SMILF (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

1 [LANGUID MUSIC.]
[BRIDGE.]
You're not stealing my Mary.
[RAFI.]
Your Mary? Yeah, but you gotta carry her in, okay? Seriously? What are you gonna do with her? Don't you try to steal her.
Holy shit.
I'm okay.
No, I'm fine.
- Bridgette.
- I'm fine.
Hi, I'm back.
- Slow down.
Slow down.
- Sorry.
Hi, guys, sorry we're late.
That was a long date.
Daydreaming And night stealing Let my mind Wander where it may [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[ELSIE MOANING.]
[BOTH.]
[SPEAKING CREOLE.]
[ELSIE.]
Wi, wi! [BOTH MOANING.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- [SLAP.]
- [HENRI LAUGHS.]
Ahh.
[HENRI LAUGHS.]
["E LE ALOFA E" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, wake up.
You promised me you're gonna wake up early and do your homework.
Okay, wake up.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
[GROANS.]
"Took 25 from your purse.
" [HUMMING.]
[MAN OVER SPEAKERS.]
Chrissy, what's a country you wish to visit? - [CHRISSY OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hmm, Fiji.
- [MOCKINGLY.]
Hmm, Fiji.
[MAN.]
Besides your passport, what two things do you always have in your carry-on? [CHRISSY.]
Oh, sunglasses and La Mer.
- Mm, sunglasses and La Mer.
- [MAN.]
Okay, uh, what's the most overrated food of all time? [CHRISSY.]
Hmm, froyo.
You know I can hear you two in there, right? [MOCKINGLY.]
"You know I can hear you two in there, right?" Elsie.
[LAUGHS.]
Merci.
Tonight? You said it was sold out.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Hey, your mom said it's time for breakfast.
Happy birthday, Auntie.
- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.
Thank you.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Excuse me, your bag.
Excuse me, could you move your bag? Jo-Jo, Sie-Sie, I want to come in today.
My hair lookin' crazy.
Please call me back.
Nice sunglasses.
Oh, thanks.
I can't leave my house without my sunglasses.
And La Mer.
What? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[MAN.]
Have a nice day.
[VOCALIST SINGING UPBEAT CREOLE SONG.]
Hey, Ida, do you want to get me some more Cheerios? [RIVERS.]
Ida.
My arm slipped.
[SIGHS.]
[RIVERS.]
Got it, 111,625.
- [IDA GROANS.]
- [CHLOE.]
That's right.
[ALLY.]
Good morning.
Elsie, do you know where my riding boots are? I can't find them anywhere.
[ELSIE.]
Did you check the closet where your shoes are? Yes, I did, and they are not there.
I really hope nobody stole them.
Who'd steal your dumb riding boots? [ALLY.]
Well, I don't know, Rivers.
There are a lot of people in and out of this house.
Elsie, would you go look for them, please? - [ELSIE.]
Okay.
- I have so many things I have to keep track of, like events, birthdays.
Happy birthday, Miss Ally.
Oh, you're sweet, thank you.
I'm gonna make your favorite chicken dinner.
Oh, come on.
And you know what, Chloe? I'm not gonna have any sweets today, even though it's my birthday, in solidarity with you.
Thanks, Mom.
Mm, did somebody forget to wake up baby Scott? He's still in D.
C.
with his class, Miss Ally.
Oh, right.
Everybody always misses my birthday.
Oh, motherfucker.
- The fridge.
- What? The new fridge is being delivered today.
You didn't tell me.
I most certainly did.
- I definitely did.
- You didn't tell me.
And now I'm 15 minutes late for my riding lesson.
It's fine.
I'll deal with it.
I wanted to do one thing today, but it's okay.
- Elsie, empty the fridge! - [ELSIE.]
Okay.
Chloe, Rivers, let's go! [HORN HONKING.]
[RIVERS.]
Shotgun.
[UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC.]
Seat belts.
[MEN SINGING IN SAMOAN.]
[IDA.]
Have a nice day.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Thank you so much.
[MEN SINGING IN SAMOAN.]
[BRIDGE.]
Hey, Chloe, are you old enough to babysit? [CHLOE.]
Hi, Larry.
I can't.
- I have a date tonight.
- This'll help with your throat.
[BRIDGE.]
I do too.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe I don't.
Can't find a babysitter.
Want to see a picture? [CHLOE.]
Hmm, he's cute.
[BRIDGE.]
Cuter than I normally like them.
[CHLOE.]
Rafi's pretty attractive.
