish.
- No!
What do you think,
you're the fuckin' Rock?
So, he's not dying
or anything?
- No!
- You're in the fucking NOSHO,
- you're a nobody.
- Then why do you got me
doing an interview
with a fucking infant?
- 'Cause we--
- Huh?
He's not an infant.
(Nat): 'Cause we are
an organization by the community
for the community
and doing interviews
for his popular YouTube show
will help us reach
more of our community.
So, first you got us
with our dinks out in calendars,
and now you want us
on a kids' show?
It is a bit weird
when he puts it that way.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Fer what?!
We want more kids
out to games.
- Why?
- Because kids in sports
- stay off the streets.
- Drugs kill dreams.
You're an idiot.
(Nat): His name is Jory.
(Shoresy): What?
- Jor-y.
- Jory?
Yeah, like Cory but Jory.
Oh, my God. So dumb.
Ready? Okay.
Welcome to the Sudbury Kids
Sports Report.
I'm your host,
Jory Jordan and I'm here
with the captain of your
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.
- (clicks tongue)
- What's up, buddy?
- What's goin' on?
- Another win for the Bulldogs.
- You bet.
- That's a good lesson
for the kids at home,
you don't have to be pretty.
Let's open it up
to some fan questions.
This one comes from local
realtor Brandon Town.
"Great job on the calendar."
Thanks buddy, appreciate that.
You understand that's
out there forever now?
Think you'll have kids one day?
Maybe you can't.
If a kid came to school
and said,
"Hey, look at this calendar,
it's your dad."
Can't get much worse than that.
Only if you got a name
like Jory Jordan.
Let's go to another
fan question.
There aren't any.
You're not that great
at interviews. Kinda simple?
They weeded out all
the simple kids from gen pop
in grade 3 at my school.
What was it for you?
Just a couple more
questions, Jory.
Would you say getting held
back in grade 2 was worse
than getting held back
in grade 1?
- Alright, last one, Jory.
- Two-part question.
What was it like seeing
all your friends move up a grade
without you, and do you use
that as motivation today?
Thanks, Nat. That was fun.
Looks like that'll be all
for tonight
on the Sudbury Kids
Sports Report.
(Shoresy): Get big and strong, kid.
You're gonna need it
if you wanna act like that.
Don't take it out on me
that you can't have kids.
(Nat): For fuck sakes, Shoresy.
(Shoresy): Fer what?!
- What the hell was that?
- He's not even dying.
I meant the game.
What the one we're
on a 22-game heater after?
- We sucked.
- We stink.
- Frankie was somewhere else.
- He hasn't heard
- from his girlfriends, my guy.
- Girlfriends?
Goody and Dolo have had
their heads in mitt all day.
Michaels is still
acting weird.
(both): Goalies
are always weird.
And what is with the Jims?
Well, they didn't
set the tone.
Have you ever heard
of Reach For The Top?
Sanguinet, did you threaten
to cut Fish if he didn't score?
- Who ratted?
- It wasn't a threat.
Sanguinet
- Is that true?
- You surprised?
Well, didn't see him
complainin'
when his teammates
were mobbin' him.
- That's over the top.
- Didn't see him complainin'
when the fans
were cheerin' his name.
- Don't do that again.
- Won't see him
complainin' when he's gettin'
his dink sucked later tonight.
Or maybe I will. Fuck it,
I'll watch if he wants me to.
You have multiple fires
to put out, Shoresy.
Which one are you gonna
start with first?
- Yeah, so--
- Never mind,
I don't care. But start now.
- Oh, my God!
- Go!
So dumb.
- Sanguinet, eh?
- Man's a killer now.
I used to not like it
when he was like that.
- Like what?
- Shoresy.
You don't want him
anything like Shoresy.
I gotta say,
he's settling into it, though.
- Loves to win.
- Hates to lose.
Bulldog hockey, baby.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- (knocking)
- Hi.
Couldn't find the arena guy.
Do you mind if I step in?
Unfortunately, you got
a problem with all three
shower heads in the visitors'
locker room.
They're almost completely
blocked and they're leakin'
where the heads meet the hose.
What are you,
a fuckin' plumber?
Yeah. Always wanted
to learn a trade.
Better late than never.
I got caught workin' late today.
Ended up takin' my truck
to the game. Luckily,
I had some Teflon tape in there
and I fixed the seals
where the heads meet the hose.
But as for the heads themselves,
do you have any CLR?
'K, great. Have your arena guy
run 'em through that
for a couple minutes.
They'll be as good as new.
And that's not to imply you
couldn't do this all yourself,
I just figured you'd be
pretty busy
running the best team
in the league and all.
Soon to be the best team ever.
Right. Goodnight.
What a fuckin' nerd.
That guy played
a thousand games in the show.
Now he's in the NOSHO.
That guy played with
first-ballot Hall of Famers.
- Now he's a plumber.
- Everybody needs a plumber.
What a fuckin' nerd.
Nat.
Dude, your knees are shaking.
Holy shit woman,
you're fired up.
I don't think
I've ever seen this.
Uh-uh.
(Miig): You don't date
sluts, remember?
(Ziig): Yeah, you just
take them down.
Uh-huh.
(Miig): So
I'm gonna fuck that slut.
(electronic music)