What is this date? Karl, he asked me to go to the movies tonight with him and his friends.
Karl, from French class? I know.
It's my first date.
Can you roll me before your call? I'll grab the pin.
Do you think this'll work by tonight? Yes, my Tina would roll me all the time back in Samoa, just roll the fat away.
Breathe, girl.
I gotta go hard if you want me to roll it all out.
I know.
There.
[SIGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I think it helped.
For real, I see a difference.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
[SPEAKING SAMOAN.]
[SIGHS.]
Mom.
[SPEAKING SAMOAN.]
I know, I know.
What's on your face? I went paintballing.
With who? Joseph.
Who's Joseph? Come on.
No one.
Are you humping him? Ida, stop.
Talia, I told you many times.
[SPEAKING SAMOAN.]
Okay, I'm your mother.
[SPEAKING SAMOAN.]
[SIGHS.]
Mom, I gotta go.
Love you.
[SIGHS.]
[IDA OVER SPEAKERS.]
What did we get at the drive-up window? No, Cooper, let Daisy have some.
Daisy, where'd we go? [GASPS.]
Did we go to McDonald's? Why does Daisy get hers first? 'Cause Cooper eats his too fast.
And? I tried to touch his hand in the movie and he just pulled away.
That doesn't mean anything.
Boys are immature at this age.
He didn't even try to kiss me.
- He thinks I'm disgusting.
- Why would you say that? Because I'm fat and wearing Ann Taylor - like a fucking idiot.
- Chloe.
Good night, guys.
I wish I was Samoan.
You want to learn a Samoan siva, a Samoan dance? No, I-I-I can't.
Come on.
Come dance with me.
Come on.
Come on.
But softly so my mom doesn't hear.
["E LE ALOFA E" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Go low and reach out with your hands.
Up here.
Up and down.
- Oh, my God, Mindy.
- [MINDY.]
Huh? I just got off the phone with the dog walker.
Cinnamon got bit by a fucking Jack Russell terrorist.
Oh, my God, babe, is she okay? No, she is in the emergency room.
- I need you to cover for me.
- Oh, but I Mrs.
Waterstein is coming in at noon to buy that Birkin.
But I've never worked the front before.
Mindy, I tried Jess.
She's getting an MRI.
And Danielle's not picking up 'cause she's a psycho alcoholic.
It's, like, I mean, come on, we love her, - but, like, get it together.
- Yeah.
The Birkin, I will be back by then, but if I'm not, just run her card.
I already tagged it.
Sure, I mean, if Danielle can do it.
- Here, you can rock it.
- Yeah? Just smile.
You'll be fine.
Okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Kate, hi! Hi.
I wish I knew you were gonna be here.
Oh, why? Just because it'd be fun to ride together.
You gotta text me sometime.
I should.
You know, I would love to.
I'm gonna take Drea shopping.
She's home from college.
Oh, my gosh, look at her.
She looks so beautiful.
Gorgeous.
Well, yeah, so, um, you know, if-if not today, maybe we could we could ride tomorrow? Yeah, sure, sure.
Yeah, like, ten o'clock? I could do ten.
Ooh, ten, let me check.
Is that I'm sorry, is that what I think it is? What? - Oh, it is.
- Wow.
It is, I know.
I'm having problems processing it myself.
I can't believe you brought it in here.
I mean, do they have security outside? - Oh, stop.
- Can I feel it? Uh, sure.
- Look at that stitching.
- I know.
I mean, how did you even I've been on a waiting list for, like, three years.
Oh, I know, not me, Roger.
Well, Mr.
Daddy's boss just got one.
- Mm.
- Um, I saw it in a picture.
But, uh, yeah, hers is alligator.
Oh, alligator's my favorite, but it's so expensive.
Oh, it's gross.
It's so gross.
- It's really gross.
- Yeah, it's-it's obscene.
She's obscene.
Sounds like it.
Yeah, she should die.
You know, you're gonna get yours soon.
I can feel it.
I am gonna get mine.
Mm.
- Mm.
- Good to see you.
- Yeah, take care.
- We'll go riding.
Shit.
I love your boots.
Oh, thank you.
- Gucci, right? - Yes, obviously.
I've had my eye on them for a while.
[SOFTLY.]
I much prefer them to ours.
Less obvious, you know.
- [WHISPERING.]
I think so too.
- Mm-hmm.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
It's my birthday today.
Today is my birthday too.
- No.
- Yes.
- Birthday twins.
- Twinsies.
- Ah! - [LAUGHS.]
- Well, we have to get you a gift.
- Yes.
Yes.
We have this perfect suede cardigan that'll go with your hair, I know it.
It's killer.
- That is so killer.
- It's to die.
I-I'm dying.
I'm dead.
Mm.
Should I start you a room? Um, actually, I wanted to ask you if you might be able to check the Birkin waiting list because I've been on it for a while and I have a couple of friends who have recently gotten Birkins, so I thought maybe I'm next - Oh.
- on my birthday.
Oh, so sad.
The one we just got in has already been claimed.
I'm sorry, when did you get it? - Today.
- You got one today and you didn't fucking call me? I was literally in here last week.
- Oh.
- After all the shit that I buy at this store, what the fuck? - Um - What the actual fuck? Well, if it was up to me, I would get you one.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
Good God.
[LAUGHS.]
Who am I right now? [LAUGHS.]
My husband is cheating on me Oh.
with his boss.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, he's fucking his boss.
She's a lawyer.
She's not a stay-at-home mom.
And he's never home, so I'm like a single mom, which is not what I signed up for.
Oh.
She just got the alligator Birkin.
And my friend Kate has the little cute little pink one.
And it just seems like everyone has a fucking Birkin, and I can't even get my hands on a small shitty one.
I'm so sorry things are so shitty right now.
Do you have any small shitty ones? No.
[CELL PHONE PLAYING HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY.]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Wagner.
Like what? Like lice? [MOUTHING WORDS.]
Okay, well, of course, I'll come pick him right up.
And now I have to go pick up my son at school because that's my life.
Oh, well, next time.
Next time.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, happy birthday.
You know, you are the sweetest salesgirl I have ever met.
- I want your number.
- Okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Thanks, Mrs.
Wagner.
- What's the matter? - My throat hurts.
Okay, all right, well, I'll cancel Bridgette this afternoon.
We'll go home.
No, no, you don't have to do that.
I'm fine.
It's okay, we'll cuddle up and watch Judge Judy.
What? No.
I hate Judge Judy.
She's always right, and it's so predictable.
Well, it's my birthday, so that's what we're freakin' gonna watch.
[LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
I am here for my Birkin.
Mrs.
Waterstein, yes.
So Leslie had this personal thing, so I'll be handling your Birkin sale.
Yes, I'm Mindy.
- Oh, okay.
- Yes.
Can I take your card? - Can I see the bag first? - Yes, of course.
The bag is in the safe, so let me just grab the keys.
Did you just start? I come in all the time.
I've never seen you before.
I'm usually in the back, mm-hmm.
I can't believe they left you here by yourself.
It's gotta be very confusing.
Um, you know what? Let me just text my coworker very quickly because I don't You know, actually, I think I probably better come back when Leslie's here - so it's a little smoother.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- It'll be, like, 30 seconds.
- I don't really want to put you through this.
- She'll text me back.
- Thank you, Mindy.
That's a cute bracelet, by the way.
[LIGHT POP MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE PLAYING HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Ugh, Rivers, I hate that you made that my ringtone.
Well, guess what.
I hate your dumb music, so we're even.
Find my phone for me, please.
It's clearly you've done something to the Bluetooth again.
- No, I didn't.
- Please hurry up.
Is it Mr.
Daddy? No, it's Mindy "Herms.
" [QUIETLY.]
Who's Mindy Herms? [GASPS.]
Put it on speaker.
Okay, okay.
- Mindy? - Yes, Ally, I have good news.
I have a Birkin for you.
No, you are not serious.
Yes, I'm looking at it right now.
Oh, my God! Mindy, this is the best news I've ever had.
Okay, come on over as soon as you can.
I'll be there very soon.
I should be 20 minutes.
Bye.
Honey, we're just gonna have to make a very quick stop.
What are you wearing? What the fuck are you wearing? Mom, you're so boring with this fancy bullshit.
We are doing this whether you want to or not.
I feel sick.
Look at me.
Look at me.
[SIGHS.]
If you can look and act like a respectable child, I will take you to Target after this and get you whatever you want.
Even guns? Even guns.
You can shoot shit all night.
Just shut the fuck up.
- Ally.
- [GASPS.]
Mindy.
- Thank you.
- I know.
I'm so happy I could do this for you.
Oh, I am too.
I can't believe it.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.
You are my literal savior.
Oh, well, I had to work my magic for my birthday twin.
My birthday twin, yes, indeed.
Here it is.
- Crazy.
- Ahh! It's like Christmas or my birthday.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
It's so good.
- It's so good.
- It's so good.
It's so good.
- You're gonna rock it.
- I'm gonna rock the shit out of it.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
That'll be $23,000.
Yes.
I just want you to do your homework first, okay? That's all there is to it.
Just go in the kitchen.
Get your homework out.
I'll be right there.
[GASPS.]
Mm.
Goodness.
[STOMPING LOUDLY.]
[UPBEAT CHA-CHA MUSIC.]
[ALLY.]
And-and just oh, the floors.
[LAUGHS.]
It's gonna be fine.
If you'll just try to be careful with the paint, I would be so appreciative.
Here are your boots.
Oh, where did you find them? With the rest of your shoes.
Oh.
Did you buy a new fridge? Yes, I told you that.
I told everybody that.
Why doesn't anybody remember anything? I just don't understand it.
It's not that I'm mad at you.
I'm just mad at the situation.
But I appreciate all your help today, and I appreciate you finding me my boots.
Was something wrong? Is the old fridge broken? No, it just clashed with the new kitchen.
I-it made the whole room feel insane.
- Miss Ally? - What is it, angel? I'm an hour late for my riding lesson.
Do you think I could have your old fridge? Oh, my God, yes! Of course you need a fridge.
Take it.
Okay, thank you, I appreciate it.
My family really needs one.
Oh, your family.
I love giving gifts on my birthday.
A tard plus, Elsie.
Je suis un riding lesson.
Oh, mais oui.
Bon anniversaire.
Oh, I love you too.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
Oh, and, um, remember to get all the food out of the fridge and just don't let them hit anything.
Okay.
[VOCALISTS SINGING UPBEAT CREOLE SONG.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Johanny, finally.
I need to come in.
I got some money.
- I need good hair.
- [JOHANNY.]
I can't.
Jo, I need you.
I'm seeing Lakou Mizik tonight.
- Fine, come by at five.
- Okay, thank you.
I'll see you at five.
[UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC.]
[VOCALIST SINGING IN SPANISH.]
[WOMAN.]
Would you like a jeans or DVD? Not for you? Okay.
Hey.
Jeans for sale.
I'll take the jeans.
You have rhinestone? Oh, yeah, got the rhinestone right here.
Yeah.
[JOHANNY.]
I don't understand how you messed it up so bad, Sie-Sie.
Oh, these curls only lasting one week now.
- One week? - Yeah.
- Nah.
- One week, yeah.
You let Henri pull on it all night long and you sweat out your edges, eh? Yes, I did, this morning.
[LAUGHS.]
So with this new fridge money, I'm thinking four tracks? Let me see.
Is this a good one? Bitch, yes, it's Hairmès.
- It's the best shit we have.
- Let me see the package.
- You don't trust me? - Let me see it.
Oh, okay, all right.
Oh, look at that.
- [ELSIE.]
Hmm, hmm.
- [JOHANNY.]
Good, right? This hair come from this package? [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
'Cause I spending a lot of money on it today.
- Fuckin' told you yes.
- Mm-hmm.
It's the good shit.
Okay.
Thank you, Miss Ally, and your cheating-ass husband.
Fuck, he's still doing that? Shit.
- Eh! - Eh! - Eh! - Eh! [LAUGHS.]
[CREOLE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Take an Advil.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
It's Ally.
[SIGHS.]
Hello, Ally? [ALLY.]
Elsie, thank God.
I need you to watch Larry.
- Larry? - Bridgette's son.
- Bridgette? - Our tutor, Elsie, Bridgette.
She's taking me to dinner.
She needs a sitter.
Ally, I have plans tonight.
I need this.
It'll be an hour.
I'll give you $400.
Okay, I'll be there soon.
Okay.
Mwen soti lavil Jacmel Lavale mwen prale An arivan kafou Bainet Panama mwen tonbe [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Mm.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Mm.
Ah.
No.
Mm.
[UPBEAT CREOLE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Panama mwen tonbe Panama mwen tonbe Shh, hey.
Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè Panama mwen tonbe Okay, okay, okay, okay.
No.
Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè Ranmasé li pou mwen Mwen soti lavil Jacmel Lavale mwen prale An arivan kafou Bainet Panama mwen tonbe Chante Panama mwen tonbe Panama mwen tonbe Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè Ranmasé li pou mwen Panama mwen tonbe Panama mwen tonbe Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè [WOMAN.]
Supahsmaht.